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He’s just not that into unicorns

February 15th, 2009 · 97 comments

Two target customers for Lisa Frank’s new line of movie tie-in stickers — coming soon to the Hot Topic/Urban Outfitters near you!

Dear Tyler, I painted you a valentine turtle and you said you would meet me earlier so I could give it to you, but YOU LIED! So, I am taping it to your door. Happy Valentine's day!  I don't think we should see each other any more.  Love, Molly!

(Above, from Colorado. Below, from California.)

Amor,  I'm really disappointed in you. You are not my better half instead my Bitter Half!

related: Do not kiss on someone else’s kiss
extra credit: The legend of Casey™ and Caymus™

FILED UNDER: California · college life · Colorado · heart · nice stationery · rainbow-colored · sig o · signed with love · spurned lover

97 responses so far ↓

  • #1   better on paper bang

    The Fact that she closes with “Love Molly” and a rainbow unicorn makes this PAN even better.

    All the best hate mail is signed with “love”

    Feb 15, 2009 at 11:07 pm   rating: 30  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   Canthz_B bang

      It takes real talent to make teardrops look like flowered stationery.

      Feb 15, 2009 at 11:55 pm   rating: 22  small thumbs up

  • #2   Heroin

    My word, that paper is filthy.

    Feb 15, 2009 at 11:21 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   unfortunate names

      Judging from all that grease, maybe the bitter half was trying to stay away from the bigger half

      Feb 16, 2009 at 6:53 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

  • #3   zombieBlanco bang

    Valentine Turtle: The Easter Bunny’s not-so-famous second cousin.

    Feb 15, 2009 at 11:27 pm   rating: 55  small thumbs up

  • #4   TheOldSchool bang

    Tyler? Where he from? He is Serb, no? Why he has Lisa Frank? The paper — she’s greasy.

    Molly: you, me, sleep, yes? Unicorns. I love. No shell, like turtle. Big horn. He pokes. I poke you.

    Feb 15, 2009 at 11:28 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   MAMARILLA2 bang

      Perhaps ,with an accent, she misunderstood that he loved HIS ‘turtlehead’ and wanted to share it with her.

      Feb 16, 2009 at 10:51 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #5   whOOt

    Oh SNAP!

    Feb 15, 2009 at 11:33 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   Canthz_B bang

      Oh snapping turtle?

      Feb 15, 2009 at 11:47 pm   rating: 23  small thumbs up

    • #5.2   Craniac

      That turtle looks awfully psychedelic to me. I wonder what Molly’s on. Just high on love?

      Feb 16, 2009 at 4:58 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #5.3   Mark bang

      Probably not not licking toads.

      (note: that is not a typo)

      Feb 16, 2009 at 5:03 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

  • #6   Canthz_B bang

    Maybe Amor is just chicken…captured by the colonel, he’s your batter half. He’s better with 11 herbs and spices!

    Feb 15, 2009 at 11:41 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   agatha christie

      The secret ingredient is salt.

      Feb 16, 2009 at 8:09 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #7   Canthz_B bang

    Tyler was just a little late…what did you expect?…He’s a damned turtle.

    Feb 15, 2009 at 11:44 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   mamason bang

      Tyler was home all along. He is painfully shy with commitment issues. He really needs to come out of his shell.

      Feb 17, 2009 at 11:28 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

  • #8   Canthz_B bang

    Turtle ♥ means she likes it slow and steady.

    Feb 15, 2009 at 11:48 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

  • #9   Sirius bang

    Dear Tyler,
    I’m sorry if my turtle wasn’t pretty enough. I started with blue and green but it seemed to need red. Lots of red.

    I’m a little weak from all the blood loss, so I think I’ll just tape it to your door and go lie down. We probably won’t see each other anymore.

    Love, Mol
    . .
    . .

    Feb 15, 2009 at 11:52 pm   rating: 52  small thumbs up

  • #10   Sirius bang

    On another note :)
    Judging from the paper, I’m thinking butter half

    Feb 15, 2009 at 11:54 pm   rating: 19  small thumbs up

  • #11   Canthz_B bang

    I heard a song once where a guy had a Bi Her half. “Jimmy’s Got A Little Bit Of Bitch In Him”. Why frown?…Even the sun goes down!

