Sausage-shaped, but lumpy

January 20th, 2009 · 131 comments

Tom took notice of this “open letter” — a thoughtful missive that clearly merits our collective attention — on a telephone pole in San Francisco.

If we’re really lucky, perhaps this Richard Asshat character will grace us with an open response in the comments, whiteblizzard70-style!

An open letter to the asshat who uses Osgood Place as their own personal shitting grounds

An open letter (close up)

an open letter (close up)

(Note: For your further enrichment, here’s a less faded graphic of the bristol stool scale.)

related: when ph.d.s get angry
extra credit: mcsweeney’s open letters

FILED UNDER: dogs · San Francisco · shit · visual aids


131 responses so far ↓

  • #1   TheOldSchool bang

    I suspect dogs.

    Jan 21, 2009 at 2:03 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   TheOldSchool bang

      Scratch that.

      I suspect the sign poster. Clearly an attention-seeker out to impress everyone with his or her superior stool knowledge.

      Poop freaks love their shitty, faded charts.

      “Speciman this,” and “speciman that.” Sorry, pal, your crappy lingo isn’t going to get you laid.
      Not here. Not now. Not on Osgood Place.

      Jan 21, 2009 at 2:22 am   rating: 18  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.2   mamason bang

      Yeah. Don’t come all up in here talking shit.

      Jan 21, 2009 at 2:23 am   rating: 39  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.3   Canthz_B bang

      I suspect the ghost of Spiro Agnew wrote this note.

      Jan 21, 2009 at 7:54 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.4   Flaboy2425

      Evidently we are dealing with a person who holds a degree in poopology.

      Jan 21, 2009 at 9:21 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   TheOldSchool bang

    Odd that the Bristol Chart makes no mention whatsoever of stools containing small, naturally-sculpted faces speckled throughout.

    And why no mention of color variation?

    Surely, the sign poster could have found a better stool reference resource.

    The Bristol Chart seems hopelessly outdated.

    Once upon a time I held the sign poster in high esteem. NO MORE!

    Jan 21, 2009 at 2:14 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   mamason bang

      But what does it mean if your stool is sausage like and lumpy? Would it be better if it were smooth? I’m calling my doctor.

      Jan 21, 2009 at 2:21 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.2   mamason bang

      And btw, what kind of sausage is stool like and lumpy? I’m calling my butcher.

      Jan 21, 2009 at 2:22 am   rating: 34  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.3   TheOldSchool bang

      Ummm. I think it means that someone has been surreptiously slipping low doses into your drinking water, trying to slowly make the unreal real and the real unreal.

      Can you trust your doctor?

      Jan 21, 2009 at 2:25 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.4   mamason bang

      Surreptiously slipping low doses of what into my drinking water?

      Jan 21, 2009 at 2:29 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.5   TheOldSchool bang

      2.2:

      I suspect you’re thinking of Linguica sausage.

      It’s an uncooked, smoked, Portuguese-type sausage made from coarsely ground pork butts.

      Typically it’s seasoned with garlic, cinnamon, and cumin seeds and then cured in a vinegar pickling liquid before being stuffed into a casing.

      The degree of lumpiness in your is dependent upon on the ratio between the coarseness of your pork butt chunks, vis-a-vis the size of the nozzzle opening on your sausage funnel.

      Common sense, really.

      Jan 21, 2009 at 2:41 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.6   TheOldSchool bang

      2.4.:

      That’s what we need to find out.

      I know of only one doctor I would trust for a task like this: Gregory House. He’s pricey, but he (usually) saves the patient before the show’s over.

      Jan 21, 2009 at 2:45 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.7   Woman on the Verge bang

      And he’s unspeakably hot.

      Sorry, I have a Housecrush. He would be so at home on this forum.

      Jan 21, 2009 at 7:42 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.8   TheOldSchool bang

      2.2: Go on the internets and search for The Google. There you’ll find an abundance of sausage links.

      Jan 21, 2009 at 12:48 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #3   mamason bang

    Wow! This guy is steaming! Much like the mounds of malicious manure.

    Jan 21, 2009 at 2:19 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   Ashley

      Holy. Crap.

