Venting machine

February 10th, 2009 · 92 comments

If you’ve ever bought Twizzlers from a vending machine, you probably know that there’s a good one-in-three chance that one tiny corner of the plastic packaging is gonna get stuck — and bang on the glass all you want — only yielding after an extra 75 cents is inserted. Some folks, however, aren’t willing to condone that kind of stubbornness in their packaged sweets.

DO NOT BUY THE LICORICE IT DOES NOT WORK. The licorice doesn't work? No, it doesn't. It just lays around on it's mothers couch all day watching Judge Judy and collecting unemployment. (smart ass!)

related: Who’s the smartass?

FILED UNDER: Canada · CAPS LOCK · office · rebuttals · smartass · stealing · Toronto · vending machine drama


92 responses so far ↓

  • #1   QuarterRoy00 bang

    If only the licorice could master the proper use of apostrophes, it could have this idiot’s job…

    Feb 10, 2009 at 11:46 am   rating: 28  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   se

      You mean that putting signs on vending machines is an actual job? Where does one go to school for this position and what are the qualifications?

      Feb 10, 2009 at 11:52 am   rating: 22  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.2   Doesn't Pull Out

      I don’t know about the sign-posting job, but a major part of my retirement plan involves coming up behind the unfortunates who have to watch their mid-day snack dangle by the little plastic corner in the machine, and after they slink away disheartened I put in my $.75 and get a two-fer-one deal. I then sell one of them for $.50 to that poor unfortunate who is now huddled in the corner muttering to themselves about a Frito-Lay conspiracy, thereby only half bilcking the sot (well, 2/3s ), andturning a tidy profit.

      Feb 10, 2009 at 11:59 am   rating: 39  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.3   warinthepocket

      Vending machines are a new market for signs. As you may have noticed, many of your favourite products have benefited from warnings that have saved you time and time again. “FOOD WILL BE HOT” or “CONTAINS NUTS”. Soon vending companies will release a plethora of new signs “DO NOT ROCK,” with a picture of the vending machine crushing a man, “AMERICAN CURRENCY ONLY,” with a Star of David, and so on.
      I believe lawyers are prominent in this area of the job market, after all, if they are denied a salary for their contribution, they will start up a nice class-action lawsuit.

      Feb 10, 2009 at 12:05 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   lightspeed

    Could the poster perhaps have written a bigger sign? I can almost see the food selections behind this one.

    Feb 10, 2009 at 11:49 am   rating: 47  small thumbs up

     
  • #3   Mishee bang

    How weird I was going to make a note regarding the Hot Tamales in our vending machine.

    At least the second package always seems to work!

    Feb 10, 2009 at 11:51 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #4   anglophile bang

    Why on Earth would you go for the Twizzlers if you could get a Mars Bar instead?

    Feb 10, 2009 at 11:52 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   amy d bang

      Because the Milky Way is too far to go for a candy bar.

      Feb 10, 2009 at 11:58 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.2   Ti O bang

      I could go for a $100,ooo.

      Feb 10, 2009 at 12:01 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   amy d bang

    That’s right, we must not enable the licorice. Don’t buy it, put it in a Return to Work Program.

    Feb 10, 2009 at 11:54 am   rating: 44  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   unfortunate names

      agreed. and what is with all this bad / lazy food lately. it seems like a crisis.

      Feb 10, 2009 at 12:45 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.2   Beth Noir

      It’s really sad when good food goes bad.

      Feb 10, 2009 at 3:30 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   park rose

    It takes all sorts *groan*

    Do not hit sub…

    Feb 10, 2009 at 11:59 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

     
  • #7   fantasy bang

    The person writing the note may be next to lay around and cry at his mamma.

    Call him a candy-ass, then fire him.

    Don’t like it? Sue me!

    I would just love to meet Judge Judy.

    Feb 10, 2009 at 12:01 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

     
  • #8   TheOldSchool

    I didn’t even know that licorice’s parents divorced.

    Feb 10, 2009 at 12:16 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   TheOldSchool

      The sign-maker must have heard it through the redvine.

      Feb 10, 2009 at 12:18 pm   rating: 37  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.2   anglophile bang

      They’re not divorced. Everyone knows the couch is mom’s and the recliner is dad’s.

      Feb 10, 2009 at 12:20 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.3   Monkeyspeaks

      is the couch covered in plastic?

      Feb 10, 2009 at 2:31 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #9   Andy

    You and me both, licorice!

    Feb 10, 2009 at 12:17 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #10   Andy

    Of course they single out and accuse the black candy of not working!

    Feb 10, 2009 at 12:18 pm   rating: 69  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   fantasy bang

      …… it could be indian licorice?

