expect to see this ad airing in primetime very soon

February 3rd, 2009 · 106 comments

marina found this flyer on her car’s windshield in venice beach, california, but with a sales pitch as compelling as this one, it’s really only a matter of time before this AMAZING OPPORTUNITY!!! pops up alongside t.v. offers like cash4gold and the (ever-popular) pedegg.

adds marina: “i haven’t tried calling the number…yet.” WHAT IS SHE WAITING FOR?!?!

related: spinal manipulation

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FILED UNDER: CAPS LOCK · california · exclamation-point happy!

106 responses so far ↓

#1 zchamu

If I can work from my home selling heroin and make over $4000 a week, SO CAN YOU! If you don’t call, enjoy your law-abiding non-felonious job, you’ll probably be doing it FOREVER instead of me who’s going to federal PMITA prison by next Christmas!

Feb 3, 2009 at 4:22 pm rating: +42

reply to this comment
- #1.1 hall monitor
  
  If they can afford to litter the beaches of California with printed ads, I’d say they are doing something right in the profit department. We’d be fools not to call!
  
  Hall Monitor
  
  Feb 4, 2009 at 12:23 am rating: +1
add to this thread
#2 MAMARILLA2

Billy Mays here for an AMAZING JOB OPPORTUNITY. I’m here to show you how to keep from doing legitimate work FOREVER.

Feb 3, 2009 at 4:27 pm rating: +24

reply to this comment
- #2.1 Sirius
  
  Neckbeard included at no extra charge
  
  Feb 3, 2009 at 4:36 pm rating: +21
- #2.2 claw71
  
  Billy Mays must have really done well selling Oxy Clean. At least he’s been eating well.
  
  Feb 3, 2009 at 4:39 pm rating: +9
- #2.3 RandyinReno
  
  I think that the Sham-Wow! is his big seller right now.
  
  Feb 3, 2009 at 4:43 pm rating: +6
- #2.4 MAMARILLA2
  
  Sham Wow is sold by weasle-boy, not Billy, I can’t remember his name but His face… Also he is a better salesman, He learned spanish (phonetically I’m sure) to sell the product on GALAVISION .
  
  Feb 3, 2009 at 4:47 pm rating: +9
- #2.5 mamason
  
  Vince. He also sells the Slap Chop. I love his nuts.
  
  Feb 3, 2009 at 4:50 pm rating: +17
- #2.6 Love for Fitz
  
  His name is Fitz! Have you ever noticed that only one side of his face moves?
  
  Feb 3, 2009 at 5:20 pm rating: +2
- #2.7 Ti O
  
  Actually it is Vince. I always hear it as “Fitz” too but maybe it is just his bad diction.
  
  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shamwow
  
  He is a former Scientologist. Hmmmm I guess tom Cruise won’t be endorsing the slap chop.
  
  Feb 3, 2009 at 5:29 pm rating: +8
- #2.8 Sirius
  
  If you can sell ‘people came from space volcanoes’ you can sell anything
  
  Feb 3, 2009 at 6:25 pm rating: +25
- #2.9 Clumber
  
  Billy Mays is near the very top of what I like to call “my clock tower list”. Comes in my house and YELLS AT ME. In the event that I finally SNAP and my neighbors appear on the BREAKING NEWS telling everyone what a nice, quiet, and unassuming neighbor I was… Billy better find high ground away from clock towers…
  
  grumble…
  
  and stay the hell off my lawn while yer at it, gorilla-man…
  
  SlapChopVince is blacklisted from the Xenu cult, so he gets a pass.
  
  Feb 3, 2009 at 6:47 pm rating: +14
- #2.10 Canthz_B
  
  Can I still trust Richie Cunningham’s dad to help me start my very own home business? Even Fonzie looks up to him.
  
  Feb 3, 2009 at 8:31 pm rating: +5
- #2.11 Olivia
  
  How apt that Vince’s last name–and original first name–was Offer.
  
  Feb 3, 2009 at 9:41 pm rating: +1
- #2.12 AuntyBron
  
  I prefer to call him weasel-boy. Something about the ShamWow commercial just gives me the willies. Gack
  
  Feb 6, 2009 at 12:48 am rating: 0
- #2.13 LawGeek
  
  I am not buying anything from Billy Mays until he learns how to use his Indoor Voice. Don’t they teach you that in kindergarten?
  
