A day in the life of a crank

April 15th, 2009 · 172 comments

What to do after you’ve already written your daily letters to the editor, congressman and the local weatherman and you’ve still got hours to go before the early bird buffet? Well, you turn to the classifieds!

Dear gar. sale persons: if you just put out signs, you would have no "early birds." Why advert. in Chronicle then say no early? Don't advert. there. Just put out signs. They'll come - but later. Wear earplugs.

related: Cloudy with a chance of hate mail

FILED UNDER: awk abbrev · comma diarrhea · excessive underlining · garage sale · Houston · old folks · unsolicited feedback · You call that punctuation?


172 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Mishee™ bang

    And why, praytell, must I wear earplugs?

    I only get swimmer’s ear when I go in the pool!

    Apr 15, 2009 at 2:10 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   Quite Contrary

      yes, why?

      Apr 15, 2009 at 2:14 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.2   Goldie

      You go in the pool?? Tsk, tsk. At least I hope it’s just #1.

      Apr 15, 2009 at 5:42 pm   rating: 24  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.3   MAMARILLA2 bang

      The writer is giving sound advice. If you wear ear plugs you will prevent the onset of hearing aids from listening to F***ing assholes.

      Apr 16, 2009 at 2:38 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   Mishee™ bang

    This was the letter written right before the one posted: I am disgusted with the way old people are depicted on television. We are not all vibrant, fun-loving sex maniacs. Many of us are bitter, resentful individuals, who remember the good old days when entertainment was bland and inoffensive.

    Apr 15, 2009 at 2:13 pm   rating: 62  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   unholyghost2003 bang

      except of course that said old person is remembering wrong. Entertainment was bland, but VERY offensive ‘All In The Family’ ‘Sanford And Son’ ‘Chico And The Man’ with a what what.

      Apr 15, 2009 at 2:50 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.2   Cat Skyfire

      If I’m not mistaken, that’s Abe Simpson being quoted…

      Apr 15, 2009 at 4:04 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.3   unholyghost2003 bang

      No doubt, since it IS Mishee … I just enjoy the irony of it …

      Apr 15, 2009 at 4:08 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.4   Mishee™ bang

      There was irony there?

      Wow.

      Apr 15, 2009 at 4:18 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.5   Isuck

      Wow, you’re not funny at all. I feel like Mishee is the retarded kid that always wants to play with the other kids.

      Apr 15, 2009 at 4:48 pm   rating: 20  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.6   mamason bang

      Hey, at least you’re right about one thing… you do suck. Fucking mouth-breather.

      Apr 15, 2009 at 5:01 pm   rating: 27  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.7   unholyghost2003 bang

      Mishee weaves a subtle humor over time. While I would admit that probably 80% of her jokes/comments are not funny as stand alones, as part of a greater tapestry of jocularity they, and she, are extremely funny. so neener neener neener.

      Apr 15, 2009 at 5:14 pm   rating: 34  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.8   Bunnee

      “Jocularity” is a great word, along the lines of “burgle”…

      Apr 15, 2009 at 5:22 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.9   Geek Goddess

      All the jocularity went out of my day when I arrived home to find that my house had been burgled.

      Apr 15, 2009 at 5:32 pm   rating: 21  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.10   Mr. Anon Mouse

      I’ve heard this before. Where did you “borrow” it from?

      Apr 15, 2009 at 11:09 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.11   TheOldSchool bang

      B & GG: If I had my way, “festooned” would be included, as well.

      Apr 16, 2009 at 12:12 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.12   TheOldSchool bang

      Mamason,

      Careful, girl. Remember: for a mouthbreather –sucking = survival. His name choice is saying to the rest of us: IChooseToLive.

      He must not live in Seattle, because if he did, his very existence would be imperiled every time he looked up to the sky.

      Just another RDMB* rotting in the city mogue.

      *Rain-Drowned-Mouth-Breather

      Apr 16, 2009 at 12:45 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.13   TheOldSchool bang

      Did it just get hot in here?

      Apr 16, 2009 at 12:49 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.14   mamason bang

      It’s virtually steamy in here!

      Apr 16, 2009 at 2:01 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.15   TheOldSchool bang

      Hard to see….I’ll just have to feel my way around….

      Apr 16, 2009 at 2:18 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.16   TheOldSchool bang

      Maybe I’ll probe over here….

      Apr 16, 2009 at 2:26 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.17   sarcastic monkey

      Humor died in this thread pretty quickly…

      Apr 16, 2009 at 10:49 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.18   Mishee™ bang

      There was humor there?

      Wow.

      Apr 16, 2009 at 11:06 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.19   TheOldSchool bang

      sarky: oh…..uh….. yeah. don’t know what…why ….

      it just rubbed up against something and boom…love honey ….. all over.

      it …..normally lasts….much much ….longer…..

      Apr 16, 2009 at 11:10 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.20   aaa

      a) I’m glad to see that our latest troll is back to attempt to harass us.

      b) I’m disappointed that our latest troll decided to crap out after only one comment.

      Apr 16, 2009 at 11:25 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.21   anglophile bang

      I’m still waiting for gradstudent to come back and tell us what grade he got on his paper.

      Apr 16, 2009 at 11:34 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.22   aaa

      He’s probably either a 17-year-old kid who’s on the verge of flunking out of high school or is a 40-year-old who dropped out of college after a semester and a half. So there is no paper, only constant, painful reminders of failure and inadequacy.

      Apr 16, 2009 at 11:53 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.23   GhostWriter bang

      You know who’s missing from a note like this? WHITEBLIZZARD70! He probably gets his fine jewelry for Ebay sales from garage sales (at 5:45am).

      Apr 16, 2009 at 3:39 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.24   aaa

      Although WHITEBLIZZARD70 had some rather prolific trolling for one post, he didn’t seem t0 want to grace us with his presence afterward. *snort* Typical, huh? Although to be fair, it’s not as if he promised to be mutually exclusive with us.

      Apr 16, 2009 at 6:15 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.25   jelloegg bang

      @2.11:
      “The tree was festooned with bladders”…?

      Apr 22, 2009 at 11:15 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #3   anglophile bang

    Early birds pay double!

    :)

    Apr 15, 2009 at 2:15 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   DearJane

      post script on the note “anyone who decides to be the early bird runs the risk of seeing my dad in his short robe. You have been warned” :shock:

      Apr 16, 2009 at 12:05 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.2   Bunnee

      The early bird observes “the worm”, so to speak?