      Feb 10, 2009 at 12:28 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.2   Corvus

      What are you saying Andy? That the brown candy is here illegally?

      Feb 10, 2009 at 4:56 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #11   Emma

    Dude, have a little sensitivity. In these HARD ECONOMIC TIMES a lot of candy is out of work.

    Feb 10, 2009 at 12:28 pm   rating: 31  small thumbs up

     
  • #12   Lovey

    Well I hope Judge Judy straightens out that lazy licorice with her bitchy Jewish ways.

    Feb 10, 2009 at 12:31 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   fantasy bang

      Isn’t that Dr. Laura?

      Feb 10, 2009 at 12:36 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.2   warinthepocket

      Wow, I felt bad for making any references to Jews, because I honestly have nothing against them.

      Judge Judy is obviously not a Jew, her nose is the right size – you’re thinking of her producers.

      Feb 10, 2009 at 12:37 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.3   Mishee bang

      her maiden name is Blum.

      She’s a Jew if I ever saw one.

      Feb 10, 2009 at 12:52 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.4   Melissa

      Wait, really? Her name is Judy Blum?

      I’m going to write her a fan letter about how much I loved Superfudg as a kid.

      Feb 10, 2009 at 1:08 pm   rating: 39  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.5   Wade bang

      Are You There, God? It’s Me, Licorice.

      Feb 10, 2009 at 1:20 pm   rating: 68  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.6   Lovey

      Hey, I’ve got no problem with Jews, I watch Jon Stewart!

      Feb 10, 2009 at 3:03 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.7   Canthz_B bang

      So, Jews are good because you find them entertaining? I’m sure glad I can tap-dance! ;-)

      Feb 10, 2009 at 7:58 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.8   Saysh bang

      Cb- I thought you did soft shoe.

      Feb 11, 2009 at 1:38 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.9   Canthz_B bang

      Gotta go all the way when you’re representing your whole Race, Saysh. Wouldn’t want Lovey to be disappointed.
      Besides, I want to be a “credit” and “shine”!! :-P

      Feb 11, 2009 at 2:24 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.10   Saysh bang

      *headdesk*

      *headdesk*

      *headdesk*

      *facepalm*

      Feb 11, 2009 at 3:40 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.11   mamason bang

      I thought CB was Lord of the Stomp!

      Feb 11, 2009 at 2:05 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #13   Becky

    Hmm… looks like Judge Judy is Jewish. Dr. Laura used to be a Jew but not anymore. The most important thing here is that the sign writer committed an apostrophe catastrophe with the “it’s.”

    Feb 10, 2009 at 12:41 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   fantasy bang

      She got hungry for a pork chop didn’t she?

      Feb 10, 2009 at 12:51 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.2   agatha christie

      Dr. Laura has a doctorate in plant physiology.

      Feb 10, 2009 at 10:15 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #14   Flaboy2425

    Fire the licorice. It hasn’t moved in hours. Nothing productive can come from that kind of behavior.

    Feb 10, 2009 at 1:07 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #15   cucumber

    Watching people’s lies exposed in a tv courtroom by the beautiful Judge Judy is attributed to laziness? I never knew.

    Feb 10, 2009 at 1:09 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #16   TheOldSchool

    Once upon a time vending machine industry existed solely because people were nice and they wanted to make certain that candy and sweets were readily available to workers.

    In the late 70s, the VMI was infiltrated by a pernicious cabal of mafia-backed coin collectors.

    Then, in the late summer/early fall of 2008, gas prices spiked, and the supply route drivers demanded that their bosses raise the candy prices.

    Coin dealers knew that $1.00 candy would smother them in the hated $1.00 bills.

    In order to keep the supply route drivers happy, and avoid the flood of paper, they hired a gypsy consultant who showed them how to rig the machines with “dummy pulls.”

    Two dummies per machine. They get switched randomly at each restocking.

    Now do you see why I hate coin dealers?

    Feb 10, 2009 at 1:15 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   TheOldSchool

      And high-priced gypsy consultants!

      Feb 10, 2009 at 1:17 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.2   racerx

      and pernicious cabals too!

      Feb 11, 2009 at 12:41 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.3   racerx

      I said that using my best Sylvester the cat impersonation,” pernithshuth cabalthhs” just in case anyone was wondering.

      Feb 11, 2009 at 12:57 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #17   zenvelo

    so is that 1 PA Note, and 2 analog posts?

    I’m surprised black-marker person didn’t start the post with “First!”

    Feb 10, 2009 at 1:20 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   secondsout bang

      Does the vending machine also dispense unitards?

