“one morning last summer,” writes stephanie in illinois, “my brother and i arrived at the company where we worked to find these notes posted to the candy vending machine. (mind you, it was 8:45 in the morning.) apparently, the man who fills the vending machines — a.k.a ‘the candy man’ — had failed to restock the machine for a week, and the ladies of the office had had enough.” i mean, really. we’re talking about a serious breach of the social contract here, people!
stephanie and i were both particularly tickled by the the “gas prices” note at top right. (”what does that even mean?” she wonders.)
meanwhile, lisa in nashville spotted this note posted on the vending machine in the studio arts building at vanderbilt university. “there had been many previous notes asking (nicely) for more twizzlers,” lisa says, but as desperation set in, at least one distraught staff member decided to get all lyrical on candyman’s ass.
related: the pepsi challenge
154 responses so far ↓
#1
Mishee
The Candy Man can, cause he mixes it with love and makes the world taste good…
Yeah, thanks for that earworm kerry!!!
Mar 13, 2009 at 9:21 am rating: +16
#2
Mishee
I misspelt P/A note is just unaceptable!
(I would also comment on kerry’s misspelling/typo in the intro, but I don’t want to anger the Goddess)
Mar 13, 2009 at 9:22 am rating: +1
#3
Ti O
Oh my god they did say Candyman three times! Now they are doomed because they have summoned the demons of Almond Un-joy!
Mar 13, 2009 at 9:25 am rating: +34
#4
bullwinkle
a passive aggressive note gang bang
Mar 13, 2009 at 9:31 am rating: +16
#5
Rachet
Wait…is there an “s” at the end of “stomach” or…
They share one stomach!?
And it’s the cause of high gas prices??
For god’s sake, just walk to the nearest Circle K. (or whatever is nearby)
Mar 13, 2009 at 9:31 am rating: +2
#6
Mishee
WTF? Why is there so much upheaval over twizzlers?
I thought we already covered this before…
Twizzlers are teh suck.
Mar 13, 2009 at 9:32 am rating: +12
#7
Ti O
Mr. Candyman was adverse to commitment and it showed in all of his relationships.
“Dear ladies at the Illinois office of Dekalb feed, I am just not that into you.”
Mar 13, 2009 at 9:35 am rating: +24
#8
Mishee
I wonder if the “Patty” that wanted to see him in the office was “Peppermint Patty”
Mar 13, 2009 at 9:37 am rating: +16
#9
Ti O
Seriously gone and none
how do those rhyme? Maybe my regional dialect has me pronouncing them in a way that is different from the note writers. That and I didn’t go to a hoity toity named school like Vanderbilt.
Mar 13, 2009 at 9:39 am rating: +8
#10
Mishee
To that little post it at the bottom… Do you really think you will get any attention with all the other BIG post its around?
Gimme a break!
Mar 13, 2009 at 9:39 am rating: +4
#11
Frankie
OOOOOOOOHHHHHHH! Candy man’s in big trouble now! Patty wants to see him in her office.
It’s gonna be an all out massacre candy man beat down. :graveface:
Mar 13, 2009 at 9:56 am rating: +7
#12
ClearlyDemented
Dear Lazy People,
You do realize that candy is able to be purchased in stores throughout this great land? If you need a case of Twizzlers/M&M’s/KitKats to get you through a work week, here’s an idea…next time you’re at the grocery story BUY SOME.
Love,
The CandyMan
P.S. With the money you save, you could also buy a 12-pack to wash that down with. The Coke guy was near-suicidal last week after you guys ran out of Diet Coke.
Mar 13, 2009 at 10:17 am rating: +21
#13
Girl Friday
That note says see?
Why is there such a dangly on the up take of the s?
Looks like pee to me.
Mr Candy Man,
Please pee (on) Patty in the office.
Thank you.
Mar 13, 2009 at 10:22 am rating: +4
#14
Quite Contrary
Have any of these people heard of fruit?
Mar 13, 2009 at 10:25 am rating: +1
#15
CS Harmonikah
That is a horrible poem.
Rhyming “gone” and “none”?
If you’re going to the trouble to write and print a poem about candy, you shouldnt half-ass it.
Mar 13, 2009 at 10:35 am rating: +3
#16
aaa
Dear hungry people who work here,
Maybe you should take the hint and eat something less laden with fat and high fructose corn syrup next time there’s no candy in here. Last time I was here, I mistook you all for a herd of manatees. Unfortunately, I can’t stick veggies and fruits in there for you fatasses to eat. (Not that you would eat them anyway…)
- Love, the Candy Man
Mar 13, 2009 at 11:29 am rating: +21
#17
notthemarimba
Rhyming “hold” with “behold” is just lazy.
