Ain’t that the gospel truth?

March 11th, 2009 · 102 comments

Chris says this note was slipped under his apartment door  by one of his “typically passive-aggressive Seattle neighbors.” And no, he adds, he hadn’t noticed. Perhaps because the door was lacking in aggressively punctuated parenthetical statements!! (Homeowners dues??)

Hey Neighbors! Notice the front door isn't closing on its own? (It's been a few weeks!!) Anyone can walk in off the street! (Rape, Burgle, Murder!) Maybe somebody should have it looked at!! (homeowner's dues...) Can we please try to make sure the door stays closed??

Personally, I am just luuurving the nice little call-and-response rhythm this note has got goin’ on. I eagerly await the OutKast “Rape Burgle Murder” remix!(!!)

related: Everyone: shut it

FILED UNDER: confusion??? · exclamation-point happy!!!! · irregular capitalization · neighbors · opening/closing · Seattle · You call that punctuation?


102 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Canthz_B bang

    This is a list of homeowners’ don’ts.

    Mar 11, 2009 at 10:21 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #2   eddy

    Personally, I just like the fact that they used the word “burgle”.

    Mar 11, 2009 at 10:24 pm   rating: 47  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   Wade bang

      I tried to learn to play the burgle in seventh grade. Never got the embouchure right.

      Mar 11, 2009 at 10:30 pm   rating: 32  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.2   Canthz_B bang

      You would have been the boogie-woogie burgle boy! :-P

      Mar 11, 2009 at 10:34 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.3   Wade bang

      Of cell block B! ;)

      Mar 11, 2009 at 10:46 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.4   KatieMB bang

      Burgle me baby like no one’s burgled me before!

      Mar 12, 2009 at 6:24 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.5   D / DM

      I’m really disappointed that they spelled “its” correctly.

      Mar 12, 2009 at 8:41 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.6   Devika

      I agree! I was impressed with their use of the word burgle. I haven’t heard anyone use that term since I moved back to the US from London. Maybe they’re British!?

      Mar 12, 2009 at 11:53 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.7   unfortunate names

      what a rip. i pay sugar bear extra for the chance to get burgled every month

      Mar 12, 2009 at 6:54 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.8   Dani

      I’d like a burgle with fries and a drink, please. Mmmm.

      Mar 13, 2009 at 4:14 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.9   agatha christie

      All I could think of was some creepy guy, mincing along, hands bent into claws, mumbling “burgle, burgle, burgle.”

      Mar 13, 2009 at 6:28 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #3   Wade bang

    If the door isn’t closed, how do you slip a note under it?

    Mar 11, 2009 at 10:26 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #4   Canthz_B bang

    Someone should have that door looked at.
    Once that’s done, they should all wait around for a note asking that someone have the door fixed.

    Mar 11, 2009 at 10:27 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #5   Canthz_B bang

    I like how (s)he called the maintenance person “someone”, but instead of using the typical “you know who you are”, opted for the “what do we pay your sorry ass for” of “homeowner’s dues…”

    Mar 11, 2009 at 10:28 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   D / DM

      I interpreted it slightly differently, as in, “Because you assholes aren’t paying your dues, our lives are in danger.” Because he surely knows who pays their dues and who doesn’t.

      Mar 12, 2009 at 8:46 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.2   Canthz_B bang

      Yeah…no.

      Mar 12, 2009 at 9:16 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.3   D / DM

      Hey, if you don’t like it there, move out. Don’t take it out on me.

      Mar 13, 2009 at 10:58 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   Canthz_B bang

    The security there sucks.
    It must be a condominimum.

    Mar 11, 2009 at 10:31 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

     
  • #7   Geek Goddess

    Can we please try to be consistent with the punctuation?? The writer missed an exclamation mark in the first line!!
    ((And a question mark in the second line… …))

    Mar 11, 2009 at 11:41 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #8   Byatch

    Rape!! Burgle!! Murder!!

    Am I the only one who thinks this sounds sort of like a suggestion?

    Mar 11, 2009 at 11:42 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   Melanie

      Rape, Burgle, Murder!
      Run, Burgle, Run!

      Mar 11, 2009 at 11:43 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.2   Holiday Djinn

      Not only a suggestion, but one hell of a good Saturday night!

      Mar 12, 2009 at 7:21 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.3   D / DM

      See Burgle rape.

      Burgle rapes fast!

      Mar 13, 2009 at 11:01 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #9   bikerbabeee bang

    Hmm..
    Rape, Burgle,Murder!
    Did someone say Teddy bear?

    Mar 12, 2009 at 12:06 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #10   biscuit

    If you only worry about people named Rape, Burgle, and Murder walking in off the street through your broken door, that is the least of your problems.

