The Candyman Can’t

March 13th, 2009 · 155 comments

“One morning last summer,” writes Stephanie in Illinois, “my brother and I arrived at the company where we worked to find these notes posted to the candy vending machine. (Mind you, it was 8:45 a.m.) Apparently, the man who fills the vending machines — a.k.a ‘Mr. Candyman’ — had failed to restock the machine for a week, and the ladies of the office had had enough.”

I mean, really. we’re talking about a serious breach of the social contract here, people!

A [sic] Empty Machine is Unaceptable [sic]! Mr. Candyman, you did not keep your WORD! This machine has been empty since Tues last week.

Stephanie and I were both particularly tickled by the the “gas prices” note at top right. (“What does that even mean?” she wonders.)

Gas prices are high but that doesn't do much when our stomach starts to growl!! Hungry!!

Meanwhile, Lisa in Nashville spotted this note posted on the vending machine in the studio arts building at Vanderbilt University. “There had been many previous notes asking (nicely) for more Twizzlers,” Lisa says, but as desperation set in, at least one distraught staff member decided to get lyrical on Candyman’s ass.

Candyman, oh candyman...,Where have you gone? The twizzler slot is empty. Oh yes, we have none. What burden we bear, what sadness we hold, for we thought twizzlers we soon would behold.

related: The Pepsi Challenge

FILED UNDER: candy · food · Illinois · office · pleasantries as afterthought · questionable logic · raging against the machine · sad face · spelling and grammar police · vending machine drama


155 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Mishee

    The Candy Man can, cause he mixes it with love and makes the world taste good…

    Yeah, thanks for that earworm kerry!!!

    Mar 13, 2009 at 9:21 am   rating: 18  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   Mark bang

      Who can take your trash out?
      Stomp it down for you.
      Shake the plastic bag and do the twisty-thingy too?
      The garbage man . . . oh, the garbage man can.

      The garbage man can and he does it with a smile and never judges you.

      Marge: Who can take this diaper?
      GM: I don’t mind at all.
      Wiggum: Who can clean me up before the big policemans’ ball?
      The garbage man . . . yes, the garbage man can.

      U2:
      The sanitation folks
      are jolly, friendly blokes.
      Courteous and easygoing!
      They mop up when you’re overflowing . . .
      and tell you when your arse is showing!
      Apu: Who can?
      Mel: Who can?
      Ned: Who can?
      Oscar: Who can?
      The garbage man can!
      Bart & Lisa: ‘Cause he’s Homer Simpson man!

      He cleans the world for . . . YOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!

      Mar 13, 2009 at 10:39 am   rating: 26  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.2   Monkeyspeaks

      Apparently this candy man – can’t

      Mar 16, 2009 at 4:09 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   Mishee

    I misspelt P/A note is just unaceptable!

    (I would also comment on kerry’s misspelling/typo in the intro, but I don’t want to anger the Goddess)

    Mar 13, 2009 at 9:22 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   Mishee

      I love you kerry.

      *still sitting tight*

      Mar 13, 2009 at 9:38 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #3   Ti O bang

    Oh my god they did say Candyman three times! Now they are doomed because they have summoned the demons of Almond Un-joy!

    Mar 13, 2009 at 9:25 am   rating: 36  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   Mishee

      If I were the Candy Man reading these notes, I would sure as hell be saying “Bloody Mary” three times…

      to the bartender of course.

      Mar 13, 2009 at 9:27 am   rating: 22  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.2   QuarterRoy00 bang

      Hopefully the Candy Man won’t make a holey bartender

      Mar 13, 2009 at 11:36 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.3   Mishee bang

      Geez, that would make 2 unrelated K.S. references in my world in the last 30 minutes.

      Almost a record.

      Mar 13, 2009 at 11:50 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.4   leftfoot

      Would that be “holy” or “holey”? Because honestly, a holey bloody mary would be quite a disgusting mess.

      Mar 13, 2009 at 12:07 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   bullwinkle

    a passive aggressive note gang bang

    Mar 13, 2009 at 9:31 am   rating: 18  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   Hod

      Just imagine what the empty condom machine in the bathroom looks like.

