with a chainsaw?

#1 Canthz_B bang

Flush gently, crap hard!

Dec 30, 2008 at 12:42 pm rating: +24 small thumbs up

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#1.1 unfortunate names blog

That sounds like a really good life affirmation. Maybe somebody will make a shirt with that on it. I’d [make someone] buy it.

Dec 30, 2008 at 6:12 pm rating: +2
#1.2 mamason

I would only add, wash thoroughly.

Dec 30, 2008 at 6:39 pm rating: +3

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#2 Canthz_B bang

♫ Flush me gently,
Flush me slowly,
Flush me easy,
Or I won’t flow. ♫

Dec 30, 2008 at 12:45 pm rating: +22 small thumbs up

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#2.1 Woman on the Verge

Oh, CB, that was my first thought! Flashback….

Dec 30, 2008 at 2:12 pm rating: 0
#2.2 Geek Goddess

I never thought that I would have exactly the same thought as CB.
(No, I am not that old, I, uh, … heard it on youtube. Yes, that’s it, I heard it on youtube!)

Dec 30, 2008 at 8:54 pm rating: +1
#2.3 Canthz_B

They have YouTube in my dentist’s office too!

Dec 30, 2008 at 9:56 pm rating: +1

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#3 Canthz_B bang

Roberta Flack was going to record “Flushing Me Gently”, but the record company made her change it to “Killing Me Softly”.

Dec 30, 2008 at 12:51 pm rating: +9 small thumbs up

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#3.1 Canthz_B

They said she ran the Men’s room,
She did it with elan.
And when I dropped a load there,
She quickly came along.

And there she was this young girl,
And oh, to my surprise,
Wiping my ass,
With her Charmin,
Doing a job on my hole.
Wiping my asshole,
With her Charmin.
Wiping my asshole,
With Charmin.
Flushing all gently,
Down the bowl.

I felt her touch my bottom,
I felt her reach around,
I felt she’d found my secret,
My hole now was unbound.
I prayed that she would finish,
But she just kept right on,
Wiping my ass with her Charmin,
Doing her job on my hole,
Wiping my ass with her Charmin,
Touching my bottom,
With tissue,
Cleaning my anus,
With Charmin,
Cleaning my anus,
With Charmin.

She wiped the doo doo from me,
She even cleaned the hairs,
And then she knelt and blew me,
And I sure didn’t care!
Her Charmin she kept slinging,
Slinging like there was no wrong,
Wiping my ass with her Charmin,
Doing her job on my hole,
Wiping my ass with her Charmin,
Touching my bottom,
With tissue,
Cleaning my anus,
With Charmin,
Cleaning my anus,
with Charmin.

Oh-Oh, o-oh o-oh o-oh,
Lala La La lalala,
Oh o-oh, ah-ah-a,
Oh-oh, ahh, la, lala, lalalala
She was wiping my poo…
Yeah, she was flushing it down.
The toilet…
Flushing my poo down,
The toilet…
Flushing it gently…
With her palm.

Dec 30, 2008 at 2:36 pm rating: +28
#3.2 BAM

Good work.

I appreciate that your TP of choice here is Charmin. Only way to go.

Dec 30, 2008 at 11:29 pm rating: 0
#3.3 MAMARILLA2

I’m going to guess that this version of this tune was sung by the fuchi s (spanish)

Jan 1, 2009 at 3:55 pm rating: 0

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#4 Bunnee

How, exactly, does one flush “gently”? You push the handle down and then let go– that’s about it….Is someone in there really flushing “forcefully”? How do you DO that? With a jackhammer?

Dec 30, 2008 at 1:04 pm rating: +12 small thumbs up

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#4.1 unholyghost2003

exactly what I was thinking bunnee … this note reminds me of reading the books on strange laws … i.e. it is illegal in Florida to have sex with a porcupine …. was this really such a rampant issue that a specific law was needed? What on earth were people doing to that poor toilet that a ‘gentle flushing’ sign was needed? inquiring minds want to know … the same inquiring minds reserve the right to say “oh GOD! that is sick! why did you tell me?!?”

Dec 30, 2008 at 1:23 pm rating: +7
#4.2 claw71

Do you have kids?

