Phil the vampire slayer

February 23rd, 2009 · 90 comments

Travis’s bud Josh — a cable guy in Delaware — snapped this photo while out on a repair call.

Phil  Thanks to you This Park is Now Vampire Free [Eat More Garlic!] Love, The Harts

Meanwhile, Elaine in California is wondering if Phil makes housecalls, too.  “I always get up and open the blinds in the morning to let the light in,” she says. “As soon as my roommate gets up, she immediately closes all of them.”

Light = EVIL :)

related: Oxford drama

FILED UNDER: California · Delaware · roommates · signed with love · smiley · WTF?


90 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Lorelie

    And damn it, now where am I supposed to practice my Buffy skills without live targets? Or undead, as the case may be.

    Feb 23, 2009 at 12:03 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   claw71 bang

      Do you have an adaptive outreach program in your area? You know, the place that buses disabled people to warehouses so they can transition them into the workforce? I realize that they aren’t much of a challenge but some of those punks can really take a hit.

      Feb 23, 2009 at 1:11 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.2   unfortunate names

      claw you are a genius!

      Feb 23, 2009 at 8:03 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.3   Hall Monitor

      Ahh, the true heroes always go unsung. God bless you, Phil.

      Hall Monitor

      Feb 23, 2009 at 11:03 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.4   Canthz_B bang

      I wish I’d said that, claw.
      This threat could have hit 300 comments! :-P

      Feb 24, 2009 at 1:57 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   eddy

    I prefer closed blinds myself.

    Oh yeah, and the obligatory “That garlic was fucking delicious.”

    Feb 23, 2009 at 12:04 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   Ozark

      Well Eddy, that’s because you’re a damned VAMPIRE.
      (No one believes you about the garlic.)

      Mar 14, 2009 at 4:22 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #3   Wade bang

    The latest sequel to Buffy the Vampire Slayer:

    Phil the Garlic Eater

    Feb 23, 2009 at 12:08 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   Canthz_B bang

      Please tell me that Phil the Garlic Eater telecommutes.

      Feb 23, 2009 at 9:04 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.2   fluffy8u bang

      No, not sequel, spin off. Alas, it’ll go the way of “Angel” before we know it.

      Feb 24, 2009 at 6:20 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   Mishee bang

    The vampire free parks are never quite as fun as the ones with the vampires.

    Feb 23, 2009 at 12:11 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   Flaboy2425

      There’s a killjoy in every park. Vampires, unite!

      Feb 23, 2009 at 1:03 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   Wade bang

    i thought Light=√¯(E/m)

    Feb 23, 2009 at 12:15 pm   rating: 42  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   Andy

      The speed of light, dude. Always remember to check your units!

      Feb 23, 2009 at 12:45 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.2   emc

      I always check my unit like Mickey Rourke on a red carpet.

      Feb 23, 2009 at 1:09 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.3   Wade bang

      Andy + ( literal understanding of c in equation E=mc² ) = :roll:

      Feb 23, 2009 at 1:21 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.4   Ti O bang

      :lol: :lol:

      :razz: :razz:

      c = 1
      :roll: :roll:

      .
      . :grin:

      Feb 23, 2009 at 1:28 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.5   mamason bang

      Wade, do you need a hand checking your unit? I’d be happy to help.

      Feb 23, 2009 at 1:57 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.6   Joe

      Wade + (butchering science) = the new dark age

      Feb 23, 2009 at 7:14 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.7   Canthz_B bang

      If we go back to Einstein’s first paper on relativity, we find that the speed “c” is involved, not because we considered light instead of some other energy form, but because “c” is the speed at which time becomes, in a sense, equivalent to space, as the preceding article in this series illustrates. The fact that “c” is also the speed of light in a vacuum is coincidental.

      http://www.osti.gov/accomplishments/nuggets/einstein/speedoflight.html

      Feb 23, 2009 at 8:39 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.8   Wade bang

      Joe – (sense of humor) = well, Joe

      ;)

      Feb 23, 2009 at 11:40 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.9   Joe

      (sense of humor) = 0

      Solved! Humor has no value!

