Wanna touch the baby?

April 6th, 2009 · 373 comments

“My co-worker had a ‘meet our bundle of joy’ party in a common space of his apartment building,” says our anonymous submitter in New York City, and these notes were peppered throughout the space. ”Not only did I opt out of ‘touching’ their baby, I also passed on digging into the bowl of Ruffles.”

Wanna touch the baby? Please use this on your hands first.

Meanwhile, as Carson in Atlanta points out, someone else has channeled that parental germaphobia into a bona fide business!

wanna touch the baby?

related: this is all about the childern

extra credit: “Maybe You Touched Your Genitals” Liquid Soap

FILED UNDER: "helpful" advice · CAPS LOCK · hygiene · Moms & Dads · New York


373 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Edon

    “Wanna touch the baby?”

    …does that sound vaguely dirty to anyone else?

    Apr 6, 2009 at 12:15 am   rating: 69  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   Scribbles the Monkey bang

      Touch it! Come on, TOUCH IT!

      Apr 6, 2009 at 10:13 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.2   lawrenceofarabia

      I suppose better than Shave the Baby…
      http://www.buzzfeed.com/edithzimmerman/you-can-shave-the-baby-y7

      Apr 6, 2009 at 10:38 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.3   Draco

      The best thing to do would be to sterilize the baby.
      I recommend popping it in a preheated oven at 325℉ with some baby carrots, chopped onions, three garlic cloves minced and new red potatoes. Let “sterilize” for ten minutes per pound and rest for at least ten minutes after you take them out of the oven. Serve with a nice Sangiovese.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 6:33 pm   rating: 53  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.4   The_Great_G

      Johnathan Swift approves Draco’s message and thinks the recipe is fucking delicious

      Apr 6, 2009 at 7:09 pm   rating: 22  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.5   Sirius bang

      May I propose one modest unitard for The Great G?

      Apr 6, 2009 at 7:21 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.6   Beanster bang

      Sirius, I don’t care that GiGi incited the horrendous “F-D”, s/he also alluded to one of the greatest works of satire of all time.

      well done GiGi. well done

      * error, already voted. *

      Apr 6, 2009 at 10:06 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.7   Resident Grammarian esq bang

      BABY! Get in my belly!

      Apr 6, 2009 at 11:49 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.8   KatieMB

      Baby. The Other white meat.

      Apr 7, 2009 at 7:10 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   whOOt

    I didn’t wash my hands before making this comment

    Apr 6, 2009 at 12:15 am   rating: 52  small thumbs up

     
  • #3   Jen

    Gawd, I hate to be the one to do this, but sometimes parents really do need to be careful about handwashing and people touching their kids. As a mom to preemies, it’s really important because you could give my kids RSV and my kids could DIE, like really, actually die. So I will fly my passive aggressive notes in favor of that. I know some parents are just germaphobic freaks, but sometimes they’re just doing what’s necessary to keep their kids safe. We’re not just being a$$holes, I swear. Flame away.

    Apr 6, 2009 at 12:16 am   rating: 84  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   Geek Goddesss

      And it would probably be a good idea to limit the child’s social exposure until their little immune system is somewhat more robust.
      (Hint: Don’t throw a party and invite large numbers of germ carrying people to come and meet your child)

      Apr 6, 2009 at 12:53 am   rating: 175  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.2   Canthz_B bang

      Invest in plastic bubbles…or a new cervix…and stop shoving your babies at people thinking that we all think they’re as cute and precious as you think they are.
      We don’t.
      Get them near me and I’m sneezing on them. Not out of malice, I’m just allergic to preemies.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 1:26 am   rating: 104  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.3   dearjane

      awww geez….you stole my line about plastic bubbles AND sneezing (sigh)

      Apr 6, 2009 at 10:15 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.4   lawrenceofarabia

      wow, you ask for a flame, you get it!

      BUT… so how many of your kids are currently still preemies? When do you stop calling them that? age 17?

      As a medical scientist (AHEM). Normal kids with normal immune systems need germs. Go immune system, go!

      Apr 6, 2009 at 10:42 am   rating: 86  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.5   The T word bang

      I guess the plate of raw chicken tartar finger food was a bad idea then.
      Keep your precious little cargo at home or saran wrapped until they are safe for the real world Jen. Like I would care to touch your door knob sucking, mewling, genetic petri dish of a spawn.
      Did you leave their tails on too?

      Apr 6, 2009 at 11:17 am   rating: 48  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.6   pry

      i’m a parent who is considered germaphobic freak in some circles, so i’ll just agree with you and refrain from my own comments.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 11:22 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.7   mary s

      really if it THAT bad than why would let anyone touch the baby?

      Apr 6, 2009 at 11:39 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.8   Valerie

      If your kids are prone to RSV, then they should be getting a Synagis shot once a month during RSV season. Perhaps instead of griping about people washing their hands so they don’t KILL your BABIES, you should be proactive and protect them yourself.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 3:18 pm   rating: 46  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.9   Sirius bang

      I thought that was for acne.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 3:50 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.10   Dr. T

      It’s actually better to expose your newborn to numerous people within the first 1-2 weeks of birth in order to boost up their immune system. And gee, what did people do before hand sanitizer? Wear sterile gloves during the first month? Get a clue.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 6:02 pm   rating: 30  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.11   jua

      Well, in your case, you wouldn’t be brining your kids around and showing them off to the office either. I think if she’s even deigning to bring the little tyke to the office, she ought to be prepared for a little germ exchange. But I’m sorry…I think the world has gone mad with germ phobias, and thank goodness for all the ants and dirt, and other crap I ate off the sidewalk as a kid. I think I got me some super antibodies rollin’ around in me because of it.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 6:13 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.12   mamason bang

      I think brining your kids is illegal in most states. 8-O

      Apr 6, 2009 at 6:33 pm   rating: 34  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.13   Draco

      I think pickling, unfortunately is also outlawed. :sad: But then again I only play a Medical Scientist Lawyer on TV.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 6:37 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.14   park rose

      Brining them would definitely sterilise them, or get rid of the germs, or something…

      Apr 6, 2009 at 10:00 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.15   voidseraph

      “And gee, what did people do before hand sanitizer? Wear sterile gloves during the first month? Get a clue.”

      Oh Dr. T- i love you.

      Anyone else ever feel like our “advancement” is really just further suffocating us? Anywho. i love babies and i’ll touch ‘em if i want to! Hmph. Plenty of people touched me as a wee thing and i turned out all right! Well, er, mostly…

      Apr 7, 2009 at 7:10 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.16   KatieMB

      Make them a tasty sidedish….

      Apr 7, 2009 at 7:15 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.17   Jesse and the Rippers bang

      My biggest fear as a new parent is turning into one of those mothers that believes everything is going to kill my baby. I would be embarrassed to shove a gallon of hand sanitizer in people’s hands before letting them touch my baby. I am determined that my child will have a healthy tolerance for germs, peanuts, red dye #9 and human contact.

      The first time my kid dug his hands into some dirt and shoved it into his mouth, I looked over at my husband, who said “Dirt don’t hurt.”

      Words to live by.

      Apr 8, 2009 at 6:27 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   Hmmm

    How about people with babies not feeling free to just change a shitty diaper in a public space on any surface they deem handy (like the booth in a restaurant)?!?

    Apr 6, 2009 at 12:17 am   rating: 104  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   Canthz_B bang

      Or breastfeed in public?

      If you didn’t bring enough for everyone…

      Apr 6, 2009 at 2:05 am   rating: 45  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.2   Megan

      There is a world of difference between poop and breastfeeding.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 7:13 am   rating: 80  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.3   aaa

      There’s a world of difference between being serious and joking (on PAN, anyway).

      Apr 6, 2009 at 8:45 am   rating: 26  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.4   aaa

      Gigglebrax fail. D:

      Apr 6, 2009 at 8:51 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.5   The T word bang

      “who me? Oh I am just standing in line to be next for the breast fountain.”

      Apr 6, 2009 at 11:19 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.6   anglophile bang

      So help me god, if you all start a public breast-feeding debate in here, I am going to flounce.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 12:04 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.7   The T word bang

      I am all for breast feeding in public Anglo!
      In fact I solicit donations and lend support to public breasts all the time. :razz:

      Apr 6, 2009 at 12:47 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.8   aaa

      Pssh, and nobody listens to me when I try to start public reproduction debates. I mean, why doesn’t anybody want to believe that we should be birthing puppies instead of baby humans?

      Apr 6, 2009 at 1:46 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.9   mamason bang

      I don’t know nothin’ about birthin’ no puppies.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 2:02 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.10   Goldie

      Birthing puppies sounds like the best idea ever. Think about the new slogans! “Spay or neuter your kids”.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 4:03 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.11   The T word bang

      I still say that if women want to go and whip out their lady berries to give jnr. a snack than let them out sister! In fact if any woman any where wants to let their fun bags fly why should we as a free people vilify and criminalize them? *Battle Hymn of the Republic starts off low in the background and swells*
      From flapjacks to 44 longs we are a free nation! We must not give up on our freedoms. Did John Paul Jones give up in 1917 when Hitler crossed the 35th Parallel? NO~!!!

      Apr 6, 2009 at 4:58 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.12   Tina

      I am not sure why everyone gets so freaked out by the completely natural and beautiful act of breast feeding. This country is still so firmly entrenched in it’s puritan roots and governed by uptight bible belt closet boy fuckers that a woman can’t care for her child as the Goddess intended.
      My life partner and I have allowed all five of our kids to play outside in the dirt and enjoy the gifts of nature. They have had only a small fraction of the colds compared to my sisters stepford kids.
      Dirt = Good
      Breast feeding = Good!

      Apr 6, 2009 at 6:45 pm   rating: 21  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.13   mamason bang

      :-|

      I don’t know why but I really hate Tina and her life partner. :roll:

      Apr 6, 2009 at 6:56 pm   rating: 62  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.14   PassiveUnlessive

      Um, well, Tina, I’m an atheist and I have no problem with womens breasts.

      Unless they’re hanging out in public with a child slurping on them. People get “freaked out” by it because it’s pretty gross to see bloated distended breasts being sucked on by an infant.

      You, your “life partner”, your kids and your “goddess” can do all the naked hippie playing in dirt and breast sucking you like, but don’t get offended when normal people are sort of grossed out by it.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 7:05 pm   rating: 37  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.15   The T word bang

      Tina I am sure those five children are gettin’ some good learnin’ following Phish around in that school bus. :roll:
      Dirty fucking Hippies!

      Apr 6, 2009 at 7:11 pm   rating: 20  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.16   mamason bang

      it’s pretty gross to see bloated distended breasts being sucked on by an infant… ewww

      Full ripe breasts nourishing an infant… yum

      It’s all in your perspective. I thought my breasts were their most beautiful when I was nursing my children. Papa thought so too. *not that he complains now* ;-)

      Apr 6, 2009 at 7:22 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.17   SpoonyDoo

      mamason:
      That’s nice for you. Not so nice for the poor souls you inflicted your titties on.

      Think it’s beautiful all you please, just do it in private.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 7:33 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.18   The T word bang

      I am just saying that if you are going to put it out there then don’t be surprised if I try to cozy up for some milk for my coffee. :razz:

      Apr 6, 2009 at 7:43 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.19   mamason bang

      I never said or even implied that I ever breastfed in public. Personally, I’m far to modest *hung-up* to do that but let me tell you what… they’re real and they’re magnificent and if I ever did whip them out in public, mayhem would ensue, I tell you! Mayhem!

      Timo, how light do you like your coffee?

      Apr 6, 2009 at 7:57 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.20   anglophile bang

      I don’t know why you are disliking Tina, mama, unless you object to apostrophe abuse and neglect, but seriously, this debate never ends well, and if you continue it, I am going to be forced to take drastic measures. You have been warned.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 7:58 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.21   mamason bang

      Got milk?

      Apr 6, 2009 at 8:02 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.22   Rebel

      What’s with all these breast hanging out and flying around? :-o

      Whenever I nursed in public, I just tossed a blankie over my shoulder. People assumed the baby was asleep in my arms – they never guessed she was nursing.

      What’s the big deal? There’s nothing to see.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 8:11 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.23   Geek Goddess

      Of course, then you get your nosy grandmother type who has to lift the blanket to see the baby. (Cuz she isn’t going to waken it, just look!) And you know that she didn’t sanitize her hands first.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 8:39 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.24   aaa

      Well, we all know (but don’t want to admit) that humans are as ugly on the outside as they are on the inside. Really, the only reasonable solution is for all humans is to live in little cubicles on their own and to never come out. But once again, people refuse to listen to my brilliant ideas. *snort*

      Apr 6, 2009 at 8:44 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.25   Rebel

      Yeah well, if nosy grandma lifts my breastfeeding privacy shield (uh, I mean, blankie), then she totally deserves the shock she gets.

      That’ll teach her to go being nosy about other people’s babies. ;-)

      BTW, one of my toddlers used to hit nosy grandmas whenever they got in his face.

      Bwah-ha-ha!

