Where’s the beef?

January 12th, 2009 · 78 comments

Writes Ashley in Thousand Oaks, California: “A few years ago, my grandmother and I were sharing a bathroom, and sometimes I would use her towels. One day I opened the drawer and found this note. Of course, I had to take a picture!”

HANDS OFF YOU DIE

And then…well, then there’s this.

related: How I “did” my grandma

FILED UNDER: California · die bitch die · family · Grandma · not-so-veiled threats · old folks


78 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Steven

    I like how the label on the jar makes it look like it contains Grandma.

    Jan 12, 2009 at 6:04 pm   rating: 80  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   TheOldSchool bang

      Steven,

      You’ve obviously never cremated old ladies.

      The remains are darker, chunkier, and more hazardous. (Think: Chernobyl croutons.)

      Jan 12, 2009 at 6:10 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.2   Jonah

      Maybe I watch too much Arrested Development, but this actually seems like the more natural interpretation to me.

      Jan 12, 2009 at 6:12 pm   rating: 24  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.3   Dina

      I also thought it contained Grandma, in a shout out to the Big Lebowski with that fancy container they got there.

      Jan 12, 2009 at 6:31 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.4   Olivia

      That mason jar really tied the fridge together.

      Jan 12, 2009 at 6:41 pm   rating: 25  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.5   claw71 bang

      It’s clearly a fiber supplement. Old people love to buy in bulk and for some reason they are obsessed with pooping at least five times a day. So they head over to Sam’s Club or Costco and they spring for the 20 year supply of generic Metamucil and triple the dosage. At any rate, keep your hands off the poop powder and steer clear of the bathroom when it’s movement time.

      Jan 12, 2009 at 7:10 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.6   JamieSays

      And don’t touch the damn towels!

      Jan 12, 2009 at 7:34 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.7   Wolverine Girl

      She may have wiped between her legs with them.

      Jan 12, 2009 at 11:41 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.8   Wade bang

      Oooh, Wolverine Girl! That is nasty! And trifling!

      Jan 13, 2009 at 6:16 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.9   Rob T Firefly

      It is their most modestly priced receptacle.

      Jan 13, 2009 at 10:35 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.10   Riiiight...

      I’m glad I’m not the only one who thought the jar contained Grandma. Had to go back and reread the brief up top.

      Jan 13, 2009 at 1:01 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.11   Neeners

      Is the jar half full of grandma or half empty?

      Jan 18, 2009 at 6:07 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   TheOldSchool bang

    She sounds like a real GILF.

    Jan 12, 2009 at 6:06 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #3   umlaut

    I call fake!

    Ashley is David Shrigley and I claim my £5.

    Jan 12, 2009 at 6:14 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

     
  • #4   Dina

    I swear that first Grandma note actually says “You Pie”. As in “Be a good little girl and don’t touch Grandma’s towels. In exchange, she’ll give you some delicious pie!”

    Because there’s no way that anyone’s Grandmother would write death threats in red Sharpie, right?

    I mean, what’s next? In the underwear drawer, a menacing pair of dentures, conspicuously sharpened into fangs?

    Jan 12, 2009 at 6:30 pm   rating: 31  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   Wolverine Girl

      In my opinion, anyone who goes fumbling round in their granny’s undies drawer deserves a well placed set of denture fangs. Being called a pie however, that’s just rude. I think I’d respond by calling her an old tart.

      Jan 12, 2009 at 10:34 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   Mark

    Fake. Looks at the “A” & “D” in each photo.

    Jan 12, 2009 at 6:33 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   amazon

      I believe they come from different submitters.

      Jan 12, 2009 at 7:01 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.2   T.U.M.

      Grandma may have gotten help writing some of her notes, if she was anything like my Grandma in her later years.

      Jan 12, 2009 at 7:09 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   jfruh

    Actually, upon a second look the first note appears to say “Hands off, you! Die” and then some word I can’t read. It may just be “die” again, which would be great, or something menacing in German.

    Jan 12, 2009 at 6:39 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   MoxieHart

      Die Bart Die.
      No one who speaks German can be bad.

      Jan 12, 2009 at 10:29 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.2   alivicwil

      I think it’s an underline

      Jan 12, 2009 at 11:35 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.3   GhostWriter bang

      Didn’t Gramma have trouble with bats in the upstairs bathroom? Maybe the note says, “Hands Off, you Die Fledermaus!”

      Jan 13, 2009 at 10:03 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.4   Corrie

      I would like to point out that this bottom picture is from North Carolina, and should be labeled appropriately.

      Jan 26, 2009 at 6:39 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #7   SarahBelle

    Gross! Look at the bottom shelf of that refrigerator. I think grandma’s got bigger problems than what’s in that jar. Like anything in the fridge.