    Feb 16, 2009 at 12:00 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #12   Canthz_B bang

    I’m sending my love to you,
    I hope it gives you a smile.
    My heart I’m sending to you,
    On the shell of a reptile.

    Feb 16, 2009 at 12:10 am   rating: 29  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   Steph

      I’m so sorry – I’d laugh, but a turtle is an amphibian…

      Feb 16, 2009 at 8:18 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #12.2   anglophile bang

      Eh, poetic license. It’s hard to come up with a rhyme for amphibian, take it from someone who knows.

      Feb 16, 2009 at 8:41 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #12.3   teeg

      obsidian? as in, a heart that’s all shrivelled up and hard as. Go, Canthz B!

      Feb 16, 2009 at 8:48 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #12.4   aaa

      Steph, I can’t tell if you’re being facetious or not. I really hope you are…

      Feb 16, 2009 at 8:54 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #12.5   Wade bang


      though a turtle can live on both land and water,
      it is no more an amphibian than an otter.

      Feb 16, 2009 at 8:57 am   rating: 25  small thumbs up

    • #12.6   OrionsFire

      Turtles…are reptiles, Steph.

      Feb 16, 2009 at 9:00 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #12.7   aaa

      Damn not-gigglebraxing…

      Feb 16, 2009 at 10:59 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #12.8   Sue-238

      i’ll laugh!



      Feb 16, 2009 at 6:44 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #12.9   Canthz_B bang

      They really need to get stimulus money to the schools. :roll:

      Feb 16, 2009 at 8:28 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #12.10   Canthz_B bang

      Just in case those funds never show up: Turtles are reptiles of the order Testudines.

      Really. I’m not kidding. Look it up. ;-)

      Feb 16, 2009 at 9:08 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #12.11   fluffy8u bang

      Sue- you have a very pretty laugh!

      Feb 17, 2009 at 12:46 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #13   Maud

    At least he likes Lisa Frank, which means they must have something in common.

    Feb 16, 2009 at 12:21 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   MAMARILLA2 bang

      He probably stole the paper from his little sister so that he could appear sensitive and caring. She has probably been carrying it around since it was bought for her until she could find the very special use for it. Now she cries.

      Feb 16, 2009 at 12:03 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #14   Wolverine Girl

    Tyler, you LEED! How could you!

    Feb 16, 2009 at 1:18 am   rating: 29  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   fluffy8u bang

      It took me 10 minuets and the help of my sister to figure out it said “lied.”

      Feb 17, 2009 at 1:24 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #14.2   Mishee bang

      It took me 15 minutes to figure out that you weren’t dancing to Bach with your sister before I figured out that you said “minutes”.

      Feb 17, 2009 at 1:41 pm   rating: 27  small thumbs up

  • #15   Neeners

    I’m wondering how old these people are 8 or 9 maybe? I remember having super cute stationary like that when I was that age. Molly, a guy who writes on stationary by Lisa Frank is going to try and wear your underwear when your not around, so kudos for dumping him. Wondering what those oily marks are but maybe I shouldn’t ask.

    Feb 16, 2009 at 1:39 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   Canthz_B bang

      Try what and wear her underwear?
      When her what is not around?
      I’m confusled. :???:

      Feb 16, 2009 at 2:21 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #15.2   Juliet

      Wait, I thought Molly wrote the note for Tyler on the flowery stationary, not that Tyler wrote the note. How do you know the stationary is Tyler’s?

      Feb 16, 2009 at 2:11 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #15.3   Sue Do Nim bang

      It’s stationary; it doesn’t move.

      Feb 16, 2009 at 7:12 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #15.4   Neeners

      Your right to be confusled I obviously shouldn’t post when drinking margaritas. If I had read I would have noticed they are not related, but maybe they should get together. I should start an online match making service for Lisa Frank fans…..

      I am going to go write in my Lisa Frank diary now about how I need to pay more attention.