Mar 13, 2009 at 11:31 am rating: +4
#18
QuarterRoy00
I can’t imagine the trail of empty, neglected candy machines on this poor guy’s route.
When will the horror end!
Mar 13, 2009 at 11:37 am rating: +2
#19
Mishee
These notes are the reason that the Candy Man PURPOSELY puts the candy in there so they get stuck and you have to buy two!
Thanks for ruining it for all of us you impatient cows!
Mar 13, 2009 at 11:52 am rating: +4
#20
Desuko.
Never stand between an “artiste” and his Twizzlers. That way lies only despair and bad poetry.
Mar 13, 2009 at 11:56 am rating: +6
#21
claw71
Does anybody else see a price increase in this machine’s future?
If I had this snack-a-holics on my route I’d fill this machine with my expired stock and double down on the prices too.
Mar 13, 2009 at 12:03 pm rating: +15
#22
claw71
And of course:
I’ll stick my Twizzler in your slot, you dirty little whore!
Mar 13, 2009 at 12:05 pm rating: +10
#23
Jall-apeno
…and so it was all along Mr. Candyman’s route. Empty machines slowly disappearing beneath notes expressing anguish and anger at his inability to keep his promises.
“Yes Patty, I swear on my grave that you will have your Oh Henry bars”.
“Kit Kats? Oh, I have Kit Kats and would sooner die than deny you the ability to purchase such crunchy sticks of deliciousness”.
Well, as Mr. CandyMan sat at the bottom of the ravine pinned to the floor of his delivery truck with 2 shattered femurs, a broken back, and almost no urine left to drink, he knew he had kept his promises. He knew that when he stood at the gates of heaven or hell, or whatever, that he could say that he was a man of his word. He also knew that Patty, fat, stinking, ‘Please come see me in my office so I can get my cut of the money” Patty, could take her Oh Henry bars and shove them deeply, vigorously, and repeatedly up her ass.
Mar 13, 2009 at 12:10 pm rating: +11
#24
amy d
The Candy Man scored a Word! on this site? Hmmm, I wonder what his screen name is.
Mar 13, 2009 at 12:26 pm rating: +1
#25
Bernd das Brot
I wonder why Patty doesn’t run her own little candy business out of the office. Considering how desperate people seem to be at this place she could make a lot of money selling KitKat and twizzlers.
Mar 13, 2009 at 12:52 pm rating: +3
#26
MinD
That second one is beautiful. I love me some Twizzlers. Mmmm.
Mar 13, 2009 at 1:42 pm rating: +1
#27
Julie
I have an idea ladies: If you really have such a problem with the service timeline, switch to a new vending company.
Mar 13, 2009 at 1:54 pm rating: +1
#28
Julie
So to the sad people missing their candy (and trust me I don’t blame them at all I have a stash in one of my desk drawers at work) The vending machines at my place of work don’t have candy……….. AT ALL!! you can’t find it on the premsis unless you go to the hot dog vendor or the deli across the street. Everything is granola and soy and while I get it and sort of respect what they are trying to do, when I have a chocolate craving and can’t get any I turn into a very angry person.
Just saying,
Mar 13, 2009 at 2:19 pm rating: +1
#29
mamason
“A empty machine is unaceptable”
Really? So, an full machine would be OK with you? I mean, aceptable? :rolls:
Mar 13, 2009 at 4:19 pm rating: +2
#30
lightspeed
These notes are obviously not getting the Candyman’s attention because they aren’t written and decorated with brightly colored markers, hearts, clip art and lots of unnecessary punctuation.
Mar 13, 2009 at 4:31 pm rating: +4
#31
Canthz_B
This is what happens when The Candyman gets hooked on, and begins to use his product instead of selling it.
He’s probably in hiding because his supplier doesn’t take kindly to his dealers using.
Mar 13, 2009 at 8:21 pm rating: +6
#32
WinningCraps
tres cool!
Mar 13, 2009 at 8:27 pm rating: 0
#33
Canthz_B
The Candyman can’t…because he died of throat cancer in 1990. Turns out eating dishes is bad for you.
Mar 13, 2009 at 9:30 pm rating: +4
#34
Canthz_B
What’s with the “our stomach”? Was this written by Queen Victoria?
We are out of M&M’s, our stomach is growling, and we are not amused!
Mar 13, 2009 at 9:49 pm rating: +6
#35
The Candy Man
Come over here, little girl.
