Our submitter, Glenn, says this all-staff e-mail “just kinda sucked the life out of us” around his office. “It was like a Mom saying ‘Guess what, kids?” in a really excited voice, and then saying ‘You’re going to the dentist!!!‘”
But the best part of this note — besides the pitch-perfect forced jollity — is the fact that at the time this message was sent, only one person in the office (Glenn) happened to have long sideburns and a “fun” faux hawk. So, gosh darn it, life is still good!
related: the classic all-staff e-mail
116 responses so far ↓
#1
Geek Goddess
Sometimes I wear pantyhose and a tie, sometimes I wear pantyhose, sometimes I just wear the tie. Variety, I love it!
Mar 23, 2009 at 7:30 pm rating: +24
#2
JoelWhy
“Way too much energy is going into discussions about whether or not we’re wearing jeans each week.”
So, wouldn’t an equally simple solution have been to just allow jeans every week? Even Hitler let his Gestapo wear jeans on Friday. I think that officially makes you worse than Hitler!
Mar 23, 2009 at 7:37 pm rating: +36
#3
Liz
My favorite part of this is that the writer tries to indicate that this isn’t a big deal by writing 3 full paragraphs of text and sending it “high priority.” That’s the perfect way to get the “it’s not a big deal” idea across.
Mar 23, 2009 at 7:37 pm rating: +54
#4
Ti O
I opt for wearing just a smile….
Oh and shoes.
Mar 23, 2009 at 7:38 pm rating: +9
#5
anglophile
I’m liking the subject line and thinking of stealing it for my own use at work.
It’s Official–No Raises This Year!
It’s Official–Microwave Privileges Revoked!
It’s Official–You’re Fired!
Snappy way to start an e-mail.
Mar 23, 2009 at 7:49 pm rating: +47
#6
dinalily
Re: It’s Official – No Fun!
Hey Guys!
Have you ever heard the phrase – “it’s not what you say but how you say it?” That is a great way to describe how I’m going to break all this bad news to you while speaking in a chipper and sing-song voice, much in the same way i speak to my dogs when I tell them what bad little puppies they are!!!
Way too much energy is going into what is labeled as “fun” and keeping up the morale around here! Sure, the economy is in the can and it’s looking grim out there, but you should all be very grateful that you even have jobs!
On that note, we had a nice little chat about this in the management meeting this afternoon and decided that there will no longer be a focus on morale! Nor will there be breaks, benefits, lunches, or lighting! All the computers in this office really provide enough lighting, right!?!?
This is a great place to work and if you want to stay employed and keep receiving your paychecks on time, don’t buck the system. Think of all the fun things that are already built into your job! Spreadsheets, audits, and accounting, oh my!
We don’t want to be like one of those “other firms” that don’t appreciate or show loyalty to their employees, so you will still be allowed to leave early on Friday as long as you have completed your mandatory 50 hours of work and given that you are an exempt salaried employee (congratulations!) there will be no overtime paid!
Wow! I feel that these changes will be really productive! Remember we are a TEAM! And just think – you’re still employed!!!
XOXO
Management!
Mar 23, 2009 at 7:54 pm rating: +62
#7
lightspeed
Translation: We, the management, enjoyed wearing jeans for a while until we saw how you all (the peons) looked in them. From now on, We will only stand to see you in them when we are sending you on crappy business trips We don’t want to go on, or making you perform massive amounts of manual labor that We would not be caught dead doing. Until otherwise notified, please wear loose-fitting non-interesting business casual attire so we don’t have to notice your mom jeans, poor taste and/or cameltoe.
Sincerely,
The Management
P.S. Please note how incredibly lucky you are to work with such awesome Management that lets you wear your hair in a way other than the comb-over We have approved. Please feel free to thank us now.
The royal We have spoken.
Mar 23, 2009 at 7:59 pm rating: +22
#8
Mausie
This message was sent with High Importance.
Mar 23, 2009 at 8:00 pm rating: +1
#9
zenvelo
oh goodie, no jeans! clothing optional!
and who is management to say the ‘hawk is faux?
