Two words: missing tarantula.
related: Just one question
FILED UNDER: office · roommates · stealing
Four words: Kerry’s on acid again.
Apr 10, 2009 at 7:28 pm rating: 1
And right before Easter….
We’d better hide the handheld shower nozzle.
Apr 10, 2009 at 7:31 pm rating: 1
It’s nice when she’s pleased, but does she have to let the whole city hear about it?
And the water bill!
Apr 10, 2009 at 7:33 pm rating: 3
Replying to your own message? Two words . . . “fucking” is one of them, but “delicious” is not the other. Patience, old school, patience!
Apr 10, 2009 at 7:54 pm rating: 18
I’m excitable. I’ll admit it. But I rebound quickly. You’ll see!*
*Well, you WOULD have seen, if you hadn’t fallen asleep within six hours of round one.
Apr 10, 2009 at 8:33 pm rating: 3
Yeah, but round one with you feels just like rounds 5, 9 and 15.
See? Others will play if you wait!
Apr 10, 2009 at 8:39 pm rating: 4
And (replying to my own post) I have to wait six hous after round one? You ARE a magnificent partner (just in case you’ve never heard that before).
Apr 10, 2009 at 8:41 pm rating: 2
The first sign would have been more effective if “Find Me” had been written on the inside of the glass… backwards.
Apr 10, 2009 at 7:29 pm rating: 55
Wade, this may be a game to you, but for the tarantula it’s a matter of life and death. Why tip off The Man?
Apr 10, 2009 at 7:37 pm rating: 5
Eight times (arachnids being ambidextrous).
Apr 10, 2009 at 7:41 pm rating: 12
Tarantulas are renowned as taunters, TOS.
Apr 10, 2009 at 7:43 pm rating: 4
PR, you’re technically correct, but their handwriting is much neater from the left side.
(It’s way too little kiddish from the right.)
Apr 10, 2009 at 7:49 pm rating: 4
2.3: Wade, don’t think for a secod that I don’t know it.
You should hear some of the hurtful comments they’ve directed my way.
Criticizing EVERYTHING. My trousers. My playlists.
And they never want a refill when I make the coffee.
But they’ll guzzle the shit down when it comes from anyone else. (Not that I notice, such things, mind you.)
Apr 10, 2009 at 7:57 pm rating: 4
Men seldom make passes at girls who don’t wear mascara.
Apr 10, 2009 at 7:34 pm rating: 11
Glo, that’s just cute.
Apr 10, 2009 at 8:51 pm rating: 1
Just speaking from experience, Grim.
Apr 10, 2009 at 8:54 pm rating: 1
My goddess (wife) wears NO makeup. I completely worship her, and that’s one of the reasons.
Apr 10, 2009 at 9:01 pm rating: 15
Now that’s just cute.
Apr 10, 2009 at 9:32 pm rating: 6
Make-up don’t make brown eyes green, ‘Glo.
I’d toss passes your way all game…if I were Brett Favre I’d get some play too!
Apr 11, 2009 at 3:00 am rating: 1
It was Letty Cottin Pogrebin who said, “boys don’t make passes at female smartasses.”
Apr 11, 2009 at 3:10 am rating: 4
I don’t get the title.
Today being the day it is, I would totally do 2/3 of these things. I’d pass on the first because it would end up being me cleaning the lipstick off the glass and that sounds icky.
Apr 10, 2009 at 7:40 pm rating: 1
Apr 10, 2009 at 7:43 pm rating: 15
Glo is a witch!
Apr 10, 2009 at 8:01 pm rating: 5
Apr 10, 2009 at 8:03 pm rating: 1
Nah, TOS. I don’t practice any religion.
Apr 10, 2009 at 8:05 pm rating: 2
Me neither, glo.
(Wait…. Masturbation: it’s just a rite, not a religion, right?)
Apr 10, 2009 at 8:26 pm rating: 7
Just be careful that it doesn’t become an obsession TOS and use the Purell when you’re done, for fuck’s sake!
Apr 11, 2009 at 2:00 am rating: 4
Masturbation, like driving, is not a rite (sic)…it’s a privilege!
Apr 11, 2009 at 3:06 am rating: 3
And if done too fast…quite frightening.
Apr 11, 2009 at 12:09 pm rating: 2
Mamason, it’s a catch 22. I think of you warning me and it makes me want to stop, but then I picture you warning me, and the unicycle starts riding itself.
M-rilla2: that’s why I think it’s always wrong to try to bring Captain Picard up to warp speed in a dry forest. It’s sheerly out of consideration for others that I choose to live near a rain forest.