Trust me, I’ve had to perform a number of toilet repair procedures that could have been avoided if not for the fact that kids find new and exciting ways to actuate the lever and being a guy I have to admit that there was a time I, too, abused the toilet lever.

My favorite move from ages 6 to 11 was the judo chop. When I was 14 I tried to use the roundhouse kick but I ended up knocking the entire toilet over. That was the end of my creative flushing frenzy, but I know that there are kids who live the dream to this very day.

Dec 30, 2008 at 1:24 pm rating: +31
#4.3 Bunnee

You knocked an entire toilet over? Wow! That must be one helluva roundhouse! (and fecal mist must have sprayed EVERYWHERE.)

Dec 30, 2008 at 1:31 pm rating: +11
#4.4 unholyghost2003

I am delighted to say (and I grow more delighted every time I hear a new story of child behavior) I am a child free zone. at no point has anyone under the age of 14 entered my home and my min. age of allowed house guest rises as my baby b-i-l grows older.

Dec 30, 2008 at 1:38 pm rating: +5
#4.5 Natalie

I’ve met many a germophope who absolutely will not touch the handle with their hands; rather, they choose to employ the aforementioned ’roundhouse kick’. These are the same people who use a paper towel to shut off the faucet and who use their elbows to turn on the hand dryers, open doors, etc. Yikes. I take great delight in telling them all sorts of germy trivia. (Insert evil laughter here.)

Dec 30, 2008 at 7:55 pm rating: +5

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#5 Canthz_B bang

Queen Elizabeth II flushes gently out of devotion to her subjects.
It’s known as a Royal Flush!

Dec 30, 2008 at 1:16 pm rating: +2 small thumbs up

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#6 claw71 bang

Lita Ford might have something to say about this:

I ate a bean burrito last Saturday night
the toilet got sprayed, it didn’t smell right
Uh, Huh
It was a big stink
The turd was floating and the stench was bad
So I cranked on the lever and it came off in my hand
Oh no, I’m stuck with this stink
I opened up the tank and grabbed hold of the line
pulled up the flapper, I thought it was fine
but no, I broke that hook thing

So the toilet backed up
and now we’re all walking in poo
and the house is jacked up
and you’re all blaming it on me
Yeah, yeah

Flush it once
Flush it Twice
Just be sure you try to flush it gently

Dec 30, 2008 at 1:17 pm rating: +15 small thumbs up

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#7 Goldie

I wonder what CB has to say about this one…

Dec 30, 2008 at 1:20 pm rating: +1 small thumbs up

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#7.1 Canthz_B

Because you post so infrequently?

You know I love you Goldie!

Dec 30, 2008 at 1:25 pm rating: 0

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#8 Mishee bang

The water comes out more gently when you flush gently and *poof* that’s how you fix the fecal mist on your toothbrush problem!!

Then the lid doesn’t need to be down!

Dec 30, 2008 at 1:34 pm rating: +1 small thumbs up

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#9 unfortunate names blog

The toilet was obviously asking for it.

Dec 30, 2008 at 1:49 pm rating: +9 small thumbs up

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#10 San Antonio Sue

I must say, I am evermore apalled at the state of plumbing, cleanliness, and general upkeep (or lack thereof) of restrooms in restaurants. When I owned a book shop I kept the rr stocked with papertowels, tp, and soap. We cleaned the premises regularly. Leaks and drips were tended to. Judge a facility by its restroom and be afraid, be very afraid!

Dec 30, 2008 at 1:52 pm rating: +2 small thumbs up

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#10.1 dee

Huh, when I worked in a bookstore we kept the bathroom door closed and the light off, and slumped a mannequin on the bowl with his pants around his ankles. That’s not customary?

Dec 30, 2008 at 11:49 pm rating: +15
#10.2 park rose

Was his head removable? If so, we know that that was no mannequin, but a junkie scumbag lowlife c*** on the nod, who got his, with a chainsaw.

Dec 31, 2008 at 7:56 am rating: +3

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#11 Shawn

Is this the toilet’s first time?

Dec 30, 2008 at 2:14 pm rating: +33 small thumbs up

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#11.1 Canthz_B

That explains the blood! Whew, I thought it was colon cancer!

