The real thing

February 26th, 2009 · 97 comments

Our submitter is Santa Fe says not everyone at the New Mexico Department of Health was happy when the folks in charge decided to call their own bullshit and replace the candy and sodas in the vending machine with new “healthy” snacks.

(There is still a “junk food” vending machine in the building just one flight up, our submitter notes, but dammit if the boss man is gonna force full-grown adults to exercise!)

ENOUGH WITH THE FRUIT JUICES & DIET SODAS! I AM A FULL GROWN ADULT! I ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY FOR MY CHOICES! I WANT A REAL COKE!

related: Blame it on Coke

FILED UNDER: CAPS LOCK · Coke · raging against the machine · Santa Fe · vending machine drama


97 responses so far ↓

  • #1   MAMARILLA2 bang

    Its the real thing…
    I had a dream once where I had to buy real hostess from a corner dealer..Its not much easier to authenticate real hostess than it is to authenticate real meth.

    Feb 26, 2009 at 11:58 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   claw71 bang

      I hate when those hucksters try to pass off Zingers as Twinkies. I spot it everytime. And then that whore Little Debbie is always trying to switch HoHos for her ghetto-ass Swiss Cake rolls. Bitch. I do love her oatmeal cream pie, however. We all do.

      Feb 26, 2009 at 12:36 pm   rating: 51  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.2   Lorelie

      It’s pretty easy to authenticate real meth. Do you get higher than a kite and start taking apart phones, or does it burn your veins like battery acid?

      Oh, wait. Both.

      Huh.

      Feb 26, 2009 at 1:08 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.3   MAMARILLA2 bang

      And don’t you hate it when they cut the product with vitamins?

      *snif* I have a sudden and severe allergy to “pollen”.

      Feb 26, 2009 at 1:10 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   Jennie

    Judging by the handwriting the little side note was written in, someone’s had too much real coke… What the hell is up with the last word?

    ~Jennie

    Feb 26, 2009 at 12:07 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   sandy

      It says

      “go upstairs”
      “go to the mach there”

      Feb 26, 2009 at 12:52 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.2   SuperMe

      It actually says

      “go upstairs”
      “go to the snack bar”

      Feb 26, 2009 at 1:04 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.3   Lorelie

      “go up steve
      go to the
      nacho bar”

      I wish my office had a Steve we could climb randomly. A nacho bar wouldn’t be remiss, either.

      Feb 26, 2009 at 1:11 pm   rating: 25  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.4   MAMARILLA2 bang

      “smack bar”?

      Feb 26, 2009 at 1:12 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.5   Lorelie

      Mamarilla, would you like to super size your smack combo with a flogger?

      Feb 26, 2009 at 1:16 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.6   MAMARILLA2 bang

      With extra wheeze?

      Feb 26, 2009 at 1:24 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.7   SuperMe

      I used to have a Steve that I could climb randomly.

      Then he randomly discovered that he liked to climb Steve’s too.

      I stick to Paul’s these days.

      Feb 26, 2009 at 2:49 pm   rating: 26  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.8   mamason bang

      You should stick to Peters.

      Feb 26, 2009 at 4:34 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.9   Lorelie

      I like Willies, personally.

      Feb 26, 2009 at 4:47 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.10   Canthz_B bang

      I like Marys…with Mounds!

      Feb 26, 2009 at 9:57 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.11   MAMARILLA2 bang

      I love a good rodger…

      Feb 27, 2009 at 10:48 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.12   T

      Hot cherry pie.

      Feb 27, 2009 at 11:09 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #3   Nikki

    The best part of it all is that there’s evidence that suggests that diet sodas are actually worse for you than ‘real’ sodas.

    I hate when I go to a restaurant and order a coke and the server brightly suggests, “Diet?

    And no, I’m not at all overly squishy. They just assume that because I’m a girl I want nasty diet soda.

    Feb 26, 2009 at 12:12 pm   rating: 37  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   pry

      my husband orders diet because he’s diabetic, and when the server brings us our drinks he/she always gives the diet drink to me. i assume it’s because i’m the girl. (since i’m not “overly squishy” either.) what should we be doing about this silent injustice?