      Feb 24, 2009 at 8:50 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.10   anglophile bang

      Well, I guess everything’s relative, Joe.

      Feb 24, 2009 at 9:08 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.11   Sirius bang

      Thanks for the science lesson, Joe!

      Feb 24, 2009 at 10:54 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.12   Wade bang

      A sense of humor ∉ Joe

      :)

      Feb 24, 2009 at 12:02 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.13   mamason bang

      Wade + anything = Total awesomeness x infinity

      Feb 24, 2009 at 2:20 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.14   Ti O bang

      W+ Αa = Τ α . ∞

      Feb 24, 2009 at 2:32 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.15   mamason bang

      Thanks for rewriting the equation correctly, Timo. Having been raised Amish I wasn’t given any education past 2nd grade. I can read a little and I know some math. Just enough so that I can count the kids and measure fabric. :-P

      Feb 24, 2009 at 2:43 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.16   Ti O bang

      I ♥ your sweet amish ass mama and yer one of those homegrown geniuses. I was just helping. :grin:
      I can cipher and I know all of my naughts.

      Feb 24, 2009 at 2:50 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.17   fluffy8u bang

      Bah! My head hurts! I come to PAN to read angry notes not to discuss math theories!

      Feb 24, 2009 at 6:22 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   canadian deadhead

    well, at least he’s ‘phil’-ing a need (sorry, couldn’t resist)…

    Feb 23, 2009 at 12:29 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #7   anglophile bang

    It’s a shame that at the same age as we are likely to have roommates, we are also self-absorbed idiots. It only occured to me about five years after the fact that the reason I always had to open the curtains in my dorm room was because my roommate liked them closed. Sorry, Robin!

    Feb 23, 2009 at 12:34 pm   rating: 25  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   Mishee bang

      anglo – Sounds the same as the reason I like to post about myself.

      No wait.. what am I talking about? Everybody wants to hear about The Mishee™!!

      Feb 23, 2009 at 12:53 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.2   anglophile bang

      I was just thinking sadly to myself how many threads we have gone without a truly Mishee-centric comment section and when this entire website would get back to its one and only purpose: To Become One With Mishee.

      Feb 23, 2009 at 1:01 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.3   claw71 bang

      I rather like it when you leave those blinds open, glo.

      Feb 23, 2009 at 1:13 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.4   Ti O bang

      Mishee™ the Vampire puncher!

      I say you should leave your blinds, drapes and shutters open just in case you might espy Mishee™ and what joy that would bring!

      *nods vigorously*

      Feb 23, 2009 at 1:15 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #8   Shawn

    Pardon the pun, but aren’t you just dying to know the backstory to Phil the Vampire Slayer?

    Feb 23, 2009 at 12:45 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   Bunnee

      I’m guessing Phil had really bad breath and this was The Harts’ way of letting him know. Either that, or they found a box of wooden stakes, garlic and mirrors at Phil’s place while they were over there planning their monthly RV excursion.

      Feb 23, 2009 at 1:30 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.2   Wolverine Girl

      RV as in randy vampire?

      Feb 24, 2009 at 7:49 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #9   Ti O bang

    Vampire skateboarding is not a crime.

    Feb 23, 2009 at 12:46 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #10   Flaboy2425

    If light = evil, then why does so much evil happen at night?

    Also, if the roomie wants a darker room she should close the blinds with the inside edge of the slats pointing upward instead of downward which would also discourage peeping Thomas frem getting any satisfaction there.

    Feb 23, 2009 at 1:01 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   Hmmm...

      You get less light with them pointed downwards

      Feb 23, 2009 at 1:05 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.2   Joe bang

      “You get less light with [the inside edges] pointed downwards”

      Only if the sun is below you.

      Feb 23, 2009 at 1:25 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.3   Flaboy2425

      10-Q, Joe.

