Trained to eat things that would make a billy goat puke

January 15th, 2009 · 182 comments

Dale in El Segundo, California has the thankless job of ordering office supplies, coffee and whatnot for the cube-farm where he works. Really, really thankless. This note appeared on his desk one day attached to a packet of no-sugar-added hot chocolate.

Seriously Dale, Did you think this would get past me? Sugarless Hot Chocolate will not work. Dan "When your [sic] pushed, killing is as easy as breathing" - Rambo

related: refrain/stop/discontinue

FILED UNDER: and that's an order · beverages · California · cocoa · not-so-veiled threats · office


182 responses so far ↓

  • #1   john

    wtF

    Jan 15, 2009 at 6:07 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   hall monitor

      Thank god Rambo was able to find work after being mistreated by so many small town sheriffs.

      Jan 17, 2009 at 2:56 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.2   Sirius bang

      Rambo had considered making a living by repeatedly and indiscriminately puking the name of his website on unrelated discussion boards, but quickly realized that would be the coolness equivalent of, say, telemarketer or child pornographer.

      Jan 17, 2009 at 7:48 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   MoxieHart

    That’s why Rambo has the dia-bee-tus.

    Jan 15, 2009 at 6:09 pm   rating: 44  small thumbs up

     
  • #3   Paradox

    Um…. can’t you just add sugar? Like, from a sugar packet?

    Jan 15, 2009 at 6:09 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   aobobo

      not that anyone is siding with dan…

      but for the record “sugar free” usually means there’s an artificial sweetner instead, so adding sugar wouldn’t get rid of gross nutra flavor

      Jan 15, 2009 at 7:34 pm   rating: 28  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.2   TheOldSchool

      Add sugar?

      Earth to Paradox: “Um………Hello……Dan’s not gay.”

      Jan 15, 2009 at 7:40 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   JamieSays

    Hot chocolate is serious business.

    Jan 15, 2009 at 6:26 pm   rating: 34  small thumbs up

     
  • #5   Troy McClure bang

    Yeah. Dan’s all about sweetness.

    Jan 15, 2009 at 6:27 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   mamason bang

      Although chocolate sans sugar is very bitter. Very bitter indeed.

      Jan 15, 2009 at 11:17 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.2   TheOldSchool

      Veuillez ne pas me dire que non un de vous les bâtards fous a jamais entendu parler du chocolat artificiellement adouci ? Vous devez sortir davantage.

      Jan 15, 2009 at 11:28 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.3   NutraSweet Muncher

      You sound like a dog with peanut butter stuck to the top of his mouth.

      Jan 16, 2009 at 11:39 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   jfruh

    It appears that Dan signed his name, then realized that he had the perfect Rambo quote to put in there, but misplaced the original pen he had first wrote the note with, so he had to use a red one. I’m not sure if that adds or deducts points.

    Jan 15, 2009 at 6:31 pm   rating: 47  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   TheOldSchool

      Knowing Dan, I doubt if the Rambo quote was written in ink. He’d use human blood.

      Jan 15, 2009 at 7:35 pm   rating: 19  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.2   JoelWhy

      Yes, Dale’s human blood, to be exact.

      Jan 15, 2009 at 8:00 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.3   Woman on the Verge bang

      Dan has multiple personalities. Rambo is the aggressive one… Just wait until the Hannibal Lector alter takes over. Dale will be served up for dessert – and it won’t be sugar-free.

      Jan 16, 2009 at 8:02 am   rating: 17  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.4   Ti O bang

      Dan used to have a pocket protector filled with various instruments of inky artistry. Now he relies on his trusty BiC four color pen to make his PAN statement.

      Jan 16, 2009 at 1:13 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.5   LisaHedd

      I was fervently hoping that the Rambo quote was Dale’s response to Dan…

      Jan 22, 2009 at 1:52 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #7   chekur

    Is it the wrong time to tell Dan he’s getting laid off?

    Jan 15, 2009 at 6:31 pm   rating: 22  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   Sirius bang

      Sugarless hot chocolate will not work – and neither will you, Dan

      Jan 15, 2009 at 6:57 pm   rating: 62  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.2   TheOldSchool

      I’d wait until the moment Dan sees the new shipment of hot chocolate with sugar arriving.

      Jan 15, 2009 at 7:51 pm   rating: 19  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #8   anglophile bang

    Serlously, Dale. Just order the guy some sugar-filled hot chocolate. Walk away from this fight.

    Jan 15, 2009 at 6:32 pm   rating: 22  small thumbs up

     
  • #9   jessie

    “Did you think this wouldn’t get past me?”

    Is he the gatekeeper to the cocoa now?

