93 responses so far ↓

• #1   EyeHeartA2

  My Grandma Pie thinks any day on the right side of the sod is a good one.

  My Grandma Cake, not so much.

  Mar 24, 2009 at 3:55 pm   rating: +7  
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  • #1.1   KatieMB

    Grandma Cookies are [typically] sweet, but we all know that only Grandma Cakes get to celebrate birthdays. I especially love Grandma Chocolate Cake but I love Grandma Lemon Cake too.

    Mar 24, 2009 at 4:44 pm   rating: +2  
     
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• #2   Mishee

  If both of my grandmas have passed on, does that mean I am not a granddaughter after all?

  (BTW Kerry, it seems your grandma cookie does guilt as well as she does mandelbrot!)

  Mar 24, 2009 at 3:57 pm   rating: +8  
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  • #2.1   PANU

    If you die and your grandkids don’t notice, are you still dead?

    Mar 24, 2009 at 4:02 pm   rating: +34  
     

  • #2.2   Chinchillazilla

    No. Which is why my grandfather will live forever.

    (Oh snap.)

    Mar 24, 2009 at 4:29 pm   rating: +6  
     

  • #2.3   park rose

    Oh, that was guilt was it? I thought it was a Zen koan.

    Mar 24, 2009 at 8:43 pm   rating: +3  
     

  • #2.4   Canthz_B

    I’d like to be in one of those “…& Sons” or “…Bros.”

    It must be nice to have an answer when someone asks “Who died and made you boss?”

    Happy Birthday Grandma Cookie! May you live as long as you want, and never want as long as you live!

    Mar 24, 2009 at 10:04 pm   rating: +3  
     

  • #2.5   Cap J

    “may you live as long as you want”

    Pssh, that line’s bs. Didn’t you know suicide is illegal in some places? More like, “may you live until something kills you”.

    Mar 25, 2009 at 5:38 am   rating: +2  
     

  • #2.6   se

    “Didn’t you know suicide is illegal in some places”
    that’s interesting, what do the authorities charge a recent suicide with? littering?
    What’s the usual punishment for killing oneself?

    Mar 25, 2009 at 1:58 pm   rating: +3  
     

  • #2.7   ™Eehsim

    se – I was thinking if they fail then they could just be sentenced to death? I mean, its basically attempted murder, right?

    Mar 25, 2009 at 2:01 pm   rating: +2  
     

  • #2.8   Lorelie

    If you’re in the US Army and attempt suicide it’s destruction of government property.

    Mar 25, 2009 at 3:25 pm   rating: +4  
     

  • #2.9   Canthz_B

    Obviously, the punishment for a failed suicide is life.

    Mar 25, 2009 at 8:27 pm   rating: +6  
     
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• #3   Old Ladies Driving

  Happy Birthday Grandma…from two fabulous old ladies to another!

  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=39A2J-yo2Nc

  Mar 24, 2009 at 3:59 pm   rating: +1  
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  • #3.1   Mishee

    Wow. Not only are you a troll, but an extremely spry troll with great reflexes to jump on this thread so quickly!!

    Mar 24, 2009 at 4:07 pm   rating: +5  
     

  • #3.2   park rose

    A spry troll. Love it, Mish.

    Mar 24, 2009 at 8:44 pm   rating: +2  
     

  • #3.3   Mishee

    Well rose, considering that an old lady posted it, I would think that “spry” is an accurate term. I mean, she got post #3! That’s impressive! I’m only 29 and I rarely get post #3!

    Mar 25, 2009 at 10:26 am   rating: +1  
     
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• #4   amy d

  If your grandma sends you a P/A email and you don’t reply, is she still a martyr?

  Mar 24, 2009 at 4:13 pm   rating: +35  
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  • #4.1   you suck at craigslist

    Don’t mind her, she’ll just sit there in the dark.

    Mar 24, 2009 at 10:36 pm   rating: +6  
     

  • #4.2   anglophile

    In her babushka.

    Mar 25, 2009 at 10:01 am   rating: +5  
     
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• #5   Ti O

  Don’t tell her you stopped by on Saturday but missed her because she was at her ladies bowling league, you should know she doesn’t fucking roll on Shomer shabbos!