      Feb 26, 2009 at 12:26 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.2   claw71 bang

      Drug the server, drag him/her back to your basement, strip off all of his/her clothes and, when he/she comes to, force him/her to perform oral sex on both of you until he/she can taste the diabetes.

      Feb 26, 2009 at 12:45 pm   rating: 29  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.3   Goldie bang

      Order ice water. Or mineral. Both of you.
      If the server still brings a diet coke and gives it to you, then I say you should probably complain.

      Feb 26, 2009 at 12:55 pm   rating: 19  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.4   Lea

      Diet soda is hardly “healthy” and does not belong in a machine meant for “healthy snacks”. I’ve run into the same situation with servers – assuming that as a girl (and an underweight one at that!) I want a nasty tasting chemical laden no nutritional value what-so-ever diet soda.

      A lot of that juice is just full of things that are not really juice. It’s not that much better than any kind of soda.

      Feb 26, 2009 at 1:08 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.5   Lorelie

      I *am* a little squishy and no one asks if I want diet. . .

      Feb 26, 2009 at 1:12 pm   rating: 23  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.6   Lia

      I don’t care about the health benefits… I just love the burn from my Diet Coke!

      Feb 26, 2009 at 1:37 pm   rating: 24  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.7   heather em

      Oh. Oh man. i am now secretly waiting for a server to try this line on me. ::rubs hands together expectantly::

      Feb 26, 2009 at 4:27 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.8   aaa

      Well Nikki, pry, and Lea, we all know that the phenylalanine and other various crap in diet sodas goes straight to our vaginas. It’s the server’s job to ensure that our junk is toxic enough.

      Feb 26, 2009 at 4:46 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.9   Kibby

      Sadly, I’m kind of glad to hear that other girls deal with this. I was beginning to develop a complex about my (very nice) figure because every time a server brings me a refill, it’s diet and I know better than to complain and get a new drink.

      Feb 26, 2009 at 6:20 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.10   Kookaburra

      And sometimes I have a headache, and the only thing that will get rid of it quickly is a REAL Coke!

      Also diet gives me the shits like you wouldn’t believe.

      Feb 27, 2009 at 5:35 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.11   #1 stunna

      Pry, you should probably switch the diet soda in front of you with your husband’s regular soda. I think that would solve the problem.

      Feb 27, 2009 at 6:58 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   Holiday Djinn

    I am pretty sure cocaine is illegal in New Mexico. However, one can always wish eh?

    Feb 26, 2009 at 12:12 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #5   warinthepocket

    Underlining italics, doesn’t that negate it’s emphases? So, he really wants fake coke – after all, who can afford the real stuff in this economy?

    Feb 26, 2009 at 12:14 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   claw71 bang

      o No. You’re thinking quotation marks, but I’m not surprised by your confusion seeing as how you tried to get all witty about syntax only to drop an inexplicable apostrophe in the middle of what should have been its.

      Grammar is like old dynamite: it’s fun to blow shit up but eventually you drop a stick and send your own ass to kingdom come.

      Feb 26, 2009 at 12:26 pm   rating: 53  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.2   GhostWriter bang

      …as plainly illustrated in The Hills Have Eyes II

      Feb 26, 2009 at 4:59 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.3   liloleme

      “Grammar is like old dynamite: it’s fun to blow shit up but eventually you drop a stick and send your own ass to kingdom come.”
      –Claw71

      I just found my new favorite quote. Thanks Claw!

      Feb 26, 2009 at 6:42 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.4   Vic

      Claw, that’s brilliant! *writes it down for future use*

      Feb 27, 2009 at 6:54 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   claw71 bang

    Considering that my health insurance premium went up 40% this year thanks to the diabetic fatties who belly up to the vending machine six times a day for Funyons, Twinkies and 20 once bottles of high fructose corn syrup, I would love it if my employer replaced the unhealthy junk in our machines with slightly healthier alternatives. Hell, I wish they’d disable the elevators and force the herd to break a healthy sweat. You know, as opposed to the unhealthy sweat they all break into when they’re pooping.