    Jan 15, 2009 at 6:35 pm   rating: 57  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   Mark bang

      He is the Keymaster to the Dominion of Gozer. Not the Gatekeeper to the Dominion of SwissMiss.

      Jan 15, 2009 at 6:38 pm   rating: 42  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.2   chekur

      There is no Dan, there is only Zuul.

      Jan 15, 2009 at 6:38 pm   rating: 23  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.3   JamieSays

      Don’t open the fridge, for Christ’s sake, don’t open that fridge!

      Jan 15, 2009 at 6:40 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.4   chekur

      And for the love of all that is holy, don’t THINK of anything that -

      Damn.

      Well, at least the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man will make the hot chocolate more delicious.

      Jan 15, 2009 at 6:44 pm   rating: 47  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.5   Olivia

      What Dale didn’t tell us is that he works for Hershey’s.

      Jan 15, 2009 at 11:04 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.6   tinkerbell2

      is it just me or does ‘gatekeeper to the cocoa’ sound kind of dirty?

      Just me? Oh.

      Jan 16, 2009 at 7:53 am   rating: 17  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.7   Ti O bang

      He is hearing voices from the fridge and when he opened it he saw flames.

      Jan 16, 2009 at 1:19 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.8   Juliet

      The’ Ghostbusters’ references were quite excellent. Kudos to all involved!

      Jan 18, 2009 at 5:56 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.9   TheOldSchool

      Juliet, not one of the posters above knows anything about ‘Ghostbusters.’

      Each of them has been blogging in real-time about his or her daily hangover.

      Jan 18, 2009 at 11:53 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #10   TygerAKC bang

    Dude, add enough marshmallos or whipped cream and it shouldn’t matter! Besides, you should be thankful the office provides you with hot chocolate to begin with!

    Jan 15, 2009 at 6:38 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   aaa

      With shit like this, no amount of marshmallow or cool whip will cover up the taste of Satan’s ass. But moderately intelligent people buy their own fucking hot chocolate. Really smart people stay the fuck away from that nasty powdered shit and use actual chocolate.

      Jan 15, 2009 at 11:38 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.2   spike

      Amen, aaa!

      Jan 16, 2009 at 4:00 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #11   Mishee bang

    Funny… last I checked an employer wasn’t required to provide you with anything extra, they just do so for better functioning and happier employees.

    If they want to give you sugar free cocoa, then oh fucking well! Take it! I never bitched at the hoity toity company I used to work at that all they had was organic rabbit food as free snacks… that’s their choice and their money… and I either take it or leave it.

    Gift Horse meet mouth.

    Jan 15, 2009 at 6:40 pm   rating: 68  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   chekur

      Was the organic rabbit food in pellet form?

      Jan 15, 2009 at 6:45 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.2   Mishee bang

      Some of it looked like it.

      and Pita Chips… WTF?

      Jan 15, 2009 at 6:47 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.3   mamason bang

      “Was the organic rabbit food in pellet form?”

      By the next day it was.

      Jan 15, 2009 at 11:54 pm   rating: 19  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.4   Sue Do Nim

      Weren’t they PETA chips, Mishee?

      Jan 16, 2009 at 12:51 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.5   Phalange

      How dare you mock pita chips? I challenge you to find a chip with better structural dipping integrity!!!

      Jan 16, 2009 at 7:59 am   rating: 19  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.6   wicked opinion

      Team Down With Entitlement Complex People – Yes, I know that title is awkward but find me a short, snarky way to say “people who think everything they want should be handed to them FOR FREE by lesser mammals while being heralded in song and having their nails done”. Seriously, WTF is wrong with this asshat? It’s FREE, you douche. Take it or leave it. If poor Dale had ordered the sugar-laden kind, he would have had all the skinny Splenda bitches after him, too. He couldn’t win so he made the smart choice. Those girls are SCARY about their Splenda.

      Jan 16, 2009 at 12:37 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.7   morpho aurora bang

      wicked o – short snarky title = cunts
      :)

      Jan 16, 2009 at 12:44 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.8   Nit Picker

      I don’t think the gift horse meets any mouth. The gift hourse has a mouth, which is examined before reciept of the gift is accepted, thus indicating ingratitude.

      Jan 16, 2009 at 3:48 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.9   Mishee bang

      STFU

      and learn to spell horse right the second time.

      Jan 16, 2009 at 3:59 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.10   aaa

      Is “hourse” the new fancy British spelling that smart-alec dicks on the internet like to use?

      Jan 16, 2009 at 4:22 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.11   CorniceCrumpet

      That is akshully the spelling preferred by smart alec cunts on da interwebs aaa.

      Jan 16, 2009 at 4:33 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.12   TheOldSchool

      I never like it when people pile on someone when he or she is down, unless I’m one of the last ones to join in.

