A disgrace to all other encyclopedias of action figures

April 1st, 2009 · 81 comments

Editor’s note: Eric has been trying to get me to post this note for almost a year now, and I’m usually all, “but it’s not, you know, real!” and he’s all, “but it’s real(ly) funny!” (A point I had to concede). And so, in honor of April 1 (a.k.a. Ninja Note Day on PAN) I’m offering this note amnesty. —Kerry

Writes our anonymous submitter from Dayton, Ohio: “Sent by what appears to be a group of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle aficionados*, this letter was received last year after the somewhat eccentric and always-crazy editor of a small toy magazine erroneously described one of the characters as an ‘evil enemy rat.’”

Dear Tomart, First of all: fuck you. What your Encyclopedia of Action Figures has done on page 282 is a disgrace to all other encyclopedias of action figures. To portray Splinter, the stoic sensei that coalesced the mutant turtles' angst and talent into an unstoppable ninja force for good, as the turtles'

*We had our crack research staff (read: Google) look into the authors’ identities, and the results were shocking: the letter was written by then-interns at The Onion, and sent from the publication’s New York offices.

related: On jamming

FILED UNDER: fuck fuckity fuck fuck · New York · that's irresponsible


81 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Yep.

    That’s truly, epically hilarious.

    Apr 1, 2009 at 3:00 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #2   @my!!

    I… I actually KNOW the Dan Klein in this letter.

    Apr 1, 2009 at 3:00 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   beth

      I do too!!

      Apr 1, 2009 at 5:14 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.2   Joe

      Ironically, I know the owner of Tomart. Really.

      Apr 3, 2009 at 3:24 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #3   Mishee™ bang

    I wonder what April was portrayed as.

    Hey! April!

    Coincidence? I think not!

    Apr 1, 2009 at 3:03 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   Thomas Jefferson bang

      As a dirty slut lab assistant for an evil doctor that takes up reporting for a sleazy TV entertainment new show…
      …or something like that…so I heard… maybe…
      Shut up!

      Apr 1, 2009 at 3:22 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.2   Canthz_B bang

      Your middle name is George, right Tom? :mrgreen:

      Apr 2, 2009 at 1:30 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.3   mamason bang

      He’s my uncle.

      Apr 2, 2009 at 3:23 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.4   Mishee™ bang

      mama – I thought Bob was!

      Now I am confused…

      Apr 2, 2009 at 3:32 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.5   mamason bang

      What about Bob?

      Apr 2, 2009 at 3:46 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.6   mamason bang

      Oh. Uncle Bob. duh!

      Apr 2, 2009 at 4:06 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   Nope

    That splinter was really quite tasty.

    Apr 1, 2009 at 3:03 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   Mishee™ bang

      You think you are fooling me with your thesaurus?

      Apr 1, 2009 at 3:06 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   Mishee™ bang

    I’m wondering more why what seems to be a girl participated in this letter.

    Like girls know about shit like this.

    Get real!

    Apr 1, 2009 at 3:06 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   Dawnavive

      I was the biggest TMNT fan when i was a kid. I had ALL the action figures, even the van! So yes, girls do know.

      Apr 1, 2009 at 3:10 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.2   Natalie

      My little brother, 9 years my junior, had all the action figures. Frankly, as a girl, I have to admit that they did have a certain appeal and an interesting story. Raphael was my favorite, because he was the badass. I am now 28 years old and sadly, I remember all of them and their weapon of choice, including the ‘bad guys’.

      Apr 1, 2009 at 5:04 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.3   Joyful Darkness

      I have loved ( and still love) the Turtles. i ahve seen every movie, read every comic, and even watched the cartoon series. I owned the action figures (until recently), and have dressed up at a Ninja Turtle (Raf FTW)

      I am 30, and most definitley female.

      Apr 2, 2009 at 11:13 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.4   telecomladyj

      I am also a female Ninja Turtle freak
      *sob*

      Apr 2, 2009 at 12:57 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.5   Beanster bang

      I thought they were super lame but am strangely drawn to them because of their Art History names.

      Does Donatello have an unbelievable understanding of the three-dimensional?
      Does Michaelangelo enjoy non-verbal communication and gesture?

      Apr 2, 2009 at 8:23 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.6   Turtle Vagina

      I bought my action figures with my allowance money. Leonardo was my favorite because of his katana. I watched the cartoon. Me loves TMTT – me have vagina!

