Five approaches to T.P. maintenance

March 3rd, 2009 · 137 comments

You could start with a basic visual aid…

Can you wipe with this? I can't. So please change out empty rolls!! They are behind you.

Or perhaps appeal to your readers’ sense of patriotism…

IF YOU DON'T REPLACE THE TOILET PAPER ROLLS THE TERRORISTS WIN. DO YOU HATE AMERICA?

…or go with a not-so-veiled threat.

If You Want To Keep Eating You Better Replace The Toilet Paper

Of course, you could just let your ass do the talking.

Brian, You make me sad. xo, Jen's Bum

But remember to cite your sources.

For clear, easy to understand directions on How to change the Fucking toilet paper TRY GOOGLE!

(Thanks to Ryan in West Palm Beach, Heather in Delaware, Julie in Marysville, Brian in British Columbia and bluepaintred in Canada for their advice on this matter.)

related: Four approaches to ice cube maintenance

FILED UNDER: bathroom · misplaced patriotism · not-so-veiled threats · toilet paper · visual aids


137 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Vic

    I’m not *totally* convinced that a kiss from Jen’s bum is going to convince Brian to mend his ways.

    But the typeface on #2 is nice. PAnotes don’t *have* to be Comic Sans.

    Mar 3, 2009 at 7:16 pm   rating: 20  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   Canthz_B bang

      Jen has some bum if it’s dexterous enough to give a hug with that kiss!

      Mar 3, 2009 at 10:06 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.2   Mishee bang

      How do we know this was hugs and kisses?

      For all we know she is second in command in her battalion of the Army!

      One day she hopes to be a CO….

      Mar 3, 2009 at 10:12 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.3   Canthz_B bang

      Or a football coach…

      Mar 3, 2009 at 10:18 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   amy d bang

    Doesn’t #5 know that men don’t read instructions?

    Mar 3, 2009 at 7:29 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   Mishee bang

      or maps…

      or love letters…

      or caution signs…

      or “one way: do not enter” signs…

      I’m surprised men know how to read at all, but then again, if they couldn’t, then how would they read the Playboy “articles”…?

      Just some food for thought…

      Mar 3, 2009 at 10:13 pm   rating: 23  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.2   Canthz_B bang

      Mishee, guys can read the “one way:” and “do not enter” tattoos on your butt cheeks…they just don’t see a cop around, and wouldn’t mind the ticket anyway! :-P

      Mar 3, 2009 at 11:41 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.3   anglophile bang

      After dating my boyfriend for almost a year and being the sole tp roll changer in that span, I have come to the conclusion that the empty roll I changed the first time I was in his house had probably been put on by his previous girlfriend.

      Mar 4, 2009 at 10:41 am   rating: 23  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.4   Mishee bang

      Or even his mother?

      Mar 4, 2009 at 10:52 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.5   anglophile bang

      I suppose it’s possible, God rest her soul.

      Mar 4, 2009 at 11:07 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #3   JoelWhy

    Can I wipe with that? I DID wipe with that! How else do you think I got it to stick to the wall?

    Mar 3, 2009 at 7:35 pm   rating: 30  small thumbs up

     
  • #4   J

    “they are behind you” – man, p.a. note-writer#1 sure is cheeky, huh? ;-)

    Mar 3, 2009 at 7:36 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   KatieMB

      My thought exactly, as in, “WIPE YOUR BEHIND!”

      Mar 4, 2009 at 4:45 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   Wade bang

    Looks like note #4 reveals the name of wife #1.

    Mar 3, 2009 at 7:46 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

     
  • #6   Neeners

    If you think about it logically, in the time it took to write and post all these messages, the toilet paper could have been changed several times over.

    If you think you are teaching the wayward tp offender a lesson – you will be writing notes forever. I know this from experience.

    So just waddle on over to the cupboard grab the last roll trying not to trip with your pants around your ankles and change it yourself.

    Like they say – if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself.

