Desperately seeking closure

January 6th, 2009 · 83 comments

Nate’s sister Heather found this note (written on a bus schedule) outside their house in Los Angeles. “I’d like to think Dan took a bus to surprise Roberto, only to be given the cold shoulder,” Nate says, but we can only speculate about the nature of Dan’s attitude towards the future of this relationship. (Zen? Desperate? Really, really flexible?)

Adds Nate: “I particularly appreciate how he gives Roberto the option to improvise.”

Roberto, if you don't want to let me in that's O.K...But please at least do the same for me as any other friend and look out the window and say

related: Tant pis, mon amie

FILED UNDER: frenemies · Los Angeles


83 responses so far ↓

  • #1   anon

    “this photo is currently unavailable”

    Jan 6, 2009 at 10:35 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   Ti O

      “Friend currently not available. Go away!

      Jan 6, 2009 at 10:54 am   rating: 27  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   Mishee bang

    *tsk tsk tsk*

    kerry, kerry…

    oh well, I still love you.

    Jan 6, 2009 at 10:38 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #3   SchrodingersDuck

    At last we learn the true answer to the rhetorical question “What are friends for?”: leaning out of the window shouting “Go Away”. I have more friends than I thought, apparently.

    Jan 6, 2009 at 10:41 am   rating: 55  small thumbs up

     
  • #4   You Suck at Craigslist

    Why do I have the feeling that Roberto doesn’t keep friends for very long?

    Jan 6, 2009 at 10:42 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   TheOldSchool bang

      YSAC,

      I won’t presume to speak for your intuitive sense, but I was puzzled by the fact that all of Roberto’s friends were named “John.”

      The sign on his entry way door stating: “First Half-Hour: $150. Second: $75. CCs and PayPal Accepted. No Personal Checks (Especially from Nate), raised my suspicions.

      Then, at our first consultation, he informed me that “$60 early bird hand relief special” was known around town as “the screenwriter’s favorite muse.”

      Yes, Roberto may be underhanded in business, but……Sigh ……..He’s so soft-handed, too.

      Relax…..you’re soaking in it.

      Jan 6, 2009 at 1:25 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.2   Canthz_B bang

      “Madge, Popeye won’t let me give him a blow job. What should I do?”

      “Use your palm, Olive!” ;-)

      Jan 6, 2009 at 2:42 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.3   i lurk 2

      Your all real funny but why is 4.1 linked to 4.
      I do not see it and i do not see john in the note.

      Jan 6, 2009 at 3:24 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.4   TheOldSchool bang

      John is with Roberto. They’re hiding in the priest hole, waiting for Dan to give up and leave.

      No worries, though.

      John knows that when the moment is right, Roberto will be ready.

      (And even if he isn’t up to the task, he’s still got those magic, Pillsbury Dough Boy-esque soft hands, and that facetious little giggle he makes whenever John is poppin’ fresh from the lovin’.)

      Jan 6, 2009 at 4:24 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.5   i lurk 2

      I know what a john is i was just triing to get where you got a man ho out of the story but i guess you made it out of nothing.
      my main question was why you linked it to answer 4 instend of making a indipendant joke.

      Jan 6, 2009 at 4:48 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.6   Canthz_B bang

      Ever think there’s a really good reason you’ve been a lurker? :???:

      Jan 6, 2009 at 4:54 pm   rating: 22  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.7   Mishee bang

      I would like to put my 5 cents in now (yes, my opinion is worth a little more… its just cause I rock)

      i lurk 2 – may I suggest a wonderful website http://www.m-w.com ?

      Just triing to help. (p.s. I am glad you took the whole “drop the Y and add ING” spelling rule to heart, but remember, there ARE exceptions.)

      Jan 6, 2009 at 5:01 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.8   unfortunate names blog

      Lurkage – I don’t think a john counts as a “man ho” he’s the ho-er rather than the ho-ee.

      Jan 6, 2009 at 6:16 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   Goldie

    Alright, show of hands. Who else thinks Roberto wasn’t home?

    Jan 6, 2009 at 10:51 am   rating: 51  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   Ti O

      Oh he wasn’t at home at all. He was in West Hollywood with his new “friend” .

      Jan 6, 2009 at 10:56 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.2   mamason bang

      Unfortunately, not only was Roberto home, he was in desperate need of medical attention. Suffering from explosive diarrhea, he had collapsed in the bathroom from dehydration. If Dan’s self esteem weren’t so low, he could have saved his friend. The deperate scratchings of a man in need of help, dismissed as the sounds of someone tiptoeing around the house.

