Tom took notice of this “open letter” — a thoughtful missive that clearly merits our collective attention — on a telephone pole in San Francisco.
If we’re really lucky, perhaps this Richard Asshat character will grace us with an open response in the comments, whiteblizzard70-style!
(Note: For your further enrichment, here’s a less faded graphic of the bristol stool scale.)
related: when ph.d.s get angry
extra credit: mcsweeney’s open letters
131 responses so far ↓
#1
TheOldSchool
I suspect dogs.
Jan 21, 2009 at 2:03 am rating: 3
#2
TheOldSchool
Odd that the Bristol Chart makes no mention whatsoever of stools containing small, naturally-sculpted faces speckled throughout.
And why no mention of color variation?
Surely, the sign poster could have found a better stool reference resource.
The Bristol Chart seems hopelessly outdated.
Once upon a time I held the sign poster in high esteem. NO MORE!
Jan 21, 2009 at 2:14 am rating: 2
#3
mamason
Wow! This guy is steaming! Much like the mounds of malicious manure.
Jan 21, 2009 at 2:19 am rating: 5
#4
Quite Contrary
So, wait. Is it an asshat (which I thought was a human type) or a dog (an animal type) that is using Osgood Place as their own personal shitting grounds?
Jan 21, 2009 at 2:22 am rating: 3
#5
Quite Contrary
“Devious dollops of defecations?”
Gives alliteration a bad, bad name.
Jan 21, 2009 at 2:23 am rating: 11
#6
SanFran
Hey… So I would like to come forth and introduce myself as the sign maker… I actually submitted it to this list months ago, when I made the it – glad someone else submitted it though.
I’d like you all to know that one or more of the following has occurred:
1) the dog has died
2) the dog owner has moved
3) the sign was effective
there hasn’t been dookie on the doorstep for many weeks.
Jan 21, 2009 at 2:57 am rating: 13
#7
SuperMe
I love that the sign writer used both crap and shit in places in his letter without meaning poop.
Jan 21, 2009 at 4:44 am rating: 7
#8
spike
Hi, everyone. Is Flickr down? Anyone else having trouble trying to get on the site?
Jan 21, 2009 at 6:17 am rating: 0
#9
anglophile
I must say, this is an excellent insult: “they have been written slowly, so you can read them”. Sounds like a line Wesley would say to Prince Humperdink.
Jan 21, 2009 at 6:42 am rating: 26
#10
Woman on the Verge
This letter is PA perfection. Kinda makes you misty eyed with the sheer wonderfulness of it all. A stool chart. Niiiiice.
Jan 21, 2009 at 7:43 am rating: 5
#11
Canthz_B
So, is he asking the dog-owner to scat?
Jan 21, 2009 at 7:59 am rating: 13
#12
Phalange
Naaa, he’s wrong:
“In space, no one can smell your shit.”
I’m pretty sure that was the tag line from Aliens 8: Sigourney Needs Some Cash
Jan 21, 2009 at 8:10 am rating: 12
#13
Andreas
Very consistent in its faecal references, just one slip-up where he called the guy a dick. I’d give it a B+.
Jan 21, 2009 at 8:19 am rating: 6
#14
pry
i’m eating breakfast, so i’m going to save this post for later. thank you kindly.
Jan 21, 2009 at 8:23 am rating: 1
#15
aaa
Dear scatologist in training,
I’m glad that you’ve taken notice of the piles of dog feces that I’ve so cleverly deposited on your street. However, I’m not impressed by your use of scientific words like “bilirubin.” Your knowledge of feces’ contents does not leave me reeling in awe. In fact, your hubris has inspired me to alter my dog’s diet to increase the indole, hydrogen sulfide, and methyl mercaptan content of his feces. Please enjoy.
Love,
Dick the Asshat (who only uses words like acetylcholine and DNA polymerase in the appropriate context)
P.S. Bilirubin isn’t capitalized since its not a proper noun. Boo.
Jan 21, 2009 at 8:42 am rating: 12
#16
claw71
I’m not impressed. I have to deduct significant points for originality and wit due to the use of the term asshat. Like fucking delicious there was a time when asshat was clever and amusing but in short order the proliferation of these expressions rendered them tacky and abrasive. Now, when I see the term asshat I generally associate it with the person using it.
Additionally the author slipped in a dated metaphor that never really carried a lot of weight. Make an onion cry is the sort of thing that might have garnered a few chuckles in Branson, Missouri when Minnie Pearle first uttered it back in the 1950s but in a locale as urbane as San Francisco there’s really no place for it.