      Nit Picker: you spelled “receipt” wrong, too.

      Ha ha ha! Nit Picker! I can’t believe your spelling! Maybe you should change your name to “Nose Picker!”

      Seriously, you should, especially in light of your latest faux pas. You owe us.

      Jan 16, 2009 at 6:59 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.13   Canthz_B bang

      Hoisted by your own petard, Nit Picker.

      Jan 16, 2009 at 9:47 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.14   agatha christie

      CB, I wish that phrase was used more frequently.

      Jan 18, 2009 at 5:03 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.15   Canthz_B bang

      It is a little gem, isn’t it?! :-)

      Jan 18, 2009 at 5:23 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.16   RP

      I like the term “Entitlement Whore”.

      Jan 20, 2009 at 1:08 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #12   chekur

    I should get with Dan. At least there’s SOMEONE out there who takes hot chocolate seriously.

    Jan 15, 2009 at 6:41 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #13   VB

    Doesn’t it seem like Dan’s had enough sugar already?

    Jan 15, 2009 at 6:47 pm   rating: 39  small thumbs up

     
  • #14   Mishee bang

    *sitting tight*

    Jan 15, 2009 at 6:48 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   Saysh bang

      Are you just waiting for it?

      Jan 15, 2009 at 8:25 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.2   TheOldSchool

      I think it’s running late.

      Jan 15, 2009 at 9:28 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.3   RandyinReno

      Who would say it??

      Jan 15, 2009 at 9:33 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.4   Canthz_B bang

      It won’t be me!!

      Jan 15, 2009 at 10:45 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.5   TheOldSchool

      Draw straws? Can’t! Forgot my crayons. Dang.

      Jan 15, 2009 at 11:19 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.6   mamason bang

      All this waiting is… suspenseful. :mrgreen:

      Jan 15, 2009 at 11:56 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.7   Saysh bang

      Who will be the one to break?

      It’s kind of exciting.

      Jan 16, 2009 at 12:18 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.8   Canthz_B bang

      $50 says it’ll be a noobie.

      Or an asshole. :???:

      Jan 16, 2009 at 12:21 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.9   mamason bang

      I really want to say it! Does just having the urge make me an asshole?

      Jan 16, 2009 at 12:23 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.10   Saysh bang

      No, not really.

      I kind of want to say it too. It’s that whole elephant in the middle of the room syndrome.

      Jan 16, 2009 at 12:51 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.11   TheOldSchool

      still waiting…………..yawn……….

      Jan 16, 2009 at 1:14 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.12   AuntyBron

      Well, I WOULD say that it’s fucking Delicious but I’d be lying. Have you ever tasted that shit? I make my hot chocolate with milk and chocolate and cinnamon.

      Jan 16, 2009 at 1:18 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.13   TheOldSchool

      “sitting tight” sounds rigid, but “sweet ‘n’ tight” sounds comfy and cozy.

      Jan 16, 2009 at 1:26 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.14   Canthz_B bang

      SCORE!!!

      AUNTYBRAUN FUCKS UP THE WET DREAM!!!!!…

      …and costs me fifty bucks (maybe $25, it wasn’t a noob). ;-)

      TELL HER WHAT SHE WINS ALEX

      Jan 16, 2009 at 2:14 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.15   Woman on the Verge bang

      Wait for it…..

      Wait for it….

      C’mon, you know what she won, and it’s been awhile since anyone had to…

      Jan 16, 2009 at 8:05 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.16   Canthz_B bang

      Don the…

      Jan 16, 2009 at 8:09 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.17   Mishee bang

      wow. and I was just *sitting tight* for kerry to post my submission.

      it was my form of nonviolent protest for the weak note.

      but fucking delicious works too.

      Jan 16, 2009 at 8:59 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.18   GhostWriter bang

      I thought we were sitting tight for:

      Step 1: Switch to sugarless cocoa.
      Step 2: ?????
      Step 3: Profit!

      …we weren’t?

      Jan 16, 2009 at 10:05 am   rating: 17  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.19   TheOldSchool

      can we stop sitting tight, at least?

      Jan 16, 2009 at 1:42 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.20   TheOldSchool

      butt cheeks numb = brain frozen + I kinda hafta pee

      Jan 16, 2009 at 1:45 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.21   Mishee bang

      TOS – I’ve been *sitting tight* for weeks.

      Maybe I need more bran.

      Jan 16, 2009 at 1:48 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.22   TheOldSchool

      I don’t have any bran, but someone calling himself: “Dan’sLilSubBitch” just sold me a carton of f hot chocolate on eBay.