    Mar 3, 2009 at 7:49 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   A. Non

      Yes, it’s always better to be _totally_ passive and never ask for people you live with to exhibit common courtesy!

      At least most of these are memorable/amusing. They might sink in, or at least elicit a laugh.

      Mar 3, 2009 at 8:10 pm   rating: 24  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.2   Monkeyspeaks

      I’m guessing you’ve never had to go so badly you ran into the bathroom without looking first. This means you’ve also never been stuck on the toilet screaming “DAMMIT UNNY! GET ME TOILET PAPER STAT!”

      Also – as someone who has lived in tiny apartments for a long time, sometimes our bathrooms are too small to keep the TP in it and it gets kept in a closet elsewhere. Which means you can’t just “reach over and change it” when you’re in that situation.

      (This comment was left for all the mudbutts out here who have been in that situation)

      Mar 3, 2009 at 8:17 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.3   Geek Goddess

      The truly passive-aggressive would hide all the toilet paper in the place, and carry just enough for themselves when they use the facilities. Eg. a really long strip for ‘big jobs’.

      Mar 3, 2009 at 9:19 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.4   mamason bang

      Wasn’t “Muddbutts” an old blues singer?

      Mar 4, 2009 at 12:10 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.5   Neeners

      Assuming you live with someone to get the toilet paper for you maybe they would be nice enough to wipe the old arse for ya too!!!!

      Mar 4, 2009 at 1:05 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.6   Holiday Djinn

      Mamason, Yes! You are thinking of Johnny “Muddbutts” McGee. Ol’ “Muddbutts” McGee was known for his unique style of the Delta Blues. Music Historians refer to it as the “Delta Browns”. He achieved this sound by using an empty toilet paper roll to play slide guitar or dobro. This however, would usually inspire ire in his live in girlfriends. They naturally would write passive agressive notes telling him to replace the damn roll.
      His two highest charting singles were “Wet & Sloppy” # 2 (1933) and his later hit “Chuck Berry stole my shit” # 2 (1956). These songs, though considered some of the greatest songs ever written, only achieved #2.

      Mar 4, 2009 at 7:13 am   rating: 18  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.7   anglophile bang

      Neeners, I think it’s a fair assumption that all these notewriters live with someone. Or else who do they have to blame for not replacing the roll?

      Mar 4, 2009 at 10:29 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.8   Ti O bang

      I got dingles on my berries,
      and I can’t wipe them away…
      I got dingles on my berries and I can’t wipe them away.
      My woman has left me that ol roll hasn’t been changed since she went away. ♫

      © Mudbutts McGee The Outhouse Sessions

      Mar 4, 2009 at 1:24 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.9   Monkeyspeaks

      WOOOOO! Thanks Ti-O. I have to memorize that.

      I laerned of the MuddButt when my boyfriend looked at me as I emerged from, erm, arranging flowers in the lavetory, and said go back in there and make sure you don’t have the muddbutt ms stinkmeister.

      now when he tells me im a muddbutt i can sing that!

      Mar 4, 2009 at 6:13 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.10   Monkeyspeaks

      ERM – did i just admit to having muddbutt to thousands of online readers

      :D teehee!

      Mar 4, 2009 at 6:14 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.11   anglophile bang

      That’s ok, we won’t tell anyone.

      Mar 4, 2009 at 6:27 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.12   Ti O bang

      It will be our little secret. :grin:

      Mar 5, 2009 at 9:41 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.13   Neeners

      You may be right, the last one looks like you can make out the notetaker and a spare roll in the reflection of paper holder.

      Offenders should have to wear a dress of toilet paper as hideous as this one…

      http://www.gigglesugar.com/gallery/55378?page=0,0,12

      Mar 8, 2009 at 1:37 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #7   Neeners

    Random trivia to the sticky note author:

    I have tried to wipe with only two squares and I’m proud to say it is possible in certain circumstances if there is not massive glue stuck to it.

