our anonymous submitter in tel aviv spotted this note outside the kitchenette of a client’s office. in case your hebrew is a little rusty, she also provided an english translation:
please feel free to pour drinks, cut up food, warm things through, stir and mix food, chop food up very small, taste things and eat until you are well satisfied and utterly sated. BUT [the hebrew slang originating from the arabic equivalent of for fuck's sake] do it quietly!
adds our submitter: “presumably, noise is a problem — i was just tickled by how much i was permitted to do, as long as i kept my mouth shut.”
meanwhile, elsewhere in the middle east…the u.s. armed forces aren’t quite so “anything goes.” except, apparently, when it comes to shitting in the shower.
related: why is it that on this night we’re, like, allowed to eat carbs?
166 responses so far ↓
#1
Mishee™
For fuck’s sake, they don’t have Comic Sans in Tel Aviv??
Apr 2, 2009 at 5:11 pm rating: +15
#2
HilRIUs
The shit looks backwards to me…
Apr 2, 2009 at 5:18 pm rating: +12
#3
TheMiki
Is it cool to chop up my hookers here? I can do it quietly, and they always have duct tape over their mouths…
Apr 2, 2009 at 5:19 pm rating: +19
#4
nick
I guess they don’t like noisy eaters in Tel Aviv!
Apr 2, 2009 at 5:20 pm rating: 0
#5
Monkey Speaks
Im just proud that I can still read that
Apr 2, 2009 at 5:21 pm rating: +1
#6
Monkey Speaks
They never taught us in hebrew school “Aval” also meant for fucks sake. AWESOME. So using that more
Apr 2, 2009 at 5:21 pm rating: +1
#7
MAMARILLA2
All your food prep must be done right to left, and quietly.
Apr 2, 2009 at 5:23 pm rating: +21
#8
Resident Grammarian esq
feel free to break things, rip up the tiles and defacate in the fridge, but ffs do that quietly too.
Apr 2, 2009 at 5:24 pm rating: +2
#9
HilRIUs
Of course! Where else does good sarcasm come from?
Apr 2, 2009 at 5:25 pm rating: +1
#10
Mishee™
Why do they keep referencing pi?
Will there be pie?
Apr 2, 2009 at 5:25 pm rating: +15
#11
nick
I love pie!!
Apr 2, 2009 at 5:26 pm rating: +2
#12
HilRIUs
Pie is the best! Lurve cherry pie!
Apr 2, 2009 at 5:34 pm rating: +1
#13
Mishee™
Wait… if I can’t wash my donkey in the sink, then where in the hell do you expect me to wash him??
Apr 2, 2009 at 5:36 pm rating: +5
#14
oi!
DO not wash your ass and do not wash your dishes.
Both are in same set of instruction. How disgusting it can be?
Apr 2, 2009 at 5:37 pm rating: +1
#15
HilRIUs
Well, as I see it, what is left for them to do in the sink?
Cause you know, someone has already covered all the bases!
Apr 2, 2009 at 5:45 pm rating: +1
#16
oi!
what does “warm things through” is it some kind of Hebrew slang or something?
Apr 2, 2009 at 5:47 pm rating: 0
#17
QuarterRoy00
I think some of the U.S. Armed Forces need to go to Tel Aviv to wash/shit/cut hair…as long as they do it quietly.
Apr 2, 2009 at 5:49 pm rating: +4
#18
HilRIUs
Pee!! Hahah.. guessing probably the least of their worries considering someone has figured out how to get their ass up there for a scrubbing.
Apr 2, 2009 at 5:50 pm rating: 0
#19
HilRIUs
I’m so proud to have our tax dollars going to support such extravagant hygiene practices.
Apr 2, 2009 at 5:53 pm rating: +2
#20
Robs
U.S. Forces Occupied Building, Pile of Waste…what’s the difference again?
Apr 2, 2009 at 6:25 pm rating: 0
#21
KatieMB
*noisily crosses Tel Aviv off her “Potential Vacation Spots” list*
Apr 2, 2009 at 6:32 pm rating: +13
#22
leftfoot
i had a welcome home party for a bunch of grunts and I was informed by the one I’m closest to that it would be best to put “dishes are not fucking ashtrays” and “pick up the fucking seat before you piss, lazy ass” signs. I wish I’d taken pictures of them.
(the slang was required, I was told.)
But about the actual letter, I’m impressed that “defecate” was spelled properly. They may shit in the showers, but they know how to use spell check.
Apr 2, 2009 at 6:51 pm rating: +5
#23
mamason
“…Do not use it like a pile of waste”
I have never washed my feet, dishes or my ass in a pile of waste although I’m a little confused about the defecation part. That is a pile of waste.
Apr 2, 2009 at 6:55 pm rating: +4
#24
mamason
“…taste things and eat until you are well satisfied and utterly sated”
C’mere, Mishee!
Apr 2, 2009 at 7:00 pm rating: +2
#25
Jall-apeno
So, you can kinda see the trail of logic here…
PFC Johnson has just come in from the hot Iraqi desert, feels very dehydrated, and releases his bowels in the shower. It’s a fucking mess and he has to get out of there before he pukes. (Point 5)
Steps out and realizes his feet are covered in shit so he goes to the sink and washes them. Same thing with his ass cause it was a total blow out and no way is he getting it clean with the standard issue toilet paper. (Points 1 & 2)
Now he needs to dry his feet but he’s been standing on the floor so he uses the paper hand wipes rather than his towel and leaves them on the counter. He uses a couple more to stand on so he can keep his feet clean. (Point 6)
As for point 3, washing dishes in the sink, PFC Johnson later washed PFC Juarez’s dishes in there because Juarez borrowed his GameBoy and lost it on a patrol. Johnson knew the sink was all shitty and shit so it was his private joke.