      Apr 4, 2009 at 5:23 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.7   Alice

      Hey I’m a 28 yr old girl and I never ever missed a tmnt episode! I was so exicted when they came back a few years ago because I could impress my 9 yr old buddy with my encyclopedic knowledge of the show. I gave him my original movies (on VHS) and we even went to see the new movie together when it came out! (Donatello was (and still is) my favorite!) And I remember the arcade game ROCKED!

      Apr 4, 2009 at 9:28 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   Thomas Jefferson bang

    Turtles Rule!
    Shredder along with Krang are the evil villians of Master Splinter and the turtles.

    April was hot! :lol:

    Apr 1, 2009 at 3:10 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #7   Resident Grammarian esq bang

    Dear interns,

    At the risk of spoiling the ending, mind your own fucking business.

    I’m sorry you didn’t get the memo, but I am no longer the kindly sensei that you seem to want. After years of sleeping in the sewers, living off off crumbs in pizza boxes, and having to deal with obnoxious, mutated turtles – of all things – I decided that heroism doesn’t pay. I started spending my time spreading the plague and drinking equal parts of liquor and turtle soup, and then bought my own publication company called Tomart. Those clowns at Fox brought my show back for a year and portrayed me as the same fuddy duddy that I was 10 years ago so I used my magazine to change that. Why can’t you mind your own business? I will be looking into that return address, if you start vomiting blood, you’ll know why.

    I hate you all.
    Splinter

    Apr 1, 2009 at 3:15 pm   rating: 24  small thumbs up

     
  • #8   claw71 bang

    Apparently these dorks haven’t read the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles trilogy as written by JRR Tolkien.

    Perhaps the cartoons diluted the story and of course Peter Jackson was not retained to guide the development of the live action picture, but true fans of TMNT know that midway through the third book it is revealed that Splinter is a malignant force hell-bent on reducing the entire world into a steaming pot of mutant ninja turtle soup.

    Apr 1, 2009 at 3:21 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   Thomas Jefferson bang

      Mmmmm turtle soup and a nice Chianti.

      Apr 1, 2009 at 3:24 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #9   mamason bang

    Awww… I didn’t realize that Andrei had suffered a stroke. :-(
    *must remember to send flowers*

    Apr 1, 2009 at 3:26 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

     
  • #10   claw71 bang

    I wish I could be so unabashedly proud of my lameness that I would not only send a letter proving it to all the world, but I would see fit to bodly sign it, John Hancock style.

    This just screams: I’m never going to have sex, move out of my mother’s basement or secure a real job but I’ve forgotten more about Saturday morning cartoons than you will ever know, Mr. Man!

    Apr 1, 2009 at 3:27 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

     
  • #11   claw71 bang

    Onion or not, knowing enough about this subject to send a spoof letter means that the joke is really on you.

    Apr 1, 2009 at 3:33 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   CS Harmonikah

      I don’t see where knowing basic knowledge on a show from your childhood is that embarrassing.

      For anyone born in the 80′s, it’s as basic as knowing whether Lex Luthor or Darth Vader were heroes or villains.

      Apr 1, 2009 at 4:07 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.2   claw71 bang

      …knowing basic knowledge

      That’s some mighty fine wordsmithing there.

      Clunky word choices aside, I don’t begrudge these guys their ability to recall basic facts from a cartoon they were fond of but admitting such knowledge demands that cool points be deducted.

      The letter was funny so we’ll give points back, but not funny enough to ignore the foul.

      Apr 1, 2009 at 4:57 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.3   mamason bang

      …knowing basic knowledge

      hahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

      Apr 1, 2009 at 5:10 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.4   Andy

      … and knowing is half the battle!

      Apr 1, 2009 at 5:36 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.5   Doug™

      I always thought the Onion was a reliable source for news?

      Apr 1, 2009 at 7:41 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.6   T-Rex Annum bang

      “The more you know the more you grow”

      Apr 2, 2009 at 10:50 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.7   KatieMB bang

      I see growth there, mister!

      Apr 4, 2009 at 8:44 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #12   mamason bang

    Will Tracy?

    I think he will.

    Apr 1, 2009 at 3:35 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   Clumber

      Hey! I’m a Tracy, dammit… and a SHE-Tracy at that!

      With 2 OEM X-chromosomes and everything. And I most certainly will NOT. HARUMPF and GOOD DAY!