      Apr 6, 2009 at 9:36 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.26   TheOldSchool bang

      When I masturbate in a darkened theatre, I cover myself. It’s the polite thing to do.

      (Especially when I’m watching a G-rated film. There could be kids around. Whatever happened to common fucking sense?)

      Apr 7, 2009 at 3:47 am   rating: 23  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.27   Canthz_B bang

      Tina, making love is also natural and beautiful, but we don’t generally do it in public.

      Team buy a breast-pump.

      Sorry, anglophile, I had no idea this one would grow legs.

      Apr 7, 2009 at 2:53 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.28   Anniee451

      This one will grow legs, sprout double-sets of wings, and engage two-stage rocket engines. Hear that sound? It’s the Internet Hate Machine firing up in the distance. This one is truly best left alone.

      Apr 7, 2009 at 10:03 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.29   Geek Goddesss

      This one is truly best left alone
      *as she pokes it with a stick and stirs it up*

      Apr 8, 2009 at 2:59 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.30   Anniee451

      LOL – nope. It’s spawned national controversies; no thanks. I come here for fun!

      Apr 8, 2009 at 3:01 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.31   Anniee451

      Geek Goddess, see my final suggestion/final solution. #80

      Apr 8, 2009 at 3:08 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   mamason bang

    I was at the pediatricians with my little one and this overly cheerful snot encrusted walking turd of a toddler came toddling over at an alarmingly high rate of speed with the obvious intention of *shudder* touching my precious and properly sanitized one month old bundle of joy. I literally had to force my foot back to the ground, a feat *punny* managed only by my iron will and a strong desire to remain out of prison because my first instinct was to block his approach and my hands were full at the time. So I would say to all you parents of babies and small children… don’t flatter yourself. Why not dip that nasty little booger sausage you call a child into a bathtub every now and then and then maybe I’ll consider actually touching it. kthx

    Apr 6, 2009 at 12:35 am   rating: 79  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   Megan

      Soon your little one will be a booger sausage…

      Apr 6, 2009 at 7:12 am   rating: 25  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.2   bigrederin

      You know, your precious little bundle is going to be a walking, talking, germ carrying little crotchfruit in about 2 years. Or it’s going to be like those freaky kids who are allergic to everything because they have no immune system because you’ve kept the sprog sterile.

      Just pointing out the irony.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 10:20 am   rating: 41  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.3   mamason bang

      My little one is now 6 y.o. and has never been a booger sausage because he bathes regularly. He’s never had an antibiotic in his life and he’s been sick maybe twice. We love the great outdoors and one of our family motto’s is, “God made dirt and dirt don’t hurt.” I wouldn’t want to examine that statement grammatically but I believe the point is well made. I was talking about those poor little children whose parents don’t care enough to chisel off the 3 or 4 days worth of snot and the other various forms of debris that stick to that snot. You know what I’m talking about. We’ve all seen them. One of those poor kids that could easily do one of those tear jerking Unicef ads, if only their parents would clean them up a little first.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 1:14 pm   rating: 31  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.4   Monkey Speaks

      Right ON mama –

      Im no parent but I can definitely tell you, I know many younguns that are NOT snot rockets and I stay away from those who are.

      Man invented tissues for a reason!

      Apr 6, 2009 at 3:55 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.5   Canthz_B bang

      I agree mamason, people should keep their little petri dish, bacteria culture kids away from other people’s children.
      A good look at the other kids in the day-care is a good idea before dropping your own off for the day.

      Before Megan and bigrederin open their big traps, let me say that my children are all grown up, and never spent a day as snot sausages.

      Apr 7, 2009 at 3:03 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   Miss Lynx

    I can see being careful about germs with a newborn, whose immune system hasn’t fully developed yet, especially if the baby was premature as in Jen’s comment.

    But… once the kid hits the crawling stage, which the one in the second pic certainly looks old enough to be at, they are going to be eating dirt and rug fuzz by the handful at every opportunity, so the germphobe thing is kind of a lost cause at that point.

    Apr 6, 2009 at 12:36 am   rating: 39  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   Upstater

      Only if you unstrap them from that chair, which the mom never intends to do.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 7:24 am   rating: 30  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.2   Dr. T

      Nah, you’re supposed to expose them early on to get that immune system nice and strong. Most good doctors will tell you that. Three kids later and I am glad we listened to that (along with the breast-feeding (not in public though) and the healthy diet, of course). I feed my kids dirt sandwiches sometimes if I think they’re getting sick, too. (ok that one was a joke)

      Apr 6, 2009 at 6:06 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #7   Lisa

    How did any of us survive?

    But OK, though the signs are a bit much, I’m going to defend the mom here. You should always wash your hands before touching a baby.

    The hand sanitizer, however, is actually not a good substitute and you shouldn’t touch a baby’s hands after you have used it. It’s bad for their digestive system and burns the hell out of their eyes. On a sidenote, teenagers also ingest it to get drunk. I won’t allow it in my classroom for that reason.

    Apr 6, 2009 at 12:42 am   rating: 20  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   Forginess

      Thanks for the tip. Being a teenager, I’ll have to try that sometime.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 1:14 am   rating: 70  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.2   mamason bang

      Just remember not to pour it in your eyes.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 1:41 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.3   Canthz_B bang

      You should sanitize your hands with mother’s milk and Visine.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 1:47 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.4   Lisa

      I’m not buying this as typically it’s the adults who are the last to know these things (it was a student who shared the aforementioned info with me). But on the off chance that you aren’t just kidding…
      I wouldn’t recommend it, Forginess. It could make you very ill and possibly kill you.

      Congratulations on the thumbs up though. That must have made your night. :)

      Apr 6, 2009 at 1:47 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.5   Canthz_B bang

      Yeah, because teens who want to get drunk don’t get older people to buy them real booze, or hit the liquor cabinet at home, they sit in class and sip Purell.
      By keeping the hands in your classroom full of cold virus, you’ve saved a generation of children.

      We all owe you so much, Lisa.

      Wanna concentrate on teaching now?

      Apr 6, 2009 at 1:57 am   rating: 48  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.6   matt bang

      haha, my manager has the same signs up at work even the exact same hand stencil, only the colour is green not pink.

      There is no problem using the alcohol rub if you let it dry first, I use the same gel on my hospital ward and haven’t received any complaints from anyone of any age about it. It kills 99% of pathalogic bacteria if you believe the research – that’s cleaner than a surgical scrub (76%)

      Ingesting it to get drunk? It’s like 70%, you’d have to dilute it alot to avoid mouth burns..

      Apr 6, 2009 at 8:04 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.7   GhostWriter bang

      You don’t drink it- you take it anally.

      We used to sneak into our bus driver’s bedroom, dose him, and get a day off school.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 8:52 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.8   aaa

      That’s why you don’t drink it, matt. If you’re really strapped for cash, you drink mouthwash. The refreshing minty tingle is an added bonus.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 8:58 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.9   Lisa

      Oh Canthz B, my classroom has its own bathroom with a sink and liquid soap. I keep some Purell in my desk drawer and use it myself, but I don’t leave it out in the open. The point isn’t about keeping kids from getting drunk, it is that it is dangerous to consume. As Matt said, they can get mouth burns. See, I work in a BDD classroom with kids who actually DO drink Purell (which is how I discovered this in the first place) as well as mouthwash and everything else they can get their hands on. For BEH teachers, having concern for this type of thing is all part of the job. Not that it matters, just thought I’d explain myself.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 10:40 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.10   matt bang

      GW: Dose the busdriver? you don’t think he/she might wake up or at least notice that they were receiving an alcohol rub fisting – that’d have to burn! I guess it could work it they were paraplegic from the waist down, but then getting into and driving the bus would be an issue.

      Here in oz, us street bums like to drink meth spirits. It gets you drunk a lot faster but also permanantly kills off your eyesight pretty quick.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 11:18 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.11   The T word bang

      I like my purell to be cellared for at least three years, then it has a nice piquant bouquet.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 1:23 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.12   aaa

      What, like it’s not piquant enough already?

      Apr 6, 2009 at 1:54 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.13   TheOldSchool bang

      Back when I was a teen, we wouldn’t have dreamt of ingesting sanitation products for the purposes of getting intoxicated.

      For us, it was either Aqua Velva w/ Seven Up,
      or Tang infused with Bulgarian Rubbing Alcohol.

      Quaaludes and cocaine only added to our joie de la vie, et de avoir le sexe crépu l’en public.

      Apr 7, 2009 at 6:42 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #8   mamason bang

    Wanna touch the baby?

    …use this on your hands first.

    Well, ok but I wasn’t going to use my hands so I don’t see the point.

    Apr 6, 2009 at 12:43 am   rating: 97  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   hibousoir

      A-ha ha! Oh man, that’s the funniest damn thing I’ve read all day. Awesome.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 1:23 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #9   BDAYGURL

    Puh-lease! That baby probably has more germs than an adult. Who knows what cracks and crevices that kids put his hands! Nose, ear, belly button… the diaper! Yuck. Children are carrier monkeys of disease.

    /half-kidding

    Apr 6, 2009 at 12:44 am   rating: 29  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   mamason bang

      I agree. The hand sanitizer should be offered after touching the baby. Babies leak!

      Apr 6, 2009 at 12:50 am   rating: 44  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.2   The T word bang

      Thus they are spewing Mount Etna’s of fecal mists!
      Babies should be kept in glove boxes until they are at least 5.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 12:50 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.3   DearJane

      Oh no, at 5 they start walking around with chocolate / icecream / bubble gum all over their hands. Get a bigger container and leave them until they’re 10 or so..

      Apr 6, 2009 at 2:08 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #10   Cat Skyfire

    In all honesty, I don’t WANT to touch them. And for those children who seem to want to come and touch me…I want them to use the sanitizer first.

    Apr 6, 2009 at 12:59 am   rating: 62  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   eddy

      Cat Skyfire = my hero.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 6:11 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.2   Monkey Speaks

      You mean you don’t love when parents shove children into your arms?

      I though everyone loved getting someone elses baby snot all over their new shirts.

      I also love
      a) watching children stick their hands in food I was planning on eating (note to parents, please don’t raise your kids up to the buffet… i prefer not catching their colds or eating their snot)
      b) interupt conversations so i can watch the kid do the hokey pokey for the tenth time. congrats, your kid learned how to clap.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 4:01 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.3   Cat Skyfire

      Someone once commented about how dirty pets could be. They said this as I watched their offspring shove their hand down their pants, then into their mouth, then onto the table and into the food.

      I’ll stick with my cat.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 7:22 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #11   Canthz_B bang

    Why should I be clean just because they did the nasty?

    Apr 6, 2009 at 1:20 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

     
  • #12   Canthz_B bang

    Please include lab report with your RSVP. There will be a Lysol shower at the door, and remember… this is a BYOCS (bring your own clean-suit) affair.
    Thank you, and don’t forget to bring a gift.

    Apr 6, 2009 at 1:34 am   rating: 17  small thumbs up

     
  • #13   Canthz_B bang

    I think it’s safe to say that we know of someone who had sex in the shower.

    Apr 6, 2009 at 1:38 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   cucumber

      No, a bathtub full of purell

      Apr 6, 2009 at 1:47 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.2   mamason bang

      Now that burns!

      Apr 6, 2009 at 1:49 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #14   Regina

    I really hope those kids grow up to be mud-wrestlers. Or garbage-men. Or something else ironic and hyphenated.

    Apr 6, 2009 at 1:39 am   rating: 28  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   Canthz_B bang

      Naw, they’ll grow up to be allergic-to-everythings because they weren’t exposed to anything when they were babies.
      The immune system needs to be exposed, not protected.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 1:43 am   rating: 28  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.2   mamason bang

      Is that what you told the judge? That you were only trying to expose your immune system. ;-)

      Apr 6, 2009 at 1:48 am   rating: 16  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.3   Canthz_B bang

      Ya gotta admit…that was a nice trench coat!! :-P

      Apr 6, 2009 at 2:02 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.4   Monkey Speaks

      Is that why dumpster babies have a better immunity?

      We were planning on just using the puppy crate as the play-pen.

      We’re saving money and preventing parvo at the same time!

      Apr 6, 2009 at 4:02 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #15   mamason bang

    Daddy: But honey, everyone wants to see the baby.

    Mommy: I don’t care! I don’t want a bunch of low lifes coming into my home and sitting on my furniture… What if they tried to use the bathroom, for fucks sake? *starts sobbing*

    Daddy: OK… we’ll invite folks to the lobby, throw that stale bag of Ruffles into a bowl and you can walk the baby through, real quick like.

    Mommy: What if someone tries to touch him?

    Daddy: I’ll put out the hand sanitizer… with a note. That way they’ll know we really mean it. OK, honey?

    Mommy: Ok. Thanks Terry. *sniff*

    Apr 6, 2009 at 2:06 am   rating: 48  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   Grimfool_Reluctant bang

      Mommy: Oh, and Terry?

      Daddy: Yes, dear?

      Mommy: Be sure to use all caps on the note.

      Daddy: Yes, dear.