      (I’m sending it back, though, because I like the kind with sugar-added. How he thought he could slip this past me, I’ll never know. Fucking eBay!)

      Jan 16, 2009 at 3:13 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.23   Mishee bang

      At least you didn’t buy from WHITEBLIZZARD70.

      Jan 16, 2009 at 3:19 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.24   RandyinReno

      So, CB; is AUNTYBRAUN a newbie, or an…?

      $50 says it’ll be a noobie.

      Or an asshole. :???:

      Jan 16, 2009 at 6:06 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.25   Canthz_B bang

      Well, she’s no noob…

      Flow chart seems pretty simple.

      Jan 16, 2009 at 11:15 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #15   Sirius bang

    When you’re pushed, falling on your sugar-addicted butt is harder than getting back up again

    Jan 15, 2009 at 7:00 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #16   blueangels7901 bang

    Well, at least Dale’s looking out for everyone’s health. Dale should be the next Surgeon General! As for Dan, he may want to lay off the caffeine, too. Think Prozac or Zoloft, lightly sprinkled, would take the place of sugar and make Dan less likely to use Rambo as an inspiration for his violent alter-ego?

    Jan 15, 2009 at 7:23 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #17   TheOldSchool

    I’d like to think the Rambo character said, “When YOU’RE pushed….” But, given the fact that he was played by Sylvester Stallone, Dan is probably quoting accurately.

    Jan 15, 2009 at 7:28 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

     
  • #18   Melissa

    I bet Dan also says “Hey, I have a present for you!” when he wants the receptionist to throw away his trash.

    Jan 15, 2009 at 7:42 pm   rating: 32  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   Bunnee

      Either that, or “File that in File 13!” :roll:

      Jan 16, 2009 at 10:07 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.2   TheOldSchool

      Or, “Here’s some more Dan souvenirs for you to sell on eBay. Money orders or certified checks, ONLY!”

      Jan 16, 2009 at 3:18 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #19   Dina

    Clearly, Dale was trying really hard to conceal this trickery from the whole office…by placing the clearly marked hot chocolate in plain sight for anyone who wants to use some.

    Sneaky sneaky!

    Jan 15, 2009 at 7:58 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #20   se

    Don’t be that asshole who tries to decide what other people should drink.
    Buy both kinds of hot chocolate. Replace more of whichever runs out first.

    Team Dan

    Jan 15, 2009 at 8:05 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #20.1   tinkerbell2

      Seriously? But Dale *is* that guy, they’re making him do it. How do you know they gave him the budget to buy both kinds? I bet he has some skinny snarky little bitch in his other ear telling him sugared chocolate and full-fat milk contravene her civil liberties. Team Dale – it was a funny note!

      Just saw similar comment at #35. Oops.

      Jan 16, 2009 at 8:00 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.2   Jess

      Uh, no. No one is forcing him to drink the free hot chocolate. Bitching about it is what makes companies stop offering freebies.

      Jan 16, 2009 at 10:39 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.3   TheOldSchool

      Kinda looks to me like SE’s got another troll.

      Dear, oh dear, oh dear, oh dear…..

      Jan 16, 2009 at 11:28 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #21   TheOldSchool

    I’ll bet there’s a force field of sexual tension that powerfully radiates from Dale’s desk whenever Dan comes by with one of his sweet ‘n’ sour notes.

    I’m guessing they work at “Pup Tent City.”

    Jan 15, 2009 at 8:16 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #22   ...

    seriously dude,
    did you think this would get past me? your=/=you’re will not work

    Jan 15, 2009 at 8:29 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

     
  • #23   Canthz_B bang

    If sugarless hot chocolate will not work, then sugarless hot chocolate will not eat!

    Jan 15, 2009 at 8:32 pm   rating: 22  small thumbs up

    • #23.1   Saysh bang

      *snicker*

      Jan 15, 2009 at 11:13 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.2   mamason bang

      mmmmmm… I love snickers.

      Jan 15, 2009 at 11:23 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.3   Saysh bang

      And I Love YOU!

      (in that delicious and very sugar filled dirty lezzie kind of way)

      Jan 15, 2009 at 11:32 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.4   Canthz_B bang

      *threesome?

      Hot chocolate ladies?

      It’s on me…so you’ll have to lick…

      It’s the sugar-free kind, but if you lick just right you can add “cream”! ;-)

      Jan 15, 2009 at 11:36 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.5   mamason bang

      mmmmm… dirty lezzies.

      I love you too, Saysh! ♥

      CB, you’re being too subtle. Just what are you implying? :lol:

      *And we are talking snickers, here. If we didn’t want nuts, we’d have a milky way instead.*

      Jan 16, 2009 at 12:02 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.6   Saysh bang

      MMMM

      HOT! Chocolate AND sugary sweet Mama!!

