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Happy Valentine’s Day from Passive-Aggressive Notes!

February 13th, 2009 · 68 comments

Here’s to crass commercialism!

happy valentine's day from passive-aggressive notes!

(And kisses to Jennie and her boarding school bud Michelle for the Valentine!)

FILED UNDER: heart · Valentine's Day

68 responses so far ↓

  • #1   El Justiciero


    Feb 13, 2009 at 3:50 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   Shawn

      First jackass?

      Feb 13, 2009 at 4:02 pm   rating: 41  small thumbs up

    • #1.2   fantasy bang

      Shawn how wonderful, you are a true PANsy

      Please, won’t you be my Valentine? ♥ ♥ ♥

      Feb 13, 2009 at 4:20 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #1.3   Shawn

      Hellz yeah. Meet me at the Roadside Bar at midnight and bring Pink Champagne.

      Feb 13, 2009 at 4:44 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #2   zchamu

    So on one hand, +10 for passive aggression.

    On the other hand, minus several thousand for being seriously nasty bullies. These chicks need some anger management, man. There’s PAness and then there’s just out and out meanness, you know?

    Feb 13, 2009 at 3:55 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   unfortunate names

      well at least they showed some restraint. there could have been a bucket of pig blood involved.

      Feb 13, 2009 at 4:49 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #2.2   claw71 bang

      Blow it out your dickhole.

      Feb 13, 2009 at 5:18 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #2.3   Jenniedvm

      Don’t worry – it was just a joke… I think! Michelle wasn’t pissed off, in any case.


      Feb 13, 2009 at 6:07 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #3   liloleme

    Adorable! I want to make some of those and leave them around for a few choice people.

    I’m not PA enough to actually do so, but I can dream.

    Feb 13, 2009 at 3:55 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #4   Vic Torey-Paughn (nsfw)

    So, to summarize, no chance of a hot Valentine’s date then?

    Feb 13, 2009 at 3:57 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #5   Melissa

    I will always be a sucker for homemade Valentines. Despite the sentiment behind it, this still kinda makes me go “awww”.

    Feb 13, 2009 at 3:57 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

  • #6   fantasy bang

    I hate you and I hope you die are going too far.

    All the rest are just cool by me.

    Feb 13, 2009 at 3:58 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   zchamu

      I think it’s all of them together that takes it too far, IMHO. That’s some serious nastiness. Poor girl.

      Feb 13, 2009 at 4:06 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #6.2   Frankie bang

      But you’re okay with “You are going to die alone” Fan?

      Feb 13, 2009 at 5:23 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #6.3   Anonymous me

      I wish they had one that says “I hope you trip and fall and find yourself with a hot poker up the ass, a fork in the soft part of the right upper thigh, a pair of bodflies growing in your face, athelete’s foot and planter’s warts on both feet, crotch itch, dandruff, and fecal matter on the tip of your nose. – have a nice day – :)”

      Hatemark – see us for all your Hate Holiday needs.

      Feb 20, 2009 at 12:49 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #7   fantasy bang

    “Don’t you be my Valentine?”

    Feb 13, 2009 at 4:01 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

  • #8   zenvelo

    uh, does this mean no Valentine’s sex ?

    Feb 13, 2009 at 4:05 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   se

      You got there first, but, I would have to make a card for her saying”I guess a blow job is out of the question?”

      Feb 13, 2009 at 5:39 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #8.2   matt bang

      beware of getting a BJ from this psycho bitch. She might just decide to bite your bits off in one mighty gulp so you can never poke anyone again (((yelp..!!)))

      Feb 14, 2009 at 2:32 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #9   Ti O bang

    BE my “Die-antine”!

    Friend to me- “So what are you going to do on Valentines day?”

    Me- ” Break up couples surreptitiously and make girls cry..”

    Friend- o_O !?!? “you need therapy!”

    I keeed, I keeed!

    Happy V-day Kerry! :grin:

    Feb 13, 2009 at 4:12 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #10   Themiki bang

    That yellow one on the right called me a gardening tool. I’m not really sure what to think of that…

    Feb 13, 2009 at 4:17 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   C

      Indeed, the singular “whore” in ‘HoodSpeak is “ho.”

      Feb 13, 2009 at 4:26 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #10.2   claw71 bang

      “Hoe” says I want to grab you by your feet and repeated smash your head into the ground.

      Feb 13, 2009 at 5:20 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

  • #11   Ryan

    “Small children are scared of you”

    That’s by far the best one.

    Feb 13, 2009 at 4:21 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   Bunnee

      That was MY favorite, too. Along with, “Eat crotch”….

      Feb 13, 2009 at 5:43 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #11.2   Geek Goddess

      I would be more impressed if large children were scared of me. Of course, once they become teenagers, I have no hope of frightening them at all.

      But I can still dream!

      Feb 13, 2009 at 6:11 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #11.3   Yelena bang

      Totally agree with Ryan. : )

      Mar 12, 2009 at 3:51 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #12   Trish

    What’s the big deal? Aren’t all valentines like that? Everyone gets those kinds of valentines, right? RIGHT?!?