      Mommy: And, Terry?

      Daddy: Uh . . . yeah, um, sweetie?

      Mommy: Don’t use exclamation points, because that looks too P/A.

      Daddy: Oh. Okay.

      Mommy: And Terry?

      Daddy: Umm … hmmm?

      Mommy: Say “wanna” instead of “do you want to” because that sounds friendly.

      Daddy: Um.

      Mommy: And, Terry?

      Daddy: What.

      Mommy: Make sure you stomp the shit out of those fucking Ruffles before you put them into the cheapest goddamn bowl we have.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 2:25 am   rating: 91  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.2   Beanster bang

      Mommy: Are you using comic sans?

      Apr 6, 2009 at 10:18 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.3   Anniee451

      Mama, grimfool, beanster – Bwahaha! Well done.

      Apr 7, 2009 at 10:17 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #16   oh really

    Unless the baby is a preemie or has a health situation, I think normal, healthy adults holding the baby are fine, and the Purell is not a great idea, for reasons already mentioned. I’d say if you’re that overly concerned about your guests being inconsiderate enough to massage germs into your baby’s skin, and your baby is in an extra-vulnerable state, don’t throw a big old “come meet the baby (and give us gifts!)” party. Because when people come meet the baby, a lot of the time, they’re going to expect to get to hold the baby.

    Also, yeah, “Want to touch the baby?” sounds very, um, wrong.

    Apr 6, 2009 at 2:10 am   rating: 29  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   Geek Goddess

      Gosh darn it, I wish I had come up with the idea of suggesting the worried parents not throw a ‘meet the baby’ party!
      (Hint: post 3.1)

      Apr 6, 2009 at 5:25 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.2   Anniee451

      I really don’t think it’s a lot to ask. Considering it’s probably an overreaction to begin with, though, perhaps just leaving some bottles of the stuff around would suffice without the stupid notes. I’m sure more people would rather have a little bottle of Purell than those raunchy Ruffle chips.

      Dr. T. – while it may be best to expose babies to some germs, and while it might seem the anti-germ hysteria came with hand sanitizer, that’s far from the case. A mother’s typical day during the earlier-mid 20th century consisted of endless rounds of boiling, boiling BOILING FUCKINGBOILING shit – the clothes, the diapers, the milk, the bottles, the utensils used to scoop the sugar into the milk, the utensils used to wash the utensils used to scoop the sugar into the milk, the measuring cups that measured the milk, the spoons you used to stir the cereal while you boiled it for 45 minutes over a double boiler, the rubber sheets, the cloth sheets, the blankets, the pillows, the bedding, the mattress – boil boil boil-de-fucking-boil all da damn night and day. No wonder they used laudanum to shut the kids up. And yes, for the first few weeks in the hospital or by a visiting baby nurse, or visitors, you could expect rubber gloves and surgical masks , hats and booties. I think a little hand sanitizer? Just isn’t a lot to freaking ask.

      In James Lilek’s “Mommy Knows Worst” there is even a picture of a bib reading “Do Not Kiss Me” heh. Because, you know, GERMS lol.

      Apr 7, 2009 at 10:27 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #17   Anna

    whatever happened to letting your kid get sick every once in a while? god forbid they grow up with any kind of immunities…

    Apr 6, 2009 at 2:10 am   rating: 17  small thumbs up

     
  • #18   Canthz_B bang

    Purell? Bah!
    Camel piss was good enough for the Magi, so it’s good enough for me!

    Apr 6, 2009 at 2:26 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   park rose

      Frankincensely speaking, I think you’ve got a point ;)

      Apr 6, 2009 at 2:39 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.2   Grimfool_Reluctant bang

      Ah, myrrh-th!

      Apr 6, 2009 at 2:40 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.3   park rose bang

      I was hoping someone would play on that. Of course there are some myrrh-murs that it was all a myth.

      Magis in muumuus… (that is apropos of nothing).

      Apr 6, 2009 at 2:46 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.4   Resident Grammarian Esq.

      Oh these puns are just golden.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 9:56 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.5   The T word bang

      Rose you make me myrrh. :grin:

      Apr 6, 2009 at 12:53 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #19   lownote

    It’s notes like that that make me despair of my fellow parents, if you are worried about germs, don’t have kids!

    Apr 6, 2009 at 2:29 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

     
  • #20   Grimfool_Reluctant bang

    What would be really P/A would be if the contributor had stolen the bottle of Purell and replaced with, oh, I don’t know — a pitchfork?

    Apr 6, 2009 at 2:44 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #20.1   Draco

      I was thinking of Barbecue sauce instead.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 6:51 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.2   Sirius bang

      Chili-i-i-i-i-i’s baby back ribs –

      Apr 6, 2009 at 7:26 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #21   Canthz_B bang

    This is the kid that, in seven years, will be in the back seat of the car screaming, “Will you stop touching me?!”…pretty normal stuff, but weird when there are no siblings back there with him.

    Apr 6, 2009 at 3:16 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

    • #21.1   mamason bang

      No siblings perhaps but grandpa can be pretty hands-on.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 3:34 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #22   TheOldSchool bang

    If teenage boys had boobs and could get pregnant, I’ll bet we would see far fewer signs like the ones above.

    Then again, anarchy would break out around the globe, as these young “momboys” waged epic street battles, using their swollen tits as squirt guns for shooting their breast milk at one another.

    So, Your Boy Is Pregnant:
    (Some Frank Advice For Parents Who Are Soon To Be Grandparents)

    You love your son. Sure, he’s been a fuck-up since the day he was born, but at least he’s big and fat and stupid.

    Now that your son is about to become a momboy, you are slightly worried he’ll be tempted to neglect his baby while he frolics in the streets with his fellow momboys, squirting like there’s no tomorrow.

    Naturally, you want to think that even if he gets into the occasional tittie-milk-squirting scuffle (and you know he will, because, after all, pregnant or not, he’s still a boy) your son will be smart enough to keep some of his breast milk squirting ammo “in reserve,” so he can feed his baby when he returns home from the front.

    Yeah, right. C’mon, get real! Seriously.

    He may be a mom, but he’s still a boy!

    Do you honestly believe that your pregnant son is going to (all of a sudden!) start magically thinking like an adult, just because he’s now with child?

    Face it, your boy is still the same fat, lazy half-wit he’s always been. Just because some horny bitch was drunk enough to stumble into his bedroom, and too drunk to stumble back out of it, doesn’t mean that your kid’s brain has been improved.

    His intellectual bandwidth rating remains where it has always been — perched halfway between the mind of a mildly-retarded gerbil and that of an extremely slow-witted hamster.

    He’s a teenaged boy!

    Since your lad is both chubby and tubby, he’s in double-danger of being recruited into one of the drive-by tit-squeezer gangs.

    A “husky” and “larger-sized” lad is always highly sought after by gangs because of the awesome firepower the he carries within the Ultra-Big-Gulp-Sized confines of his Sag Harbor “Hoist-Em-Up Bra.

    It’s sad, but these gangs don’t care about your son, they only want him for his SUPER-SOAKERS.

    Here’s some important advice I give to all parents:

    If your son is pregnant, congratulations, but whatever you do, don’t let him hold a baby shower!

    Especially if he’s a chunky lad!

    Usually, at this point, the lad’s parents will stop me and start in with the moaning and the hand-wringing: “But he loves getting the presents….for the baby.”

    I calmly look the parents in the eyes, and then matter-of-factly reply:

    “Look, Mr. and Mrs. Soandso,

    “You’ve already fucked up once, by letting your son get knocked up by a two-bit tramp, don’t compound your mistake by letting him have a baby shower.

    “If you do, he’ll get sucked into one of the gangs, where, once they get feast their eyes on his gleefully glowing globes of glistening globular glands they’ll pray they never get glaucoma.

    “They’ll milk him dry as the farmer’s wife’s ancient udder-purse.

    “There’ll be no milk for the baby….

    “No milk for the Joads…..

    “The only sound we’ll ever know again is the sound of six billion human voices a’weepin’ and a’wailin’ as they stumble along our lactated and saturated, sour-smelling sidewalks, crying over all that spilled and squirted milk.

    “Mamas , don’t let your boys grow up to have baby showers.

    If he’s with child, and wants to go blow off some milk streams, by all means, let him. Boys will be boys. He can have fun and still be a good mom.

    P.S. Do remember to remind him that after he’s had a baby, that doesn’t mean he can’t get pregnant again. In fact, now he’s even more desireable to the girls — because now he is a
    MILF.

    Apr 6, 2009 at 3:39 am   rating: 24  small thumbs up

    • #22.1   tinkerbell2

      if this is how you think when you’re awake, I wouldn’t want to be lost in your subconscious at night.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 7:56 am   rating: 25  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.2   GhostWriter bang

      Wait, how do the momboys give birth again?

      Apr 6, 2009 at 8:46 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.3   TheMiki

      “Just because some horny bitch was drunk enough to stumble into his bedroom, and too drunk to stumble back out of it…”

      I have had nights like that, but I’ve never been able to explain them quite so eloquently.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 4:35 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.4   TheOldSchool bang

      GW,

      While there are a few masochistic goth boys, and the occasional macho dimwit with “something to prove,” who choose to have the baby delivered “the natural way,” through the urethra (witnesses say it akin to watching a python swallowing a pig, in reverse), the vast majority of lads opt for massive amounts of drugs and a caesarian section delivery performed by a team of highly qualified doctors, most of whom are mommen, themselves.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 4:53 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #23   dingoatemybaby bang

    I’m betting this is their first child…

    Apr 6, 2009 at 3:49 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #23.1   Bernd das Brot

      I’m with you. I used to be paranoid like this. Now, I don’t even interfere when my child eats food off the floor at the train station.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 9:15 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.2   Girl Friday

      I don’t buy gum anymore. I tell my kids to just scrape it off the floor. Most of the time it still has it’s own flavor.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 7:12 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.3   Monkey Speaks

      Or its own SPECIAL flavor :D

      Apr 6, 2009 at 7:58 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #24   dsny

    Ugh, children are dirtier than adults ktnx. How about them using some sanitizer before groping at strangers in public.

    Apr 6, 2009 at 4:23 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #25   Griffen P.

    Lolz@ this thread!! LMAOROFL!

    Apr 6, 2009 at 5:35 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #26   KT8711

    Okay, I understand that parents don’t want their kids to get sick, because this recent germaphobic phenomenon is simply pathetic. If you are constantly using Purell around your children, they simply aren’t going to develop the antibodies they’ll need later in life. Other than sheer curiosity, the biological need to develop antibodies is why babies are constantly putting things in their mouths. They need to be exposed to germs.

    My brother and his wife were constantly using Purell around my niece and nephew when they were very small. Now that the kids have entered school, it seems like they get sick every 5 minutes. Coincidence? I think not.

    It’s going to be really interesting to see how just how allergic-y and sensitive this generation of children born to obsessive helicopter parents will be. Every generation just seems to get softer and softer.

    Apr 6, 2009 at 6:07 am   rating: 21  small thumbs up

    • #26.1   JD

      Amen to that….our bodies NEED to get dirty occasionally. (And not just in THAT way….sheesh)

      Apr 6, 2009 at 7:17 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.2   aaa

      Dude, my dad has a compromised immune system and he doesn’t even use Purell (although he does wash his hands all the time [without antibacterial soap]).

      Apr 6, 2009 at 8:54 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.3   Jeremy

      Somehow I managed to survive and become a healthy adult while only following two cardinal rules regarding sanitary behavior: Shower every other day, and wash my hands after using the bathroom. There wasn’t a bottle of hand sanitizer or anti-bacterial anything to be found in our house, we didn’t throw away food when it hit the floor, and our parents never flipped out when relatives gave us hugs.

      How the hell can kids even build immunity in this day and age? I’m sorry to say, but if your child who would have otherwise grown up to be a healthy adult ends up falling victim to every little bug that goes around, you can blame yourself and other Purrell slinging idiots for the problem.

      Oh, and stop breeding. It’s disgusting.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 1:44 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #27   thrall38

    Maybe the sign should have read, “Wanna touch the baby? Get your own.”

    Apr 6, 2009 at 7:54 am   rating: 31  small thumbs up

    • #27.1   clean and healthy

      That’d be a good compromise. Another fair, albeit far less erudite solution may have been: “Wanna stay up all night and day and night and day with a sick, screaming, feverish child who can’t be consoled or comforted, period-no-matter-what-end-of-subject? Yes, you do? Good – have your own and don’t practice basic sanitation with HIM. No, you don’t? Okay. Then don’t touch mine.”

      As a parent of a soon-to-turn-1 year old (who’s rarely sick because, you know..basic cleanliness), I used the pink sign religiously the first few months. If you’re too inconsiderate to practice hygiene, you’re probably not the type of person I want my child learning from or emulating – so the sign served its purpose on every level.

      Apr 18, 2009 at 11:29 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #28   Amanda

    I think they must have seen the ep of House, where all the babies were dying because some crazy old lady kept wiping her nose on their teddy bears. There’s a lot more to it, but that’s the gist.

