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March 30th, 2009 · 247 comments

Quelle horreur! “A good week after using my roommate’s microplane to grate parmesan, this note showed up on the fridge whiteboard,” writes Tori in (where else?) San Francisco. “Apparently microplanes are for ZESTING ONLY!”

(unless, of course, it’s a microplane zester/grater.)

related: notes white people leave

FILED UNDER: "helpful" advice · kitchen · roommates · San Francisco · whiteboard

247 responses so far ↓

#1 Quite Contrary

Why am I not surprised there are refrigerator poetry magnets? I’m surprised they didn’t use those to create the scolding message.

And I’m whiter than most whites. I know these things.

Mar 30, 2009 at 2:22 pm rating: 17

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- #1.1 aaa
  
  I’m albino. I’ve got those poetry magnets in French.
  
  Mar 30, 2009 at 4:24 pm rating: 23
- #1.2 Bunnee
  
  Those poetry magnets are displaying some interesting comments on their fridge:
  
  Drunk Mother?
  Weak Tongue?
  Butt ______? (can’t make out the 2nd word)
  
  It’s always so interesting to get a glimpse into other people’s houses and just how fucked up they are!
  
  Mar 30, 2009 at 4:41 pm rating: 5
- #1.3 not me!
  
  My favorite is the one above the PA note. It’s like a Mad Libs that leaves a bit more to the imagination.
  
  … for about an eternity and it may produce a tiny purple …
  
  Mar 30, 2009 at 6:53 pm rating: 11
- #1.4 TheOldSchool
  
  I’m chagrined by the fact that Tori opted not to be less than discreet when it came to my herpes-sore-festooned penis. So much for confidentiality!
  
  P.S. The microplane zester DID make the sores look smaller, but, at the end of the day, I think it both spread and prolonged the outbreak. I’m sorry about forgetting to wash it afterwards. (I’ve been kinda spacey after testing positive on those stupid HIV tests.)
  
  I love you, Tori. I’ll see you again Saturday night. (I won’t forget the condoms this time.)
  
  Mar 30, 2009 at 9:01 pm rating: 1
- #1.5 AnonEMouse
  
  Bunnee-Butt ____ looks like it says “Butt Chant”. Maybe that’s the nice San Fran way of saying fart?
  
  Mar 30, 2009 at 11:01 pm rating: 2
- #1.6 mamason
  
  Oops. I just chanted.
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 11:31 am rating: 2
- #1.7 TheOldSchool
  
  Mamason,
  
  If you lived on Big Nipple Mountain, your butt-chants would be quickly dispersed into the cool (technically: “nippy”), pine-scented air, leaving you feeling refreshed and invigorated.*
  
  “The hills are alive with the sound of mamason chanting……”
  
  *Not recommended during avalanche season.
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 12:22 pm rating: 2
- #1.8 mamason
  
  I do tend to chant rather loudly.
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 12:26 pm rating: 0
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#2 Melissa

Ceci n’est pas une passive aggressive note.

Mar 30, 2009 at 2:23 pm rating: 5

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- #2.1 amy d
  
  Peut-être oui, peut-être pas, mais votre commentaire n’est vraiment passif agressif.
  
  Mar 30, 2009 at 2:36 pm rating: 2
- #2.2 T
  
  Voir Je suis en désaccord. Parce que dans la vraie vie, nous disons à quelqu’un “Yo ami que l’outil de cuisine m’a coûté beaucoup d’argent, ne l’utilisez pas sur vos pieds”! Mais un P-A laisse une note. Celui-ci a le droit de l’intention, il est tout défaut dans la fantaisie PA cloches et de sifflets que nous généralement.
  Amy a une belle poitrine, et j’aime avec sauce à la crème. C’est une blague bien sûr, les initiés. traduire vos propres pervers!
  
  Mar 30, 2009 at 3:03 pm rating: 0
- #2.3 T
  
  Que savons-nous d’elle?
  
  Mar 30, 2009 at 3:13 pm rating: 0
- #2.4 Mishee™
  
  Damn you two, don’t you realize what a bitch it is to use http://www.freetranslation.com?
  
  WTF?
  
  Its just a bunch of merde!
  
  Mar 30, 2009 at 3:19 pm rating: 2
- #2.5 Beanster
  
  http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.com/2008/02/28/78-multilingual-children/
  
  or perhaps
  
  http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.com/2008/11/09/115-promising-to-learn-a-new-language/
  
  way to go guys.
  
  Mar 30, 2009 at 3:27 pm rating: 5
- #2.6 tadpole
  
  Melissa,
  
  Nous sommes sur passiveagressivenotes.com, voyons. Si on trouvait vraiment des notes passives-agressives sur ce site, ça se saurait. On trouve des notes, ça c’est sûr, beaucoup de notes. Certaines sont agressives. La grande majorité d’entre elles n’a rien, mais alors vraiment rien de passif-agressif. Et je déteste qu’on utilise à tort un mot, surtout dans le domaine de la psychologie ou de la psychiatrie . Mais ça doit être parce que je suis un Français arrogant (et lâche, et puant, et malpoli, et communiste, et qui dans son incarnation féminine ne se rase pas les aisselles, mais ça n’a rien à voir).
  
  Apr 3, 2009 at 7:03 pm rating: 0
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#3 Angela C.

But what if they wanted to have a ZESTY parmesan?

Mar 30, 2009 at 2:25 pm rating: 17

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#4 Mishee™

Funny. I thought that was a ped egg.

Sorry Tori’s roommate.

Mar 30, 2009 at 2:27 pm rating: 45

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#5 claw71

I’d never use a microplane for grating cheese. It’s far too messy. Us a Ped Egg instead. The Ped Egg’s revolutionary design features a compartment within the ergonomic handle that captures your shavings, allowing for even distribution of your favorite cheeses. Or dead skin if your wife IS A LAZY COW WHO NEVER RINSES OUT THE PED EGG AFTER SHE USES IT!

damn you mishee

Mar 30, 2009 at 2:28 pm rating: 13

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- #5.1 Mishee™
  
  I ♥ you claw.
  
  And I am sorry I didn’t rinse out the ped egg.
  
  How was your salad?
  
  Mar 30, 2009 at 3:13 pm rating: 10
- #5.2 TheOldSchool
  
  Hang on. Claw and Mishee are being just a bit misleading, here.
  
  While it’s true that female peds lay eggs, biologists have long known that these fresh eggs are ALWAYS cannibalized by the male peds, then defecated as living larvae — in effect, a rebirth.
  
  It is only by virtue of the males propensity to gather together for group defecating and sports banter that allows the individual stools to pile together and thereby achieve the appropriately high larval density that is so fucking foul that it dissuades potential intraspecific predators from killing the colony.
  
  Ped-Eggologists agree that this is the single greatest evolutionary leap forward in the entire history of drug stores and “As Seen On TV” merchandising.
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 12:05 am rating: 4
- #5.3 Sue Do Nim
  
  Excusez-moi? Qu’est-ce que ca veut dire?
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 1:12 am rating: 1
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#6 VB

Fine.. now I’ll just have to throw out all these recipes requiring chesse zest.

Mar 30, 2009 at 2:39 pm rating: 12

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#7 GhostWriter

What is the song I’m thinking of?

“Microplane zester…
…not a cheese grater…”

…some punk song, right?

Mar 30, 2009 at 2:41 pm rating: 1

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- #7.1 GhostWriter
  
  I think the real words are closer to:
  
  “Tennessee Aardvark -
  Not a cool neighbor”
  
  …but those aren’t the real words.
  
  Mar 30, 2009 at 2:48 pm rating: 2
- #7.2 TheMiki
  
  It made me think of Pat Benatar’s Heartbreaker, but then, I am a child of the 80′s…
  
  Mar 30, 2009 at 3:33 pm rating: 3
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#8 amy d

But, as Tori demonstrates, they can grate on roomates.

Mar 30, 2009 at 2:43 pm rating: 16

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- #8.1 Sirius
  
  And Tori clearly proved her roommate wrong — a microplane zester is a cheese grater, if you do it right.
  
  Mar 30, 2009 at 4:08 pm rating: 7
- #8.2 amy d
  
  Hey! Who grated one of the “m”s from roommates out of my comment? Or, pehaps it was zested out.
  
  *starts looking around for Tori*
  
  Mar 30, 2009 at 4:34 pm rating: 3
- #8.3 Sirius
  
  Only in Australia can you have a ‘roomate
  
  Mar 30, 2009 at 4:59 pm rating: 18
- #8.4 amy d
  
  Sirius, Part of me wants to say “quit riffing on me, you’re making me paranoid”. Unfortunately, you are also making me laugh.
  