  Mar 24, 2009 at 4:20 pm   rating: +5  
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  • #5.1   Mishee

    Gee, this seems like something The Dude would say… not Ti O.

    Mar 24, 2009 at 4:24 pm   rating: 0  
     

  • #5.2   Walter

    I am living in the past man.

    Mar 24, 2009 at 4:42 pm   rating: 0  
     

  • #5.3   Monkeyspeaks

    You want a toe? I’ll get you a fucking toe

    Mar 24, 2009 at 4:53 pm   rating: +1  
     

  • #5.4   claw71

    Say, friend…You got any more of that good sarsaparilla?

    Mar 24, 2009 at 5:01 pm   rating: +2  
     

  • #5.5   NoExit

    STFU Donnie!

    Mar 24, 2009 at 8:48 pm   rating: +2  
     

  • #5.6   Cap J

    This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass!

    Mar 25, 2009 at 5:46 am   rating: 0  
     

  • #5.7   Mark

    This is what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps!

    Mar 26, 2009 at 11:52 am   rating: 0  
     
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• #6   Chinchillazilla

  Yeah, Grandma, it is. Since it marks the date of your birth.

  Also, I’m barely aware that my grandparents even have birthdays. I mean, I know that they do, but hell if I know when they are. No one expects me to call them or anything.

  That’s the nice thing about families that aren’t close.

  Mar 24, 2009 at 4:25 pm   rating: +4  
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  • #6.1   Canthz_B

    I’d call my Grandparents every weekend…but I don’t believe in psychics.

    Mar 24, 2009 at 10:09 pm   rating: +3  
     
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• #7   claw71

  I’m sorry Grams, but the spark went out of the relationship when you decided I was too grown up to get a finski in my card every year. Fixed income my ass, bitch! Gimme my money!

  Mar 24, 2009 at 4:34 pm   rating: +16  
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• #8   DearJane

  If it had been my grandmother, she would have called us up and pointedly sighed into the reciever until one of us remembered. Is there such a thing as passive-aggressive breathing?

  Mar 24, 2009 at 4:35 pm   rating: +29  
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  • #8.1   Mishee

    Yes, unfortunately I had to pull that on my dad 2 birthday’s ago.

    How hard is it to remember your youngest (of only TWO) daughter’s birthday when it it 12/26?? I mean, really!!!

    Mar 24, 2009 at 4:49 pm   rating: +7  
     

  • #8.2   tmainsw

    My dad has two grand daughters, he has remembered their birthdays maybe once in 13 and 8 years. Three years ago he put them in his PDA. Still forgot.

    Mar 24, 2009 at 4:56 pm   rating: +3  
     

  • #8.3   Mishee

    Dammit, did I just make “birthdays” possessive?

    Well.. I guess that’s okay, I am pretty possessive of MY birthday!

    *self flagellates*

    Mar 24, 2009 at 4:58 pm   rating: +7  
     

  • #8.4   RandyinReno

    The thought of the sighing and the flagellation make me wish that I had missed your birthday too, Mish!

    Mar 24, 2009 at 5:40 pm   rating: +3  
     

  • #8.5   Ti O

    Team Mishee™ !

    Mar 24, 2009 at 5:51 pm   rating: +3  
     

  • #8.6   Canthz_B

    I used to sigh into the phone while self-flagellating. Too bad everyone has caller ID now.

    Mar 24, 2009 at 10:13 pm   rating: +6  
     

  • #8.7   Wolverine Girl

    Passive-aggressive breathing has been the bane of my married life. Years ago my hubby shared a house with a girl who would sigh heavily whenever she felt hard done by, without actually telling anyone what she was annoyed about. Now whenever I sigh, usually through tiredness, I get asked “what’s wrong now?” It’s taking forever to convince him that it’s just the end of a yawn.

    Mar 24, 2009 at 11:34 pm   rating: +14  
     
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• #9   The Commish

  I’m surprised about any grandmother who can properly use e-mail. My grandmother’s technological savvy piqued at the Beta Max.