    Apr 6, 2009 at 8:14 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #28.1   agatha christie

      Ugh, I was hoping that House would beat that old lady over the head with his cane for inconveniencing his day-to-day.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 7:21 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #29   GhostWriter bang

    (1) Squirt Purell between thumb and forefinger
    (2) Grab chips with same hand
    (3) Pick up Skoal juice cup with other hand

    …then, in one quick motion, chug the Skoal juice, snort the Purell, and mash the chips into your mouth.

    What, you’ve never done a BabyShot?

    Apr 6, 2009 at 8:41 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

     
  • #30   aaa

    Well, I wasn’t planning on touching the baby. I’m sorry that you dropped him, but I still wasn’t planning on touching the baby when you shoved him in my face.

    Apr 6, 2009 at 8:52 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #31   The Style PA

    I hate to disappoint you, but I wouldn’t put my hands anywhere near your ugly baby.

    Apr 6, 2009 at 8:53 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #32   claw71 bang

    I’mm wash my hands if that’s what you want, but it was not my hands with which I was going to touch your baby.

    Apr 6, 2009 at 9:08 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #32.1   Goldie

      You saw the sign, Claw. It still applies to you. “Please wash yours before touching mine”.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 12:52 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #32.2   mamason bang

      Claw, I couldn’t have said it better myself. ;-)

      Oh, wait… I did say it better myself! :lol:

      Apr 6, 2009 at 1:23 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #33   Bernd das Brot

    Deng! What a great business idea. These things must be flying off the shelf. This is even better than my “100% fat free bottled water” idea. Why didn’t I think of this first?

    Apr 6, 2009 at 9:09 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #34   J

    OK, so being completely honest I didn’t let people touch my kid. I also didn’t thrust her in their faces. There was no “Meet the new bundle of joy” bullshit. And when random strangers tried to touch her, I threatened to rip their arms off and then use aforementioned arms to beat them to death with. I think it was all very healthy!

    Apr 6, 2009 at 9:34 am   rating: 18  small thumbs up

    • #34.1   Julie

      That sounds more like a “please respect my personal space” situation than an “OMG GERMS” situation. I can respect that.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 10:16 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #34.2   oi!

      parents like J, I hate them. They think e’body in the damn world have just one mission: to kill their preciouses. huh?! Nobody gives damn about your stupid baby.
      on the other day I was in grocery store, and a cute baby was smiling/waving at me, so I waved hi at him. Keep in my did not touch him. I saw mom looking at me like I am waving live fire cracker in front him. when I passed them I overheard dad saying but the baby was smiling at her in small voice. Apparently mom was scolding dad for not taking care of baby! what a freak!

      Apr 6, 2009 at 12:53 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

       
    • #34.3   mamason bang

      oi, I’ll bet you’re hot and the mom at the store was mad at hubby for seeing you. And I said seeing because it probably wasn’t even like he was looking at you, ya know.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 1:30 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #34.4   oi!

      hmm mamson, we do have met before. ;)
      on serious note, that can be case as mom looked furious for no apparent reason.
      btw I love yours and claw’s comments.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 2:02 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #34.5   mamason bang

      Thanks, oi. That’s so nice of you to say. :-)

      And I must add that I totally understand where J is coming from. I’ve had people totally overstep their bounds and come in way too close just because I’m holding a baby. I had no problem telling someone to back the fuck off before I beat you death with this infant. Granted, it was their child…

      Just an aside… prison food is not that bad.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 2:30 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #34.6   J

      oi! I was talking about people touching my baby without permission. I also got pissed when complete strangers tried to touch my pregnant belly, but I guess invading the space of others is fine with you. Well you can have your opinion, it doesn’t make me change mine, thanks for sharing though! Also, I need my sanity so please for the love of all that is holy look at your post next time… there is a preview, and edit button use them wisely.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 3:46 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #34.7   J

      Thanks for understanding mamason, I knew I wasn’t the only one.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 3:54 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #34.8   oi!

      to Mamason: aha prison! certainly better than homeless center.
      good character development prison to politics. never remember you to be this diplomatic!

      Apr 6, 2009 at 4:43 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #34.9   mamason bang

      to oi: aha compliment? certainly better than flaming chopstick in eye. never remember you no more forever. gimme back my cat. (~\/~)

      Apr 7, 2009 at 12:03 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #34.10   oi!

      oh I love that cat. Please don’t take the cat(* emphasizing cat*) back…….

      Apr 7, 2009 at 1:03 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #34.11   Ravenlynne

      That’s how I was, J. I didn’t thrust my kids at anyone, I respect that not all people want to touch my kids..Hell, the only kids I really like are my own. I didn’t care for people touching mine, but didn’t freak out about it usually. You can’t always keep them cloistered, however. There will come a time when you have to go out for milk and take the baby, and there will be that phlegmy old bat who just has to touch your kid. WTF is that? Keep your damn hands to yourself, weren’t you ever taught that? I wouldn’t post a note, though. I’d just stand there and scowl impotently.

      Apr 9, 2009 at 1:35 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #35   Gunderson105

    So the kid dies, big deal.
    Just make another one, they all look the same at that age anyway. Who would know? Plus, if you play it right, you’d have 2 tax write-offs, with the expenses of only having one kid.

    Apr 6, 2009 at 9:39 am   rating: 19  small thumbs up

     
  • #36   alouette

    I just don’t understand how people can really think that everybody gives a damn about their child. I’m all for kids, in fact I’m 3 months away from having my own, but jesus people, I don’t like your children.

    And babies are just the beginning, once the kids get a little older they get even worse, because their never think to tell them sit down and shut up when they are in public. There are very few things as grating on my nerves than eating a restaurant and having to listen to your child misbehave. I didn’t act like that as a kid, and I refuse to believe that if my parents could raise a happy, well behaved child, so can everyone else.

    Apr 6, 2009 at 9:42 am   rating: 17  small thumbs up

    • #36.1   aaa

      I think one of the best behaved children I ever saw in public was the 7-year-old who was in the theater when I went to see Watchmen. Maybe the kid was confused into silence by all the sex and gore. Either way, that kid was quiet.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 1:49 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #36.2   not me!

      Can’t agree with you enough, alouette. Even better is when the lovely parents hand the toddler a spoon so they can play drums on the table in lieu of interrupting parents’ precious cell phone conversation.

      It’s parents’ responsibility to teach their kids manners and every time I go to a restaurant I steer as far from the kiddies as possible. Places should start having children’s sections, separate from those who would like a peaceful meal.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 6:14 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #37   Heroin

    I never cared about people I know touching my baby, sanitized hands or not, but strangers will try to touch random babies at grocery stores all the time.

    The old lady in line behind me once actually tried to pick my son up while I was putting my stuff on the conveyor. It didn’t bug me that she was giving germs to him with her dirty, old lady hands, so much as, holy crap, have some boundries.

    Another time an old lady tried to give my 6 month old a raisin. It’s always old ladies.

    Apr 6, 2009 at 10:08 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #37.1   mamason bang

      I’ll bet the old lady with the “raisin” had pet rabbits.

      Fool me once, grandma. Fool me once…

      Apr 6, 2009 at 1:32 pm   rating: 19  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #38   aloria

    If you’re so concerned about germs touching your precious wittle babeh, then maybe you shouldn’t have a “hey look we had unprotected sex this is what happened” ego stroke party.

    Just an idea.

    Apr 6, 2009 at 10:12 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

     
  • #39   Angela

    I don’t see anything wrong with the note. People who visit the home of a new baby always want to touch the babies hand or hold it. Wash your hands and/or use hand sanitizer. A newborns immune system is not that strong and a fever for a newborn means an automatic stay in the hospital. I don’t know why a parent would want a bunch of people in their home with a newborn. The party was a bad idea!

    When my kid was first born strangers were always poking their head into her stroller trying to touch her with their unwashed hands. It’s not sanitary and I didn’t know these people. I started screaming “don’t touch” for people to get the hint. Sure they thought I was rude but no more rude than I thought they were for trying to touch a strangers baby.

    Apr 6, 2009 at 10:52 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #39.1   claw71 bang

      While I agree that complete strangers should back thed hell off, the notes make me want to punt the damed baby. How’s that for rude?

      Medical research has proven that the recent trend of santizing everything is resulting in weaker immune systems anyway. So it’s probably not a bad idea to let ol’ flattop hold your baby in his arm chair. You can feel his disease.

      I don’t hold babies. 9 times out of 10 they’re sporting a dirty diaper and if they aren’t that’s only because they’re fixing to yark on you. I don’t know about you, but when some joker at the bar barfs on my shoulder I punch him in the beak. Why do babies get a free pass? If you’re old enough to ruin my shirt, you’re old enough to get beat down.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 11:05 am   rating: 34  small thumbs up

       
    • #39.2   matt bang

      lol. I suspect the DCPS may have something to say on that one..

      Apr 6, 2009 at 11:27 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #39.3   bored

      I am all for smiling or waving at babies. but that is about it. Touching(it does sound dirty, literally and figuratively ) big no no.
      You oblige to pretend their baby is cute and in turn they patronize you. yeah right!
      newbie parents behave like by procreating, they conquer the world or something. Newsflash for them: A single cell amoeba too does that.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 6:17 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #39.4   Dr. T

      You’re just dumb. I’ll bet you believe everything you read. Eat any Trans Fat lately?

      Apr 6, 2009 at 6:17 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #39.5   bored

      You lost the bet. I do not believe you are real doctor as I read it.
      if you care to read the whole comment you would know I am not siding with note posters here. I was raised in such a big family only time I would be with my mom was night.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 7:04 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #39.6   Poker in the rear

      I’m only with your mom at night too.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 8:30 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #39.7   gargggg

      why must you use poor grammar? i get that if you grew up in a different country, you would confuse where to put the verb/noun/adjective, but we’re in america, the language is english… please learn how to make a sentence make sense without me having to put extra effort into it.

      <3 ya much

      Apr 6, 2009 at 8:47 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #39.8   anglophile bang

      Dear gargggg,

      I would like to call to your attention a few not insignificant points.

      First, while you may be in America, and I may be in America, that does not mean that everyone who reads or comments on this blog is in America, or even speak English as a first language. It may interest you to know that people in other countries besides America have the Internet, too.

      Second, I submit to you for your consideration, that one who would go about criticizing other people’s language and grammar would do well to actually construct one’s criticism in complete, properly-punctuated and -capitalized sentences or else risk being perceived as an insufferable buffoon.

      Third, while it is true a culture of snark prevails on this website and users frequently insult other users’ command of written language and general intelligence, it is also an unwritten rule that such posts should be attempted with at least a modicum of wit.

      Your attention to these details will, I believe, greatly enhance your and others’ enjoyment of this site.

      Yours most sincerely (and ♥ ya much),

      anglophile

      Apr 6, 2009 at 9:04 pm   rating: 21  small thumbs up

       
    • #39.9   Rebel

      Tabarouette!

      Lots of people speak English. Even as their first language. That doesn’t make us Americans.

      Some of us even know how to punctuate.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 9:30 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #39.10   Beanster bang

      I love being foreign and speaking English. Although I speak the Queen’s English and use lots of “u”s. Ahh, colonization.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 10:55 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #39.11   tapeworm

      We are in your colon speaking your engrish.

      Apr 7, 2009 at 9:31 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #39.12   KatieMB

      Tapeworm, that is genius!

      Apr 7, 2009 at 7:37 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #39.13   bored

      ahh such an ardent talk about grammar and Sirius is no where in sight? would somebody call 911?
      on the second thought probably because he is just Mr. spell checker?

      Apr 10, 2009 at 1:05 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #40   JustSaying

    I know this doesn’t fit the bill for everyone, but I have several friends who use this sign because their child has a neuromuscular disorder that affects their lungs, and even the common cold could put them in the hospital or kill them. That is just one issue-there are also immune disorders, etc. You can’t keep them in a bubble in their house, but people are NOT courteous about not touching babies/children. Sometimes it isn’t passive/aggressive to ask people not to touch, sometimes it really is important. And sometimes people are just overprotective ninnies.

    Apr 6, 2009 at 11:24 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #40.1   im just not that into you

      how the hell do you have SEVERAL friends with neuromuscular disorders when i’ve never even heard of it?

      what are you doing to them??

      clean hands or not dont touch me or my baby. i tell ppl if you want to touch someone then touch your dam self. skin is skin. touch your own.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 3:04 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #40.2   parent

      Thank you! I’m reminding myself that people who have an issue with this are people who don’t have babies – or haven’t for many years.

      Apr 18, 2009 at 11:38 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #40.3   Anniee451

      I can’t imagine how my babies survived having had the gross defect of being born before hand sanitizer :D

      Apr 18, 2009 at 12:21 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #40.4   anglophile bang

      Before hand sanitizer, there was no such thing as babies. Not coincidentally, there was also no such thing as sex, either. People just didn’t do stuff like that before we came along.

      Apr 18, 2009 at 12:25 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #40.5   Anniee451

      Oh, that’s right. I used to know that, but I forgotted.