  Feb 6, 2009 at 1:25 pm rating: +1
add to this thread
#3 Frankie

It’s an escort service that I started! See what you do is find two people to work under you, and then have them find two people each to work under them..Everybody Pimps… that’s what I’m calling it. It’s not a pyramid scheme though. I promise.

Feb 3, 2009 at 4:37 pm rating: +19

reply to this comment
- #3.1 Sirius
  
  * find two people to work under you*
  
  Feb 3, 2009 at 4:41 pm rating: +6
- #3.2 Lorelie
  
  Find two people for me to work over?
  
  *snags billy club and handcuffs*
  
  Feb 3, 2009 at 4:46 pm rating: +4
- #3.3 Holiday Djinn
  
  If done correctly, shouldn’t it be two in the front one in the rear? Or is that too shocking?
  
  Feb 3, 2009 at 4:47 pm rating: +2
- #3.4 Lorelie
  
  Shocking? Nope.
  
  But I still maintain the billy club and handcuffs will come in handy.
  
  Feb 3, 2009 at 4:51 pm rating: +3
- #3.5 mamason
  
  Too shocking? Paleeez! *you forgot to mention one in each hand*
  
  Feb 3, 2009 at 4:54 pm rating: +3
- #3.6 Frankie
  
  See I already have five people under me! It’s just that easy folks!
  
  Feb 3, 2009 at 4:56 pm rating: +13
- #3.7 Sirius
  
  Step 2: ??????
  
  Feb 3, 2009 at 6:26 pm rating: +2
- #3.8 Lorelie
  
  Well, in step two a bird sees another bird that they think is pretty. . . . Um. Ok, see, there’s these bees. . . .
  
  Oh, go ask your father!
  
  Feb 3, 2009 at 7:56 pm rating: +5
- #3.9 Saysh
  
  Frankie, I’d like to be under you.
  
  And over you.
  
  And behind you.
  
  and IN..
  
  oh, did I go too far???
  
  Feb 3, 2009 at 11:43 pm rating: +1
- #3.10 mamason
  
  Frankie’s deep Saysh. She can take it.
  
  Feb 4, 2009 at 12:56 am rating: 0
- #3.11 Frankie
  
  I can take it any which way you want to deliver it baby. I lay it out for you to play it out.
  
  Feb 4, 2009 at 10:13 am rating: 0
- #3.12 MAMARILLA2
  
  DV/DA?
  
  Feb 6, 2009 at 1:39 pm rating: 0
add to this thread
#4 claw71

I’m a multi-billionaire several times over and I make more money taking my morning dump than most of you losers will see over the entire span of your miserable lives, but I wanted to share with you how I do it. Just call 1-800-BIG-SCAM to order my book, Billion Dollar Boondoggle . I really don’t care if you call and order it, I don’t need the money. It’s chump change to me but I have to charge for this book to be sure that you really want financial independence.

Feb 3, 2009 at 4:38 pm rating: +28

reply to this comment
#5 RandyinReno

Call me to receive your entrepreneur kit *instructions to print flyer and place on automobile windshields in Redondo Beach* for only $19.99. Now, if I can only find 199 more suckers this week I can make my $4,000 as well.

Feb 3, 2009 at 4:41 pm rating: +9

reply to this comment
- #5.1 TheOldSchool
  
  Randy, if it involves windshield repair and fliers weighted down with rocks, no thanks.
  
  Feb 3, 2009 at 7:25 pm rating: 0
add to this thread
#6 Holiday Djinn

But, But, They have proof! It says so on their own flier. Fliers can’t lie!

Feb 3, 2009 at 4:45 pm rating: +3

reply to this comment
- #6.1 amy d
  
  Fliers don’t lie. Words lie.
  
  hmm…that doesn’t seem to work as well as the guns don’t kill people saying. Perhaps I should try another?
  
  Fliers put the “F” in liers.
  
  Shit, that doesn’t work either! Fuck it, I’m hitting submit and washing my hands of the whole mess.
  
