What would Jesus do for a Klondike bar?

April 7th, 2009 · 103 comments

Joanna from San Diego spotted this beauty in the public kitchen at her grandparents’ retirement home in Chattanooga, Tennessee.  Writes Joanna: “I love it because it combines passive-aggressiveness with religious sanctimony. Delicious!”

What would Jesus do for a Klondike bar?

related: no, He uses vaseline

FILED UNDER: "helpful" advice · CAPS LOCK · exclamation-point happy!!!! · Jesus · martyr complex · most popular notes of 2009 · old folks · stealing · Tennessee


103 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Paige

    The way the last line trails off makes it sound like a threat to me. I don’t take kindly to threats…..

    Apr 7, 2009 at 1:12 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   Grimfool_Reluctant bang

      Whaddaya gonna go about it?

      Apr 7, 2009 at 6:06 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   mamason bang

    And Jesus wept.

    Apr 7, 2009 at 1:29 am   rating: 31  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   mamason bang

      Seriously… that note is tear stained. :cry:

      Apr 7, 2009 at 1:31 am   rating: 24  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.2   Grimfool_Reluctant bang

      Or . . . spit, perhaps?

      Apr 7, 2009 at 1:36 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.3   mamason bang

      Awww… poor old dude had his taste buds all worked up just thinking about that super yummy HBKB and drooled all over his PAN? Poor old dude. :cry:

      Apr 7, 2009 at 1:49 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.4   barbaraxmanatee

      maybe it’s holy water…? all praise the holy klondike bar!

      Apr 7, 2009 at 2:57 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.5   TheOldSchool bang

      Without proper testing, we can’t be 100 percent sure, but I’ll venture that this particular coffin-dodger has a very sever case of watery diarrhea, and that the discoloration on his memo is due to a virulent new strain of “waterborne fecal mist.”

      Let’s hope that none of the other posted memos were contaminated.

      Apr 7, 2009 at 3:05 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #3   mamason bang

    It’s just like the Bible. All of Jesus’ words are in red!

    Apr 7, 2009 at 1:30 am   rating: 38  small thumbs up

     
  • #4   mamason bang

    Forgive me Father for I have sinned but those klondike bars were…

    frozen delicacies!

    Apr 7, 2009 at 1:35 am   rating: 43  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   TheOldSchool bang

      Mamason,

      I thought we stopped using frozen delicacies in 2007.

      Apr 7, 2009 at 3:35 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.2   mamason bang

      Times are tough, TOS. Recycling is in order. ;-)

      Apr 7, 2009 at 3:48 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.3   park rose

      Those Klondike bars were…frighteningly dear.

      Apr 7, 2009 at 4:46 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.4   fantasy bang

      They were heavenly.

      Apr 7, 2009 at 8:08 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   aaa

    What would I do for a Klondike bar? I certainly wouldn’t incur the wrath of Jesus for one.

    Apr 7, 2009 at 1:35 am   rating: 23  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   anglophile bang

      You wand to know what I would do for a Klondike bar?

      Drive to the store and buy some.

      Apr 7, 2009 at 7:44 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.2   aaa

      I don’t think Klondike bars are worth the gas money. I’ll take one for free, but honestly, I wouldn’t do much for one.

      Apr 7, 2009 at 7:55 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.3   anglophile bang

      Yeah, that joke was better before they ruined them. (I have serious issues about this. See Comment #23.)

      It also would have been better had I typed want instead of wand, but what’re you gonna do?

      Apr 7, 2009 at 8:28 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.4   DearJane

      oooo! I want to see the commercial for that one!! “What would you do for a Klondike bar?” “Anything!” “Really? Would you incur the wrath of Jesus?” “Sure, no prob…wait, what?”

      Apr 7, 2009 at 9:07 am   rating: 22  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.5   Andy

      You guys clearly haven’t tried the hybrid candy bar Klondikes that are the subject of this PAN. The Reese’s Cup Klondike bars are absolutely orgasmic.