    Mar 12, 2009 at 12:23 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #11   SunsetStationHenderson

    For tehwin!

    Mar 12, 2009 at 12:31 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #12   mew

    yes indeed…maybe someone SHOULD have that looked at, instead of wasting time making notes for the rest of the innocent tenants!

    Mar 12, 2009 at 1:04 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   KatieMB bang

      I’m guessing the PA note writer has already passive aggressively *noted* the maintenance guy as well as the HA president, was dutifully ignored by both, and now feels s/he must enlist all the residents to his/he cause. Or maybe s/he is just pissed that they haven’t been burgled yet.

      Mar 12, 2009 at 6:30 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #13   innae bang

    Makes me think of
    Murderdeathkill

    from Demolition man..:-)

    Mar 12, 2009 at 1:25 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   bikerbabeee bang

      I was thinking along those lines too. See #9

      Mar 12, 2009 at 11:11 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #14   VB

    “Rape! Burgle! Murder!”

    Does Seattle have a problem with roaming hordes of Vikings?

    Mar 12, 2009 at 1:38 am   rating: 18  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   Wade bang

      Considering what the Vikings did to Seattle the last time they played each other… yes.

      Mar 12, 2009 at 6:22 am   rating: 34  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.2   KatieMB bang

      Well done Wade! :)

      Mar 12, 2009 at 6:32 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.3   Bunnee

      Yes, they’re depicted in those Capital One ads…

      Mar 12, 2009 at 10:01 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.4   Ida Knowe

      Yeah, they are from Citi bank, “What’s in your wallet”?

      Mar 12, 2009 at 1:11 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #15   Canthz_B bang

    I say round up the usual suspects.
    Rape, burgle and murder demand that we arrest lions and tigers and bears…oh, my!

    Mar 12, 2009 at 4:08 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   Ti O bang

      HAHAHAHAHAHA! Dang if someone didn’t beat me to that funny line. :lol:

      Mar 12, 2009 at 9:30 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.2   Mishee bang

      Yeah Ti O – unlike some noobs (and some not-so-noobs), when I have an idea for something clever to say, I either read all the comments or I CTRL+F something from my idea. In this case, “oh, my”.

      Then if it hasn’t been used I proceed.

      Mar 12, 2009 at 9:33 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.3   Ti O bang

      That is why I adore you Mishee™ because you are smart like that. :mrgreen:

      Mar 12, 2009 at 9:43 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.4   Mishee bang

      *basks in the glow of Ti O’s love*

      *throws Goldie a triumphant look*

      Mar 12, 2009 at 10:03 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.5   Goldie bang

      *sigh* I guess a threesome is out of the question.

      Mar 13, 2009 at 3:04 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.6   Mishee bang

      I never said that.

      It just depends on who is in charge.*

      *I don’t like being in charge.

      Mar 13, 2009 at 4:09 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.7   Ti O bang

      Now look here I am in charge of this!

      :bigenormusgrin:

      Mar 13, 2009 at 5:37 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #16   umlaut

    Shake that door like a Polaroid picture!

    Mar 12, 2009 at 5:30 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #17   Woman on the Verge bang

    You just know that notewriter’s next step is to begin a cycle of Raping, Burgling, and Murdering just to make their point… Just so they can post an “I told you so” note.

    Mar 12, 2009 at 7:24 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   fantasy bang

      - Just to use the word Burgle, he must know something about it….. this is the only time in all my life that I ever thought to say Burgle.

      Mar 12, 2009 at 7:30 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.2   tinkerbell2

      I got burgled last year. And not in the good way.

      Mar 13, 2009 at 10:17 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #18   QuarterRoy00 bang

    Maybe they would have enough money to fix the door if the hadn’t used most of their budget on all those exclamation points!!!!!!!!

    Mar 12, 2009 at 8:47 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   Meesh

      That’s the thing about PANs. No one will notice them if you just use one or two exclamation points. You have to really slather the note with them to get everyone’s attention.

      Mar 12, 2009 at 9:08 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.2   Beanster bang

      “I’d like to buy some punctuation, Pat… Exclamation Point?”

      “There are… 9 exclamation points Marvin. Spin again.”

      (chk chk chk chk chk)

      “G?”

      “There is… one G.”

      “Pat, I’d like to solve: RAPE!! BURGLE!! MURDER!!”

      “That’s IT!”

      Mar 13, 2009 at 12:16 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.3   tinkerbell2

      that’s 6 exclamation points.

      Mar 13, 2009 at 10:18 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #19   claw71 bang

    Rape, burgle, and murder don’t bother me nearly as much as witness, mormon and cookies so even though I don’t much care for this note, let’s get that fucking foor fixed, ok?