    Jan 12, 2009 at 6:42 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   Wade bang

      ♫ Everybody doesn’t like something, but nobody doesn’t like Sara Lee! ♫

      Except maybe SarahBelle. ;)

      Jan 13, 2009 at 6:22 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.2   TheOldSchool bang

      Question: How demented does a first-time-father have to be to, after getting his first glimpse of his plump, smiling, healthy baby daughter, decide to name her:

      “Horice”?

      And yet, we still hear do-gooders (and men’s libbers) whinge incessantly about how the castration penalty is too severe for relatively minor infractions such as poor name selecting skills.

      To them, I say:”tell that to Horice. Tell that to SarahBelle.” Then I lower my head, and solemnly: “tell that to Wade….”

      Jan 13, 2009 at 1:21 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #8   Jessica

    Her Grandma would kill her over used towels? And she submits this with laughter? haha…

    Jan 12, 2009 at 6:44 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   MAMARILLA2 bang

      “They’re creepy and they’re kooky, mysterious and spooky, they’re altogether ooky,..”

      Jan 13, 2009 at 3:32 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #9   JamieSays

    I’d keep my hands out of that damn drawer. I bet Grandma booby trapped it with knives and needles.

    Jan 12, 2009 at 6:47 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   claw71 bang

      I bet grandma’s boobies often get trapped in that drawer. That’ll teach her to go wandering around with her flapjacks unsecured.

      Jan 12, 2009 at 7:13 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.2   GhostWriter bang

      One time she held her flapjacks for safety…
      …and trapped her bingo wings.

      Jan 13, 2009 at 9:41 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.3   Curious kitty

      I think she uses rat traps with glued on razor blades….at least, that’s what I use

      Jan 13, 2009 at 2:50 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #10   claw71 bang

    Grandma doesn’t really mind if you use her towels. The issue here is that grandma likes to stash her 14 inch dildo under the towels in that drawer for easy access when reruns of In the Heat of the Night get her all worked up. And you thought she was talking to her cat when she was moaning “Oh, Mr. Tibbs” in the middle of the night.

    And by the way, Ashely, don’t go snooping around in the “stitching” room either. I’m sure Grams doesn’t want you messing with her Sybian (the thing she calls Matlock that sounds like an industrial sewing machine).

    Jan 12, 2009 at 7:04 pm   rating: 21  small thumbs up

     
  • #11   TheOldSchool bang

    Claw,

    I think you’ve nailed her, so to speak.

    I’ve got a question regarding the film reference.

    Who makes granny the most moist: Sidney Poitier orRod Steiger?

    I’ll take it on faith that you weren’t referring to Carroll O’Connor, the star of the network series which aired from 1988 to 1995.

    Granny was freaky, but if she were the type to get hot for C O’C, I’m sure she would have been living in a facility with around the clock psychiatric care, soft walls, and paper slippers.

    Jan 12, 2009 at 7:25 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #12   Canthz_B bang

    “Honey, we need to visit your parents. We’re down to our last jar of Grandma!”

    Jan 12, 2009 at 7:48 pm   rating: 22  small thumbs up

     
  • #13   Canthz_B bang

    This picture is really making me crave a Grandma and jelly sandwich on Sara Lee bread, and an ice cold glass of milk!

    Jan 12, 2009 at 7:50 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

     
  • #14   Canthz_B bang

    It would be better to keep Granny in the freezer.
    She’d last much longer and it’s way cheaper than those cryogenics people were going to charge.

    Jan 12, 2009 at 7:52 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   Canthz_B bang

      I mean “cryonics”…slip of the fingers! ;-)

      Jan 12, 2009 at 9:23 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #15   Troy McClure bang

    Isn’t the accepted formula to juxtapose the thing you’re not supposed to do with the threat? It’s not “hands offa my car I breaka you face.”

    Jan 12, 2009 at 8:16 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   Wade bang

      I noticed that in the first note, Troy. It could have been solved by using the conjunction “or”. As written, it looks like keeping your hands off will lead to death.

      Jan 12, 2009 at 8:34 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.2   Troy McClure bang

      I suppose it could, if you were about to do electrical work or rock-climbing. Dry hands are safe hands.

      Jan 12, 2009 at 8:45 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #16   thatguy bang

    Ashley’s granny rocks!

    Jan 12, 2009 at 8:37 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #17   blueangels7901 bang

    Whatever was in Grandma’s jar was delicious- kinda like Ovaltine meets Yoohoo. I wiped my hands and mouth with her towels, too. Muahahahaha!

    Jan 12, 2009 at 9:33 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #18   Canthz_B bang

    Grandma has been slightly testy since that nasty business with Mr. Wolf.

    Jan 12, 2009 at 9:41 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

     
  • #19   MoxieHart

    Hands off or no more Werther’s Originals for you.