      Mar 13, 2009 at 10:14 am   rating: 26  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.2   riskatstake bang

      “horny people screw here”

      Mar 13, 2009 at 10:31 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   Rachet

    Wait…is there an “s” at the end of “stomach” or…

    They share one stomach!?

    And it’s the cause of high gas prices??

    For god’s sake, just walk to the nearest Circle K. (or whatever is nearby)

    Mar 13, 2009 at 9:31 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   se

      maybe they work at the local gas supply company and they get paid more when they pass gas.

      Mar 13, 2009 at 9:51 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.2   amy d bang

      Perhaps the reference to high gas prices refers to the Candy Man’s company limiting/changing delivery to save costs on gas?

      Mar 13, 2009 at 12:29 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   Mishee

    WTF? Why is there so much upheaval over twizzlers?

    I thought we already covered this before…

    Twizzlers are teh suck.

    Mar 13, 2009 at 9:32 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   D / DM

      They most certainly are not.

      I like to eat Twizzlers while watching reality shows.

      Mar 13, 2009 at 11:12 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.2   Mishee bang

      My point exactly.

      Mar 13, 2009 at 11:17 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.3   D / DM

      *Points at sarcasm, in case you missed it.*

      Mar 13, 2009 at 11:23 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.4   Mishee bang

      *points at my smart ass remark that is in agreement to your sarcasm – in case you missed it*

      Mar 13, 2009 at 11:33 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.5   D / DM

      *really doesn’t know why he pointed at his sarcasm, in violation of the cardinal principles of self-deprecatory humor, anyway.*

      Mar 13, 2009 at 11:52 am   rating: 18  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #7   Ti O bang

    Mr. Candyman was adverse to commitment and it showed in all of his relationships.
    “Dear ladies at the Illinois office of Dekalb feed, I am just not that into you.”

    Mar 13, 2009 at 9:35 am   rating: 24  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   D / DM

      Damn you.

      Mar 13, 2009 at 11:09 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.2   KatieMB bang

      I hope Mr. Diet Coke Man never says that to me…

      Mar 13, 2009 at 5:11 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #8   Mishee

    I wonder if the “Patty” that wanted to see him in the office was “Peppermint Patty”

    Mar 13, 2009 at 9:37 am   rating: 16  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   Ti O bang

      After Mr. Candyman walked in on Peppermint Patty and her life partner, Marcie, his embarrassment was so great he never returned to refill the machine.

      Mar 13, 2009 at 9:41 am   rating: 16  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.2   riskatstake bang

      his rock candy went all twizzler on him when he saw that. hence his continued hatred for that particular sugary vice.

      Mar 13, 2009 at 10:37 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #9   Ti O bang

    Seriously gone and none

    how do those rhyme? Maybe my regional dialect has me pronouncing them in a way that is different from the note writers. That and I didn’t go to a hoity toity named school like Vanderbilt.

    Mar 13, 2009 at 9:39 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   Sirius bang

      Something in Twizzlers apparently makes one wax poetic.

      Or perhaps wane poetic is more accurate.

      Mar 13, 2009 at 12:01 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.2   Sirius bang

      Or maybe the candyman on the Vanderbilt route is holding out on the Twizzlers in order to fulfill his crappy-poetry fetish.

      Mar 13, 2009 at 12:02 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.3   Paintball "Punk"

      Not only that, but they rhymed “hold” with “behold”…. that’s like rhyming “television” with “color television”.

      Mar 13, 2009 at 3:05 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.4   mamason bang

      what’s your point?

      Mar 13, 2009 at 4:07 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.5   Mishee bang

      I’ll show you a point mama.

      Its right here.

      No.. lower…

      Mar 13, 2009 at 4:10 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.6   vol gal

      Hey, if they would have went to UT instead of Vandy, there would be no need for poetry. The note would have read something to the effect, “I’ll tell you what, you slow-witted, summabitch, we want our Twizzlers. ” It would have been followed by pictures of several people of both sexes in full hunting camo and ammo. But of course, no one in East Tennessee would ever dream of eating a crappy candy like Twizzlers when Moon Pies are available.

      Mar 14, 2009 at 5:21 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.7   Education much?