    Mar 12, 2009 at 9:07 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #19.1   Meesh

      Not to mention crazy gay Frenchmen.

      Mar 12, 2009 at 9:10 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #20   Mishee

    Maybe note writer is also the song writer for Meat Loaf.

    His song titles always seem to have some sort of afterthought.

    Mar 12, 2009 at 9:18 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #20.1   claw71 bang

      I raped you
      I burgled you
      but there ain’t no way I’m ever gonna kill you
      now don’t be sad
      two out of three ain’t bad

      Mar 12, 2009 at 11:30 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #21   Ti O bang

    This note brought to you by the Bürglemeister of Seattle and the number 5.

    Mar 12, 2009 at 9:34 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #21.1   Woman on the Verge bang

      Oh, Timo, a Sesame Street reference! I just knew I loved you.

      Mar 12, 2009 at 5:52 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.2   Ti O bang

      I ♥ you too WOtV.

      *shhh don’t let Mishee™ know she is very possessive. :wink: *

      Mar 12, 2009 at 6:47 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.3   Mishee

      *starts cleaning her gun*

      *goes out in search of that wasically WotV*

      Mar 13, 2009 at 9:16 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.4   Woman on the Verge bang

      *holds Elmo in front of her and hopes the damn monster is bulletproof*

      Mar 13, 2009 at 4:59 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #22   Kara P

    My house was just broken into, and my neighbors (in the top half of the house) NEVER lock their doors! I think I’ll copy this note and slip it under their door too. Passive-aggressiveness is OK when it’s done on purpose in an ironical fashion, right? haha

    Mar 12, 2009 at 9:39 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #22.1   claw71 bang

      Well those dirty bastards stiffed you on the murder. I sure hope the raping and burgling were more to your satisfaction.

      Mar 12, 2009 at 11:37 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.2   Mishee bang

      *loves it when claw rapes and burgles her*

      Mar 12, 2009 at 12:00 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.3   claw71 bang

      Oh yeah, I’ll burgle you. I’ll burgle you hard.

      Mar 12, 2009 at 12:36 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #23   Azz clown

    that person coming in off the street could be the
    hamburgler.

    Mar 12, 2009 at 9:39 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #24   blake

    Wasn’t “Rape, Burgle, Murder” a rap song?

    Mar 12, 2009 at 10:08 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #24.1   claw71 bang

      I thought those were the three gifts of the Magi.

      Mar 12, 2009 at 10:58 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.2   Ti O bang

      I thought their three gifts were Rope, Buggery and Murder.

      Mar 12, 2009 at 11:01 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.3   claw71 bang

      Rope Buggery and Murder are from a Simon and Garfunkle song. I think.

      Mar 12, 2009 at 11:33 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.4   Woman on the Verge bang

      I think it’s the name of a law firm. Rape, Burgle, and Murder, Inc. Perfect, really.

      Mar 12, 2009 at 5:53 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.5   Mishee bang

      I work with a lot of invoices from law firms…

      In my opinion it would be Rape, Burgle, & Murder, LLP.

      Mar 12, 2009 at 6:06 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.6   Ti O bang

      They are a Pac NW affiliate of Dewey, Cheatem and Howe I think.

      Mar 12, 2009 at 6:48 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #25   CS Harmonikah

    I like that the word “closed” was deemed important enough to get its own line.

    Mar 12, 2009 at 10:14 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #26   TPS

    Seattle apartment dwellers don’t own anything worth a burgle anyways.

    Mar 12, 2009 at 10:57 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #26.1   Geek Goddesss

      Well, I really don’t give a burgle about their possessions.
      So there.

      Mar 12, 2009 at 12:21 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #27   claw71 bang

    So Rape, Burgle and Murder walk into a bar…

    Mar 12, 2009 at 11:01 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #27.1   QuarterRoy00 bang

      …Bartender gives all of them a bloody Mary?

      Mar 12, 2009 at 11:22 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.2   claw71 bang

      you are correct sir.

      HEYO!

      Mar 12, 2009 at 11:32 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #28   Jim

    From an efficiency standpoint, Rape, Burgle, Murder doesn’t work. It would be much easier to accomplish all three tasks if you raped, then murdered, then burgled.

    At least that way you won’t have someone pestering you while you steal their things.

    Mar 12, 2009 at 11:54 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #28.1   Mark bang

      Actually, I’d think it would be easier to murder, then rape, then burgle. Or murder, then burgle, then rape.

      Kinda gross, but we’re talking about efficiency here.

      Mar 12, 2009 at 12:10 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #28.2   claw71 bang

      From and efficiency perspective you both make sense, but where’s the pleasure? Where’s the fun?