      I’d burn down a church for one.

      Apr 7, 2009 at 9:44 am   rating: 29  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.6   anglophile bang

      Well, I haven’t had the Reese’s Cup variety, Andy, but I have had plenty of the Heath kind, and they did not make me go tingly or moan or anything.

      Apr 7, 2009 at 9:56 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.7   mamason bang

      That’s not what you said last night.

      Apr 7, 2009 at 11:51 am   rating: 16  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   dingoatemybaby bang

    I asked God if he ate them, and he said they were f***ing delicious! I wonder if He also knows where the odd socks are.

    I also love how the weird WordArt at the top makes your eyes go funny. Maybe it puts a pox on them! I love this style of PAN, the implication of forgiveness is there – but so is the implication of retribution!

    Apr 7, 2009 at 1:35 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #7   leftfoot

    The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.

    Maybe it was a test by god and I’m guessing they failed.

    Apr 7, 2009 at 1:37 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   TheOldSchool bang

      As it happens, I do a lot of charity work with the elderly.

      (I tend to concentrate on the ones with no families, because it is nice for them to get visitors. I only visit the most prestigious and prosperous nursing homes, because the homes where the poor elderly live already get lots of visitors and attention from various state agencies and local law enforcement.)

      Chances are better than 50/50 that old fool absent-mindedly stuck his Klondike bars in his sock drawer, or it’s even more likely that he never had them to begin with.

      You’d be surprised how many of my dear elderly friends forget the simplest of things; the most common being that they assigned their estates to me. I mean … Hello.

      I have to walk them through it, step by step….
      “Remember that day when we were comparing who had the neatest, most legible signature?”

      Apr 7, 2009 at 3:33 am   rating: 49  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.2   leftfoot

      “I only visit the most prestigious and prosperous nursing homes,”

      Yikes, really? So you’ll only visit the rich, lonely old people? I’m glad my grandma isn’t in a retirement home.

      Apr 7, 2009 at 11:23 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.3   Edon

      Whoosh…

      The sound of a comment going completely over leftfoot’s head….

      Apr 7, 2009 at 12:34 pm   rating: 27  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.4   TheOldSchool bang

      Leftfoot,

      Unlike “family members,” I don’t just come to visit the elderly for n awkward, uncomfortable hour, one Sunday afternoon a month.

      I’ll visit anytime. Even in the evening! The doors are locked then, so I have to stand outside their windows, but I don’t mind.

      The other night, I paid a visit to my most frail new friend (the sole heiress to an aerospace supplier fortune).

      I thought she’d get a kick out of seeing me dressed in normal street clothes, so I wore my grim reaper costume. I scraped some branches against her window to get her attention. You should have seen the surprised expression on her face when I raised my boney rubber hand and pointed straight at her.

      Unfortunately, I’ll never hear how tickled she was by my playful hi-jinks. Apparently the nursing staff found her dead in the morning. She’d died of natural causes. Heart-attack. I’m just happy to know I was able to provide with her one last good laugh before she passed.

      Apr 7, 2009 at 1:10 pm   rating: 30  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #8   Grimfool_Reluctant bang

    And again I say unto you, it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle, than for a Klondike bar to last through the night in this hellhole of a retirement home!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    That’s 13 exclamation points, representing our personal saviour and his 12 fucking disciples!

    Apr 7, 2009 at 1:46 am   rating: 25  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   mamason bang

      You can’t say “f***ing disciples! 8-O

      Apr 7, 2009 at 1:51 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.2   Grimfool_Reluctant bang

      I thought I couldn’t say fucking delicious. Shall I don the Unitarian unitard? I mean, since this is a retirement home and all . . .

      Apr 7, 2009 at 1:54 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.3   Phalange

      The disciples were fucking???? Man I must’ve skipped that portion of the Bible.

      Just kidding, I didn’t read the Bible. Seemed kinda pointless since I know how it ends.