      Edit: – Why did post as a response when I posted it as a new comment? Stupid :(

      Jan 21, 2009 at 2:22 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.2   mamason bang

      Shit. I wanted to say holy crap. ;-)

      Jan 21, 2009 at 2:26 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.3   TheOldSchool bang

      3.1.:

      Have you been drinking out of the same glass as mamason? If so, we might have an epidemic on our hands.

      Someone call the team from Fringe. NOW!

      Jan 21, 2009 at 2:49 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.4   EchoEcole

      Too many SlimJims can cause diarrhea of the keyboard.

      Jan 21, 2009 at 9:46 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   Quite Contrary

    So, wait. Is it an asshat (which I thought was a human type) or a dog (an animal type) that is using Osgood Place as their own personal shitting grounds?

    Jan 21, 2009 at 2:22 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #5   Quite Contrary

    “Devious dollops of defecations?”

    Gives alliteration a bad, bad name.

    Jan 21, 2009 at 2:23 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   park rose

      No, it’s wonderful. Can’t you imagine Boy Wonder saying it to Batman?
      Devious Dollops of Defecations, Batman! To the Bat Cave!

      *Sounds batshit crazy to me, too. I know, I know.

      Jan 21, 2009 at 2:48 am   rating: 38  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.2   TheOldSchool bang

      I’m accepting donations for my Alleviate Alliteracy Alliance starting when the banks open tomorrow morning.

      Jan 21, 2009 at 2:57 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.3   Olivia

      His alliteration has gone to shit.

      Jan 21, 2009 at 7:20 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.4   echoecole

      Stop Senseless Shitty Salutes.
      S’ank you S’ank you very much.

      Jan 21, 2009 at 9:43 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.5   Ti O bang

      That Bon Jovi song “You give Alliteration a Bad Name” never quite made it on to the charts.

      Jan 21, 2009 at 12:50 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.6   agatha christie

      With alliterations like those, I suspect Geraldo is behind this sign… and perhaps the devious dollops of defecations, too.

      Jan 22, 2009 at 12:29 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   SanFran

    Hey… So I would like to come forth and introduce myself as the sign maker… I actually submitted it to this list months ago, when I made the it – glad someone else submitted it though.

    I’d like you all to know that one or more of the following has occurred:
    1) the dog has died
    2) the dog owner has moved
    3) the sign was effective

    there hasn’t been dookie on the doorstep for many weeks.

    Jan 21, 2009 at 2:57 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   Holiday Djinn

      I just wanted to say bravo for using graphics in your pan that were not bright orange penises. It really is a plus.

      Extra bonus points are being awarded because the “Bristol Stool Chart” is a real medical chart.

      Seriously, who knew they tracked that kind of shit?

      Jan 21, 2009 at 8:00 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.2   Goldie

      Hi SanFran, this is an awesome sign! I was seriously considering moving to Osgood Place. Glad to hear it worked.

      Jan 21, 2009 at 8:03 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.3   aaa

      I do like the sign, but -30 points for submitting it yourself (even if yours wasn’t the one posted). Sorry, man. :c

      Jan 21, 2009 at 8:45 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.4   Thanks!

      SanFran, Could you write a descriptive essay for me? Free topic.

      That sign is a fucking work of art!

      Jan 21, 2009 at 12:34 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.5   Sue Do Nim

      Your sign killed the dog and made the owner move?

      Impressive.

      Jan 21, 2009 at 6:32 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.6   SanFran bang

      clearly…

      Jan 22, 2009 at 1:26 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.7   Canthz_B bang

      Yeah, a work of Art Carney.

      Jan 22, 2009 at 1:41 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #7   SuperMe

    I love that the sign writer used both crap and shit in places in his letter without meaning poop.

    Jan 21, 2009 at 4:44 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

     
  • #8   spike

    Hi, everyone. Is Flickr down? Anyone else having trouble trying to get on the site?

    Jan 21, 2009 at 6:17 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #9   anglophile bang

    I must say, this is an excellent insult: “they have been written slowly, so you can read them”. Sounds like a line Wesley would say to Prince Humperdink.

    Jan 21, 2009 at 6:42 am   rating: 27  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   Bunnee

      That, and the poop chart are the best parts of this sign! Good chuckles in the AM…..

      Jan 21, 2009 at 9:58 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #10   Woman on the Verge bang

    This letter is PA perfection. Kinda makes you misty eyed with the sheer wonderfulness of it all. A stool chart. Niiiiice.