    Feb 13, 2009 at 4:21 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

  • #13   TP

    Eat crotch? How is that insult – I think it’s more of an invite!

    Want some ketchup with that? Worcestershire?

    Feb 13, 2009 at 4:24 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   JoelWhy

      Well, if you’ll notice, “eat crotch” didn’t quite make the cut; it got cast aside, to make way for wittier responses like “stop calling me” and “social retard”. In fact, if you examine the 3 cast aways (“eat crotch”, “assface”, and “you suck”) they could all be viewed as pleas for services as opposed to insults.

      Feb 13, 2009 at 5:21 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

    • #13.2   Thanks!

      I love to eat crotch! oh wait….that was an insult.

      Feb 14, 2009 at 1:24 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #14   SuperMe

    If I’m a hoe, you’re a rake.

    Feb 13, 2009 at 5:10 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #15   claw71 bang

    This is pretty funny but in all seriousness I am a romantic. I know that I represent myself as a real asshole here on this site, but I’m just a big ole hunk of romantic cheese.

    I usually start Valentine’s Day off with by picking a few drinks. Schlitz Malt Liquor or a little Olde English 800 are my favorites but I’ll sometimes pick up a 40 or two of St. Ides Wild Berry if my girl has been really nice. If we’re up against a payday I’ll pop for a couple of blunts and a pack or two of Newports.

    Then I’ll roll on over to the playground and pick up my honey. I don’t need to deal with all that drama from her dad. Keep your hands off of my daughter and all that noise. Nigga please, I won’t even be putting my hands on her because Valentines Day is also reverse cowgirl day. I love watching that tight, white little teenaged ass bounce off my big hairy belly while she works my pole like a pro.

    Anyway, after we get our swerve on we’ll finish up our malt beverages and swing on by White Castle for some food. Usually I have her buy, but this is Valentines Day so I spring for it. Then we’ll head on over to the discount cinema and catch a cool movie like Next Friday or Undercover Brother. I might even let her go down on me if she’s got herself together.

    After we’re done I’ll drop her off at the playground and take some chocolates home to my wife.

    Feb 13, 2009 at 5:14 pm   rating: 28  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   Frankie bang

      Claw, I thought your Valentines Day ritual was to go around the playgrounds asking all of the kids if the rag you’re holding smells like chloroform to them… Or is that Easter Sunday?

      Feb 13, 2009 at 5:29 pm   rating: 22  small thumbs up

    • #15.2   passive-aggressive black chick

      Use of slang: check
      Gratuitous use of the phrase “malt liquor”: check
      Black comedies: check
      “Nigga” thrown in for good measure: check.

      Conclusion: You’re white.

      Feb 16, 2009 at 11:30 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #15.3   Mark bang

      Um, duh! We’re talkin’ bout Claw! (shut yo’ mouth!)

      Feb 16, 2009 at 11:56 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #16   Wade bang

    Lurr: “Blech! These heart-shaped post-its are tacky and unpleasant!”
    Wife: “And what is this person you humans call ‘imbo’?”
    Lurr: “Surely it says ‘bimbo’.”
    Wife: “No, ‘imbo’! Without an Earth ‘b’. Behold!”
    Lurr: “This concept of ‘imbo’ confuses and infuriates us!”

    Feb 13, 2009 at 5:34 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   liloleme

      I heart Futurama

      Feb 13, 2009 at 6:11 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #16.2   Mark bang

      I ♥ Futurama too.

      For some reason that reminds me of Priscilla and the “Pirin” tablets. Chalky and unpleasant, indeed.

      Feb 13, 2009 at 6:35 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #17   mamason bang

    This would be perfect for Papa this Valentine’s Day. He’s chosen this weekend to go out of town and Mama’s not happy. When Mama’s not happy, aint nobody happy. :evil:

    Feb 13, 2009 at 5:47 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

  • #18   anonymous

    Hoe…hahaha what is wrong with garden implements?

    Feb 13, 2009 at 5:53 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #19   Jenniedvm

    I must admit, “selfish, back-stabbing, slut-faced ho-bag” has always been my favorite, despite the spelling mistake. I’m not sure who made it, but Michelle thought it was hilarious, and I set it as my computer background every February.


    Feb 13, 2009 at 6:12 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #20   fluffy8u bang

    Very creative and colorful. Your hatred is very apparent. And your hearts are so perfect! I assume you used a stencil? However, I’m afraid I must take points off for phrases too close in wording (“Die now” and “I hope you die” and “F*** You” with “F*** off”) and the “imbo.” Did you meant “bimbo?”

    Oh wait! Urban Dictionary defines imbo as “contraction of “imbecile” ( a person stupider than a moron but not as stupid as an idiot ).” Okay.

    So that makes your score a 9 out of 10. (Originality really worked in your favor. Also the word imbo helped since I had to look it up.)