      (well ok, but only if you promise to watch)

      Clumber, who IRL is a Tracy and who also IRL and IFL is not nor ever was a TMNT fan.

      Apr 1, 2009 at 5:13 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.2   mamason bang

      Ooooo… A she-Tracy and I get to watch! +1 :-)

      IRL and IFL is not nor ever was a TMNT fan. -5 :-(

      Apr 1, 2009 at 5:25 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.3   clumber

      Do I get some of the demerits pardoned if the main reason was that I am too damn old? Wikipedia says the show started in 1987. I was 19. My little sis was a big fan…

      Apr 2, 2009 at 12:41 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #13   anglophile bang

    I have nothing, except that I feel really, really old.

    Apr 1, 2009 at 3:39 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   mamason bang

      I think you feel really, really nice.

      Apr 1, 2009 at 3:51 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.2   The Dude bang

      Look, mama, just stay away from my fucking lady friend.

      Apr 1, 2009 at 3:58 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.3   mamason bang

      Chill, The Dude. That’s no way to speak about a lady. Especially one as PATDS as our resident (((Glo))).

      Apr 1, 2009 at 4:52 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.4   Andy

      The dude abides, man.

      I’m calling false dudeness.

      Apr 1, 2009 at 5:38 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.5   The Dude bang

      She’s not my special lady, she’s my fucking lady friend. I’m just helping her conceive, man!

      *is not helping Glo to conceive*

      Apr 1, 2009 at 6:32 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.6   Canthz_B bang

      When The Dude’s around we have all the mutants we can handle…who needs turtles?

      Apr 2, 2009 at 1:40 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.7   Andy

      *stands corrected*

      Apr 2, 2009 at 11:06 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #14   riskatstake bang

    Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
    Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
    Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
    Heroes in a half-shell
    Turtle power!

    They’re the world’s most fearsome fighting team (We’re really hip!)
    They’re heroes in a half-shell and they’re green (Hey – get a grip!)
    When the evil Shredder attacks
    These Turtle boys don’t cut him no slack!

    Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
    Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

    Splinter taught them to be ninja teens (He’s a radical rat!)
    Leonardo leads, Donatello does machines (That’s a fact, Jack!)
    Raphael is cool but crude (Gimme a break!)
    Michaelangelo is a party dude (Party!)

    Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
    Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
    Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
    Heroes in a half shell
    Turtle power!

    Had to be done.

    Apr 1, 2009 at 3:55 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

     
  • #15   You Suck at Craigslist

    I’d just like to state for the record that I have never seen an episode of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

    Apr 1, 2009 at 4:02 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   Resident Grammarian esq bang

      If you’ve never seen TMNT then you suck in general.

      Apr 1, 2009 at 6:48 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.2   telecomladyj

      I second the boo!

      Apr 2, 2009 at 1:04 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.3   Beanster bang

      my mom wouldn’t let me watch the show.

      true story. apparently land sharks (is that even the right show?) were too scary.

      i was also not allowed to watch: batman, care bears, alladin, or animaniacs

      i’m glad my mom got normal after the fifth child.

      Apr 2, 2009 at 8:29 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.4   aaa

      My parents took me to see the Batman movie Mask of the Phantasm when it came out in theaters. I was five at the time, and there was definitely implied sex in it. Of course, I totally didn’t pick up on it until I saw it again on one of the thousand HBO channels a year ago. XD

      Apr 2, 2009 at 8:37 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.5   Beanster bang

      mom thought “balogna in your slacks” was rude. i just got it a few months ago.

      Apr 2, 2009 at 8:45 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.6   aaa

      I swore a few times when I was a baby because I heard my parents swear. XD

      Apr 2, 2009 at 8:51 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #16   High On Markers

    I thought “First of all, fuck you” was the saluation on first glance, then, disappointingly, saw the “Dear Tomart”.

    I still think MS Word should have this as a standard salutation. You’ll start typing in… “Dear Gladys” and it will fill in the “First of all, fuck you” part automatically.

    MS Word developers visiting this page take heed.

    Apr 1, 2009 at 4:04 pm   rating: 33  small thumbs up

     
  • #17   Clumber

    … must… figure way to hack the thumbs-up counter… this one deserves at least 5 from me…

    Apr 1, 2009 at 5:15 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   mamason bang

      …must… figure way to nest comments… this one deserves relevant context…

      Apr 1, 2009 at 5:27 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.2   Geek Goddess

      Hacking the thumbs-counter is simple. You just log on to different computers. In your case, at least five.