      Apr 16, 2009 at 3:46 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.3   DearJane

      Yes, unless your dad is Ron Jeremy. Then it would be “early bird is stunned by hedgehog”

      Apr 17, 2009 at 9:01 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   phil

    ‘wear earplugs’

    sounds like an ominous threat to me…

    Apr 15, 2009 at 2:16 pm   rating: 21  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   oi!

      Why she chose to underline random letters?
      May be it is not so random.
      Frequently Sent Hatemail is on it’s way and being sensitive she is, she warned you ahead of time.

      Apr 15, 2009 at 2:48 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.2   Brunogirl

      The (seemingly randomly underlined) F, S & H are there to illustrate the intended response of the recipient: ‘finally, some hatemail! :)’.

      I think the letter writer’s powers of prognostication are a little off this time.

      edit:Oh damn! I totally didn’t see oi!’s comments. That’s what happens when you multitask while commenting at work… Sorry

      Apr 16, 2009 at 3:41 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   aaa

    Because there’s such a huge damn difference between an ad in the paper saying “no early birds” and a sign saying “no early birds”? Or do they not want them to put out a sign until the exact second they’re ready to have the garage sale? Although in my experience, the second it looks like you’re selling shit, old people will come and buy a shit ton of your crappy, unwanted stuff for their grandchildren.

    Apr 15, 2009 at 2:18 pm   rating: 20  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   Mishee™ bang

      My favorite troll – I think the point letter writer is trying to make is that if you put the signs out right before you are ready to open, then nobody knows about the sale until its gonna happen, so hence, there will be no early birds.

      You can thank me later.

      Apr 15, 2009 at 2:19 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.2   aaa

      Ah, I killed your comment with my edit. BWAHAHA!

      Apr 15, 2009 at 2:22 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.3   Mishee™ bang

      No sock for you Dobby.

      That’s what I get to paying attention to your posts and answering your questions before your edit time has run out.

      I have learned my lesson.

      Apr 15, 2009 at 2:26 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.4   aaa

      *sigh* Honestly now, do you truly find it appropriate to taunt me with socklessness every time I thwart you?

      EDIT: I suppose I should wait for your edit time to run out, too. :/

      Apr 15, 2009 at 2:28 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.5   anglophile bang

      Mishee, elf ≠ troll

      You make baby Harry cry.

      :cry:

      Apr 16, 2009 at 11:37 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.6   aaa

      troll > elf

      Dobby should be glad that he was chosen to be upgraded.

      Apr 16, 2009 at 12:29 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.7   Mishee™ bang

      *sigh*

      Apr 16, 2009 at 1:04 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   Mishee™ bang

    I guess the question on everyone’s mind is…

    Who in the hell still advertises in a newspaper??

    I thought all the newspapers were going out of business anyways…

    Apr 15, 2009 at 2:18 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

     
  • #7   marlo

    ITAWTOP. Obvi totes awkw abbreves!

    Apr 15, 2009 at 2:19 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   Jennifer

      “Advert” is Brit slang for advertisement the way we Yanks use “Ad” for advertisements.

      Apr 15, 2009 at 3:16 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.2   ryanmalloy

      Come on, even the Tommies would not say “Don’t advertisement there”.

      Maybe it is an American vs. British English problem nonetheless: Possibly the writer was not sure if they should use “advertise” or “advertize” .

      edit: come to think about it, advertise is probably one of those words even the Tommies don’t end in “-ize”

      Apr 15, 2009 at 3:44 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.3   Bunnee

      I think you’re giving the writer too much credit. He probably didn’t know how to spell either variation, as evidenced by the fact he abbreviated “garage”!

      Apr 15, 2009 at 3:49 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #8   aaa

    This is why we need a Resident Graphologist. I’m sure they’d be able to tell us something more insightful and in-depth about the letter-writer than “This dude’s a fucking nutter.”

    Apr 15, 2009 at 2:26 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   Geek Goddess

      I think “This dude’s a fucking nutter” actually sums it all up quite nicely. What more do we really need?

      Apr 15, 2009 at 5:12 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.2   aaa

      Well, the details give me an excuse to continue procrastinating on studying for my test tomorrow. And it’s really quite fascinating how many unique ways somebody can say “This dude’s a fucking nutter.”

      Apr 15, 2009 at 6:32 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.3   Your Daddy

      The little knob at the end of an insect’s antenna?

      It’s called a “capitulum.”

      (But, you’ll need to fetch me my calipers, if you want to know it’s diameter.)

      Third drawer down. Next to the panties.

      Apr 15, 2009 at 10:09 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #9   C

    The LW is so cocky, just because he got a Ph.D in Selling Used Shit from UPenn.

    Apr 15, 2009 at 2:30 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #10   Melissa

    I’d be bitter and cranky too if my name was Wear Earplugs.

    Apr 15, 2009 at 2:38 pm   rating: 65  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   Andy

      Aw, Melissa. How did I not see this comment?

      *crushed*

      Apr 15, 2009 at 3:18 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.2   Andy

      … aaaaand that.

      Ok, I’m done.

      Apr 15, 2009 at 3:20 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.3   Bunnee

      Melissa, maybe it’s his Indian–oops–Native American name?

      Apr 15, 2009 at 3:50 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.4   Pees-On-Bush

      We prefer First People Bunnee. :razz:
      I know Wears Earplugs he is good person but the brain is gone on long canoe trip but missed a portage if you get my meaning.

      Apr 15, 2009 at 4:09 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.5   Bunnee

      Your First Person name is excellent! May I ask, was Shits-on-Bush already taken?

      Apr 15, 2009 at 5:27 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.6   Geek Goddess

      If it is a First Person name, shouldn’t it be I-Pee-On-Bush?

      Apr 15, 2009 at 5:38 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.7   crackjob

      Wouldn’t it be Pees-On-Bush-Pees-On-Bush? Or, no wait… that’s a Third Person name.

      Who WERE the Third People, anyway? 1) Aboriginals, 2) Europeans, 3) … horses?

      Apr 15, 2009 at 6:01 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.8   DearJane

      At least he got away with ‘wear earplugs’ as a monniker, unlike his unfortunate older brother ‘turn the fucking volume down’ smith

      Apr 16, 2009 at 12:10 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #11   unholyghost2003 bang

    dollars to doughnuts old dude read the ad and showed up at the butt crack of dawn to get “the good stuff” and was then turned away as being too early.