    Jan 21, 2009 at 7:43 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   TheOldSchool bang

      I suspect that the sentiments expressed by the sign poster had building within him for quite some time.

      When the pressure finally reached the point where it became necessary to seek immediate release, it would have been easy to just let loose everything in one explosive rant.

      Instead, the poster summoned the inner intestinal fortitude to maintain a controlled release, squeezing off his concise rounds in a volley of right and timely statements.

      The plan was strategically and tactically brilliant.

      The execution was as flawless as could be reasonably expected given the facts on the ground.

      At long last, the poop-scoop-snoops of Osgood Place have found their Napoleon.

      Maybe “Destiny” is a toilet that is merely waiting for the right person to plop down upon it and give it a good long ride.

      Jan 21, 2009 at 1:11 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #11   Canthz_B bang

    So, is he asking the dog-owner to scat?

    Jan 21, 2009 at 7:59 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

     
  • #12   Phalange

    Naaa, he’s wrong:
    “In space, no one can smell your shit.”

    I’m pretty sure that was the tag line from Aliens 8: Sigourney Needs Some Cash

    Jan 21, 2009 at 8:10 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

     
  • #13   Andreas

    Very consistent in its faecal references, just one slip-up where he called the guy a dick. I’d give it a B+.

    Jan 21, 2009 at 8:19 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #14   pry

    i’m eating breakfast, so i’m going to save this post for later. thank you kindly.

    Jan 21, 2009 at 8:23 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #15   aaa

    Dear scatologist in training,

    I’m glad that you’ve taken notice of the piles of dog feces that I’ve so cleverly deposited on your street. However, I’m not impressed by your use of scientific words like “bilirubin.” Your knowledge of feces’ contents does not leave me reeling in awe. In fact, your hubris has inspired me to alter my dog’s diet to increase the indole, hydrogen sulfide, and methyl mercaptan content of his feces. Please enjoy.

    Love,
    Dick the Asshat (who only uses words like acetylcholine and DNA polymerase in the appropriate context)

    P.S. Bilirubin isn’t capitalized since its not a proper noun. Boo.

    Jan 21, 2009 at 8:42 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   TheOldSchool bang

      Finally.

      A post that accurately summarizes the sentiments of those of us who are too shy to express our feelings in a public forum. Thank you, aaa.

      Jan 21, 2009 at 1:15 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.2   SanFran bang

      aaa:

      yes, when in doubt, attack grammar, spelling, Improper Capitalization even… I am not impressed by that.

      Before this note, I had very little knowledge of feces, truth be told. It was in a moment of frustration that I composed it – I’m sure your vision and judgement is slightly clouded when your brain is sizzling with rage… RAGE, I say!

      With that said: I shall await your depositing of doo-doo and take matters into my own hands, flinging them back at you with startling precision.

      Jan 21, 2009 at 2:51 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.3   aaa

      Dude, it’s PAN. You’re not supposed to take anything seriously lest you be branded a humorless dick. I thought any English-reading human or tree would’ve picked up the humor aspect considering I signed it “Dick the Asshat.”

      Jan 21, 2009 at 3:51 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.4   SanFran bang

      I guess the tit-for-tat nature of my response was missed… there is very little I take seriously, except taking a crap, which is very serious business indeed.

      No need for disclaimers. Carry on.

      Jan 21, 2009 at 3:58 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.5   aaa

      The vast majority of non-regular commenters here are humorless dicks, so I get lazy. So there.

      Jan 21, 2009 at 4:05 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.6   SanFran bang

      I may be a new commenter, but I’ve been enjoying the site for a long while now. I’m also very much non-regular, in general. My dick is so full of humor, sometimes I just don’t know what to do with it….

      Jan 21, 2009 at 4:09 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.7   aaa

      I think most people with humorful dicks go onto Craigslist and get people jerk them off. But I don’t have a dick, so I wouldn’t know for sure.

      Jan 21, 2009 at 4:13 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.8   SanFran bang

      Hmmm – that’s AN idea… I take it you have responded to a few requests on craigslist to know this?

      Jan 21, 2009 at 4:15 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.9   aaa

      No, but I watch enough gay porn to know that facials are absolutely hilarious.