      Apr 7, 2009 at 7:55 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.4   aaa

      The disciples very well may have been fucking. Those parts of the Bible were just cut out and became part of the Gnostic Gospels.

      Apr 7, 2009 at 7:58 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.5   fantasy bang

      ….is the unitard now to be known as the sacred garment?

      You know, like Morman unerwear?

      Apr 7, 2009 at 8:11 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #9   mamason bang

    If somebody stole my Klondike Bars, I’d have to go Old Testament on his ass! :evil:

    Apr 7, 2009 at 1:53 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   Grimfool_Reluctant bang

      You can “Job” me anytime!

      Apr 7, 2009 at 2:22 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.2   mamason bang

      I was thinking more along the lines of Sampson and Delilah. I could cut your hair in the sink and then the soldiers could gouge out your eyes but we’d have to do it quietly, for fucks sake.

      Apr 7, 2009 at 4:02 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.3   Grimfool_Reluctant bang

      Just for clarification . . . exactly which part must we do quietly? I mean, I’m usually quiet when my lover is snipping my locks, but when her countrymen start gouging my eyes out, I’m prone to cause a bit of a passive/aggressive fuss. I may even leave a note. In Comic Sans, no less.

      Apr 7, 2009 at 5:58 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.4   Grimfool_Reluctant bang

      And, just for clarification . . . for fuck’s sake is just about the only reason I’ve ever done anything since I was 17.

      Apr 7, 2009 at 6:00 am   rating: 19  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.5   fantasy bang

      ….don’t look back Grim, you will become a pillar of salt!

      Keep your eyes on the future and all the Lords heavenly forgiveness.

      Apr 7, 2009 at 8:14 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.6   DearJane

      Yes, keep your eyes on the prize, and in this case, it’s a heavenly, freaking delectable Klondike bar….

      Apr 7, 2009 at 9:10 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #10   Allison

    not tears… I think the writer gleeked all over the page because his damn mouth was watering so bad for the damn ice cream bar!
    Oh crap heaven help me I’ve cursed in the presence of my Lord… but this article is all about forgiveness …right??

    Apr 7, 2009 at 1:55 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #11   VB

    If I take the bars and everyone forgives me anyway.. then what does it matter? And do they have anything good to wash them down with?

    Apr 7, 2009 at 1:59 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #12   Joanna

    …and the Lord did look upon the pilfered Klondike bar in Tennessee, that land which He had forgotten, except those areas upon which He did gracefully bestow the Chick Fil-A, and he did Rage Wrathfully against he who hath the frozen treat.

    Seriously, though, stay out of Tennessee. There’s nothing for you there.

    Apr 7, 2009 at 2:10 am   rating: 21  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   Joanna

      Oh, ass. I forgot to capitalize one of the pronouns. Now God’s really gonna be pissed.

      Apr 7, 2009 at 2:19 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.2   mamason bang

      Go and sin no more.

      Apr 7, 2009 at 2:24 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #13   Grimfool_Reluctant bang

    I think I recognize the font used . . . that’s “Times New Holy Roman”, right?

    Apr 7, 2009 at 2:31 am   rating: 26  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   aaa

      Wouldn’t that make it more German than anything else?

      Apr 7, 2009 at 8:00 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #14   Forgiven?

    The note-writer says TWICE that he/she forgives the person who took the Klondike Bar… But I don’t generally write MY sincere notes of forgiveness in caps lock.

    YES JANE IT’S ALL RIGHT THAT YOU SLEPT WITH MY BOYFRIEND. I FORGIVE YOU. REALLY. WE’RE STILL FRIENDS. REALLY…

    Apr 7, 2009 at 3:01 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   Grimfool_Reluctant bang

      Look . . . there are sluttish girlfriends, and there are Heath Bar Klondikes. Keep your priorities in order!
      And if you mix your priorities, you’re Kanye West (“I’d do anything for a blond dyke”).
      Kanye did not, as far as I know, use all caps.