    Mar 3, 2009 at 7:54 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #8   YogaforCynics

    I’ve been getting really irritated lately when I go into the bathroom and find somebody hasn’t changed the toilet paper roll.

    The trouble is, I live alone….

    Mar 3, 2009 at 8:09 pm   rating: 47  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   Monkeyspeaks

      your non-existent roomate sucks and is totally selfish for not changing the toilet paper for you

      Mar 3, 2009 at 8:18 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #9   Monkeyspeaks

    “If you don’t replace the toilet paper, terrorists win.”

    That makes sense. No one uses TP, their butts get itchy, and then the terrorists swoop in and attack while we’re all knuckle deep in itchy bums.

    Terrorists may not win, but Mudd-butt certainly will.

    Mar 3, 2009 at 8:20 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   KatieMB

      Hey I’m not about to have the Terrorists win due too my lack of wiping…. ;)

      Mar 4, 2009 at 4:49 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #10   Wade bang

    There is only one thing more passive-aggressive than leaving an note complaining about an empty toilet paper roll…

    Leaving an empty toilet paper roll.

    Mar 3, 2009 at 8:20 pm   rating: 27  small thumbs up

     
  • #11   Desuko.

    I tried googling “clear easy to understand directions on how to change the fucking toilet paper” and the first result was Amanda Palmer’s blog (http://blog.amandapalmer.net/).

    The second was this: http://asknicola.blogspot.com/2009/01/dont-be-fucking-cheap-rant.html

    While entertaining, neither of these sites have resulted in a new roll of toilet paper. Try again, note writer!

    Mar 3, 2009 at 8:37 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   Lorelie

      Googling just “how to change the fucking toilet paper” gets a YouTube vid on the “right” way to change t.p.

      Right way? I didn’t even know there was a right way.

      PS. Glad to know I’m not the only one who tried googling.

      Mar 4, 2009 at 10:21 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.2   Joe in Eugene

      Actually, I left off the “clear and easy” part and came up with a wonderful site with video and audio that should help many people in the world that are unable the accomplish this seemingly simple task:

      http://www.associatedcontent.com/video/824/how_to_change_toilet_paper_rolls.html

      Please share this link with your non-changing friends.

      Oh by the way, I want to encourage all people to go with the “over the top” method of hanging the roll – it really is the best way.

      Team Over the Top

      Mar 4, 2009 at 11:22 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #12   Mishee

    Empty toilet paper rolls don’t bother me half as much as leaving the lid up which results in fecal mist going everywhere!!

    Mar 3, 2009 at 8:44 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   Griffen P.

      Lolz..a little bit anal are we?

      (Note my pun, I meant to do it hey)

      Mar 4, 2009 at 4:21 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.2   Lorelie

      At my office, the toilets don’t have lids. And then about half the women here roll down some paper towels for the next person as a “courtesy.” So the towels, which would normally be tucked up in their little plastic protection, are just out there flapping, sweeping up fecal mist.

      Icks me out.

      Mar 4, 2009 at 10:25 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.3   Ti O bang

      No lids!? Oh that is just wrong, really! We had a bathroom attendant that was suppose to keep everything clean and stocked. Well he started leaving a jar for tips and we were leaving notes for him that said things like “Diet and exercise”
      Too many people expect a tip for nothing service. Like loser baristas at Starfucks. :roll:

      Mar 4, 2009 at 1:30 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.4   KatieMB

      Dammit now I’ve got visions of fecal mist stuck in my head. At least it’s not stuck on my butt.

      Mar 4, 2009 at 5:05 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.5   anglophile bang

      Not to mention those lazy good-for-nothing servers!

      Mar 4, 2009 at 5:07 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.6   Mishee bang

      KatieMB – it may not be stuck to your butt, but I am sure its stuck to your toothbrush…

      Mar 4, 2009 at 5:19 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #13   Wolverine Girl

    Note 3 is making me cringe. I’d be tempted to write a PA response, for example: If You Want The Toilet Paper Replaced You Better Start Using Proper Grammar And Stop Capitalizing Every Fricking Word

    At least it’s ragged right, roman, and most probably Georgia.