      Apr 18, 2009 at 12:29 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #40.6   Anniee451

      Because the hand germs ate away my frontal lobe.

      Apr 18, 2009 at 12:29 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #41   Tim

    Should be:

    “Please use this. Doing test research on the impact of hand sanitizers on children”

    “Working on developing Asthma, please don’t touch.”

    Apr 6, 2009 at 11:30 am   rating: 18  small thumbs up

     
  • #42   leftfoot

    You know, I don’t want to touch your damn baby anyway. It’s creepy.

    Apr 6, 2009 at 11:30 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #43   The T word bang

    Did you know that if you flush a baby you will get fecal mist all over your toothbrush? I saw it on mythbusters so it is true!

    Apr 6, 2009 at 11:30 am   rating: 16  small thumbs up

     
  • #44   Molly

    This flies out the window as soon as the second child arrives and the first child is a little germbag.

    Apr 6, 2009 at 12:10 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #45   tara

    This kind of crap drives me NUTS. Somehow I managed to grow to adulthood without everyone that came into contact with me as an infant washing their hands, so the lengths that some people go to are just cuckoo bananas. Isn’t there also a theory that the excessive use of anti-bacterial products is why kids are so much more allergic to things these days than previous generations?

    Apr 6, 2009 at 12:14 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #46   barbaraxmanatee

    people need to stop procreating. ENOUGH ALREADY!

    Apr 6, 2009 at 12:33 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

     
  • #47   Goldie

    Is that a used diaper on the floor in the back of the 1st picture?
    Wanna touch it? Use Purell first.

    Apr 6, 2009 at 12:41 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #47.1   Ida Knowe

      I noticed that too, and I also noted it looks as if a turd has excaped the diper. Hmmmm, “Wanna touch tha baby, wipe your hands on this turd first, to be ensure baby is only receiving his own germs back.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 2:58 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #48   secondsout bang

    Of course, there’s something to be said for not attending the “meet our bundle of joy” party in the first place. Frankly, I don’t think babies are all that special.

    Apr 6, 2009 at 12:52 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #48.1   DearJane

      They should have one when the child is 17 “Please come see our crack-addict teenage mom” and bring presents! Clean needles are always welcome…

      Apr 6, 2009 at 2:23 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #48.2   Commentator

      Secondsout, I agree and I also would be relucltant to attend a “meet the baby” party. Babies are *horrible* at holding up their end of a conversation. I, myself, am sort of a wallflower at parties, but sheesh.

      Apr 8, 2009 at 11:23 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #49   Jim

    Is that a turd on the floor in the first picture?

    Damn, someone had the same thought a few minutes before

    Apr 6, 2009 at 1:01 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #50   bald outing

    these poor babies – they have no idea.

    Apr 6, 2009 at 1:04 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #51   Kate

    It’s things like this that make me wonder how our great grandparents ever made it to adulthood.
    Clearly we are all moments from death due to an unsanitary telephone or some shit.

    Apr 6, 2009 at 1:09 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #51.1   Mishee™ bang

      Forget germs… Raising a teenager has made me wonder how any of us made it to adulthood at all…

      Apr 6, 2009 at 2:33 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #51.2   aaa

      The gonorrhea and chlamydia from all that unprotected anal sex (because we all know that anal sex really isn’t sex) gives their immune systems a good workout.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 3:00 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #52   Poor Ol Dirt Farmer

    My wife and I saw a stroller this weekend with TWO of those exact signs (2nd pic) on it.

    Apr 6, 2009 at 1:29 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #53   mamason bang

    It uses the Purell or it gets the hose.

    Apr 6, 2009 at 1:38 pm   rating: 20  small thumbs up

    • #53.1   aaa

      It puts the Purell in the basket.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 1:44 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #53.2   The T word bang

      I ♥ U Mama!!! :lol:

      Apr 6, 2009 at 1:46 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #53.3   aaa

      Put the Purell in the fucking basket! D:

      Apr 6, 2009 at 2:03 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #53.4   mamason bang

      I ♥ T 2 ;-)

      Apr 6, 2009 at 2:22 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #53.5   clumber

      [Texas Drawl]
      Don’t you MAKE ME HURT YOUR DOG!
      [/drawl]

      sorry… shitty day @ work… shitty babies PAN… shitty…. WTF is that big Orange thing in the sky!!? Sneaking out of work now…

      Apr 6, 2009 at 7:22 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #54   childfree

    Let me get this straight….

    Your child exudes noxious substances (mucus, poop) on a 24 hour basis, and I need to wash my hands to protect your PWECIOUS?

    Tell that to my boyfriend who made the mistake of swimming in our neighborhood’s pool…..where all the parunts were allowing their shitstains to swim, and he picked up cryptosporidium from the little PWECIOUSES swimming in the pool in their diapers.

    Next babybee I see, I will be sure to wipe my ass with my hands before touching.

    Apr 6, 2009 at 3:03 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #54.1   Goldie

      Swimming in a kiddie pool! Kinky!! Wait, is it legal?

      Apr 6, 2009 at 4:17 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #54.2   GK

      Hey, look, some of the “childfree” brigade have turned up! :-D These guys are usually good for a bit of internetz drama. Should we prod them? (don’t worry, I’ll wash my hands afterwards)

      Apr 7, 2009 at 5:13 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #54.3   Anniee451

      Oh yes, hehe – DO prod. And by all means wash.

      It’s almost as horrible as the “don’t whip your tit out in public to feed your baby”/”breastfeed on demand” crowd. Both ugly but I gather good for a laugh here .

      Apr 8, 2009 at 2:39 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #54.4   Ravenlynne

      It’s always good to see a note of rationality added to the mix…

      Apr 9, 2009 at 1:48 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #55   J

    heh

    i remember someone telling me ab out a similar party they had held long ago. allegedly, the father had asked everyone who attended to stick their finger in the boy’s mouth to give him a taste of as many casual germs as possible early on. by all account the boy is 6’5″ now, and neigh indestructable.

    Apr 6, 2009 at 4:11 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #55.1   Sirius bang

      And you can usually find him down by the wharf, indulging his overpowering urge to fellate longshoremen.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 4:38 pm   rating: 21  small thumbs up

       
    • #55.2   Draco

      Sirius FTW!!!! :lol:
      He looks kind of odd… 6’5″ wearing a baby bonnet.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 6:59 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #55.3   not me!

      neigh indestructible

      Are you, by chance, trying to say something about Mr. 6’5″ ‘s resemblance to a horse?

      Do tell…

      Apr 6, 2009 at 8:23 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #55.4   park rose

      Peter Shaffer’s father, obviously.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 8:35 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #55.5   Grimfool_Reluctant bang

      Those longshoremen were docking fellatious! I’m sorry.

      Apr 7, 2009 at 1:32 am   rating: 22  small thumbs up

       
    • #55.6   mamason bang

      That was brilliant, GR! :lol:

      Apr 7, 2009 at 1:40 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #55.7   park rose

      I really think you have to say longhorsemen…then the spoonerism will be even more replete and neigh on indestructible I say!

      Apr 7, 2009 at 5:05 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #55.8   park rose

      duplicate comment

      Apr 7, 2009 at 5:07 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #55.9   Anniee451

      Anecdotal! Cite, please! :D

      Apr 8, 2009 at 2:39 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #56   J

    heh

    i remember someone telling me ab out a similar party they had held long ago. allegedly, the father had asked everyone who attended to stick their finger in the boy’s mouth to give him a taste of as many casual germs as possible early on. by all account the boy is 6’5″ now, and neigh indestructible.

    Apr 6, 2009 at 4:12 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #56.1   Sirius bang

      And you can usually fi … oh, nevermind.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 4:39 pm   rating: 22  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #57   Rebel

    Please, take my baby!

    Okay, seriously, I believe human beings are social creatures who need to be touched. If someone else wanted to hold my baby, then all it meant was that I could have a few minutes break from holding him or her myself.

    I never worried about anyone touching my children.

    Except once, when I was stuck on the first floor of a twenty story building. The elevator was broken, I didn’t have any spare diapers, and my 2 month old had a diaper full of icky mustard yellow breast milk poop. I was trying to hike up the stairs to the eighteenth floor when an Arabic-looking man stopped me and started talking to me.

    Unfortunately, he wasn’t speaking English. So, after a moment he gave up and plucked my baby right out of my arms. I ran after him, trying to tell him that the baby was dripping poop, but he didn’t stop until we got to the eighteenth floor (how did he know that was my floor, anyway?). Then he handed her back to me with lots of reassurances that I suppose were meant to assure me that he wasn’t kidnapping her.

    And then he noticed the poop all over the arm of his very nice expensive-looking leather jacket. I tried to apologize, but he just took off.

    It was weird. And unfortunate, since I think he was trying to be helpful. But the last thing I was worried about was his *germs*.

    Apr 6, 2009 at 4:53 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #58   MW

    Your hideous little crotch fruit probably has more germs on his fucking softspot than I have on my entire body. Thanks, I’ll use the disinfectant for my own protection.

    Apr 6, 2009 at 5:29 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #58.1   Sirius bang

      Please use the disinfectant before touching my crotch fruit.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 5:52 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #58.2   Geek Goddesss

      Please use the disinfectant before touching my crotch, fruit!

      Apr 8, 2009 at 3:06 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #58.3   Ravenlynne

      Just lay off my fruit’s crotch, please.

      Apr 9, 2009 at 1:54 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #59   Geek Goddess

    I especially appreciate the line on the second picture that explains that the pink sign tells people to wash their hands before touching the baby. If people can’t figure it out from reading the pink sign, it is kind of pointless to use one of those signs in the first place.

    Apr 6, 2009 at 5:42 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #60   Sarah

    That’s funny, I usually sanitize AFTER being anywhere near a baby (you couldn’t pay me to actually touch them), since the little snotballs are usually crawling with filth.

    Apr 6, 2009 at 5:56 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #61   Dr. T

    Crotchfruit – love it.

    Apr 6, 2009 at 6:20 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #61.1   mamason bang

      Is crotchfruit in season?

      I’ll have to remember to get out the juicer.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 6:36 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #61.2   Draco

      It is a little early Mamason but it has been a warm spring. Don’t forget to make some Crotchfruit Sangria.
      This has been brought to you by the American Crotchfruit Council®

      Apr 6, 2009 at 7:04 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #62   Girl Friday

    Sorry it took me so long to post today. I was busy securing a patent on the sneeze guard for baby strollers.

    It doubles as a punch shield for hookers so I thought I’d ask the Shamwow guy to do the infomercial.

    Apr 6, 2009 at 7:19 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #62.1   Sirius bang

      Hookers in baby strollers? That’s kind of a strange visualization; I’m kind of repulsed and/or aroused now . . .

      Apr 6, 2009 at 7:32 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #62.2   agatha christie

      I feel like the Shamwow guy might have a speech impediment for a few days.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 10:17 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #63   gargggg

    also, i would like to add that when i have children, fuck hand sanitizer, they will just be allowed to run around naked to get used to germs. i have allergies. i dont want them to have ANY!!!

    Apr 6, 2009 at 8:56 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #63.1   Canthz_B bang

      Then don’t pass your genes on to your children. ;-)

      Apr 7, 2009 at 4:45 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #64   Leisa

    I won’t use hnd sanitizer before touching your kid (because I would never voluntarily touch one) but I’m damn sure using sanitizer afterwards if the little snotfactory comes near me. Parents are so worried about their kids getting germs from everyone else, but don’t seem to care if their kids give germs to others (runny nose, dirty hands, open-faced sneezing with snot landing on everyone nearby, changing diapers in public areas, tossing diapers on the grounds or leaving them in a shopping cart, and so on and so on and so on). Kids are gross.

    Apr 6, 2009 at 9:35 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #65   Jilly

    OMG….let’s all come together and use the sanitizier and create a SUPER BUG ALREADY.

    Apr 6, 2009 at 9:40 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #65.1   agatha christie

      I second this. This fantastic super bug will eradicate people like these and all those who feel that hand sanitizer will save them.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 10:21 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #65.2   Leisa

      Well in my case, I have stage IV cancer and I’m currently undergoing chemo. It’s extremely important that I not be exposed to things that could make me sick, because my immune system is compromised due to the chemo. I try to avoid going places where a lot of people will be, but I can’t just live in a plastic bubble for the rest of my life, and I can’t depend on other people to be fastidious about their hygiene. I can’t speak for anyone else’s reason as to why they use hand sanitizer.

      Apr 7, 2009 at 1:26 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #65.3   mamason bang

      Cancer’s not funny… :-|

      Jeez… way to bring down the room.

      Apr 7, 2009 at 1:45 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #65.4   Sirius bang

      Leisa Monster

      Apr 7, 2009 at 12:36 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #65.5   wholeon

      Sometimes cancer is funny.

      Apr 7, 2009 at 5:00 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #65.6   Mishee™ bang

      wholeon – you are right.

      Mister Mishee™’s birthday is July 22, and although he is on the cusp, he can be a riot at times!