  I’m torn.
  
  Mar 30, 2009 at 5:06 pm rating: 1
- #8.5 Sirius
  
  I’ll quit riffing (on your paranoid half) if you’ll blink once in a while.
  
  Seriously. Creepy-eye!
  
  Mar 30, 2009 at 5:09 pm rating: 1
- #8.6 amy d
  
  Clear your cookies, yo. I changed my avatar. It may not be any less disconcerting, however.
  
  Mar 30, 2009 at 5:11 pm rating: 1
- #8.7 Bunnee
  
  It is a little on the creepy side–is that Michael Jackson?
  
  Mar 30, 2009 at 5:47 pm rating: 1
- #8.8 amy d
  
  Nope. It’s a Mardi Gras mask.
  
  Mar 30, 2009 at 6:33 pm rating: 1
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#9 Joe

Ordinarily, I think I would side with the note-writer. A tool should not be misused if you care about making it last. Even if the owner only noticed a week later, he’s within his right to complain.

That said, even the version on Amazon not explicitly listed as a grater has this in the product description: “For zesting and grating of Citrus Zest, Hard Cheese, Nutmeg, Ginger and Garlic” and “Grates Parmesan cheese light and fluffy”.

Team Both Parties are Douchebags. (I hear that’s pretty common for San Francisco, though.)

Mar 30, 2009 at 2:49 pm rating: 18

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- #9.1 isara
  
  I agree. Little drives me more nuts than the inappropiate and poor care of tools. But I, and many of the other foodie friends I know, happily use the microplaner for parmesan.
  
  Heh, come to think of it, when I went to French Laundry, they used microplaners for both truffles and hard cheese!
  
  Mar 30, 2009 at 7:55 pm rating: 1
- #9.2 HappyMonster
  
  What is with all of the San Francisco hate? Have you, any of you, most of you, some of you, ever been here? It is like any city: full of humans, some of whom are dicks.
  Which is not to the imply that the owner of the zester is a dick. If it was clear a week later that the zester was used to grate cheese, the zester was not washed. If you’re going to use your roommate’s shit, wash it afterward! In San Francisco and anywhere else, common courtesy is Just Totally Fantastic.
  
  Mar 30, 2009 at 11:13 pm rating: 5
- #9.3 Canthz_B
  
  I think you just answered your question quite nicely.
  
  Mar 30, 2009 at 11:23 pm rating: 8
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#10 aaa

Like Alton Brown says, the only unitasker that should be in the kitchen is the fire extinguisher.

Mar 30, 2009 at 2:53 pm rating: 16

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- #10.1 T
  
  Who wants their lemon tarts to smell and taste like foot cheese. somethings shouldn’t mix . buy your won whoozit planing grater thingy schnooty cheese dude!
  
  Mar 30, 2009 at 3:05 pm rating: 5
- #10.2 Meesh
  
  Believe it or not, I use my bowls for cereal, mashed potatoes, and ice cream, among other foods. But the flavors don’t get all mixed together. Because I wash the bowls after I use them. Every time. That’s the trick.
  
  Mar 30, 2009 at 3:35 pm rating: 35
- #10.3 Mishee™
  
  You don’t wanna know what I use my bowls for…
  
  Ok, I’ll tell you.
  
  That sweet, sweet cheeba.
  
  Mar 30, 2009 at 3:42 pm rating: 3
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#11 aaa

How would roomie know that Tori used the microplane on cheese? Lemme guess, she didn’t wash it after she was done using it. I’d be pissed too if I found week old parm on my kitchen tools.

Mar 30, 2009 at 2:59 pm rating: 9

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- #11.1 Liz
  
  At my house, zesters are not graters. Mixing the two would piss me off quite a bit–especially if I zested a lemon into my tea only to find that the tea tastes like week-old stinky cheese because someone didn’t wash off the evidence.
  
  Washing doesn’t account for the damage you’re doing to the tool itself. Tough cheese will make the zester dull faster, which means you have to replace what could be an expensive tool sooner (depending on the quality you buy, and if you care, it’s probably high-quality).
  
  Mar 30, 2009 at 8:03 pm rating: 4
- #11.2 aaa
  
  Awww… Seems someone zested away your sense of humor. Is that why you’re so dull? :c
  
  Mar 30, 2009 at 9:02 pm rating: 7
- #11.3 Canthz_B
  
  It can’t be high-quality if it can’t cut the cheese…er, mustard.
  
  Mar 30, 2009 at 11:28 pm rating: 4
- #11.4 mamason
  
  Yay! I’m high quality!
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 2:32 am rating: 3
- #11.5 Canthz_B
  
  Sorry, my lovely…that’s just gas!
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 2:48 am rating: 1
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#12 ikkin82

You’re not fully bitch until your Zestfully bitch!

Mar 30, 2009 at 3:00 pm rating: 18

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#13 ikkin82

I miss those commercials

Mar 30, 2009 at 3:05 pm rating: 1

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- #13.1 aaa
  
  I miss gigglebraxing.
  
  Mar 30, 2009 at 9:03 pm rating: 6
- #13.2 mamason
  
  And I like it too… oh, wait. Different brand. Never mind.
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 12:28 pm rating: 1
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#14 Meesh

A bigger concern might be who is using the zester on his face in front of the fridge and spattering the whiteboard with blood.

Mar 30, 2009 at 3:40 pm rating: 15

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#15 Monkey Speaks

I used both my parents microplanes (er yes, they had two…) to both zest and grate.

I was a horrible daughter.

Mar 30, 2009 at 3:44 pm rating: 4

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- #15.1 Mishee™
  
  …was? Past tense?
  
  That is a sin that will go with you to the grave, missy!
  
  Mar 30, 2009 at 4:28 pm rating: 1
- #15.2 Clumber
  
  Mishee™ – MonkeyDaughter’s folks kicked the bucket, thus she is no longer a daughter. Have you not been taking notes and remembering to use past lessons to solve current story problems??
  
  Clumber, glancing over at the detention slips…
  
  Team MultiTaskTools!
  
  Mar 30, 2009 at 4:51 pm rating: 1
- #15.3 secondsout
  
  Maybe MonkeyDaughter’s folks just had recent birthdays that MD ignored. Apparently, that means they don’t actually have a daughter anymore (and subsequently, MD doesn’t have parents).
  
  Mar 30, 2009 at 5:40 pm rating: 4
- #15.4 Monkey Speaks
  
  Actually, they disowned me for not using the microplane properly.
  
  Mar 30, 2009 at 8:14 pm rating: 2
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#16 Tmoney The Shocka'

I thought Microplanes were initially used as wood rasps! I think it can stand up to a little bit of cheese…

Mar 30, 2009 at 3:45 pm rating: 4

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#17 mamason

I’m so sick of the “white people and their zesters” stereotype.

Mar 30, 2009 at 3:55 pm rating: 7

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- #17.1 Mishee™
  
  Just because you have the dark meat in your house doesn’t make you any less white mama.
  
  Mar 30, 2009 at 4:29 pm rating: 4
- #17.2 RunBarbara
  
  i need some dark meat in my “house”……it can “come” through the back door OR the front door.
  
  Mar 30, 2009 at 8:51 pm rating: 1
- #17.3 Mishee™
  
  That’s cuz you are a slut. With a capital W.
  
  Mar 30, 2009 at 8:54 pm rating: 1
- #17.4 TheOldSchool
  
  RB,
  
  You keep telling that, but giving me the wrong address.
  
  If you can’t remember it, you should write it down.
  
  I’m tired of one-night stands with random strangers. I’m thinking I might be ready to settle down with one woman for a few nights.
  
  Mar 30, 2009 at 9:10 pm rating: 2
- #17.5 TheOldSchool
  
  Mamason, I’m beginning to question whether these San Francisco roommates are “white.”
  
  They exhibit some of the tell-tale signs of the “flesh-colored.”
  
  It’s just too bad you’re so far away from my private ethnic-studies library, which is burrowed deep into the core of Big Nipple Mountain.
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 12:32 pm rating: 1
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#18 KatieMB

Ok, I’m ordering out tonight.

Mar 30, 2009 at 4:09 pm rating: 0

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#19 Holiday Djinn

Anybody else think this PAN was put up just so their could be some hot “make-up” sex?

Mar 30, 2009 at 4:43 pm rating: 1

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- #19.1 Mishee™
  
  HD – put the lotion down.
  
  It’ll ruin your keyboard.
  
  Mar 30, 2009 at 4:53 pm rating: 1
- #19.2 Clumber
  
  Djinn? you making a pass at Mishee™? Or RB?
  