    Apr 15, 2009 at 2:44 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   ClearlyDemented

      This is how I visualize this note came to be:

      Old woman, rejected after ringing a doorbell for an extended period of time at 5:00 a.m., goes back to her car and re-reads the advert. Realizing that it says ‘no early’, she immediately uses an irrational rage to squelch her feelings of embarrassment and shame. She then pens this letter. While zipping to the nearest PO, she realizes the perfect comeback to ‘What the fuck are you ringing my doorbell for at 5 o’clock in the morning?’ Wear earplugs, MF-er, wear earplugs. She thinks about how burned this man will be when he opens this letter and reads that great line as she waits three hours for the PO to open.

      Apr 15, 2009 at 3:23 pm   rating: 38  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.2   Andy

      Old people are cheap enough to habitually steal sugar and ketchup packets. You can rest assured that postage was eliminated and this letter was simply placed directly into the recipient’s mailbox after it was angrily scrawled in response to the door being slammed in her face when she was looking for the sale at the ripe old hour of 5 AM.

      weav ear plugs. Then next time you won’t hear her knocking.

      Apr 15, 2009 at 3:29 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.3   DearJane

      weave ear plugs? I don’t think I can crochet something that small… are they as effective as the regular plastic ones? (feels assured that Andy is going to slap her now…)

      Apr 16, 2009 at 12:13 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.4   RP

      I bet you could if you used crochet thread.

      Apr 21, 2009 at 2:20 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #12   ClearlyDemented

    I’m having a hard time believing this note came in the mail, since it has no creases in it.

    But given that, this is possibly the best note ever. I especially like how the note writer doesn’t have the time to write out advertise.

    Apr 15, 2009 at 2:45 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   unholyghost2003 bang

      could be a page off a small note pad, it might be actual size or slightly bigger on your computer screen.

      Apr 15, 2009 at 2:47 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.2   ClearlyDemented

      I suppose it could be.

      *shuffling away, head held down in defeat*

      Apr 15, 2009 at 2:56 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.3   unholyghost2003 bang

      awww ClearlyDemented. It is O.K. just be careful about calling out the notes as fake. You have an AWESOME Word! of the Day though. Take pride in that :)

      Apr 15, 2009 at 3:03 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.4   ClearlyDemented

      *sniff*

      Thanks, Unholyghost2003! I feel much better now. And I honestly would’ve never seen that had you not pointed it out.

      Apr 15, 2009 at 3:48 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.5   Ballsonhooki

      Yes, Congrats on the Word! CD.

      Apr 15, 2009 at 4:16 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #13   Wade bang

    “They’ll come… but later.”

    Maybe the person putting out the signs is a desperate housewife.

    Apr 15, 2009 at 2:47 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   Bunnee

      “They’ll come… but later”–the original meaning behind delayed gratification.

      Apr 15, 2009 at 3:53 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #14   lightspeed

    How could you possibly respond to the old person’s haggling efforts over the $0.50 sweater if you are wearing earplugs?

    Come to think of it…

    Apr 15, 2009 at 2:58 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #15   Andy

    Dear Weav Earplugs:

    I’ll advertise where ever the fuck I want.

    - G.S. Persons

    PS. What the hell kind of a name is Weav Earplugs?!

    Apr 15, 2009 at 3:11 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   Andy

      Ahh, gently massaged into form after only 5 measly edits.

      Apr 15, 2009 at 3:16 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.2   Andy

      And two on that.

      Apr 15, 2009 at 3:16 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.3   Andy

      And that.

      Apr 15, 2009 at 3:17 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.4   Andy

      … and that.

      Apr 15, 2009 at 3:17 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #16   kt

    i wonder what this “eavly bird” is…perhaps she is afriad they will come in the evening.

    Apr 15, 2009 at 3:25 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   tinkerbell2

      ‘Afriad’? Don’t throw stones in your glass house, kt..

      Apr 16, 2009 at 11:35 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #17   cTo

    God i love the random underlining. the random emphasis, its like William Shatner is dictating the letter.

    Apr 15, 2009 at 3:34 pm   rating: 39  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   Sulu

      For the W.S. reference a +infinity!

      Apr 15, 2009 at 4:18 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #18   The Riel One

    Funny. I thought Lou Dobbs’ day job kept him too busy to do crap like this….

    Apr 15, 2009 at 3:39 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   Sarah

      Funny I thought Rush was too busy directing the GOP to take part in crap like this…

      Apr 15, 2009 at 4:23 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #19   QuarterRoy00 bang

    What are these “newspapers” you speak of?

    Apr 15, 2009 at 3:40 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #20   GhostWriter bang

    The final clue is, “They’ll come- but later, wear earplugs.

    It’s not a Garage Sale, it’s a Garage Band!

    Apr 15, 2009 at 4:37 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

     
  • #21   secondsout bang

    I haven’t been to a garage sale in my entire life, but I almost want to stage one as a social experiment. I want to see what sort of person shows up at a garage sale at 5am to make sure you get the good junk before the other 5am losers. I would guess it to be even weirder than spending a half hour at the DMV.

    Apr 15, 2009 at 5:20 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #21.1   Mishee™ bang

      Well sout, especially where you live…

      that’s where we store all the freaky-freakies…

      Apr 15, 2009 at 5:29 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #22   Jall-apeno

    Well, in the lore of professional garage sale trawlers, “Early birds” or “Earlies”, as Grammy used to say, referred not to people who showed up early, but rather the distasteful types that proper white folk just didn’t want showing up. In Grammy’s day, she and her ilk used to hate the Greeks showing up and touching everything with their shiny, olive oil-infused fingers, and filling the air with the scent of roasted lamb and hummus. At the same time these were the people digging their ditches and shoveling their coal so they didn’t want to offend them directly. Since they always showed up before going to their laborious day jobs, Grammy and her friends nicknamed them “earlies”.

    Fast forward and I think that this note was written by one of the few remaining pro garage sale trawlers left in America, one who is clearly confused by the use of the term ‘early bird’. To this person, and since it is Texas, an “early bird” is clearly a smelly, illegal Mexican and NOT someone who shows up to get dibs on the good stuff. No, to this writer it is crazy to place an add in the paper letting the “earlies” know about the sale and then in the same add say “no earlies”.