      Apr 7, 2009 at 5:25 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #65.7   Canthz_B bang

      I’ll bet he’s a real crab the rest of the time, Mishee™!

      Apr 7, 2009 at 5:38 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #65.8   aaa

      I’m a Cancer. Evidently people think I’m funny (on occasion, at least) what with my comments getting thumbs upped (on occasion, at least).

      Apr 7, 2009 at 5:48 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #65.9   Mishee™ bang

      CB – you have NO idea.

      Hey, at least he doesn’t have crabs, so I am lucky for that!

      Apr 7, 2009 at 5:54 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #65.10   Canthz_B bang

      Some people think I’m a cancer to this site and wish I’d go into remission.

      Apr 7, 2009 at 6:12 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #65.11   GK

      wholeon: “Sometimes cancer is funny.”

      I present the following evidence in favour, Your Honour.

      Apr 8, 2009 at 2:33 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #66   Flaboy2425

    Yeah it sounds dirty to me. I’ll use the hand sanitizer after I touch the baby. On second thought, why would I want to touch the nasty kid?

    Apr 7, 2009 at 12:25 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #67   Grimfool_Reluctant bang

    Yep. This thread has officially been around the block twice.

    Apr 7, 2009 at 1:25 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

     
  • #68   GK

    I think my favourite part of the little sign is the teeny copyright symbol. Why?

    Also, somebody really needs to explain what this term “preemie” that everyone’s slinging around as if it were a real word means before people start suffering terrible accidents.

    Apr 7, 2009 at 5:09 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #69   not_an_ola

    Jebus, people on the internet really hate little kids.

    Apr 7, 2009 at 5:18 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #69.1   tapeworm

      No, just your little snot sausage.

      Apr 7, 2009 at 9:36 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #69.2   Anniee451

      No shit. Or, they’re miking the thread for lulz. Could go either way :) (But yeah, seriously, a lot of people online hate kids.)

      Apr 8, 2009 at 2:41 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #70   Tripletmom

    Jen- I have to agree with you! I too usually am laughing at these notes too but as a mom of 3 premature babies…RSV is a killer. Even with RSV shots you have to be so careful. I stayed in the house for 2 years because of not only the germs during RSV season but with 3 babies…..it was too hard to get out! lol That been said I would never put a sign on my kid or the house. First of all I just never took them out near people so I would not freak out. Second you can tackfull ask people to wash. You don’t need a sign. Hope your preemie is well! Mine are 7…they were 28 weekers and happy and healthy now! Thank GOD!!

    Apr 7, 2009 at 12:38 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #71   Mack Truck

    Kids are major germ factories, and someone wants ME to wash my hands before touching one?

    First of all, I don’t WANT to touch/hold your spawn, and it irks me when people thrust their drool monkeys at me, expecting me to coo and smile.

    Just because I’m a woman doesn’t automatically make me genetically inclined to want to hold your gooey, snotty, smelly little bundle of joy.

    Apr 7, 2009 at 2:32 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #71.1   Anniee451

      Newborns aren’t really germ factories. In fact they actually require protection from germs, which is why breasteses milk provides live immunities. Infant mortality was no joke in the 20th century; just because we’ve killed it in large part due to immunizations doesn’t make it funny.

      Or maybe it’s just too soon?

      Apr 8, 2009 at 2:43 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #72   Laura K.

    I am a total bitch when it comes to MY children as newborns. If they get sick it’s much worse as a newborn than as an older baby so yes, I am one of THOSE moms.. I’m not like that for my kids now, ages 5 years and 9 months, but considering my entire family has been sick for most of 2009, I am wagering a bet it could be related to all the strangers who can’t keep their dirty paws OFF my baby! I swear I cannot go anywhere without someone touching her! Yes she’s cute, admire from afar please? Why is it that people insist on touching fingers or faces of babies anyway?!

    And in defense of all germaphobe parents, you have NO idea what their story is. Their child could be immunosuppresed for example and they are only protecting that innocent child from being sick (and thus sucking up any chance they have as parents to sleep).

    Let’s not be so hard on parents mkay?

    Apr 7, 2009 at 2:51 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #72.1   mamason bang

      See, that’s the difference between me and you. If I don’t want someone touching my child, then I don’t allow them to do so. Period. It’s amazing how effective a look can be at stopping someone dead in their tracks. Yep. When they can see, just by looking in your eyes, that you have killed before and will kill again… they tend to give up with out much of a fight.

      Apr 7, 2009 at 3:15 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #72.2   Sirius bang

      Please come meet our immunosuppressed bundle of joy in the common area at 1 pm. There will be a common refreshment bowl for you all to stick your grotty little fingers in.

      Apr 7, 2009 at 3:20 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #72.3   Mishee™ bang

      Laura K, you are TOTALLY right!

      I, for one, can’t wait to have an immunosuppressed baby so I can take it out into public and let it be seen by all!

      After all, babies like that don’t usually last too long, right – gotta show ‘em off while I can!

      Apr 7, 2009 at 3:25 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #72.4   Canthz_B bang

      Entire family felled by baby-touchers?

      That sure makes more sense than anything else I could think of. :roll:

      Apr 7, 2009 at 3:48 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #72.5   fantasy bang

      little fuckers are going to have speech problems, if they live.

      mkay ? !?!???

      What the hell, teach the little boogers to speak any way you want.

      They will sound ignorant!

      ig·no·rant

      ADJECTIVE:

      Lacking education or knowledge.
      Showing or arising from a lack of education or knowledge: an ignorant mistake.
      Unaware or uninformed.

      OKAY?

      Apr 7, 2009 at 6:27 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #72.6   Anniee451

      A good case for TELLING people “Hey! Sorry, but no touchee feelie right now!” Since those babies are entirely helpless and some people feel impelled to touch them, stop it before it happens.

      Apr 8, 2009 at 2:45 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #73   Anonymous

    Am I the only one annoyed by the redundancy of the tagline text on the second picture?

    Apr 7, 2009 at 2:53 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #73.1   mamason bang

      Yes.

      Apr 7, 2009 at 3:00 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #73.2   Sirius bang

      Well, you and GG, who said the same thing 21 hours/14 comments ago…

      Apr 7, 2009 at 3:13 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #73.3   mamason bang

      I had forgotten.

      Apr 7, 2009 at 3:16 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #74   ana

    Studies have shown children who are kept germ-free by overzealous parents actually end up getting sicker in the long run because they don’t build up any immunity toward germs and illnesses. Why not just seal your baby in carbonite while you’re at it?

    Apr 7, 2009 at 3:09 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #74.1   Mishee™ bang

      really ana?

      I had no idea!

      Did you also know that if you flush the toilet with the lid up, you get fecal mist all over the bathroom and on your toothbrush??

      oh.. and carbonite?? really? Who is this kid? Han Solo?

      Apr 7, 2009 at 3:15 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #74.2   Sirius bang

      Studies have shown that 74% of statistics are just shit people make up to reinforce their own stupid beliefs.

      Actually, it was only 51%, but 74% made my argument much more persuasive. To me, anyway.

      Apr 7, 2009 at 3:16 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #74.3   DearJane

      I am now mortally afraid of flushing my toilet with the seat up. I now store my toothbrushes in the trunk of my car.

      Apr 7, 2009 at 3:21 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #74.4   Canthz_B bang

      Servers don’t make the same minimum wage as other workers so they rely on tips to make up the difference.
      People who don’t tip should eat at Burger King. They’re just cheap, it has nothing to do with the shitty service. They weren’t going to tip anyway, and the servers could tell just by looking at them.

      Apr 7, 2009 at 3:40 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #74.5   Bernd das Brot

      You’re supposed to tip??? Huh. Who knew.

      Apr 7, 2009 at 4:25 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #74.6   KatieMB

      I only tip if the server has used Purell before evey visit to my table.

      Apr 7, 2009 at 7:51 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #74.7   Anniee451

      “Did you also know that if you flush the toilet with the lid up, you get fecal mist all over the bathroom and on your toothbrush??”

      Oops! Someone forgot their MYTHBUSTERS today!

      Germs are overrated. Count me in with Brad Pitt in 12 Monkeys, eh?

      Apr 8, 2009 at 2:48 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #74.8   Sirius bang

      Brad likes a girl with sense of humor. Big lips are good, too.

      Apr 8, 2009 at 9:35 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #75   The T word bang

    Babies who breast feed gain immunities from their germy, filthy, dirty whore of a mother. :shock:
    But mom knows she isn’t going to get tipped for providing life, nourishment, and antibodies. Oh no just by looking at the baby she knew there wasn’t going to be any tip. Cheap little vomiting fucker. Should have stuck him on Simulac.

    Apr 7, 2009 at 3:52 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #75.1   Anniee451

      That’s…sarcasm, right? Hehehe.

      Apr 8, 2009 at 2:49 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #76   TPS

    It has been proven that excessive handwashing and anti-bacterial products increases skin conidtions and allergies because you are destroying the outer layer of skin. The more you know! *Sees rainbow*

    Apr 7, 2009 at 4:02 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #76.1   aaa

      It’s been proven that the fecal mist from toilets flushed while the lid is up is what causes people not to tip servers and wear little hats when eating Mongolian barbecue.

      Thank you, Terry.

      Apr 7, 2009 at 5:50 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #77   Canthz_B bang

    Hand sanitizer…the cure for the common airborne pathogen?

    Baby takes in more nasties in one good breath than from 50 handshakes.
    Good old pollen and mold spores and such. Live in fear…the world is a dangerous place, and “they” are out to kill your baby!

    Apr 7, 2009 at 4:14 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #77.1   Mishee™ bang

      Germs you say??

      Hmm… and here I thought the dingos were out to get the baby!

      Apr 7, 2009 at 4:32 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #77.2   Anniee451

      You’re all wrong. **I’M** out to get the baby.

      Oh, yes, fear me.

      Apr 8, 2009 at 2:50 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #78   Canthz_B bang

    Dear Neighbor,

    While I would love to come to the common area to meet your “bundle of joy”, I feel we’ve already met. We’ve spent many a night together in fact…your “bundle of joy” screaming at the top of her lungs, me cursing into my pillow, summoning the strength to not kick in your door and choke her.
    No, I think that rather than attend, I’ll use that time to get some much needed sleep.

    PS, no guarantees that I’ll always summon the strength, but be assured that I will sanitize my hands before I wrap them around your little bundle of joy’s neck.

    Apr 7, 2009 at 4:36 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

     
  • #79   mamason bang

    Who loves ya’, baby?

    Apr 7, 2009 at 6:15 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #80   Anniee451

    Ok – here’s a suggestion. If you hate children, if you think babies are nasteous sacks of pus, if you do NOT like infants – DON’T GO TO THE FUCKING PARTY.

    I was DELUGED with requests to “meet/see/paw” the baby when I had both of mine, and if one doesn’t want to, one should simply refrain from going to such a gathering. The fact is that there really ARE a lot of people who WANT to see and touch the baby. That’s just how it is. If you don’t – stay the fuck away from their party.

    Apr 8, 2009 at 2:54 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #80.1   GK

      Don’t go bringing your Earth logic into this!

      Apr 8, 2009 at 4:39 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #80.2   Anniee451

      Hehe; sorry – it was cocktail night and I forgot where I was.

      Apr 11, 2009 at 5:24 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #81   tallandrew

    These kids are going to grow up with allergies. A healthy dose of germs is good for children to build up their immune system. We are too paranoid about cleanliness these days.

    Apr 8, 2009 at 7:43 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #81.1   Anniee451

      Hehe – a “healthy dose of germs” is kind of funny.

      But really, before immunization babies died all the time from germs like diphtheria and pertussis and polio and stuff. We have gone too far these days with the hand sanitizing and paranoia, but it isn’t like it’s a great thing for a baby to be sick. I can’t quite figure out why people keep bringing allergies into it, though – what’s that got to do with germs? And are we talking about bacteria or viruses? You can’t be immune to bacteria; it’s viruses that you build immunities to.

      The problem is with all our antibacterial neurosis, we’ve made the damn *bacteria* immune – superstrains are getting a tad out of hand…but that seems to stem from our overuse of antibiotics, which the doctors figured out a little late in the game.

      Uh…I’m not a doctor, I just like to read a lot.

      Apr 11, 2009 at 5:30 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #82   Moody

    Two weeks ago, I helped out in a first grade classroom as per graduation requirements for my elementary education certification. Spending time with these little ones sure can be heartwarming and whatnot, but we all know those kids are full of germs.
    I noticed the teacher kept pumping out Purell on everyone, sending kids to wash their hands at the sink, and reminding them that “healthy kids are happy kids!”
    I’m thinking this is good class to be in if one wants to not get sick. So, I went back this morning and checked in at the front desk, saying, “I’m here to work in Ms. Smith’s class!” I was told that she got so sick that she was hospitalized and will be out for the rest of the school year.
    The gel won’t help you, people, stay away from kids! Save yourself!

    Apr 8, 2009 at 7:22 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #83   se

    I wonder if someone eventually just picked up the note and used it to wipe their hands?