  You might want to steer clear of Claw, though… at least until *that* clears up.
  
  Mar 30, 2009 at 4:53 pm rating: 0
- #19.3 RunBarbara
  
  *that* wont clear up until he finishes the penicillin, which he’s been selling to middle school kids as “prescription LSD”. i heard tell that he is using the money to pay for his subscription to Pony Girl of the Month club.
  
  Mar 30, 2009 at 8:34 pm rating: 1
- #19.4 TheOldSchool
  
  I’ve been waiting for 72 days for Claw’s shit to kick in….
  
  Thanks, RB. I was getting worried “it” would happen when I was performing my Easter Bunny duties at the mall. All those kids…. All those eggs. In a tiny plastic shack underneath bright fluorescent mall lighting. There was a real potential for an unplanned demonstration of life’s grim strifes being performed by the EB and filmed in slow motion, surreal 3-D sen-surround for eternity on you-tube.
  
  Mar 30, 2009 at 9:28 pm rating: 3
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#20 chekur

Those red splotches look suspiciously like blood…

Do you think they zested someone’s forehead, just to get their point across?

Mar 30, 2009 at 4:43 pm rating: 1

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- #20.1 Mishee™
  
  Gee, and if you read #14 you would’ve known that already!
  
  Mar 30, 2009 at 4:52 pm rating: 3
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#21 TheOldSchool

Mishee,

I love everything you say and do, but please cut Chekur some slack. Not everyone reads everything before posting.

Maybe Chekur did read it and forgot by the time he or she reached item 20. These days, possessing a short attention spans seems to be the rule rather than the exception.

Mar 30, 2009 at 5:37 pm rating: 6

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- #21.1 agatha christie
  
  Way to gigglebrax, oldschool.
  
  Mar 30, 2009 at 5:57 pm rating: 1
- #21.2 Mishee™
  
  Short atten… huh?
  
  Mar 30, 2009 at 6:12 pm rating: 7
- #21.3 TheOldSchool
  
  M-M-Mishee….
  
  That was, um, intentional.
  
  It was the PAN program…. It malfunctioned.
  
  My hands were covered in lotion and they slipped.
  
  I was distracted by the thought of a four-way….
  
  Kerry called and wanted my advice. I told her to just call him if she was interested in him, but I didn’t have Claw’s number.
  
  Mar 30, 2009 at 11:37 pm rating: 3
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#22 secondsout

They could have gotten a bit more creative with the PAN. If you can write a PAN with the word magnets and make them look they were coming out the penguin’s mouth, that would be genius.

Mar 30, 2009 at 5:42 pm rating: 4

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- #22.1 Mishee™
  
  Silly sout.
  
  Everyone knows penguins don’t speak english.
  
  Mar 30, 2009 at 6:13 pm rating: 1
- #22.2 Beanster
  
  i thought the same thing.
  
  penguins are the most PA because of their constant professional attire.
  
  “this has been pleasant and professional. thank you for refraining form using roommate’s zester in the future.”
  
  although i doubt those magnets contain the word “zester”.
  
  Mar 30, 2009 at 6:26 pm rating: 2
- #22.3 Geek Goddess
  
  Of course penguins speak English! The ones I saw this morning on the way to work spoke it perfectly. I could understand every word they said. But I won’t repeat what they told me to do, because they said they would track me down and make me pay if I told anyone.
  
  Mar 30, 2009 at 6:28 pm rating: 3
- #22.4 secondsout
  
  Of course, penguins are currently on the shit list. There’s a whole blog devoted to this.
  
  Mar 30, 2009 at 7:06 pm rating: 1
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#23 anonymous

This has absolutely nothing to do with race, and associating it as such, even ironicly, is race-baiting. Way to go, idiot.

Mar 30, 2009 at 6:37 pm rating: 1

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- #23.1 amy d
  
  Have you seen a little website called http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.com , anonymous?
  
  Have you ever looked at this site before?
  
  It’s called humor. Try to find some or simply stay away from sites you find offensive.
  
  Mar 30, 2009 at 6:41 pm rating: 8
- #23.2 Mishee™
  
  DID YOU JUST CALL KERRY, THE PANGODDESS, AN IDIOT?
  
  At least you were smart enough to post as anonymous.
  
  Funny though, if you think this is “race baiting” then you really shouldn’t read some of these other notes.
  
  If I were you, I would just turn around and go back to your liberal, hippie blogs that you usually post on.
  
  Mar 30, 2009 at 6:42 pm rating: 9
- #23.3 Beanster
  
  anonymous is just Hod, but a more scared version because we chewed his balls off the other day.
  
  Mar 30, 2009 at 6:44 pm rating: 4
- #23.4 KatieMB
  
  *prepares keyboard for battle*
  
  Mar 30, 2009 at 7:02 pm rating: 2
- #23.5 RunBarbara
  
  if you’re offended by race-baiting then i guess i will cancel your invite to my “Stab Mexicans With Forks” party that Im hosting in a few weeks. Its a follow up to my wildly successful “Throw Trash At Chinese Men On The Bus” party that got shut down when the cops showed up (the beat them slit eyes proper like)
  
  Mar 30, 2009 at 8:49 pm rating: 5
- #23.6 Canthz_B
  
  I love it when someone who has absolutely no idea what they’re talking about decides that just because they don’t get it, everyone who does is an idiot.
  Do your fucking homework before you start with the character assassination next time.
  
  You’re probably the same dope who popped off in here claiming that turtles are amphibians!
  
  FAIL
  
  Mar 30, 2009 at 11:39 pm rating: 4
- #23.7 TheOldSchool
  
  Thanks, guys, for keeping me in the loop.
  
  Now, what’s my assignment?
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 12:19 am rating: 1
- #23.8 Racerx
  
  Amphib turtles?
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 12:55 am rating: 0
- #23.9 Canthz_B
  
  Can you imaging? When we all know that turtles are teen-aged mutant ninjas!
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 1:21 am rating: 1
- #23.10 Canthz_B
  
  Damn, could have sworn I said “imagine” before I walked the dog!
  Sorry about that. WTF does “imaging” have to do with it? An MRI of the turtle? ”
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 1:52 am rating: 3
- #23.11 mamason
  
  Way to go, anon. You got the jew bastard and the black guy all riled up.
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 2:53 am rating: 6
- #23.12 Canthz_B
  
  I think I’m “the colored guy” in this one, mamason!
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 2:56 am rating: 2
- #23.13 Mishee™
  
  Am I the “jew bastard”?
  
  *confused*
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 8:45 am rating: 1
- #23.14 Meesh
  
  RunBarbara, I’d be careful at your “Stab Mexicans With Forks” party. Watch out for the Mexican Judo…
  
  …Ju don know if he’s gonna pull a knife, Ju don know if he’s gonna run,
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 8:48 am rating: 2
- #23.15 TheOldSchool
  
  Pigs in the Fiji Islands are amphibious. They often swim from island to island in search of food suitable for zesting.
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 10:46 am rating: 1
- #23.16 mamason
  
  I don’t know who the jew bastard is. I just like saying jew bastard.
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 11:43 am rating: 0
- #23.17 TheOldSchool
  
  Mamason,
  
  If you lived on Big Nipple Mountain, you could shout “Jew Bastard” once in the morning, and then just sit back and listen you your words echo and ricochet repeatedly across the mountain range until sunset, while you sat comfortably on the porch swing, whittling hard cheeses into chess pieces based on popular ethnic stereotypes with the microplane zester that Tori promises she’s going to steal for me.
  
  Think about it.
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 12:10 pm rating: 4
- #23.18 mamason
  
  Are you flirting with me?
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 12:30 pm rating: 2
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#24 anglophile

Look, I jumped in on the Microplane™ craze way early–at least 8 years ago. If you want to grate your parmesan with it, knock yourself out; it won’t hurt anything.

But I have to say, it really isn’t the best tool for the job. It grates it too fine, resulting in insubstantial cheese shreds which melt too quickly and disappear into hot dishes and don’t deliver the salty bite of flavor you’re looking for in a Parmesan sprinkle. You might as well use the Kraft junk in the plastic bottle.

I whole-heartedly endorse the Microplane™ for zesting, however. And it’s great for grating onions for dips and dressings.

Mar 30, 2009 at 8:11 pm rating: 4

reply to this comment
- #24.1 Mishee™
  
  “best tool for the job”
  
  Mar 30, 2009 at 8:40 pm rating: 2
- #24.2 anglophile
  
  Even that time-honored trick couldn’t sex up my deadly-boring comment, Mishee, although I appreciate the effort.
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 7:41 am rating: 2
- #24.3 park rose
  
  Even so, you have consensus at #27, though you have to plough through the vegan riff to get there.
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 7:48 am rating: 1
- #24.4 Anniee451
  
  “And it’s great for grating onions for dips and dressings.”
  