That’s it. Just get in my truck. I’ve got lots of candy for you.
Come on, Patty. I know how you love my twizzlers.
I saw your notes. I know you want me.
Mar 13, 2009 at 11:50 pm rating: +3
#36
Asa
Umm, you can’t rhyme hold with behold…. Thats just silly, the word ‘hold’ is actually in the rhyming word… weak. And give this candy man a break! He is probably busy as hell. Studies show that when we are in a recession, booze, cigarette and junk food sales sky rocket…. Plus you work in an office and sit on your ass all day, why don’t you WALK to the store and buy a Cliff Bar or something… Preesh!
Mar 14, 2009 at 4:52 pm rating: +2
#37
TheOldSchool
Stephanie,
Tell your co-workers I have received their e-mails.
Sadly, there’s not much I can do from a federal level.
Each of our 50 states has its own set of arcane regulations concerning the allocation and distribution of resources, including vending machine candy.
If you are located in the Chicago area, I do have some associates who can provide you all the candy you want at less than extortionate prices, provided no one in your office asks too many pesky questions.
Sweet dreams.
Mar 14, 2009 at 5:36 pm rating: +5
#38
TP
My first thought would have been “Bring some food from home you fat bitches and stop eating so much damned candy – no wonder your husbands won’t fuck you.”
Mar 14, 2009 at 10:05 pm rating: +1
#39
blob
It just goes to show you can’t be too careful!
Mar 15, 2009 at 3:23 pm rating: 0
#40
Sam
because, you know, somebody who can’t spell just isn’t as “unaceptable” as “a empty” machine.
Mar 15, 2009 at 7:51 pm rating: +1
#41
fluffy8u
Are those one eyed frownie faces?
Mar 16, 2009 at 1:43 am rating: 0
#42
Andy
Is everyone that works in that office pregnant!?
Holy sweets upheaval, Batman!
Mar 16, 2009 at 9:03 am rating: +2
#43
Meesh
If I were the delivery person, I wouldn’t refill a damn thing until someone called me by my real name instead of “Candyman.” How about a little respect for the person who apparently makes life worth living?
Mar 16, 2009 at 12:26 pm rating: +3
#44
Meesh
I love Patty’s note to see her in “the Office.”
“Really? You mean this office I’m standing in right now? You couldn’t be more specific with like a room or cubical number? Or how about a last name? What were you picturing, exactly? Should I just walk around all the floors yelling ‘Patty?’”
Mar 16, 2009 at 12:32 pm rating: +1
#45
Stuff Queer People Need To Know
The top notes are ridiculous, but the last one is cute and not exactly passive aggressive.
Mar 16, 2009 at 2:41 pm rating: 0
#46
Isuck
Who here isn’t a fat woman, gay man, or transvestite?
Mar 17, 2009 at 12:46 pm rating: 0
#47
BrownEye
To me it sounds as though Patty is a Manager or CFO. It sounds like everyone knows Patty. Her small quickly scribbled note also indicates that she doesn’t need to be flashy, shes in charge.
So why didn’t somebody rip all the other notes down and let who ever orders candy and office supplies take care of it.
I bet that office is one miserable place. They have notes covering the bathroom walls on how to stop Rocket Pubes and Fecal Mist. Then to use the coffee machine you have to read a 300 page handbook pass an exam then get an electronic pass card to activate it.
People get so worked up over the dumbest things. People being irrational makes me get me pissed. (usually cause the notes are for me)
Mar 17, 2009 at 2:28 pm rating: 0
#48
Fabulastic
Judging by their strong craving for trash candy bars I can just imagine the sizes of their asses…
Mar 24, 2009 at 1:22 pm rating: 0
#49
Maeve
The poem just brings it to a whole new level. It’s darling!
Mar 26, 2009 at 3:37 pm rating: 0
#50
SCOTT
I am sorry but… BRING YOUR OWN SNACKS TO FUCKING WORK THEN :/. I do it all the time! Sum up some fucking will power and take the time out of your day to just make a snack *sigh*.
Apr 7, 2009 at 2:16 pm rating: 0
#51
plasticwrapcharlie
I love how all the notes are attacking “the candy man” except for the one that’s all sweet that asks all nicely if he could put Kit Kats in the machine, and says thanks. I just think it’s funny. like, “oh! well if he’s taking care of things, maybe I could get him to do this!” all nice and innocent. Candy man here will probably replace the twizzlers with the kit kats since that woman (or man, I suppose- it was written in pink though) was nice.
Apr 11, 2009 at 6:57 am rating: 0
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