Dec 30, 2008 at 2:42 pm rating: +10
#11.2 mamason

Of course we all wanted our first time to be handled gently. Alas, dad was much too drunk and anxious to be gentle the first several times. Now I find that after my 2 marriages and 3 children, he just doesn’t seem to have the same level of enthusiasm towards me. I really hoped that his hip replacement would help. Oh well.

Dec 31, 2008 at 12:57 pm rating: +2

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#12 Woman on the Verge bang

As a mother of three… yes, three… boys (and still clinging to sanity, thank you very much) I am familiar to the “flush gently” refrain. Apparently they believe it necessary to use their manly muscles to make sure that toilet is well and truly FLUSHED, lest mom yell at them for not flushing. Unfortunately, we then have the dubious honor of frequent lever repair.

Dec 30, 2008 at 2:15 pm rating: +1 small thumbs up

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#13 Frankie bang

At my house we have to flush patiently. If you don’t stand there and hold the lever down while simultaneously offering “John” some moral support he turns into the little engine that just can’t quite….. Sometimes I tell him about the starving children in Africa, but I get the feeling he’s not listening.

Dec 30, 2008 at 2:16 pm rating: +33 small thumbs up

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#14 Amanda

The toilet has never been flushed!!!

Dec 30, 2008 at 2:16 pm rating: +1 small thumbs up

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#15 LuLu

God, flush thee toliet gently,
Leave nothing to display
Jesus Christ, your derriere
Did clog it yesterday
To save us all from plumber’s costs,
Flush soft and be on your way

Good flushings of tidiness and joy
Tidiness and joy
Good flushings of tidiness and joy

Dec 30, 2008 at 2:19 pm rating: +11 small thumbs up

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#16 HorribleLicensePlates

I can only hope this was at a Zanzibar’s

Dec 30, 2008 at 2:21 pm rating: +4 small thumbs up

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#17 Frankie bang

This makes me want to steal the lever. How pissed off would you be if you sat down and did your business then stood up to see this sign and no lever…. and maybe a pair of pliers laying on the floor right on top of the nasty caps that cover the screws at the base of the toilet…

Dec 30, 2008 at 2:25 pm rating: +5 small thumbs up

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#17.1 Grey

I wouldn’t be pissed, but the person who had to look at my day’s business may be.

Dec 31, 2008 at 11:58 am rating: 0

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#18 Eva

nice Heathers reference

Dec 30, 2008 at 4:37 pm rating: +4 small thumbs up

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#18.1 Bean

HA! I love it! I totally just watched that movie two days ago (got it in my xmas stocking)

Jan 1, 2009 at 2:03 pm rating: 0

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#19 Raymond

Sometimes you got to flush her gently

Dec 30, 2008 at 6:27 pm rating: +1 small thumbs up

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#19.1 mamason

Sometimes you got to flush her hard

Dec 30, 2008 at 6:30 pm rating: +3
#19.2 Frankie

Sometimes you gotta say HEY!
I’m gonna flush you softly!
I’m gonna flush you sweetly!
I’m gonna flush you discreetly!

Dec 31, 2008 at 10:39 am rating: +1
#19.3 Frankie

I’m gonna flush you completely! YEAH!

Hey, what’s your favorite dish?
I’m not gonna cook it but I’ll order it from ZANZIBAR!

Dec 31, 2008 at 10:47 am rating: 0

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#20 Feverin

Doing a job on my hole?

Dec 30, 2008 at 6:47 pm rating: 0 small thumbs up

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#21 Heather

Best PAN evah.

Dec 30, 2008 at 8:33 pm rating: 0 small thumbs up

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#22 snee bang

i broke my parents’ toilet the other day. yeah. broke the tank.

water. mayhem. recriminations.

Dec 31, 2008 at 1:35 am rating: +2 small thumbs up

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#22.1 park rose

We warned you about juggling with that chainsaw, ♥ sneedom ♥

Dec 31, 2008 at 7:40 am rating: +1

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#23 sars

omg whoever wrote that has the same handwriting as one of my best friends

but we don’t live in boston

Dec 31, 2008 at 2:47 am rating: 0 small thumbs up

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#24 Grey

Philip Marlowe would have said,
Her sign said “soft” but her bowl said, “Harder baby, harder.” So I unloaded on her. I gave her everything I had in me. Right in the chops she got it. I walked away, but she ran. She couldn’t stop running. We should have come clean with each other from the beginning, but she was so full of crap.