Apr 12, 2009 at 1:29 am rating: 2
You know, I’m impressed with the author of the first note. There is no way I could have written that neatly while standing on a chair and constantly craning my neck to check that the tarantula wasn’t crawling up my back.
Apr 10, 2009 at 7:40 pm rating: 43
Glo, I’m not impressed by the author’s note.
First, if a guy’s tarantula is missing, he should be scrambling to find it, not digging around in the art supplies drawer for a terrarium pen.
Second, there have been a sign there all along that read: WARNING: TARANTULA.
I don’t this gentleman has his priorties in the proper order. Brave? Maybe. Considerate? No.
Apr 12, 2009 at 1:19 am rating: 2
First of all, the tarantula owner didn’t write the note. His scared shitless roomie did.
Second of all. ‘Glo clearly means that to have the patience and presence of mind to sit and calmly write a note, in a space where there just may me a tarantula crawling about, makes her skin crawl.
Chair standing and screaming at the top of her lungs may have been foremost on her mind, not English composition…that and the neck craning for creepers.
Watch your back, ‘Glo…there are creepy crawlies on the loose up in this mother!!!!
Apr 12, 2009 at 7:14 am rating: 1
It could be worse, I guess, CB. It could be a missing scorpion or a missing *shudder* crab of some sort.
Apr 12, 2009 at 8:28 am rating: 1
“That was a lovely Easter dinner blessing, Grandpa. Now who’s ready for some tarantula salad with mascara dressing?”
Apr 10, 2009 at 7:41 pm rating: 14
See? I thumbed you for that one. Patience!
Apr 10, 2009 at 8:00 pm rating: 2
Did we get married in Vegas a while back? If you ask me to “check the door first,” I’ll know for sure that you’ve finally tracked me down.
“I can explain. A friend lost his tarantula… One thing lead to another. The years went by. I missed you, terribly, obviously, but…..someone…a guy!…. told me you were…. dead!
“But, look! You’re not. Good news, right? Well, you’re lookin’ the same — good!”
Apr 10, 2009 at 8:16 pm rating: 3
Apr 10, 2009 at 8:29 pm rating: 1
Good. You’re not. I can relax.
Apr 10, 2009 at 8:35 pm rating: 2
Again, huh? HUH?
Apr 10, 2009 at 8:44 pm rating: 1
First, my name’s not Patience. Second, watch where you’re poking that thumb, buster!
Apr 10, 2009 at 8:45 pm rating: 3
Huh? (I’m relunctant, but also persistent).
Apr 10, 2009 at 8:54 pm rating: 3
Chooses to edit.
Apr 10, 2009 at 9:03 pm rating: 2
Apr 10, 2009 at 9:28 pm rating: 1
Bernd das Brot
Why would anyone want to replace salmon salad? Just the thought makes me shudder.
Apr 10, 2009 at 7:45 pm rating: 5
I thought it was a fund to replace a lost copy of Rushdie’s The Salad Verses.
Apr 10, 2009 at 7:48 pm rating: 9
The Salman Saleed fund! (going slightly tangential here).
I see where you got that.
Well, after what they did to him at Guantanamo, there’s more than a few bits and pieces of him in dire need of replacement.
Apr 10, 2009 at 8:29 pm rating: 5
Voluntarily exiled to an air-tight Tupperware container ever since the issuing of the Soggy Lettuce Fatwa, Salman Rushdie found his life sadly hermetic, and filled with more than enough time to ponder the wisdom of publishing the controversial Salad Verses.
Apr 11, 2009 at 1:01 am rating: 5
I think the “lingerie” in the title was just a trick to get me to check out this ho-hum PAN entry.
And, you know what. IT WORKED.
It will ALWAYS work. Show me your panties, I’ll look. Just mention your panties, I’ll look. That’s just who I am.
Apr 10, 2009 at 7:58 pm rating: 3
How about bras?
Apr 10, 2009 at 8:03 pm rating: 2
Mmmmmm . . . braaaaassssss . . . they cover titties! Sure, I’ll peek at your tittie tents!
Apr 10, 2009 at 8:13 pm rating: 0
What about soil-resistant slacks?
Apr 10, 2009 at 8:19 pm rating: 3
Hey, if slacks fit your definition of lingerie . . .
Apr 10, 2009 at 8:33 pm rating: 2
Please don’t tell me you’ve never bedded a woman wearing crotchless slacks and a peek-a-boo pinstriped oxford shirt with button down collars?
It’s called “takin’ care of business.”
Apr 10, 2009 at 8:42 pm rating: 7
If the slacks fit, wear them.