      Apr 7, 2009 at 6:03 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.2   Sirius bang

      Piss him off, and he’ll put all caps in your ass!

      Apr 7, 2009 at 12:43 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.3   mamason bang

      Kanye West doesn’t care about white people.

      Apr 7, 2009 at 1:11 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #15   barbaraxmanatee

    I do not know who created this poorly-written attempt at a passive-aggressive note, but God does!!!!!!!!!! If you already belong to him, He will forgive you if you ask Him. Again, so do I……

    Apr 7, 2009 at 3:01 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   KatieMB

      I dunno, God will forgive fo stealing a Klondike bar but do we know how fogiving he is about
      witing a P-A note?

      Apr 7, 2009 at 6:18 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.2   KatieMB

      Hopes God is forgiving for typos. Sheesh!

      *must learn to not type before consuming coffee*

      Apr 7, 2009 at 6:21 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #16   Jessica

    The use of the color red makes it more passive-aggressive since it’s subtly telling them they are going to HELL!!

    Apr 7, 2009 at 3:01 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   TheOldSchool bang

      Nicely observed. I hope the thief thinks to bring along his Klondikes in an igloo cooler. He could make a bundle selling them to the locals. It’s a license to steal.

      Apr 7, 2009 at 3:14 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #17   park rose

    Looks like the blood of Christ got spilled whilst that note was being written.
    Drink ye all of it;
    For this is my blood of the new testament, which is shed for many for the remission of sins
    .
    Drink it, don’t dip your nib in it!

    Apr 7, 2009 at 4:39 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   Grimfool_Reluctant bang

      Wherever my lips go, my nib goes.

      Apr 7, 2009 at 6:05 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.2   fantasy bang

      …can you reach your nib with your lips?

      All I can say is WOW!

      Apr 7, 2009 at 8:26 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.3   mamason bang

      don’t you mean, SHAMWOW?!

      Apr 7, 2009 at 11:55 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.4   Mishee™ bang

      I mean SLAPCHOP!

      Apr 7, 2009 at 12:02 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.5   anglophile bang

      Nothing like truth in advertising. First we are alerted to the bogus nature of the product with the name SHAMwow, and then we are alerted to Vince’s violent tendencies with the SLAPchop.

      Apr 7, 2009 at 12:14 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.6   Mishee™ bang

      Hell, if a hooker had my tongue in a tooth hold and wouldn’t let go, I’d SLAPchop that bitch too.

      I don’t blame him at all.

      But one has to wonder, why would Vince, the SHAMWow guy, have to pay for sex?

      You’d think he would be SLAPchopping the girls away at the door!!

      Apr 7, 2009 at 12:30 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #18   ShanBus

    It’s so good, it’s almost sacrelicious…..

    Apr 7, 2009 at 4:44 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #19   park rose

    Myrtle:
    What’s that…? You want me to receive Christ as my own personal trainer? Well Lord knows, those Klondike bars sure pack the weight on. Why not? If I fall off the treadmill, He’s sure to forgive me.

    Apr 7, 2009 at 4:56 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #20   KatieMB

    I’m not so sure God will forgive for the Heath Bar Klondike Bar theft. I mean, he’s supposedly a forgiving man – forgiving murder, rape and burgling… but this is a Heath Bar Klondike Bar we’re talking about!

    Apr 7, 2009 at 6:29 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #21   DirtyOldLady bang

    Boy, reading this early in the morning, while I’m still bleary-eyed and waiting for the caffeine to kick in… I mean, I realized that there’s (hopefully) no such thing as a Klondike health bar, but if there were and I had some, I really would be glad if someone stole them. :D So my first reading of the note went more like “I don’t know who stole my health bar Klondike bars, but thank God!” :D

    And then I realized it didn’t say that at all. I’m sure that Jesus will forgive me for thinking my version was funnier. :D

    Apr 7, 2009 at 6:51 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

     
  • #22   nick bang

    I didn’t have time to read all the comments, but did anyone say …”the Heath Klondike Bars were fucking delicious!”?