      But if they “would have went” to Vandy, at least they would be able to say “IF THEY HAD GONE” instead of the horrible grammar used, apparently, at UT. Just sayin’…

      Mar 15, 2009 at 10:06 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.8   Ti O bang

      Whatever! If they are saying moonpies they are talking my language… Hulllllooo UT ladies! :razz:

      Mar 15, 2009 at 1:51 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.9   MW

      NONE of you should even pretend you are smart enough to have GONE to Vanderbilt. You bunch of state school going ‘tards.

      Mar 16, 2009 at 1:37 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.10   Mishee bang

      Who says I went to school at all?

      I am just naturally able to write awesome P/A notes. No college can teach that!

      Mar 16, 2009 at 1:45 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.11   MW

      Well that clearly wasn’t one of them.

      Mar 16, 2009 at 1:52 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.12   fantasy bang

      There has been not just one, but many Mishee notes to behold.

      I know for a fact there will be more to come and we will enjoy them forever and ever.

      Amen

      *sittin’ tight*

      Mar 16, 2009 at 2:04 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #10   Mishee

    To that little post it at the bottom… Do you really think you will get any attention with all the other BIG post its around?

    Gimme a break!

    Mar 13, 2009 at 9:39 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   Ti O bang

      Break me off another.

      Mar 13, 2009 at 9:42 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.2   Monkeyspeaks

      of that kit kat bar

      Mar 13, 2009 at 1:14 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.3   Beanster bang

      but it’s so nice. it’s like the writer wanted the candyman to like him/her (her) amidst the anger of her co-workers.

      she just skips the “please fill with candy” step because she assumes he will. faith in the candyman is inspiring.

      Mar 14, 2009 at 2:35 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #11   Frankie bang

    OOOOOOOOHHHHHHH! Candy man’s in big trouble now! Patty wants to see him in her office.

    It’s gonna be an all out massacre candy man beat down. :graveface:

    Mar 13, 2009 at 9:56 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   Goldie bang

      “Patty”? It looks like “fatty” to me. “Mr. Candyman, please see fatty in her office. She lost ten pounds since you stopped stocking the vending machine, and she wants to thank you in a very special way! PS. Safety word is “Kitkat”.

      Mar 13, 2009 at 10:07 am   rating: 27  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.2   Ti O bang

      Candyman is a known chubby-chaser.

      *Hi Goldie!*

      Mar 13, 2009 at 10:25 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.3   Mishee bang

      *shoots daggers with eyes*

      Mar 13, 2009 at 10:27 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.4   KatieMB bang

      I’m sure Candyman has *ways* to satisfy Patty: “Is that a Snickers in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

      Mar 13, 2009 at 5:18 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #12   ClearlyDemented

    Dear Lazy People,

    You do realize that candy is able to be purchased in stores throughout this great land? If you need a case of Twizzlers/M&M’s/KitKats to get you through a work week, here’s an idea…next time you’re at the grocery story BUY SOME.

    Love,
    The CandyMan

    P.S. With the money you save, you could also buy a 12-pack to wash that down with. The Coke guy was near-suicidal last week after you guys ran out of Diet Coke.

    Mar 13, 2009 at 10:17 am   rating: 21  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   KatieMB bang

      Who *wouldn’t* be suicidal without their Diet Coke???? *protects her can of Diet Coke*

      Mar 13, 2009 at 5:21 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.2   Canthz_B bang

      Candy is able?

      Which reminds me, where did the submitter work? The job couldn’t have involved proper usage of the English language if “a empty” and “our stomach” says anything about her former co-workers abilities in that area.

      Mar 13, 2009 at 8:11 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.3   mamason bang

      They’re probably telemarketers.

      Mar 13, 2009 at 9:11 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.4   Canthz_B bang

      Speaking of proper usage, that should be coworkers’. :oops:

      Pot, kettle, but don’t call me Black. It’s politically incorrect, and Lord knows we don’t do politically incorrect in PANworld! :-P

      Mar 13, 2009 at 9:23 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.5   Sigh

      You’re still not dead? Amazing.