Apr 10, 2009 at 8:43 pm rating: 4
Something’s wrong with me . . . whenever I hear the word “slacks” I immediately think “Hagar”.
Can we please, please, PLEASE get back to panties? What color are your panties? (Old School, please don’t reply.)
Apr 10, 2009 at 8:47 pm rating: 2
And if the slit flacks, be careful.
Apr 10, 2009 at 8:48 pm rating: 5
Purple. I was feeling whimsical this morning.
Apr 10, 2009 at 8:55 pm rating: 2
Or passionate. It being the weekend it is. Purple is the colour of penance and martyrdom, according to Google. Thanks for showing me how to work that
Apr 10, 2009 at 8:58 pm rating: 3
Purple … who’s whimsical? Is he happy?
Apr 10, 2009 at 9:04 pm rating: 1
(Old School, please don’t reply.)
For the purpose not wanting to in any way impede the potential development of a panty fantasy thread, GR, I’ll assume that you’re addressing me, and, given that fact, I just wanted you to know that I’ll be lurking silently in the hedge next to the driveway.
There aren’t any spiders in there, are there? Give me a second to double check…..
OK. I’m ready. Continue. Locked and loaded.
Poised at the ready.
The eagle’s here and landed already.
Apr 10, 2009 at 9:06 pm rating: 3
Apr 10, 2009 at 9:09 pm rating: 1
I can’t check my color from this position, guys. I’m going to have to offer everyone a rain check, on this go around.
What I can tell you is that they’re most certainly boxer briefs, or boxers made with the briefs-style fabric for guaranteed easier access.
I’d love to be able to go commando, but there is such a thing as too much freedom.
Apr 10, 2009 at 9:14 pm rating: 3
But, Glo, even tho you had to check . . . purple! Waaaaaa . . . .
Apr 10, 2009 at 9:14 pm rating: 0
I just realize that remark may have seemed insensitive to two separate groups of men and women for whom, as most everyone knows, I happen to hold in the highest esteem.
Yes, I talking about those fine people who make up the “currently-incarcerated-community.”
“Hey guys. Word. I know that you would gladly exchange your incarceration for freedom. BUT YOU CONVICTED CRIMINALS ARE NOT MY BALLS, AND YOU’RE NOT MY PENIS! The package stays where it is — in LOCK-DOWN!
“Now for the other group. The commandos. The Ram…beaus.
“What’s that? Oh….You think I’m supposed to impressed that you’re an ex-seal?
“I hate to break this to you, Goober, but I was raised by a family of self-sufficient otters.
“We were driving green hybrid jet skis, fueled entirely from seal blubber and carbon credit coupons while you sissies were still struggling to read Rimbaud in the original French and jerkin your gherkins at the truly revelatory homoerotic photos by Mapplethorpe, that accompanied the poems in the coffee-table-priced edition.
“While I admire your saucy insouciance, I’ll have to confess that Mr. Armstrong unconstrained could result in my be held liable for reckless endangerment.
“I know it’s nuts, but we’re a litigous society.
“There’s no sense in beating ourselves up about it. Especially not on Easter’s Eve, Eve.”
Q) What’s Grimfool up to?
A) Probably to his neck in panties, I’ll bet.
Apr 10, 2009 at 10:08 pm rating: 2
Again . . . huh????Are there Cliff Notes to TOS?
Apr 10, 2009 at 10:29 pm rating: 3
But yes, up to my neck in panties . . . because, after exercising (it’s already Saturday morning here, so I’m ALWAYS ahead of you), I’m doing the laundry.
Yes, ladies, The Grim doesn’t clean the bathroom, but he does the laundry (and washes the dishes, if that makes you hot).
Old School, you know too much about Rimbaud and Mapplethorpe and prison life. We read between the lines here.
Between exercise breaks and PAN breaks, I’m grading Korean university student’s forays into essay writing. Don’t pity me — they’re much better at staying on-topic than some of you (note: TOS).
Apr 10, 2009 at 10:37 pm rating: 5
Sorry, Grimfool, but I’ve got my integrity. I won’t bone a teacher just to get a better grade. (Especially one who is teaching a class I’m not taking.)
Get one of the Korean Kids to sit on your lap and talk to you about whatever pops up.
Cliff Notes told me that he would possibly consider offering quick hand relief (a skimmer) if it was reciprocated by an enthusiastic letter of recommendation to a more prestigous university.
Finally, I’ll note that Cliff’s small hands are smooth, ladylike, and surprisingly strong yet supple.
Five Stars. Two thumbs way up.