  Mar 24, 2009 at 4:43 pm   rating: +7  
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  • #9.1   KatieMB

    My mother (who is a grandmother and a great grandmother) handles email quite well (thus, we get martyr emails), but has yet to figure out her cell phone. Thank God.

    Mar 24, 2009 at 4:48 pm   rating: +4  
     

  • #9.2   Ti O

    P-A texts would make for a complete hat trick.

    Mar 24, 2009 at 5:49 pm   rating: +2  
     

  • #9.3   KatieMB

    I’ll accept you P-A texts, Ti O…

    OTOH, my mother’s P-A texts? BLOCKED!

    Mar 24, 2009 at 6:38 pm   rating: +1  
     

  • #9.4   TheOldSchool

    Keep it clean, ladies. Children sometimes read these comments.

    No one objects to girl to girl flirtations, but it’s a thin line separating playful banter from potentially harmful double-entendres.

    Ti O, you’ve been here almost as long as I have, so you shouldn’t let a little moistness down in the valley cause you to cease the tempering of your remarks in a reckless bid toward living out some L-Word-style fantasy.

    If I’m speaking out of turn, so be it. But ask yourself this, what do you think Mr. O would say if he happened upon your little missives to the little missy?

    I’m guessing he wouldn’t be passive. But then again, I don’t know him, so I shouldn’t speculate.

    Mar 24, 2009 at 11:35 pm   rating: +1  
     

  • #9.5   PANU

    I thought Ti O was Mr. O. He doesn’t have a husband, he is the husband.

    

    He doesn’t have a valley to get moist. I believe he has a peak, though.

    Mar 25, 2009 at 1:58 am   rating: +3  
     

  • #9.6   TheOldSchool

    Oh dear.

    This is what I feared.

    Panu, if I’m reading between your diplomatically subtle lines correctly, you are suggesting that Ti O:

    1) is a hermaphrodite
    2) a victim of multiple personality disorder
    3) a shape-shifter
    4) Claw’s prison bitch
    5) all of the above

    While it is tantalizing to entertain your “flatlander” theory, I’m afraid I can’t.

    Ti O hasn’t yet used prison slang in any of her posts that I’ve skimmed.

    (Then again, I would imagine Claw runs a tight ship.)

    Mar 25, 2009 at 11:04 am   rating: +1  
     

  • #9.7   Eiknarf

    2+2 will always equal 4

    JUST AS

    TOS + a computer will always equal TOS acting like an ignorant asshole.

    Timo is all man.

    Mar 25, 2009 at 11:15 am   rating: +4  
     

  • #9.8   TheOldSchool

    Frankie,

    You return that calculator to the person you stole it from, NOW!

    Mar 25, 2009 at 11:46 am   rating: +2  
     

  • #9.9   Eiknarf

    You can have it back when you learn how to use it.

    Mar 25, 2009 at 11:53 am   rating: +2  
     

  • #9.10   ™Eehsim

    I agree Franks, any man who sports a kilt is all man in my book.

    Mar 25, 2009 at 12:05 pm   rating: +2  
     

  • #9.11   ™Eehsim

    I am thinking Frankie was doing less of a math problem and more of an English class analogy.

    2+2: 4 :: TOS+Computer: acting like an ignorant asshole

    Mar 25, 2009 at 12:17 pm   rating: +2  
     

  • #9.12   TheOldSchool

    I’m not the type of mammal who remains wedded to a proposition (no matter how reasonable it might have been) when there is new evidence that sheds new light upon the subject.

    Now that testimonials have come trickling limply in, attesting to Ti O’s masculinity, I’ve got to admit that I can easily envision the following scenario.

    Ti O is being lead by two guards down the long corridor of Block C. The visceral taunts and wolf whistles from the inmates are grim reminders of his lamb-to-the-slaughter fears.

    Finally they stop a cell occupied by just one inmate. He’s laying on a king-sized bed, constructed entirely of chicken bone shivs, picking bits of chicken from between his teeth with a toothpick shiv.

    “Claw,” one guard says with a leer, “are you ready for your mystery date?”

