Here’s to crass commercialism!
(And kisses to Jennie and her boarding school bud Michelle for the Valentine!)
FILED UNDER: heart · Valentine's Day
Feb 13, 2009 at 3:50 pm rating: 1
Feb 13, 2009 at 4:02 pm rating: 39
Shawn how wonderful, you are a true PANsy ♥
Please, won’t you be my Valentine? ♥ ♥ ♥
Feb 13, 2009 at 4:20 pm rating: 2
Hellz yeah. Meet me at the Roadside Bar at midnight and bring Pink Champagne.
Feb 13, 2009 at 4:44 pm rating: 1
So on one hand, +10 for passive aggression.
On the other hand, minus several thousand for being seriously nasty bullies. These chicks need some anger management, man. There’s PAness and then there’s just out and out meanness, you know?
Feb 13, 2009 at 3:55 pm rating: 14
well at least they showed some restraint. there could have been a bucket of pig blood involved.
Feb 13, 2009 at 4:49 pm rating: 8
Blow it out your dickhole.
Feb 13, 2009 at 5:18 pm rating: 5
Don’t worry – it was just a joke… I think! Michelle wasn’t pissed off, in any case.
Feb 13, 2009 at 6:07 pm rating: 4
Adorable! I want to make some of those and leave them around for a few choice people.
I’m not PA enough to actually do so, but I can dream.
Feb 13, 2009 at 3:55 pm rating: 4
Vic Torey-Paughn (nsfw)
So, to summarize, no chance of a hot Valentine’s date then?
Feb 13, 2009 at 3:57 pm rating: 3
I will always be a sucker for homemade Valentines. Despite the sentiment behind it, this still kinda makes me go “awww”.
Feb 13, 2009 at 3:57 pm rating: 7
I hate you and I hope you die are going too far.
All the rest are just cool by me.
Feb 13, 2009 at 3:58 pm rating: 1
I think it’s all of them together that takes it too far, IMHO. That’s some serious nastiness. Poor girl.
Feb 13, 2009 at 4:06 pm rating: 1
But you’re okay with “You are going to die alone” Fan?
Feb 13, 2009 at 5:23 pm rating: 1
I wish they had one that says “I hope you trip and fall and find yourself with a hot poker up the ass, a fork in the soft part of the right upper thigh, a pair of bodflies growing in your face, athelete’s foot and planter’s warts on both feet, crotch itch, dandruff, and fecal matter on the tip of your nose. – have a nice day – :)”
Hatemark – see us for all your Hate Holiday needs.
Feb 20, 2009 at 12:49 am rating: 0
“Don’t you be my Valentine?”
Feb 13, 2009 at 4:01 pm rating: 10
uh, does this mean no Valentine’s sex ?
Feb 13, 2009 at 4:05 pm rating: 2
You got there first, but, I would have to make a card for her saying”I guess a blow job is out of the question?”
Feb 13, 2009 at 5:39 pm rating: 1
beware of getting a BJ from this psycho bitch. She might just decide to bite your bits off in one mighty gulp so you can never poke anyone again (((yelp..!!)))
Feb 14, 2009 at 2:32 am rating: 1
BE my “Die-antine”!
Friend to me- “So what are you going to do on Valentines day?”
Me- ” Break up couples surreptitiously and make girls cry..”
Friend- o_O !?!? “you need therapy!”
I keeed, I keeed!
Happy V-day Kerry!
Feb 13, 2009 at 4:12 pm rating: 3
That yellow one on the right called me a gardening tool. I’m not really sure what to think of that…
Feb 13, 2009 at 4:17 pm rating: 10
Indeed, the singular “whore” in ‘HoodSpeak is “ho.”
Feb 13, 2009 at 4:26 pm rating: 2
“Hoe” says I want to grab you by your feet and repeated smash your head into the ground.
Feb 13, 2009 at 5:20 pm rating: 13
“Small children are scared of you”
That’s by far the best one.
Feb 13, 2009 at 4:21 pm rating: 15
That was MY favorite, too. Along with, “Eat crotch”….
Feb 13, 2009 at 5:43 pm rating: 2
I would be more impressed if large children were scared of me. Of course, once they become teenagers, I have no hope of frightening them at all.
But I can still dream!
Feb 13, 2009 at 6:11 pm rating: 3
Totally agree with Ryan. : )
Mar 12, 2009 at 3:51 am rating: 0
What’s the big deal? Aren’t all valentines like that? Everyone gets those kinds of valentines, right? RIGHT?!?
Feb 13, 2009 at 4:21 pm rating: 9
Eat crotch? How is that insult – I think it’s more of an invite!
