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P.P.S. Do you really have a belly like a bowl full of jelly? If so, you might want to lay off the cookies.

December 24th, 2008 · 42 comments

“My 8-year-old daughter was concerned about all the pictures of Santa portraying him with a whip,” says Lisa in Orlando, “so she wrote him this letter, thinking he might appreciate her helpful advice on taking care of his animals.”

Dear Santa, I was wondering if you whipped your reindeer. You should stop because if you do your deer might try to run away. You shouldn't them too many cookies either because your reindeer might get sick. P.S. Have a holly jolly Christmas! Love, Ariel

related: no girls allowed

FILED UNDER: "helpful" advice · Christmas · Florida · holiday spirit · kids · Orlando · p.s. · signed with love

42 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Resident Grammarian esq bang

    And btw, are those real leather boots? I have a fresh jar of paint with your name on it… fascist.
    And don’t forget my Barbie!

    Dec 24, 2008 at 9:48 pm   rating: 59  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   Mono

      Dear Ariel,
      I don’t come to YOUR job and smack the oranges outta your hand! If you want anything for Christmas other than a Polaroid of a sweaty Santa tea-bag on your forehead I would just go ahead and mind your own damn business. And if your really worried about the reindeer getting sick you should stop by the north pole for our after xmas party and see what the ELVES make them eat… 4 words, “itty-bitty gang-bang”. Happy Holidays sweetheart!

      Your imagination

      p.s. Your parents are lying to you.

      Dec 25, 2008 at 8:13 am   rating: 33  small thumbs up

  • #2   aaa

    Damn, PETA gets them young now, don’t they?

    Dec 24, 2008 at 9:55 pm   rating: 19  small thumbs up

  • #3   Canthz_B bang


    And have your blood sugar checked you grotesquely obese gnome. If you go blind because of diabetes, who will bring me toys? Not my cheap-ass parents, that’s for damned sure!

    Dec 24, 2008 at 9:57 pm   rating: 42  small thumbs up

  • #4   aaa

    Dear Ariel,

    You’re supposed to scare the crap out of the animals with the whip crack, not hit them. You should watch more History Channel.


    Dec 24, 2008 at 9:59 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

  • #5   secondsout bang

    I whip the reindeer because they like it. They’re dirty bitches. The safe word is nativity.

    Love, Santa

    Dec 24, 2008 at 11:20 pm   rating: 162  small thumbs up

  • #6   secondsout bang

    Ariel, the Santa suit is made out of real fur, too. Made out of the reindeer who gave me too much lip.

    Dec 24, 2008 at 11:22 pm   rating: 44  small thumbs up

  • #7   secondsout bang

    The nose that’s red like a cherry, that means you’re an alcoholic. How about you lay off the sauce, you fucking lush? You’re going to kill someone when you careen your sleigh into the side of a house. Bastard.

    Dec 24, 2008 at 11:35 pm   rating: 29  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   Lovey

      Maybe Santa should lay off the eggnog. Or maybe its spiked hot chocolate…Oh, the alcoholic possibilities are endless. But it explains why I got video games in my stocking, and my husband got lingerie in his…or does it?

      Dec 25, 2008 at 2:05 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

  • #8   summer

    whoa, those cookies were fucking delicious!

    Dec 24, 2008 at 11:41 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   aaa

      Maybe you should pull the sleigh so that diabetic fatty in the red fur suit can use the whip on you?

      Uh, huh. Didn’t mean for that to sound like a weird porno, there…

      Dec 25, 2008 at 12:38 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #8.2   snee bang

      <ibad santa 2: candy cane me!

      Dec 25, 2008 at 3:17 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #8.3   snee bang

      bad santa 2: candy cane me!

      Dec 25, 2008 at 3:17 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #8.4   park rose bang

      I thought it was just a misspelt Latin footnoting system you had going there, snee :lol:

      Dec 25, 2008 at 4:27 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #9   Serena

    Wow, guys. I thought the note was really cute; can’t we just appreciate its cuteness (her care for the reindeer and use of “holly jolly”)?

    Dec 25, 2008 at 2:53 am   rating: 27  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   Geek Goddesss

      Um, no. We have to use it as a springboard for cheap jokes and wisecracks.

      Dec 25, 2008 at 3:47 am   rating: 66  small thumbs up

    • #9.2   Woman on the Verge bang

      If we just appreciated it and went, “aww, shucks, how cute” we wouldn’t be PAN fans.