  Feb 3, 2009 at 4:54 pm rating: +23
- #6.2 TheOldSchool
  
  Pilots lie.
  
  Feb 3, 2009 at 7:26 pm rating: +1
- #6.3 RandyinReno
  
  Amy, it totally works!
  
  And you can dry your hands with the ShamWow!
  
  Feb 3, 2009 at 10:42 pm rating: +3
- #6.4 fluffy8u
  
  Because it’s a towel?
  
  Feb 3, 2009 at 11:27 pm rating: +1
add to this thread
#7 claw71

Those ped-egg things are just gross. Basically it’s a micro grater that you take to your feet to shave off flakes of unwanted skin, but unlike that pesky kitchen utensils that send skin dust flying every which way, the ped egg has a convenient container that stores the dead skin until you’re ready to dispose of it. Of course, in today’s economy you might wan’t to mix that skin with a little mayo and spread it on a couple of slices of bread.

Thanks George W. Bush! I’m eating foot skin salad sandwiches, but you really should build a library. You earned it. Besides, how big is that library going to be to house a couple of Highlights magazines and a collection of Golden Books.

Feb 3, 2009 at 4:45 pm rating: +32

reply to this comment
- #7.1 Lorelie
  
  I equate my love of the Ped-Egg to men’s love of examining their clipped toenails.
  
  Feb 3, 2009 at 4:49 pm rating: +4
- #7.2 RandyinReno
  
  Ped-Egg shavings are best on Chicken Marsala…
  
  Feb 3, 2009 at 4:56 pm rating: +2
- #7.3 fantasy
  
  mmmm, it tastes like parmesan cheese!
  
  Looks like it too!
  
  You no longer have to eat that crappy stuff from the can……. mmmm, ped cheese!
  
  Feb 3, 2009 at 5:24 pm rating: +2
- #7.4 Ti O
  
  The Bernstein Bears go to Washington-The Jewish Ursa Lobby .
  
  Feb 3, 2009 at 5:36 pm rating: +3
- #7.5 anglophile
  
  I am experiencing a strong sense of deja vu with this thread.
  
  Feb 3, 2009 at 7:42 pm rating: +2
- #7.6 mamason
  
  *runs in breathlessly*
  
  Ped-egg and cheese omelet! *chirp*
  
  Am I too late? I’m too late, aren’t I?
  
  *sigh*
  
  Feb 3, 2009 at 8:05 pm rating: +3
add to this thread
#8 ummmmheyyyy

The job is probably doing the circling, underlining, and highlighting on flyers

Feb 3, 2009 at 4:46 pm rating: +7

reply to this comment
#9 Lorelie

It’s the mom of the octuplets! And her plan really is quite simple.

More babies = more endorsements.

Right? Right? Oprah? Anyone?

Feb 3, 2009 at 4:47 pm rating: +12

reply to this comment
#10 Goldie

If this guy wants us to work from his home, he should’ve included pictures. Is it in a good neighborhood? Can I take naps in the master bedroom? Is the bar stocked to my liking? I prefer top-shelf.

Feb 3, 2009 at 4:53 pm rating: +10

reply to this comment
#11 Frankie

HE HE. I called it.

Feb 3, 2009 at 5:01 pm rating: +2

reply to this comment
- #11.1 amy d
  
  …and?
  
  Don’t leave us in suspense, woman!
  
  Feb 3, 2009 at 5:03 pm rating: +1
- #11.2 Frankie
  
  It’s some chick named shannon in a pre recorded message. Then if you’re interested it prompts you to leave your name and number so she can get back to you. If you’re interested in improving the quality of your life, you too could make between 3 and 5 thousand in your second week…that’s right between 3 and 5 thousand in YOUR second week.
  
  Feb 3, 2009 at 5:04 pm rating: +5
- #11.3 amy d
  
  I call shennanigans! This is an obvious scam. No girl named Shannon has ever made $4000 a week. And I almost fell for it, too.
  
  Thanks for saving me, Frankie.
  
  Feb 3, 2009 at 5:08 pm rating: +8
- #11.4 Frankie
  
  Come up to 3.6 and join my scam..er…money making opportunity.
  
