Entries from March 2009

All the makings of a great Noah Baumbach screenplay

March 25th, 2009 · 248 Comments

Victoria in Foster city, California, says her brother taped this note to one of the kitchen cabinets in their mother’s house after her boyfriend took his own frozen chicken out of little brother’s grasp the night before. (Just to clarify that mess of pronouns: it was Victoria’s boyfriend’s chicken. Not that it really matters.)

Kitchen Rules

“He’s 17 and constantly PMS-ing and thinks he has reign of the house,” Victoria says of her brother. So, in response, Victoria did whatever any older sibling does when a parent tells you to suck it up and act your age. (Namely: exactly the opposite.)

New "house" rules: pubescent adolescents don't make house rules

all the makings of a great noah baumbach screenplay

all the makings of a great noah baumbach screenplay

related: no girls allowed

Tags: California · family · kitchen · not-so-veiled threats · rebuttals · siblings

But…but…I didn’t forget!

March 24th, 2009 · 94 Comments

My Grandma Cookie is 85 today! Won’t you join me in wishing her love, joy and a good day?

If you have a birthday and don't hear from your grandchildren, is it still a birthday?

And please, she’s got early bird reservations at the hibachi restaurant at 6 p.m. (Florida time, natch), so step on it, won’tcha?

related: An occasion that Blue Mountain Arts has yet to animate

extra credit: The Blue Mountain Arts e-card from Grandma Cookie that my brother Danny “forgot” to pick up

Tags: birthday · Grandma · guilt trip

But what about Hawaiian shirt day?

March 23rd, 2009 · 116 Comments

Our submitter, Glenn, says this all-staff e-mail “just kinda sucked the life out of us” around his office. “It was like a Mom saying ‘Guess what, kids?” in a really excited voice, and then saying ‘You’re going to the dentist!!!‘”

so, life is still good!

But the best part of this note — besides the pitch-perfect forced jollity — is the fact that at the time this message was sent, only one person in the office (Glenn) happened to have long sideburns and a “fun” faux hawk. So, gosh darn it, life is still good!

related: the classic all-staff e-mail

Tags: a little patronizing · all-staff e-mail · now that's management · office · rhetorical question · Texas

Oh, the Rancher and the McMansioner should be friends

March 22nd, 2009 · 221 Comments

Our anonymous submitter found several copies of this notice posted around her McMansion-filled neighborhood in Leander, Texas, just five charmingly rustic miles north of Austin proper. (If you’re a little short in the 4-H ribbon department, that’s your cue to shake your head and mutter “Pshaw, city folk!”)

Neighbors in Grand Mesa: I appreciate the concern as to the condition of my cattle. However, it is normal after calving that a cow looks "poor/starved." She also begins the nursing process that is a drain on her. I now have 6 spring calves. These are fed round bales on a regular basis as well as daily cattle feed. However, since you feel this is not enough, please feel free to contribute to their feed bill. You can send your contributions to [redacted]. Round bales are $55. Cubes $10 a bag. I do appreciate your concern and I look forward to your help in their care. And they will thank you too. Thanks too for calling the Williamson County Sheriff's Dept. It was good to see them again! They of course found no issue with the cattle.

related: If your grandma wrote PSAs

Tags: "helpful" advice · CAPS LOCK · horses, cows, & chickens · most popular notes of 2009 · MYOB · neighbors · Oops? · Texas · thanks (but not really)

The ripped-off tabs are what get me

March 18th, 2009 · 154 Comments

Veronica spotted this gloriously expressive exercise in futility stapled to a telephone pole near her home in San Francisco. I totally forgive the double p in “apartment,” because dude,  I know exactly how you feel.

Also, the idea of someone ripping off one of those tabs and going, “Why yes, I will fuck myself!” is just really tickling me right now.

FUCK YOU You stole our laptops from our appartment [sic], but I'm sure you needed them all, right? The pillow case you took them in, keep it. But the laptops, come on. What a fucking jerk.

related: untitled (broken glass)

Tags: California · CAPS LOCK · fuck fuckity fuck fuck · San Francisco · stealing

The case for single-sex toilets

March 17th, 2009 · 139 Comments

“In the staff area of our library, there is a single-stall, co-ed bathroom,” says our anonymous submitter in Berkeley, California. Everyone got along okay, more or less, until recently, when one of the library’s male employees “left quite a mess behind.” A female coworker responded with the note below.

