Joanna from San Diego spotted this beauty in the public kitchen at her grandparents’ retirement home in Chattanooga, Tennessee. Writes Joanna: “I love it because it combines passive-aggressiveness with religious sanctimony. Delicious!”
related: no, He uses vaseline
103 responses so far ↓
#1
Paige
The way the last line trails off makes it sound like a threat to me. I don’t take kindly to threats…..
Apr 7, 2009 at 1:12 am rating: 10
#2
mamason
And Jesus wept.
Apr 7, 2009 at 1:29 am rating: 31
#3
mamason
It’s just like the Bible. All of Jesus’ words are in red!
Apr 7, 2009 at 1:30 am rating: 37
#4
mamason
Forgive me Father for I have sinned but those klondike bars were…
frozen delicacies!
Apr 7, 2009 at 1:35 am rating: 43
#5
aaa
What would I do for a Klondike bar? I certainly wouldn’t incur the wrath of Jesus for one.
Apr 7, 2009 at 1:35 am rating: 23
#6
dingoatemybaby
I asked God if he ate them, and he said they were f***ing delicious! I wonder if He also knows where the odd socks are.
I also love how the weird WordArt at the top makes your eyes go funny. Maybe it puts a pox on them! I love this style of PAN, the implication of forgiveness is there – but so is the implication of retribution!
Apr 7, 2009 at 1:35 am rating: 2
#7
leftfoot
The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.
Maybe it was a test by god and I’m guessing they failed.
Apr 7, 2009 at 1:37 am rating: 14
#8
Grimfool_Reluctant
And again I say unto you, it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle, than for a Klondike bar to last through the night in this hellhole of a retirement home!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That’s 13 exclamation points, representing our personal saviour and his 12 fucking disciples!
Apr 7, 2009 at 1:46 am rating: 24
#9
mamason
If somebody stole my Klondike Bars, I’d have to go Old Testament on his ass!
Apr 7, 2009 at 1:53 am rating: 7
#10
Allison
not tears… I think the writer gleeked all over the page because his damn mouth was watering so bad for the damn ice cream bar!
Oh crap heaven help me I’ve cursed in the presence of my Lord… but this article is all about forgiveness …right??
Apr 7, 2009 at 1:55 am rating: 1
#11
VB
If I take the bars and everyone forgives me anyway.. then what does it matter? And do they have anything good to wash them down with?
Apr 7, 2009 at 1:59 am rating: 5
#12
Joanna
…and the Lord did look upon the pilfered Klondike bar in Tennessee, that land which He had forgotten, except those areas upon which He did gracefully bestow the Chick Fil-A, and he did Rage Wrathfully against he who hath the frozen treat.
Seriously, though, stay out of Tennessee. There’s nothing for you there.
Apr 7, 2009 at 2:10 am rating: 21
#13
Grimfool_Reluctant
I think I recognize the font used . . . that’s “Times New Holy Roman”, right?
Apr 7, 2009 at 2:31 am rating: 26
#14
Forgiven?
The note-writer says TWICE that he/she forgives the person who took the Klondike Bar… But I don’t generally write MY sincere notes of forgiveness in caps lock.
YES JANE IT’S ALL RIGHT THAT YOU SLEPT WITH MY BOYFRIEND. I FORGIVE YOU. REALLY. WE’RE STILL FRIENDS. REALLY…
Apr 7, 2009 at 3:01 am rating: 12
#15
barbaraxmanatee
I do not know who created this poorly-written attempt at a passive-aggressive note, but God does!!!!!!!!!! If you already belong to him, He will forgive you if you ask Him. Again, so do I……
Apr 7, 2009 at 3:01 am rating: 1
#16
Jessica
The use of the color red makes it more passive-aggressive since it’s subtly telling them they are going to HELL!!
Apr 7, 2009 at 3:01 am rating: 5
#17
park rose
Looks like the blood of Christ got spilled whilst that note was being written.
Drink ye all of it;
For this is my blood of the new testament, which is shed for many for the remission of sins.
Drink it, don’t dip your nib in it!
Apr 7, 2009 at 4:39 am rating: 3
#18
ShanBus
It’s so good, it’s almost sacrelicious…..