  Oh, yikes! Talk about onion tears!!!
  
  Apr 1, 2009 at 3:18 am rating: 0
add to this thread
#25 Ahem..

Tori, you failed to mention one detail.. your roommates are VEGAN. They asked you not to use it BEFORE this note, you asshole.

Mar 30, 2009 at 8:33 pm rating: 6

reply to this comment
- #25.1 Beanster
  
  HA. the truth comes out.
  “When roommate’s read PAN”
  
  Mar 30, 2009 at 9:03 pm rating: 2
- #25.2 aaa
  
  It would be really awesome if this was Tori’s actual roommate. I kinda want to see an all-out online bitch-fest…
  
  Mar 30, 2009 at 9:08 pm rating: 0
- #25.3 Ahem..
  
  Sorry folks, I’m not her roommate. I just know her roommates & also know that Tori herself started the passive aggressive notes game!
  
  Mar 30, 2009 at 9:12 pm rating: 1
- #25.4 Beanster
  
  Dear Ahem:
  
  We, the undersigned, formally request evidence of said “passive aggressive game” in pictorial form.
  
  Cordially,
  Beanster and Beanster
  
  Mar 30, 2009 at 9:19 pm rating: 6
- #25.5 aaa
  
  Beanster is right. Anything not up here on PAN effectively does not exist.
  
  Mar 30, 2009 at 9:24 pm rating: 2
- #25.6 Alex
  
  Hey, one of Tori’s two vegan roommates here.
  
  Yes, we asked her not to use hard-to-clean kitchen equipment (ie, cast iron pan, other graters, etc) with non-vegan food. At the time of this note, we had just had a couple big arguments which I will not get into here (because that’s not my style, sorry gawkers).
  
  However, I will say that Tori has frequently written passive aggressive notes on that very same white board. When she responded to the note pictured with her own note (something to the extent of “I know you like writing passive aggressive notes, but i think you meant to say ‘please don’t use the microplane zester on cheese’”), I simply re-wrote (verbatim) a note that she had left just weeks before:
  
  “I don’t know what you dropped down the [kitchen sink] drain, but y’all need to reach down and pull it out.”
  
  She erased it and never said anything about it again.
  
  I could have taken a photo of her original note and sent it here, but I didn’t (sorry gawkers). This just goes to show that sometimes the people who are willing to send a note to PAN are merely doing it as their own passive aggressive jab.
  
  And thanks to the people who recognized that a microplane isn’t just any ol’ piece of kitchen equipment. We like to cook, and we spent a pretty penny on the zester, so I think it’s fair that we (as vegans) didn’t want it being used on cheese!
  
  Mar 30, 2009 at 9:52 pm rating: 8
- #25.7 Canthz_B
  
  Yeah, because milk comes from mammals and man was not meant to have milk…oh, wait…
  
  You’d really like to cook if you ate some nice red meat!
  Go ahead, use those incisors! They’ll thank you for it!!
  
  Mar 30, 2009 at 11:48 pm rating: 7
- #25.8 aaa
  
  Complaining about your roomie on a website you damn well know they’re gonna look at? Nope, doesn’t sound passive aggressive at all!
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 12:14 am rating: 11
- #25.9 aaa
  
  Silly CB, the only meat humans are designed to eat is other humans. There’s far less energy spent digesting and rearranging human macromolecules for use than other critters. And we’re just oh-so-delicious with our full-bodied veal-like flavor.
  
  P.S. Creutzfeldt–Jakob is a lie spread by the government to keep us from eating their source of taxes.
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 12:19 am rating: 2
- #25.10 Canthz_B
  
  That wasn’t complaining…THAT was bitching!!
  
  “That’s not my style, sorry gawkers”…followed by five paragraphs of “not my style.”
  
  Oh, and “…something to the extent of…” should be “…something to the effect of…”
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 12:21 am rating: 7
- #25.11 Canthz_B
  
  Will Vegans be allowed to eat Soylent Green?
  I mean, it says “soy”!
  
  I say they take it all the way and never eat anything that has ever been alive.
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 12:24 am rating: 4
- #25.12 aaa
  
  Well, I was trying to be halfway diplomatic. Kind of.
  
  They can eat rocks. And non-sentient androids. Personally, I like my Droidlent Green sentient and full of emotion.
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 12:33 am rating: 2
- #25.13 TheOldSchool
  
  Alex,
  
  First, the good news: while it’s true I did use the zester in an attempt to abrasively remove the Herpes sores from my penis, you can rest easy when I tell you my dick is freakishly tiny. (Roughly the size of a Barbi doll’s little finger.)
  
  Now the bad news: when micro-grates proved too large to be of use on my weenie, I decided to give it a go on the severe acne pustules that have been erupting and drying on my face, neck and back for years. While the zester worked much better than a file, a grater or common household hack saw; it was a time consuming process.
  
  What I’m saying, in a round-about way, is that Tori never used the microplane zester. Ever.
  The reason is smells like parmesan cheese is because…well…that’s the way my face smells.
  Always has. Always will. I have a feeling that’s why my entourage is made up mostly of rhodents, vermin, and Tori.
  
  My folks used to bitterly joke that they should have named me Alfredo.
  
  They don’t make those kinds of joke anymore.
  
  ‘Nuff said.
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 12:36 am rating: 4
- #25.14 TheOldSchool
  
  A very special shout out to the ladies:
  
  Don’t worry about the size.
  
  I’m so quick, you’ll barely have time to notice what you’re missing.
  
  “Kweek draw comes kweekly.”
  
  “That’s Right, Bubba Louie. And doooon’t you ferget it.”
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 12:41 am rating: 3
- #25.15 Canthz_B
  
  I know some Babes that’ll Ka-Bong you for that Kweeks Draw!
  They’re not too fond of Droop Along either!
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 12:53 am rating: 0
- #25.16 Canthz_B
  
  I haven’t seen hide nor hair of Ricochet Rabbit in years, so I think they caught up with his bing, bing, bing and thank you ma’am ass!
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 1:00 am rating: 1
- #25.17 Canthz_B
  
  “…shall eat the flesh that night, roasted on the fire; with unleavened bread and bitter herbs they shall eat it… roasted, its head with its legs and its inner parts. (Exodus 12:8–9) ”
  
  God doesn’t say, “may” eat the meat, He says “shall eat it”. Not that I believe in fairy tales mind you, but God likes a good blood sacrifice every now and again according to the Bible.
  
  Go to Hell, you Vegan ~~swine~~ artichokes!
  
  I wonder if a Vegan can take Communion? That must be kind of awkward, huh?
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 2:25 am rating: 2
- #25.18 mamason
  
  Vegans are pussies.
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 2:59 am rating: 2
- #25.19 mamason
  
  Oh, look! Satan can quote scripture! hehe
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 3:06 am rating: 2
- #25.20 Canthz_B
  
  but it burns…oh, how it burns!!!
  
  If Vegans are pussies…I’d be inclined to eat them.
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 3:35 am rating: 2
- #25.21 aaa
  
  Vegans aren’t pussies. If they were, eating them woiuldn’t be condoned by The Church, and we all know that the pope keeps a stable of vegans under St. Peter’s.
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 7:59 am rating: 1
- #25.22 park rose
  
  Aren’t those stables otherwise known as the catacombs, though?
  *Remembers aaa’s fondness for puns*
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 8:08 am rating: 3
- #25.23 fantasy
  
  But vegans and vaginatarians are two completely different religions.
  
  It is like just being Jewish and being Kosher.
  
  *you can do this,but you can’t mix that. One plate for this and another for that……jeesh, I sure am glad I’m Catholic and only need to worry about meat on Friday during Lent.*
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 8:31 am rating: 2
- #25.24 park rose
  
  You forgot to mention that the vaginatarians are circumcised.
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 8:39 am rating: 1
- #25.25 Sirius
  
  Sanctimonious, self-important, AND vegan?
  
  I am shocked … shocked, I say!
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 11:36 am rating: 4
- #25.26 aaa
  
  I died a little inside, park rose. :/
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 4:16 pm rating: 1
add to this thread
#26 Racerx

It’s a tart maker

Not a cheese grater

Touch it again and I’ll use it where you pee.

(Sung to Heartbreaker)
I couldn’t find anything to rhyme with zester except Jester or fester……….