      Poor Roberto.

      Jan 6, 2009 at 12:34 pm   rating: 38  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.3   RandyinReno

      The explosive diarrhea must have struck while Roberto was in the shower.

      Jan 6, 2009 at 1:10 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.4   TheOldSchool bang

      Why are all these hands calloused in the same spots?

      Jan 6, 2009 at 1:29 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.5   Mishee bang

      re 5.2 – I sure hope Roberto remembers to put the lid down before flushing.

      I hear that when you flush there is an invisible “toilet mist” (if you will) that covers everything in the bathroom, including your toothbrush!!!

      Ew.

      Jan 6, 2009 at 1:56 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.6   Canthz_B bang

      LOL, mamason!

      You should write ad copy for Life Alert!! :-)

      “I’m shitting, and I can’t get up!”

      Jan 6, 2009 at 2:49 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   unholyghost2003 bang

    except this note was left on Nate and Heather’s door. Unless Nate and Heather live with Roberto a possibly long lasting friendship was ruined because Dan got the address wrong.

    Dan,
    I did not let you in or come to the window to tell you to “go away” or something similar because I don’t live there.
    Thank you,
    Roberto

    Jan 6, 2009 at 10:55 am   rating: 26  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   Canthz_B bang

      That’s why I leave a pile of poo on the doorstep …it’s a symbol of my love and a damned fine landmark!

      Jan 6, 2009 at 11:25 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #7   se

    Anybody else wondering how this note was attached?

    Jan 6, 2009 at 10:57 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   tinkerbell2

      nope. they didn’t say it was stuck to anything, did they? it might have been under a stone or something.

      Jan 6, 2009 at 12:00 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.2   mamason bang

      It was attached with Dan’s tears. And maybe a little snot because Dan’s nose always runs when he cries.

      Jan 6, 2009 at 12:15 pm   rating: 24  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #8   Mishee bang

    Dan,

    Just stand outside and yell “Roberto” over and over.

    Maybe you will get lucky… Maybe Lopez will come out.

    Jan 6, 2009 at 10:59 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   wright bang

      Heh, classic Kids In The Hall with Mark McKinney. Thanks, Mishee!

      People are kinda hard on ol’ Danny. Okay, that’s what this site is all about, but still… I mean, it could be their own freakin’ apartment that Roberto’s locked him out of. Poor emo Dan is standing there in the cold rain, hoping against hope to be let back into the warmth and the welcome…

      Nah, forget it. Suck it up and spit it out like a street pro, Dan.

      Jan 6, 2009 at 9:47 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #9   claw71 bang

    When it comes to friendship Dan sets his expectations low. Even so, Roberto opted not to meet them.

    Jan 6, 2009 at 11:12 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

     
  • #10   Canthz_B bang

    Dan would seem less desperate if he didn’t write with an eyebrow pencil.

    Jan 6, 2009 at 11:29 am   rating: 21  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   claw71 bang

      Metrosexual emo boys know how to multitask.

      Jan 6, 2009 at 11:30 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #11   claw71 bang

    I’d like to dedicate Outside by Staind to our boy Dan:

    And you
    never gave me extra keys

    All this time
    you wouldn’t even tell me “leave”
    yeah

    And I cry
    because I feel insecure
    yeah

    and I leave
    a note that might seem alme

    I’m on the outide
    you are my friend
    I want to talk to you
    I see through your curtain
    ’cause inside you ignore me, why do this to me?
    I only want to see you
    just talk to you

    All this time
    I thought you’d yell outide
    “go away”

    And I taste
    my pride as it goes down
    cause of you

    ALL THIS TIME!
    I WAS OUTSIDE!
    MY INTENTION!
    TO SAY HI!!!!
    And I waste, more time than anyone…

    I’m on the outide
    you are my friend
    I want to talk to you
    I see through your curtain
    ’cause inside you ignore me, why do this to me?
    I only want to see you
    just talk to you

    Jan 6, 2009 at 11:29 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   Andy

      Claw, you’ve made me laugh many times before, but this one was like a sledge hammer to that spot just above my elbow. Thanks for making a shitty morning less shitty for a few minutes.