Apr 7, 2009 at 4:44 am rating: 4
#19
park rose
Myrtle:
What’s that…? You want me to receive Christ as my own personal trainer? Well Lord knows, those Klondike bars sure pack the weight on. Why not? If I fall off the treadmill, He’s sure to forgive me.
Apr 7, 2009 at 4:56 am rating: 6
#20
KatieMB
I’m not so sure God will forgive for the Heath Bar Klondike Bar theft. I mean, he’s supposedly a forgiving man – forgiving murder, rape and burgling… but this is a Heath Bar Klondike Bar we’re talking about!
Apr 7, 2009 at 6:29 am rating: 1
#21
DirtyOldLady
Boy, reading this early in the morning, while I’m still bleary-eyed and waiting for the caffeine to kick in… I mean, I realized that there’s (hopefully) no such thing as a Klondike health bar, but if there were and I had some, I really would be glad if someone stole them.
So my first reading of the note went more like “I don’t know who stole my health bar Klondike bars, but thank God!” 
And then I realized it didn’t say that at all. I’m sure that Jesus will forgive me for thinking my version was funnier.
Apr 7, 2009 at 6:51 am rating: 8
#22
nick
I didn’t have time to read all the comments, but did anyone say …”the Heath Klondike Bars were fucking delicious!”?
Apr 7, 2009 at 7:48 am rating: 1
#23
anglophile
This seems to be a good time to vent my frustration and anger about Klondike bars. Have you had any recently? They are no longer the thickly coated, nearly-cube-shaped chunks of deliciousness they once were. In a misguided attempt to either cut the price or cut the calories, the Klondike bar people have turned something that was at once decadent and fucking delicious into a pale imitation of itself by thinning down both the ice cream and the coating. Now they are just Eskimo Pies without the stick and not worth my while to deal with the mess it makes while I’m eating it, as it does not completely satisfy me. Bastards.
I’m glad I got that off my chest, I feel better now.
Apr 7, 2009 at 7:51 am rating: 15
#24
amy d
* cut to scene of the typical image of hell, flames of fire licking the walls, demons milling about. Cut to close up of two humans. *
Damned #1: So, I finally got tired of her yelling in my face. I mean, this argument had been raging for nearly 2 hours and I…..I guess I just lost my mind for a minute. I just wanted silence. The next thing I remember is staring into her blue face with my hands wrapped around her neck. My fingers were stiff from how hard I had been clenching them. I got the death penalty and well, that’s how I ended up here. I deserve it. So, what’s your story?
Damned #2: I stole a Klondike Heath Bar. It totally wasn’t worth it.
Apr 7, 2009 at 8:17 am rating: 41
#25
Resident Grammarian esq
That’s why I’m Catholic. I can steal all the Klondike bars I want and then go to confession after. I’m sure that’s how that works. It comes with the added bonus of ignoring notes like this: “Meh that was probably written by a heretic.”
Apr 7, 2009 at 8:35 am rating: 8
#26
GhostWriter
I would have taken the retired Charles Babbage much more seriously if he had called them (Heath Klondike) Bars.
That’s just basic algebra.
Apr 7, 2009 at 9:20 am rating: 1
#27
claw71
God (shouting as he opens a hall closet): Holy Mother of Me! Who put all thesse prayers for absolution in here.
*nobody answers*
God: Jesus?
*nobody answers*
God: Jesus H. Christ!!!! You’d better answer me when I call you, me dammit!
Jesus (shuffling in sheepishly): Yeah, pops?
God: Do you have any idea where these prayers of absolution came from?
Jesus (looking at his feet): nope.
God: Swear to me?
Jesus: *mumble*
God: For your sake, son, speak up!
Jesus (sighing): I put them there.
God: But they’re unanswered! Jesus, Jesus, how many times do we have to go over this? You’re the redeemer! You have to answer these prayers.
Jesus: They’re stupid, pops. They’re a waste of me time. I’m the king of kings, and these people,me-fucking-me,they’re so–so–trivial.
God: No prayer is trivial, son. We’ve made promises to—
Jesus (cutting him off): Have you read them?
God: That’s not the point.
Jesus: You dammit! have you read them?