      Mar 15, 2009 at 10:08 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.6   Canthz_B bang

      You’re still stalking me? Yes, I must be amazing!
      I mean look at it, you come here only to link to my comments. You don’t even read the site’s offering…you obsess over my comments.

      You make me feel so very special!! ;-)

      Mar 15, 2009 at 5:13 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.7   Saysh bang

      *I* will make you feel very special…

      Miss me, my dearest??

      Mar 16, 2009 at 1:08 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #13   Girl Friday

    That note says see?

    Why is there such a dangly on the up take of the s?

    Looks like pee to me.

    Mr Candy Man,

    Please pee (on) Patty in the office.

    Thank you.

    Mar 13, 2009 at 10:22 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #14   Quite Contrary

    Have any of these people heard of fruit?

    Mar 13, 2009 at 10:25 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   Mishee bang

      Only when accompanied by cake.

      Mar 13, 2009 at 10:28 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.2   Ti O bang

      Fruit? FRUIT Hells bells that is what lives out Frisco way. Tarnation who heard of puttin’ fruit in a CANDY machine! It ain’t no dangum fruit machine.

      Mar 13, 2009 at 10:28 am   rating: 17  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.3   Mishee bang

      Did you just call it Frisco???

      Cause you know how I (and about 800,000 other Bay Area residents) feel about that word.

      No plus for Ti O!

      Mar 13, 2009 at 10:33 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.4   Ti O bang

      I do know better Mishee™ . I was evoking the colloquialisms of a Midwesterner who are unfamiliar with the standards of the fair people who live in the City by the Bay.

      Mar 13, 2009 at 10:42 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.5   Mishee bang

      *starts humming Journey song*

      Mar 13, 2009 at 10:58 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.6   leftfoot

      Fruit?!? Fruit only comes in the form of Starbursts and Skittles, silly person.

      Mar 13, 2009 at 12:02 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.7   anglophile bang

      Oh, that’s right. All Midwesterners are ignorant rubes going around saying Frisco and buying I ♥ NT baseball caps. When we visit an area that has a Trader Joe’s, we go sight-seeing there, marveling at the Two-Buck Chuck and the chocolate case. :roll:

      *goes off, muttering incoherently*

      Mar 13, 2009 at 1:05 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.8   Ti O bang

      All of my cousins do Anglo. :roll:
      Then again they are all bean farmers and dairymen.

      Mar 13, 2009 at 1:32 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.9   aaa

      I thought you were doing a stereotypical Kentucky impersonation there, Ti O. I was wondering where all the references to the Colonel, toothlessness, bare feet, farming, and horse owning were…

      Mar 13, 2009 at 3:24 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.10   Jim

      Frisco Frisco Frisco Frisco.

      I love Frisco. It’s a lovely town in Summit County, Colo.

      Mar 13, 2009 at 4:30 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.11   Mishee bang

      *eyes begin to bleed*

      *head explodes*

      Mar 13, 2009 at 4:34 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.12   mamason bang

      purple’s a fruit

      Mar 13, 2009 at 9:12 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.13   Canthz_B bang

      So are pink and powder blue…

      Mar 13, 2009 at 9:20 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.14   Sigh

      …and most shades of black…

      Mar 15, 2009 at 10:09 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.15   mamason bang

      sigh,
      You really should change your name to “yawn”.
      Love,
      Mama
      P.S. You suck.
      P.P.S. Fuck you.
      P.P.P.S Did I mention you suck?

      Mar 16, 2009 at 2:32 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.16   Mishee bang

      mama, you say suck like its a bad thing…

      not all people who suck are automatically bad.

      Just ask Mister Mishee™…

      Mar 16, 2009 at 3:27 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #15   CS Harmonikah

    That is a horrible poem.

    Rhyming “gone” and “none”?
    If you’re going to the trouble to write and print a poem about candy, you shouldnt half-ass it.

    Mar 13, 2009 at 10:35 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   Ti O bang

      This sounds oddly familar…deja vu like almost.

      Mar 13, 2009 at 10:38 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.2   Mishee bang

      That is a horrible comment!

      Copying comment #9??

      If you are going to go to the trouble to type it up, you shouldn’t half-ass it! Make sure it hasn’t already been said!