Mar 30, 2009 at 8:51 pm rating: 2

reply to this comment
- #26.1 amy d
  
  pester….
  
  sequester….
  
  tester…
  
  molester…
  
  semester…
  
  trimester
  
  Mar 30, 2009 at 9:16 pm rating: 2
- #26.2 Canthz_B
  
  Winchester…
  
  Foe bester…
  
  Mar 30, 2009 at 11:52 pm rating: 1
- #26.3 TheOldSchool
  
  Uncle Fester,
  jester,
  detester,
  messed her,
  breast, er….
  Olive Garden
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 12:15 am rating: 3
- #26.4 Clumber
  
  Worcester!
  
  one o’ ‘dem words I can spell but can’t pronounce but dammit it rhymes with zester!
  
  WTF ever happened to nap rooms… and recess… fsk…. i hate today.
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 1:44 pm rating: 0
- #26.5 anglophile
  
  Um, Clumber, Worcester is pronounced “wooster”. Sorry.
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 2:01 pm rating: 0
- #26.6 Mark
  
  According to my dad, who went to WPI and lived in Worcester for several years, and also according to Adam Sandler in his masterful “Toll Booth Willie” sketch, it is pronounced
  
  “Wih-stah”
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 2:23 pm rating: 0
- #26.7 anglophile
  
  Well, I was referring to the Worcester in England, Mark.
  
  Because I’m, you know, an anglophile.
  
  But either way, it don’t rhyme with zester!
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 2:27 pm rating: 1
- #26.8 Mark
  
  After my edit window ran out, I was thinking that you were probably talking about England.
  
  But we are in agreement that in neither case does it rhyme with “zester.”
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 2:33 pm rating: 0
- #26.9 Clumber
  
  whereupon _I_ was referring to the caustic steak sauce that i continually hear clearly pronounced with “-chester” as the final & even emphasized syllable.
  
  Colloquialism? Pacific Northwest US, I.
  
  This may be the 1st time i have had a good excuse to pop over to m-w.com and click the little speaker… at work! YAY!
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 2:54 pm rating: 0
- #26.10 Clumber
  
  me > idiot. I trusted the fox’s spellcheck, I meant Worcestershire. Which is, ’round these parts, pronounced such that it rhymes with Zester. However, I get at least 20 demerits for mis-spelling what I meant, and will banish myself to laundering the unitard. Do those MrClean Erasers help at all?
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 3:01 pm rating: 0
add to this thread
#27 Jen

My microplane has a picture of someone grating parmesan on it.

Mar 30, 2009 at 9:04 pm rating: 3

reply to this comment
- #27.1 TheOldSchool
  
  Jen,
  
  That’s not parmesan.
  
  And it’s not a picture — it’s a reflection. I’m standing right behind you.
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 12:46 am rating: 6
add to this thread
#28 candy177

Shit. I had a comment all typed out and then I registered….anyway….

I use my microplane zester for grating parm all the time. However, I totally agree with anglophile that it’s not the best tool for the job. I second the wispy thin insubstantial cheese shreds that melt too quickly. What other tool do you recommend? (Woohoo! More kitchen tools! )

I also agree that it would have been so much funnier if it would have been written with the poetry magnets.

PS. I’m new to commenting here, but I love PAN. And for what it’s worth, that parm was fucking delicious.

Mar 30, 2009 at 9:45 pm rating: 1

reply to this comment
- #28.1 aaa
  
  Well, I would say that you’re exempt from the Unitard since you’re new to commenting and all, but that’s really up to Mishee™.
  
  Mar 30, 2009 at 9:51 pm rating: 1
- #28.2 candy177
  
  How many hours is a fucking delicious comment? 3?
  
  Mar 30, 2009 at 10:18 pm rating: 0
- #28.3 aaa
  
  It varies. If you’re a repeat offender, you could very well be sentenced 8 hours in the ‘Tard after claw’s worn it all night.
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 12:29 am rating: 1
- #28.4 anglophile
  
  Well, I, um, use my box-style cheese grater for parmesan, candy. It’s just something that came to me, out of the blue: that maybe I should use the cheese grater to grate the cheese.
  
  I also have a fancy-pants mandolin that would probably work, but I never use it. Damn you, drunken Pampered Chef parties!
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 7:51 am rating: 3
- #28.5 park rose
  
  Mandolin, it’s not a lute!
  
  (I am sure that mandolin, along with microplane, is some trademarked, culinary “tool” that I don’t know about, but I’m sticking with the above).
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 7:59 am rating: 1
- #28.6 Mishee™
  
  The two what?
  
  What’s a lute??
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 8:47 am rating: 3
- #28.7 Meesh
  
  Oh YOUTHS
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 9:01 am rating: 3
- #28.8 park rose
  
  Similar to an oud, Mishee, or to a shamisen
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 9:05 am rating: 1
- #28.9 Mishee™
  
  And Meesh gets the gold star.
  
  I was hoping that one wouldn’t go over everyone’s head…
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 9:17 am rating: 1
- #28.10 park rose
  
  Right over mine. I should know better by now than to respond to one of your posts
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 9:21 am rating: 1
- #28.11 Mishee™
  
  You BETTER respond to all my posts! When you don’t, I think you are ignoring me and that makes me a little suicidal.
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 9:23 am rating: 1
- #28.12 park rose
  
  What is it with the regulars and suicide nowadays? I never know if one of your posts is from a film or the Simpsons, and you know, I don’t want to look any more stupid…
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 9:27 am rating: 1
add to this thread
#29 Buzz

um yes you can use a microplane for Parmesan. Here is the webpage for the model you mentioned, “For Zesting and Grating of Citrus Zest, Hard Cheese, Nutmeg, Ginger and Garlic”

Mar 30, 2009 at 11:22 pm rating: 1

reply to this comment
- #29.1 Canthz_B
  
  No, you cannot use a microplane for grating cheese…not if you’re an anal retentive, holier than thou, right socks only go on right feet, stuck-up prick like Alex-with-a-lisp.
  
  Mar 30, 2009 at 11:58 pm rating: 6
- #29.2 Canthz_B
  
  I only said all of that because I know Alex will never be back because he/she (you really can’t tell with a name like Alex, in a town like San Francisco) is so much better than the “gawkers” on this site, and would never stoop to gawking him/herself.
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 12:07 am rating: 3
- #29.3 Beanster
  
  CB, I was confused at what business a non-gawker had on this site.
  
  “I’m not getting involved except to totally start shit, and in my own defense, I’m not really involved. Gawker. Bitch.
  Have a good day!”
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 11:19 am rating: 2
add to this thread
#30 Lillian

At least no one used it to remove calluses from one’s feet.

Mar 30, 2009 at 11:53 pm rating: 0

reply to this comment
- #30.1 aaa
  
  You don’t know that. And neither do Tori’s roommates. And we all know that human skin isn’t vegan.
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 12:30 am rating: 2
- #30.2 TheOldSchool
  
  I sure as hell hope not. I’d hate to think my dick/face had touched something that had touched someone’s feet.
  
  Thanks for possibly giving me a bad dream, Lillian!
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 12:50 am rating: 3
- #30.3 mamason
  
  Did you just call yourself a dickface, TOS?
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 3:03 am rating: 3
- #30.4 TheOldSchool
  
  Mamason, it’s just another form of multi-tasking.
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 10:55 am rating: 1
add to this thread
#31 Canthz_B

Interesting how we have tended to assume that Tori was betrayed by a dirty zester, rather than by grooves on the cheese.
Not that cheese isn’t groovy, but it’s not normally grooved…except by the French!

Mar 31, 2009 at 1:11 am rating: 1

reply to this comment
- #31.1 geeklygirly
  
  Are you suggesting that the roommates may have touched the cheese?? B-but… but… they’re VEGAN!!!
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 5:40 pm rating: 0
add to this thread
#32 Krista

I don’t understand… You’re upset that your roommate left you a note about you using their equipment that they cleary don’t want you using (a specific way?). Are you like, five years old? Do you want the equipment to be taken away from you instead? Go sit in a corner.

Mar 31, 2009 at 8:42 am rating: 3

reply to this comment
- #32.1 Phalange
  
  Maybe they’re upset that their taintmunching vegan roommates can’t realize that kitchen untensils can be engaged in a variety of uses thanks to the miracle of “detergent”.
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 11:16 am rating: 2
- #32.2 Sirius
  
  Nay, once a magical plant zester has contacted the unholy cheese, it is forever befouled by the evil stench of formerly innocent cow titties.
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 11:45 am rating: 5
- #32.3 Clumber
  
  Krista – or, just maybe, ‘they’ thought things were getting a bit too passive here on PAN in the comments section, and not enough AGG. Lighter fluid…. bitchy notes… vegans… Clearly an appropriate use of the wildfire triangle as it applies to PAN.
  