  Feb 3, 2009 at 5:09 pm rating: +1
- #11.5 Shannon
  
  I made $4000 in one week, and as soon as the statute of limitations runs out, I’ll share my secret with YOU!
  
  Feb 3, 2009 at 6:31 pm rating: +8
add to this thread
#12 mamason

Enjoy what you’re presently doing… you’ll probably be doing it forever?

Even I can’t masturbate that long.

Feb 3, 2009 at 5:11 pm rating: +33

reply to this comment
- #12.1 Frankie
  
  I probably could.
  
  Feb 3, 2009 at 5:16 pm rating: +2
- #12.2 mamason
  
  My hands get tired.
  
  Feb 3, 2009 at 5:34 pm rating: 0
- #12.3 Lorelie
  
  That’s when it’s time to break out the extras.
  
  Extra as in toys, not hands.
  
  Feb 3, 2009 at 7:52 pm rating: +1
- #12.4 RandyinReno
  
  Lube is important.
  
  And a towel.
  
  Feb 3, 2009 at 10:45 pm rating: +1
- #12.5 Saysh
  
  Mama.. I’m disappointed.
  
  *shakes head*
  
  Feb 3, 2009 at 11:47 pm rating: 0
- #12.6 mamason
  
  Saysh, I’m doing the hand exercises you showed me, it’s just going to take time to build endurance. *squeeze, two, three, four…*
  
  Feb 4, 2009 at 12:37 am rating: +1
- #12.7 Frankie
  
  I can do it without my hands. I have the strongest kegel muscles in the entire midwest. All I need is my imagination and that never gets tired.
  
  Feb 4, 2009 at 10:30 am rating: +1
- #12.8 LawGeek
  
  dude. In this economy, I light a candle every night that I’ll be doing what I am currently doing at the end of the year. I can only dream that I’ll be doing it forever (erm, well, until I retire or die, I hope he means)
  
  Feb 6, 2009 at 1:29 pm rating: 0
add to this thread
#13 Sabeline

This induced a panic attack in me so strong I was compelled to call that number. Prostitution never pays, kids- no matter how much natural talent you may have.

Feb 3, 2009 at 5:12 pm rating: +4

reply to this comment
- #13.1 Canthz_B
  
  Depends on your clientele. Those widows in the ritzier Senior Living communities pay a fella really well. Especially if they “arrive” more than once!
  
  Feb 3, 2009 at 8:46 pm rating: +4
add to this thread
#14 madeingermany

Did you see the cash4gold thing on consumerist?
http://consumerist.com/5144296/10-confessions-of-a-cash4gold-employee

Feb 3, 2009 at 5:13 pm rating: 0

reply to this comment
- #14.1 Themiki
  
  When I die, miserable and broke, I want:
  “I should have called 800-363-1004″
  on my gravestone. I’m a starving artist, I enjoy what I’m doing, and I wouldn’t mind doing it forever, but the last time I pulled in 4,000 a week it involved gun-running and transporting foreign prostitutes across the border for a guy named Guido…
  
  I hear they pay a lot of money for the stuff that just falls out of my ovaries every month though…
  
  Feb 3, 2009 at 5:27 pm rating: +8
- #14.2 racerx
  
  thanks mad I almost sent in my gold fillings since i don’t need teeth to eat Ramen
  
  Feb 3, 2009 at 11:42 pm rating: +2
add to this thread
#15 SanFran

I wonder if this is part of The Velvet Jones School of Technology… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lZVnve5wG0A

Feb 3, 2009 at 5:27 pm rating: +2

reply to this comment
#16 TheOldSchool

So, I see that people here are thinking this is a scam.

What are the clues?

Feb 3, 2009 at 5:28 pm rating: +1

reply to this comment
- #16.1 fantasy
  
  Let me clue you in. This is my take on things!
  
  Do you realize what is worse than a Jehovahs Witness? An Amway dealer!
  
  That is what these get rich schemes do they turn perfectly rational people into irritating lepers!!
  
  Don’t call, don’t go near it, they will never, ever leave you alone! They will intimidate, make you feel like you are not only going to go to Hell, but you will also go there POOR!
  
  Warning: If you open that door, you will wish you were in Hell and feel like you paid for the ticket to get there………. and yes you will still be poor.
  
