Entries from March 2009
Victoria in Foster city, California, says her brother taped this note to one of the kitchen cabinets in their mother’s house after her boyfriend took his own frozen chicken out of little brother’s grasp the night before. (Just to clarify that mess of pronouns: it was Victoria’s boyfriend’s chicken. Not that it really matters.)
“He’s 17 and constantly PMS-ing and thinks he has reign of the house,” Victoria says of her brother. So, in response, Victoria did whatever any older sibling does when a parent tells you to suck it up and act your age. (Namely: exactly the opposite.)
related: no girls allowed
Tags: California · family · kitchen · not-so-veiled threats · rebuttals · siblings
My Grandma Cookie is 85 today! Won’t you join me in wishing her love, joy and a good day?
And please, she’s got early bird reservations at the hibachi restaurant at 6 p.m. (Florida time, natch), so step on it, won’tcha?
related: An occasion that Blue Mountain Arts has yet to animate
extra credit: The Blue Mountain Arts e-card from Grandma Cookie that my brother Danny “forgot” to pick up
Tags: birthday · Grandma · guilt trip
Our submitter, Glenn, says this all-staff e-mail “just kinda sucked the life out of us” around his office. “It was like a Mom saying ‘Guess what, kids?” in a really excited voice, and then saying ‘You’re going to the dentist!!!‘”
But the best part of this note — besides the pitch-perfect forced jollity — is the fact that at the time this message was sent, only one person in the office (Glenn) happened to have long sideburns and a “fun” faux hawk. So, gosh darn it, life is still good!
related: the classic all-staff e-mail
Tags: a little patronizing · all-staff e-mail · now that's management · office · rhetorical question · Texas
Our anonymous submitter found several copies of this notice posted around her McMansion-filled neighborhood in Leander, Texas, just five charmingly rustic miles north of Austin proper. (If you’re a little short in the 4-H ribbon department, that’s your cue to shake your head and mutter “Pshaw, city folk!”)
related: If your grandma wrote PSAs
Tags: "helpful" advice · CAPS LOCK · horses, cows, & chickens · most popular notes of 2009 · MYOB · neighbors · Oops? · Texas · thanks (but not really)
Veronica spotted this gloriously expressive exercise in futility stapled to a telephone pole near her home in San Francisco. I totally forgive the double p in “apartment,” because dude, I know exactly how you feel.
Also, the idea of someone ripping off one of those tabs and going, “Why yes, I will fuck myself!” is just really tickling me right now.
related: untitled (broken glass)
Tags: California · CAPS LOCK · fuck fuckity fuck fuck · San Francisco · stealing
“In the staff area of our library, there is a single-stall, co-ed bathroom,” says our anonymous submitter in Berkeley, California. Everyone got along okay, more or less, until recently, when one of the library’s male employees “left quite a mess behind.” A female coworker responded with the note below.
And then, well, the lines were drawn.
related: dude kinda has a point
Tags: battle of the sexes · Berkeley · CAPS LOCK · clip art catastrophe · fed-up librarian · office · toilet
Facebook‘s new “I like this” feature doesn’t allow you to give “thumbs down” to your friends’ status updates or posted links — a boon to both the supportive, snap-cup-loving, kindergarten-teacher-types on your friends list and the die-hard passive-aggressives on your frenemies list!
The even bigger “ouch”?
related: Reason #784 why you should never list your relationship status in your facebook-profile
extra credit: STFU, Marrieds
Tags: breakup · Facebook · frenemies
“One morning last summer,” writes Stephanie in Illinois, “my brother and I arrived at the company where we worked to find these notes posted to the candy vending machine. (Mind you, it was 8:45 a.m.) Apparently, the man who fills the vending machines — a.k.a ‘Mr. Candyman’ — had failed to restock the machine for a week, and the ladies of the office had had enough.”
I mean, really. we’re talking about a serious breach of the social contract here, people!
Stephanie and I were both particularly tickled by the the “gas prices” note at top right. (“What does that even mean?” she wonders.)
Meanwhile, Lisa in Nashville spotted this note posted on the vending machine in the studio arts building at Vanderbilt University. “There had been many previous notes asking (nicely) for more Twizzlers,” Lisa says, but as desperation set in, at least one distraught staff member decided to get lyrical on Candyman’s ass.
related: The Pepsi Challenge
Tags: candy · food · Illinois · office · pleasantries as afterthought · questionable logic · raging against the machine · sad face · spelling and grammar police · vending machine drama
Chris says this note was slipped under his apartment door by one of his “typically passive-aggressive Seattle neighbors.” And no, he adds, he hadn’t noticed. Perhaps because the door was lacking in aggressively punctuated parenthetical statements!! (Homeowners dues??)
Personally, I am just luuurving the nice little call-and-response rhythm this note has got goin’ on. I eagerly await the OutKast “Rape Burgle Murder” remix!(!!)
related: Everyone: shut it
Tags: confusion??? · exclamation-point happy!!!! · irregular capitalization · neighbors · opening/closing · Seattle · You call that punctuation?
You decide: which masterpiece is most worthy of the Lisa Frank award for the most artistic expression of repressed rage?
Is it Exhibit a, from a hip-hop retail store in California?
Exhibit b, from an American college dorm?
Or Exhibit c, from a shared apartment in Guelph, Ontario?
Oh, and ladies? As you busy yourself with your construction paper and colored markers, never forget the most disgusting thing!
related: What, no bubble letters?
Tags: art · college life · dishes · disturbingly detailed · heart · rainbow-colored · signed with love · smiley · Your mother doesn't...