    The note writer knows that by just using signs, those backwards “earlies” will have a tough time finding the sale whereas the rich white folks’ll find it quicker than quick in their fancy cars. But beware, the note writer hints, when the “earlies” do finally get there they will be angry and they will make a lot of noise – braying donkeys, oversized guitars playing God knows what, etc – so the recommendation to “wear earplugs” while terse, was actually a nice gesture.

    Apr 15, 2009 at 7:35 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #23   Canthz_B bang

    Retired sign-painters are an ornery lot.

    Apr 15, 2009 at 9:50 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #24   Jenn

    Regarding the mysterious “wear earplugs” ending to the note — here’s my theory. The author is trying to become famous like the columnist who wrote “wear sunscreen” (remember it got turned into a song?), so he’s adding it to the end of all his correspondences, hoping it’ll catch on.

    Wear condoms.

    Apr 15, 2009 at 11:12 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #24.1   claw71 bang

      The earplugs are for when the early birds show up. It’s horrible. There are people out there who live for yard sales. It doesn’t matter if you refrain from taking out an ad and wait until you’re open for business to put up the sign. There are people who can sense that you’re getting stuff sorted the night before and they will knock on your door at 5:30 in the morning to try but up anything of marginal value for a dime on the dollar.

      Apr 16, 2009 at 10:35 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #25   Canthz_B bang

    I didn’t know they did hair plugs using “weav”s now.
    That must be what they mean by “blended technologies”.
    I suppose that’s what I’ve been seeing in the ears of older Gents.
    It must be all the rage…and here I thought all along that it was just a gross byproduct of aging!

    Apr 16, 2009 at 1:33 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #25.1   claw71 bang

      I bet you see a lot of ear hair out there in Arizona. Ear hair and the distinct outline of testicles divided by the middle seam of sansabelt slacks.

      The irony is those old coots will sit there with their pants pulled up to their chests and ear hair flitting on the breeze bitching about kids with saggy pants and several days worth of stubble.

      I’m not into the saggy pants but given my choice between nut-huggers and plumber’s crack I’ve got to say yes to crack. Ear hair wouldn’t be so bad if those geezers would comb the globs of wax out of their tufts once in a while.

      Apr 16, 2009 at 10:43 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.2   ashmeadow

      I always say yes to crack. Who wants to give up some good crack?

      Apr 17, 2009 at 12:17 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #26   Julie

    My mother must be the only person who posted hours of operation in her annual garage sale ads. It is easier to say “10-6″ than to say “no early birds” which for many people probably translates in their minds to “I HATE OLD PEOPLE”.

    Apr 16, 2009 at 9:42 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #26.1   you suck at craigslist

      Sadly, saying “10-6″ really doesn’t stop the people who knock on your door at 7:30 am. Trust me.

      Apr 16, 2009 at 11:08 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.2   claw71 bang

      That’s why there’s a sign on my door that says: NAKED TIME 8:pm-9:30am

      I know, curiosity might compell them to knock anyway, which is why I have sample pictures up. Trust me, nobody wants to see Dom Deluise and Liza Minelli naked.

      Apr 16, 2009 at 12:24 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #27   claw71 bang

    And the sign said yard sale freaky people need to wait ’til nine
    so I walked right past and looked at their stuff and listened to them whine
    They said you can’t shop this early, what’s wrong with you
    So I kicked their dog and said yeah take that, you fat lazy jew!

    Whoa..Signs signs yard sale signs,
    Selling junky furniture,
    and dusty window blinds
    A dime for this and buck for that
    can’t you read the sign?

    The sign said garage sale friday, please come on by
    so I rented a truck and backed up to the house much to their delight
    I took out a saw and sledge hammer, that drew their chagrin
    I want your garage, put it on the truck. I don’t want to be late for dinner.

    Signs signs, stupid sale signs
    making false promises, telling silly lies
    Buy this, don’t touch that
    can’t you read the signs?

    And the sign said you can buy these baseball cards if the price is right. HUH!

    The sign said church chinese auction come in and buy crap today
    But they didn’t have chinks in the banquet hall so I didn’t spend my money that day
    But I picked up a pen and a paper and I made up my own little sign
    I said don’t buy ads in the weekly. Just put up a cheap little sign.

    Apr 16, 2009 at 10:31 am   rating: 20  small thumbs up

    • #27.1   TheOldSchool bang

      Thanks, Claw, for making me FINALLY seek the answer to a stupid trivia question that was creeping around the enpty corridors of my mind for far too long. Another minor demon slayed.

      Five Man Electrical Band.

      Apr 16, 2009 at 11:22 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.2   TheOldSchool bang

      UNSOLICITED ADVICE FOR POP BANDS:

      If you want to be remembered, if you must write more than one hit song, write at least three or four of them.

      With just Nne, you’ll be included immortalized in all the one-hit wonder anthologies.

      With Two, you’ll be lucky to make wikipedia.

      Apr 16, 2009 at 11:40 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.3   Mark bang

      Tone Loc = two-hit wonder.

      Two very musically (?) similar hits.

      Apr 16, 2009 at 11:44 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.4   claw71 bang

      Obviously you’re referring to Funky Cold Medina and Wild Thing and as far as top 40 goes those were his biggest hits however, he did have a number of other songs that got some major airplay on RB stations back in the day. Not exactly chart toppers, but Billboard has always struggled when it comes to measuring the popularity of the urban contemporary genre.

      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tone_L%C5%8Dc
      Actually my favorite LOC song is a really funky groove called Cheeba Cheeba

      Apr 16, 2009 at 12:18 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.5   Mishee™ bang

      Greg Kihn hosts the morning show on the classic rock radio station here in the Bay Area.

      He refers to himself as a “One and a half hit wonder”

      He’s pretty much right.

      Apr 16, 2009 at 1:00 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.6   TheOldSchool bang

      Mishee,

      I think Mr. Kihn is either intentionally precating*, or just sadly deluding himself regarding the popularity of one and a half songs in his regrettable oeuvre.

      * I googled this word to see if it meant the opposite of deprecating. It doesn’t. But, I was taken to a site that had this tidbit:

      *************************************

      Keep in mind the following:

      #1 The Greg Kihn Band *will* be honored.
      #2 A GKB song does *not* add any functionality.
      #3 We can safely remove the non GKB songs from any playlist interface (the source for most
      deprecation warnings).
      #4 We are moving toward replacing the songs by all other artists with those written and played by the GKB and/or its components.* We will implement these procedures slowly, so as not to needlessly alarm alert listeners.