      Yes, please count me in…

      Jan 16, 2009 at 12:06 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.7   Canthz_B bang

      I have nuts and a good job…I’m a Payday (wrapped in chocolate), so check your calendars beforehand unless you want Baby Ruth! :-P

      *nougat*

      Jan 16, 2009 at 12:13 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.8   mamason bang

      ♫ “Is you is, or is you ain’t my baby?” ♫

      Jan 16, 2009 at 12:27 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.9   Mark bang

      I love Louis Jordan!

      Five Guys Named Moe, FTW!

      Jan 16, 2009 at 12:50 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.10   mrs. pommelhorst

      …did someone mention dirty lezzies???

      Jan 16, 2009 at 2:59 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.11   Mishee bang

      did I hear my name?

      Jan 16, 2009 at 3:25 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #24   Whistlin'Dixie

    I’m reasonably sure that Rambo would not drink something as pussified as hot chocolate. Dan should have quoted someone a little more milquetoasty in its defense. On the other hand, if Dale had gone so far as to replace the office tequila with Sunny D, then Rambo would definitely be in order.

    Jan 15, 2009 at 9:02 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

    • #24.1   aaa

      Hot chocolate made from actual dark chocolate and actual milk is pretty fucking masculine. I mean, if dark chocolate wasn’t manly, Men’s Pocky wouldn’t be made with it, right?

      Jan 15, 2009 at 10:24 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #25   TheOldSchool

    Why is Dan even involving Dale in this? Where’s the company barista?

    Jan 15, 2009 at 9:35 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #26   Canthz_B bang

    “Did you think this would set pus & me?”

    I know sugarless hot chocolate isn’t a good make-up gift. Maybe if you gave your girl a better nickname than “pus” she’d forgive you.

    Jan 15, 2009 at 9:42 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #27   LaHerbert bang

    Dan must be a real sugar-daddy.

    Jan 15, 2009 at 10:12 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #27.1   aaa

      puns = fail

      >:c

      Jan 15, 2009 at 10:29 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.2   TheOldSchool

      Bonsoir, M. LaHerbert. Votre calembour était correct. Votre nom est intrigant. Comment prenez-vous votre chocolat chaud ? Avec du sucre, ou en dehors ?

      Jan 15, 2009 at 11:14 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.3   mamason bang

      But I love the puns!

      TOS, I don’t know what you said but it sher do sound purty.

      Jan 15, 2009 at 11:27 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.4   JamieSays

      I had to translate it online and it said something to the tune of “Your pun was correct. Do you prefer hot chocolate with or without sugar?”. Could be wrong, but I was curious.

      Jan 15, 2009 at 11:31 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.5   TheOldSchool

      JamieSays: Close. I meant to tell LaHerbert that I thought his pun was OK.

      Mamason, not the way I speak it.

      Jan 15, 2009 at 11:44 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #28   aaa

    Y’know, it’d be really funny if Dale sent this to some authoritative figure like, y’know, the police, because it’s common knowledge that employees who “joke” about blowing away the office usually aren’t joking. And by funny, I mean fucking creepy ‘cuz disgruntled office psychos aren’t fucking funny.

    Jan 15, 2009 at 10:20 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #28.1   Canthz_B bang

      Usually, they aren’t fucking anyone.

      Jan 15, 2009 at 10:48 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

       
    • #28.2   TheOldSchool

      aaa, I’m not an expert on disgruntled office psychos, and I agree that what they DO isn’t funny, but, surely some of them had, at some point in their lives, managed to come up with their share of bon mots, one-liners, zingers, and snappy come-backs.

      I’m not suggesting these nuts were walking-talking laff-riots, but there must have been more nuance to their lives than just sitting around seething, 24/7 . That would be enough to make someone go berserk, wouldn’t it?

      Jan 15, 2009 at 11:06 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #28.3   Canthz_B bang

      I think everyone gets a good chuckle out of seeing the District Manager have his face blown off.
      It’s when the office psycho gets pee-ons in his gun-sights that things turn tragic.

      Jan 15, 2009 at 11:14 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #28.4   aaa

      Actual psychotic intentions aside, usually people who try to be witty and clever with jokes like this are just unfunny. We all remember Kerry’s neighbors with the satan baby and the oh-so-ironic Liza, don’t we?

      So ah, yeah, Dan, even if you don’t want to kill us all, YOU’RE NOT FUNNY. Just so you know.