      Feb 17, 2009 at 11:12 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #15.5   Canthz_B bang

      Margaritas!…You should have shared! :-D

      All’s fair in love and jokes! ;-)

      Feb 17, 2009 at 11:22 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #16   Jessica

    I get the feeling that Molly would sing The Sound of Music’s “My Favorite Things” and replace certain words with “Valentine Turtles” after placing this note.

    She doesn’t feel so bad anymore.

    Feb 16, 2009 at 3:58 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   MAMARILLA2 bang

      When did we replace the warm-blooded fuzzy cute valentines day mascots with cold-blooded hard shelled turtles. Was the memo sent, did I miss it? I’m calling HR…

      Feb 16, 2009 at 10:58 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #16.2   aaa

      You’re just prejudiced against the exothermic. Just because they can’t produce their own body heat, it doesn’t mean they can’t feel. Okay, they probably aren’t complex enough to feel emotions, but the vertebrates can at least feel pain!

      Feb 16, 2009 at 11:03 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #16.3   Ti O bang


      Feb 16, 2009 at 11:12 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #16.4   MAMARILLA2 bang

      some of my best friends are exothermic….(blushes uncomfortably)

      Feb 16, 2009 at 11:18 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #16.5   The_Great_G

      I believe that you mean endothermic. Exothermic means that energy [heat] is released to the surroundings. Endothermic means that energy from the surroundings to the system. eg: a turtle sitting in the sun to absorb the light

      Feb 16, 2009 at 3:12 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #16.6   aaa

      No, I mean exothermic. There are two definitions of exo/endothermic, the chemical/physical and the biological. Your definition is the chemical/physical, mine is the biological. Endothermic animals produce heat from their metabolic processes, exothermic (or ectothermic) animals must acquire their heat from their environment.

      Feb 16, 2009 at 3:48 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #16.7   hamburke

      okay, slightly off topic, but why do biology people take words that chem/phys people use A LOT and make them mean the opposite? It’s confusing for everybody.

      Feb 16, 2009 at 9:34 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #16.8   The_Great_G

      @aaa: My b. I believe I’ve heard of ectothermic animals, but not endo and exo. You guessed it: I’m a chem person
      @hamburke: Good point.

      Feb 16, 2009 at 9:39 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #16.9   se

      Wow, chem person, biology person, but neither is familiar with the 2nd law of thermodynamics?
      heat always flows to colder environment.
      Turtle soaks up sunlight to get warm.
      No one has taken your precious fucking words and made them mean the opposite.

      Feb 16, 2009 at 10:48 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #16.10   Canthz_B bang

      Nor is everyone confused. ;-)

      Feb 16, 2009 at 11:26 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #17   C

    Lisa Frank shit is still around?! I was talking about it the other day at work and nobody under age 24 had even heard of it.

    Feb 16, 2009 at 7:41 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   anglophile bang

      Or apparently, anyone over the age of thirty-coughmumblecough.


      Feb 16, 2009 at 10:12 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #17.2   aaa

      I’m only 20 and I had some Lisa Frank shit when I was six and seven.

      But I’ve seen Lisa Frank shit in Walgreen’s and shit not too long ago and was surprised to see it. But, alas, like everything else from my childhood it seems, they redesigned it and made it more up-to-date for the youngins today. Why did you have to ruin Polly Pocket and the Littlest Pet Shop you dicks?!?!?!

      Feb 16, 2009 at 11:08 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #17.3   Ti O bang

      “I’ve seen Lisa Frank shit in Walgreen’s” :shock:
      If Lisa Frank shits in walgreen’s won’t there be a fecal mist over everything?
      Oh to be able to paste the toilet humor cartoon of Lisa Frank shitting on a Walgreen’s floor in this little comment box.

      Feb 16, 2009 at 11:43 am   rating: 22  small thumbs up

    • #17.4   MAMARILLA2 bang

      Don’t you have to have a name like Brittany or Heather to qualify for Lisa Frank?

      Feb 16, 2009 at 11:51 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #17.5   aaa

      Well, when Lisa Frank defecates, it comes out all rainbowy and with gigantic eyes.