    Mar 3, 2009 at 9:06 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   Canthz_B bang

      Too bad it’s sans comic! :-P

      Mar 3, 2009 at 10:12 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #14   VB

    I’m totally confused.. so they could go and fetch stickies and pens but that same trip could have been used to, oh, replace the roll themselves.

    Or are they bringing in and storing stationary in the bathroom? I barely have room for the towels.. now I have to an office supply drawer as well?

    Mar 3, 2009 at 9:16 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   Wolverine Girl

      At least they’ll have something to wipe their bums with. Use the stickies to wipe the stickies, and as for the pens, well I’m sure there are many here who can think of creative uses for them. I’ll leave that to the experts.

      Mar 3, 2009 at 11:13 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #15   Geek Goddess

    I am surprised that there are no complaints about which way the paper comes off the roll once it is replaced.

    Mar 3, 2009 at 9:17 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   mamason bang

      Over. Definitely over.

      Mar 3, 2009 at 9:53 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.2   Mishee bang

      That’s why I don’t bother bitching about it, cause even if the two men I live with DID change the roll (yeah! right!) they would most likely put it under and that’s just not acceptable…

      Mar 3, 2009 at 9:55 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.3   Canthz_B bang

      Down. Definitely down.

      Mar 3, 2009 at 10:14 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.4   Anne A. Tomic

      I broke up with a guy for being an under (as opposed to my over).

      Then I got under someone else and peace reigned in the land.

      Mar 4, 2009 at 2:42 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.5   Sophie

      I think we all, at some point, break up with someone for somewhat crazy reasons. I broke up with a guy who always walked two steps ahead of me…it drove me insane.

      Mar 4, 2009 at 6:36 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #16   Mishee bang

    I don’t get Note#3.

    So they eat toilet paper in that house?

    Well, I guess its good roughage…

    Mar 3, 2009 at 9:59 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   Zoe

      No tp = can’t shit (theoretically) = probably shouldn’t eat.

      Mar 4, 2009 at 6:52 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.2   Bunnee

      Actually, my brother has done this exact thing while on a drunken sleep-eating binge. My ex(surprise!) sister in law caught him DUNKING the toilet paper in the bowl and then taking a big bite of the wet, soggy TP. :shock: At least he didn’t get any dingleberries in his mustache.

      Mar 4, 2009 at 10:10 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.3   mamason bang

      I have no words. I think I’ll go vomit now.

      Mar 4, 2009 at 1:33 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.4   Geek Goddess

      Being bulimic, like mamason, keeps you from needing tp for the other end so often. This reduces a lot of conflict in the bathroom over who changed/didn’t change the roll.

      Mar 4, 2009 at 10:29 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #17   amoi

    What irony! I was in a friend’s bathroom today and there was no t.p. No facial tissues. No paper towels. Nada. And it was the basement bathroom and the friend was upstairs at the complete opposite end of the house. So I just sat there for awhile, pondering my total lack of options. Thanks for reminding me with this series of pans… I need to go change my underwear.

    Mar 3, 2009 at 10:00 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   Canthz_B bang

      Irony?

      Mar 3, 2009 at 10:16 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.2   Mishee bang

      CB – amoi must be taking from the “Alanis Morissette Dictionary”

      Mar 3, 2009 at 10:22 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.3   amoi

      I often have two hands in my pockets, as well.

      Mar 4, 2009 at 8:09 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.4   Ti O bang

      One of them is not giving you the peace sign.

      Mar 4, 2009 at 1:32 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.5   Mishee bang

      I prefer my “newfangled” half a peace sign.

      Mar 4, 2009 at 1:42 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.6   Ti O bang

      Well Mishee™ all the cool kids are doing it!