      * Huey Lewis and the News

      Apr 16, 2009 at 1:47 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.7   claw71 bang

      I’ve always wondered, what is the bigger sin: to be a one-hit wonder who pours all his creative talent into a single smash hit, or to be a successful recording artist over a span of several songs only to flame out in a fit of ego-induced tinkering?

      In other words…is it better to be Greg Kihn or Billy Squire?

      Apr 16, 2009 at 2:57 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.8   GhostWriter bang

      I hereby award you five points for the lyrical interpretation: “I don’t want to be late for dinner

      Having seen Billy play “Lonely is the Night” live, can attest that he is the better one. There is simply no way Greg could have topped him.

      Apr 16, 2009 at 3:27 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #28   bald outing

    lol sounds like that guy is a bitter bitter early bird.

    Apr 16, 2009 at 11:15 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #28.1   TheOldSchool bang

      Maybe he just had a bald whore day.

      Apr 16, 2009 at 1:50 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #29   Sam

    unfortunately, though, that’s not always good.

    my boyfriend always cums – but later.

    Apr 16, 2009 at 12:29 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #29.1   TheOldSchool bang

      “usually with an anoymous stranger,” Sam added, somewhat forlornly.

      Apr 16, 2009 at 12:55 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.2   TheOldSchool bang

      anoNymous

      Apr 16, 2009 at 12:58 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.3   Sam

      I suppose that’d be better (even though it’s not true) than, say, my own sister or something, right?

      Apr 16, 2009 at 2:07 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.4   TheOldSchool bang

      Sam,

      You’re right that doing strangers would be better than doing your sister. (Trust me, it is. She’s not hopeless, but she needs to just let go of whatever it is that keeps her from releasing the primal animal that lurks within. With another session, I could help her, but I’m fairly booked up at present.)

      NOW, back to YOUR situation regarding your boyfriend.

      Bad news, I’m afraid. He’s been doing your brother, but the word on the street is that he’s got a real hard-on for your dad.

      I don’t like sharing bad news, but I thought you be better off hearing it from a trusted source.

      If you’d like to cum for a session, I could probably switch you into to someone else’s slot.

      You night want to have your mom give me a call, too. A threebie may be in order.

      Apr 16, 2009 at 2:57 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.5   claw71 bang

      Anoymous? Like a sumo wrestler?

      Apr 16, 2009 at 3:00 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.6   Sam

      I suppose that’d make sense if I A: had a brother, and B: had a father, C: had a mother; ironically making D: having a trusted source (you), a little less-trusting.

      I’m all for the cum sessions, though.

      Apr 16, 2009 at 3:10 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.7   TheOldSchool bang

      Claw… yeah.

      Big like that, but with Curly Howard’s head, voice and mannerisms.

      He’s in the ring, facing off against another sumo dude with Moe’s head. Larry’s the hapless ref, and Shemp’s playing a cameo as the frightened, bumbling play-by-play radio announcer for the BBC.

      Remember, this video is to remain GAY PORN FREE.* (We can’t afford another belly-bump-a-thon with those thong-wearing Sony boys.)

      * As free as the wind blows…..

      Apr 16, 2009 at 3:47 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.8   TheOldSchool bang

      Sam,

      One of the things that has always baffled me is just why it is that orgasms feel so good. They never seem to grow stale. What do you enjoy about them?

      Apr 16, 2009 at 3:51 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.9   Sam

      That’s actually baffled you?

      I read somewhere: “In mammalian reproduction, such as with humans, the whole reproductive act is made so pleasurable that we are driven to complete the act in order to receive the ultimate reward of the orgasm.
      The orgasm is, to us, the same as the nectar to the bee. The incentive we are given by nature to make us want to reproduce.”

      And, kind of funny and ironic, the whole ‘reproduction’ part is the (maybe the only) bad aspect of an orgasm, to me.

      But you’re right, they never grow stale. You can have all kinds of them. With all kinds of people. Sometimes even, by/with yourself. Different times, places, clothes (and lack thereof), positions, feelings, fingers (hands, or feet, too); I mean, the possibilities are almost endless. And all produce this immense feel-good, mind-blowing (almost literally) experience. The feeling they provide is what I enjoy most, obviously. But I love watching/causing somebody else to/orgasm.

      Apr 16, 2009 at 4:02 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.10   TheOldSchool bang

      Sam,

      Wow…. It seems like a whole new world of strangely enticing experiences are freely available to those of us who are open-minded enough to recognize the human body’s capacity for both giving and receiving pleasure.

      There are things I know, and there are things I’ve thought about, but never tried ….mainly because I’ve never been that great at tying knots and I didn’t want to appear klutzy in front of someone I’d only recently met.

      It would be great to hook up sometime and share ideas, orifices, appendages, and moans of unrestrained passion sometime.

      Got your calendar open?

      Apr 16, 2009 at 4:14 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.11   Sam

      I know, right? Although, I’ve never been one for close-mindedness.

      Never tried? That’s no way to live. You mustn’t doubt yourself or your ability to at least have fun, and/or try something. Actually, I find klutziness a little endearing and enticing.

      That would be very great.

      As are my ideas, orifices, and things of the sort.

      Apr 16, 2009 at 4:19 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.12   TheOldSchool bang

      I can’t honestly say whether or not you’ll love my penis. Everyone has, so far, knock on wood. What can I say about it? Big. Hard. Long lasting. Flavor-packed. Lasts in your mouth, as well as your hands. It’s been a loyal companion for as long as I can remember. And it is unfailingly polite. Feedback 100 percent positive, as is the return feedback. I do think this could be elucidating.

      Don’t worry about the ropes, I maybe be more dextrous with my tongue, but my fingers have been recorded typing 600 word a minute while simultaneously translating the original Cantonese dialect into old Hungarian, so I am reasonably confident they can handle a few common bondage and restraints knots. What’s more I can use velcro ‘n’ velvet luvcuffs, and then improvise a make-shift ball-gag by simply ripping apart your panties with my fingers and teeth, and stuffing their shredded remains into your suck-hole.

      Whatever, we’re intelligent. We can improvise.

      Apr 16, 2009 at 4:37 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.13   Sam

      [I suppose I could be funny and say "I can't honestly say whether or not you'll love my penis, either", but I'd need a penis for that to be true.]

      What about the exchange rate/feedback?

      I love it when you say ‘suck-hole’, that really gets me going.

      Apr 16, 2009 at 4:47 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.14   TheOldSchool bang

      Now you’re sounding like a lot of my professors (m and f).