      For me the sequence listed in the note is optimal. When I break into somebody’s apartment I usually like to get right down to business and rape them. I like to impose my will on a feisty victim and force them to submit. By the time I subdue them enough to penetrate them, I have taken all of their will to resist away. They’re left sobbing on the floor, subservient to me.

      Then I burgle them. Through the tears they see me rummaging through their things, powerless to stop me because I’ve taken their power away. More importantly the burgling drives home the point that I didn’t derive enough satisfaction from them during the rape and their self esteem is decimated.

      After I collect everything of value, and place it by the door, my victim thinks it’s over but I surprise them with any of a number of violent attacks designed to suck the life out of them. Stabbing is intimate, but messy and it really just replicates what I did in the rape, metaphorically speaking. Strangulation is my favorite because I get to watch their eyes. Best of all, if I get a little randy during the choke fest, they’re not too messy for another go.

      Perhaps I’ve gone too far for this thread but I’d be lying if I told you that those three activities don’t put a twinkle in my eye. In all honesty, it’s fun. It’s even more fun when I do it to a woman.

      Mar 12, 2009 at 1:01 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #28.3   Mishee bang

      “suck the life out of them”

      I think I need a new pair of panties now.

      Mar 12, 2009 at 1:10 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #28.4   TheOldSchool

      Claw,

      I’m sure you know this, but there are others here who might not.

      NEVER strangle a pug.* I don’t care how yappy it is, or how discombobulated you are by the sight if its permanently exposed winking, wrinkled rosette.

      * Unless you’re one of those sick freaks who’s into eye-popping experiences.

      Mar 14, 2009 at 5:47 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #29   Jim

    excellent point.

    Mar 12, 2009 at 12:17 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #30   riskatstake bang

    my love of the word burgle is unending.

    Mar 12, 2009 at 12:54 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #30.1   Mishee bang

      yeah, it ranks right up there with penii

      Mar 12, 2009 at 12:57 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #30.2   Ida Knowe

      I prefer the word Pilfer, it gives a air of eloquence.
      Burgle reminds me of the sound my garbage disposal makes

      Mar 12, 2009 at 1:20 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #30.3   mamason bang

      Pilfer sounds like a lady fart whereas burgle is definitely a guy thing.

      Mar 12, 2009 at 4:06 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #30.4   Woman on the Verge bang

      I prefer the word purloin because it sounds vaguely naughty.

      Mar 12, 2009 at 5:56 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #31   Monkeyspeaks

    Because calling the building manager would have been SO much easier.

    Mar 12, 2009 at 1:25 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #31.1   Geek Goddess

      But then what do you do with all those question marks you prepped for the note??????

      Mar 12, 2009 at 1:55 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #32   Hondah

    “Please close the door” is no more effective

    Mar 12, 2009 at 3:07 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #32.1   mamason bang

      It is no less effective, either.

      Mar 12, 2009 at 4:07 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #32.2   aaa

      Whoah, weird. A spammy website, but the dude with the spammy website is posting an actual comment. This is making my brain hurt…

      Mar 12, 2009 at 6:27 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #32.3   riskatstake bang

      that is crazy. i think time may have just stopped…

      Mar 12, 2009 at 11:11 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #33   mfk

    This reminds me of the Beverly Hillbillies theme song…

    “So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverleeee.
    (Hills, that is…)
    (swimming pools… movie stars…)”

    Mar 13, 2009 at 12:03 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #34   Beanster bang

    my boyfriend assisted in a defense case which took place in this order…

    Except instead of “Rape Burgle and Murder” it was “Sneaky offer of threesome, Try to Burgle, get caught and attempt to murder. Fail at all. Get prosecuted in the State of New York.”

    I should send her a note!!!!!!!!!

    Mar 13, 2009 at 12:21 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #35   CrapsBlackJack

    one of the best here!

    Mar 13, 2009 at 1:20 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #35.1   Mishee

      You obviously haven’t done much backreading into the archives.

      Try clicking on “movin’ out (anthony’s song)” or “thx sandra” or “deeply carved writings” in the greatest hits section.

      Mar 13, 2009 at 9:20 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #36   nikki

    Rapes and burgles and murders, oh my!

    Rapes and burgles and murders, oh my!

    Rapes and burgles and murders, oh my!

    Rapesandburglesandmurders, oh my!

    Mar 14, 2009 at 3:21 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #37   Mike

    Maybe this isn’t what I was supposed to take away from this…but I totally copied that note and taped it in the front hallway…we have the same problem. Plus that note is hilarious and I’ll laugh every time I see it.

    Mar 30, 2009 at 4:10 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #38   this!! is how!! you know!! we mean it!!!

    [...] related: ain’t that the gospel truth? [...]

    Mar 31, 2009 at 1:07 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     

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