  Feb 3, 2009 at 6:34 pm rating: +6
- #16.2 Sirius
  
  That’s my favorite reply to the Jehovah Witness question:
  
  “But don’t you want to go to Heaven?
  
  Well, not if it’s filled with Jehovah’s Witnesses!”
  
  Feb 3, 2009 at 6:37 pm rating: +10
- #16.3 fantasy
  
  I like to goad them into saying that only 144,000 will get to heaven, then ask them how many members are in their organization.
  
  “So, there is not enough room for you? Then why would you invite ME!”
  
  Feb 3, 2009 at 6:43 pm rating: +15
- #16.4 SanFran
  
  We used to call it Scamway… I had a few friends who drank that koolaid – and while originally in search of a quick buck, they found religion! Who’d have thunk!
  
  I wonder what happened to them.
  
  Feb 4, 2009 at 11:30 am rating: 0
- #16.5 Breakers
  
  They became “Quixtar” and trained all their “independent franchisees” to hit people up at gas stations with a sales pitch for the Kool-Aid.
  
  Feb 4, 2009 at 12:23 pm rating: 0
add to this thread
#17 MW

DON’T DISS MY PED EGG! I put on my snuggie and use it every night, you know.

Feb 3, 2009 at 5:31 pm rating: +2

reply to this comment
- #17.1 mamason
  
  I’ll bet the free book light comes in handy!
  
  Feb 3, 2009 at 5:35 pm rating: +1
- #17.2 Bunnee
  
  The ped-egg DOES work wonderfully, but if you’re using it every night, your feet must be shredded! How can you walk? I can only use mine once every 2-3 weeks or so because it works so very well.
  
  Feb 3, 2009 at 5:59 pm rating: +2
- #17.3 MW
  
  I like to see my bones, so I shred every night. I eat the excess skin, you know, we’re low on funds.
  
  Feb 4, 2009 at 3:55 am rating: 0
- #17.4 Mishee
  
  “Ooh yesh. Yesh yesh yesh yesh. This is a keeper. Yesh, salty. Yesh that was good.”
  
  Feb 4, 2009 at 10:15 am rating: 0
- #17.5 Frankie
  
  “You wanna shmoke anna pancake?”
  
  Feb 4, 2009 at 10:22 am rating: 0
- #17.6 Mishee
  
  You know me better than that Franks…
  
  I prefer a bong and a blintz…
  
  Feb 4, 2009 at 10:37 am rating: 0
- #17.7 Frankie
  
  Well, then there ish no pleashing you.
  
  Feb 4, 2009 at 10:42 am rating: 0
- #17.8 MAMARILLA2
  
  I’m from holland, isn’t dat vierd?
  
  Feb 6, 2009 at 1:46 pm rating: 0
add to this thread
#18 Frankie

Doesn’t that “if I can do it then you could do it” thing really only work if you know more about the person rather than just taking their word for it?

“BITCH! YOU DON’T KNOW ME!”

Feb 3, 2009 at 5:35 pm rating: +4

reply to this comment
- #18.1 Mark
  
  For some reason, that made me think of:
  
  That’s my purse! I don’t know you!
  
  Feb 4, 2009 at 1:33 pm rating: +4
add to this thread
#19 SockHead

I especially love the lack of punctuation and the “stuck caps lock key” syndrome.

“SO CAN YOU I’LL PROVE IT”

Nice.

Feb 3, 2009 at 5:55 pm rating: +3

reply to this comment
#20 TheOldSchool

I’ll share with you one of the means I used to accumulate my fortune.

1. Get 900 number. (With these, the caller pays a fee to call you.)

2. Make a bumpersticker that says: “How am I driving? Call 1-900-DUM-BASS.”

3. Do a tour of the lower 48, driving like a drunken frat boy wherever you go.

4. Get a friend who is one of the first 50 employees at google, and put all of your eggs in this basket.

Rinse. Repeat. Retire.

Feb 3, 2009 at 6:59 pm rating: +4

reply to this comment
- #20.1 racerx
  
  I am now seriously considering trading in my pipe wrenches for a bumper sticker. I love to drive anyway.
  