      Apr 16, 2009 at 5:01 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.15   TheOldSchool bang

      “Spanking” is another trigger word for academics.

      God Damn, they can squeal and blubber and beg. Then, when you give in and stop, they look at you with these red-rimmed eyes…..

      shaking like shitting dogs……

      and you realize they still want more.

      And, yet, people still wonder while my belts always look so “broken in.”

      Apr 16, 2009 at 5:13 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.16   Sam

      Good to know, I’m definitely a bit of a squealer.

      Apr 16, 2009 at 5:35 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.17   TheOldSchool bang

      I’ll bring the ear gags, you bring the lemon and the panties. It’ll be like a picnic.

      Apr 16, 2009 at 9:07 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.18   Sam

      (don’t you mean ‘ear plugs’?)

      Aw, all I have are limes.

      Apr 17, 2009 at 8:02 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.19   TheOldSchool bang

      That’s so sad.

      My heart used to ache when I read news reports of starving refugee children in Darfur, but I could still manage to summon the inner strength to forge ahead with my day.

      Reading that you exist in a world deprived of lemons shocked me to my core, and brought me to my knees. It was as if Dick Cheney himself had plunged a white-hot dagger into my aorta.

      “If there is a God in the universe,” I sobbed, “how could Sam not be blessed with an abundance of lemons?”

      The next few minutes were spent in a delirium-fueled haze. I rolled around on the floor, pounding my fists into the hardwood, smashing head repeatedly against the walls.

      When my rage had finally given way to an exhaustion-enhanced awareness that my actions were not only futile, but were also doing nothing in regard to moving the process forward towards any form of substantive resolution, I maneuvered myself into a sitting position.

      Still breathing hard from the physical exertions expended during my deranged yet still-somewhat-understandably-justifiable outburst, I wearily surveyed the room-sized disaster area.

      The floors were scratched and clawed, but mostly OK. Each wall had an assortment of head-sized dents. The lower portions of the dining room table legs had been gnawed off.

      “This,” I deduced, “would explain why my mouth currently feels dry and tastes sawdusty.”

      Sam, in retrospect, I may have slightly overreacted to your message.

      Limes should be fine, because, remember, we always have the panties for back-up.

      And, truth be told, I’m leaning toward the panties, anyway.

      (Plus we can send any non-ball-gag-utilized limes to the starving refugee kids in that jazz-tormented sultanate in western Sudan. They may not need lime ball gags now, but their bodies will soon begin changing, and, well, we all know what that means. *wink*)

      Apr 17, 2009 at 1:36 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.20   Sam

      Your mouth should never feel dry or taste sawdusty.

      I suppose that’s the only good use I can think of for panties, so I’m game.

      Apr 17, 2009 at 1:50 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.21   TheOldSchool bang

      I know. It’s weird. The English were importing their mahogony back in the 1600s, and I suspect that the legs used on this table weren’t from the healthiest part of the tree.

      My mouth is normally thoroughly moistened by an over-abundance of vaginal secretions that have been sampled and savored by my supple, yet skillful tongue, whom I call, “Merlin.”

      I think it’s a nice name, but, for some odd reason, women always insist on giving him more exotic names: “Oh my God, Yes, Mmm Hmmmm, Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh My Sweet….Fucking…… God Yes,” or “Oh Yeah, Oh Yeah, Oh Yeah, Oh Fuck, Don’t Stop, YeahYEAHYEAH!!!!”

      Merlin also receives a surprising number of foreign-sounding appellations. Tuesday’s designation is still fresh on my mind: “I,I,I, eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-oooh-oooh–ooooh-Nnnn-Gaaaawwwwwwwww.” You’re probably guessing, as did I at first, that this kooky-sounding name is Zambian in its origins.

      It’s not.

      OK, Sam, you can lift your jaw off the floor, now!

      It’s from Northwestern/central New Guinea. Since I was unable to even pin-point the specific tribe, let alone the precise dialect, I spent several hours researching this further.

      Sam, I’m now reasonably convinced that the name used comes from an ancient language spoken only by shamanistic elites from various tribes. Several times a year these leaders would gather together like jungle mafia dons to discuss the issues of the day. Since they each spoke the language of their own tribe, a new language was created for them so they could easily shoot the shit with one another, without having to re-explain jokes.

      I’ll be reviewing some Joseph Beuys performance tapes over the weekend, seeking further confirmation of my informed, yet still speculative, hypothesis.

      Anyway, after Merlin marinates, ruminates, and satiates, he becomes pussy-juice-logged. It makes him heavy and unable to flutter like a hummingbird. So what does he do? He stores the excess secretions along the inside lining of my mouth, where it is stored (like energy in blubber!) for those times when I’m my head isn’t buried between the legs of a beautiful woman.

      That’s right, setting up a sexual encounter!

      You wanna know something, my dear? When I first read the last word in your second sentence,
      I read it as “gamey.”

      I pleased that you’re game. So I am I.

      I’ve got a few quick questions before we set the balls in motion.

      (Keep in mind, there are no right or wrong answers.)

      I’ll ask them one at a time, so as not to get any lurkers overly excited.

      1. When engaged in playful-rough-housing that transforms seamlessly into a tender-entry variation of rumpy-pumpy, but then gradually accelerates through the gears into a full-on plunder and pillage, blitzkrieg-style anal pummeling, would you prefer that I:

      A) stay locked and loaded on the assigned target,

      or

      B) stay almost until the bombs are to be fired, but then, at the last second, pull up and out, releasing my payload all over your back?

      (In my opinion, the missions are equally enjoyable. And there’s nothing to stop us from doing both, but this is one of those questions that I’d like you to pretend it’s either/or. It’s just another insight into the parts that make up the hole.)

      I’ll send your next question after reviewing the answer to your first.

      PS: Try not to let the horrors of the US firebombing of Dresden during WWII influence your decision in any way. The scenario I’m proposing is WAY different.

      Apr 17, 2009 at 5:03 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.22   Sam

      I like Merlin. My tongue’s been called “wet heaven”, “like, euphoria, but for my dick”, “Bridget”, and on occasion, “I’ve never met one that can go all day, efficiently”.

      A, definitely. Although I’m not completely opposed to B, I just prefer A.

      PS: It was quite hard doing so. Mainly because general WWII imagery excites me, though.