      What, you don’t have regular access to at least five different computers? I just go down to the basement and use several of my son’s computers. And then I tell him to turn the music down. It saves me stomping on the floor.

      Apr 1, 2009 at 6:13 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.3   clumber

      yeah mmamamamamason… i know… I hit ‘add to this thread’ then decided to log-in first, and then neglected to notice the comment space had MOVED dammit. I suck.

      And GG? umm.. no I don’t have any such access whatsoever. (shifts balance nervously) (squinty eyes dart left.. then right… then left….) Ok, I am a shitty liar… I am an IT weenie and am – this very moment- sitting in a cubicle with more than 5 computers (all in various stages of undress), each less than 2 wingspans away. Yup, gettin’ paid to read PAN!

      Apr 2, 2009 at 12:44 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.4   mamason bang

      You don’t suck, (((Clumber))). I was just bustin’ yer chops and I would expect nothing less from you.

      A true friend will tell you when there’s a booger hangin’ out of your nose. ;-)

      Apr 2, 2009 at 1:13 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.5   clumber

      swoon, bashfuls, hides…

      Apr 3, 2009 at 4:13 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #18   Geek Goddess

    Emnity ˈem-nə-tē
    noun; plural em·ni·ties

    A portmanteau word created from a combination of enmity and amnesty. There’s no emnity in this message.

    Apr 1, 2009 at 6:23 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   Icanseethroughyou

      ….but just add “U” and we have enough for anus (with extras!)

      Apr 1, 2009 at 6:40 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.2   T-Rex Annum bang

      I just love the word portmanteau.

      Apr 2, 2009 at 10:53 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.3   riskatstake bang

      still not as good as the word burgle.

      Apr 2, 2009 at 3:06 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.4   Mishee™ bang

      … or penii…

      Apr 2, 2009 at 3:09 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.5   mamason bang

      I’ve always been partial to pedunculated polyp.

      Apr 2, 2009 at 3:33 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.6   Beanster bang

      riskatstake and i are burgle buddies.

      pollywog.
      nugatory.

      Apr 2, 2009 at 8:51 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #19   fluffy8u

    Nope. I agree with K. M. doesn’t matter if it’s “real funny” (p.s. nice English boys!) it’s not real.

    Apr 2, 2009 at 12:10 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #20   Canthz_B bang

    Children of the eighties…this thread’s for you!!!

    Apr 2, 2009 at 1:45 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #21   Griffen P.

    That turtle was fucking delicious!!! Lolz!!!

    Apr 2, 2009 at 3:25 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #21.1   Mishee™ bang

      I remember the 80s, when the TMNT were cool.

      I remember 2007, when fucking delicious was cool.

      *sigh*

      The good old days.

      Apr 2, 2009 at 3:11 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #22   Phalange

    Actually, the TMNT DID have an evil rat nemesis, but it was The Rat King, not Splinter. I believe the Rat King had a wicked jetski thingy to propel him through the sewers.

    Apr 2, 2009 at 10:23 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #23   mamason bang

    :oops:

    Apr 2, 2009 at 1:17 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #24   Stuff Queer People Need To Know

    That’s not passive aggressive, that’s just aggressive.

    Apr 2, 2009 at 1:50 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #25   KatieMB bang

    *understands why KM took so long to post this note*

    Apr 2, 2009 at 7:22 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #26   noah

    I don’t get what’s fake about this. Just because it’s sent by Onion employees? They’re right. It’s real.

    Apr 3, 2009 at 4:43 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #27   Bald Outing

    that “first of all” part is just aggressive..no passivity there…

    Apr 4, 2009 at 9:32 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #28   Sarah

    Late 20s female checking in, have to say I think that including Master Splinter as the “Rat Enemy” is a major fail. Only watched the cartoon series, just loved that theme song, don’t remember much but Splinter was far from the Rat enemy. I think he was a martial artist who was turned into a rat by the same stuff which changed the turtles, and ended up being the one to train them.

    Apr 6, 2009 at 2:56 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #28.1   slythwolf

      Sure, if you’re talking about the bastardized cartoon and not the original comics, in which he was the rat pet of a martial artist.

      Apr 9, 2009 at 5:21 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     

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