Want some ketchup with that? Worcestershire?
Feb 13, 2009 at 4:24 pm rating: 3
Well, if you’ll notice, “eat crotch” didn’t quite make the cut; it got cast aside, to make way for wittier responses like “stop calling me” and “social retard”. In fact, if you examine the 3 cast aways (“eat crotch”, “assface”, and “you suck”) they could all be viewed as pleas for services as opposed to insults.
Feb 13, 2009 at 5:21 pm rating: 17
I love to eat crotch! oh wait….that was an insult.
Feb 14, 2009 at 1:24 pm rating: 0
If I’m a hoe, you’re a rake.
Feb 13, 2009 at 5:10 pm rating: 5
This is pretty funny but in all seriousness I am a romantic. I know that I represent myself as a real asshole here on this site, but I’m just a big ole hunk of romantic cheese.
I usually start Valentine’s Day off with by picking a few drinks. Schlitz Malt Liquor or a little Olde English 800 are my favorites but I’ll sometimes pick up a 40 or two of St. Ides Wild Berry if my girl has been really nice. If we’re up against a payday I’ll pop for a couple of blunts and a pack or two of Newports.
Then I’ll roll on over to the playground and pick up my honey. I don’t need to deal with all that drama from her dad. Keep your hands off of my daughter and all that noise. Nigga please, I won’t even be putting my hands on her because Valentines Day is also reverse cowgirl day. I love watching that tight, white little teenaged ass bounce off my big hairy belly while she works my pole like a pro.
Anyway, after we get our swerve on we’ll finish up our malt beverages and swing on by White Castle for some food. Usually I have her buy, but this is Valentines Day so I spring for it. Then we’ll head on over to the discount cinema and catch a cool movie like Next Friday or Undercover Brother. I might even let her go down on me if she’s got herself together.
After we’re done I’ll drop her off at the playground and take some chocolates home to my wife.
Feb 13, 2009 at 5:14 pm rating: 28
Claw, I thought your Valentines Day ritual was to go around the playgrounds asking all of the kids if the rag you’re holding smells like chloroform to them… Or is that Easter Sunday?
Feb 13, 2009 at 5:29 pm rating: 22
passive-aggressive black chick
Use of slang: check
Gratuitous use of the phrase “malt liquor”: check
Black comedies: check
“Nigga” thrown in for good measure: check.
Conclusion: You’re white.
Feb 16, 2009 at 11:30 pm rating: 5
Um, duh! We’re talkin’ bout Claw! (shut yo’ mouth!)
Feb 16, 2009 at 11:56 pm rating: 0
Lurr: “Blech! These heart-shaped post-its are tacky and unpleasant!”
Wife: “And what is this person you humans call ‘imbo’?”
Lurr: “Surely it says ‘bimbo’.”
Wife: “No, ‘imbo’! Without an Earth ‘b’. Behold!”
Lurr: “This concept of ‘imbo’ confuses and infuriates us!”
Feb 13, 2009 at 5:34 pm rating: 14
I heart Futurama
Feb 13, 2009 at 6:11 pm rating: 1
I ♥ Futurama too.
For some reason that reminds me of Priscilla and the “Pirin” tablets. Chalky and unpleasant, indeed.
Feb 13, 2009 at 6:35 pm rating: 3
This would be perfect for Papa this Valentine’s Day. He’s chosen this weekend to go out of town and Mama’s not happy. When Mama’s not happy, aint nobody happy.
Feb 13, 2009 at 5:47 pm rating: 7
Hoe…hahaha what is wrong with garden implements?
Feb 13, 2009 at 5:53 pm rating: 2
I must admit, “selfish, back-stabbing, slut-faced ho-bag” has always been my favorite, despite the spelling mistake. I’m not sure who made it, but Michelle thought it was hilarious, and I set it as my computer background every February.
Feb 13, 2009 at 6:12 pm rating: 2
Very creative and colorful. Your hatred is very apparent. And your hearts are so perfect! I assume you used a stencil? However, I’m afraid I must take points off for phrases too close in wording (“Die now” and “I hope you die” and “F*** You” with “F*** off”) and the “imbo.” Did you meant “bimbo?”
Oh wait! Urban Dictionary defines imbo as “contraction of “imbecile” ( a person stupider than a moron but not as stupid as an idiot ).” Okay.
So that makes your score a 9 out of 10. (Originality really worked in your favor. Also the word imbo helped since I had to look it up.)
Feb 13, 2009 at 6:47 pm rating: 2
Right! Too staged for real hatred! No one that uptight could form a perfectly shaped heart in that kind of mood. They probably had to stop a few times to think up more obnoxious sayings!