      Jan 21, 2009 at 4:19 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.10   SanFran bang

      This reminds me: One night at a pub in Lowell, MA, my friend Mike was challenged by my buddy’s girlfriend: she said “go ahead, try to offend me…” So without missing a beat, Mike fired back with:
      “If you don’t shut the fuck up I’m going to paint a topographical map of Hawaii on your forehead…”

      She just sat there, stunned. It was glorious. Game over.

      Jan 21, 2009 at 4:22 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.11   TheOldSchool bang

      SanFran and aaa,

      I apologize for butting in, but I can’t let Mike’s retort to the girl pass by without comment.

      Hawaii is always the state of choice used men with semen volume for their artistic money shots.

      Dribble… .drop….drop…drop…drop. Hawaii.

      I can’t believe that’s all it took to silence the maiden.

      Had he offered to impasto a state like Michigan or Maryland, my eyebrows might have raised ever-so-slightly.

      Jan 21, 2009 at 5:02 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #16   claw71 bang

    I’m not impressed. I have to deduct significant points for originality and wit due to the use of the term asshat. Like fucking delicious there was a time when asshat was clever and amusing but in short order the proliferation of these expressions rendered them tacky and abrasive. Now, when I see the term asshat I generally associate it with the person using it.

    Additionally the author slipped in a dated metaphor that never really carried a lot of weight. Make an onion cry is the sort of thing that might have garnered a few chuckles in Branson, Missouri when Minnie Pearle first uttered it back in the 1950s but in a locale as urbane as San Francisco there’s really no place for it.

    I am a big fan of alliteration and while this note does offer several examples of the craft, they aren’t elaborate enough to impress me anybody can string together three or four words starting with the same letter. The reference to the Bristol Scale was a nice touch but this angle could have been developed more.

    Team BOO

    Jan 21, 2009 at 8:49 am   rating: 16  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   aaa

      So, a B- then?

      Jan 21, 2009 at 8:51 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.2   TheOldSchool bang

      Claw,

      Well said, but I’ve got two minor caveats.

      Didn’t Pearl “borrow” the weeping onion analogy from Eddie Cantor?

      While there are certainly many people in the San Francisco who could be considered urbane, I think you are mistaken to believe that this adjective accurately describes to the population as a whole.

      As for the Bristol Scale development: I agree.

      Are you familiar with the work of Frank Netter?

      Jan 21, 2009 at 1:28 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #17   Secret Squirrel

    “…anybody can string together three or four words starting with the same letter.”

    Challenge!

    Jan 21, 2009 at 8:58 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   claw71 bang

      Stunningly, Secret Squirrel stirred the site’s stew by submitting a serious scheme to stimulate some scintillating submissions.

      Jan 21, 2009 at 9:53 am   rating: 20  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.2   mamason bang

      Colicky comic collocuter Claw’s consistantly clever caustic commentary can cause considerable discomfort when confronted with cliched cocksure codswallop. Coldly calling for complete capitulation, contemptuous commander Claw castrates competitors completely. Cool. 8-)

      Jan 21, 2009 at 1:38 pm   rating: 21  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.3   MasterTwisted

      That terribly twisted traipsing through the thesaurus titillated the temporary travellers.

      Or was it likely Mamason managed to meritoriously manufacture these from memory?

      Jan 22, 2009 at 3:13 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #18   tiredmed

    This poor person has been in med school way to long. When you start pulling out the Bristol stool chart, it is time to stop studying and go outside.

    Jan 21, 2009 at 9:01 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   Bunnee

      What? I thought this was Sarah Palin’s chart, tracking her daughter’s poops. (they’re a VERY close family)

      Jan 21, 2009 at 10:11 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.2   secondsout bang

      Dammit, I skimmed through really quickly and missed this post before making a similar joke below. I was hoping that I had gotten to the Bristol Palin jokes before everyone else. I was wrong.

      Jan 21, 2009 at 12:00 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.3   Bunnee

      It’s OK, sout. The more Palin jokes, the merrier! Besides, they didn’t really have a similar theme. Your joke was funnier than mine. :wink:

      Jan 21, 2009 at 12:11 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.4   TheOldSchool bang

      tiredmed,

      You suggest the sign poster should “stop studying and go outside.”