      Jan 15, 2009 at 11:35 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #28.5   Saysh bang

      Now CB.. you know that even psychos don’t participate in water sports in the office…

      Not to mention that pee usually screws up the sights on your gun

      Jan 15, 2009 at 11:35 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #28.6   Canthz_B bang

      *insert golden shower joke here*

      Jan 15, 2009 at 11:44 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #28.7   TheOldSchool

      Ahem….. Focus, people. We’re discussing hot chocolate, not lemonade.

      Now, who in the class knows why the late Merv Griffin was so fond of Clark Bars?

      Raise your hands.

      Jan 16, 2009 at 3:25 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #29   Olivia

    “So if you could go ahead and try to remember to get sugar-added hot chocolate from now on, that’d be greeeeeaaat.”

    Jan 15, 2009 at 11:07 pm   rating: 19  small thumbs up

    • #29.1   JamieSays

      Sugarless hot chocolate?!? What the fuck does that mean?

      Jan 15, 2009 at 11:19 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.2   anglophile bang

      Um, yeah, I’m going to need you to go ahead and come in on Saturday and order some other hot chocolate.

      Jan 16, 2009 at 5:18 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.3   Ti O bang

      If they don’t get the right kind of hot chocolate I am going to burn the building down.

      Jan 17, 2009 at 3:47 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.4   Wade bang

      Excuse me, I believe you have my sugary hot chocolate.

      Jan 17, 2009 at 8:58 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.5   mamason bang

      Yeah! I gotch’ur sugary hot chocolate right here! ;-)

      Jan 17, 2009 at 9:44 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #30   Flaboy2425

    Dan would have to work opening the sugar packet. I suspect the one thing Dan dosen’t do is productive work. He’s too busy complaining and writing post-it notes.

    Jan 15, 2009 at 11:42 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #31   mamason bang

    Can’t you just see Dan? He’s probably a good 350 with thick dark rimmed glasses. His round pimply face always a little flushed. He’s constantly out of breath and on the edge. There he was that day, waiting. Waiting for Dale to finally return with the break room supplies. If he could just hold on until then… Imagine the dismay, the horror upon finding the sugarless hot chocolate. Imagine that horror building into rage as Dan’s pink face turns crimson. “Dale! Dale did this to me!” Dan’s thoughts race and tumble as he tries to come to terms with this tragedy. Then, “No! No! I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take this anymore! I’ll leave a note! That’ll teach that bastard Dale that he can’t get one past me!”
    Empowerment. Yes.

    Jan 15, 2009 at 11:46 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #31.1   Canthz_B bang

      I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take this anymore!

      *tosses laptop out of window*

      Jan 15, 2009 at 11:56 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #32   Drexler

    I’m going to start adding adverbs before I address people in writing

    is seriously an adverb?

    Jan 16, 2009 at 3:08 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #32.1   Woman on the Verge bang

      Seriously is most definitely an adverb…. seriously.

      Jan 16, 2009 at 8:23 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #33   spike

    Someone might die over hot chocolate? Some people’s priorities are SO screwed up.

    Jan 16, 2009 at 3:53 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #34   Annette

    I’ve gotta support Dan here. He’s so right. Hot Chocolate without sugar is the same as ice cream without fat. Where’s the fun?

    I’m just surprised that this note came from a guy. For girls it’s clear: YOU DON’T MESS WITH CHOCOLATE (hot or otherwise)

    Jan 16, 2009 at 6:16 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #34.1   Andy

      Girls without fat: where’s the fun?

      A-GREED.

      (I’m a speed reader, and by that I mean I read whatever I want… quickly)

      Jan 16, 2009 at 11:48 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #35   Katzndogz bang

    If Dan wants to take on the 32 Weight Watchers in the office who forced the switch in the first place, he can go right ahead.

    Jan 16, 2009 at 7:21 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #35.1   Phalange

      He better be like Rambo if he tries that shit. Don’t fuck with people on Weight Watchers right after New Year’s resolution time. I almost got my spine torn out, “Mortal Kombat” style, for bringing in donuts for breakfast once instead of fruit.

      Jan 16, 2009 at 8:05 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #35.2   claw71 bang

      I still love David Letterman’s joke on Richard Simmons. He had a dozen pizzas delivered to a studio where Richard was taping an emotional show about whining fatties who wanted to sweat to the oldies.

      Jan 16, 2009 at 8:25 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #35.3   Chantel

      Damn straight… We WW people get cranky watching you all eat cake at all the company functions… Leave our sugar-free hot chocolate in peace!

      Jan 16, 2009 at 7:29 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #36   claw71 bang

    Attica! Attica!

    Jan 16, 2009 at 8:16 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #37   Julie

    Maybe the status of his hot chocolate wouldn’t upset him so much if he washed the sand out of his vagina.