Feb 13, 2009 at 11:23 pm rating: 1
none of them say asspanda.
Feb 13, 2009 at 7:21 pm rating: 10
Cupid’s evil twin (Lipid) is up to his old pranks again! He’s a little heavyset to pass for cherubic, and his arrows induce fits of bitterness as a result.
Feb 13, 2009 at 8:41 pm rating: 6
I honestly thought that one said “Bat Crotch” and I was ready to go forth and insult the world with my new-found phrase.
Feb 13, 2009 at 9:21 pm rating: 15
I think you can go ahead and do that anyway.
I’ve been calling people Sea Hag under my breath since I spotted your username some weeks back.
Feb 13, 2009 at 10:05 pm rating: 13
I feel like you now could substitute bat crotch for Batman in the old show’s theme song.
Feb 14, 2009 at 10:33 am rating: 2
Maybe ‘bat crotch’ could replace ‘fire crotch’ as the ‘crotch du jour’ .
Feb 14, 2009 at 1:14 pm rating: 1
Just wait until Necco hears about this. It will be their next big thing.
Feb 13, 2009 at 9:37 pm rating: 1
At what point does a note stop being passive-aggressive and becomes plain ol’ aggressive, and thus becomes ineligible for this site? This one, I feel, has passed that line.
Feb 13, 2009 at 11:23 pm rating: 0
the hearts make it passive.
Feb 14, 2009 at 10:10 pm rating: 2
Are you suggesting that the term, “passive aggressive,” does not pertain to “irritable bowel syndrome”?
That might explain the lack of specific commentary.
I thought you were all just delicately tip-toeing around the volcano’s rim.
Feb 15, 2009 at 2:37 am rating: 0
Bonus irony points for the “Get a life” one.
Feb 14, 2009 at 1:06 am rating: 1
To you, mrdelayer, as well.
It would be gauche to award myself bonus points, besides, I have a Life. And a Look.
But, at the moment, they’re not whispering my name with quite the same sense of urgency as is a certain Gentleman’s Relaxation periodical on the nightstand.
Feb 15, 2009 at 2:45 am rating: 1
This is really a good idea. There needs to be more confectionery that insults the recipient. Too bad those heart-shaped candies taste like spackle.
Feb 14, 2009 at 1:23 am rating: 3
How is it that you know what spackle tastes like?
Feb 14, 2009 at 10:01 am rating: 4
Agatha, I think it says “Eat Crotch”, not “Bat Crotch”. Don’t worry, Robin is ass-hurt about it, too.
But, I give kudos to the person who planned ahead for this Valentine’s Day social assassination. Perfect! What do we do for Mother’s Day for insane monsters-in-law? She lives (exists) too far away to personally drop off a flaming bag of poo at her door, and FedEx has a “no-poo” delivery policy. Ideas, anyone?
Feb 14, 2009 at 10:44 am rating: 0
Blue, I didn’t even realize I’d made the mistake. I had an instant vision of Homer Simpson singing the Batman theme and through some mental mishap, did not type clearly.
To answer your question, I think some would suggest the old anthrax-in-your-mail trick, but it would be ill advised. Maybe hire a florist to kick her in the kneecap after delivering a bouquet of dead flowers?
Feb 15, 2009 at 6:15 pm rating: 1
“In my life
I hope I lie
and tell everyone you were a good wife
and I hope you die
I hope we both die!”
My favorite valentine’s day song.
Feb 14, 2009 at 10:49 am rating: 2
Dang it! I went over to my girlfriends house to pick her up for our date, and this guy named Chris Hansen was there?
Seriously, WTF? That little bitch was cheating on me with that 30 Y.O. POS? I knew I should have gone for her 15 year old sister instead. But noooo, I had to fall for that lying 8 year old.
Feb 14, 2009 at 9:26 pm rating: 0
/no, too creepy
Feb 15, 2009 at 2:20 pm rating: 4
/no, too completely unrelated to the note
Feb 15, 2009 at 2:27 pm rating: 3
better on paper
I’ve always wanted to get a special batch of conversation hearts made up with similar sayings.
Feb 15, 2009 at 11:08 pm rating: 0
Feb 17, 2009 at 6:21 am rating: 0
This pretty much sums up how my v-day went…
Apr 7, 2009 at 12:40 pm rating: 0
Happy Valentine’s Day to my son…and the harlot with whom he’s living in sin. | PassiveAggressiveNotes.com
[...] Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone! [...]
Feb 14, 2011 at 8:28 am rating: 0
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