      I’ve heard of misinterpreting the message before, but this one is so wrong, it’s almost right.

      Jan 21, 2009 at 1:38 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #19   GhostWriter bang

    Didn’t the Asshats have an album called, “Dumping in Osgood” that rocketed to #1 on the Bristol Stool Chart?

    Jan 21, 2009 at 9:05 am   rating: 20  small thumbs up

    • #19.1   You Suck at Craigslist

      Great, now I have “Dumping in Osgood” in my head, to the tune of “Walking in Memphis.” I hate that song.

      Jan 21, 2009 at 11:01 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.2   Ti O bang

      I have their Live at the Hollywood Bowl bootleg album. They really laid it down man!

      Jan 21, 2009 at 11:02 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.3   claw71 bang

      Leashed up my blue tick hound
      and forget the poop bag’
      Dog squats in the middle the a North Beach street
      the turds were lumpy and sausage shaped
      No containers were handy–I had nothing on me
      yeah, I left that pile there stinking
      but that’s not how I wanted it to be

      So we were dumping in Osgood
      leaving shit a at your feet and in view
      dumping in Osgood
      But it’s really not what I wanted to do

      I named my dog Elvis
      He’s a good doggy too
      I usually walk him by Grace off Jackson
      Even though those Chinks are rude
      Now usually I bag his shit
      but I was in a hurry today
      so there’s a stinky little thing
      waiting to be seen
      by a prick with nothing to do

      So we were dumping in Osgood
      leaving shit a at your feet and in view
      dumping in Osgood
      But it’s really not what I wanted to do

      Jan 21, 2009 at 12:04 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.4   You Suck at Craigslist

      I hate you.

      Jan 21, 2009 at 12:47 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #20   Andy

    Tom tried tactfully to transfer turd tirades to totally traverse.

    Twas totally ten times the tedium to trifle.

    … that, too.

    Jan 21, 2009 at 10:00 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #20.1   Canthz_B bang

      Gigglebrax goof-offs give good guys goo-gobs of gastrointestinal grief. ;-)

      Jan 21, 2009 at 8:34 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #21   Bunnee

    It’s kind of gross, but that chart is hilarious! Type 4 looks like a green bean, and then Type 7 says “extremely liquid”. :shock: It’s just amazing that there is such a chart as this and it’s a real thing, used by med students.

    Jan 21, 2009 at 10:06 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #22   Olivia

    I’m just waiting for the dog-owner to write:

    “Did you live in the Soviet Union? I did.
    Things that I long forgot, you will never know.
    Narrow-minded, spoiled ignorant creature.”

    In Soviet Russia, stool charts you.

    Jan 21, 2009 at 10:21 am   rating: 16  small thumbs up

    • #22.1   Ti O bang

      ♥ ♥ ♥

      Jan 21, 2009 at 12:54 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #23   Harris Bloom

    good to see NY ain’t the only city with poop problems..

    harris

    Jan 21, 2009 at 10:52 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #23.1   TheOldSchool bang

      Why?

      Jan 21, 2009 at 5:05 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #24   Danielle

    Ha! “Asshat” is one of my most near and dear insults.

    Jan 21, 2009 at 11:14 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #25   Zibba bang

    Shit! They’re on to me…

    Jan 21, 2009 at 11:39 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #26   secondsout bang

    Shouldn’t the Bristol chart be a rating of just how pregnant Sarah Palin’s daughter is?

    I suppose Gov. Palin’s vp dream is probably a Type 3 at this point – a soft blob that was easily passed.

    Jan 21, 2009 at 11:58 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

     
  • #27   SanFran

    All – I woke up this morning with a small hangover, and have been reading all y’all’s comments… I love the Bristol Palin Stool chart…

    To answer some questions: I’m not in med school, I get outside plenty, I made this sign after nearly stepping in a pile of poop right outside my office door… and then, very shortly after it was posted, the problem more or less went away.

    I dare not make another note to address the occasional people-poop that is dropped off though, because that could ultimately lead to more of the same…

    Jan 21, 2009 at 12:09 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #27.1   Sirius bang

      I’m a little suspicious: “SanFran” is not the preferred city nickname among the locals.

      Or so I’ve been told

      Jan 21, 2009 at 1:37 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.2   Mishee bang

      Those horrific words would never be uttered by a true native.