      Mar 4, 2009 at 1:44 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #18   Canthz_B bang

    If You Keep
    Eating Better
    You Want To Replace
    The Toilet Paper

    Mar 3, 2009 at 10:25 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #19   shmunk

    who are these people that keep bringing markers and post its with them into the bathroom?

    Mar 3, 2009 at 10:46 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #19.1   Canthz_B bang

      You’ve heard of “pop art”…this is “pot lit”.
      I think it began at a small college in Flushing, NY.

      Mar 3, 2009 at 11:03 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #20   QuarterRoy00 bang

    If You Want To Keep Your Job
    You Better Stop Capitalizing Every Single Word

    Mar 3, 2009 at 10:48 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #21   Tug

    GO Bluepaintred – you’re awesome!

    Mar 3, 2009 at 11:48 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #22   Kat

    Those are really great!

    Mar 3, 2009 at 11:51 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #23   mamason bang

    Dude, you’re in the bathroom. It’s time to unclench.

    Mar 4, 2009 at 12:21 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #24   Tracy

    I’m equally concerned about the people who take cameras into the bathroom. Fecal mist clogs up the lens, people.

    Mar 4, 2009 at 2:42 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #25   ian in hamburg

    Here I sit in misty vapor
    Took a shit and there’s no paper
    Boss is coming, must not linger
    Look out asshole, here comes finger.

    Mar 4, 2009 at 2:51 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #25.1   Vic

      Memo to self: when in Hamburg, never, ever borrow Ian’s computer keyboard.

      Mar 4, 2009 at 8:15 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.2   KatieMB

      …or touch anything of Ian’s for that matter….

      Mar 4, 2009 at 5:09 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #26   Griffen P.

    lOLZ! That toilet paper was fucking delicious!!!

    LOLz!

    Mar 4, 2009 at 4:17 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #26.1   tinkerbell2

      what is WRONG with you?

      Mar 4, 2009 at 7:26 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.2   Mishee bang

      tink – they put LOLZ not once, but twice

      This person is obviously 10 years old.

      What do you expect?

      Mar 4, 2009 at 10:15 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.3   mamason bang

      GP’s comment would have been better as a response to Bunnee’s brother story. *16.2*

      Mar 4, 2009 at 1:38 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #27   Holiday Djinn

    The whole toilet paper replacement issue is basically the same as leaving the toilet seat down. It is just another issue women use to control men.

    I do however comply with those requests. I abs0lutely hate having mud all over the course when I intend to play the back nine.

    Mar 4, 2009 at 7:21 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #27.1   Weaselbaby

      I never understood the whole toilet seat debate. Just look before you park it…if it’s up, you put it down, & try not to think about the stains on the underside or the fecal mist that must’ve resulted from the previous flush.

      Mar 4, 2009 at 9:38 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #28   JT bang

    Doesn’t anybody understand that when you leave a little bit of toilet paper on the roll (picture #1), you do it so you don’t have to change it? Or is that just in my house?

    Mar 4, 2009 at 8:26 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #28.1   Weaselbaby

      The amount of toilet paper in picture #1 appears to be sufficient for wiping after a #1.

      The problem at my house is that guys don’t wipe after #1 (or at least my husband doesn’t), & that is def NOT enough TP to handle a #2, so he gives me a hard time for not changing it when it’s below the #2 threshold.

      Mar 4, 2009 at 9:32 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #29   claw71 bang

    After 8 weeks of basic training, 10 weeks of AIT and three months of Ranger School I learned to wipe with things that would make your butthole pucker. I would have killed for a cardboard tube to wipe with in Panama, but we didn’t have them. We had spiny hedgehogs. Have you ever wiped with a spiny hedgehog? You learn quick to go with the grain, let me tell you.

    Mar 4, 2009 at 9:32 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #29.1   Lorelie

      No shit, there I was on the ridge, asshole deep in commies, with only my M14 and an empty roll of toilet paper….