      Apr 17, 2009 at 5:10 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.23   TheOldSchool bang

      Sam,

      Judging from the names these gentleman bestowed upon your tongue, I’m going to have to be honest with you, right now….I think you’ve been blowing “gentlemen bachelors.”

      (Puffs!)

      Have you been to any gay discos, lately? They’re all empty!

      Why?

      Because the lads, with their kink-obsessed brains and designer genes, are always seeking new ways to piss on the sanctified traditions of the homosexual lifestyle — including even the holiest of the holey — gay sex acts!

      Why do they insist on rocking the envelope?

      Who knows. I’m sure it has to do with all those days and nights spent sitting on the saddle bar stools that formulate the vast majority of seating accomodations in the typical bar on Christopher Street.

      They’re sittin in their saddles, wearing their leather chaps over tight denim that just seems to hug theirs asses perfectly, thus showing them off to best effect. Drinking their frontier-themed brews, staring up at the appropriated cigarette billboard signage photo by Richard Prince, their thoughts turn to their lives and where they stand in the pecking order on this cattle drive called life.

      Who’s the alpha horn dog in this bar right now?

      (The John Wayne type cowboy who’ll stoically take a shotgun shell to his arm, along with a couple of flaming indian arrows to his legs, and still beat up a whole gang cattle rustlers with just his fists and his bravery — yet will wince like a sissy when his wounds are being tended to by the doe-eyed ingenue who has somehow fallen for him.)

      What makes the alpha so alpha?

      If you don’t know who the sucker at the poker table is — it’s you.

      The same holds true for determing the alpha in a gay saddle bar. (Unless you’re sure it’s not you.)

      One of the things apha gays do is boast about their sexual escapades and bizarre stomach tilting hi-jinx in loud voices to complete strangers who are also a bit tipsy.

      The chap who was the loudest and the kinkiest was always the alpha.

      But then something started happening in a Malcolm Gladwell=esque way.

      None of the alpha gay cowpokes could tell tales of things they’d done that hadn’t been done lots of times before.

      It was, as G.W. Bush would call it: a pre-dick-a-mint.

      Then, one night, one of ‘em hit on the shocking idea of fucking a woman.

      And that’s why we’re where we are today, Sam.

      And that’s why a “guy” called your tongue “Bridget.”

      That said, I’m sure a good yime was had by all.

      A) huh? You do like to get straight to the point.

      I like that in a person. I hate people who babble on an on about inconsequential crap.

      This isn’t the real second question, but I’m curious: which of the following images from WWII excites you sexually the most:

      a) sailors kissing their girlfriends in Times Squeare Victory Celebrations

      b) the flag raising photo at iwo jima

      c) the handsome youthful aryan looks of the typical German soldier

      d) getting a pearl necklace during the surprise attack on Pearl Harbor

      e) seeing the mushroom cloud blossom over Hiroshima, knowing that hundreds of thousands of innecent people had been melted into radioactive goop

      f) seeing jews, homos, gypsies, tramps, and thieves being lead to the gas chambers, (while the nazis danced to Cher’s greatest hits and then gang-banged Liza Minelli upstairs. Joel Gray amd Michael York? Try to stop it? Honey, Liza didn’t eve try to stop it.

      Apr 17, 2009 at 6:26 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.24   mamason bang

      WTF? OMG! STFU! TOS! :lol:

      Apr 17, 2009 at 6:38 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.25   Sam

      Yes, I’m not one for babble or inconsequential crap.

      I’m going to have to say E. Although, ‘Dr. Strangelove’ just gets me every single time.

      Apr 17, 2009 at 6:38 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.26   TheOldSchool bang

      Mamason,

      What are you doing here? We were just sharing views on the horrors of WWII. Care to join us?
      This might seem like a strange question, but you don’t happen to have any lemons with you, do you?

      Apr 17, 2009 at 8:35 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.27   TheOldSchool bang

      Sam,

      Are you referring to the Kubrick version or the one with the furry porn legend, Ron Jeremy?

      I happen to think the Kubrick version is more erotic, but that’s because RJ isn’t in it.

      Apr 17, 2009 at 8:40 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.28   Sam

      Almost anything with RJ is more erotic than anything with him.

      Apr 18, 2009 at 2:10 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.29   oi!

      To Mr. TOS
      I am so tempted to make a comment involving thousand monkeys, type writer and infinite time…….

      Apr 18, 2009 at 4:59 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.30   TheOldSchool bang

      oi,

      Congratulations. My colleagues and I have been collectively assembled at the University of Washington’s Paul Allen Primate Labs since January 2009. It’s not a bad gig, but our living quarters aren’t nearly as pristine as they were at the beginning, and, to be honest, there’s a great deal of variation amongst us, hygienically.

      With your permission, I’ll happily forward your comment to the project director.

      Hopefully, the folks in charge will realize the gig is up, so we can get paid and get the hell out of year. Winter in Seattle isn’t a picnic. Spring isn’t much to write home about, from what I’ve seen.

      Apr 18, 2009 at 6:34 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.31   TheOldSchool bang

      P.S.

      Before I head home, are any of you ho-bags up for some freaky monkey-love?

      Gentlemen: I don’t swing that way, but some of my colleagues do. I’d be happy to foward any messages.

      Apr 18, 2009 at 6:43 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.32   TheOldSchool bang

      sam,

      It’s like we’re twins.

      Not that this pertains to anything you said, but, I thought I should put it out there, so you’re not surprised later.

      I don’t like the phrase “tits and ass.” (Or: T & A.)

      It just sounds vulgar to me,

      I say: “boobs and butt,”

      (Or: B & B.)

      For the life of me, I can’t understand why so many well-meaning fellows persist in using the former rather than the latter.

      Apr 18, 2009 at 6:50 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.33   Sam

      twins, you say? I knew sex with myself was fun, but I had no idea it’d be taken to that extent.

      and, even after the smash-hit “ass and titties”, I mean, c’mon, I think those are the most ingenious lyrics, and use of the words, in general.

      Apr 18, 2009 at 7:45 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.34   TheOldSchool bang

      I was with Mr. Assault until the the portion of the melody wherein the machine-gun like echoing of “ass” was too reminiscent of Flatboy Slim’s “Rockafella Skank” from a decade ago.

      You masturbate?

      What’s it like? I think about doing it sometimes, but I don’t think I could handle the guilt.

      Besides, if I’m really desperate, I can always spray my cock with PAM, spread some honey on it, coat it with fish food flakes, and dip it in the aquarium. The fish are happy. My cock isn’t insulted. And I’ve got that old “He looks like his penis has been kissed by 20 different varieties of exotic tropical fish” look on my face.