    It’s not like there’s a law against bringing your own stuff to work anyway. I don’t like the shitty Maxwell House coffee my employer provides as a courtesy but instead of bitching, moaning and posting notes about it, I grind my own beans in the morning and avail myself of the convenience my French press mug provides. And because everybody knows that the office coffee snob doesn’t drink the company swill, I’m excluded from the coffee machine cleaning schedule. Yay me!

    I was also bummed when the vendor replaced my favorite Nature Valley granola bars with some awful chocolate dipped Keebler creation, so I went down to the local Kroger and bought my own damned snacks. Coincidentally, my granola bars are always fresh, intact and I’m saving about 30 cents per bar. By the end of the week that’s at least an extra $3.00 I can stuff into G-strings at Columbus Gold. That’s change I can believe in and I’m stimulating more than the economy.

    Feb 26, 2009 at 12:16 pm   rating: 82  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   warinthepocket

      Fat people help keep the economy moving, without them we would be in a depression.

      Feb 26, 2009 at 12:23 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.2   Goldie bang

      Can I come sit next to you Claw? I’ll grind your beans in the morning, and you’ll let me use your French press mug. Win-win.

      Feb 26, 2009 at 1:21 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.3   Shawn

      mmmmm….. Funyuns…

      Feb 26, 2009 at 2:36 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.4   aaa

      +500 points for claw since he has (and actually uses) a French press.

      Feb 26, 2009 at 4:47 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.5   Lorelie

      I wonder how many points I’ll lose for not even knowing what a french press is.

      Go team Starbucks! Lazy coffee for the win!

      Feb 26, 2009 at 4:49 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.6   you suck at craigslist

      I’ve been to Columbus Gold. If I walked in there with $3 I’d walk out with money left over.

      Feb 26, 2009 at 8:17 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.7   TheOldSchool

      aaa,

      Five hundred points is reasonable, but I’d suggest upping it to 1,000 if Claw has also managed to get his french press mug and “grinder” cleaned by others during their regularly scheduled clean-ups.

      Feb 27, 2009 at 11:01 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #7   amy d bang

    I AM A FULL GROWN ADULT!

    who is too lazy to walk up the stairs.

    I ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY FOR MY CHOICES!

    And I want the immediate gratification of a “real” vending machine right in front of my face.

    Feb 26, 2009 at 12:24 pm   rating: 29  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   claw71 bang

      Trading a binky for a P-A note does not make one an adult.

      Feb 26, 2009 at 12:31 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #8   Mishee

    Full grown adult?

    As opposed to a half grown adult?

    Feb 26, 2009 at 12:27 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   claw71 bang

      Midgets prefer to be called little people.

      Feb 26, 2009 at 12:32 pm   rating: 21  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.2   fantasy bang

      It must be perfectly obvious that you are not just full grown but still growing in leaps and bounds.

      *Real coke is fortified with growth chemicals and not the ones that make you taller.*

      Feb 26, 2009 at 2:36 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.3   Canthz_B bang

      fantasy, do you mean fatter, or “that special part of his anatomy”?

      Feb 26, 2009 at 10:08 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.4   fantasy bang

      I don’t know Canthz, my anatomy happens to be different.

      Show me yours and I will give you a Coke just to see.

      If it works, I am sure it will be quite the eye opener.

      Feb 27, 2009 at 12:58 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.5   Canthz_B bang

      Or quite the leg opener?

      Feb 27, 2009 at 7:53 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #9   C

    This full-grown adult sure sounds whiny. Can’t he/she bring in their own damn cans of Coca-Cola? It’s cheaper. Pack a mini-Igloo and save a buck (and a walk).

    Feb 26, 2009 at 12:35 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   gingerE

      Carrying 20 cans of soda to work every day is too much exercise.

      Feb 26, 2009 at 7:13 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #10   zenvelo

    I guess by asking for the HFCS -filled Coke, he doesn’t consider himself fully grown enough, another fifty pounds ought to do it…

    (and you just know it’s a “he”)

    Feb 26, 2009 at 1:08 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   MAMARILLA2 bang

      That would explain the whiny-ness and lack of creativity for fending for yourself.