God: Well…
Jesus (pulling one of the prayers out of the stack): Look at this! Look at it!!! It’s preposterous. It’s a Klondike bar! A you damned Klondike bar!. Are you telling me that’s worth my time?
God: What’s a Klondike bar? Is that a place where lesbians drink? Because I’ll strike it down. I will smite them, I swear to me I will.
Jesus: Calm down pops, it’s not like S/G, don’t get carried away. Again. A Klondike bar is an ice cream treat. It’s vanilla ice cream dipped in chocolate.
God: Oooh, it sounds wonderful. I do love chocolate. Almost as much as I love knocking up virgins. (turning his attention to a convent) OOh you sweet thing, my staff will comfort you, honey. Just swing your big ass ’round this way….
Jesus: POPS!
God: Sorry. But I’d turn a mother fucker into a pillar of salt for one of those things.
Jesus: Usually people pay about four bucks for an six pack of them.
God: Me damn. Too bad the economy’s in the tank again. Tithes are way down.
Jesus: Well, you have me up here forgiving all these sins for free, why tithe?
God: You’re right, Jesus, We need to start putting the fear of me into these hairless monkeys again. Let me see that note.
Jesus: What are you going to do?
God: I’m going to rain fire down on that Klondike thief.
Jesus: Why not the idiot who sent us the prayer?
God: Oh, I’ve got other plans for them. Remember what I did to Job?
Jesus: You damn! That’s some biblical shit there, pops.
God: Word!.
Apr 7, 2009 at 9:23 am rating: 49
#28
GhostWriter
Jesus said to his disciples, “The Kingdom of God is like a Heath Bar Klondike Bar. From the outside, it seems cold, dark and rough, difficult to penetrate, but as you draw it closer to your heart, it becomes easier to access, and soon you are eating it up, swallowing the whole thing.”
Apr 7, 2009 at 9:33 am rating: 6
#29
lawrenceofarabia
This is a lovely note. I love how it wanders off into forgiveness, and how you can be forgiven, oh even if you are already forgiven, and ya, ok if you are already forgiven then uh, I love you too, and … well, Jesus is nice… Basically if you have accepted Jesus, the world is your Klondike bar!
Apr 7, 2009 at 9:35 am rating: 8
#30
GhostWriter
No need to invoke the Savior for this mystery; Encyclopedia Brown would finger the culprit by noticing the little Heath Bar bits stuck in his dentures.
Apr 7, 2009 at 10:14 am rating: 2
#31
Hellbound Alleee
Because GOD HAS NOTHING BETTER TO DO than watch out for Klondike Bars.
Apr 7, 2009 at 10:27 am rating: 5
#32
riskatstake
Jesus wants you to burglarize the fridge and take the klondike bar because he, like many of us, also loves the word burgle.
Apr 7, 2009 at 11:05 am rating: 6
#33
Melanie
Uh, comment fail. Nothing to see here.
Apr 7, 2009 at 11:26 am rating: 2
#34
Goldie
Um, that was not a Klondike bar.
One of the nurses found it sitting on the note-writer’s nightstand, picked it up gingerly with rubber gloves, flushed it, and sanitized the nightstand with Purell.
She didn’t say anything to the note writer, because he’d forget in two minutes anyway.
Apr 7, 2009 at 11:37 am rating: 4
#35
octavius
XI. iii. “Yea and yea again”, saith the prophet, thou hast raised up thine Heath Bar Klondike Bar as a false idol in the face of the Lord.
XI. iv. Woe betide thee, ye of little faith, He shall smite thy Rest Home and thy Walking Frames shall be as Jello and thy Depends as a pit of flaming serpents.
Apr 7, 2009 at 12:00 pm rating: 6
#36
oi!
ok so, she gives me only two options: I will be forgiven either I receive Christ as my savior or I already have Christ as a savior. but what if Buddha is my savior? than Christ won’t forgive and neither does she?
The bar was filthily divine.
Apr 7, 2009 at 12:18 pm rating: 1
#37
Monkey Speaks
Im surprised no one has commented on that special “Word Art” used for the headline that only comes from one who is proficient in Microsoft Word
Apr 7, 2009 at 1:03 pm rating: 3
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