Dec 31, 2008 at 12:13 pm rating: +6 small thumbs up

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#25 Ti O bang

Do not flush gentle into that good night,
Big business, heavy poo-ers, shiver and shake;
Rage, rage against a flush without might.

Though wise men at their end know easy is right,
Because their shit had greatly piled they
Do not flush gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail flush might have danced in a tidy bowl,
Rage, rage against a flush without might.

Wild men who crapped and sang the fecal mist in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not flush gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who shake with burning shite
Brown holes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against a flush without might.

And you, my father, there on the porcelain height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not flush gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against a flush without might.

Dec 31, 2008 at 12:38 pm rating: +12 small thumbs up

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#25.1 mamason

*dabs a tear* That was just beautiful!

Dec 31, 2008 at 12:47 pm rating: 0
#25.2 Canthz_B

I feel so mother-fucking classy after reading that!!

Dec 31, 2008 at 1:16 pm rating: 0
#25.3 anglophile

Poetry is always appreciated, especially villanelles.

Dec 31, 2008 at 6:12 pm rating: 0
#25.4 park rose

Timo, *sigh* is my favourite villanelle, alongside The Riddler and The Joker.

Dec 31, 2008 at 8:52 pm rating: +1

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#26 Grey

Milton-
Receive thy new flusher- one who brings
A poop not to be changed by force or jiggle
The John is its own place, and in itself
Can make a turd from a Pollock, a Pollock from a turd

Dec 31, 2008 at 1:43 pm rating: +4 small thumbs up

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#27 Kim

oh boston… we are so classy.

http://howifoundout.blogspot.com/

Dec 31, 2008 at 2:50 pm rating: 0 small thumbs up

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#27.1 ...

zomg….it’s a reincarnate of whats his face….
Damn, see how long his name, or blog for that matter, lasted in my head.

Dec 31, 2008 at 5:13 pm rating: +1
#27.2 aaa

Well, then there was that other person who was here for two seconds, plugging her eco-groovy crap, and was successfully run off to Cake Wrecks.

BTW, reincarnate is either a verb or an adjective. The word you’re looking for is reincarnation. Heil Grammar!

Jan 1, 2009 at 11:09 am rating: +1

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#28 aaa

Flushing gently helps stave off poop walking.

Jan 1, 2009 at 11:04 am rating: +1 small thumbs up

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#29 MAMARILLA2 bang

Does anyone know if this is a lo-flo

Jan 1, 2009 at 4:02 pm rating: 0 small thumbs up

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#30 Thanks!

My toilet likes it when I flush it hard and call it a whore.

Jan 2, 2009 at 9:19 pm rating: +1 small thumbs up

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#31 My friend Zoids

You must talk to the toilet, tell it nothing is wrong. Once the toilet is assured there is no harm to come from your actions, push. Push slowly, push tenderly. Flush the wrongdoings of humanity down, to be gone forever.

Jan 2, 2009 at 9:32 pm rating: +1 small thumbs up

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#32 zipzaprap

flush me gentlyyyyy
flush me slowlllyyyy

Jan 3, 2009 at 10:18 am rating: 0 small thumbs up

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#33 kiddo katsu

i just saw this IRL yesterday! someone had added “its my first time”.

Jan 13, 2009 at 4:12 pm rating: 0 small thumbs up

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#34 Dave

I’m going to flush the shit out of you

Feb 6, 2009 at 8:53 pm rating: 0 small thumbs up

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#35 kate

The Heathers reference wasn’t lost on me.

Feb 17, 2009 at 1:00 pm rating: 0 small thumbs up

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#36 Revitol

Revitol Review – Skin problems can occur at any age, but there may be a way to avoid them by using revitol and it offers 90 days money back guarantee at http://www.Revitolskincarez.com

Nov 25, 2009 at 2:53 am rating: 0 small thumbs up

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#37 Beavis