    Feb 13, 2009 at 6:47 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #20.1   Neeners bang

      Right! Too staged for real hatred! No one that uptight could form a perfectly shaped heart in that kind of mood. They probably had to stop a few times to think up more obnoxious sayings!

      Feb 13, 2009 at 11:23 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #21   summer

    none of them say asspanda. :(

    Feb 13, 2009 at 7:21 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

  • #22   Canthz_B bang

    Cupid’s evil twin (Lipid) is up to his old pranks again! He’s a little heavyset to pass for cherubic, and his arrows induce fits of bitterness as a result.

    Feb 13, 2009 at 8:41 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

  • #23   Sea Hag

    I honestly thought that one said “Bat Crotch” and I was ready to go forth and insult the world with my new-found phrase.

    Feb 13, 2009 at 9:21 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #23.1   anglophile bang

      I think you can go ahead and do that anyway.

      I’ve been calling people Sea Hag under my breath since I spotted your username some weeks back. ;)

      Feb 13, 2009 at 10:05 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #23.2   agatha christie

      I feel like you now could substitute bat crotch for Batman in the old show’s theme song.

      Feb 14, 2009 at 10:33 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #23.3   Sea Hag

      Maybe ‘bat crotch’ could replace ‘fire crotch’ as the ‘crotch du jour’ .

      Feb 14, 2009 at 1:14 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #24   shellabee

    Just wait until Necco hears about this. It will be their next big thing.

    Feb 13, 2009 at 9:37 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #25   alex

    At what point does a note stop being passive-aggressive and becomes plain ol’ aggressive, and thus becomes ineligible for this site? This one, I feel, has passed that line.

    Feb 13, 2009 at 11:23 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #25.1   summer

      the hearts make it passive.

      Feb 14, 2009 at 10:10 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #25.2   TheOldSchool bang

      Are you suggesting that the term, “passive aggressive,” does not pertain to “irritable bowel syndrome”?


      That might explain the lack of specific commentary.

      I thought you were all just delicately tip-toeing around the volcano’s rim.

      Feb 15, 2009 at 2:37 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #26   mrdelayer

    Bonus irony points for the “Get a life” one.

    Feb 14, 2009 at 1:06 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #26.1   TheOldSchool bang

      To you, mrdelayer, as well.

      It would be gauche to award myself bonus points, besides, I have a Life. And a Look.

      But, at the moment, they’re not whispering my name with quite the same sense of urgency as is a certain Gentleman’s Relaxation periodical on the nightstand.

      Feb 15, 2009 at 2:45 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #27   secondsout bang

    This is really a good idea. There needs to be more confectionery that insults the recipient. Too bad those heart-shaped candies taste like spackle.

    Feb 14, 2009 at 1:23 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #27.1   mamason bang

      How is it that you know what spackle tastes like? :-?

      Feb 14, 2009 at 10:01 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #28   blueangels7901 bang

    Agatha, I think it says “Eat Crotch”, not “Bat Crotch”. Don’t worry, Robin is ass-hurt about it, too.
    But, I give kudos to the person who planned ahead for this Valentine’s Day social assassination. Perfect! What do we do for Mother’s Day for insane monsters-in-law? She lives (exists) too far away to personally drop off a flaming bag of poo at her door, and FedEx has a “no-poo” delivery policy. Ideas, anyone?

    Feb 14, 2009 at 10:44 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #28.1   agatha christie

      Blue, I didn’t even realize I’d made the mistake. I had an instant vision of Homer Simpson singing the Batman theme and through some mental mishap, did not type clearly.

      To answer your question, I think some would suggest the old anthrax-in-your-mail trick, but it would be ill advised. Maybe hire a florist to kick her in the kneecap after delivering a bouquet of dead flowers?

      Feb 15, 2009 at 6:15 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #29   quetzalcoatal

    “In my life
    I hope I lie
    and tell everyone you were a good wife
    and I hope you die
    I hope we both die!”

    My favorite valentine’s day song.

    Feb 14, 2009 at 10:49 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #30   Jared

    Dang it! I went over to my girlfriends house to pick her up for our date, and this guy named Chris Hansen was there?

    Seriously, WTF? That little bitch was cheating on me with that 30 Y.O. POS? I knew I should have gone for her 15 year old sister instead. But noooo, I had to fall for that lying 8 year old.

    /too soon?

    Feb 14, 2009 at 9:26 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #30.1   Sirius bang

      /no, too creepy

      Feb 15, 2009 at 2:20 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #30.2   anglophile bang

      /no, too completely unrelated to the note

      Feb 15, 2009 at 2:27 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #31   better on paper bang

    I’ve always wanted to get a special batch of conversation hearts made up with similar sayings.

    Feb 15, 2009 at 11:08 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #32   Jules

    Completely hysterical!!

    Feb 17, 2009 at 6:21 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #33   Taubin bang

    This pretty much sums up how my v-day went…

    Apr 7, 2009 at 12:40 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #34   Happy Valentine’s Day to my son…and the harlot with whom he’s living in sin. |

    [...] Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone! [...]

    Feb 14, 2011 at 8:28 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up


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