      Don’t get to smart alecky there Sirius. I don’t wanna have to put the smack down!!

      Jan 21, 2009 at 1:56 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #28   Emma

    Um, yeah. You think someone who doesn’t have time to pick up after their dog is gonna stop and read that?

    Also, I’m from San Francisco and this totally doesn’t surprise me.

    Jan 21, 2009 at 12:13 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #29   thirty six red

    IMHO “ass-stick ” or even a PG rated ” butt-wink” would have sufficed.

    Jan 21, 2009 at 12:19 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #30   SanFran bang

    Sirius: Suspicious of my username, eh? Interesting.

    Of what, may I ask?

    SanFran seemed like a reasonable username to me, as it serves well to place me, geographically. Aren’t you at least curious where people are from?

    And, a true native wouldn’t likely refer to their city as “San Fran” – I agree… but it’s preferred to “Frisco” as many call it, or simply by the airport code of SFO, no?

    With that said: I’m not actually from here, which thus gives me some license to use the term without remorse.

    I noticed that the last remaining sign is now missing – it was there just a few days ago. I’m actually shocked it lasted a few months! The other two were quickly swiped, probably by some partner at the law firm on the corner. Maybe it’s now framed on his wall with his many degrees from prestigious academies and universities.

    Jan 21, 2009 at 2:28 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #30.1   Sirius bang

      @SanFran:

      I wasn’t really that suspicious, I just wanted some recognition from the Countess of Monte Crisco ^^^

      Also it gave me the opportunity to link to more of my devastating wit. In truth, that’s my favorite pastime. In fact, I’m linking to myself as I type this.

      P.S. Great Note!

      Jan 21, 2009 at 2:40 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #30.2   SanFran bang

      now that we have THAT cleared up, I’m going to go drop anchor… back one out… drop the cosby kids off at the pool…

      oh, the list goes on…

      Jan 21, 2009 at 2:44 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #30.3   Canthz_B bang

      Asshole :evil:

      Jan 21, 2009 at 8:40 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #30.4   Sirius bang

      Claw called it: one who throws the term “asshat” is frequently wearing one.

      You’re a douche, SanFran.

      Jan 21, 2009 at 10:44 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #30.5   TheOldSchool bang

      CanthzB from 30.3:

      I believe the word is: sphincter.

      Jan 21, 2009 at 11:51 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #30.6   SanFran bang

      Sirius: I’ve been called worse by better…

      “douche”, while a quality word, is on the fast track to become the new “asshat”.

      Jan 21, 2009 at 11:57 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #30.7   mamason bang

      You’re on the fast track to become the new douche. Douche.

      Jan 22, 2009 at 12:30 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #30.8   Canthz_B bang

      This is a resident of SF speaking…he probably knows more about asses than douche bags.

      I will admit that I expected better than racist remarks from someone from such a “tolerant” (read: full of weirdos) city.

      SanFran, you are so much more of a shit than any Cosby Kid could ever be…even that space cadet Lisa Bonet.

      Experience has taught us that people who comment on the notes they themselves submit inevitably turn out to be just the douches we revel in tearing to shreds each day.
      Thanks for proving the rule!

      Jan 22, 2009 at 1:52 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #30.9   SanFran bang

      So I make a Cosby kid reference… you insinuate I’m gay… Don’t lecture me on tolerance.

      Our blood is all red, and I’m sure that at some point in your life you’ve made a cracker joke.

      I agree though: Lisa Bonet is a space cadet (my Dad used to use that term – haven’t heard it in decades)

      Lastly: I’m happy to prove your rule of being a douche! As a newcomer, that’s what I’m here for – so, for that, you’re welcome.

      Jan 22, 2009 at 11:01 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #30.10   EchoEcole

      Gay douche with a broken anchor steam bottle up his butt.

      Jan 22, 2009 at 11:32 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #30.11   MasterTwisted

      Oh my, you are feeling the love now. *laughs*

      Jan 22, 2009 at 3:22 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #30.12   SanFran bang

      Is this what passive aggressive love feels like?
      I just so happen to have some anchor steam in the fridge, too!