      Jan 7, 2009 at 11:59 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #12   Canthz_B bang

    Dan may not have spotted Ashton Kutcher, but he was Punk’d nonetheless.

    Jan 6, 2009 at 11:43 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #13   mamason bang

    Dan wants to make sure he’s not a victim of a generalized and/or random brushing off. He wants the respect given to him by his other friends who will at least look out the window and make eye contact as they shout, “Go away! ”

    Poor Dan.

    Jan 6, 2009 at 12:13 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

     
  • #14   JamieSays

    I like to think that Roberto was inside, TV or other form of entertainment clearly audible, and that he also made several passes by the window or door JUST to let Dan know he was there, but that he was not invited in. “A good friend would at least say ‘Go Away’”. Nay, a good friend expects you to pick up on subtle hints, Dan.

    Jan 6, 2009 at 12:26 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

     
  • #15   TheOldSchool bang

    I want to know what Nate’s sister was doing outside of Roberto’s house?

    And why is Nate so obsessed with Dan and Roberto’s relationship? (He seems desperate to find clues about Dan’s personality.)

    Maybe someone should warn Dan and Roberto that they are being watched by stalkers.

    Jan 6, 2009 at 12:34 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #16   Flaboy2425

    Dan’s unremitting love robs him of his sleep. How much longer can he bear up under the pressure?

    Say something, Roberto. Say anything. Your silence only proves that you don’t deserve a caring individual like Dan as a friend.

    Jan 6, 2009 at 12:52 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #17   TheOldSchool bang

    Nate, stop using your sister as your “beard.”

    If you want to go out with Dan, be a man and take out a personal ad on Craigslist.

    Jan 6, 2009 at 12:53 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

     
  • #18   aaa

    Now Dan, are these people really your friends if they’re constantly telling you to go away? Or has Roberto just been sucked into your pattern of attaching yourself to people without their consent (or perhaps even their knowledge)?

    Jan 6, 2009 at 12:58 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

     
  • #19   TheOldSchool bang

    Oh rats! Look at the time!

    Can someone with a high res screen please tell me what times the next two “#4″s (westbound) hit South Broadway?

    Roberto gets all sulky whenever I’m late for our “sessions.”

    Jan 6, 2009 at 1:04 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #19.1   Canthz_B bang

      Not to worry, my friend…you have until Saturday! :-)

      Jan 6, 2009 at 2:53 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #20   aaa

    I bet Dan would be the type to come on to PAN and have a public meltdown à la WHITEBLIZZARD70 if he found out his note was up here.

    Jan 6, 2009 at 1:04 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #21   hibousoir

    This note is AWESOME! It reads like weird, bad euro-Beat poetry. Somebody get Dan a beret and some bongos, stat!

    Jan 6, 2009 at 1:50 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #21.1   JamieSays

      All I could think of was “She was a thief, you gotta believe, she stole my heart and my cat”

      Jan 6, 2009 at 2:02 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.2   hibousoir bang

      “Hey Jane, get me off this crazy thing . . . called . . . love.”

      Groovy.

      Jan 6, 2009 at 2:08 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.3   Ti O

      WOMAN! WHooooa man!

      * snap snap snap snap *

      Jan 6, 2009 at 2:57 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #22   Mishee bang

    I’m thinking Dan would’ve had more luck standing outside Roberto’s window with a boombox blaring “In Your Eyes”

    (hey, if kerry can reference cheesy 80′s movies, then dammit, so can I!)

    Jan 6, 2009 at 2:01 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

    • #22.1   anglophile bang

      Cheesy??? Cheesy????

      You young whippersnapper! Say Anything was the finest of date-movie offerings. Show some respect.

      :roll: Kids these days!

      Jan 6, 2009 at 2:12 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.2   Mishee bang

      Eh… Better Off Dead was better!

      :)

      “This is pure snow! Do you have any idea what the street value of this mountain is?”

      Gotta love Booger!

      Jan 6, 2009 at 2:18 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.3   Ti O

      Greendale is a bodaciously small town, Lane. A fly speck on the map – a rest stop on the way to the ski slope. I can’t even get real drugs here!

      Jan 6, 2009 at 2:59 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.4   Juliet

      Dude it’s Christmas eve! I could be at home right now, drinking a killer egg nog my brother makes with lighter fluid!

      Better Off Dead is one of my all-time favourite movies!