Mar 23, 2009 at 8:00 pm rating: +6
#10
Tricia
LOL – love it! See now at my office they send out the occasional email to let us know clients are coming in – we can still wear jeans but should dress them up a bit those days. The rest of the time jeans, sneaks and ratty hoodies are perfectly acceptable attire at my office.
Mar 23, 2009 at 8:06 pm rating: +4
#11
Canthz_B
If they’re worried about time spent by lesser-paid employees wondering about jeans Friday, you’d think they wouldn’t have wasted the really expensive time discussing it in a managers’ meeting.
Besides, we all know this was the idea of that creepy VP of Planning & Development who’s always at the bottom of the stairs looking up ladies’ skirts!
Mar 23, 2009 at 8:09 pm rating: +11
#12
hellocello
I wonder if real mohawks and actual beards are allowed?
Mar 23, 2009 at 8:20 pm rating: +3
#13
Mishee
This is when you just click on the “Junk E-Mail” button and say you never got it.
Mar 23, 2009 at 8:27 pm rating: +3
#14
Daniel15
Wow, 2007? Took ages for it to be submitted to the site.
Mar 23, 2009 at 9:09 pm rating: +2
#15
TheOldSchool
I was going to make it my life’s purpose to see that Glenn gets fired a.s.a.p.
Then I came to my senses and realized that just seeing him fired wasn’t enough.
My sense of propriety requires that I see video footage of Glenn “just kinda” having “the life sucked out of” him — preferably, by his co-workers, friends, and family members.
(Ideally, everyone, except Glenn, will be wearing jeans.)
Bonus points for trimming his stupid sideburns and shaving his head.
Mar 23, 2009 at 10:04 pm rating: +6
#16
jenocide
“I don’t think the jeans policy will make a huge difference.”
Then why bother? Let the people have their denim!
Mar 23, 2009 at 10:14 pm rating: +6
#17
aaa
Well, at least the chupacabra of fun is grammatically correct.
Mar 23, 2009 at 10:17 pm rating: +6
#18
aaa
Glenn, what the hell did you to to ruin Denim Friday for everyone? Were you wearing your daisy dukes again?
Mar 23, 2009 at 10:22 pm rating: +6
#19
Canthz_B
Everyone there should invest in a really butt-ugly suit/outfit to wear to work each Friday. Management will soon get the idea and jeans will once again reign supreme, at least on Fridays.
Mar 23, 2009 at 10:48 pm rating: +12
#20
Alex Engel
I just love how the message was sent with “high importance”
Mar 23, 2009 at 11:00 pm rating: +1
#21
Wade
Just because you are pissed off about finding a note from the rancher down the road tacked to the front door of your mcmansion, that’s no reason to take it out on jeans-wearing co-workers.
Mar 23, 2009 at 11:28 pm rating: +9
#22
Smiff
Fine. No pants on fridays it is then. Its cool I can keep my faux hawk
Mar 24, 2009 at 12:35 am rating: +5
#23
Canthz_B
“it was like a mom saying ‘guess what, kids?” in a really excited voice, and then saying “you’re going to the dentist!!!”?
I can’t help wondering why Glenn didn’t know what was coming, given that the subject of the email is “It’s Official – No Jeans!”
Is it possible that these people really did spend too much time speculating over such a trivial thing?
I mean, if they were fooled by this memo into thinking anything other than “No Jeans” was going to be in it…
Mar 24, 2009 at 12:47 am rating: +5
#24
Canthz_B
You know, when you analyze the Bible using The Dress Code, you get all kinds of predictions about the future of fashion.
Mar 24, 2009 at 1:30 am rating: +1
#25
Grimfool_Reluctant
Since you guys like the Animals (& you know who and what I mean), this is to the tune of “House of the Rising Sun”
There is an office with no blue jeans
They say it will still be fun
And it’s been the ruin of many a faux hawk
And God, I know I’m wearing one
My manager sent email
She banned my new blue jeans
My post went up on ramblin’ PAN
‘Bout an office with no blue jeans
Now the only thing a manager sees
Is too much of a good thing
And they had a chat about the situation,
But the verdict still seems mean.
