Writes Ashley in Thousand Oaks, California: “A few years ago, my grandmother and I were sharing a bathroom, and sometimes I would use her towels. One day I opened the drawer and found this note. Of course, I had to take a picture!”
And then…well, then there’s this.
related: How I “did” my grandma
78 responses so far ↓
#1
Steven
I like how the label on the jar makes it look like it contains Grandma.
Jan 12, 2009 at 6:04 pm rating: 90
#2
TheOldSchool
She sounds like a real GILF.
Jan 12, 2009 at 6:06 pm rating: 90
#3
umlaut
I call fake!
Ashley is David Shrigley and I claim my £5.
Jan 12, 2009 at 6:14 pm rating: 90
#4
Dina
I swear that first Grandma note actually says “You Pie”. As in “Be a good little girl and don’t touch Grandma’s towels. In exchange, she’ll give you some delicious pie!”
Because there’s no way that anyone’s Grandmother would write death threats in red Sharpie, right?
I mean, what’s next? In the underwear drawer, a menacing pair of dentures, conspicuously sharpened into fangs?
Jan 12, 2009 at 6:30 pm rating: 90
#5
Mark
Fake. Looks at the “A” & “D” in each photo.
Jan 12, 2009 at 6:33 pm rating: 90
#6
jfruh
Actually, upon a second look the first note appears to say “Hands off, you! Die” and then some word I can’t read. It may just be “die” again, which would be great, or something menacing in German.
Jan 12, 2009 at 6:39 pm rating: 90
#7
SarahBelle
Gross! Look at the bottom shelf of that refrigerator. I think grandma’s got bigger problems than what’s in that jar. Like anything in the fridge.
Jan 12, 2009 at 6:42 pm rating: 90
#8
Jessica
Her Grandma would kill her over used towels? And she submits this with laughter? haha…
Jan 12, 2009 at 6:44 pm rating: 90
#9
JamieSays
I’d keep my hands out of that damn drawer. I bet Grandma booby trapped it with knives and needles.
Jan 12, 2009 at 6:47 pm rating: 90
#10
claw71
Grandma doesn’t really mind if you use her towels. The issue here is that grandma likes to stash her 14 inch dildo under the towels in that drawer for easy access when reruns of In the Heat of the Night get her all worked up. And you thought she was talking to her cat when she was moaning “Oh, Mr. Tibbs” in the middle of the night.
And by the way, Ashely, don’t go snooping around in the “stitching” room either. I’m sure Grams doesn’t want you messing with her Sybian (the thing she calls Matlock that sounds like an industrial sewing machine).
Jan 12, 2009 at 7:04 pm rating: 90
#11
TheOldSchool
Claw,
I think you’ve nailed her, so to speak.
I’ve got a question regarding the film reference.
Who makes granny the most moist: Sidney Poitier orRod Steiger?
I’ll take it on faith that you weren’t referring to Carroll O’Connor, the star of the network series which aired from 1988 to 1995.
Granny was freaky, but if she were the type to get hot for C O’C, I’m sure she would have been living in a facility with around the clock psychiatric care, soft walls, and paper slippers.
Jan 12, 2009 at 7:25 pm rating: 90
#12
Canthz_B
“Honey, we need to visit your parents. We’re down to our last jar of Grandma!”
Jan 12, 2009 at 7:48 pm rating: 90
#13
Canthz_B
This picture is really making me crave a Grandma and jelly sandwich on Sara Lee bread, and an ice cold glass of milk!
Jan 12, 2009 at 7:50 pm rating: 90
#14
Canthz_B
It would be better to keep Granny in the freezer.
She’d last much longer and it’s way cheaper than those cryogenics people were going to charge.
Jan 12, 2009 at 7:52 pm rating: 90
#15
Troy McClure
Isn’t the accepted formula to juxtapose the thing you’re not supposed to do with the threat? It’s not “hands offa my car I breaka you face.”
Jan 12, 2009 at 8:16 pm rating: 90
#16
thatguy
Ashley’s granny rocks!
Jan 12, 2009 at 8:37 pm rating: 90
#17
blueangels7901
Whatever was in Grandma’s jar was delicious- kinda like Ovaltine meets Yoohoo. I wiped my hands and mouth with her towels, too. Muahahahaha!
Jan 12, 2009 at 9:33 pm rating: 90
#18
Canthz_B
Grandma has been slightly testy since that nasty business with Mr. Wolf.
Jan 12, 2009 at 9:41 pm rating: 90
#19
MoxieHart
Hands off or no more Werther’s Originals for you.
Jan 12, 2009 at 10:31 pm rating: 90
#20
aaa
Who the fuck eats powdered dog shit? Then again, I really shouldn’t ask, should I?
Jan 12, 2009 at 10:51 pm rating: 90
#21
Jennie
Grandma needs some Xanax mixed into that powder, apparently.
Jan 12, 2009 at 10:58 pm rating: 90
#22
Canthz_B
Ashley doesn’t have a “grandmother”.
That death threat could only have come from a “Big Mama”!
Jan 12, 2009 at 11:15 pm rating: 90
#23
Samantha
I would have written “NURSING HOME” on the first one
just a suggestion
Jan 13, 2009 at 12:46 am rating: 90
#24
HorribleLicensePlates
Because its worth killing a child over a used towel. Crazy grandma.
Jan 13, 2009 at 8:19 am rating: 90
#25
The Office Scribe
My grandmother just would have written: Touch my towels and you are out of the will.
Mostly because she kicks me out of the will a couple times a month. I am going to her house for dinner tonight and when I beat her at Spades, she will kick me out again.