      Mar 4, 2009 at 10:31 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.2   Geek Goddesss

      Is an empty roll adequate to deal with wiping commies, though?

      Mar 4, 2009 at 11:17 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.3   Ti O bang

      I was up to my knees in rice paddies, with razor grass and that didn’t work! Going in there, looking for Charlie, slugging it out with him; While
      pussies like you were back here partying, putting headbands on, doing drugs, and
      wiping with cushiony soft Charmin!! Oh! Oh! Oh!

      Mar 4, 2009 at 1:39 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.4   aaa

      I always peel the spines off the ‘hogs before I wipe with them.

      Mar 4, 2009 at 1:53 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #30   claw71 bang

    I can’t help but channel a little Pink Floyd:

    Hello, is there anybody out there
    Just shout if you can hear me
    Are you out there in the hall?

    Come on now.
    I think you can help me out
    will you hand me a roll
    so I can get off the bowl

    Relax
    I sprayed around a can of Oust
    I have restroom tact
    so there’s no need to pout

    There is no paper for my feces
    the sticky shit is down there drying
    you don’t need to come in, just reach OK?
    I need a fresh roll And I’m not playing
    When I was a child I had a bad rash
    I didn’t wipe well after a poop
    Now I got the feeling once again
    I can’t explain you would not understand
    this is not how I am
    My ass will becomeUncomfortably numb.

    Mar 4, 2009 at 9:46 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #30.1   Mrs.Bird

      I’m tempted to flick a lighter and wave it back and forth through the air…

      Mar 10, 2009 at 10:03 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #31   claw71 bang

    Being a guy I have stood accused of not replacing the toilet paper after depleting the effective supply of the previous roll and like most guys I categorically denied the accusation. I even went so far as to insinuate that my wife was the culprit, a futile tactic indeed.

    But I’m a clever guy. I also enjoy being right. So I stashed a roll of toilet paper under the sink. I tucked it up behind the plumbing where no woman dares to look for fear of making eye contact with a spider. For a week I used my own secret roll of toilet paper, careful returning it to its hiding place after each use. Not once did I dare use what was on the roll.

    Sure enough, by the end of the week the roll on the wall was still viable so I replaced my roll and extended the experiment. Midway through the second week, about 12 days after I started the process, the roll on the wall that only my wife had been using ran out. I noticed that she hadn’t replaced the roll, leaving a tattered square clinging desperately to the cardboard tube on the spindle. Later that evening my wife emerged from the bathroom, pelting me in the head with the empty roll. “What the fuck,” she yelled, “is the matter with you?”

    I calmly picked up the empty roll and led her back to the bathroom. I opened the cabinet under the sink and reached up behind the plumbing, extracting my secret roll. I explained the nature of my experiment and informed her that she was the victim of her own laziness. I mentioned that I saw the empty roll in the bathroom earlier that day while I took care of my closing paperwork with my own roll.

    The issue was closed. I admitted that there might have been times that I left an inadequate amount of toilet paper behind but, seeing as how I tend to require an inordinate volume of toilet paper to handle my bigger jobs, I often found myself hopping out to the hall closet, midway through the project, to reload. It was I, Mr. Man, who fell victim to the empty roll. She was guilty. My experiment proved it. “Furthermore”, I intejected –sniffing the air still ripe with the scent of her recent endeavor, “you don’t exactly shit perfume balls either, try lighting a fucking match.”

    Confronted with this irrefutable evidence and the harrowing revelation that she was a bitch, my wife immediately called an attorney and filed for divorce. She has the house. My car and gets 1/3 of my take home pay, but, god damn it, I was right and it was so worth it.

    Mar 4, 2009 at 1:27 pm   rating: 29  small thumbs up

    • #31.1   aaa

      Awww, now that’s not fair. Some of us love cavorting with arachnids. :c

      Mar 4, 2009 at 1:51 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #31.2   Geek Goddess

      I have always enjoyed cavorting with something like an Alfa Romeo Spider, especially if it used to belong to a guy who pissed me off. Nothing like the wind in my hair to make me forget that there was no paper on the roll that morning.