  You’re right… I have no fucking clue what I am talking about. I just love seeing (imaging or imagining) that quizzical look and sideways glance that Mishee™ gives in this direction just before commenting that I should fuck off and die. ~~~swoon~~
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 1:58 pm rating: 1
- #32.4 Anniee451
  
  “Maybe they’re upset that their taintmunching vegan roommates can’t realize that kitchen untensils can be engaged in a variety of uses thanks to the miracle of “detergent”.
  
  Taintmunching vegans FTW. (Of course taints aren’t vegan, which makes it that much better.)
  
  I just think the note writer was so stupid she didn’t even know that a microplane is for zesting AND parmesan. It’s not like schools teach a lot of home ec anymore, and for too many people even *basic* cooking is way out of reach.
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 5:47 pm rating: 0
add to this thread
#33 Isuck

WHITE PEOPLE ARE SO STUPID! WTF IS A ZESTER? YOU EAT ORANGE PEELS? YOU PUT LEMON PEELS IN YOUR TEA OR SOMETHING? WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO EAT THAT?

Mar 31, 2009 at 8:52 am rating: 2

reply to this comment
- #33.1 park rose
  
  What? I couldn’t quite hear you.
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 9:00 am rating: 7
- #33.2 Canthz_B
  
  Isuck…well, at last you said it first. You do suck though.
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 9:17 am rating: 3
- #33.3 se
  
  umm, I’m white and I didn’t know what a zester was. maybe I should change my name to “stupider than the average white person”.
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 10:48 am rating: 2
- #33.4 Mishee™
  
  se, you are a man.
  
  so it doesn’t matter if you are white.
  
  you have no use for a zester.
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 11:10 am rating: 2
- #33.5 mamason
  
  Unless you happen to be a gay vegan.
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 11:52 am rating: 3
add to this thread
#34 Isuck

HEARING IS DONE WITH SOUND NOT TEXT… AND VERY CLEVER THING YOU DID WITH MY NAME CANTHZCHEZBRGR.

Mar 31, 2009 at 9:40 am rating: 0

reply to this comment
- #34.1 Mishee™
  
  GIGGLEBRAXING IS DONE WITH CLICKING “ADD TO THIS THREAD”…
  
  AND ITS COMMON KNOWLEDGE THAT TYPING ALL IN CAPS IS THE INTERNET VERSION OF YELLING.
  
  SO STFU AND GO BACK TO YOUR VIDEO GAMES!
  
  *sigh*
  
  Is it Spring Break again already?
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 9:42 am rating: 6
- #34.2 park rose
  
  Pardon #34? Could you speak up?
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 9:43 am rating: 3
- #34.3 Isuck
  
  ALL THESE WITTY COMMENTS AND ALL I GET IS STFU AND PLAY VIDEO GAMES? MISS HE YOU’LL HAVE TO DO BETTER THAN THAT.
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 9:51 am rating: 0
- #34.4 anglophile
  
  zzzzzzzz
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 9:55 am rating: 2
- #34.5 Mishee™
  
  Like I am gonna waste my best material on someone like you…
  
  As if!
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 10:07 am rating: 1
- #34.6 amy d
  
  To Isuck,
  
  You came in here “yelling” and calling an entire race of people stupid. That’s not likely to win you any friends.
  
  When you created your screen name, what did you think people would do with it? It certainly reads like a declaration of some sort. Either you are disparaging yourself or announcing one of your favorite activities.
  
  Finally, you ask why you only get a STFU when there are so many other witty comments on this site. Simply put, start with a witty comment yourself and we will respond in kind.
  
  Hope this helps!
  
  Love,
  amy d
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 10:10 am rating: 4
- #34.7 Mishee™
  
  Not to mention I guaranfuckintee you that some of the best treats you have eaten probably contain lemon zest.
  
  Lemon zest is proof that God loves us.
  
  Orange zest? Meh. Not so much.
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 10:14 am rating: 2
- #34.8 Isuck
  
  I’M NOT “YELLING” I ALWAYS “TALK” LIKE THIS. NICE MARDI GRAS MASK, WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIDE THE REST OF YOUR DISGUSTING BODY?
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 10:30 am rating: 0
- #34.9 Mishee™
  
  Don’t get all butt hurt just because people were throwing beads at you to keep your shirt down…
  
  Hey… what happened to that little square box that can be used to hide others comments?
  
  Eerac!?
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 10:46 am rating: 3
- #34.10 Geek Goddesss
  
  Mishee, I thought I heard you say that you baked lemon treats for us. Can you confirm by nodding or shaking your head? It is hard to hear over the background noise in here this morning, for some reason
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 10:54 am rating: 2
- #34.11 Mishee™
  
  I currently do not have any as I ate them all! (Isuck will soon learn that they have angered the Mishee™ at the WRONG TIME OF THE MONTH) But if you go to Cost Plus World Market, go get some Duchy Originals Lemon Biscuits (those fucking Brits, don’t they know they are called cookies?)… you will think you have died and gone to heaven.
  
  And pick me up a box while you’re at it?
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 11:08 am rating: 3
- #34.12 Beanster
  
  Isuck:
  
  Hint: Remove Bose headphones blasting Li’l Wayne. Not only will this aid in your ability to use your inside voice, the resulting lack of exposure to drivel will increase your vocabulary by some 48%.
  
  Yay Isuck and your road to recovery!
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 11:25 am rating: 4
- #34.13 Geek Goddesss
  
  “…the resulting lack of exposure to drivel will increase your vocabulary by some 48%.
  *translation*
  You won’t be hearing so much silly talk. You will know more words. You will be able to write more words.
  (Sorry Beanster, I felt that your note was written at too high a vocabulary level to be understood by those most in need of it. Certainly an excellent point though.)
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 11:44 am rating: 2
- #34.14 Beanster
  
  GG, thank you. Sometimes I find it hard to bring myself down far enough to make myself understood.
  
  Oh, the troubles of literacy.
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 11:56 am rating: 2
- #34.15 Geek Goddess
  
  *Pats Beanster consolingly on shoulder*
  There, there, I understand. Believe me, I understand. (and you can take that whichever way you want)
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 1:49 pm rating: 0
- #34.16 Anniee451
  
  “HEARING IS DONE WITH SOUND NOT TEXT”
  
  Heh, that’s one thing about the internet that has always annoyed me – being told I’m screaming when…hello? You can’t HEAR text. Having learned to type a hell of a long time ago on manual typewriters, a word in all caps simply meant emphasis on that word, no more.
  
  At the same time I do understand why the all caps stuff annoys people – I just wish they’d say it’s annoying instead of that it’s screaming.
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 5:50 pm rating: 0
- #34.17 Beanster
  
  * takes GG’s comment the fun way *
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 6:30 pm rating: 0
- #34.18 Canthz_B
  
  #34.16, Emphasis on a word can now be done quite easily by using italics and bolds. Much better than our old manual typewriter days. That’s why caps are used to show yelling/anger in this medium.
  That’s just the way it is.
  What are you going to do? Write in all caps, and show a higher emotional state by using smaller letters? That’s counterintuitive.
  
  Apr 3, 2009 at 3:40 am rating: 0
- #34.19 Anniee451
  
  Well, naturally, since it’s considered bad form and of course it can be annoying, I don’t write in all caps, though I will emphasize a single word or phrase that way when I’m rushing (as it’s quicker to hit a shift key than to type the symbols to make bold or italics.) Very old, very ingrained habits die very hard.
  
  And while I do try to stay within the bounds of net etiquette with this, it still is just one thing that irks *me* seeing complaints about “screaming.” Just a particular pet peeve of mine. Obviously I know I will still see it; it’s just one of those things.
  
  Apr 3, 2009 at 2:09 pm rating: 0
add to this thread
#35 Isuck

Sorry everyone, that was just a little sociology experiment.

People who live on the internet, like most of you, make up rules that they follow and expect other to follow. Your little community continuosly makes new rules and invites/kicks those that are worthy/unworthy.

It’s pretty amusing to screw with you guys. You redicule the P/A note writters for having these issues, then instantly write P/A notes when someone USES CAPS. BEAUTIFUL.

Amy D has written a classic P/A note that I’m sure will make the site.

Mishee, I just don’t think your at the level of some of the others. That’s not for a lack of trying though.

Well done Beanster you went right for the stereotype. Also, insulting vocabulary when there is clearly no issue, I’m sure you think non-white people are inferior.

Greek Goddess, you were doing so well. Ignoring trolls is probably the best way to make them go away. I guess you had to join in the fun.

I’m glad you guys participated. I especially enjoyed when you included my comment name, that made me snicker every time.