    Claw nods, and the guard unlocks the cell door, wipes his feet before entering, then says: “Ti O, Claw.”

    The guards bow and quietly depart.

    The large bed takes up most of cell’s space, so Ti O just stands where he is, not saying a word.

    Claw sizes him up, sighs (passive aggressively), then says, “So, Ti O, do you want to be the mama or the papa?”

    Ti O says nothing.

    Claw repeats the question, “I said, do you want to be the mama or the papa?”

    Ti O looks down at his feet, then sheepishly mumbles, “Uh….I guess….I’ll be the papa.”

    Claw smiles.

    “That’s good, papa,” Claw says. “Now get over here and suck mama’s dick.”

    Mar 25, 2009 at 12:21 pm   rating: +2  
     

  • #9.13   Cap J

    I think I’ve solved the problem. Last night I made hi-… sorry, her, a woman. *puts the bloody knife in the sink*

    Mar 25, 2009 at 12:32 pm   rating: 0  
     

  • #9.14   Eiknarf

    Totally lost interest after the first paragraph. Your rambling bores the life out of me.

    Bored now…

    Mishee, where are the shiny things again?

    Mar 25, 2009 at 12:54 pm   rating: +1  
     

  • #9.15   TheOldSchool

    Mishee,

    In Seattle, Utili-kilts are known as “Utili-kriesforhelp.”

    I didn’t know he was afflicted. I’m sorry.

    Could explain the gender confusion issues.

    Ti O, if you’re reading this, I want you to know that I’m here for you. Anytime you want to talk.

    Lots of people go through “phases.”

    Some men think wearing kilts is a way to get their transvestite kicks without raising as many eyebrows. They’re wrong. The eyebrows still raise, but only when you’re not looking.

    If you’ve already taken it that far, you might as well go for the gold. There are some great deals right now on lightweight skirts, pumps, and summer dresses.

    One of my long-time male friends has recently taken to wearing women’s make-up, because, he stoically maintains, it offers his face “u.v. protection.”

    Please.

    Maybe it does. Maybe it doesn’t.

    But why rationalize?

    He sure does look prettier.

    Too pretty.

    Drop-dead gorgeous.

    He always had a nice ass, but now the view is spectacular from all sides.

    On a somewhat different note: does anyone here know how to remove lipstick stains from trousers. (Maybelline desert sky high-gloss, I believe.)

    Mar 25, 2009 at 1:20 pm   rating: +3  
     

  • #9.16   ™Eehsim

    I just wonder why you are looking at your friend’s ass if you are such a “man”.

    More like a “man’s man” in my opinion.

    Mar 25, 2009 at 1:41 pm   rating: +3  
     

  • #9.17   TheOldSchool

    Mishee,

    Sigh…. There’s SO much for me to teach you.

    If only I was blessed with the patience of Anne Sullivan….

    Mar 25, 2009 at 3:33 pm   rating: +1  
     

  • #9.18   Eiknarf

    The only thing you could possibly teach Mishee is how to deliver a monologue the likes of which no one could withstand the awesome power of sleep inducing boredom.

    Mar 25, 2009 at 3:51 pm   rating: +4  
     

  • #9.19   KatieMB

    Wow I had no idea that accepting P-A texts from Ti O would cause such a long … um… response from TOS. Are there unesolved issues on TOS’s part that I may have stepped on? Or is he just trying to be funny? Regardless, my apologies to TOS as well as to all other readers.

    Hey Ti O, about those texts….

    Mar 25, 2009 at 4:07 pm   rating: +2  
     

  • #9.20   ™Eehsim

    TOS – Frankie is right, especially considering that I already know how to annoy the crap out of every single person in the room if I like… so basically that is the only thing you could teach me…

    Mar 25, 2009 at 4:13 pm   rating: 0  
     

  • #9.21   Goldie

    Get in line, TOS, you’re not the only one here with a Timocrush. Also, hate to disappoint ya, but I don’t think he swings that way.

    Mar 25, 2009 at 5:14 pm   rating: +1  
     

  • #9.22   Canthz_B

    I hate to disappoint TOS too, but Ti O/Timo has been here far longer than you (at least a year longer–maybe more), and he’s been a man the whole time.
    How could you miss the line of women following him?