I am a big fan of alliteration and while this note does offer several examples of the craft, they aren’t elaborate enough to impress me anybody can string together three or four words starting with the same letter. The reference to the Bristol Scale was a nice touch but this angle could have been developed more.
Team BOO
Jan 21, 2009 at 8:49 am rating: 16
#17
Secret Squirrel
“…anybody can string together three or four words starting with the same letter.”
Challenge!
Jan 21, 2009 at 8:58 am rating: 2
#18
tiredmed
This poor person has been in med school way to long. When you start pulling out the Bristol stool chart, it is time to stop studying and go outside.
Jan 21, 2009 at 9:01 am rating: 7
#19
GhostWriter
Didn’t the Asshats have an album called, “Dumping in Osgood” that rocketed to #1 on the Bristol Stool Chart?
Jan 21, 2009 at 9:05 am rating: 20
#20
Andy
Tom tried tactfully to transfer turd tirades to totally traverse.
Twas totally ten times the tedium to trifle.
… that, too.
Jan 21, 2009 at 10:00 am rating: 4
#21
Bunnee
It’s kind of gross, but that chart is hilarious! Type 4 looks like a green bean, and then Type 7 says “extremely liquid”.
It’s just amazing that there is such a chart as this and it’s a real thing, used by med students.
Jan 21, 2009 at 10:06 am rating: 1
#22
Olivia
I’m just waiting for the dog-owner to write:
“Did you live in the Soviet Union? I did.
Things that I long forgot, you will never know.
Narrow-minded, spoiled ignorant creature.”
In Soviet Russia, stool charts you.
Jan 21, 2009 at 10:21 am rating: 16
#23
Harris Bloom
good to see NY ain’t the only city with poop problems..
harris
Jan 21, 2009 at 10:52 am rating: 1
#24
Danielle
Ha! “Asshat” is one of my most near and dear insults.
Jan 21, 2009 at 11:14 am rating: 0
#25
Zibba
Shit! They’re on to me…
Jan 21, 2009 at 11:39 am rating: 1
#26
secondsout
Shouldn’t the Bristol chart be a rating of just how pregnant Sarah Palin’s daughter is?
I suppose Gov. Palin’s vp dream is probably a Type 3 at this point – a soft blob that was easily passed.
Jan 21, 2009 at 11:58 am rating: 11
#27
SanFran
All – I woke up this morning with a small hangover, and have been reading all y’all’s comments… I love the Bristol Palin Stool chart…
To answer some questions: I’m not in med school, I get outside plenty, I made this sign after nearly stepping in a pile of poop right outside my office door… and then, very shortly after it was posted, the problem more or less went away.
I dare not make another note to address the occasional people-poop that is dropped off though, because that could ultimately lead to more of the same…
Jan 21, 2009 at 12:09 pm rating: 1
#28
Emma
Um, yeah. You think someone who doesn’t have time to pick up after their dog is gonna stop and read that?
Also, I’m from San Francisco and this totally doesn’t surprise me.
Jan 21, 2009 at 12:13 pm rating: 3
#29
thirty six red
IMHO “ass-stick ” or even a PG rated ” butt-wink” would have sufficed.
Jan 21, 2009 at 12:19 pm rating: 4
#30
SanFran
Sirius: Suspicious of my username, eh? Interesting.
Of what, may I ask?
SanFran seemed like a reasonable username to me, as it serves well to place me, geographically. Aren’t you at least curious where people are from?
And, a true native wouldn’t likely refer to their city as “San Fran” – I agree… but it’s preferred to “Frisco” as many call it, or simply by the airport code of SFO, no?
With that said: I’m not actually from here, which thus gives me some license to use the term without remorse.
I noticed that the last remaining sign is now missing – it was there just a few days ago. I’m actually shocked it lasted a few months! The other two were quickly swiped, probably by some partner at the law firm on the corner. Maybe it’s now framed on his wall with his many degrees from prestigious academies and universities.
Jan 21, 2009 at 2:28 pm rating: 1
#31
Lawdy
I..had no idea there was such a thing as this shit chart.
I’m rather speechless, actually.
Jan 21, 2009 at 2:50 pm rating: 0
#32
Bunnee
The actual Bristol Chart is hilarious beyond words. Some of the words ON the chart include: like nuts, sausage, cracks on its surface, snake, blobs, fluffy and mushy. (No, not Mishee-I said “mushy) Very descriptive, adding to the overall hilarity!
Jan 21, 2009 at 2:53 pm rating: 1
#33
MisheeIsJustAlrightByMe
Gutless troll with nothing original to offer. Way to go douchebag.