    Apr 8, 2009 at 7:33 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #84   Karin

    I don’t see how this is passive aggressive, as the note is not intended to make people angry or to passively resist. However, some of the comments posted…

    Apr 8, 2009 at 9:07 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #85   April

    I am a mom of former preemie twins and I had those little mytinyhands signs on their carseats their first year of life. Their pediatrician encouraged me to do this. Doctor approved. It really is life threatening to touch preemies without using hand sanitizer or washing your hands and you would be surprised how many dumb people don’t.

    Not all babies qualify for Synagis shots either to whomever said that. Mine did not qualify but were still at high risk for RSV. I did what I could to protect them such as not taking them out in public much, washing hands, making others wash hands, but you can only do so much.

    Those signs are neccessary because believe it or not, every time I took my twins out in public which I rarely did, some complete stranger would come up and want to put their hands all over my babies and get all in their faces! I know better than to approach other babies without consulting their parents first, but many do not.

    Anyone who says a few germs won’t hurt a baby has obviously never seen a baby in the NICU or in the PICU. I have. I have seen many multiples be perfectly healthy one day, then end up on death’s door because a bunch of people at church, etc decided to paw all over the baby. It happens.

    I actually am a national advocate for prevention of RSV disease by the Thrive Network, so I really know what I am talking about. You can poke fun all you want, but it is the truth. I wish people would stay away from my boys, but strangers are always touching them even now when they are toddlers. I can’t always tell them to stop quick enough so the sign does the trick as well.

    Apr 9, 2009 at 11:28 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #85.1   Anniee451

      Rut-roh, a killjoy! Hehe. (Interesting info, tho.) But it was like I said, before Purell, it was rubber gloves and boil the shit out of everything. Including the baby, which is fucking delicious.

      Apr 10, 2009 at 12:53 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #85.2   Canthz_B bang

      April, and we care because…?

      You don’t need signs. You need a spine.
      Just say NO!

      Just like I didn’t need “Baby on board” signs 25 years ago to tell me to drive safely just because somebody thought that they needed to let everyone know that they were carrying “precious cargo”.
      I drive safely to safeguard my life.

      I use hand sanitizer to protect myself.
      I give less than a crap about yours.

      Do your own due diligence, do it tactfully, do it verbally, signs are demeaning.

      Doctor approved?
      Almost reputable studies have shown that 68.323% of doctors are certified assholes!

      Apr 10, 2009 at 2:17 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #85.3   Anniee451

      “Just like I didn’t need “Baby on board” signs 25 years ago to tell me to drive safely just because somebody thought that they needed to let everyone know that they were carrying “precious cargo”.
      I drive safely to safeguard my life.”

      I was given a “Baby On Board” sign the year my daughter was born – right at the beginning of their popularity. I’d never seen such a stupid thing. Needless to say, I did not put it in my car and I hated people who did. Hey, *I’m* on board and *you’re* on board, isn’t that enough? Wtf? Don’t drive like an asshole.

      As to “Do your own diligence” I am totally stealing that line. Thank you Terry!

      Apr 10, 2009 at 2:35 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #85.4   RP

      I think April might look a bit odd screeching “No touching!” at every stranger who comes into the vicinity of her babies.

      People shouldn’t need a sign OR a verbal warning because people shouldn’t feel it’s OK to touch or grab someone’s baby without permission. But people are assholes.

      If the sign keeps the premie/weak baby from getting sick it’s not a big deal.

      Apr 10, 2009 at 9:42 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #86   beesnest

    I can’t believe I read the WHOLE THING.

    burp.

    Apr 10, 2009 at 5:01 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #86.1   gradstudent

      Well, how fun! I was reading this blog to write a class assignment. I was just noting how free we are to say in writing what most would consider impolite and rude in person. Point one of my essay proven. Going to be an easy assignment…Point two—what kind of lonely, antisocial misfits sit at home and respond to these blogs instead of having meaningful, personal REAL relationships?
      theory: if these folks are being honest and saying what they would actually say to a person face to face, no wonder they are lonely, antisocial misfits.
      On the other hand, people go to the john and do their business without ever washing their hands, or pick their nose while driving in the car where no one can see them…AND THEN they want to touch my baby OR me…icky…think about it.

      Apr 10, 2009 at 8:28 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #86.2   anglophile bang

      Oh fuck off, gradstudent. I could go on and on about the number of meaningful, personal REAL relationships I have both in real life and online, but I’d just be wasting pixels on you.

      Apr 10, 2009 at 8:55 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #86.3   Canthz_B bang

      The internet is a homework assignment now?
      For graduate students?
      And they charge how much for a sheepskin today?

      Apr 10, 2009 at 9:14 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #86.4   Mishee™ bang

      Yes! That’s the beauty of college these days, CB! You can major in Game Boy if you know how to bullshit.

      :)

      Apr 10, 2009 at 9:20 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #86.5   Canthz_B bang

      Yeah…higher education never smelled more like good weed!

      Apr 10, 2009 at 9:28 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #86.6   Mishee™ bang

      Did someone say weed?

      Apr 10, 2009 at 9:31 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #86.7   Mishee™ bang

      I, myself, have always wanted to try to prove the “Caine/Hackman Theory” but always soon lost interest in the project…

      Apr 10, 2009 at 9:46 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #86.8   Anniee451 bang

      The problem with proving that theory is that so many of the movies are really boring. I was going to think up a theory with better movies and shows in it, but then I got high.

      Apr 10, 2009 at 4:42 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #86.9   mamason bang

      Evidently, one kind of lonely, antisocial misfit that sits at home and responds to these blogs instead of having meaningful, personal REAL relationships, would be grad students.

      Do you have a mirror?

      Apr 11, 2009 at 1:40 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #87   gradstudent

    WOW, point taken, point proven and you did waste pixels on me. :)

    Apr 10, 2009 at 8:58 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #87.1   Lenicus

      Watch out, next you’ll be spanked for not gigglebraxing correctly!

      Apr 10, 2009 at 9:13 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #87.2   Canthz_B bang

      All that edjumacation, and you can’t find the “add to this thread link”?

      Lemme guess…Jr. High grad, right?

      Apr 10, 2009 at 9:17 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #87.3   anglophile bang

      Oh, I didn’t prove your point. You proved it yourself by coming into a virtual community you know nothing about and disparaging every single poster here without knowing anything about their personal lives.

      And in fact, I am providing you right now with a bit of data that does not support your theory. In real life I would never tell a stranger, no matter how insufferably rude, to fuck off. I don’t mind mixing it up on the internet but I hate conflict in real life. I work a job where I have to deal with people and make them feel welcome and important and I do it well.

      If you really want to know what kind of people post here, it’s people exactly like you. Or maybe nothing at all like you. Or maybe kind of like you and kind of not like you. You know, just like in real life. Our one commonality? We all have senses of humor that are tickled by passive/aggressive notes people write.

      Now, I have all day off, not much to do, have just broken up with my boyfriend, and as a lapsed Catholic, feel it my duty to spend Good Friday in a reprehensible manner. So, by all means, continue to be a douche canoe so I have something to do. :)

      Apr 10, 2009 at 9:26 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #87.4   Canthz_B bang

      LET’S GET READY TO RUUUMMMBLE!!!!!

      Apr 10, 2009 at 9:32 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #87.5   gradstudent

      Or maybe like totally like someone like totally good or like totally bad like…get a dictionary, anglo

      Canthz… why would I want to add a thread? I am not sewing silly!

      Apr 10, 2009 at 9:59 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #87.6   anglophile bang

      Yeah, I guess I’m not such a good writer.

      Aw, shit. You made me cry.

      Apr 10, 2009 at 10:03 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #87.7   park rose

      Don’t worry, ‘glo, it’s Good Friday. You’ll rise again on Sunday, like any good messiah would. Make sure you have a shroud or veil handy to sop up your tears and sweat, and your likeness will be immortalised forever. You already are a living legend within the salty, communal, heaving, shuddering, bosom[s] of PAN. We love you (on fear of being smitten ;) , but also, cos’ you are stupendous).

      Purple enough for you, grad? That’s for when you return from your real life to see the effects of your non-life on unreal submitters. Worth it? Ooh, it makes me wonder. That’s a reference to glo the messiah, as well.

      Apr 10, 2009 at 10:32 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #87.8   anglophile bang

      Aw, rose. For some reason, that put me in mind of this, but I think it’s just a case of misheard lyrics.

      :P

      Apr 10, 2009 at 11:04 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #87.9   Mishee™ bang

      What about my ears?

      Apr 10, 2009 at 11:23 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #87.10   Canthz_B bang

      See what I mean? Not That bright at all.
      Adding to a thread, to use your reasoning, gradstudent, wouldn’t be sewing…you add to thread by spinning more thread. :roll:

      Tighten up your game before you address me, silly child…and for God’s sake, stay your ignorant ass in school!!

      Apr 11, 2009 at 1:58 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #88   gradstudent

    O forgot to add..juvenile! How old are you guys? twelve?

    Apr 10, 2009 at 9:48 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #88.1   Mishee™ bang

      Don’t tell anyone, cause I pretend I am a 13 year old girl who goes to middle school and plays volleyball, but actually I am a 45 year old man with chronic halitosis and a peg leg who lives in my mother’s basement and plays copious amounts of WoW…

      “I’m so much cooler online…”

      Apr 10, 2009 at 9:50 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #88.2   gradstudent

      my kind of guy!!

      Apr 10, 2009 at 9:57 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #88.3   anglophile bang

      Hmm, fails to grasp concept of threaded comments. I guess those bachelor’s degrees aren’t what they used to be. In my day, you had to demonstrate some modicum of reading comprehension to graduate college. :|

      Apr 10, 2009 at 10:00 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #88.4   gradstudent

      And use a dictionary

      Apr 10, 2009 at 10:05 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #88.5   anglophile bang

      Gee, it’s a shame you had to use the same insult twice. It kinda loses its sting the second time around.

      Apr 10, 2009 at 10:08 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #88.6   park rose

      O forgot to add.
      Well, those multiple orgasms encountered whilst being tethered to a pole, and having indescribable (but some might argue, pleasurable) things done to your nether regions, are sure to obscure a French girl’s mathematical judgment.

      Apr 10, 2009 at 10:40 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #88.7   anglophile bang

      Now that’s a blast from the past, rose!

      Apr 10, 2009 at 10:57 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #89   gradstudent

    Alas, poor Anglophile…. I will not be here to entertain you for I am stepping out of virtuality into reality and going to the beach with some real people today. You will have to do your own douche to be entertained.

    Apr 10, 2009 at 10:03 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #89.1   Mishee™ bang

      What’s a beach? Oh… those places with sand and surf and shit like that? I read about them once on Wikipedia…

      You mean to tell me there is stuff to do out there beyond this blog?

      Wow.

      Now I don’t know what to think of my life.

      Gradstudent, you have totally turned my way of thinking around… I am going to turn off the computer right away and get on with a life outside of virtuality… (which according to Firefox isn’t even a word!)…

      Oh wait… I’m stuck in this cubicle. I guess I’ll stick around then, if for nothing more than just to piss you off…

      But remember, a wise person once said, “Fighting on the internet is like the Special Olympics – even if you win, you’re still retarded…” so I wouldn’t put too much effort into telling us off…

      Oh, and anglo, I would be more than happy to douche for you… it would be my thrill for the day… I promise I’ll wash my hands before touching your “baby”…

      Apr 10, 2009 at 10:09 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #89.2   anglophile bang

      Oh that’s a shame. I personally find going to the beach boring and vapid, but to each his own.

      I guess I’ll spend my day rereading my gloriously witty and stinging rebukes to you and writing down further points in case you should come back.

      If you leave now, you can even pretend you weren’t run off!

      Apr 10, 2009 at 10:12 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #89.3   Mishee™ bang

      “Vapid”, eh?

      Looks like someone pulled out the old http://www.m-w.com...

      And they say the internet is just for entertainment…

      You can learn, too! :D

      and I agree about the “pretending you weren’t run off thing”… its like when I take away my step-son’s phone and he says, “Well just keep it then, I don’t want it anyways!” – but of course within 20 minutes he is asking if he can have it back, repeating the query every half hour or so…

      Apr 10, 2009 at 10:23 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #89.4   anglophile bang

      Oh, did I write “vapid”? I meant to say “like, totally lame”. God, I’m such an idiot sometimes!

      Apr 10, 2009 at 10:27 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #89.5   TheOldSchool bang

      Did I miss grad student? Rats. It looks like it’s going to be another one of THOSE days….

      He’s bringing his laptop to the beach?

      I admire that kind of dedication.

      I just hope that he’s careful. While sand is bad for laptops; an incoming tide is even worse.

      Hopefully the beach will have been tidied before his arrival. Who can concentrate when there’s flotsam and jetsam lingering about?