      Jan 6, 2009 at 3:06 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #23   se

    Isn’t it interesting that Nate thinks about this relationship and the term “really, really flexible” comes to mind?

    Jan 6, 2009 at 2:14 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #23.1   Mishee bang

      se, wrong area! This is in L.A.

      San Francisco is more North.

      Jan 6, 2009 at 2:32 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.2   se

      but..but…but, doesn’t L.A. stand for loose anus?

      Jan 6, 2009 at 2:52 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.3   mamason bang

      Butt… butt… butt… I would never stand for loose anus. I would just try to sit tight. ;-)

      Jan 6, 2009 at 3:22 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.4   Mishee bang

      I know what you mean mama… hell, sitting tight got me a free autographed copy of the UK version of the PAN book!

      I rock.

      *still sitting tight… but only for kerry*

      Jan 6, 2009 at 4:37 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.5   mamason bang

      That’s my girl! ;-)

      You make mama so proud.

      Jan 6, 2009 at 8:14 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #24   GhostWriter bang

    Introducing…
    Daniel!
    …the stray cat who would write reproaching notes.

    Jan 6, 2009 at 2:41 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #24.1   Ti O

      Daniel is too shy GW. Now that bitch gossip Henrietta Pussycat is a total PAN junky. MEow meow meow this and meow meow meow did that. GOSH! Shut the hell up already bitch and MYOB!

      Jan 6, 2009 at 3:42 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.2   Sue Do Nim

      Finally…a reference I get. Thanks, Ti O.

      X the Owl

      Jan 6, 2009 at 9:51 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #25   Juliet

    Why didn’t Dan just go away? The fact that Roberto was allegedly ignoring him seems to me like pretty clear communication. When you go to someone else’s house and they don’t answer the door, piss off and go somewhere else. This is the type of note that belongs in a Facebook status update.

    Jan 6, 2009 at 3:10 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #25.1   se

      Well, there ya go again, using logic. This is not the place for logic

      Jan 6, 2009 at 3:37 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.2   Mishee bang

      Juliet! You better hold your tongue before I cut it out of your head!!!!!!!

      WE DO NOT MENTION THE “F” WORD HERE!

      I hate Facebook Fridays almost as much as I hate it when RunBarbara takes out the BIG dildo with that gleam in her eye. That’s when I know for sure that claw71 is in for it. And its never a pretty thing to witness. But she makes me watch (a la Clockwork Orange).

      Bitch.

      Jan 6, 2009 at 4:39 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.3   TheOldSchool bang

      Juliet,

      What you’re advocating seems to be a “quitters’ attitude.”

      I’m guessing that you have not only failed to understand what it is that makes Dan tick, you haven’t even grasped what it is in the American character that makes men build phallically shaped monuments in public places for no discernible reason whatsoever.

      Juliet, maybe you need some night-schooling.

      Craigslist abounds with under-employed, yet highly qualified tutors. Perhaps you could do America a favor by doing your bit to help jump-start the economy, and learn about the noble character (and goofy customs, costumes, and folk dances) of this country’s arguably sane inhabitants.

      We’re not quitters, Juliet.

      Unless we’re bored or distracted.

      I hope Dan builds a monument to Roberto.

      (If he does, I have a couple of design ideas I’d be happy to show him for a not unreasonably ludicrous fee.)

      Jan 6, 2009 at 4:46 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.4   chance

      You should know you almost committed murder with that last post! I almost choked on my damn Dr. Pepper because of you! But seriously…how big?

      Jan 6, 2009 at 4:49 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.5   Mishee bang

      chance – You don’t wanna know.

      It’s big enough. Think Ed Sullivan, but instead of a shoe, its a really big dildo…

      and as for #25.3 – I was going to say something about quitters, but I got DISTRACTED and soon lost interest in the project.

      Jan 6, 2009 at 4:54 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.6   JamieSays

      Good friends build monuments…or something similar.

      Jan 6, 2009 at 4:56 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.7   Canthz_B bang

      Facebook should be called “faceityouhavenofriendsinreallifedealwithit”!

      Jan 6, 2009 at 5:01 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.8   Mishee bang

      chance – also, you will find in time that eating or drinking around your computer while reading PAN comments could cost you a keyboard, a monitor, or as you now realize, possibly your life.

      Proceed with caution.

