Entries from December 2008

Just wait ’til he finds out the truth about the whole “fat guy down the chimney” thing

December 22nd, 2008 · 86 Comments

Sarah was taking a little stroll in Berkeley, California last December when she saw a house that clearly belonged to the “more is more” school of holiday decorating.

You know the type: “Giant candy canes, red bows, lights, even one of those life-sized plastic snow globes that blows confetti snow all around inside — all in a yard about the width of the sidewalk I was walking on,” Sarah says. “This note was tacked onto the fence, above an empty space in the row of candy canes.”

Who stole and vandalized a candy cane? Shame on you! My son will not understand your behavior. He will be confused and sad. Please control yourself and don't vandalize the Xmas decorations.

Adds Sarah: “Poor little boy. Now he’s not going to know it’s Christmas.”

related: a holiday wish

Tags: Berkeley · Christmas · excessive underlining · guilt trip · holiday spirit · Moms & Dads · stealing · vandalism · Won't somebody think of the children?

Hi kids, it’s your old pal, Fluffy!

December 20th, 2008 · 108 Comments

Once upon a time, our anonymous submitter informs us, a plucky young fellow who goes by the name “Fluffy Fox” found his way onto the walls of this underutilized Florida dorm shower. An avid personal hygiene enthusiast, Fluffy has always been all too willing to provide grime-infested student bodies with his full rundown of bathroom reminders.

How to: Shower

Did you remember to...

REMEMBER TO WIPE! Thanks, The Management

If passive-aggressive notes are good enough for prime time, surely there’s room for Fluffy’s bathroom antics in today’s lackluster Saturday morning cartoon lineup, no?

related: There are only 10 types of people in the world…

Tags: bathroom · college life · Florida · heart · hygiene · shower · toilet · visual aids

We’re not naming names, but…

December 18th, 2008 · 72 Comments

Spotted by Cara at a laundromat in Ucluelet, British Columbia…

It has come to our attention that SOME customers have forgotten their manners at home. Rude behavior such as swearing, raising your voice and SPITTING on our retailers because change was not available to you is unacceptable behavior. We would like to remind our customers that it is their responsibility to bring their own change when doing laundry. We would also like to inform our customers that the Post Office is not allowed to give change. Management.

related: It’s Pat!

Tags: British Columbia · Canada · etiquette · laundry · spitting

Valediction: a forbidding warning

December 17th, 2008 · 98 Comments

Our anonymous submitter, a college student in California, thought he was “flying under the radar” in his poetry class, but as later he discovered, the “stealth mode” setting on his iPod Touch was a little buggy.

one final note...

Tags: California · cell phone · college life · oh snap

All I want for Christmas

December 16th, 2008 · 61 Comments

Writes Monica in Salt Lake City, Utah: “The hip abduction machine has been broken at my local gym for almost the entire year. The powers that be claim it will be fixed soon, Monica says, but it looks like one fellow gym-goer decided to take up the issue with an even higher power.

Dear Santa, All I want for Christmas is this machine FIXED

Dear Santa, All I want for Christmas is this machine FIXED

related: evidently, yes

Tags: Christmas · gym · holiday spirit · Salt Lake City · Utah

The nerd’s guide to passive-aggressive behavior

December 15th, 2008 · 73 Comments

We’ve received several copies of this instructive flowchart, which the helpful illustrators of Graph jam have made available to coffee watchdogs the world over.

The nerd's guide to not leaving the fucking coffee pot empty

Seeing people print their passive-aggressive flowcharts off the Internet makes our resident nerd, Eric, sentimental for simpler times. He quietly reflects on time spent wandering the halls of Brown University’s CS department back in 2007. In those days, tech-minded individuals still made patronizing flowcharts the old-fashioned way, using OpenOffice on Linux.

Did you just take an ice cube?

Though such documents are most commonly spotted in offices populated by engineers and other technically inclined folk, even Kerry — who is not earning her Ph.d in Computer Science — can appreciate the clarity of a flowchart like this one:

Criteria for the proper tactical usage of the phrase 'oh snap!': a flowchart

related: When Ph.ds get frustrated

extra credit: “Flow chart: is it fucked up?” [boingboing]

Tags: coffee · flow chart · ice · kitchen · oh snap

The pointed politics of spoon ownership

December 13th, 2008 · 63 Comments

The spoon may lack the aggressive physique of its more acute brethren, the knife and fork, but make no mistake: it is the passive-aggressive utensil of choice.

Why else would these spoons, spotted by Melissa at her office in Harlingen, Texas, be assuming a leadership position among this group of discontented silverware? We received word of this neglect on December 3, and can only speculate as to how furious the spoons were forced to become before getting the attention they deserve.

We the spoons, in order to form a more crusty union ...

This kind of spoon-related standoff is hardly an isolated occurence, however…as Garett witnessed with this bulletin board display of spoon-napping from the local community center.

Becky Wants her Spoon!

related post: the silverware segregationist

Tags: "accidental" "borrowing" · office · spoons · visual aids

No, really — it’s just research for my Andrea Dworkin paper!

December 12th, 2008 · 48 Comments

“There’s a lot of foot traffic at a certain computer lab at our university,” says our submitter in Ypsilanti, Michigan, “but it can only seat 30 at a time.”

In order to (in theory) alleviate the problem, and in practice, to give waiting students some new clip art to focus their rage upon, the university posted this sign on the door of the lab…to which several students added their own clarifications.

Really, though: which is a better simulation of post-college working life for the major of university graduates: writing a paper on themes of alienation in James Joyce…or periods of mind-numbing boredom punctuated by the furtive checking of status updates and the throwing of virtual snowballs? Mmm?

Have compassion in your hearts for people on Facebook!

related: Making time for the important things in life…like Facebook apps

Tags: actually totally reasonable · clip art catastrophe · college life · Facebook · im-speak · rebuttals

Oral argument

December 11th, 2008 · 69 Comments

Our defendant, Lee in Austin, was just finishing off a travel-sized toothpaste from a recent business trip when Lee’s roommate — apparently oblivious to this small change in routine — became convinced that Lee was mooching off her tube of Advance White.

“My roommate told my boyfriend that she had left me ‘a note,’ and about a week later he asked me if I had seen it. I had not, because, in fact, I had never touched her damn toothpaste. But now, every time I reach for my toothpaste, I see this.”

Being passive-aggressive - please buy your own

And by the way, adds Lee, “She [said roommate] is currently out of shampoo.”

related: Oh, please. Do I look like someone who uses drugstore shampoo?

Tags: Austin · hygiene · meta · roommates · sharing is caring

What’s black, white and totally over?

December 11th, 2008 · 101 Comments

From Canberra…

The Chronicle is unsolicited litter. Its removal is the sole responsibility of the Canberra Times and its agents.

To London…

NO READING PLEASE

To Washington, D.C….

NO MORE DAMN PAPERS (PLEASE)

…it seems like one thing everyone can agree on is the total obsolescence of print media.

(sigh)

related: Love, apt. #3

Tags: Australia · Canberra · D.C. · newspaper · pleasantries as afterthought