      Feb 23, 2009 at 2:33 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.4   Krystal Pistol

      Don’t let the sun go down on you. It burns.

      Feb 26, 2009 at 9:39 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #11   claw71 bang

    With today’s economy forcing more and more people to live on the street it wouldn’t hurt to have a few vampires around to keep the homeless population in check.

    Feb 23, 2009 at 1:03 pm   rating: 26  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   Ti O bang

      It is times like these when we need to “thin the herd” as it were. What better way than Vampires bleeding out hobo crazies in the park. Now if they could just take on the handicap it would free up some parking spaces.

      Feb 23, 2009 at 1:18 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.2   Mishee bang

      Those handicapped (i.e. “cripples”) have surprising upper body strength Timo.

      I mean, I heard about this one person who got hit by a car and then dragged themselves out of harm’s way all the way to the curb

      On second thought, maybe they were a vampire also?

      Feb 23, 2009 at 1:22 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.3   Canthz_B bang

      I can just see all of the drunken vampires now, trying to stagger back to their coffins before sunrise!
      That BAC was Fu—oh, never mind! :-P

      Feb 23, 2009 at 9:35 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #12   Phalange

    I was trying to fang interest in Phil the Vampire Slayer, but I just don’t see what’s at stake.

    Feb 23, 2009 at 1:15 pm   rating: 23  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   Sirius bang

      You suck.

      Feb 23, 2009 at 4:03 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.2   Phalange

      Don’t get all batty on me.

      Feb 23, 2009 at 4:20 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #13   Joe bang

    “EAT MORE Garlic!”? Have those Chick-fil-A cows found another target?

    Feb 23, 2009 at 1:16 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

     
  • #14   Phalange

    Little known fact: Phil is actually the long lost descendent of Simon Belmont.

    Feb 23, 2009 at 1:19 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   Ti O bang

      Third cousin to Juste Belmont I believe.

      Feb 23, 2009 at 2:46 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #15   Icanseethroughyou

    There is nothing worse than waking from a warm cocoon of blankets in a dark room to being greeted by Chipper Mc Morningperson and their sunshine rays of happiness.

    Feb 23, 2009 at 1:28 pm   rating: 41  small thumbs up

     
  • #16   Icanseethroughyou

    …unfortunately, Phil sadly lost his battle with the Stay-Puft marshmallow man when he discovered garlic and stakes don’t do a damned thing against him.

    Feb 23, 2009 at 1:35 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   Mishee bang

      It actually does wonders…

      Garlicky marshmallows roasted on a stake?

      Nom nom.

      Feb 23, 2009 at 1:54 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.2   Icanseethroughyou

      ooo, intriguing… Maybe with some Ritz crackers and a little Nutella we can make S’mores!

      Feb 23, 2009 at 2:04 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #17   You Suck at Craigslist

    I thought vampires had more class than to haunt trailer parks. I mean, c’mon … they’re eternal, right? Any self-respecting vampire would have bought in the nice neighborhoods back in the 1800s when they were cheap.

    Feb 23, 2009 at 2:58 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   aaa

      Money can’t buy class. And neither can human blood.

      Feb 23, 2009 at 4:54 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #18   The Hearn

    As a Delawarean, I demand to know where I can find this and admire it in person.

    (Note: this isn’t even in the top 10 for crazy signs around here. We also have a company who is proud to display their name on a semi-major road not far from my home: “AnalTech.”)

    Feb 23, 2009 at 3:34 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   Mishee bang

      Does it employ Analrapists?

      Because I have been looking for a good place to go for both being analyzed and therapy simultaneously…

      Feb 23, 2009 at 4:07 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.2   The Hearn

      See for your own self: http://www.analtech.com/

      Some of the guys on the “about” page look decidedly…rape-y.