      Feb 10, 2009 at 2:30 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #18   anglophile bang

    The problem is probably the form of Twizzlers they are stocking. They should switch to the Nibs, which are not as effective at hanging than the ropes.

    Feb 10, 2009 at 1:24 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #19   claw71 bang

    I, like licorice, also prefer to fritter my time away in a most unproductive manner but alas, I have yet to find the channel that features this Judge Judy marathon people speak of. Is my cable provider holding out on me or is it because my dial doesn’t go to heaven?

    Feb 10, 2009 at 1:29 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

     
  • #20   claw71 bang

    Doesn’t the missive seem a little specific?

    Is somebody projecting here?

    Feb 10, 2009 at 1:30 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #21   Themiki bang

    A dollar twenty-five for a fucking Mars bar???

    Feb 10, 2009 at 1:36 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #21.1   claw71 bang

      Clearly you haven’t heard the one about Mick Jagger, Keith Richards and Marianne Faithful.

      All I’m going to say is this: Snicker’s might claim that it really satisfies but in the right hands Mars is a world of pleasure waiting to be discovered.

      Feb 10, 2009 at 1:46 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.2   Holiday Djinn

      Well, in there defense, Regular Mars Bars are the same price, even though they haven’t been fornicated yet.

      Feb 11, 2009 at 6:59 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #22   claw71 bang

    By the way, I realize that it’s common parlance to generically refer to the Twizzler’s brand of candy twists as “licorice” but unless you’re referring to a flavor either derived or inspired by the roots of the licorice (or liquorice for our Brit buddies) plant you are in error and you are marginalizing an important flavor.

    Feb 10, 2009 at 1:42 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #22.1   anglophile bang

      Anise never gets the props it deserves, either.

      Feb 10, 2009 at 1:44 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.2   claw71 bang

      True dat, glo, true dat.

      I’m a big fan of star anise myself.

      Feb 10, 2009 at 1:47 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.3   Mishee bang

      Thank you claw.

      I hate those strawberry flavored “licorice” candy.

      I love licorice, and I even like Red Vines (which are NOT licorice…)

      but Twizzlers are teh suck.

      Feb 10, 2009 at 2:35 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.4   agatha christie

      I enjoy Good n’ Plenty candy. You have the benefit of licorice in a candy shell.

      Feb 10, 2009 at 10:24 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.5   Bunnee

      Twizzlers aren’t too bad, plus, they make quite an effective weapon. I whipped the back of my brother’s neck with one when he was driving and he almost drove off the road. It left a welt! :shock:

      Feb 11, 2009 at 10:03 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.6   liloleme

      twizzlers do suck as candy, but as weapons, bunnee is right, they rock.

      Red Vines all the way. But if I want Licorice, I prefer Jelly Beans, or Black Jack gum. (mmmmm)

      Feb 11, 2009 at 11:58 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.7   Monkeyspeaks

      i enjpy using them as straws

      Feb 11, 2009 at 3:15 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.8   Mark bang

      MS, liloleme did say they suck as candy…

      :lol:

      Feb 11, 2009 at 3:20 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #23   Elaine

    Love the pink marker.

    Feb 10, 2009 at 2:23 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #23.1   Mishee bang

      all that is missing now are the hand drawn penii.

      Feb 10, 2009 at 2:46 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.2   anglophile bang

      I enjoy the fact that the color scheme is reminiscent of Good and Plentys, which are clearly a superior licorice product.

      Feb 10, 2009 at 3:23 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.3   Robert

      I separate the “good”, “plenty” and “irregulars”.

      Feb 10, 2009 at 4:01 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.4   fantasy bang

      me too.

      Feb 10, 2009 at 4:18 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.5   Saysh bang

      I thought that the irregulars were “cuties”

      Feb 10, 2009 at 5:09 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.6   Mishee bang

      As long as they are fresh and soft, I don’t care.

      But I do love the “irregulars”, I agree with Saysh.

      Feb 10, 2009 at 6:20 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.7   FancypantsMcgee

      I used to love Good N Fruity’s when I was young but they stopped making them for a long time. They started making them again but they are nothing like they used to be. Now they are just damn jelly beans. No licorice. Boo.

      Feb 10, 2009 at 7:26 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #24   secondsout bang

    If you want the licorice or Twizzlers, or a discount on the $1.25 Mars Bar, there’s always the old hammer-through-the-front-glass method.

    Feb 10, 2009 at 2:33 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #24.1   Mishee bang

      I prefer the crystal ball method.

      It works for free Doritos.

      Feb 10, 2009 at 2:34 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.2   secondsout bang

      Or its close facsimile.