      Jan 22, 2009 at 3:31 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #30.13   Canthz_B bang

      “Cracker” :?:

      I’ll bet all of the nurses were surprised when you suddenly came out of your decades-long coma.
      I hate to be the one to tell you, but The Jeffersons only airs in re-runs now…jive turkey!

      Jan 22, 2009 at 10:12 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #30.14   SanFran

      I don’t like bein’ no jive turkey, so close to thanksgiving and all…

      Jan 25, 2009 at 9:45 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #30.15   Mishee bang

      Jus’ hang loose, blood. She gonna catch ya up on da’ rebound on da’ med side.

      What it is, big mama? My mama no raise no dummies. I dug her rap!

      Jan 25, 2009 at 9:58 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #31   Lawdy

    I..had no idea there was such a thing as this shit chart.

    I’m rather speechless, actually.

    Jan 21, 2009 at 2:50 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #31.1   Neeners

      Yes I am too. Who would have thought. Do doctors have to take a special shit test and memorize all the different types of stools with descriptions. What about one with corn and peanuts? Where does that fall on the chart?

      Jan 21, 2009 at 10:38 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #32   Bunnee

    The actual Bristol Chart is hilarious beyond words. Some of the words ON the chart include: like nuts, sausage, cracks on its surface, snake, blobs, fluffy and mushy. (No, not Mishee-I said “mushy) Very descriptive, adding to the overall hilarity! :wink:

    Jan 21, 2009 at 2:53 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #32.1   mishee stinks

      Mishee might be on there…check again

      Jan 21, 2009 at 2:59 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #32.2   amy d bang

      Grow some balls and post as yourself, 32.1

      Jan 21, 2009 at 3:08 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #33   MisheeIsJustAlrightByMe

    Gutless troll with nothing original to offer. Way to go douchebag.

    Jan 21, 2009 at 4:05 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

     
  • #34   claw71 bang

    I find the Bristol Stool Chart to be lacking in useful information so I’ve taken the liberty of including wiping instructions in ordert to help minimize time and TP consumption.

    Type 1: Separate hard lumps, like nuts. Hard to pass but easy to wipe. Minimal moisture results in little or no fecal residue. One square is sufficient to execute a verfiying pass. If wiping is required it should be done with a reduced wad.

    Type 2: Sausage-shaped, but lumpy. This could cause some anal tearing which will result in bleeding. Use a dabbing technique so as not to cause further injury.

    Type 3: Like a sausage but with cracks on its surface Another movement that will require minimal wiping, providing all of the feces is evacuated. Sometimes these break off in the rectum and during the course of the day the remains can poke out and mark up your underwear like a big brown Crayola.

    Type 4: Like a sausage or snake, smooth and soft Don’t force this one! Maintain consistent bowel pressure and let gravity and peristalsis help you. Significant fecel residue will be left on both sides of the anal sphincter so be sure to wipe with zeal. Use a baby wipe or moisten the TP for an extra clean feel.

    Type 5: Soft blobs with clear cut edges (passed easily) These can be tricky since the blobs are often encased in mucus or even residual lipids. While these seem easy to clean up, a stray blob is often left in the rectum only to ooze out later in the day. Rolling a few squares of TP and lining your anal crevasse is the best way to minimize clothing soilage.

    Type 6: Fluffy pieces with ragged edges, a mushy stool Skip wiping and go directly to the shower

    Type 7: Entirely liquid Skip work and get comfy, you’re not going any where for a while

    Jan 21, 2009 at 4:08 pm   rating: 19  small thumbs up

    • #34.1   Bunnee

      Oh my god! I was trying so hard to hold my laughter in at work, I think I ruptured a vein in my sphincter! Seriously, THAT is a work of art, Claw. Nothing like poop humor to brighten up a dull day. “Anal crevasse”?!?!?!? Brilliant! (If I could give you 20 thumbs-up, I would…)

      Jan 21, 2009 at 4:23 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #35   TheOldSchool bang

    34.1:

    Mysteries of the sphincter revealed:

    The human anal canal is about 3 to 4 centimeters long (roughly the length of a cartoon character’s penis, when erect).

    We actually have TWO sphinters (one internal and external) that form concentric rings which hug the entire length of our eery anal canals.

    The internal sphincter is made of smooth (corinthian leather-like) muscle that seemingly has a mind of its own.

    None of us, not even Kerry, have control of this quirky, mischievous, little muscle.