    Jan 12, 2009 at 10:31 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

     
  • #20   aaa

    Who the fuck eats powdered dog shit? Then again, I really shouldn’t ask, should I?

    Jan 12, 2009 at 10:51 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #21   Jennie

    Grandma needs some Xanax mixed into that powder, apparently.

    Jan 12, 2009 at 10:58 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #21.1   Canthz_B bang

      We should cut Granny some slack. I’d be crotchety too, if my kids bought me a house in the middle of nowhere (over the river and through the woods).

      Jan 12, 2009 at 11:11 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #22   Canthz_B bang

    Ashley doesn’t have a “grandmother”.
    That death threat could only have come from a “Big Mama”!

    Jan 12, 2009 at 11:15 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #22.1   The Commish

      If she was a Big Mama, I don’t think a note would have been necessary; a flying shoe to the head would have done the trick.

      Jan 13, 2009 at 4:08 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #23   Samantha

    I would have written “NURSING HOME” on the first one

    just a suggestion

    Jan 13, 2009 at 12:46 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

     
  • #24   HorribleLicensePlates

    Because its worth killing a child over a used towel. Crazy grandma.

    Jan 13, 2009 at 8:19 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #25   The Office Scribe

    My grandmother just would have written: Touch my towels and you are out of the will.

    Mostly because she kicks me out of the will a couple times a month. I am going to her house for dinner tonight and when I beat her at Spades, she will kick me out again.

    Jan 13, 2009 at 9:18 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

     
  • #26   GhostWriter bang

    “Remember last time we made gunpowder? We hid it in a mason jar in the back of the fridge, but Grandma still found it, thought it was cinnamon, and stirred it into her morning glass of Jogging-In-A-Jug. Then she blew up the downstairs toilet and sported a stiffy all day from the saltpeter.”

    “Well this time remember to make a label!”

    Jan 13, 2009 at 9:54 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #27   Bunnee

    Both of these notes kind of shatter the traditional image of a sweet, loving granny, who rocks in her chair and knits scarves all day while watching “Lawrence Welk”.

    Jan 13, 2009 at 10:14 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #28   TheOldSchool bang

    After spending the night in tantric contemplation, I have unlocked the secret to this mystery.

    PAN has been duped.

    Ashley isn’t the grand-daughter of this kindly old woman.

    ASHLEY IS A SQUATTER.

    I’ve seen her type before. These sick degenerates worm their way into the homes of the elderly (always under false pretenses) and then, once they’re convinced that the victim is a worthy “mark” (i.e., feeble-minded and living alone), they go to “work.”

    First, they befriend the target and get her to believe that they’re from “the agency.”

    Next, they tell the victim’s neighbors and former gambling companions (bingo, texas hold ‘em, mutual funds, REITs) that they’re related.

    To establish legitimacy under the law, they surreptitiously concoct surrealist-based evidence of their “grandma’s” insanity, take digital photographs, and then send these photos to well-intentioned, but recklessly credulous, web sites like PAN.

    My guess is that Ashley had “grandma” committed within hours of this PAN posting.

    By 9:00 this morning, we can be certain, “grandma’s” condo will have been gutted, and all of her financial assets will have been transferred to an account in the Cayman Islands.

    By 10:00, a middle-aged divorcee with a frozen smile and a leased Mercedes will be showing the condo to a retired school teacher who likes bingo and one-armed bandits.

    A year or so from now, PAN will post a couple of photos from the school teacher’s niece that provide conclusive proof that the former teacher has gone ’round the bend.

    Well done, Pan.

    What is your cut?

    Jan 13, 2009 at 12:03 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

     
  • #29   Andy

    Everyone is assuming that the first note is referring to the towels in the drawer. I suspect there’s a fat sack of weed obscured by and the subject of that note. I know I keep mine in the towel drawer!

    Even still – puff, puff, pass, Granny!

    Jan 13, 2009 at 12:09 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #29.1   Bunnee

      It does wonders for her “glaucoma”! Now, she can actually SEE to write these notes! (Plus, she keeps a LOT more Butterscotch LifeSavers on hand)

      Jan 13, 2009 at 12:48 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.2   TheOldSchool bang

      Andy, one should never assume what everybody is assuming.*

      *Unless , of course, you’re on a game show where that is the objective.

      Or you’ve got an epic get-rich-quick scam baking in the oven.

      Or you’re stoned, sitting in the woods, alone with your thoughts, wondering what it is that “forest cows” think about all day. Then, when you realize that your brain isn’t capable of imagining the real thoughts of a forest cow, you rip a hunk of magic bark off an ancient tree and begin to chew it more slowly than you’ve ever chewed anything. Nightfall comes. You can’t see anything except for what you imagine. Forest cows with the heads of the hosts of old fashioned game shows….Wink Martindale…. Monte Hall……The Truth Or Consequences guy….. Chuck Barris…. They look normal with the bodies of forest cows…..You wish you had studied harder in imagination class. What the hell did you do with the trail mix? This bark tastes gross. Phtuhaw…

      Jan 13, 2009 at 1:48 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.3   Andy

      TOS, you’re whacky, I like you, and you have to put me in contact with your supplier!