      Feb 10, 2009 at 2:37 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.3   claw71 bang

      I lurk in the corner next to the water cooler and act like I’m reading the business section of our local paper. I call it market research, but I’m usually jerking off to the Victoria’s Secret ad on the back page of the metro section. People don’t see me as they walk in but I have a clear view of what they’re purchasing as it drops into the tray below.

      If it’s a food item I have a hankering for, like a Twix or a bag of Sun Chips I make my move toward the door, intercepting the purchaser near the sink. That’s when I produce a stale Clark bar, or perhaps an ancient PayDay, and club them in the back of the neck near the brainstem.

      I snatch the treat as they fall to the floor in a heap.

      Because I work in an office full of fat fucks, these attacks are always classified as diabetic episodes. Shortly after I’ve finished the snack somebody usually enters the break room and administers juice of some sort in hopes of reviving my victim and, if they come to…which isn’t always the case…the blow to the brain stem always short circuits their short term memory and my secret remains safe.

      Feb 10, 2009 at 3:10 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #25   GhostWriter bang

    I’ve received five spam emails this week alone, claiming that you can use black licorice as a poor man’s Viagra. Everybody knows that doesn’t work; no need for a sign.

    Feb 10, 2009 at 3:35 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #25.1   Mark bang

      Interestingly enough, glycyrrhizic acid (a main ingredient in licorice) is known to depress testosterone levels in men. So, I’d say it’s more like the anti-viagara.

      Feb 10, 2009 at 3:53 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.2   GhostWriter bang

      Now, green M&M’s are an entirely different story…

      Feb 10, 2009 at 5:35 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #26   Licorice

    I always get bored at work and end up reading blog comments, like the rest of you numbnuts.

    Feb 10, 2009 at 4:28 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #26.1   fantasy bang

      Sorry to disappoint, but I have neither a job or nuts.

      I happen to be a kept woman! ♕

      Balls, I see you have.

      No testicles, so sad.

      Feb 10, 2009 at 4:39 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #27   Chisel

    MMM, liquorice

    Feb 10, 2009 at 5:26 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #27.1   Monkey Speaks bang

      MMMM ouzo… Tsipouro.

      OH … wait… I can’t get those ina vending machine :-/

      Feb 10, 2009 at 6:33 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #28   Set To Evil bang

    May I prsent a dramatic re-enactment…
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3S_8INOt5S8

    Feb 10, 2009 at 5:35 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #29   Canthz_B bang

    Who says watching Judge Judy isn’t work? 8-O

    Feb 10, 2009 at 7:59 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #30   makelikeacouplet bang

    I’m sorry, but does this vending machine also dispense fruit juice, or does Welch’s have a corner on the snack market that I’ve been unaware of?

    Feb 10, 2009 at 11:01 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #30.1   Marie

      welch’s make these horrible tasting gummy candy’s and then sell them in vending machines for like 1.25…

      Feb 11, 2009 at 12:18 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #31   ian in hamburg

    It’s so lazy it stays on ITS motheR’S couch FFS.

    Feb 11, 2009 at 6:09 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #32   C

    DO NOT BUY
    THE LICORICE
    IT TASTES
    LIKE SHIT

    Feb 11, 2009 at 7:54 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #33   john

    maybe the licorice was simply ineffective, not lazy

    Feb 11, 2009 at 9:50 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #34   Jess

    the other day, my friend and i were walking by a vending machine at school and saw a twizzlers hanging by a corner.. i turned to her and said “should we go for it?” meaning should we buy a twizzlers so we’d get 2 for the price of 1. anyway, as soon as i said that, the pack fell on its own, and we split it for free. just thought i would share, it was perfect!

    Feb 11, 2009 at 8:25 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #35   chris

    I happened to pass by a drinks’ vending machine once, where some 3-4 cans of coke and two bottles of water were stuck. People probably never looked down before they put money, to see the last bottle stuck. So I put some muscle power into it and managed to get the bottle out, together with the rest of the pack. Shared it among my friends, and the best part is – all for free.

    Feb 22, 2009 at 4:34 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #36   the candyman can’t

    [...] at vanderbilt university. “there had been many previous notes asking (nicely) for more twizzlers,” lisa says, but as desperation set in, at least one distraught staff member decided to get [...]

    Mar 13, 2009 at 9:32 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #37   Excuse me, I’m here to file a restraining order on behalf of my house plant | PassiveAggressiveNotes.com

    [...] The licorice doesn’t work, it just sits around collecting unemployment. [...]

    Jul 20, 2010 at 10:18 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #38   Death by a Thousand Puns | PassiveAggressiveNotes.com

    [...] related: This vending machine doesn’t work…it just sits around collecting unemployment. [...]

    Jun 27, 2011 at 9:41 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     

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