Mar 31, 2009 at 12:21 pm rating: 3

reply to this comment
- #35.1 mamason
  
  Listen here… or to be reduntantly punny… listen hear… *oh I crack myself up sometimes and isn’t that what’s important? hehe* … now, WTF was I talking about? Oh, yeah. You listen here Mr. Yousuck because, THIS IS NO PLACE FOR YOUR SO CALLED PSEUDO SCIENCEY EXPERIMENTATIONS! THIS IS NOT THE PETRI DISH YOUR DADDY SPEWED IN ALL THOSE MANY YEARS AGO AND BESIDES… YOU’RE UGLY AND YOUR MOTHER DRESSES YOU FUNNY.
  
  Oh, yeah! He’s gonna need some ointment after that burn!
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 12:48 pm rating: 1
- #35.2 anglophile
  
  Isuck:
  
  First, I am truly disappointed that you chose not to include me in the summary of your sociology exercise. Perhaps you threw out my data in compiling your results because you felt my falling asleep amounted to non-participation in your experiment. If so, I do believe that displays a critical flaw in your experiment design.
  
  Second, I would like to point out something you seem to not have grasped when embarking on your little breaching experiment: No shit amy_d wrote you a classic p/a note. It was a joke, dipshit. Making jokes on the topic of passive/aggressive behavior is what we are all here about and we frequently employ a p/a method in our comments, for emphasis.
  
  And third, I would like to point out the classic troll behavior you have exhibited by first posting an inflammatory post deliberately breaking known internet etiquette, then calling out other users by name, and finally declaring that you were just “conducting a social experiment”. It is so overdone and trite that I feel myself falling back to sleep again.
  
  *tosses Isuck a cookie, because sometimes one just can’t help but feed the little cuties*
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 2:20 pm rating: 11
- #35.3 Clumber
  
  Step 1: go into an established playground and act like an ass. √
  Step 2 : get called out by the regulars for being an ass. √
  Step 3 : your feelings hurt, strike out with name-calling and tantrums. √
  Step 4 : Regulars who had been holding back (at least their outside voices) reply back with far more witty, intelligent, and stinging comments, maybe even using words you don’t know. √
  Step 5 : Pull the Church Lady Superiority Dance and claim you were just ‘testing’ and – HA! HA! – this is proof that you are smarter, wittier, and have a fresher scent than the mean people who exposed your warts! So there! You showed them! √
  Step 6 : see step 4
  Step 7 : In a spasmodic fury with spittle dotting your monitor – declare that THEY are too IMMATURE for you and you’re taking your ball and bat and going home!
  Step 8 : Wait for apologies and pleadings for you to stay, they’re sorry and just didn’t recognize how truly fabulous you are.
  Step 9 : see Step 8
  Step 10 : PAN PROFIT!!
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 2:39 pm rating: 8
- #35.4 anglophile
  
  It’s a good afternoon for a flounce. I hope we see one soon.
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 4:06 pm rating: 2
- #35.5 aaa
  
  Damn, I missed all the bitchin troll action! *sigh* Y’know, it’s times like these when I wonder why I bother going to school, only to miss truly important life events.
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 4:28 pm rating: 1
- #35.6 geeklygirly
  
  OMG, Mr. Troll! Sociology! You are like, so cool, and smart!!
  
  Oh wait, no, wait, sorry. What I meant to say was, “Go drool and fart.” Those are your hobbies, right?
  
  Seriously. Scamper off now. Even those of us who aren’t regulars are already sick of you.
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 5:47 pm rating: 1
- #35.7 Anniee451
  
  Heh…I just found this site like two days ago, and been enjoying the notes…figured the minute I ventured into comments there’d be fighting. It’s a strange new world, the internet. Angry typing abounds, and even the lightest subjects lead to raging fights.
  
  Cyberspace…what a concept.
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 5:53 pm rating: 0
- #35.8 Mark
  
  I believe I’ve seen you on PunditKitchen. I lurk there sometimes. I would say that generally, things are less angry here than there, but of course arguments still break out. Welcome to PAN.
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 6:05 pm rating: 0
- #35.9 Anniee451
  
  Thanks, Mark PK is by nature a lot angrier because it’s political; this place seems too funny! Thank you Terry!
  
  Just don’t make me wear the unitard and nobody will get hurt
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 6:24 pm rating: 0
- #35.10 Mark
  
  I can’t promise that you’ll never have to wear the unitard. That is entirely up to you. And Mishee™.
  
  I believe you mean Kerry. Yes, she is the PANGoddess and we lurves her.
  
  Unless you mean THX SANDRA?
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 6:29 pm rating: 0
- #35.11 Mishee™
  
  Anniee, don’t listen to Mark.
  
  Saying “Thank You Terry” is COMPLETELY acceptable.
  
  I miss Terry. And Rene Hall.
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 6:34 pm rating: 1
- #35.12 Mark
  
  Oh, my! I’ve been pwnt by the n00b! *slinks away*
  
  I have read the “Thank You Terry” note, but for some reason I think of it as the “Anthony’s Song” note.
  
  Mark FAIL.
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 6:40 pm rating: 1
- #35.13 Mishee™
  
  I still ♥ you Mark.
  
  We are all allowed a slip up or two.
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 6:44 pm rating: 0
- #35.14 Anniee451
  
  Hehe – well it’s all fresh in my mind since I am just reading all the archives now. But thanks to Kerry as well !
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 7:20 pm rating: 0
- #35.15 Racerx
  
  WTF?
  
  Apr 1, 2009 at 12:42 am rating: 0
- #35.16 GK
  
  Bitch please, another “haha it was just a sociology experiment” face-save? These get more tedious every day. I’m only glad real sociologists have better things to do than act like spoilt toddlers on the internet. Presumably. Although, actually, that might explain a few things…
  
  Apr 1, 2009 at 3:04 am rating: 1
- #35.17 Anniee451
  
  GK…I don’t despise the guy or anything, but you have read Michael Steele claiming that *everything* he’s said and done thus far was all “on purpose” as part of same type of experiment, right? It’s kind of like a cat tripping itself up and then walking away all pissy because it MEANT to do that. In other words…yeah, that one is done quite often LOL
  
  Apr 1, 2009 at 3:25 am rating: 0
- #35.18 GK
  
  I wanted to look up who that Michael Steele guy was so we could converse on the subject (as it sounded amusing), but he appears to be an American politician. And, no offence to you personally, but everything about your country’s politics gives me a blinding headache, so I’m afraid I’ll have to pass. Here’s a lengthy and amusing anecdote about cats someone once told me to make up for it (screw you, post-length etiquette, if claw can get away with it so can I).
  
  — —
  
  Sakurajima, was, like most cats, entirely convinced of his own talent. I can safely say, without exaggeration or scientific backup, he was a badass. He believed his own hype. And most of the time, when he leapt from things because cats are not the sort of creatures to simply slide off or crawl off something without style and élan, he made it. All but once, did he make it.
  
  The set the scene for you, I was, at the time unmarried, and varied my time between watching TV, throwing empty bottles at a nice oil painting my dead grandmother crafted, and sleeping. The cat, Sakurajima, was twitching its tail, watching the sun through what of the window was visible through the duct tape. It decided to make a simple, no more than five foot leap, from the front sill, to the armrest of the couch, where I was laying, attempting to enjoy that episode of Sanford and Son where they visit The Gong Show. Out of the corner of my eye, I watched Sakurajima jump, and perhaps it was the air, a slippery spot, or simple miscalculation, but Sakurajima missed the arm of the couch.
  
  It was a train wreck.
  
  The entire back half of him twisted in mid-air and it started screeching, flailing its front paws like it was doing the wave, and bobbing its head. He landed split-legged on his butt and sort of spun sideways to stagger up. The whole thing took five seconds, which was actually pretty long. Naturally, Sakurajima once back on its legs, took to looking calmly forward as if it meant to look like it botched the f—k out of a Shining Wizard. There was no visible sign that the cat would even, if you could reason with it, believe you if you told it you had just seen it flap its arms and squawk in mid-air like a furry projectile.
  
  It never happened again, and several times after, Sakurajima would only leap from the front window to the armrest of the couch if I was watching, to prove that it could do it if it wanted to.
  
  If you’re curious the cat later died when a pair of small girls took turns trying to play catch with him and he landed on a fence post. They were nice about it though, and at least apologized. I’m lying. It was old age.
  
  Apr 1, 2009 at 4:07 am rating: 0
- #35.19 Anniee451
  
  LOL!!! (Short version – MS picked fights with some leading pundits, got pwned, apologized, then said, “I did that on purpose!” I don’t blame you for not wanting the details! I’m sorry I know them ) It just fit so well with the “sociological experiment” thing.
  