    Apr 7, 2009 at 7:48 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #22.1   claw71 bang

      You lose. Good day to you, sir.

      Apr 7, 2009 at 9:32 am   rating: 24  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #23   anglophile bang

    This seems to be a good time to vent my frustration and anger about Klondike bars. Have you had any recently? They are no longer the thickly coated, nearly-cube-shaped chunks of deliciousness they once were. In a misguided attempt to either cut the price or cut the calories, the Klondike bar people have turned something that was at once decadent and fucking delicious into a pale imitation of itself by thinning down both the ice cream and the coating. Now they are just Eskimo Pies without the stick and not worth my while to deal with the mess it makes while I’m eating it, as it does not completely satisfy me. Bastards.

    I’m glad I got that off my chest, I feel better now.

    Apr 7, 2009 at 7:51 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #23.1   claw71 bang

      Are you sure there’s nothing else you’d like to get off your chest? Like that shirt?

      Also, you might try the frozen ice cream Snickers bars. Those are good. The minis come in a convenient box that sits in the door of your freezer and they feature a higher choclate to ice cream ration than the larger bars.

      Apr 7, 2009 at 9:32 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.2   anglophile bang

      Claw, I’m a single, multiple-cat-owning, knitting, nearly-40 woman from Wisconsin.

      Do you really think there’s an ice cream novelty I haven’t tried?

      The Snickers bars are pretty good. So are the Dove mini bars.

      Apr 7, 2009 at 10:21 am   rating: 20  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.3   claw71 bang

      Do your cats stare at you when you’re eating those Dove bars? My cat does, but she doesn’t ever want any. I offer and she acts like I’m trying to set her whiskers on fire. She just glares at me with contempt, thinking to herself: Eating again, fat boy? Is that really what you need right now? God, you disgust me. I can’t believe I let you stay in my pride. How am I supposed to rule the world when my person is a butterball like you? I think I’m going to rub my ass on your lips when you’re sleeping tonight. That’s what I’ll do. See if we can give you a tape worm and melt those extra pounds away.

      Apr 7, 2009 at 11:03 am   rating: 38  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.4   anglophile bang

      No, my cats basically ignore me and avoid eye-contact at all times. That seems to happen to me a lot.

      Apr 7, 2009 at 11:15 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.5   claw71 bang

      So they’ve pretty much washed their paws of you.
      I guess I’m lucky. I still merit contempt. People without cats won’t understand but when you’re owned by a cat you take attention anyway you can get it. Sweet validation! Bailey despises me.

      Apr 7, 2009 at 11:22 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.6   Monkey Speaks

      Hmm. I’m more of a mickey mouse chocolate coated ice-cream bar.

      At least I was… back when they were special and you could only get them at disney. Now every gas station sells them.

      Nevermind. I hate chocolate coated mickey mouse ice-cream bars.

      Apr 7, 2009 at 1:01 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #24   amy d bang

    * cut to scene of the typical image of hell, flames of fire licking the walls, demons milling about. Cut to close up of two humans. *

    Damned #1: So, I finally got tired of her yelling in my face. I mean, this argument had been raging for nearly 2 hours and I…..I guess I just lost my mind for a minute. I just wanted silence. The next thing I remember is staring into her blue face with my hands wrapped around her neck. My fingers were stiff from how hard I had been clenching them. I got the death penalty and well, that’s how I ended up here. I deserve it. So, what’s your story?

    Damned #2: I stole a Klondike Heath Bar. It totally wasn’t worth it.

    Apr 7, 2009 at 8:17 am   rating: 41  small thumbs up

     
  • #25   Resident Grammarian esq bang

    That’s why I’m Catholic. I can steal all the Klondike bars I want and then go to confession after. I’m sure that’s how that works. It comes with the added bonus of ignoring notes like this: “Meh that was probably written by a heretic.”

