Entries from March 2009

This!! Is how!! You know!! We mean it!!!

March 31st, 2009 · 128 Comments

Writes Desiree: “This is a note at the express (stamps-only counter) at a very busy post office in Washington, D.C.. They are apparently!! very!! uptight!! like everyone else in D.C. (myself included)!!”

STOP!! NO ADDRESSING!! NO PACKAGING!! OF ITEMS AT THIS COUNTER IS ALLOWED AT ANY TIME. THANK YOU, THE MANAGEMENT

Meanwhile!! in Florida…

DO [sic] TO EXTENSIVE FOOD THEFT!!! THIS ROOM IS NOW UNDER VIDEO SURVEILLANCE!!

And! in Los Angeles!

SAY!!! HI! HOW ARE YOU!! WITH SMILE SMILE! SMILE! SMILE!

related: This is why your postal worker is disgruntled

Tags: CAPS LOCK · clip art catastrophe · exclamation-point happy!!!! · going postal · spelling and grammar police · You call that punctuation?

More notes white (yuppie-ish) people leave

March 30th, 2009 · 247 Comments

Quelle horreur!  “A good week after using my roommate’s microplane to grate parmesan, this note showed up on the fridge whiteboard,” writes Tori in (where else?) San Francisco. “Apparently microplanes are for ZESTING ONLY!”

Microplane zester is not a cheese grater.

(unless, of course, it’s a microplane zester/grater.)

related: notes white people leave

Tags: "helpful" advice · kitchen · roommates · San Francisco · whiteboard

And yet…the pink flowers?

March 29th, 2009 · 81 Comments

Writes our anonymous submitter in Hartford, Connecticut: “We’re not much for posting notes in our restroom at work., so the situation must have been pretty dire for someone to go to the trouble to craft this one.”

I appreciate the initial sentiment here — I really do. this website has already condemned the cutesy rhyme that begins with “if you sprinkle when you tinkle” to a watery grave. so, for a brief flash in time, the note-writer had me. But then…the irregular Capitalizations, the excessive exclamation points!! and (seriously?) the pink flowery clip art…I’d say those make for some serious deductions in both the “technical merit” and “artistic impression” categories.

Ladies: None of this "If you sprinkle when you tinkle" crap. If you want to squat Go Ahead - BUT Have the DECENCY To clean up after YOURSELF! Those who sit will Appreciate it! As will the Cleaning staff!

Judges — what say you of the final tally?

related: the rhyme that must be flushed

Tags: bathroom · clip art catastrophe · exclamation-point happy!!!! · Hartford · inappropriate word EMPHASIS · irregular capitalization · office · piss · toilet

Do your stairs think you’re fat?

March 28th, 2009 · 100 Comments

Rachel in Victoria, B.C. found this somewhat puzzling bit of anthropomorphism (stairs have feelings? really?) posted in the elevator of her building. “My favourite part is ‘your bum will love it,’” Rachel says. “No better way to guilt trip people into ‘saving energy’ than by insinuating that they’re fat!”

Stairs have feelings too! They love being walked on and require no energy except your own which is LIMITLESS and FREE!  --your bum will love it

related: Hey, fatty

Tags: anthropomorphism · Canada · elevator · energy usage · excessive underlining · guilt trip · hey fatty

With an extra side-helping of spite

March 26th, 2009 · 127 Comments

The village of Irvington, New York, Aaron explains, is a quiet suburb of the Big Apple in Westchester County. “iI’s got one main drag, conveniently named Main Street, where all the major businesses are located,” he says. One day, ” a public services vehicle pulled up too far on the sidewalk for the local Italian deli owner to put up his lunchtime sandwich board.” The result? well, the daily specials had to go somewhere.