Apr 10, 2009 at 11:36 pm rating: 3
Apr 11, 2009 at 1:06 am rating: 0
By the way, PAN goddess, I recognize the Dorothy Parker quote, but I hastily add . . . Dorothy Parker? Really?
Apr 10, 2009 at 8:50 pm rating: 1
The second goddess. What’s wrong with Dorothy Parker
Apr 10, 2009 at 8:57 pm rating: 5
Well . . . I just think she’s overblown. There are wittier, more recent American women around. (And you’re one of them!) The Algonquin Club? Really? Let’s quote H.L Mencken and Harpo Marx!
Apr 10, 2009 at 9:07 pm rating: 0
I know, the Bible is so old school! (coincidental reference TOS ). I don’t know why we bother.
I’m not American. But thanks for the compliment anyway. How about Groucho? And Mae West? I still think their one (or two, or three) liners are zingers.
*Goes off to google H.L. Mencken*
Apr 10, 2009 at 9:13 pm rating: 1
Sorry . . . forgot you were antipodeal! And also sorrry . . . nothing against Dot Parker (a distant relative) but I’m grading a batch of essays now, and I JUST SO FUCKING TIRED of tired quotes!
“To be or not to be” . . . yeah, I get it! But, describing the current economic crisis? Is The Old School one of my students?????
Apr 10, 2009 at 9:25 pm rating: 1
“I’m tired of Love; I’m still more tired of Rhyme. But money gives me pleasure all the time.”
“I was tired of being a woman,tired of the spoons and the pots,tired of my mouth and my breasts, tired of the cosmetics and the silks.”
“Tired of being of loved, he wants to be feared. ”
“Yaaaawn. I’m kinda tired. Maybe I’ll write someone a love letter with my mayonnaise pen, and then hit the sack. Oh no. I don’t have any stamps. That’s OK. I’m feeling kinda carpal-tunnelly anyway. Good Friday? Hardly! How about the Best Friday EVER! (So far.)”
TheOldSchool (April 10, 2009)
Apr 11, 2009 at 12:04 am rating: 2
Did someone mention my name?
Apr 11, 2009 at 12:19 am rating: 3
Hey, fuck you, I love HL Mencken. OK, he’s a little out of date, and it’s not the 1920s anymore, but dammit, he’s clever.
Apr 11, 2009 at 3:16 am rating: 2
“Find it!” could be the genesis of the world’s best scavenger hunt. Here’s hoping.
Apr 10, 2009 at 9:24 pm rating: 1
And “fuck it” could be the genesis of the world’s best orgy. Here’s hoping.
Apr 10, 2009 at 9:31 pm rating: 6
And “forget it” could be the end this 10.x thread. Here’s hoping.
Apr 10, 2009 at 11:39 pm rating: 6
Again, ;you get my thumb.You’r3 SO GOOD at incisive!
Apr 11, 2009 at 1:10 am rating: 0
I don’t wear make-up, either. (Most of the time.)
Apr 11, 2009 at 5:14 pm rating: 3
you suck at craigslist
Little known fact: “Find it, Keep it, Salmon Salad Replacement Fund” were actually the original lyrics to Daft Punk’s “Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger”.
Apr 11, 2009 at 12:09 am rating: 26
Now THAT’s clever!
Apr 11, 2009 at 7:22 pm rating: 0
When you install Speed Lingerie accessories onto your vehicle, you can barely see them unless you inspect them closely. Eldon Lingerie
Apr 11, 2009 at 2:41 am rating: 0
That “Find it!” regarding a tarantula (in bold red) makes me hear the theme music from the Mission Impossible TV series.
♫ dum-dum-dumdum, dum-dum-dumdum, dum-dum-dumdum, dum-dum-dumdum… ♫
Apr 11, 2009 at 3:17 am rating: 1
Your mission, should you choose to accept it…
Apr 11, 2009 at 6:16 pm rating: 2
I’ll pass on this mission thanks!!
Apr 12, 2009 at 10:52 pm rating: 0
I look at that makeup case like I would look at an alien spaceship. I have no idea what that stuff is. It’s so nice to be a man.
Apr 11, 2009 at 3:18 am rating: 2
You really may want to reconsider your taste in cosmetics if you live with a make-up thief who only finds one item worth pilfering.
Apr 11, 2009 at 3:23 am rating: 7
So what’s in the blue tube? That looks like mascara to me. Because I wouldn’t want the mascara back either, considering that’s likely a guaranteed eye infection for me.
Also, I’m at a loss. For some reason I don’t get most of the jokes on this thread and I feel really uncool now. Fail.
Apr 11, 2009 at 1:27 pm rating: 1
It’s OK, Annie. Your high geek factor balances everything out nicely.