      Mar 13, 2009 at 10:38 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #16   aaa

    Dear hungry people who work here,

    Maybe you should take the hint and eat something less laden with fat and high fructose corn syrup next time there’s no candy in here. Last time I was here, I mistook you all for a herd of manatees. Unfortunately, I can’t stick veggies and fruits in there for you fatasses to eat. (Not that you would eat them anyway…)

    - Love, the Candy Man

    Mar 13, 2009 at 11:29 am   rating: 21  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   Rachet

      *snort* manatees…ha!

      Mar 13, 2009 at 4:20 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.2   cucumber

      CANDYMAN:

      You apparently haven’t seen the Office where they’re trying to lose weight and Dwight fills the candy machine with fruits and vegetables. Otherwise, you’d be worried and you’d start stocking the machine more reliably.

      So…YES you could stick veggies and fruits in there for the fatasses! I recommend it.

      Mar 13, 2009 at 9:26 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.3   Meesh

      In the defense of these office workers, I would like to point out that the truly obese would most likely have a stash of candy at their desks (to ensure that they have their favorites and to avoid leaving their desks) and would therefore not be bothering with the candy machine. I think that the note leavers are the annoying skinny girls in the office. You know the ones. They “forget” to eat all day and then have to scavenge for food when they get to that soul-crushing point of hunger. Hence the nastiness of the PANs.

      *reaches into desk drawer for a Twix bar*

      Mar 16, 2009 at 12:43 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #17   notthemarimba

    Rhyming “hold” with “behold” is just lazy.

    Mar 13, 2009 at 11:31 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   aaa

      “You can’t rhyme ‘here’ with ‘here’! They’re the same word!”

      Mar 13, 2009 at 11:42 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.2   Mishee bang

      Tell that to Kid Rock and Brooks and Dunn.

      *my pet peeve*

      Mar 13, 2009 at 11:51 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.3   Mark bang

      All but Homer: Come on, Homer! Come on, Homer!
      Pretend this is baseball and hit us a homer!

      [Homer gets a strike; they cheer]

      Homer: By the way, guys: rhyming “Homer” with “homer”? [kisses
      fingers]

      Mar 13, 2009 at 12:34 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.4   Meesh

      Kid Rock should die in a fire. But Brooks and Dunn are alright by me.

      Mar 16, 2009 at 12:14 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #18   QuarterRoy00 bang

    I can’t imagine the trail of empty, neglected candy machines on this poor guy’s route.

    When will the horror end!

    Mar 13, 2009 at 11:37 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   Geek Goddess

      The only thing that would make it worse would be the trail of torn candy wrappers leading from machine to machine.

      Mar 13, 2009 at 4:47 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #19   Mishee bang

    These notes are the reason that the Candy Man PURPOSELY puts the candy in there so they get stuck and you have to buy two!

    Thanks for ruining it for all of us you impatient cows!

    Mar 13, 2009 at 11:52 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #20   Desuko.

    Never stand between an “artiste” and his Twizzlers. That way lies only despair and bad poetry.

    Mar 13, 2009 at 11:56 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #21   claw71 bang

    Does anybody else see a price increase in this machine’s future?

    If I had this snack-a-holics on my route I’d fill this machine with my expired stock and double down on the prices too.

    Mar 13, 2009 at 12:03 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

     
  • #22   claw71 bang

    And of course:

    I’ll stick my Twizzler in your slot, you dirty little whore!

    Mar 13, 2009 at 12:05 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

     
  • #23   Jall-apeno

    …and so it was all along Mr. Candyman’s route. Empty machines slowly disappearing beneath notes expressing anguish and anger at his inability to keep his promises.

    “Yes Patty, I swear on my grave that you will have your Oh Henry bars”.

    “Kit Kats? Oh, I have Kit Kats and would sooner die than deny you the ability to purchase such crunchy sticks of deliciousness”.

    Well, as Mr. CandyMan sat at the bottom of the ravine pinned to the floor of his delivery truck with 2 shattered femurs, a broken back, and almost no urine left to drink, he knew he had kept his promises. He knew that when he stood at the gates of heaven or hell, or whatever, that he could say that he was a man of his word. He also knew that Patty, fat, stinking, ‘Please come see me in my office so I can get my cut of the money” Patty, could take her Oh Henry bars and shove them deeply, vigorously, and repeatedly up her ass.