      My current stash usually, and unfortunately, makes me rather stereotypically lethargic akin to those lifeless blobs portrayed on anti-drug commercials. Post-Chong, the effort necessary for a trip to the forest seems like that required to complete a marathon. A beer, a bag of salty snacks, and passing out to Planet Earth is about as close as I come to being one with nature.

      Jan 13, 2009 at 2:00 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #30   Goldie

    Does this look like an old woman’s handwriting? “Grandma”, my ass. The wolf wrote both notes. The jar? that’s Grandma leftovers. The wolf is on Weightwatchers so he couldn’t finish all Grandma in one sitting… she was thirty points over his daily allowance.
    Whatever you do, Ashley, do not say “Oh Grandma, what big towels you have!” These will be your last words.

    Jan 13, 2009 at 1:14 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #30.1   Jessica

      I guess Goldilocks would know. It’s Goldie for short right?

      Jan 13, 2009 at 2:32 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #31   Olson

    To the first note, I would have HAD to write my own note:
    “You first Grandma”
    …and I also thought about possible boobie traps in the towel drawer, but nothing sharp and pointy. I think Grandma is more crafty, like she would rub jalapeno peppers on her towels so that when you use them she will definitely know.

    Jan 13, 2009 at 1:43 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #32   swordofsutekh bang

    I’ve seen these kinds of notes, but I had not realized this website existed at time or I would have submitted every last one of them.

    I love this kind of stuff. I used to visit a website that was nothing but notes that people had found, but I can’t remember the web address anymore. There was one for pictures, too. Any ideas?

    Jan 13, 2009 at 2:44 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #32.1   TheOldSchool bang

      I believe it’s: YouPorn.com.

      People find the most whimsical things.

      Jan 13, 2009 at 4:14 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #32.2   swordofsutekh bang

      That doesn’t sound right, but I better check to make certain.

      Jan 14, 2009 at 8:03 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #33   Kansas girl

    It’s one thing to leave a note when you don’t know who did whatever you have a beef about, but here, Grandma does know. So why wouldn’t she just talk to Ashley directly and ask her not to use the towels? Why write a… oh wait. Forgot what site I was on for a sec.

    (But I still wonder.)

    Jan 13, 2009 at 5:06 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #34   Rebecca

    Can I have your Grandma?

    Jan 13, 2009 at 8:26 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #35   Olson

    OMG…I just figured this out. In response to the threatening note in the towel drawer, Ashley decided to confront Grandma. An altercation ensued. Grandma was accidentally killed, so Ashley had to hide the evidence. Her twisted method of doing this was to cremate Grandma and put her in the fridge with the “Grandma” “Do Not Eat” label, which is perfect logic. Nobody has the gall to mess with a container with Grandma’s name on it because she’s already threatened murder over something as simple as towels. Therefore, no one will ever investigate what might be in the container. (In her twisted mind, I’m sure Ashley considered it the perfect ironic joke to put Grandma in the “Grandma” labelled container.)

    Jan 14, 2009 at 10:00 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #36   whitney

    That fiber powder was fucking delicious.

    Jan 14, 2009 at 2:29 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #37   Tabayag

    If Grandma is in the jar, does that mean that Sparky didn’t REALLY go to the nice family farm!?!?!

    Jan 15, 2009 at 9:31 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #38   Jodi

    What? Grandma died?!?!??

    Jan 15, 2009 at 10:53 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #39   Josh D

    At first I thought the mason jar was Ashley’s stash.

    I can’t use your towels… no moonshine for Grandma.

    Jan 19, 2009 at 12:44 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #40   Al Williams

    It looks like yeast (for beer) in the mason jar, in case anyone was wondering.

    Jan 28, 2009 at 4:39 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #40.1   Mark bang

      It looks like dried beer yeast or dried bread yeast. That would be an awful lot of dried beer yeast, though. I’ve never seen dried beer yeast sold in anything except for 7 or 14 gram packets, there would be no reason to move them all into a mason jar. Dried bread yeast, however, is commonly sold in pound quantities at restaurant stores. And it would be somewhat more likely for a Grandma to have bread yeast than beer yeast. (no, they’re not really the same thing).

      Jan 28, 2009 at 5:44 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #41   Granny doesn’t mess around | PassiveAggressiveNotes.com

    [...] to the editor” page entertaining, Charity in Westfield, Wisconsin says the “grumpy old crank” routine isn’t quite as amusing when you have to live with one of [...]

    Aug 18, 2011 at 7:20 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     

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