  Feb 3, 2009 at 11:46 pm rating: +1
add to this thread
#21 secondsout

Sorry, I only take my financial advice from a guy with dollar signs all over his suit.

Feb 3, 2009 at 7:11 pm rating: +22

reply to this comment
- #21.1 aaa
  
  What, you don’t think you can have a successful turnkey operation like Dr. Quarters?
  
  Feb 3, 2009 at 8:35 pm rating: +1
add to this thread
#22 secondsout

So if you are earning $4000/week and can prove it, why are you moonlighting as a consultant selling your secrets?

Feb 3, 2009 at 7:13 pm rating: +3

reply to this comment
- #22.1 SockHead
  
  You would think that $4000/week would be enough for a proper education.
  
  Feb 4, 2009 at 9:04 pm rating: +2
add to this thread
#23 yellowcroissant541

aw, it’s not nice to make fun of other peoples’ typos!

HAHAHAA

Feb 3, 2009 at 7:17 pm rating: 0

reply to this comment
#24 you suck at craigslist

Let’s see … at 25 cents per flyer, you’ d have to put flyers on 20,000 cars to make $5,000. At 30 seconds per car, that would take 10,000 minutes, which is 166.666 hours, or 6.94444 days.

That seems like a reasonable work week.

Feb 3, 2009 at 7:27 pm rating: +6

reply to this comment
- #24.1 Geek Goddess
  
  But with the .666 hours, you will go straight to Hell. Of course, you do avoid the JWs.
  
  Feb 3, 2009 at 7:34 pm rating: +5
add to this thread
#25 TheOldSchool

Speaking of ads, what animal is this?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BKw_ccBdZEU&;

Feb 3, 2009 at 8:58 pm rating: +1

reply to this comment
- #25.1 Frankie
  
  -RUN! IT’S GODZILLA!
  - It looks like Godzilla, but due to international copyright laws – it’s not.
  -STILL! WE SHOULD RUN LIKE IT IS GODZILLA!
  -Though it isn’t.
  
  Feb 4, 2009 at 10:45 am rating: +1
add to this thread
#26 yellowcroissant541

animal=you
guy=random freak

ok. back on topic.
that note=bullshit

Feb 3, 2009 at 10:11 pm rating: +3

reply to this comment
#27 Canthz_B

Windshield wiper fliers are for advertising the local high school’s Booster Club car wash.
$4000/week sounds overly optimistic.

Feb 3, 2009 at 11:12 pm rating: +6

reply to this comment
#28 fluffy8u

What I’m presently doing? So I’ll be a doctor forever? Sweet. No more will I face the threat of a malpractice lawsuit!

Liposuction $100! Contact Fluffy!

Feb 3, 2009 at 11:34 pm rating: +3

reply to this comment
#29 bobby

I don’t think this counts.

Feb 4, 2009 at 1:55 pm rating: 0

reply to this comment
- #29.1 amy d
  
  Well, of course not. A flier isn’t capable of counting, sheesh.
  
  Feb 4, 2009 at 2:11 pm rating: +1
add to this thread
#30 thegreenjellybean

Why should anybody miss this incredible opportunity? Ha, ha!

Feb 5, 2009 at 3:16 am rating: 0

reply to this comment
#31 Jet Jackson

Can somebody please call that number (I am not in the US) and pretend to be the IRS?

Start asking questions about why they haven’t declared the $4000 a week they are earning… see how quickly they turn the story around.

Feb 5, 2009 at 7:48 am rating: +1

reply to this comment
#32 Nikki

I get a little sick in my mouth every time I see a ped-egg commercial.

Feb 5, 2009 at 4:40 pm rating: 0

reply to this comment
#33 lindsay

found this in google search…

Lavenia Enterprises

http://www.BestBusinessToday.com

SALES PROS: A realistic $250k + 1st year potential. Call for FREE 2 minute message 1-800-363-1004

Feb 5, 2009 at 5:44 pm rating: 0

reply to this comment

Those that have the most to gain (77)
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what michael moore didn’t show you in sicko (32)
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painfully polite and hilariously hostile writings from shared spaces the world over

expect to see this ad airing in primetime very soon

February 3rd, 2009 · 106 comments

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