      Feb 16, 2009 at 12:13 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

    • #17.6   Ti O bang

      When Lisa Frank shits it comes out like rainbow colored and in the shapes of adorable big eyed Koala bears holding rainbows. and it smells like toll house cookies and love.

      Feb 16, 2009 at 12:39 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #17.7   Ti O bang

      Thanks aaa for reassuring me a wonderful kaleidoscope of happy poo.

      Feb 16, 2009 at 12:48 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #17.8   MAMARILLA2 bang

      Happy poo.. Isn’t that a new show on Nick jr.

      Feb 16, 2009 at 12:52 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #17.9   Themiki bang

      Everything awesome from my childhood has been reimagined to look sluttier. The Lisa Frank characters all look like strippers now, and even the new version of Littlest Pet Shop Pets look vaguely like streetwalkers. Guess the toys have to match the sweats you buy your six-year-old that say “Juicy” across the ass…

      Feb 16, 2009 at 1:25 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

  • #18   CCPablo

    Estas son las palabras más voy a escribir. Mi boca es sed por falta de tu beso. El viento sopla de los buques en el puerto y se le ha ido. Mientras escribo estas palabras amargas lágrimas mi mancha este documento. Lágrimas que desembocan en el océano y después de usted.

    Feb 16, 2009 at 8:26 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   Wade bang

      No hay miel sin hiel.

      Feb 16, 2009 at 11:16 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #18.2   MAMARILLA2 bang

      Dices que me vas a soplar?

      Feb 16, 2009 at 11:52 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #18.3   Sue Do Nim bang

      Donde esta la biblioteca?

      Feb 16, 2009 at 7:16 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #18.4   Ti O bang

      Podemos ir a la biblioteca y pedir libros de cocina.

      Feb 16, 2009 at 8:21 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #19   QuarterRoy00 bang

    I’m confused as to why Molly felt the need to add an exclamation point to the end of her sign-off. Maybe to represent the unicorn?

    Feb 16, 2009 at 8:28 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #20   aaa

    Y’know, that last note really isn’t that PA. All my communication with my SOs in the past has been via tiger (or heart or dragon or Invader Zim or whatever the anime character du jour is)-emblazoned note. I mean, it’s healthy to make clever quips (or just scream at them) at their expense in a note written on little girl stationary posted in a public place for all to see, right? I mean, there’s some other reason why I’m living by myself with my trained rats, right?

    Feb 16, 2009 at 8:32 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

  • #21   GhostWriter bang

    That first note is so ripped from the “Valentine’s Daze” episode of “Flight of the Conchords”

    In the end, Jemaine got a Valentine turtle tattoo on his ass, so Mel would stop whining.

    Feb 16, 2009 at 9:21 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #22   claw71 bang

    Tyler’s response is so catty, I can almost feel the lisp. Plus, the guy is named Tyler and it would appear that he owns at least one prissy notebook. Something tells me Tyler stood Molly up in favor of a little guy on guy action. Totally not gay, of course, but sometimes a dude just wants to wrap his lips around another dude’s penis.

    Feb 16, 2009 at 10:04 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #22.1   aaa

      My parents just don’t get me, you know.
      They think I’m gay just because
      they saw me kiss a guy.
      Well, a couple guys. But I mean, it’s the 2000′s.
      Can’t 2 … or 4 dudes make-out with
      each other without being gay?
      I mean, chicks dig that kind of thing anyways.

      Feb 16, 2009 at 10:49 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #22.2   claw71 bang

      On craigslist there are plenty of dudes who dig on dudes who are totally not gay.

      DWM seeks couple. I want to suck you off while your wife watches. No contact with her necessary. No recipraction needed.

      NO SINGLE MEN!!!! I’m not gay! This is all about her. The woman must be in the room for me to suck another man to completion.

      Feb 16, 2009 at 11:26 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #22.3   aaa

      So I guess some wives get a kick out of being cuckolded, too?