—organ solo by Canthz B!—
Oh manager will you tell us
When the storage room will be cleaned?
Let us know well in advance
In this office with no blue jeans
Well, I got suits and ties and pantyhose
And a razor for my face
This office with no blue jeans
Is just another stuffy place
There is an office with no blue jeans
They say it will still be fun
And it’s been the ruin of many a faux hawk
And God, I know I’m wearing one
Mar 24, 2009 at 3:23 am rating: +16
#26
James
…office bukaki day will continue as per usual.
Mar 24, 2009 at 5:35 am rating: +8
#27
Rowdy
“Hey GUYS, …where we’re expected to wear pantyhose…”
I’m English and I can still recognise this as being wrong.
Mar 24, 2009 at 6:53 am rating: +5
#28
Holiday Djinn
This is another office email, in the line of “The beatings will continue until office moral improves”.
Mar 24, 2009 at 7:08 am rating: +4
#29
fantasy
What is with the jeans anyway, it’s not like they want pajama day or crossdressers day.
No, you will not have to see that bald guy in accounting wearing heels and makeup.
That’s right, he can do that any day, it is his right. We can not be puttin’ undue strain on the crossdressers, they may sue the company.
Mar 24, 2009 at 7:47 am rating: +3
#30
claw71
Hey douche!
Never mind the fact that I’m more productive on Fridays when I can dress comfortably rather than the rest of the week where I feel like some sort of corporate stooge decked out in pleated Dockers and company polo shirt with an itchy embroidered logo right over my left nipple.
Since most of our business is conducted through the website and the rest is done over the phone, the customers couldn’t care less what I’m wearing but my idiot boss who took a couple of business management courses at community college en route to his useless communications degree still believes in the old “dress for success mantra”; ironic considering he’s been coming to work in a suit everyday for the past 10 years and still hasn’t risen beyond the position of branch manager.
I suppose I wouldn’t resent your decision to eliminate casual Friday if you weren’t so patently incompetent in every aspect of your job. Our weekly sales pep talks are just snippets of prose you stole out of whatever Zig Ziglar book you found in the clearance bin at Borders and you’re idea of constructive criticism is to whine passive-aggressively that we aren’t up-selling enough. Malissa’s over there in the corner taking two hour lunches and stealing clients away from us because she’s always picking off inbound calls but you won’t say anything to her because she’s suffering from chronic depression.
If the economy didn’t suck royal balls right now, I’d come in this friday wearing a tutu and take a dump right in the middle of your desk, but there are bills to pay and my options don’t look so good right now. So I’ll play along. I’ll refrain from wearing jeans on Friday but after work when I meet your wife at the Motel 6, I’m not wearing a condom and I won’t be pulling out either. Hope you enjoy raising my kid, you flacid little prick, but hey, life’s still good, right?
Mar 24, 2009 at 9:08 am rating: +34
#31
DearJane
*shudders* at the though of her co-workers in tutus and fishnets…
Mar 24, 2009 at 9:58 am rating: +1
#32
CS Harmonikah
faux-hawks should be banned not just in the office but everywhere in society.
Faux-hawks are in the Axis of Evil of Making People look like Complete D-bags
Mar 24, 2009 at 10:33 am rating: +2
#33
riskatstake
‘pants-optional tuesday’ so beats the hell out of ‘jeans friday’
Mar 24, 2009 at 11:03 am rating: +1
#34
GhostWriter
I’m trying to figure out how jeans are supposed “to motivate folks during crazy times.”
That crazy Slingblade dude wore denim everyday, and the only thing he was motivated to do was slam a lawnmower blade into middle of Doyle’s head. Clearly, the jeans weren’t working on him.
Mar 24, 2009 at 11:05 am rating: +3
#35
jes562
I dont know what kind of office this is but… Im gunna guess these are engineers. Only engineers would spend so much time worrying about jeans!
I actually think I used to work for this company… and I got written up for my effing jeans! The fact that this supervisor took the time to have a meeting about jeans, then write a full page email about JEANS, and included that you get to look as craaaaazy as glenn to cheer the staff up, really makes me want to stab her in the eye. Or stab myself in the eye. Doesnt really matter as long as someones eye gets stabbed. Ahhh gotta love corporate America! (note this is dated April of 2007, who wants to take bets if this company is still around?)