*at least that what my mom always told me… I mean about me, not you because my mom doesn’t even know you, does she? That would be so weird if you did know my mom, but then you’d probably need therapy too. *
What were we talking about?
Apr 11, 2009 at 6:24 pm rating: 4
My eternal quest
Was Mr. Einstein good enough for his mom?
Apr 11, 2009 at 9:39 pm rating: 0
Wait…. Did Einstein sleep with his mother?
Maybe his little relativity spiel isn’t so theoretical, afterall.
Apr 12, 2009 at 1:04 am rating: 4
My geek bones are a little higher than my mother’s:
they’re a pair of little horn-shaped bumps on top of my head.
Apr 12, 2009 at 1:10 am rating: 2
Apr 12, 2009 at 1:39 pm rating: 0
That first picture is very effective if you are like me and find tarantulas a spooky housepet. *shudders*
I NEVER want to come home to that!
Apr 11, 2009 at 3:05 pm rating: 0
I don’t know trantuala’s aren’t venomous are they? i would be more scared of a venomous spider. You could always arrive home to a worse scenario
Apr 12, 2009 at 10:37 am rating: 0
According to Wikipedia, the most reliable form of information available to mankind, “Most tarantulas are harmless to humans, and some species are popular in the exotic pet trade. Some species, while not known to have ever produced human fatalities, have venom that can produce extreme discomfort over a period of several days.”
I could not, however find any information on the “trantuala.” This elusive creature may be in the same cryptozoological fantasy realm as the chupacabra but I will none the less continue my investigation and report back with any findings.
Apr 12, 2009 at 1:55 pm rating: 4
Well, all spiders are venomous … but no, Tarantula venom isn’t fatal to humans and the house pet ones are often de-fanged. If it was big enough and the right type … the pet gerbils might be missing though. But venomous or not … it wouldn’t be something I would want to find in bed in the morning
Apr 12, 2009 at 2:03 pm rating: 1
That’s not what you said last night.
Apr 12, 2009 at 4:16 pm rating: 0
Although I can see how aracnophobes might disagree
Apr 12, 2009 at 10:47 am rating: 1
EERac-nophobes all agree…
Apr 12, 2009 at 1:57 pm rating: 1
…no, I really couldn’t foresee any worse “coming home to” scenario at this point. The apartment a smoking ruin with my valuables inside would be preferable. I’d even sacrifice the skinny roommate.
Apr 16, 2009 at 12:14 am rating: 0
I have pet cockroaches. You have to be doing something stupid (i.e. leaving open the lid/putting them in an improperly secured enclosure) for your pet creepy-crawlies to escape.
Apr 12, 2009 at 10:24 pm rating: 1
I actually think the tarantula wrote this note… tauntingly.. In blood.
Your roomate/dog/mother-in-law is now missing. Can you find it????
Apr 12, 2009 at 10:55 pm rating: 6
The mascara-theft note is too funny. I can only imagine the borrower trying to sneak the mascara back into the bag before they’re caught…only to find…THE P-A NOTE OF DOOM! Also, impressive handwriting for such a small piece of paper.
Apr 14, 2009 at 10:51 am rating: 3
yeah the mascara note is too funny – i love when people get creative with note placement.
Apr 14, 2009 at 11:39 am rating: 1
Jesus H. Christ. If there was a tarantula in my apartment at all, let alone a missing one, I would move. I would probably leave most of my stuff behind in the race to get the fuck out of there as fast as I could.
Arachnids are not pets. Mammals are pets.
Apr 16, 2009 at 12:08 am rating: 1
Apr 16, 2009 at 12:11 am rating: 0
Blossom Showers Agro Exports Pvt. is a manufacturer, supplier and exporter of Gherkins like Burr Gherkins, Acidic Gherkins, Cucumber Gherkins, Bottled Gherkins and Processed Gherkins etc. in India.
Dec 16, 2009 at 5:16 am rating: 0
— The Beast Among Us
2011: The Top Notes of the Year
2010: The Funniest Notes of the Year
2009: The Best Notes of the Year
2008: Your Favorite Notes of the Year
Carnivores: keep being awesome!
actually totally reasonable
a little patronizing
clip art catastrophe
flowers, trees, houseplants & gardens
landlords and property managers
Moms & Dads
more aggressive than passive
most popular notes of 2010
most popular notes of 2011
most popular notes of 2012
most popular notes of 2013
now that's management
sex sex sex
signed with love
spelling and grammar police
thanks (but not really)
unnecessary "quotation marks"
You call that punctuation?