    Mar 13, 2009 at 12:10 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #23.1   KatieMB bang

      *all hot and bothered* Ummmm …… call me?

      Mar 13, 2009 at 5:23 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #24   amy d bang

    The Candy Man scored a Word! on this site? Hmmm, I wonder what his screen name is.

    Mar 13, 2009 at 12:26 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #25   Bernd das Brot

    I wonder why Patty doesn’t run her own little candy business out of the office. Considering how desperate people seem to be at this place she could make a lot of money selling KitKat and twizzlers.

    Mar 13, 2009 at 12:52 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #26   MinD

    That second one is beautiful. I love me some Twizzlers. Mmmm.

    Mar 13, 2009 at 1:42 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #27   Julie

    I have an idea ladies: If you really have such a problem with the service timeline, switch to a new vending company.

    Mar 13, 2009 at 1:54 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #28   Julie

    So to the sad people missing their candy (and trust me I don’t blame them at all I have a stash in one of my desk drawers at work) The vending machines at my place of work don’t have candy……….. AT ALL!! you can’t find it on the premsis unless you go to the hot dog vendor or the deli across the street. Everything is granola and soy and while I get it and sort of respect what they are trying to do, when I have a chocolate craving and can’t get any I turn into a very angry person.

    Just saying,
    :-)

    Mar 13, 2009 at 2:19 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #29   mamason bang

    “A empty machine is unaceptable” :-?

    Really? So, an full machine would be OK with you? I mean, aceptable? :rolls:

    Mar 13, 2009 at 4:19 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #30   lightspeed

    These notes are obviously not getting the Candyman’s attention because they aren’t written and decorated with brightly colored markers, hearts, clip art and lots of unnecessary punctuation.

    Mar 13, 2009 at 4:31 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #31   Canthz_B bang

    This is what happens when The Candyman gets hooked on, and begins to use his product instead of selling it.
    He’s probably in hiding because his supplier doesn’t take kindly to his dealers using.

    Mar 13, 2009 at 8:21 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #32   WinningCraps

    tres cool!

    Mar 13, 2009 at 8:27 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #32.1   Canthz_B bang

      Losing craps.

      Mar 13, 2009 at 9:29 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #32.2   Sigh

      How witty.

      Mar 15, 2009 at 10:12 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #33   Canthz_B bang

    The Candyman can’t…because he died of throat cancer in 1990. Turns out eating dishes is bad for you.

    Mar 13, 2009 at 9:30 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #33.1   se

      not the dishes I eat..

      Mar 14, 2009 at 3:21 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #34   Canthz_B bang

    What’s with the “our stomach”? Was this written by Queen Victoria?

    We are out of M&M’s, our stomach is growling, and we are not amused!

    Mar 13, 2009 at 9:49 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #34.1   Sigh

      How original.

      Mar 15, 2009 at 10:13 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #34.2   PANU bang

      The Dude wrote it, CB.

      Mar 17, 2009 at 3:45 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #35   The Candy Man

    Come over here, little girl.

    That’s it. Just get in my truck. I’ve got lots of candy for you.

    Come on, Patty. I know how you love my twizzlers.

    I saw your notes. I know you want me.

    Mar 13, 2009 at 11:50 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #35.1   KatieMB bang

      *sigh* How an one not love a man packing lots of … um … candy?

      Mar 14, 2009 at 8:55 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #35.2   KatieMB bang

      ooops, can

      Mar 14, 2009 at 9:42 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #36   Asa

    Umm, you can’t rhyme hold with behold…. Thats just silly, the word ‘hold’ is actually in the rhyming word… weak. And give this candy man a break! He is probably busy as hell. Studies show that when we are in a recession, booze, cigarette and junk food sales sky rocket…. Plus you work in an office and sit on your ass all day, why don’t you WALK to the store and buy a Cliff Bar or something… Preesh!

    Mar 14, 2009 at 4:52 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #37   TheOldSchool

    Stephanie,

    Tell your co-workers I have received their e-mails.