      Feb 26, 2009 at 1:16 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #11   Bernd das Brot

    I WANT BACONNAISE!

    Feb 26, 2009 at 1:14 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   agatha christie

      I just threw up in my mouth a little.

      Feb 26, 2009 at 11:35 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.2   Bernd das Brot

      It’s an acquired taste.

      Feb 27, 2009 at 10:02 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.3   Tony

      What is, the Baconnaise or the vomit? ‘Cause I’m thinking I’d prefer the vomit.

      Feb 28, 2009 at 11:30 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #12   Brad

    Why not Pepsi? Where is the love for Pepsi? I WANT REAL PEPSI!

    Feb 26, 2009 at 1:39 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   liloleme

      All I wanted was a Pepsi….

      Feb 26, 2009 at 6:48 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.2   liloleme

      Just one Pepsi
      And she wouldn’t give it to me!

      No ST fans here?

      Feb 27, 2009 at 1:51 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #13   Kyle

    I’m a Man! I’m Forty! I’m not a Kid!

    Feb 26, 2009 at 1:48 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #14   fluffy8u

    Ladies and gentlemen, we at Coke have found our new slogan: “I want a real Coke!”

    Feb 26, 2009 at 2:21 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #15   Dennis N.

    And this sign is placed right in front of some HPV pamphlets? This office space is getting more and more unseemly by the minute.

    Feb 26, 2009 at 2:51 pm   rating: 19  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   mamason bang

      Good eye, Dennis.

      Feb 26, 2009 at 4:41 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.2   TheOldSchool

      Yes. Excellent work, Dennis. This department can use someone with your vision.

      Feb 27, 2009 at 10:48 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #16   aaa

    If you’re a full grown adult, then why are you relying on somebody else to supply your full-sugar sodas and junk food? Accept responsibility for your choices and buy your junk food at the Walgreen’s before you get to work.

    Feb 26, 2009 at 4:38 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

     
  • #17   Neeners

    The US Dept of Agriculture has added a new food group to the foodguide pyramid. The bottom level now lists sugar, fat, salt, alcohol tobacco, and drugs as proper nutrition for those nutrition savvy adults who take total responsibility for their choices.

    Hello people, it’s the Dept of Health. Go get your Little Debbie’s and coke at the Wal Mart vending machine or the welfare office vending machine.

    Feb 26, 2009 at 4:39 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   Mishee bang

      Good to know I am getting my “6 a day” then.

      I was worried about that.

      Well.. ok, I lied. I wasn’t really.

      Feb 26, 2009 at 5:05 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.2   Canthz_B bang

      Alcohol tobacco?

      No more buying both beer and cigarettes!

      Feb 26, 2009 at 10:11 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #18   makelikeacouplet bang

    Why can’t Diet Coke get any love? There is nothing more fantastic than actually TASTING the cancer you’ll eventually be afflicted with.

    Feb 26, 2009 at 4:44 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   graphicandnovel bang

      This comment also helps me to understand why people like to smoke…

      Feb 27, 2009 at 9:46 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #19   aaa

    Want a “real” Coke? Get the Mexican Coke of the grocery’s foreign section that has real sugar instead of high fructose corn syrup. ‘Cuz it won’t give you so much diabetes and doesn’t, y’know, taste like shit.

    Feb 26, 2009 at 4:49 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

     
  • #20   GhostWriter bang

    Not just a real Coke.

    I want a doobie as well!

    Feb 26, 2009 at 5:03 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #20.1   Mishee bang

      Don’t we all?

      Feb 26, 2009 at 5:06 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.2   Bunnee

      The day they sell those in vending machines will, unfortunately, never arrive. :(

      Feb 27, 2009 at 9:51 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #21   Ceed

    Am I the only person who doesn’t like other people policing my health choices for me? I’m not really on the side of the note writer either (fucking go upstairs already!), but there are many ideas out there about what is healthy (diet soda?? really???) and what isn’t healthy and I just wish everyone would mind their own business.