    Apr 7, 2009 at 8:35 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #25.1   Monkey Speaks

      Im a Jew – we are the chosen peoples. I can steal a Klondike bar and not have to worry about forgiveness.

      Apr 7, 2009 at 1:02 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.2   claw71 bang

      Not the new bacon berry blast flavor. Keep kosher, Monkey.

      Apr 7, 2009 at 1:10 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #26   GhostWriter bang

    I would have taken the retired Charles Babbage much more seriously if he had called them (Heath Klondike) Bars.

    That’s just basic algebra.

    Apr 7, 2009 at 9:20 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #27   claw71 bang

    God (shouting as he opens a hall closet): Holy Mother of Me! Who put all thesse prayers for absolution in here.

    *nobody answers*

    God: Jesus?

    *nobody answers*

    God: Jesus H. Christ!!!! You’d better answer me when I call you, me dammit!

    Jesus (shuffling in sheepishly): Yeah, pops?

    God: Do you have any idea where these prayers of absolution came from?

    Jesus (looking at his feet): nope.

    God: Swear to me?

    Jesus: *mumble*

    God: For your sake, son, speak up!

    Jesus (sighing): I put them there.

    God: But they’re unanswered! Jesus, Jesus, how many times do we have to go over this? You’re the redeemer! You have to answer these prayers.

    Jesus: They’re stupid, pops. They’re a waste of me time. I’m the king of kings, and these people,me-fucking-me,they’re so–so–trivial.

    God: No prayer is trivial, son. We’ve made promises to—

    Jesus (cutting him off): Have you read them?

    God: That’s not the point.

    Jesus: You dammit! have you read them?

    God: Well…

    Jesus (pulling one of the prayers out of the stack): Look at this! Look at it!!! It’s preposterous. It’s a Klondike bar! A you damned Klondike bar!. Are you telling me that’s worth my time?

    God: What’s a Klondike bar? Is that a place where lesbians drink? Because I’ll strike it down. I will smite them, I swear to me I will.

    Jesus: Calm down pops, it’s not like S/G, don’t get carried away. Again. A Klondike bar is an ice cream treat. It’s vanilla ice cream dipped in chocolate.

    God: Oooh, it sounds wonderful. I do love chocolate. Almost as much as I love knocking up virgins. (turning his attention to a convent) OOh you sweet thing, my staff will comfort you, honey. Just swing your big ass ’round this way….

    Jesus: POPS!

    God: Sorry. But I’d turn a mother fucker into a pillar of salt for one of those things.

    Jesus: Usually people pay about four bucks for an six pack of them.

    God: Me damn. Too bad the economy’s in the tank again. Tithes are way down.

    Jesus: Well, you have me up here forgiving all these sins for free, why tithe?

    God: You’re right, Jesus, We need to start putting the fear of me into these hairless monkeys again. Let me see that note.

    Jesus: What are you going to do?

    God: I’m going to rain fire down on that Klondike thief.

    Jesus: Why not the idiot who sent us the prayer?

    God: Oh, I’ve got other plans for them. Remember what I did to Job?

    Jesus: You damn! That’s some biblical shit there, pops.

    God: Word!.

    Apr 7, 2009 at 9:23 am   rating: 49  small thumbs up

    • #27.1   anglophile bang

      A you damned Klondike bar!

      :lol:

      Apr 7, 2009 at 10:09 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.2   Homer J

      Ummm? BORING.

      Apr 7, 2009 at 10:12 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.3   mamason bang

      Why yes, HJ. Yes you are.

      Apr 7, 2009 at 12:03 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #28   GhostWriter bang

    Jesus said to his disciples, “The Kingdom of God is like a Heath Bar Klondike Bar. From the outside, it seems cold, dark and rough, difficult to penetrate, but as you draw it closer to your heart, it becomes easier to access, and soon you are eating it up, swallowing the whole thing.”