      Mar 4, 2009 at 10:34 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #31.3   Meesh

      Wow. A husband outsmarts his nagging wife and insults her. Original. Genius. Hilarious.

      Didn’t I read this in an e-mail forward?

      Mar 5, 2009 at 9:49 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #31.4   Meesh

      No, I remember. It was on “Everybody Loves Raymond.”

      Mar 5, 2009 at 9:50 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #31.5   RunBarbara bang

      i remember when you signed the papers for the divorce, baby. how can i forget? i was face down on top of them begging for some of your special “white ink”.

      Mar 5, 2009 at 4:43 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #32   aaa

    eHow has a guide for changing the TP roll. It even has photos. Bitchin.

    http://www.ehow.com/how_4475398_change-roll-toilet-paper.html

    Mar 4, 2009 at 1:50 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #33   thirty six red

    Cheryl Crow says she only uses one piece ( if you can believe that) It is her little way of making the world a better place. Isn’t that nice?

    Mar 4, 2009 at 2:51 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #33.1   aaa

      If Sheryl Crow really wanted to make the world a better place, she would permanently remove herself from society so we wouldn’t be subject to her pathetically failtastic attempts at music. :/

      Mar 4, 2009 at 2:54 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #33.2   Ti O

      I wipe with Sheryl Crow.

      Mar 4, 2009 at 3:19 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #33.3   Mark bang

      I wipe with Chuck Norris. :shock:

      Mar 4, 2009 at 4:17 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #33.4   Yuri

      In Soviet Russia, toilet paper changes you.

      Mar 4, 2009 at 4:37 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #34   T.U.M.

    Paper’s a fine invention
    For those who have to pee
    But cardboard is sufficient
    In an emergency

    -Emily Drippinson

    Mar 4, 2009 at 2:56 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #35   anglophile bang

    I have used
    the tp
    that was on
    the holder

    and which
    you were probably
    hoping
    to wipe with

    Forgive me
    it was Cottonelle
    so soft
    and so white

    – WC Williams

    Mar 4, 2009 at 5:25 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #36   summer

    We always called is “swamp ass”, mudd butt is too polite a term for such an uncomfortable condition.

    Mar 4, 2009 at 5:25 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #36.1   Mishee bang

      Here we call it “gigglebrax” because “NEST YOUR FUCKING COMMENTS” was just a little too rude of a term for such an annoying practice…

      Mar 4, 2009 at 5:45 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #36.2   summer

      wow, you’re actually a really nasty bitch, nested enough for ya?!

      Mar 5, 2009 at 3:05 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #36.3   Mishee bang

      *gets misty eyed*

      That’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me!

      Thank you!

      Mar 5, 2009 at 4:12 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #36.4   RunBarbara bang

      she prefers Ms. Mishee if you’re nasty.

      Mar 5, 2009 at 4:40 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #36.5   Mishee bang

      The nastier the better.

      Why do you think I hang out with you RB?

      Mar 5, 2009 at 4:56 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #37   dingleb

    “Fecal Mist” – wasn’t that one of those cheezy 70′s Carpenters songs that became elevator Muzak over time?

    And wasn’t Cavorting with Arachnids the Beatles original name, until they shortened it?

    Inquiring minds want to know.

    Mar 4, 2009 at 6:28 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #37.1   lownote bang

      Cavorting with Arachnids would be a fantastic name for a band!!

      Mar 5, 2009 at 4:42 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #38   Canthz_B bang

    ♫ Stranded.
    Stranded on the toilet bowl.
    What do you do when you’re stranded,
    And you don’t have a roll?
    To prove you’re a man,
    You must wipe it with your hand!
    Stranded, on the toilet bowl.♫

    Mar 4, 2009 at 8:22 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #38.1   MAMARILLA2 bang

      Is there any one alive that still remembers the music to this.. besides us geeks.