      Apr 10, 2009 at 11:43 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #89.6   Anniee451 bang

      Damn, I missed this whole reaming too. :( Like anglo, though, I shall write down various putdowns and points in preparation for gradstudent’s triumphal return. I do most of my posting from work, or home drinking. But then, aside from my job and my marriage and kids, I really have no life. Nor even a dictionary. :(

      Apr 10, 2009 at 4:54 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #89.7   Anniee451 bang

      Oh wait. I have animals too. Does that give me a life, or does it make me the crazy cat/dog/rabbit lady?

      Apr 10, 2009 at 5:00 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #89.8   TheOldSchool bang

      Your cat may not be crazy. It could just be going through a phase.

      Apr 10, 2009 at 6:38 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #89.9   gradstudent

      oh, i was not run off, i went to the beach with real people, got real sun and came home to you real people!

      Apr 11, 2009 at 12:04 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #89.10   gradstudent

      Oh and my daughter IS retarded and appreciates your concern, i bet you bowl like obama too. We even had the ‘special’ handicapped wheelchair at the beach! Wish you could have seen us! the little retard and me… makes my heart warm just thinking about it

      Apr 11, 2009 at 12:08 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #89.11   park rose

      i went to the park with real people (imaginary friends count, right?), got real sun and came home to you real people, and gradstudent!

      gradstudent, you’re a gradstudent, and yet you have time to go to the beach? not a very diligent gradstudent, obviously. and time to play on the Net?

      aside from all that, why don’t you bring your flurries and flounces to the current thread instead of one which is 5 days old. we’re waiting.

      Apr 11, 2009 at 12:44 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #89.12   park rose

      I don’t bowl like Obama, but I definitely bow like him.

      Apr 11, 2009 at 12:46 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #89.13   TheOldSchool bang

      gradstudent, in a way, it’s kind of sad that your daughter IS retarded, because if she wasn’t, you could sue Mishee for saying that she was.

      Not that I’d want you to sue Mishee, because she’s been nice to me a couple of times (I think), but also because she’s stoned much of the time and would possibly make a sympathetic witness to all the other stoners on the jury.

      That said, if your daughter is not retarded, or, if in fact, you don’t even have a daughter, I happen to know a professor in Korea who knows about laws and shit, and maybe he’d take your case.

      If there were any Koreans in the jury pool, I’ll bet he could sway them to your side.

      Is it hard to push a wheel chair on the beach?

      Sand sure does find its way into the moistest and most difficult to reach crevices, doesn’t it?

      One bit of advice, gradstudent: You shouldn’t joke about a fellow’s bowling scores. I’m sure there have been times in your life when your scores haven’t been as high as you’d like. I’m sure with patience, hard work, watching lots of old bowling films, and reading books that offer advice from the world’s best bowlers, our young President will see his scores gradually improve.

      I just hope your paper blows your professor away. If you get a good grade, let me know, OK? Maybe we could have a beach party. Mishee might even come if you dangled “a smoking green carrot” in front of her. (Although you probably would want to think twice about that invite if the lawsuit is moving forward. It would be uncomfortable, especially for the stoned people, who, as they stared into blazing bonfire, suddenly got more and more aware of their their aural senses — listening to the crackling of the burning wood against the faded hypnotic background noise of waves tumbling like row= after row, after row of invadingf infantrymen being mysteriously gunned down by invisible men with silent machine guns. The invisible men are barefooted, of course, because they are reluctant to ruin their good shoes in salt water (even if they are invisible. It’s called PRIDE, damn it!) and as the invaders tumble to the beach, they notice that the scent of the enemies’ feet is eerily reminiscent of certain flavors of premium ice creams. As they pass into the void, they go out smiling and lapping at the shore like happy kittens before saucers of milk.

      What occurs next is what I often refer to as being: a stoners’ epiphany. It’s that moment when they realize that what they’re seeing and hearing and smelling and smoking is VERY real.

      It hits them like a bolt of weak lightning.

      These dying waves aren’t kinky fetishists.

      And gradstudent really is suing Mishee.

      Holy shit.

      Apr 11, 2009 at 12:57 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #89.14   TheOldSchool bang

      Re: 89.1:

      URGENT PRIVATE NOTE TO MISHEE:

      Just for the record, I appreciate the fact that you’re attempting to quote me, but my exact words were:
      “Scuffling on the web is like the entering a shit-eating contest. Even if you win, you’ve still eaten a whole lot of shit. Was that car you won worth it? Ewwww. Your breath. Stinks. Like. Shit.
      ‘Who are you anyway? You’re not Uncle Slappy!’ And then you wake up. Yes. You’ve pooped your bed again.! Wait to go! Loser!”

      Mishee, admittedly, your recollection of my words from that televised speech was remarkably close (by pot-head standards!), but, well, you know what a stickler I am for reality-based accuracy…. whooosh….

      Although my words might not make sense to you in your current state of mind, I can close my eyes, cross my fingers, and say: “Someday they might.”

      Try to think of those three little words as the ultimate in human achievement, so that if you don’t….not…. so when you DO achieve your victory, it will be after-school special-worthy.

      I know I’d watch (especially to see how I look when I’m in the leading –male– role).

      Apr 11, 2009 at 1:37 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #89.15   TheOldSchool bang

      I’m done playing women! There! I said it!

      Apr 11, 2009 at 1:40 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #89.16   Canthz_B bang

      So, gradstudent spent the day at the beach, taking some sun, getting a nice tan, trying to look like something that (s)he is not in reality?

      Just saying, there are many different ways to find an alternate self. Some sun, some surf…the web. Put that in your paper!

      Apr 11, 2009 at 2:11 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #89.17   Anniee451

      Damn, I missed the triumphal return. I’m always missing shit. Must be that real life I don’t have because I comment here. How much time would it take someone to surf the net, find a humor site, get to know the culture there without commenting, and then initiate commenting by telling the posters they were idiots? I’m telling you, that’s dedication.

      Now, since everyone’s bringing up bowling and retardation and special olympics, has anyone heard about this news article? http://newsbusters.org/blogs/noel-sheppard/2009/03/21/special-olympics-bowler-challenges-obama-i-can-beat-prez

      Because I think it’s pretty freaking awesome that an actual Special Olympian, who bowled a perfect game in the SOs and has a 266 *average*, heard the president’s stupid comment and immediately challenged him. So far as I know, Obama has not acknowledged the challenge because it is easier to mouth platitudes than put your money where your mouth is, I guess. I would actually respect it if he took the guy up on it, invited him to the White House, and made a donation to the SOs when he loses. I really would. It would be classy. I don’t think it’s going to happen.

      Now, gradstudent, you find a humor website pathetic…one that is really pretty funny and is populated by a pretty interesting and witty group of people, which isn’t something I come across all the time. Wouldn’t it be more fun and more interesting to, you know, BE witty and funny here and pass a pleasant half hour or so? I mean I love polemics and a good row as much as anyone, but it’s also nice to have a little fun on the internet. But if you think EVERYONE on the internet is a bunch of bottom-feeders, what the hell are you doing on it? And who in the hell is letting you write scholarly papers on bullshit like this? Sociology? This ain’t the place for sociological research, and we all know it, and we all know why. So are you a dick in real life or do you just play one on the net?

      Apr 11, 2009 at 5:44 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #90   Caralain

    Hey! My aunt did the same thing with her kid!
    Now her kids are so allergic to everything, they’ve never eaten in a restaurant!!
    How’s that for keeping your kid healthy?

    Let em eat dirt. It’s good for ya

    Apr 10, 2009 at 6:48 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #90.1   Anniee451

      Caralain!!!! Stay away from the liiiiight! (Sorry, couldn’t help it.)

      I’m just curious, seriously – what have allergies got to do with germs? I’m just having trouble making the connection right now. And…why don’t they eat in restaurants? Actual food allergies (as opposed to food that just doesn’t agree with a person or can cause a mild reaction – for example I get an itchy throat and sometimes hives from fruit, but it isn’t a dangerous allergy; just a reaction to certain juices) are actually pretty rare; it’s weird that so many people are so worried about them. Maybe her kids’ allergies are really just manifestations of her own paranoia?

      Apr 11, 2009 at 5:49 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #91   gradstudent

    Well, congratulations! You guys have all convinced me of the error of my dickish ways! You are all real and exactly who/what you say you are, no one misleads and everyone is honest. Geeze, what a step for mankind! I think I will just make all my friends this way from now on, no need to leave the house, go to work, or do anything. The real thing about this is, I can say anything, be anything and walk away…and you don’t know where I might turn up or as who/whom?

    Apr 11, 2009 at 10:35 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #91.1   PhD student

      Gad! It’s grad! How glad! How grand!

      Apr 11, 2009 at 11:25 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #91.2   anglophile bang

      What a revelation! None of us ever realized that before. Congratulations.

      Apr 11, 2009 at 12:52 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #91.3   Anniee451

      And this time I’m here for it, yay! So wait a minute, did he just say *again* that if you post on this website it proves you have no job? How does this even make sense? What kind of weird jolly is that to get? gradstudent, you don’t get scholarly sociology papers from doing this – you wouldn’t even attract the attention of 4chan for this kind of minor annoyance. If you came here and started some fights *between* the people here instead of popping in and screaming “Haha! You all suck! Haha!” it might have a little bit of troll value. Do you really not comprehend tongue-in-cheek net humor? I mean this is like really harmless stuff, like failblog or something. Or like trolling lolcats. What does it say about YOU that this is the best you can do? http://redwing.hutman.net/~mreed/warriorshtm/troller.htm

      “Troller is looking for a response…ANY response, and he will chum the waters with complaints, insults, compliments, and inflammatory tidbits hoping that someone…ANYONE, will take the bait. Generally quite harmless – practices a form of catch and release. Nonetheless, he can upset the delicate ecology of a discussion forum. Once a forum becomes aware of his presence, however, all feeding activity ceases and Troller must move on to more promising waters.”

      And what does it say about you that you failed at the most basic troll goal – disrupting the delicate ecology of a forum? So far all you’ve done is be completely lame; you can’t disrupt threads like these because you chose a poor target for such a thing. You went straight from looking for a response, any response, to needing to seek other waters. How stupid is that?

      Apr 11, 2009 at 1:01 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #91.4   anglophile bang

      The thing is, anniee, I don’t think he even is a troll.

      I think he is either (a) extremely obtuse or (b) enjoying his second day ever on the Innernets or (c) a complete tool.

      Most probably all three. Anyway, he did not provide much entertainment.

      Apr 11, 2009 at 1:28 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #91.5   Anniee451

      No, he didn’t, and that is actually sad.

      Also, “tool” is like one of the best snark words ever.

      Apr 11, 2009 at 1:31 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #91.6   anglophile bang

      I was hoping my douche canoe would go over better, but it’s not every day you get an instant classic like ass panda.

      Apr 11, 2009 at 1:35 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #92   anne

    STOP USING HAND SANITIZER FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! Soap works just as fine, and is better.
    1, Antibacterials do nothing against viruses. They are antibacterials, against bacteria. So cold, herpes and other lovely virii are not stopped by antibacterials.
    2, Triclosan, what is in most antibacterial soaps has been connected to liver and thyroid damage.
    3. As so many have commented about toughening up immune systems, don’t need to comment. There’s an exception for hospitals, Ebola outbreaks and perhaps preemies.
    4. Bacteria get RESISTANT to the antibacterials after a while. And one species can even exchange anti-resistance genes to another species!
    5. Most bacteria are not harmful to us, kill off the harmless bacteria and the harmful bacteria take their place
    6. There are trillions upon trillions of bacteria around us, you are not going to get them all…

    Ordinary SOAP and water!!

    Apr 11, 2009 at 11:35 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #93   bipolar mom

    To PhD,
    Katz, J.E. & Rice, R.E. (2002). Social consequences of internet use: Access, involvement and interaction. Cambridge, MA: The MIT Press.

    Apr 12, 2009 at 2:01 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #94   chazbot

     
  • #95   Anonymous

    The first note, yes.

    The second (sign) – some people’s kids have health problems that normally would prevent them from going out in public. When they finally do head out, it does make sense to have a sign rather than have to shove away every well-meaning grandma that wants to pinch the kid’s cheeks. Although, I would think they’d want a sign being more specific “Baby has health problems, please do not touch”

    May 12, 2009 at 3:26 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #96   andboo

    I don’t want people touching me – so why would I want their f’ing hands all over my child? Keep your damn hands to yourself!

    May 13, 2009 at 1:45 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #96.1   Anniee451

      Slight hint: don’t have a “meet-the-baby” party in that case. Just sayin’.

      May 13, 2009 at 2:00 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #97   Shalea

    Those “Please wash your hands before touching mine” signs are used in hospitals. They actually have a purpose. My mom got one for me in red, but it was for a laugh.

    May 13, 2009 at 7:58 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #98   loon

    shouldn’t it be sanitize your hands after tocuhing the baby? I mean the thing sits there stewing in its own feces, salivates on its hand, sticking them whonows where. No telling what germs those things may contain.

    Jun 7, 2009 at 10:21 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #99   Baby Haterz | PassiveAggressiveNotes.com

    [...] related: Wanna touch the baby? [...]

    May 13, 2011 at 9:45 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     

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