      Feb 23, 2009 at 4:11 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.3   Ti O bang

      “Anal Tech now ten times Rape-yer! ”

      Feb 23, 2009 at 4:37 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.4   aaa

      Damn, I wonder how hard they had to work to make something as innocuous and boring as thin layer chromatography so rape-y and disturbing. I mean, what, do they analyze their rape juice on their supposedly bitchin chromatography plates or something?

      Feb 23, 2009 at 4:51 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.5   mamason bang

      “For Ana, the adventure begins” 8-O

      It’s an Analtech adventure, right? Poor Ana.

      Feb 23, 2009 at 5:00 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.6   Ti O bang

      I will take “The rapist” Trebec for $1000

      Feb 24, 2009 at 1:08 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.7   Mishee bang

      Ti O – I was hoping you would choose the Penis Mightier for $600

      Feb 24, 2009 at 1:37 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.8   Frankie bang

      I will go with “Your ass or a hole in the ground” for $5,000.

      Feb 24, 2009 at 1:44 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #19   SuperMe

    vampire free pork?

    Feb 23, 2009 at 4:23 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #19.1   aaa

      Silly human, we’re too good to associate ourselves with such a lowly meat as pork.

      Feb 23, 2009 at 4:52 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.2   Sirius bang

      Per se

      Feb 23, 2009 at 5:17 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.3   se

      Why are you blaming me? I didn’t say that

      Feb 23, 2009 at 6:52 pm   rating: 20  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #20   Girl Friday

    Light = great taste and it’s less filling

    At least, that’s what they said on the pirate ship ride at the county fair…

    Feb 23, 2009 at 8:31 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #21   Jessica

    Did he kill Edward?!

    Feb 23, 2009 at 8:50 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #21.1   Lorelie

      God, we can only hope so.

      Feb 24, 2009 at 1:02 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #22   laura

    That’s what I was wondering, Jessica! But, Edward would be way too fast for some silly human. Maybe Phil just figured out what the Cullens really were and they had to move?

    Feb 23, 2009 at 9:20 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #23   Canthz_B bang

    Barnabas Collins has gotten back on his feet and moved out of the trailer park and back to Collinsport.
    It’s been hard for him since most third-shift jobs have been eliminated.

    Feb 23, 2009 at 9:42 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #23.1   raiseyourglass

      (Too weird. I just read they are remaking Dark Shadows.Insert spooky music here) Wonder if Barney’s staying in a double wide or single wide?

      Feb 23, 2009 at 10:20 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #24   se

    what really happened is that Wesley Snipes bought the whole trailer park and threatened to move in. The vampires couldn’t leave fast enough.

    Feb 23, 2009 at 10:10 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #24.1   Phalange

      Why, cause he’s black?

      Feb 24, 2009 at 7:38 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.2   Canthz_B bang

      Like Blade would live in a trailer park, ha!

      Feb 24, 2009 at 8:10 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.3   se

      thumbs up to you, CB. I was hoping the reference was obtuse enough to cause someone to complain about the comment.

      Feb 24, 2009 at 11:59 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.4   GhostWriter bang

      Shouldn’t Snipes be spending his time in a cell considerably smaller than a single-wide?

      Feb 24, 2009 at 1:13 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.5   se

      probably,yes, but who wants to let facts get in the way of fun?

      Feb 24, 2009 at 1:28 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #25   Phalange

    I hope I’m not the only one who gets the vampfangs.com ad on the bottom of the page. I’m really tempted to buy a pair of “the finest, most realistic fangs available.”

    “I think I’ll go with the fangs today Smithers…”

    Feb 24, 2009 at 7:40 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #25.1   Geek Goddesss

      No, I am getting whitesmoke.com – Premium English Writing Software. And these PANs haven’t even got any spelling errors!

      Feb 24, 2009 at 11:20 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #26   Wolverine Girl

    I think the vampire note would have been a bit more PAN if “love, the Harts” had embellished it with some pretty love hearts.

    Feb 24, 2009 at 7:55 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #27   Krystal Pistol

    Why aren’t vampires a protected minority? They really need better lobbyists.

    Feb 26, 2009 at 9:43 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     

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