As for the hair trimming, that’s just plain fucked up. No reason to do that…who does that?
Apr 2, 2009 at 7:53 pm rating: +12
#26
MuyMuyMuy
Oh dear, in the summer I wash my feet in the sink at work all the time… I didn’t realize that that sort of behaviour belonged in a passive aggressive note that also mentions pooping in the shower (and ass washing in the sink).
Am I… … … gross?
Apr 2, 2009 at 8:16 pm rating: +3
#27
aaa
I actually had the hair thing happen to me, although it was on the stairs, not the sink. I had really shitty, immature, piggish roommates last year. One (roomie #1) of them cut and dyed their own hair. I come into my apartment building one day to find chunks of black hair all up and down the stairwell. Turns out roomie #1 had roomie #2 cut her hair while sitting on the steps out there and didn’t see any reason to clean it up. But they were entitled pig-dicks and seemed to think that they could do no wrong. *sigh* Thank god my roomies this year and nice and clean up after themselves.
Apr 2, 2009 at 8:24 pm rating: +3
#28
Flaboy2425
Well, Mishee, there was a toilet at Vought aircraft plant in Grand Prairie, TX that used to flush with excessive power. Someone had written on the door. “Free ass wash.” You might try there.
Apr 2, 2009 at 11:35 pm rating: +6
#29
shel
Maybe it’s just me, but when reading the note about what “not to do” in the latrine, are they saying please do not defecate in the latrine (which seems strange to me, as I thought that was the purpose of a latrine) and instead people should shit in the shower?
Using the hair trimming point above as an example, I would think the info in the parentheses is the preferable alternative…
I find this latrine very confusing…
Apr 3, 2009 at 12:05 am rating: +4
#30
GhostWriter
No wonder I couldn’t decipher the 1st note- I thought it was written in Aurebesh.
Why? Because the translation just happens to be Obi-Wan Kenobi’s plan for sneaking into the Death Star. As Yoda (arguably the 1st jewish mother) always said, “The Imperial Forces, attack you must- hmmf! ..but an empty stomach? Not on!“
Apr 3, 2009 at 8:54 am rating: +6
#31
heisa
so am i allowed to shit in the sink then?
Apr 3, 2009 at 8:56 am rating: +3
#32
GhostWriter
The thing I hated most about boot camp was when Sarge would call Attention! while I was in the latrine.
Apr 3, 2009 at 9:43 am rating: +2
#33
Isuck
The best thing about shitting in the shower is stomping it through those little holes in the drain.
Apr 3, 2009 at 10:53 am rating: +2
#34
octavius
Emission accomplished.
Apr 3, 2009 at 12:22 pm rating: +1
#35
Stuff Queer People Need To Know
Who defecates in the shower? That is just gross.
Apr 3, 2009 at 12:55 pm rating: 0
#36
RoxyBlue
Maybe the ultimate aim of the message is to stop the dish washers. After reading that list I wouldn’t do my dishes there.
Wash your ass in the sink??!! Apparently the US forces should be investing in some bidets.
Apr 3, 2009 at 1:43 pm rating: +2
#37
fluffy8u
Mommy, the second note scares me…
Apr 3, 2009 at 6:02 pm rating: +1
#38
Sheila
lol – first time visitor, what a great site.
I saw you recommended in an Australian newspaper, (in a list of recommended blogs in The Weekend Australian 04-5/Apr/09). It was in an article ‘A soapbox in cyberspace’ by brian appleyard. You were 1 of 2 featured under ‘comic relief’ – he wasn’t lying.
Apr 3, 2009 at 10:44 pm rating: +2
#39
TheOldSchool
Thanks, Sheila.
I take it then, that Bryan received my cheque.
It’s a pity for him that I put a stop-payment order on it as soon as the printers e-mailed me that the piece was running.
In fairness to Bryan, I’m confident he would have run the promo even without an incentive.
Saving money wasn’t the real reason I stopped the payment; I feel better knowing that yet another Aussie newspaperman can sleep easier with a clean conscience.
First, Murdoch. Now, Appleyard.
It’s the humble beginnings of a tiny PANtheon of well-rested, if not so well-respected, journalists.
“G’night, mates.”
Apr 4, 2009 at 2:44 am rating: +1
#40
dingoatemybaby
So glad The Weekend Australian ran that piece – I had just finished peeing myself over at Cakewrecks so was happy to find this site! Having worked in a few offices, it’s good to see that my old granny had it right when she said “There’s nought so queer as folk.” I just wish I had kept some of the notes over the years! Great site!
Apr 4, 2009 at 8:49 am rating: +1
#41
Bald Outing
man, i don’t ever want to go near that bathroom!
Apr 4, 2009 at 10:19 pm rating: 0
#42
not_an_ola
I’m touched by the note from Tel Aviv, I never thought a PA note from our part of the world would make it out there. Israelis aren’t known for being passive-aggressive, they’re more, you know, aggressive aggressive.
Apr 5, 2009 at 6:34 am rating: +6
#43
Sharon
I love that the U.S. Army had to “translate” what the word “defecate” means in such crude terms for the troops while implying that the only worthwhile facilities were the U.S. ones. “This is a U.S. Forces occupied building and work space. Please do not use it like pile of waste” (i.e. like you treat the outside neighborhood). Maybe they should make up drill chants to help the guys keep it all straight? ” I don’t know but I’ve been told, the toilet seat is mighty cold.” Or at least put up some of those posters they have in pre-school and kindergarten classrooms illustrating how to properly use the bathroom?
Apr 7, 2009 at 11:01 am rating: 0
#44 your a geneous
[...] related: (don’t?) wash your ass in the sink [...]
Jul 10, 2009 at 10:46 am rating: 0
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