Comments on: Do your stairs think you’re fat?

By: Shu

Shu — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 06:44:21 +0000

Actually, as a person with lupus, my energy levels are the opposite of “limitless”. Fuck you , random PA poster-person.

By: geeklygirly

geeklygirly — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 21:11:28 +0000

…and here, the Hedbergian Theory of Ascension shows us that the escalator is inherently superior to both stairs and elevator…

By: Mishee™

Mishee™ — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 00:44:16 +0000

These additions make me think that there is more to that “BumFights” video than first believed….

By: RunBarbara

RunBarbara — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 00:44:15 +0000

claw…i thoug- i thought that you said no one* would ever see that?

*besides the screening at your mom’s birthday party

By: Meesh

Meesh — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 13:21:50 +0000

No, English Teacher, you’re thinking of bestiality.

By: GK

GK — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 13:21:22 +0000

But Carla, have ever you considered writing a book?

By: Meesh

Meesh — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 13:10:54 +0000

Both of them.

By: TheOldSchool

TheOldSchool — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 01:02:40 +0000

That said, elevators aren’t much better.

I’ll never forget the time I got stuck between floors with a group of liquored-up tramps.

The beastly vagabonds completely manhandled me, ravaged me, and then had their filthy, wanton ways with me.

As you might imagine, not one of these despicable heathens seemed to possess the slightest regard for ordinary societal niceties such as genital hygiene, or even basic, common-sensical sexual techniques, like pacing the tempo of one’s thrusts in order to make the experience last longer.

I’ve read stories of people being trapped in elevators for several days.

My ordeal wasn’t quite that extended.

Five minutes, maybe six.

Still, by the time the elevator shuddered back to life, the winos were already so irrevocably spent that not a single one of them stood up when door swooshed open.

Not even “Fishbones.”

I was kinda shocked by that. I mean, it was about 10 o’clock on a Friday night.

The night was just beginning and yet the hoboes were inexplicably spellbound in a zombie-like state of being. The little elevator cabin light cast a glow over them that reminded me of of an episode from the Twilight Zone.

It was as if the elevator had become a gas chamber, and the hoboes had fallen victim to a toxic vapor, thus creating an artistic tableau suggesting a mood of recumbent lethargy that has been smothered by a soggy blanket of dogged sullenness. (I.e., the marital state of George and Laura Bush.)

I hate to say this, because I don’t like being judgmental, but, as I exited, I couldn’t help but conclude that some bums are just plain lazy.*

* To be fair, there probably are some bums who just aren’t “party people.”

By: Canthz_B

Canthz_B — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 00:35:51 +0000

In point of fact, Otis revolutionized elevators.

By: TheOldSchool

TheOldSchool — Sun, 29 Mar 2009 23:38:00 +0000

On a more upbeat note, I was pleased the bum used a condom.

Well, at least one of them did.

By: KatieMB

KatieMB — Sun, 29 Mar 2009 23:09:36 +0000

Yeah “No child left bum” doesn’t work, does it….

By: Beanster

Beanster — Sun, 29 Mar 2009 23:01:20 +0000

NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND!!!

By: Beanster

Beanster — Sun, 29 Mar 2009 22:59:22 +0000

but what would we do if Carla or Hod weren’t providing us with all this fodder for our unbridled sarcasm and wit?

Dear Carla Cunningham,
Thank you for being so unabashedly self-serving and navel-gazing. You have contributed to our entertainment for the day.
Love and Kisses,
Beanster

By: KatieMB

KatieMB — Sun, 29 Mar 2009 22:26:09 +0000

*zzzzzzzzzzzzzz*

Oh sorry, what a fascinating book!