WED MENU: Pastrami, Chicken Parm, Meatballs, Chicken Noodle Soup

related: How Berkeley

Tags: New York · parking · restaurant

All the makings of a great Noah Baumbach screenplay

March 25th, 2009 · 248 Comments

Victoria in Foster city, California, says her brother taped this note to one of the kitchen cabinets in their mother’s house after her boyfriend took his own frozen chicken out of little brother’s grasp the night before. (Just to clarify that mess of pronouns: it was Victoria’s boyfriend’s chicken. Not that it really matters.)

Kitchen Rules

“He’s 17 and constantly PMS-ing and thinks he has reign of the house,” Victoria says of her brother. So, in response, Victoria did whatever any older sibling does when a parent tells you to suck it up and act your age. (Namely: exactly the opposite.)

New "house" rules: pubescent adolescents don't make house rules

all the makings of a great noah baumbach screenplay

all the makings of a great noah baumbach screenplay

related: no girls allowed

Tags: California · family · kitchen · not-so-veiled threats · rebuttals · siblings

But…but…I didn’t forget!

March 24th, 2009 · 94 Comments

My Grandma Cookie is 85 today! Won’t you join me in wishing her love, joy and a good day?

If you have a birthday and don't hear from your grandchildren, is it still a birthday?

And please, she’s got early bird reservations at the hibachi restaurant at 6 p.m. (Florida time, natch), so step on it, won’tcha?

related: An occasion that Blue Mountain Arts has yet to animate

extra credit: The Blue Mountain Arts e-card from Grandma Cookie that my brother Danny “forgot” to pick up

Tags: birthday · Grandma · guilt trip

But what about Hawaiian shirt day?

March 23rd, 2009 · 116 Comments

Our submitter, Glenn, says this all-staff e-mail “just kinda sucked the life out of us” around his office. “It was like a Mom saying ‘Guess what, kids?” in a really excited voice, and then saying ‘You’re going to the dentist!!!‘”

so, life is still good!

But the best part of this note — besides the pitch-perfect forced jollity — is the fact that at the time this message was sent, only one person in the office (Glenn) happened to have long sideburns and a “fun” faux hawk. So, gosh darn it, life is still good!

related: the classic all-staff e-mail

Tags: a little patronizing · all-staff e-mail · now that's management · office · rhetorical question · Texas

Oh, the Rancher and the McMansioner should be friends

March 22nd, 2009 · 221 Comments

Our anonymous submitter found several copies of this notice posted around her McMansion-filled neighborhood in Leander, Texas, just five charmingly rustic miles north of Austin proper. (If you’re a little short in the 4-H ribbon department, that’s your cue to shake your head and mutter “Pshaw, city folk!”)

Neighbors in Grand Mesa: I appreciate the concern as to the condition of my cattle. However, it is normal after calving that a cow looks "poor/starved." She also begins the nursing process that is a drain on her. I now have 6 spring calves. These are fed round bales on a regular basis as well as daily cattle feed. However, since you feel this is not enough, please feel free to contribute to their feed bill. You can send your contributions to [redacted]. Round bales are $55. Cubes $10 a bag. I do appreciate your concern and I look forward to your help in their care. And they will thank you too. Thanks too for calling the Williamson County Sheriff's Dept. It was good to see them again! They of course found no issue with the cattle.

related: If your grandma wrote PSAs

Tags: "helpful" advice · CAPS LOCK · horses, cows, & chickens · most popular notes of 2009 · MYOB · neighbors · Oops? · Texas · thanks (but not really)

The ripped-off tabs are what get me

March 18th, 2009 · 154 Comments

Veronica spotted this gloriously expressive exercise in futility stapled to a telephone pole near her home in San Francisco. I totally forgive the double p in “apartment,” because dude,  I know exactly how you feel.

Also, the idea of someone ripping off one of those tabs and going, “Why yes, I will fuck myself!” is just really tickling me right now.

FUCK YOU You stole our laptops from our appartment [sic], but I'm sure you needed them all, right? The pillow case you took them in, keep it. But the laptops, come on. What a fucking jerk.

related: untitled (broken glass)

Tags: California · CAPS LOCK · fuck fuckity fuck fuck · San Francisco · stealing