    Apr 7, 2009 at 9:33 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #28.1   Meesh

      *penetrate*

      Apr 7, 2009 at 1:11 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #29   lawrenceofarabia

    This is a lovely note. I love how it wanders off into forgiveness, and how you can be forgiven, oh even if you are already forgiven, and ya, ok if you are already forgiven then uh, I love you too, and … well, Jesus is nice… Basically if you have accepted Jesus, the world is your Klondike bar!

    Apr 7, 2009 at 9:35 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

     
  • #30   GhostWriter bang

    No need to invoke the Savior for this mystery; Encyclopedia Brown would finger the culprit by noticing the little Heath Bar bits stuck in his dentures.

    Apr 7, 2009 at 10:14 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #30.1   Mishee™ bang

      and later he would finger Sally.

      Just for the hell of it.

      Apr 7, 2009 at 10:26 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #30.2   claw71 bang

      For some reason, I think that Sally’s the one who’d be doing the fingering in that relationship. EB’s a smart cookie, but he has “cuckold” written all over him.

      Apr 7, 2009 at 10:54 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #30.3   mamason bang

      *I hope they use the Purell when they’re done*

      Apr 7, 2009 at 12:05 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #30.4   Sirius bang

      Hind sanitizer?

      Apr 7, 2009 at 12:49 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #31   Hellbound Alleee

    Because GOD HAS NOTHING BETTER TO DO than watch out for Klondike Bars.

    Apr 7, 2009 at 10:27 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #31.1   claw71 bang

      That and watching me like a hawk whenever I felt like jerking off.

      Mom: That’s been 15 minutes! What are you doing in the shower?

      Me: Ummm—washing the soap out of my eyes—yeah, that’s the ticket.

      Mom: Well, just remember that GOD is watching you. He’s up there in heaven with Gramma, Pappa and Uncle Ray and they’re all watching you. Oh, I hope you’re not doing anything dirty in there. I’ll pray for your soul.

      Apr 7, 2009 at 11:09 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #31.2   Goldie

      Meantime, GOD, Gramma, Pappa and Uncle Ray are all up in heaven having laffs at Claw’s expense.

      Gramma: Oh, my! When is this child gonna meet a nice girl already?

      Uncle Ray: Fat chance! With this tiny little thing?

      Pappa: Hey, he didn’t get that from me. Must be his mother’s side.

      GOD: Amen to that!

      (heavenly high-fives all around)

      Apr 7, 2009 at 11:32 am   rating: 22  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #32   riskatstake bang

    Jesus wants you to burglarize the fridge and take the klondike bar because he, like many of us, also loves the word burgle.

    Apr 7, 2009 at 11:05 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #33   Melanie

    Uh, comment fail. Nothing to see here.

    Apr 7, 2009 at 11:26 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #34   Goldie

    Um, that was not a Klondike bar.

    One of the nurses found it sitting on the note-writer’s nightstand, picked it up gingerly with rubber gloves, flushed it, and sanitized the nightstand with Purell.

    She didn’t say anything to the note writer, because he’d forget in two minutes anyway.

    Apr 7, 2009 at 11:37 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #35   octavius

    XI. iii. “Yea and yea again”, saith the prophet, thou hast raised up thine Heath Bar Klondike Bar as a false idol in the face of the Lord.

    XI. iv. Woe betide thee, ye of little faith, He shall smite thy Rest Home and thy Walking Frames shall be as Jello and thy Depends as a pit of flaming serpents.

    Apr 7, 2009 at 12:00 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #36   oi!

    ok so, she gives me only two options: I will be forgiven either I receive Christ as my savior or I already have Christ as a savior. but what if Buddha is my savior? than Christ won’t forgive and neither does she?
    The bar was filthily divine.

    Apr 7, 2009 at 12:18 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #37   Monkey Speaks

    Im surprised no one has commented on that special “Word Art” used for the headline that only comes from one who is proficient in Microsoft Word

    Apr 7, 2009 at 1:03 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     

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