  **Awesome** story. I had a **truly** badass cat once, too, and he had a story like that – great cats are born for them, eh? Heh. Thanks!
  
  Apr 1, 2009 at 4:13 am rating: 0
- #35.20 Canthz_B
  
  Wonders if misspelling “ridicule” when trying to show that he is really intelligent and was just pulling legs was intentional, or if Isuck is really just as dumb a stump as his earlier comments?
  
  Comes to the conclussion that sometimes a stump is just a stump.
  
  Apr 3, 2009 at 3:44 am rating: 0
- #35.21 Canthz_B
  
  Bottom line here, Isuck, is that you’re one of those people who thinks (s)he knows it all and you walked into a buzz-saw of people who can not only match you, but surpass you…and do so with wit to boot.
  You’re not ready for prime time, so enjoy the rest of Spring Break, then go back to school and hit the books…hard!
  For now…hit the bricks!
  
  Apr 3, 2009 at 3:53 am rating: 1
add to this thread
#36 Beanster

Hi. Nice to meet you. I’m Tanzanian.

I actually didn’t imagine you as being non-white. I did imagine you as being upper-middle class and hating your parents though.

Ah, racialization. Sociology is FUN!

P.S. Why do you think we comment here? Surely it is not because we are, in fact, passive aggressive ourselves (read: I thought that was obvious).

Mar 31, 2009 at 12:28 pm rating: 3

reply to this comment
- #36.1 amy d
  
  People who live on the internet, like most of you, make up rules that they follow and expect other to follow. Your little community continuosly makes new rules and invites/kicks those that are worthy/unworthy.
  
  Isn’t that what society does, as a whole (makes rules and “punishes” the violators)? You rightly refer to us as a community. A blog that welcomes comments from its viewers is like a microcosm of society.
  
  And what of the effect your baiting had on your study?
  
  **oops, sorry. I nested this to the wrong comment. This should be with #35**
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 12:35 pm rating: 3
- #36.2 Clumber
  
  @ Beanster …and i thought it was mandatory…
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 2:41 pm rating: 1
- #36.3 Beanster
  
  Clumber, it turns out, “mandatory” only means “mandatory for those who aren’t douchebags.” we’ve all learned our lesson.
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 6:07 pm rating: 0
add to this thread
#37 Huh?

Well, you wouldn’t get a PA note if you didn’t use what’s not yours for a purpose it isn’t for. How did roomie find out you used it? You didn’t bother to clean it well enough afterward?

Team Leave MY Shit Alone.

ugh, a passe reference, I am old.

Mar 31, 2009 at 12:39 pm rating: 0

reply to this comment
- #37.1 Anniee451
  
  Agreed, for the most part…except “for a purpose it isn’t for” just isn’t accurate, which makes the note writer sound really stupid. A microplane is a microplane – it’s for romano, parmesan, chocolate, citrus, nutmeg, cinnamon, etc. If the writer had said “I do not want my microplane used for anything but citrus” instead of claiming that zesting is its only purpose, it wouldn’t be so idiotic.
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 5:59 pm rating: 0
- #37.2 Racerx
  
  A microplane by any other name would still remove the scabs on TOS’s nether regions.
  
  Apr 1, 2009 at 12:49 am rating: 0
add to this thread
#38 HairySwede

as far as Im concerned, zest is soap and only soap.

Mar 31, 2009 at 1:21 pm rating: 0

reply to this comment
#39 asdfoqqq

See the thing about the microplane zester is that you actually CAN’T use it on whatever you want if it’s not yours….If the tori went out and purchased her own, she could use it on whatever her little heart desires – her feet or cheese or her tongue.

Mar 31, 2009 at 2:27 pm rating: 1

reply to this comment
- #39.1 Anniee451
  
  I’m not sure I agree, because we don’t know what their agreement is on kitchen utensils. If they have agreed to share utensils, and if in fact the note writer is just too stupid to know that microplanes are for a variety of things, that’s one thing. It seems to be suggested by the way the note is written that that is the case. She didn’t say, please don’t use my microplane for anything but citrus, she said “it’s not a cheese grater,” which isn’t the same thing.
  
  It could also just be that, lacking a cheese grater, the roommate used it inappropriately for, say, a soft cheese and then didn’t make the effort to actually get all the cheese out of it – in which case, the note writer is being reasonable.
  
  But barring any real knowledge of their arrangement or what happened…I don’t know
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 6:28 pm rating: 0
- #39.2 Anniee451
  
  Um; I couldn’t edit, but obviously there was in fact more information before the note. Duh! Comprehension fail.
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 6:31 pm rating: 0
- #39.3 GK
  
  Some Real Life people showed up back at #25 / #25.6 to offer background information. Turns out her room-mates are vegan and had previously warned her about stuff like this. So, yes, if Tori wants to grate cheese, she needs to invest in her own grater. Such oppression!
  
  Apr 1, 2009 at 3:09 am rating: 0
- #39.4 Anniee451
  
  Haha! Double fail – comprehension and comment reading. Sorry! I sometimes get carried away with new sites. And while I find it obnoxious that the reason was that they were vegans and the taint of cheese was unconscionable (despite the modern invention of detergent), I totally agree that their property is their property. Tori needs to buy her own microplane.
  
  Apr 1, 2009 at 3:16 am rating: 0
- #39.5 GK
  
  They could have cleaned it, sure, but the only problem is that cleaning fine-toothed ~~graters~~ “zesters” — at least the ones with the little spiky bits — is the second most exasperating experience in the world, topped only by trying to dry it afterwards. (Today’s Top Tip: don’t use your favourite tea-towel)
  
  Apr 1, 2009 at 3:58 am rating: 0
- #39.6 Anniee451
  
  Hehe – yeah, those tea towels will be grated/shredded/unraveled all to hell. If the cheese had been made from human milk, would it have been acceptable? Inquiring minds want to know
  
  Also, I could be misunderstanding microplanes (after only like ten posts saying otherwise) – I am thinking not of those little spiky things (which I don’t find of any use either for zest OR for romano) but of the very, very fine graters, like tiny little regular cheese graters. The spiky ones are like…just rubbish.
  
  Apr 1, 2009 at 4:06 am rating: 0
- #39.7 GK
  
  Well, until this thread I would have assumed the word “microplane” referred to a form of air travel used by Lilliputians, so I don’t know if the spiky ones are maybe something completely different.
  
  Apr 1, 2009 at 4:13 am rating: 1
- #39.8 Anniee451
  
  Lilliputians FTW!
  
  Apr 1, 2009 at 4:16 am rating: 0
add to this thread
#40 Mark

Oops, gigglebraxing error. Disregard.

Mar 31, 2009 at 2:29 pm rating: 1

reply to this comment
- #40.1 aaa
  
  Well geez, now I’m going to want to regard it now. :c
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 4:18 pm rating: 1
- #40.2 Mishee™
  
  Mark – since you realized it in time to do a backedit, you are saved from the Unitard.
  
  Just this once.
  
  I don’t want people to think that I play favorites or something.
  
  (RB is my favorite… shhhh…)
  
  Mar 31, 2009 at 6:16 pm rating: 0
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#41 JoeyGirl

i looked up the microplate zester thing and it looks like a callus remover…eww.

Mar 31, 2009 at 6:55 pm rating: 0

reply to this comment
#42 Melissa

I can kind of relate to the note-writer… for a year after we started living together my lovely and darling housemate used a metal sieve to drain pasta because “the spaghetti goes out the holes” of a real strainer. Drove me insane. Pasta starch + very fine metal grid = complete nightmare to wash.

It happened, like, three times a week, too (hey, university students eat a lot of spaghetti).

Apr 3, 2009 at 4:36 pm rating: 0

reply to this comment
#43 Helenasia

I am so so guilty. I have on various occasions used the “zester” for a cheese grater… Infact, thats what i thought it was for. Like a cheesegrater for one. I thought some thoughtful person had invented a grater for someone who likes a little bit of cheese, but not a lot.

Oh well.

Apr 3, 2009 at 4:48 pm rating: 0

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Is that a chicken wing in your pocket, or… (1)
- Scott C: Pfft, only $82 of wings? Elwood’s a lightweight.
The Big Brother’s Guide to Little Sisters (28)
- R: Maybe he’s british and on Tuesday he wants to steal her cigarette.
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- pedro: Never mind, just clued into the sarcasm when I couldn’t find the age posted;)
- pedro: where does it say he is 18? I think he is a lot younger than that

funny (if not necessarily "passive-aggressive") notes from pissed-off people

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March 30th, 2009 · 247 comments

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