editor’s note: eerac has been trying to get me to post this note for almost a year now, and i’m usually all, “but it’s not, you know, real!” and he’s all, “but it’s real funny!” (a point i had to concede). and so, in honor of april 1 (a.k.a. ninja note day on PAN) i’m offering this note amnesty. —k.m.
writes our anonymous submitter from dayton, ohio: “sent by what appears to be a group of teenage mutant ninja turtle aficionados, this letter was received last year after the somewhat eccentric and always-crazy editor of a small toy magazine erroneously described one of the characters as an ‘evil enemy rat.’”
we had our crack research staff (read: google) look into the authors’ identities, and the results were shocking: the letter was written by then-interns at the onion, and sent from the publication’s new york offices!
related: on jamming
81 responses so far ↓
#1
Yep.
That’s truly, epically hilarious.
Apr 1, 2009 at 3:00 pm rating: +2
#2
@my!!
I… I actually KNOW the Dan Klein in this letter.
Apr 1, 2009 at 3:00 pm rating: +2
#3
Mishee™
I wonder what April was portrayed as.
Hey! April!
Coincidence? I think not!
Apr 1, 2009 at 3:03 pm rating: +2
#4
Nope
That splinter was really quite tasty.
Apr 1, 2009 at 3:03 pm rating: +3
#5
Mishee™
I’m wondering more why what seems to be a girl participated in this letter.
Like girls know about shit like this.
Get real!
Apr 1, 2009 at 3:06 pm rating: +1
#6
Thomas Jefferson
Turtles Rule!
Shredder along with Krang are the evil villians of Master Splinter and the turtles.
April was hot!
Apr 1, 2009 at 3:10 pm rating: +3
#7
Resident Grammarian esq
Dear interns,
At the risk of spoiling the ending, mind your own fucking business.
I’m sorry you didn’t get the memo, but I am no longer the kindly sensei that you seem to want. After years of sleeping in the sewers, living off off crumbs in pizza boxes, and having to deal with obnoxious, mutated turtles – of all things – I decided that heroism doesn’t pay. I started spending my time spreading the plague and drinking equal parts of liquor and turtle soup, and then bought my own publication company called Tomart. Those clowns at Fox brought my show back for a year and portrayed me as the same fuddy duddy that I was 10 years ago so I used my magazine to change that. Why can’t you mind your own business? I will be looking into that return address, if you start vomiting blood, you’ll know why.
I hate you all.
Splinter
Apr 1, 2009 at 3:15 pm rating: +22
#8
claw71
Apparently these dorks haven’t read the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles trilogy as written by JRR Tolkien.
Perhaps the cartoons diluted the story and of course Peter Jackson was not retained to guide the development of the live action picture, but true fans of TMNT know that midway through the third book it is revealed that Splinter is a malignant force hell-bent on reducing the entire world into a steaming pot of mutant ninja turtle soup.
Apr 1, 2009 at 3:21 pm rating: +13
#9
mamason
Awww… I didn’t realize that Andrei had suffered a stroke.
*must remember to send flowers*
Apr 1, 2009 at 3:26 pm rating: +8
#10
claw71
I wish I could be so unabashedly proud of my lameness that I would not only send a letter proving it to all the world, but I would see fit to bodly sign it, John Hancock style.
This just screams: I’m never going to have sex, move out of my mother’s basement or secure a real job but I’ve forgotten more about Saturday morning cartoons than you will ever know, Mr. Man!
Apr 1, 2009 at 3:27 pm rating: +8
#11
claw71
Onion or not, knowing enough about this subject to send a spoof letter means that the joke is really on you.
Apr 1, 2009 at 3:33 pm rating: +2
#12
mamason
Will Tracy?
I think he will.
Apr 1, 2009 at 3:35 pm rating: +1
#13
anglophile
I have nothing, except that I feel really, really old.
Apr 1, 2009 at 3:39 pm rating: +2
#14
riskatstake
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Heroes in a half-shell
Turtle power!
They’re the world’s most fearsome fighting team (We’re really hip!)
They’re heroes in a half-shell and they’re green (Hey – get a grip!)
When the evil Shredder attacks
These Turtle boys don’t cut him no slack!
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Splinter taught them to be ninja teens (He’s a radical rat!)
Leonardo leads, Donatello does machines (That’s a fact, Jack!)
Raphael is cool but crude (Gimme a break!)
Michaelangelo is a party dude (Party!)
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Heroes in a half shell
Turtle power!
Had to be done.
Apr 1, 2009 at 3:55 pm rating: +14
#15
You Suck at Craigslist
I’d just like to state for the record that I have never seen an episode of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Apr 1, 2009 at 4:02 pm rating: +3
#16
High On Markers
I thought “First of all, fuck you” was the saluation on first glance, then, disappointingly, saw the “Dear Tomart”.
I still think MS Word should have this as a standard salutation. You’ll start typing in… “Dear Gladys” and it will fill in the “First of all, fuck you” part automatically.
MS Word developers visiting this page take heed.
Apr 1, 2009 at 4:04 pm rating: +32
#17
Clumber
… must… figure way to hack the thumbs-up counter… this one deserves at least 5 from me…
Apr 1, 2009 at 5:15 pm rating: +1
#18
Geek Goddess
Emnity ˈem-nə-tē
noun; plural em·ni·ties
A portmanteau word created from a combination of enmity and amnesty. There’s no emnity in this message.
Apr 1, 2009 at 6:23 pm rating: +2
#19
fluffy8u
Nope. I agree with K. M. doesn’t matter if it’s “real funny” (p.s. nice English boys!) it’s not real.
Apr 2, 2009 at 12:10 am rating: +1
#20
Canthz_B
Children of the eighties…this thread’s for you!!!
Apr 2, 2009 at 1:45 am rating: +1
#21
Griffen P.
That turtle was fucking delicious!!! Lolz!!!
Apr 2, 2009 at 3:25 am rating: +1
#22
Phalange
Actually, the TMNT DID have an evil rat nemesis, but it was The Rat King, not Splinter. I believe the Rat King had a wicked jetski thingy to propel him through the sewers.
Apr 2, 2009 at 10:23 am rating: +3
#23
mamason
Apr 2, 2009 at 1:17 pm rating: 0
#24
Stuff Queer People Need To Know
That’s not passive aggressive, that’s just aggressive.
Apr 2, 2009 at 1:50 pm rating: 0
#25
KatieMB
*understands why KM took so long to post this note*
Apr 2, 2009 at 7:22 pm rating: 0
#26
noah
I don’t get what’s fake about this. Just because it’s sent by Onion employees? They’re right. It’s real.
Apr 3, 2009 at 4:43 pm rating: 0
#27
Bald Outing
that “first of all” part is just aggressive..no passivity there…
Apr 4, 2009 at 9:32 pm rating: 0
#28
Sarah
Late 20s female checking in, have to say I think that including Master Splinter as the “Rat Enemy” is a major fail. Only watched the cartoon series, just loved that theme song, don’t remember much but Splinter was far from the Rat enemy. I think he was a martial artist who was turned into a rat by the same stuff which changed the turtles, and ended up being the one to train them.
Apr 6, 2009 at 2:56 am rating: 0
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