    Sadly, there’s not much I can do from a federal level.

    Each of our 50 states has its own set of arcane regulations concerning the allocation and distribution of resources, including vending machine candy.

    If you are located in the Chicago area, I do have some associates who can provide you all the candy you want at less than extortionate prices, provided no one in your office asks too many pesky questions.

    Sweet dreams.

    Mar 14, 2009 at 5:36 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #38   TP

    My first thought would have been “Bring some food from home you fat bitches and stop eating so much damned candy – no wonder your husbands won’t fuck you.”

    Mar 14, 2009 at 10:05 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #38.1   Canthz_B bang

      You’ve obviously never had sex with anything bigger than a twig…or your hand.
      Jerking off fantasizing about the skinny chicks in Vogue magazine isn’t having sex.

      Mar 14, 2009 at 11:47 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #38.2   Sigh

      Well, you would know.

      Mar 15, 2009 at 10:14 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #38.3   anglophile bang

      Seriously, Sigh, is this all you’re going to contribute to this site?

      Because you are deadly boring.

      Mar 15, 2009 at 10:20 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #38.4   Ti O bang

      Give me the girls with the curves and the junk in the trunk! :grin:

      Mar 15, 2009 at 2:00 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #38.5   Canthz_B bang

      Damn, Sigh, “I know you are, but what am I” is about seven times more creative than your comment.

      For the record, I’ll continue to comment against “fat jokes” when they are not funny and only exhibit a childish dislike of people who carry some extra weight.
      I will likewise continue to laugh at “fat jokes” that are funny and have some basis in the notes.
      Nothing in these notes indicated that these people were overweight and to assume that overweight people don’t have sex is to show oneself to be ignorant.

      Mar 15, 2009 at 5:06 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #38.6   aaa

      The note-writers don’t get fucked because they’re fat. They don’t get fucked because they’re incredibly lazy and entitled both in and out of the sack.

      Mar 15, 2009 at 11:29 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #38.7   aaa

      Ugh, that should be “The note-writers don’t NOT get fucked because they’re fat.” Even though that’s a double negative. :/

      Mar 15, 2009 at 11:35 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #38.8   TP

      For Canthz:

      Perhaps you should obtain the correct sex of the commenter before you make comments.

      You probably have a luggage combination of 1,2,3,4,5.

      Mar 18, 2009 at 5:58 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #38.9   Mishee bang

      Hey! That’s the combination to my air shield!

      *disclaimer: in making a joke off of TP’s “joke”, I am in not way condoning the smearing of CB in any way, shape, or form.

      I just like Mel Brooks.

      Mar 18, 2009 at 6:05 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #38.10   Saysh bang

      LUDICROUS SPEED!

      Mar 18, 2009 at 6:40 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #38.11   Canthz_B bang

      For TP:

      Both men and women are free to jerk off (yes, I consider female masturbation “jerking off”…sue me) to skinny models in Vogue magazine and pleasure themselves manually.

      Learning to speak, read and comprehend the language will help you if you want to nit-pick at others (I assume you meant ascertain, not obtain). It’s best to be right before you do so. ;-)

      Mar 21, 2009 at 3:58 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #39   blob

    It just goes to show you can’t be too careful!

    Mar 15, 2009 at 3:23 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #40   Sam

    because, you know, somebody who can’t spell just isn’t as “unaceptable” as “a empty” machine.

    Mar 15, 2009 at 7:51 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #40.1   Canthz_B bang

      I couldn’t have said it better…maybe mamason at #29 could. :-P

      Mar 15, 2009 at 8:23 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #41   fluffy8u

    Are those one eyed frownie faces?

    Mar 16, 2009 at 1:43 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #42   Andy

    Is everyone that works in that office pregnant!?

    Holy sweets upheaval, Batman!

    Mar 16, 2009 at 9:03 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #43   Meesh

    If I were the delivery person, I wouldn’t refill a damn thing until someone called me by my real name instead of “Candyman.” How about a little respect for the person who apparently makes life worth living?

    Mar 16, 2009 at 12:26 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #44   Meesh

    I love Patty’s note to see her in “the Office.”