    Mar 25, 2009 at 8:57 pm   rating: +1  
     

  • #9.23   TheOldSchool

    CB,

    Maybe he’s been physically here longer.

    Mar 26, 2009 at 1:40 am   rating: 0  
     
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• #10   Topics about Arts » but…but…i didn’t forget!

  [...] passive-aggressive (and just plain aggressive) notes added an interesting post on butâ [...]

  Mar 24, 2009 at 4:43 pm   rating: 0  
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• #11   Lorelie

  After sending the email, Grandma Cookie storms out of the house to drown her troubles and kvetch with her mahjong group, thereby missing the most perfect surprise birthday party EVER. You know, the one at which every grandchild announces they are now either engaged to a doctor or pregnant with their lawyer-husband’s child.

  Mar 24, 2009 at 4:51 pm   rating: +20  
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• #12   Lorelie

  I was out Saturday night but came home to a voicemail from *my* Jewish grandma:

  “*sigh* I just wanted to talk to a real person. I’ll call back later.”

  Saddest thing ever. Plus also made me wonder what non-real people she’d been talking to.

  Mar 24, 2009 at 4:59 pm   rating: +23  
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  • #12.1   geeklygirly

    I can’t decide if it makes the guilt more or less appropriate that she called – expecting to reach you – on a Saturday night. Does she assume that in addition to being a bad granddaughter, you also have no life?

    nb: I’m not saying you’re a bad granddaughter, just going along with the guilt trip theme. I’ve had my share – probably more than my fair share, actually, as the oldest of 12 grandkids – of “you never call” guilt, so I get it. (I would put up with more guilt to have my grandma back though. )

    Mar 27, 2009 at 3:08 am   rating: 0  
     
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• #13   QuarterRoy00

  Does she know her grandchildren are infants and can’t talk yet?

  Mar 24, 2009 at 5:24 pm   rating: +4  
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• #14   secondsout

  Sorry, granny. Now that I’m getting old, I’m getting a bit senile, and I tend to forget things. It happens when you get old. Me, I’m only 29. Just imagine what it’s like to be really old – like 85.

  Mar 24, 2009 at 5:31 pm   rating: +1  
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• #15   Bunnee

  When did Grandma turn into a tree? (No, NO ONE hears it!!)

  Mar 24, 2009 at 5:36 pm   rating: +2  
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• #16   Nikki

  Three cheers for tech-savvy Gramma Cookie!

  Mar 24, 2009 at 6:19 pm   rating: +1  
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• #17   Olson

  HAPPY BIRTHDAY GRANDMA COOKIE!!!!

  Mar 24, 2009 at 6:25 pm   rating: +2  
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• #18   Mishee

  I wish I had a Grandma Cookie to lavish me with treats, guilt, and P/A goodness!

  Instead I just have a mother who tells me:

  *sigh* “I’ll remember that next time you need something”

  Personally, I look forward to one day having my own kids pack their suitcases for the guilt trips I will give them…

  Mar 24, 2009 at 6:35 pm   rating: +5  
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  • #18.1   Bunnee

    My mother has a similar brand of PA guilt trips:

    “Good old Mom, always there when you need her. But if I ever need anything, well…..”

    She’s one “God Forbid” away from becoming a Jewish mother. Oy vey.

    Mar 25, 2009 at 9:33 am   rating: +2  
     
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• #19   Ti O

  Happy Birthday to Grandma Cookie and many more!

  Mar 24, 2009 at 6:51 pm   rating: +2  
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• #20   lightspeed

  It’s bad enough to expect other people to remember your birthday when you are 23, but when you are 85?

  I’ll just be happy if I remember my own birthday. (And that my underwear goes underneath my clothes and not over…)

  Mar 24, 2009 at 8:53 pm   rating: +4  
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  • #20.1   Goldie

    I try to ignore my birthday and see if it goes away. By the time I’m 85, I bet I will be in denial about the whole thing.
    “Whaddaya mean, ‘Happy 85th Birthday, Grandma’? I’m twenty-five, I’m telling ya! My last birthday was in the nineteen-nineties and I haven’t had any more since! Get out of my house, you ungrateful kids. No cookie for you!”