Jan 21, 2009 at 4:05 pm rating: 8
#34
claw71
I find the Bristol Stool Chart to be lacking in useful information so I’ve taken the liberty of including wiping instructions in ordert to help minimize time and TP consumption.
Type 1: Separate hard lumps, like nuts. Hard to pass but easy to wipe. Minimal moisture results in little or no fecal residue. One square is sufficient to execute a verfiying pass. If wiping is required it should be done with a reduced wad.
Type 2: Sausage-shaped, but lumpy. This could cause some anal tearing which will result in bleeding. Use a dabbing technique so as not to cause further injury.
Type 3: Like a sausage but with cracks on its surface Another movement that will require minimal wiping, providing all of the feces is evacuated. Sometimes these break off in the rectum and during the course of the day the remains can poke out and mark up your underwear like a big brown Crayola.
Type 4: Like a sausage or snake, smooth and soft Don’t force this one! Maintain consistent bowel pressure and let gravity and peristalsis help you. Significant fecel residue will be left on both sides of the anal sphincter so be sure to wipe with zeal. Use a baby wipe or moisten the TP for an extra clean feel.
Type 5: Soft blobs with clear cut edges (passed easily) These can be tricky since the blobs are often encased in mucus or even residual lipids. While these seem easy to clean up, a stray blob is often left in the rectum only to ooze out later in the day. Rolling a few squares of TP and lining your anal crevasse is the best way to minimize clothing soilage.
Type 6: Fluffy pieces with ragged edges, a mushy stool Skip wiping and go directly to the shower
Type 7: Entirely liquid Skip work and get comfy, you’re not going any where for a while
Jan 21, 2009 at 4:08 pm rating: 19
#35
TheOldSchool
34.1:
Mysteries of the sphincter revealed:
The human anal canal is about 3 to 4 centimeters long (roughly the length of a cartoon character’s penis, when erect).
We actually have TWO sphinters (one internal and external) that form concentric rings which hug the entire length of our eery anal canals.
The internal sphincter is made of smooth (corinthian leather-like) muscle that seemingly has a mind of its own.
None of us, not even Kerry, have control of this quirky, mischievous, little muscle.
It’s a rogue, Jack Bauer-like operator that does what it wants /when it wants. Luckily for us, it adheres to the protocols of the Geneva Convention, and still manages to keep our shit tight in our asses, until we are ready to go poop.
The external sphincter is pathethetic and ridiculous. WE control this sheepish little freak of a body part. (It’s not even made of regular muscle! It’s made of “striated” muscle. How embarrassing is that?
Now for the shocking truth.
At those moments when we are in the library and think we might loudly fart, or when we’re riding in an elevator with a group of choral singers dressed all in white and we feel a sensation that tells us that we’re about two seconds away from unleashing a hellish and explosive torrent of roiling, bubbling diarrhoea, it is our milksop-like external sphincter who spares civilization as we know it.
We just tell it to “stop this shit, now,” and it obeys.
Remember: Shit Happens, But You Authorized It.
Next week: “Testicles: They’re Not Just For Breakfast, Anymore.”
Jan 21, 2009 at 6:06 pm rating: 9
#36
warinthepocket
If someone crapped on my living room floor – I wouldn’t be trying to catch them on camera afterward.
Jan 21, 2009 at 6:23 pm rating: 0
#37
sj
Wow, F— Taylor Swift or whatever. I would much rather read the bottom of that picture… Living room? poop. Give him major kudos… nothing like threatening with the non nanny cam.
Jan 22, 2009 at 5:32 am rating: 0
#38
studentnurse
Good grief, when I created that “Bristol Stool Chart” graphic for wikipedia I didn’t know it would take on such a life of its own.
It is soon to become the ‘official’ representation within the NHS too!
Fame at last
Jan 22, 2009 at 8:07 pm rating: 0
#39
KoT
Ah, the crows coming back to roost! You see what happens, fruit cakes? When you demand liberal law … you reap the shit you wished to sow!
Jan 22, 2009 at 9:41 pm rating: 0
#40
not mishee
The sausage was fucking delicious.
Jan 23, 2009 at 10:15 pm rating: 0
#41
not mishee
Are you?
Jan 24, 2009 at 10:51 pm rating: 0
#42
Iheartmywhatever
That stool chart LOOKS fucking delicious!
What Os-whatnot place needs is a poopdeck for the shitfaced walkers and the poop challenged poopers. They could have their shit and eat it too. The deliciously malicious manure can be left in fecal deposits to the poop deck feces and trust. No one would have to know about this shit and no one would have to take a dump- truck to clean it all away.
Feb 2, 2009 at 12:29 am rating: 0
Comments are Closed