    I might be cranky because I am surrounded by people on weird diets who want to lecture me about random shit like how it’s bad that I cook my food or that I need to go on detoxes to cleanse by guts out. I have a liver to do that for me, thanks.

    (For the record I have always hated how soda tastes and always drink water. Not for health reasons either — I just like it the best.)

    Feb 26, 2009 at 5:58 pm   rating: 19  small thumbs up

    • #21.1   matt bang

      we have the same political BS over here in oz. the dep of health came crashing down on all the items with any trace of sugar/flavour and left the place full of phenal(blah blah) kind of crap. And I love it how packets say 95/99% fat free now, I wonder what kind of shit they found to pad out the rest of the product..

      Feb 26, 2009 at 8:38 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.2   mamason bang

      I refuse to ingest any food product that warns against an “uncontrollable oily discharge”.

      Feb 27, 2009 at 11:28 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #22   Canthz_B bang

    He’s lucky to work with people who will advise him to go upstairs to the snack room.
    Most people would have advised him to go down to a place considerably lower.

    Feb 26, 2009 at 11:47 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #23   J

    ‘healthy’ heh.

    the artificial sweeteners in diet softdrinks are much worse for you than mere refined sugar.

    Feb 27, 2009 at 12:28 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #23.1   Canthz_B bang

      And flushing with the lid up spreads fecal matter all over your home…it even gets on your toothbrush!

      Feb 27, 2009 at 12:45 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.2   Meesh

      And you can get diseases from a toilet seat in a public restroom!

      Feb 27, 2009 at 9:35 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.3   MAMARILLA2 bang

      And you can get pregnant from swimming in a public pool…

      Feb 27, 2009 at 1:02 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.4   Ti O bang

      I can! :shock:
      Holy crap that is scary!
      I would make millions though.

      Feb 27, 2009 at 1:15 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #24   Canthz_B bang

    If this guy would try some of the healthy snacks offered at his job, perhaps he wouldn’t feel so full.

    Feb 27, 2009 at 12:57 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #24.1   TheOldSchool

      CB,

      I think we’ve both done all we can to set the right example for him, but he still persists in sticking to his old slovenly habits.

      Let’s kill him at lunchtime.

      Feb 27, 2009 at 10:52 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #25   Kevin bang

    You know, if you’re the kind of guy who can’t walk upstairs to get a snack, then you’re probably the kind of guy who *needs* to walk upstairs to get a snack.

    Feb 27, 2009 at 1:22 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

     
  • #26   TheOldSchool

    Today’s H2Ohhhh Thirst 4 Knowledge Quencher:

    The planet Saturn is so lacking in density that, if placed in water, it would float.

    When it comes to being dense, we can run rings around Saturn.

    Feb 27, 2009 at 1:49 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #27   BaronVonTrinken

    In Germany we had beer in our barracks Coke machine.

    Feb 27, 2009 at 10:57 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

     
  • #28   TPS

    Our company vending machine had a suggestion sheet taped to the front of it. Half of the suggestions were versions of “MORE HEALTHY SNACKS”. The rest of us wrote more useful items such as Vicodin and tampons.

    Feb 27, 2009 at 11:20 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

     
  • #29   Danyell

    I think it’s funny when diet sodas are confused with healthy drinks. Like artificial sweeteners are healthy? Nutrasweet – anyone? And I don’t trust that Splenda one bit.

    Feb 28, 2009 at 1:28 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #30   replease

    That laziness was fucking delicious.

    Feb 28, 2009 at 3:26 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #31   Arch

    Whats with all the HPV booklets?? O_o!

    Mar 4, 2009 at 4:14 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #32   nutranot-so-sweet

    [...] related: the real thing [...]

    Jul 27, 2009 at 9:23 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #33   Warning: Take my last Diet Coke from the fridge and I WILL cut you. | PassiveAggressiveNotes.com

    [...] related: Enough with the diet sodas! [...]

    May 13, 2011 at 8:56 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     

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