      Mar 6, 2009 at 11:16 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #39   BrownEye

    The fecal mist thing is not real. Just another way to sell products that protect your tooth brush, and sanitize your bathroom.

    I opt for the outhouse with a 20 foot hole underneath. Nothing cleaner and more satisfying than hearing that *plop* when it hits the bottom.

    Mar 5, 2009 at 12:22 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #39.1   Geek Goddess

      WHAT position are you in that it is able to go *plop* by hitting your bottom?

      Mar 5, 2009 at 4:24 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #40   thirty six red

    Who wipes?

    Mar 5, 2009 at 4:37 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #40.1   RunBarbara bang

      luckily, im what is known as a “squirter” so i alleviate toilet paper nonsense by masturbating during my morning growler. its like an organic bidet.

      Mar 5, 2009 at 5:36 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #40.2   graphic&novel

      Sweet Lord, RB. That was totally disgusting. Kudos to you.

      Mar 6, 2009 at 10:21 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #41   slythwolf

    Please, please tell me the second one is from the studio of The Colbert Report.

    Mar 6, 2009 at 4:06 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #42   LawGeek

    Two and Four FTW. These are hilarious. Who cares if they took more time than changing the roll? Clearly the aim here was more than just functional.

    Plus, if you make it memorable, the note recipient will make a habit of changing the roll. So not only has time not been wasted (humor is always worthwhile) but the aggregate time saved is probably, overall, to the note writers benefit.

    Mar 6, 2009 at 11:52 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #42.1   mamason bang

      I’d have to concur.

      Mar 6, 2009 at 3:24 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #43   Jall-apeno

    “If you want to keep eating, you better replace the toilet paper”

    Translation: Replacing toilet paper is a huge responsibility. If you are not able to execute this task I will remove your ability to generate the raw material for which toilet paper was created in the first place.

    Mar 6, 2009 at 7:10 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #44   trite

    Each of the submitters needs this T Shirt
    http://www.topatoco.com/merchant.mvc?Screen=PROD&Store_Code=TO&Product_Code=SMBC-DOESNT&Category_Code=SMBC-SHIRTS

    Mar 9, 2009 at 3:11 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #45   Maeve

    Maybe I should try some of these methods with my brother…

    as for the people that wrote on the toilet paper rolls themselves I can’t help but notice the stunning hypocrisy :)

    Mar 26, 2009 at 3:40 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #46   comrades, take notice!

    [...] related: five approaches to TP maintenance [...]

    Aug 23, 2009 at 3:16 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #47   is this a thing now?

    [...] “replace the roll“? fair enough. any special requests after that, though, i’m not so sure about. as our submitter in lexington, kentucky writes: “does that extra .34-second step really cause your day to go so horribly?” [...]

    Sep 3, 2009 at 10:53 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #48   Did you wash your hands? Well, did ya, punk? | PassiveAggressiveNotes.com — funny (if not necessarily "passive-aggressive") notes from pissed-off people

    [...] related: Five approaches to toilet paper maintenance [...]

    May 13, 2010 at 7:16 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #49   What’s really wrong with America today?

    [...] Do you hate America? [...]

    Jul 4, 2010 at 12:29 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #50   Maybe wrestling grizzlies is more their forte?

    [...] Five approaches to TP maintenance [...]

    Sep 30, 2010 at 7:24 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #51   If you don’t read this, the terrorists win! Do you hate America? | PassiveAggressiveNotes.com

    [...] Did you hear? Jack Bauer is back again! He’s now working unofficially as the head of the Cubicle Counter Terrorism Unit. And apparently, he gets his best propaganda ideas right here at PAN! [...]

    Dec 22, 2010 at 1:54 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #52   The Toilet Paper Manifesto | PassiveAggressiveNotes.com

    [...] related: Five approaches to TP maintenance [...]

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