      Dec 25, 2008 at 11:12 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

    • #9.3   Canthz_B bang

      PAN…not to be confused with ;-)

      Dec 25, 2008 at 11:15 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

  • #10   amazon

    And yet, this note has better grammar and penmanship than most notes we see written by adults.

    Dec 25, 2008 at 2:54 am   rating: 70  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   vivitop

      And no clip-art

      Dec 26, 2008 at 12:34 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #10.2   Whut?

      and no “excessive” apostrophe. That’s what ‘I’ call “efficient”!!!!!!

      Dec 27, 2008 at 4:25 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #11   snee bang

    and fewer pink penises.

    Dec 25, 2008 at 3:07 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

  • #12   snee bang

    santa gets the cookies. the reindeer get the carrots. (but no broccoli because that makes them gassy.)

    Dec 25, 2008 at 3:22 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #13   Canthz_B bang

    Santa would never whip his reindeer.
    Those lazy little elves on the other hand…

    Dec 25, 2008 at 3:27 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   Ti O bang

      Shiftless elves need the snap of a whip or the crush of a truncheon to keep them in line.

      Dec 26, 2008 at 11:33 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #14   Canthz_B bang

    Silly Ariel,

    If the reindeer didn’t have Santa’s cookies, it would take longer to load his sleigh. ;-)

    Dec 25, 2008 at 4:26 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #15   souldesqueeze

    Dear Santa,
    Why are you always dressed in red? Did the North Pole go for McCain?

    Dec 25, 2008 at 7:27 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

  • #16   Hod

    Do we really have nothing better to do on Christmas Day than complain…or are we just Jewish?

    Dec 25, 2008 at 10:57 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #17   Woman on the Verge bang

    Little Ariel is a bossy little bitch, isn’t she? Do this, don’t do that… She’s definitely on the naughty list.

    She’s in good company there, though. I have it on good authority that CB, RB, claw, mishee, wade, and many other PANites are there. I am personally at the top of the list.

    Dec 25, 2008 at 11:16 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #18   Quite Contrary bang

    Orlando? Really? I think Lisa and Ariel are from Marin County.

    Dec 25, 2008 at 11:28 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #19   se

    It’s odd that Lisa would submit her 8 y/o daughter’s note to this site.
    Maybe next year there will be a new Christmas song…
    “I saw mommy kissing Santa’s balls
    underneath the mistletoe tattoo..
    If only daddy could see
    what Santa’s doing to me..”

    Dec 25, 2008 at 5:09 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #19.1   Canthz_B bang

      Thanks for the earworm, se!

      Feliz Navidad :-D

      Dec 25, 2008 at 6:53 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #19.2   Ti O bang

      What a beautiful christmas carol…

      Dec 26, 2008 at 11:34 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #20   Bridge

    This reminds me of the best christmas song ever:

    Why do you sit there so strange?
    Is it because you are beautiful?
    You must think you are deranged
    Why do police guys beat on peace guys?
    You must think Santa Clause weird
    He has long hair and a beard
    Giving his presents for free
    Why do police guys mess with peace guys?
    Let’s get Santa Clause ’cause;
    Santa Clause has a red suit
    He’s a communist
    And a beard, and long hair
    Must be a pacifist
    What’s in the pipe that he’s smoking?
    Mister Clause sneaks in your home at night.
    He must be a dope fiend, to put you up tight
    Why do police guys beat on peace guys?

    Arlo Guthrie The Pause Of Mr Claus lyrics

    Hear it here:

    Dec 27, 2008 at 1:06 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #21   johnny

    SREhLR Thanks for good post

    Dec 29, 2008 at 6:20 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #22   RunsWithSoda

    Team Ariel! Love the PA part at the end.

    Jan 3, 2009 at 12:01 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #23   allanacranston0184

    Nice post.

    Jan 3, 2009 at 7:48 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #24   Andy

    What kind of hippies are running these schools anyways? Of COURSE Santa whips his deer. And he feeds them the bodies of questioning little sh-ts.

    Jan 6, 2009 at 11:59 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #25   startin’ young

    [...] related: p.p.s. do you really have a belly like a bowl full of jelly? [...]

    Aug 3, 2009 at 8:39 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #26   A Thanksgiving Poultry Slam |

    [...] Dear Santa, do you abuse your animals? TweetShare0mail [...]

    Nov 24, 2010 at 4:01 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up


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