      Feb 16, 2009 at 11:37 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #22.4   Themiki bang

      My roommate brings these guys home all the time, minus the letting the wife watch part. They’re mostly creepy assholes, and some of them are so swishy that I have a hard time believing their wives are unaware of their extracirricular activities.

      Feb 16, 2009 at 1:35 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #22.5   Juliet

      It’s never gay if there is a woman present.

      Feb 16, 2009 at 2:17 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #23   Ti O bang

    Lisa Frank is not as well known as her Dutch cousin. Eventually Lisa’s writing output was reduced to nothing and she concentrated on her girly stationery and unicorn ranching businesses.

    Feb 16, 2009 at 10:44 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

  • #24   GhostWriter bang

    Please note that this painting is the LAST in a series of Nature Love images that you will receive, Tyer, unless you RENEW NOW!!

    Feb 16, 2009 at 10:50 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

  • #25   aaa


    Tyler didn’t meet you to pick up his hideous valentine turtle because he was in a car accident and now is a vegetable. So no, he won’t be seeing you anymore. Feel better now?

    Tyler’s mom

    P.S. It’s just as well. I really didn’t like you that much, anyway.

    Feb 16, 2009 at 10:59 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

  • #26   GhostWriter bang

    As Molly’s stages of grief progress towards acceptance, she plays her final card; informing Tyler that it is she (not him!) who has chosen to end this relationship.

    Feb 16, 2009 at 11:15 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #27   Woman on the Verge bang

    Can you draw this turtle? If so, you could have a career in comics!

    Sorry, had a flashback. Too many cold meds.

    Feb 16, 2009 at 2:12 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #27.1   Bunnee

      She thought about drawing the pirate or the puupy, but a turtle says “I love you” like no other crudely drawn trace-job can.

      Feb 17, 2009 at 9:53 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #28   secondsout bang

    Perhaps it’s just me, but the unicorn’s tail resembles a dollop of rainbow-colored toothpaste. Looks terrible.

    Feb 16, 2009 at 3:25 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #29   zombie kid

    “I like turtles…”

    Feb 16, 2009 at 3:28 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #29.1   Abe Froman

      If you are referring to that wierd interview where the kid replied “I like turtles….”, I get it!

      If not, you’ll just think I’m wierd for mentioning it, and I highly suggest you view it! Don’t ask where to find it, however.

      If I am totally taking your post out of context, I’ll just agree with you and say “I like turtles, too!”

      Feb 16, 2009 at 4:53 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #29.2   zombieBlanco bang

      I can’t believe I missed the obvious zombie-turtle connection!

      Feb 16, 2009 at 5:25 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #29.3   Woman on the Verge bang

      Damn zombie turtles.

      Feb 16, 2009 at 6:09 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #29.4   Sue-238

      haha I remember that! FunFact: the reporter asking the question is actually my friend’s mom.

      Feb 16, 2009 at 6:53 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #29.5   tinkerbell2

      write out ten times:


      Feb 18, 2009 at 8:16 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #30   secondsout bang

    Doesn’t sound like Tyler is losing much. Girl, it’s Valentine’s Day and he doesn’t give a SHIT about your valentine turtle painting. Be more realistic about what he wants.

    Feb 16, 2009 at 3:29 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #31   Zhopka

    She called it “painting”.

    Feb 16, 2009 at 4:13 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #31.1   Woman on the Verge bang

      In a world filled with Lisa Frank stationary, that turtle is painting.

      Feb 16, 2009 at 6:10 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #32   joequincy

    oddly enough… I used to know both Tyler and Molly.

    Good to see the girl hasn’t changed a bit. Validates the fact that I ignore her.

    Mar 7, 2009 at 12:07 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #33   really though — carnations?

    [...] related: he’s just not that into unicorns [...]

    Mar 9, 2009 at 3:26 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #34   girls gone wild…with colored markers

    [...] decide: which masterpiece is most worthy of the lisa frank award for the most artistic expression of repressed [...]

    Mar 10, 2009 at 5:09 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #35   Eliot

    What about unitards!? Is he just not that into unitards?

    Mar 11, 2009 at 5:13 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up


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