    It’s a rogue, Jack Bauer-like operator that does what it wants /when it wants. Luckily for us, it adheres to the protocols of the Geneva Convention, and still manages to keep our shit tight in our asses, until we are ready to go poop.

    The external sphincter is pathethetic and ridiculous. WE control this sheepish little freak of a body part. (It’s not even made of regular muscle! It’s made of “striated” muscle. How embarrassing is that?

    Now for the shocking truth.

    At those moments when we are in the library and think we might loudly fart, or when we’re riding in an elevator with a group of choral singers dressed all in white and we feel a sensation that tells us that we’re about two seconds away from unleashing a hellish and explosive torrent of roiling, bubbling diarrhoea, it is our milksop-like external sphincter who spares civilization as we know it.

    We just tell it to “stop this shit, now,” and it obeys.

    Remember: Shit Happens, But You Authorized It.

    Next week: “Testicles: They’re Not Just For Breakfast, Anymore.”

    Jan 21, 2009 at 6:06 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #35.1   makelikeacouplet bang

      Shit Happens, But You Authorized It.

      That was the tag line for Gigli, if I’m not mistaken …

      Jan 21, 2009 at 6:41 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #35.2   cheese fries [FBGM]

      dude. i cannot wait for next week… i’ve always thought testicles were just for breakfast

      Jan 21, 2009 at 7:20 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #35.3   Bunnee

      TOS, you forgot a most crucial statement that needs to preface your, um, anatomy lesson:

      “The following does not apply to goatse fanatics”.

      Jan 21, 2009 at 7:24 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #35.4   NoExit

      15 posts, Old School? Seriously?

      Jan 21, 2009 at 7:41 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #35.5   TheOldSchool bang

      Are these questions? NoExit? Where?

      Is the name you chose supposed to be a hat tip to Sartre?*

      Or is it a reference to your constipation? (Just drink a Drano and Liquid Plumber cocktail and you’ll be able toflush that problem out of your hair.)

      * It’s heartbreaking that he died never realizing that one day someone of your eminence would honor him in this way at PAN.

      Jan 21, 2009 at 11:48 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #36   warinthepocket

    If someone crapped on my living room floor – I wouldn’t be trying to catch them on camera afterward.

    Jan 21, 2009 at 6:23 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #36.1   TheOldSchool bang

      That would just get your lens all mucky.

      Jan 21, 2009 at 7:27 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #37   sj

    Wow, F— Taylor Swift or whatever. I would much rather read the bottom of that picture… Living room? poop. Give him major kudos… nothing like threatening with the non nanny cam.

    Jan 22, 2009 at 5:32 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #38   studentnurse

    Good grief, when I created that “Bristol Stool Chart” graphic for wikipedia I didn’t know it would take on such a life of its own.
    It is soon to become the ‘official’ representation within the NHS too!
    Fame at last ;-)

    Jan 22, 2009 at 8:07 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #38.1   SanFran

      For real? No shit…

      Jan 22, 2009 at 8:17 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #39   KoT

    Ah, the crows coming back to roost! You see what happens, fruit cakes? When you demand liberal law … you reap the shit you wished to sow!

    Jan 22, 2009 at 9:41 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #40   not mishee

    The sausage was fucking delicious.

    Jan 23, 2009 at 10:15 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #40.1   Canthz_B bang

      You certainly aren’t. :-|

      Jan 24, 2009 at 12:55 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #40.2   Mishee bang

      *looks down and checks the mirror*

      I am.

      Jan 25, 2009 at 9:53 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #41   not mishee

    Are you?

    Jan 24, 2009 at 10:51 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #41.1   Mishee bang

      Of course you aren’t.

      Mishee™ knows how to gigglebrax (nest comments for you nit pickers out there who don’t like made up – albeit awesome – words)

      Jan 25, 2009 at 9:52 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #42   Iheartmywhatever

    That stool chart LOOKS fucking delicious!
    What Os-whatnot place needs is a poopdeck for the shitfaced walkers and the poop challenged poopers. They could have their shit and eat it too. The deliciously malicious manure can be left in fecal deposits to the poop deck feces and trust. No one would have to know about this shit and no one would have to take a dump- truck to clean it all away.

    Feb 2, 2009 at 12:29 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     

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