Turn around. Did everything flush? Did you wipe the seat and put it back down? Have some common courtesy. We don't want to know your business. Thanks

And then, well, the lines were drawn.

Please DO NOT flush any feminine products in the toilet!

Please also avoid flushing the following Masculine Products in the toilet: Electric razors, Sporting equipment, T.V. remotes, Guns, Excessive Aggression

related: dude kinda has a point

Tags: battle of the sexes · Berkeley · CAPS LOCK · clip art catastrophe · fed-up librarian · office · toilet

Snaps for schadenfreude!

March 16th, 2009 · 98 Comments

Facebook‘s new “I like this” feature doesn’t allow you to give “thumbs down” to your friends’ status updates or posted links — a boon to both the supportive, snap-cup-loving, kindergarten-teacher-types on your friends list and the die-hard passive-aggressives on your frenemies list!

Daniel fractured his arm in 3 places.

The even bigger “ouch”?

ouch.

related: Reason #784 why you should never list your relationship status in your facebook-profile
extra credit: STFU, Marrieds

Tags: breakup · Facebook · frenemies

The Candyman Can’t

March 13th, 2009 · 155 Comments

“One morning last summer,” writes Stephanie in Illinois, “my brother and I arrived at the company where we worked to find these notes posted to the candy vending machine. (Mind you, it was 8:45 a.m.) Apparently, the man who fills the vending machines — a.k.a ‘Mr. Candyman’ — had failed to restock the machine for a week, and the ladies of the office had had enough.”

I mean, really. we’re talking about a serious breach of the social contract here, people!

A [sic] Empty Machine is Unaceptable [sic]! Mr. Candyman, you did not keep your WORD! This machine has been empty since Tues last week.

Stephanie and I were both particularly tickled by the the “gas prices” note at top right. (“What does that even mean?” she wonders.)

Gas prices are high but that doesn't do much when our stomach starts to growl!! Hungry!!

Meanwhile, Lisa in Nashville spotted this note posted on the vending machine in the studio arts building at Vanderbilt University. “There had been many previous notes asking (nicely) for more Twizzlers,” Lisa says, but as desperation set in, at least one distraught staff member decided to get lyrical on Candyman’s ass.

Candyman, oh candyman...,Where have you gone? The twizzler slot is empty. Oh yes, we have none. What burden we bear, what sadness we hold, for we thought twizzlers we soon would behold.

related: The Pepsi Challenge

Tags: candy · food · Illinois · office · pleasantries as afterthought · questionable logic · raging against the machine · sad face · spelling and grammar police · vending machine drama

Ain’t that the gospel truth?

March 11th, 2009 · 102 Comments

Chris says this note was slipped under his apartment door  by one of his “typically passive-aggressive Seattle neighbors.” And no, he adds, he hadn’t noticed. Perhaps because the door was lacking in aggressively punctuated parenthetical statements!! (Homeowners dues??)

Hey Neighbors! Notice the front door isn't closing on its own? (It's been a few weeks!!) Anyone can walk in off the street! (Rape, Burgle, Murder!) Maybe somebody should have it looked at!! (homeowner's dues...) Can we please try to make sure the door stays closed??

Personally, I am just luuurving the nice little call-and-response rhythm this note has got goin’ on. I eagerly await the OutKast “Rape Burgle Murder” remix!(!!)

related: Everyone: shut it

Tags: confusion??? · exclamation-point happy!!!! · irregular capitalization · neighbors · opening/closing · Seattle · You call that punctuation?

Girls gone wild…with colored markers

March 10th, 2009 · 129 Comments

You decide: which masterpiece is most worthy of the Lisa Frank award for the most artistic expression of repressed rage?

Is it Exhibit a, from a hip-hop retail store in California?

Clean up after urself ur momma ain't here NO FOOD DOWN THE DRAIN

Exhibit b, from an American college dorm?

Stop going out the side door plz you're fucking lazy and really dumb! And the alarm is fucking annoying! k thnx

Or Exhibit c, from a shared apartment in Guelph, Ontario?

BRING BOWLS DOWNSTAIRS with love :)

Oh, and ladies? As you busy yourself with your construction paper and colored markers, never forget the most disgusting thing!

related: What, no bubble letters?

Tags: art · college life · dishes · disturbingly detailed · heart · rainbow-colored · signed with love · smiley · Your mother doesn't...