      If you’re stoned, it’s kinda interesting to watch the semen float around afterwards. If you’re not, well, maybe not so much.

      Apr 18, 2009 at 8:10 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.35   oi!

      I am so disappointed. I thought you would figure out that I am talking about infinite monkey theorem. I did skip Shakespeare ‘s name but your name is TOS.

      Apr 18, 2009 at 8:48 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.36   TheOldSchool bang

      Oi,

      Don’t be blue, we understood completely. Why do you think we’re here?

      Apr 18, 2009 at 10:39 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.37   Sam

      Rockafella Skank is too good to even allow other songs to sound like it.

      Not in a long time.

      You shouldn’t feel guilty about feeling good, though. You also shouldn’t ever get to a point where you’re desparate.

      A lot of things are more fun when you’re stoned.

      Apr 18, 2009 at 11:09 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.38   TheOldSchool bang

      Thanks for the advice, Sam. I guess I chose the wrong word. Instead of “desperate,” I should said, “inquisitive.”

      Is masturbation better stoned?

      I know music sounds better.

      And when I make weird faces in the mirror, they make me laugh more when I’m stoned.

      I’ve never done the aquarium cock dunk stoned, but once, after smoking some hash, I stuck a straw into the tank and tried to a couple of the more attractive fish make-shift hickies via the straw.

      They seemed to enjoy it, but, for the next week or so, whenever I fed the fish, those two hung back, just a little.

      I can’t help but feel that the others must have teased them about interspecies dating, and they were slightly embarrassed about the whole thing.

      It wasn’t even a date! It just happened. (I’m thinking the others were jealous that they didn’t get the straw suck treatment.)

      By the way, there were no hickie marks whatsoever.

      Apr 18, 2009 at 11:43 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.39   Sam

      masturbation can be dangerous when stoned.

      straw hickeys, that’s new. fish can get so jealous, though.

      Apr 18, 2009 at 11:48 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.40   TheOldSchool bang

      that should read: I tried to GIVE a couple of the more attractive fish make-shift hickies via a straw.

      Actually, that should have read: “I tried to give make-shift hickies to a couple of the more attractive fish via a straw.”

      One more thing regarding the two fish who hung back at feeding time. It turns out, that if there was anyone who should have been embarrassed, it was me.

      Months later, I learned that one of them was, in fact, a dude.

      I’ve got nothing against gays, bi’s, lesbians, or trannies, but, c’mon TOS, do your homework!

      Apr 18, 2009 at 11:52 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.41   TheOldSchool bang

      Dangerous how?

      Addicting?

      I remember licking woman for like eight hours on mushrooms once. Every inch of her body. She was so responsive, I couldn’t not keeping doing it.

      She was the mother of one of my friends.

      A year or so later she was riding in a car with some people I knew. The driver was trying to make a traffic light, and drove too fast making an abrupt left turn. She was in the rear passenger seat with a jar of 100 hits of pharmaceutical something or anothers on her lap, but apparently her door wasn’t closed all the way.
      As the car went into the sharp turn, the door flew open, and she rolled out onto the pavement with the pills flying everywhere. There were a bunch of people around, some of whom helped her, while many of of the others busied themselves scooping up pills and stuffing them into their pockets. She just had scrapes and bruises, but still, it was one of the situations that call out for a high pitched voice-over saying: AWKWARD.

      She did love the sensual gestures….

      Apr 19, 2009 at 12:06 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.42   TheOldSchool bang

      Ooops, that should have read: a jar of 1,000 hits

      Apr 19, 2009 at 12:08 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.43   TheOldSchool bang

      Plus I was glad my friend wasn’t standing there on the sidewalk when his mother rolled out on to the street. No fellow wants to meet up with his mother via such an incongruent set of circumstances.

      Well, I shouldn’t be so absolutely declarative.

      I know that I certainly wouldn’t want to meet up with my mother that way.

      I could jokingly have myself debating: my mom….or the free pills? But it wouldn’t honest.

      She’s a sweet lady.

      Apr 19, 2009 at 12:16 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.44   TheOldSchool bang

      Fish may appear jealous, but there’s a lot more going on behind the scenes that we humans are incapable of comprehending.

      I’ve observed the same types of human “misreads” with Red Eared Slider turtles.

      (“He’s not a narcissist, he just likes sitting on the rock more than the other one.” “No, I don’t think she has OCD.”)

      Everyone thinks they’re an animal psychology expert all of a sudden, whenever a couple of Red Eared Sliders enter the picture.

      Hey, bub, how about diagnosing yourself for once. The turtles are alright.

      Apr 19, 2009 at 12:26 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #30   Eric bang

    I just can’t figure out what “eavly bivds” are. Then again I don’t advevt. in Chvonicle

    weav earpluqs -

    Apr 16, 2009 at 1:50 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #31   Nicole

    I wish I could plot, on a graph, the relevance to the original post of all comments, from first posted to last posted, with little notations about when it dissolves into “your relative __ is doing __ to your relative __” and “let me share with you, internet strangers, details about my intimate life, both shared and solo.” There’d be so many interesting spikes where people come in belatedly and attempt to make some comment relevant to the post.

    I’m not complaining. Probably 85% of the reason I come to this site is to read the comments, in all their irrelevant, facepalm-inducing glory.

    EDIT: Had to use the edit feature for once! Probably missed something anyway, o wells.

    Apr 16, 2009 at 4:29 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #31.1   dumb

      ::facepalm::

      Apr 16, 2009 at 4:33 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #31.2   TheOldSchool bang

      Nicole,

      ou should get a tablet of graph paper and a couple of number 3 pencils and do it.

      I’ve always been curious about how these notes would graph out. Start with the notes from this year, because most of the people here have addiction/substance-abuse/loss of memory issues, and there’s no sense making these folks feel even lower than they already do by rubbing their noses in the numbers.

      Figures don’t lie. But clothing does a pretty good job of deceiving people.

      Now, Nicole, do you FINALLY see why I believe that we should all* live openly, nakedly and freely, like the animals?

      (Well….maybe not all, but you know what I’m saying…..)

      Apr 16, 2009 at 5:06 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #32   Miranda

    The commas are crying out in pain from their horrible overusage! Why would you put a comma there? Why?

    Apr 20, 2009 at 4:47 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
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