    Jan 16, 2009 at 11:06 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #38   Nix

    Um…making a thinly-veiled death threat in an office over a package of processed artificially-flavored powder is NOT a good idea. If I were Dale, I would have walked that right over to HR (after I made a copy) and told them to deal with it. Completely unacceptable.

    Jan 16, 2009 at 11:43 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #38.1   Andy

      Get the sand out of your vagina.

      Jan 16, 2009 at 11:49 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #38.2   aaa

      Hey man, I already rained on the Dan parade, and I was way less sandginaed about it.

      Jan 16, 2009 at 12:30 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #38.3   TheOldSchool

      aaa,

      You’re certainly ruff ‘n’ ready this morning. I like that in a poster.

      Jan 16, 2009 at 12:58 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #38.4   mamason bang

      For posters I prefer a velvet Elvis.

      Jan 16, 2009 at 1:13 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #38.5   claw71 bang

      I didn’t think we’d find anybody who was more of an asshole than Dan but Nix stepped up to the plate and proved that there’s always some rat-bastard waiting to drag HR into every issue.

      Jan 16, 2009 at 1:35 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #38.6   TheOldSchool

      Claw,

      C’mon man, chill. Some folks are just obsessed with hand relief.

      You might not understand why (since you were named,”claw”), but the practice — if it’s not over-abused — has been shown in studies to reduce office tension.

      Now, maybe you should give Nix a clawshake.

      Jan 16, 2009 at 1:55 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #38.7   aaa

      mamason, I actually have a velvet Elvis. Every day the Velvis tells me to harass dicks on the internet. And, of course, I do what he tells me to do. I mean, how could I not listen to a dude who had such a bitchin sandwich?

      Jan 16, 2009 at 3:52 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #38.8   NFPT

      … and that driftwood stick outta your ass Nix.

      “Whaaa whaaa whaaa he wrote a scary Rambo quote and I peed my Grranimal Dockers!”

      Cry baby.

      Jan 16, 2009 at 4:39 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #38.9   Nix

      What the fuck, man? It’s one thing if there is rapport between these two people and it’s meant as a joke, but as it was presented to PAN, this seems like it’s over the line and could be perceived as a threat…and would be handled as such in many places, again depending on context.

      Then again, I’m responding to idiot internet trolls who had to take it right to the genitalia/anus level to prove their points. Way to put me in my place – I bet your a manager’s dream to deal with.

      Jan 16, 2009 at 9:53 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #38.10   TheOldSchool

      Nix, don’t take it personally. Most of the posters here are drunk. Then again, there is such a thing as “drunken wisdom.” I’d listen, if I were you.

      Jan 16, 2009 at 11:54 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #38.11   aaa

      *sigh* How many times do we have to tell people not to take anything seriously on PAN? Does Kerry really need to put up a disclaimer saying “Humorless dicks need not apply?”

      Jan 18, 2009 at 6:42 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #39   Andy

    OH MY GOD!

    Dan killed a red pen and then wrote with its blood!

    Jan 16, 2009 at 11:52 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #39.1   TheOldSchool

      Hey man,

      Bloody Hell! I’ve already rained blood on Dan’s parade (see: 6.1) , and I was way less sanguineous about it.

      Andy, you’re a ruddy-cheeked scamp! I like you! Now get out there and play ball!

      aaa: thumbs up.

      Jan 16, 2009 at 1:32 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #40   GhostWriter bang

    Dale has been trying to slip Dan some sugar-free Swiss Miss ever since Dan drank some at the Chrismas lunch and started singing spontaneous Karaoke.

    Dan is on to him, as is Dan’s Dwight-like office assistant, who gets a kick out of quoting Rambo sayings at work.

    Jan 16, 2009 at 12:00 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #41   morpho aurora bang

    Seriously Dan
    Do you really think I give a fuck? You and your chihuahua Rambo can kiss my ass.
    lovehugsnkisses
    Dale
    P.S. It’s your fault anyway, everyone is tired of seeing your fat overflowing the sides of your chair. And the vegans on the north side of the office say the smell of bacon is making them ill.

    Jan 16, 2009 at 12:51 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #41.1   TheOldSchool

      M.A.,

      If I were you, I’d check with Dale before I sent Dan that letter. But I’m not, so go ahead and send it.

      Jan 16, 2009 at 1:36 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #42   ssb

    that’s “when YOU’RE pushed…”

    Jan 16, 2009 at 2:08 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #43   TheOldSchool

    When asked to name a species that will eat virtually anything, people tend to answer, “goats.”

    Has anyone at PAN ever seen an obese goat?

    Maybe humans could learn a thing or two from our goat cousins.

    Off the top of my head I can suggest we start with the “garbage diet” and “breast milk cheese.”