Jan 13, 2009 at 9:18 am rating: 90
#26
GhostWriter
“Remember last time we made gunpowder? We hid it in a mason jar in the back of the fridge, but Grandma still found it, thought it was cinnamon, and stirred it into her morning glass of Jogging-In-A-Jug. Then she blew up the downstairs toilet and sported a stiffy all day from the saltpeter.”
“Well this time remember to make a label!”
Jan 13, 2009 at 9:54 am rating: 90
#27
Bunnee
Both of these notes kind of shatter the traditional image of a sweet, loving granny, who rocks in her chair and knits scarves all day while watching “Lawrence Welk”.
Jan 13, 2009 at 10:14 am rating: 90
#28
TheOldSchool
After spending the night in tantric contemplation, I have unlocked the secret to this mystery.
PAN has been duped.
Ashley isn’t the grand-daughter of this kindly old woman.
ASHLEY IS A SQUATTER.
I’ve seen her type before. These sick degenerates worm their way into the homes of the elderly (always under false pretenses) and then, once they’re convinced that the victim is a worthy “mark” (i.e., feeble-minded and living alone), they go to “work.”
First, they befriend the target and get her to believe that they’re from “the agency.”
Next, they tell the victim’s neighbors and former gambling companions (bingo, texas hold ‘em, mutual funds, REITs) that they’re related.
To establish legitimacy under the law, they surreptitiously concoct surrealist-based evidence of their “grandma’s” insanity, take digital photographs, and then send these photos to well-intentioned, but recklessly credulous, web sites like PAN.
My guess is that Ashley had “grandma” committed within hours of this PAN posting.
By 9:00 this morning, we can be certain, “grandma’s” condo will have been gutted, and all of her financial assets will have been transferred to an account in the Cayman Islands.
By 10:00, a middle-aged divorcee with a frozen smile and a leased Mercedes will be showing the condo to a retired school teacher who likes bingo and one-armed bandits.
A year or so from now, PAN will post a couple of photos from the school teacher’s niece that provide conclusive proof that the former teacher has gone ’round the bend.
Well done, Pan.
What is your cut?
Jan 13, 2009 at 12:03 pm rating: 90
#29
Andy
Everyone is assuming that the first note is referring to the towels in the drawer. I suspect there’s a fat sack of weed obscured by and the subject of that note. I know I keep mine in the towel drawer!
Even still – puff, puff, pass, Granny!
Jan 13, 2009 at 12:09 pm rating: 90
#30
Goldie
Does this look like an old woman’s handwriting? “Grandma”, my ass. The wolf wrote both notes. The jar? that’s Grandma leftovers. The wolf is on Weightwatchers so he couldn’t finish all Grandma in one sitting… she was thirty points over his daily allowance.
Whatever you do, Ashley, do not say “Oh Grandma, what big towels you have!” These will be your last words.
Jan 13, 2009 at 1:14 pm rating: 90
#31
Olson
To the first note, I would have HAD to write my own note:
“You first Grandma”
…and I also thought about possible boobie traps in the towel drawer, but nothing sharp and pointy. I think Grandma is more crafty, like she would rub jalapeno peppers on her towels so that when you use them she will definitely know.
Jan 13, 2009 at 1:43 pm rating: 90
#32
swordofsutekh
I’ve seen these kinds of notes, but I had not realized this website existed at time or I would have submitted every last one of them.
I love this kind of stuff. I used to visit a website that was nothing but notes that people had found, but I can’t remember the web address anymore. There was one for pictures, too. Any ideas?
Jan 13, 2009 at 2:44 pm rating: 90
#33
Kansas girl
It’s one thing to leave a note when you don’t know who did whatever you have a beef about, but here, Grandma does know. So why wouldn’t she just talk to Ashley directly and ask her not to use the towels? Why write a… oh wait. Forgot what site I was on for a sec.
(But I still wonder.)
Jan 13, 2009 at 5:06 pm rating: 90
#34
Rebecca
Can I have your Grandma?
Jan 13, 2009 at 8:26 pm rating: 90
#35
Olson
OMG…I just figured this out. In response to the threatening note in the towel drawer, Ashley decided to confront Grandma. An altercation ensued. Grandma was accidentally killed, so Ashley had to hide the evidence. Her twisted method of doing this was to cremate Grandma and put her in the fridge with the “Grandma” “Do Not Eat” label, which is perfect logic. Nobody has the gall to mess with a container with Grandma’s name on it because she’s already threatened murder over something as simple as towels. Therefore, no one will ever investigate what might be in the container. (In her twisted mind, I’m sure Ashley considered it the perfect ironic joke to put Grandma in the “Grandma” labelled container.)
Jan 14, 2009 at 10:00 am rating: 90
#36
whitney
That fiber powder was fucking delicious.
Jan 14, 2009 at 2:29 pm rating: 90
#37
Tabayag
If Grandma is in the jar, does that mean that Sparky didn’t REALLY go to the nice family farm!?!?!
Jan 15, 2009 at 9:31 pm rating: 90
#38
Jodi
What? Grandma died?!?!??
Jan 15, 2009 at 10:53 pm rating: 90
#39
Josh D
At first I thought the mason jar was Ashley’s stash.
I can’t use your towels… no moonshine for Grandma.
Jan 19, 2009 at 12:44 pm rating: 90
#40
Al Williams
It looks like yeast (for beer) in the mason jar, in case anyone was wondering.
Jan 28, 2009 at 4:39 pm rating: 90
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