    Mar 25, 2009 at 5:09 pm   rating: +2  
     
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• #21   aaa

  Silly Grandma Cookie. People aren’t allowed to have birthdays anymore once they hit 21.

  Mar 24, 2009 at 9:31 pm   rating: +3  
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• #22   Canthz_B

  At a certain point it’s easier to count the birthdays left to one hundred, rather than the ones past.
  This year Grandma Cookie is 15, next year 14, and so on.

  Mar 24, 2009 at 10:18 pm   rating: +2  
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  • #22.1   Cap J

    But then, what happens after you ARE 100?

    “I’m -1…..what the-? OH SHIT! I’m unborn and outside the womb that must mean I’m an abortion!”

    Mar 25, 2009 at 6:00 am   rating: +3  
     

  • #22.2   djr

    “I’m -1…..what the-? OH SHIT! I’m unborn and outside the womb that must mean I’m an abortion!”

    Horrifying and fabulous all at once. Well played.

    Mar 25, 2009 at 12:31 pm   rating: 0  
     
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• #23   amanda

  I didn’t know grandmas had passive aggressive tendencies…. again, I have been wronged!

  Mar 25, 2009 at 10:41 am   rating: 0  
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  • #23.1   KatieMB

    I thought PA tendencies were standard once one achieved grandparent status.

    Mar 25, 2009 at 4:17 pm   rating: +1  
     

  • #23.2   Omit

    I think they come in your AARP kit that comes in the mail on your fifty-fifth birthday. It really is more of a how to DVD and book.

    Mar 25, 2009 at 5:46 pm   rating: +5  
     

  • #23.3   geeklygirly

    I really have to agree with Omit here. My mom was never big on P/A behavior with me and my sister when we were kids(don’t get me started on the P/A wars between her and my dad), but in the last year or so – so roughly since her 55th birthday – she’s really picked it up. Now if I don’t see her for more than two weeks, she goes on and on about how much she misses having me at home, which is sweet, I guess, but not very helpful to me…

    Mar 27, 2009 at 3:16 am   rating: +1  
     
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• #24   DearJane

  My grandma was queen of passive aggressive. I would call her and she would be like, “oh, you are alive!” I always fought the urge to say something like “Well, once I woke up from my 3 day bender and hauled myself out of the gutter in front of the bar, I decided it was a good time to call.” But that would have probably killed her.

  Mar 25, 2009 at 11:01 am   rating: +3  
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• #25   NeverKnownAsTheKid

  Grandma

  Can I have yer stereo when you croak?

  xoxo

  Mar 25, 2009 at 2:52 pm   rating: +1  
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• #26   DearJane

  Ok, I’m new-ish here…my last post became word of the day…what exactly does that mean?

  Mar 26, 2009 at 11:09 am   rating: 0  
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  • #26.1   Bunnee

    That you are now somewhat of a celebrity here on PAN. Release the balloons and toss some confetti. (Actually, I think it just means that Kerry liked your comment, is all.)

    Mar 26, 2009 at 12:29 pm   rating: 0  
     

  • #26.2   Mishee™

    Dear Jane,

    That means Mishee™ will be gunning for you from this day on.

    Love and Kisses!

    Mishee™

    Mar 26, 2009 at 12:38 pm   rating: 0  
     
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• #27   DearJane

  Woohoo! people like me! (seriously afraid of Mishee now, hides under blanket)

  Mar 26, 2009 at 3:20 pm   rating: 0  
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• #28   Bald Outing

  Grandma wins for guilt trip of the year – hope you got her a good present!

  Mar 27, 2009 at 11:29 pm   rating: 0  
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• #29   …but i hope it was good

  [...] related: but…but…i didn’t forget! [...]

  Jun 18, 2009 at 11:12 am   rating: 0  
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• #30   dear grandma: thanks, i guess.

  [...] related: but…but…i didn’t forget! [...]

  Jul 8, 2009 at 8:01 am   rating: 0  
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