    Let’s kick some ideas around. I’m tired of head-butting my head against the wall. Besides, I’m horny again.

    I kid you not!

    Jan 16, 2009 at 7:21 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #43.1   anglophile bang

      The tin cans are hard on the teeth, though.

      Jan 16, 2009 at 10:58 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #43.2   TheOldSchool

      Are you serious about losing weight, or not? Nobody said this plan was easy.

      Jan 16, 2009 at 11:45 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #43.3   julian

      I have seen a fat goat. I didn’t check his BMI or anything to see if he was actually “obese,” but he was certainly rounder than your average goat. And waddled a bit.

      Sorry about all that tin you ate, because I think I just blew that diet out of the water.

      Jan 19, 2009 at 11:23 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #44   Chantel

    What a thing to kill over…

    Jan 16, 2009 at 7:25 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #44.1   TheOldSchool

      I agree. Dan is just SO wrong. It’s sad.

      Dan could have just threatened to break his arms, but, no, not Rambo Dan. It had to be death.

      Instead of “Rambo Dan,” he should be called “Dumbo Dan.”

      Do you think baby penguins should be saved?

      So do I.

      Jan 16, 2009 at 9:41 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #45   lin

    the no-sugar added hot chocolate is actually pretty good.

    it doesn’t have extra sugar added, nor does it have artificial sweetner.

    the sugars from the milk are enough to make it sweet.

    Jan 16, 2009 at 7:28 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #46   JoelWhy

    Hey, where’s my Facebook Friday update? I was tempted to change my profile status to “Joel will not let sugarless hot chocolate get past him!” and submit it just to get my passive aggressive fix:)

    Jan 16, 2009 at 8:20 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #47   Jinx

    After the O O effect wore off, I started to suspect mayhaps Dan and Dale are the same person.

    Jan 17, 2009 at 5:14 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #48   C

    In the description, it says this was “no sugar added” cocoa, and in the PAN it says “sugar-free.” This must be clarified, because there is a HUGE difference. “No sugar added” still has some sugar in it, it just hasn’t had a crapload extra dumped in, and it is a delicious chocolatey treat. “Sugar-free” is nasty crap. If it is in fact “no sugar added,” Dan needs to get off his fat ass, get to the microwave, and try the stuff.

    Jan 17, 2009 at 12:04 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #48.1   TheOldSchool

      Sigh………

      Must we be so quick to judge? For all we know, Dan could be both confined to a wheelchair, and one of the earliest artificial-heart recipients (for whom even the slightest exposure to radiation could prove fatal).

      C, please promise me two things.

      (1) That you’ll at least consider trying to be more sensitive to the special hardships endured by others.

      (2) That you’ll do whatever it takes to transform yourself (from being just another smug, unthinking asshole) into a humble, nonjudgemental humanitarian like me.

      Jan 17, 2009 at 9:22 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #49   Neeners bang

    Wow…………. if Dan has no shame talking to his employer that way after getting a freebie without any fear of getting fired, then I can only imagine what happened at home growing up when he didn’t get his way…….maybe his name is Dan “Menendez” Jagoff!!!!

    Jan 17, 2009 at 2:39 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #50   Neeners bang

    aaa, let me comment on this one, I think you are right (comment 28). I was once shaken down for taking a popsicle from the office freezer after the owner said I could have it. One of the breakroom SS officer lookouts was on me like stink on sh*t…..even after explaining myself over a popsicle, it was an all out f#*cking war that would not die…..Moral: watch your back in the office breakroom …. you never know who is watching you.

    Jan 17, 2009 at 3:23 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #50.1   aaa

      Neeners, let me comment on this one, people who don’t nest need to be beaten with a tree until they do.

      Jan 17, 2009 at 8:06 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #50.2   Canthz_B bang

      PANers don’t nest, birds do.

      We gigglebrax! ;-)

      Jan 17, 2009 at 10:33 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #50.3   aaa

      True true, but non-PANistas often ask “OMG WHUTZ GIGGLBRXNG?” I thought I’d cut out the middleman.

      Jan 18, 2009 at 6:53 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #50.4   Neeners

      Thanx for the tip trip a I’ll write that down in my notebook of things I give a rip about so I don’t forget next time…… by the way what is gigglebrxng? jk (settle down)

      Jan 18, 2009 at 6:22 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #51   tania

    snap!! I’m not the only person on the internets from the tiny hamlet of El Segundo. props, dale!

    Jan 17, 2009 at 6:57 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #51.1   Sue Do Nim

      Ah, El Segundo, where the sewer meets the sea.

      Jan 18, 2009 at 12:48 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #52   kiko

    Dwight Shrute…is that you?????

    Jan 19, 2009 at 11:47 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     

Comments are Closed