Mar 24, 2009 at 11:25 am rating: +3
#36
OhSnap!
I think this is one of the deleted scenes from “Office Space”
Mar 24, 2009 at 11:31 am rating: +2
#37
IdlingEric
I work for an engineering company and all we wear are jeans. It was the tightassed P-A finance types that wanted to institute a more formal restrictive dress code. They were promptly sacked.
Mar 24, 2009 at 11:39 am rating: +1
#38
TC
This is why working in an office sucks ass.
Mar 24, 2009 at 11:57 am rating: +1
#39
Black'N Gold
I was in an office with a similar situation. We were half a block from a Football stadium. Our parking lot was blocked for game day parking if there was one during the week.
Anyway long story short a notice similar to this went up by a manager who just relocated from the other side of the country. No Football Jerseys. Ever. We smacked his team down two weeks later. Thank God I was out of that office before the Superbowl.
Mar 24, 2009 at 12:40 pm rating: 0
#40
mamason
I think I worked for this dumb bitch years ago. She had one of those really obvious face lifts that made it look like she was pulling some serious G’s.
Mar 24, 2009 at 1:03 pm rating: +1
#41
TheOldSchool
Yet another reason why I tell my parishioners: “Don’t buy ‘Gesiers confit de Humain gras.’”
The human body doesn’t have a ventriculus, a gastric mill, or a gigerium.
Mar 24, 2009 at 1:37 pm rating: 0
#42
DearJane
A co-worker of mine decided it was whip it out wednesday once and didn’t tell anyone he had created this holiday. Imagine my suprise!
Mar 24, 2009 at 1:37 pm rating: +3
#43
Andreas
Hmmm… I fear the days of Nude Thursdays are numbered in my company…
Mar 24, 2009 at 2:54 pm rating: 0
#44
OhSnap!
It’s official – your soul was fucking delicious
Mar 24, 2009 at 4:00 pm rating: +2
#45
soz
reply to all:
so, are we wearing jeans this friday or not?
thanks terry!
Mar 24, 2009 at 4:24 pm rating: +4
#46
SS
They should be worried more about having an office so boring that the mention of Jeans Friday causes such an excitement among the workers than they should be about the excitement over Jeans Friday.
Mar 24, 2009 at 9:15 pm rating: +1
#47
StaleCake
@SS: Actually it’s even worse. How much worse? They consider a “special event” to be cleaning out a storage room.
o.O
Luckily they will notify everyone! I guess management’s reasoning is “They’ll come for the jeans-wearing, but they’ll STAY for the storage room cleaning!” Excitement!!!!!
Mar 25, 2009 at 3:23 pm rating: +2
#48
wicked opinion
I think it’s veeeeeehweee interesting (but stupid!) of these “management” types to put such asinine (i just LOVE that word – it’s like a complete vitamin in word form) “policies” in force. I’m pretty sure it is ILLEGAL to tell your employees what kind of haircuts and facial hair they are “allowed” to wear. Even if it wasn’t, can you imagine the civil rights PARTY that would happen if someone actually got fired over mutton chops? or a faux hawk? And I thought my boss was a micro-manager…. (we must dump our left-over drinks on the hydrangeas, NOT in the parking lot.)
Mar 26, 2009 at 9:04 am rating: 0
#49
Bald Outing
my job is casual, but people know if they need to dress up for something work related and then they do. i feel in a more laid back environment, where you are treated like an adult, you end up being more productive, 1) you are more comfortable, 2) you feel more respected and 3) you do not waste office time discussing bullsh*t things (a managers meeting to discuss wearing jeans? what a waste of company money/time!)
Mar 28, 2009 at 11:48 am rating: 0
#50
H P
Thank goodness someone has come to their senses……jeans make my @$$ look huge!!!!
Mar 29, 2009 at 12:27 am rating: +1
#51
Jargoon
Haha I worked at a place that did the exact same thing
Apr 19, 2009 at 2:46 am rating: 0
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