    “Really? You mean this office I’m standing in right now? You couldn’t be more specific with like a room or cubical number? Or how about a last name? What were you picturing, exactly? Should I just walk around all the floors yelling ‘Patty?’”

    Mar 16, 2009 at 12:32 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #44.1   Bernd das Brot bang

      You’ll know Patty when you see her.

      Mar 17, 2009 at 10:05 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #44.2   TP

      It’s actually a very round person wearing silver cellophane wrap and she goes by her surname – her first name is “York”.

      Mar 18, 2009 at 6:00 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #45   Stuff Queer People Need To Know

    The top notes are ridiculous, but the last one is cute and not exactly passive aggressive.

    Mar 16, 2009 at 2:41 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #45.1   fantasy bang

      A good freind of mine always says, don’t go pimpin around PAN!

      Mar 16, 2009 at 2:58 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #46   Isuck

    Who here isn’t a fat woman, gay man, or transvestite?

    Mar 17, 2009 at 12:46 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #46.1   amy d bang

      Sorry, I’m all three.

      Mar 17, 2009 at 2:08 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #46.2   Themiki

      Gay skinny woman, representin’ yo.

      I work for hippies, and we have a machine full of soy based snacks, but someone threw a big enough fit to score us a real live candy dispensing candy machine too. Yay for getting to choose if I want to be healthy or not.

      Mar 17, 2009 at 3:02 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #46.3   In your ear

      by not eating soy you’re killing african babies and giving blood money to the terrorists.

      Mar 18, 2009 at 8:07 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #46.4   Mishee bang

      I would have to say that #46′s screen name is by far the most accurate I’ve seen to date.

      P.S. Amy – I love you.

      Mar 18, 2009 at 6:13 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #46.5   KatieMB bang

      I hate it when the terrorists win!

      *eats more soy*

      Mar 18, 2009 at 6:59 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #47   BrownEye

    To me it sounds as though Patty is a Manager or CFO. It sounds like everyone knows Patty. Her small quickly scribbled note also indicates that she doesn’t need to be flashy, shes in charge.

    So why didn’t somebody rip all the other notes down and let who ever orders candy and office supplies take care of it.

    I bet that office is one miserable place. They have notes covering the bathroom walls on how to stop Rocket Pubes and Fecal Mist. Then to use the coffee machine you have to read a 300 page handbook pass an exam then get an electronic pass card to activate it.

    People get so worked up over the dumbest things. People being irrational makes me get me pissed. (usually cause the notes are for me)

    Mar 17, 2009 at 2:28 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #48   Fabulastic

    Judging by their strong craving for trash candy bars I can just imagine the sizes of their asses…

    Mar 24, 2009 at 1:22 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #49   Maeve

    The poem just brings it to a whole new level. It’s darling!

    Mar 26, 2009 at 3:37 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #50   SCOTT

    I am sorry but… BRING YOUR OWN SNACKS TO FUCKING WORK THEN :/. I do it all the time! Sum up some fucking will power and take the time out of your day to just make a snack *sigh*.

    Apr 7, 2009 at 2:16 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #50.1   Mishee™ bang

      Sum some fucking?

      I haven’t heard of that kind yet…

      Apr 7, 2009 at 2:17 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #50.2   Mishee™ bang

      *knows better than to make fun of someone’s comment until the 5 min edit time runs out*

      dammit.

      *sigh*

      Apr 7, 2009 at 2:27 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #51   plasticwrapcharlie bang

    I love how all the notes are attacking “the candy man” except for the one that’s all sweet that asks all nicely if he could put Kit Kats in the machine, and says thanks. I just think it’s funny. like, “oh! well if he’s taking care of things, maybe I could get him to do this!” all nice and innocent. Candy man here will probably replace the twizzlers with the kit kats since that woman (or man, I suppose- it was written in pink though) was nice.

    Apr 11, 2009 at 6:57 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #52   The Twix Conspiracy | PassiveAggressiveNotes.com — funny (if not necessarily "passive-aggressive") notes from pissed-off people

    [...] in the hardest hit areas, shortages have led hungry Twix lovers to beg for mercy from The Man [...]

    May 24, 2010 at 7:44 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     

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