      Jan 6, 2009 at 5:05 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.9   Canthz_B bang

      Phallic symbols? I sure hope your stuff isn’t pointed, like the Washington Monument! :mrgreen:

      Jan 6, 2009 at 5:09 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.10   mamason bang

      Man! Don’t y’all find it exausting being this funny and clever? ;-)

      Jan 6, 2009 at 8:29 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.11   unholyghost2003 bang

      always.

      Jan 6, 2009 at 11:43 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.12   Andy

      I always thought building monuments in the shape of a phallus was the best way to penetrate the skyline…

      Jan 7, 2009 at 12:07 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #26   GhostWriter bang

    Doesn’t the whole thing sorta remind you of Styx’s Kilroy Was Here album?

    Don’t be apprehensive, Mr. Roberto- by the front door each day
    Don’t be apprehensive, Mr. Roberto, Daniel won’t go away

    Why won’t you let me in? (jeepers creepers, or something similar)
    I flash my silly grin (jeepers creepers, or something similar)
    My heart is in my hand (jeepers creepers, or something similar)
    I am your old friend Dan!

    I’ve gotta see you; I’ve been hiding under your porch
    It’s hardly humorous-, my back is burning, feels like a blowtorch
    So if you see me at the window, don’t be surprised,
    I’m just a man with strange assumptions, now let me inside.
    No- don’t go and hide, just leave me some pride,
    Some one’s behind those curtains inside …

    You naughty Robert! Behind the curtains. Of course I can see
    I’ve come to stalk you, What’s your problem? My weekend is free…
    I’m not a weirdo, Don’t want to share ya with others you know,
    My lusty manhood’s so substantial, it’s beyond my control
    Beyond my control, We all need control
    I need control, We all need control

    I am your old friend Dan (jeepers creepers, or something similar)
    Broadcasting notes on PAN (jeepers creepers, or something similar)
    I think it’s plain you’ll see (jeepers creepers, or something similar)
    We’re truly meant to be!

    Don’t be apprehensive, Mr. Roberto
    Oh no, oh no,
    Don’t be apprehensive, Mr. Roberto,
    Oh no, oh no,
    Don’t be apprehensive, Mr. Roberto
    Don’t be apprehensive, Mr. Roberto
    Don’t be apprehensive, Mr. Roberto
    Don’t be apprehensive, Mr. Roberto

    ..
    .

    Jan 6, 2009 at 4:01 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #27   bellabeastie

    How – why do I think these guys are Puerto Rican?

    “Chheez Heriberto open dedamdoor! Choo could bee nice an alease rook outda window an if choo don wanna me come inside trodownashoo or somting. whaadafuck. Whakindafren arechoo? I took da fuckin bus, here man. Whaaswrong witchoo? P.S. Don tell Nate but I fucked his seester .. hehe gracias– Dan”

    Jan 7, 2009 at 9:48 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #27.1   Smitty

      How–why do I think you’re racist?

      Jan 7, 2009 at 9:57 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.2   Bellabeastie

      Hey– my boyfriend’s Puerto Rican for your information tortilla breath. Don ‘t be so fuckin’ thin-skinned.

      Team Everyone Gets Made Fun of Around Here

      Jan 7, 2009 at 6:09 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.3   Canthz_B bang

      I’m with you, Bella…fuck ‘em, but don’t marry ‘em!! :-P

      Smitty, get a life, lighten up. There is such a thing as good, clean fun…note the lack of racial slurs in Bella’s joke…yes, joke.
      BTW, what made you think Bellabeastie isn’t a Puerto Rican?…Because her other posts were so well written??
      You may not be a Racist, Smitty, but you sure are prejudiced!

      Jan 9, 2009 at 12:28 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #28   Kryssy

    I saw this posted on http://www.found.com as well.
    :)

    Jan 9, 2009 at 10:03 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #29   Tiny Buddha

    Umm..Does this happen to Dan a lot? His friends frequently look out the window and say go away? This can’t be Robertos problem in the least. Isn’t a passive aggressive faux pas to use a bus schedule for anything other than wiping a bums ass?

    Jan 10, 2009 at 3:03 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #30   a trivial mistake

    [...] related: desperately seeking closure [...]

    Feb 11, 2009 at 3:18 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #31   thanks a lot

    [...] related: desperately seeking closure [...]

    Jun 2, 2009 at 9:09 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #32   you can have the inflatable bananas

    [...] related: desperately seeking closure [...]

    Sep 28, 2009 at 9:15 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     

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