Just remember: smashing packets of condiments might be a festive way to celebrate, but it’ll cost you.
(Thanks to Coral from Minnesota for the photo.)
related: Deviled egg, anyone?
FILED UNDER: restaurant · smiley
Woman on the Verge
Nothing says passive aggressive like paying to burst packets of mayo on the sidewalk… except maybe bursting packets of catsup, free of charge.
May 5, 2009 at 8:07 am rating: 18
I really only gave you a thumbs up because you wrote catsup instead of ketchup.
May 6, 2009 at 4:39 am rating: 2
What if I fold them in half and put them under the toilet seat? Who pays for them then? Me or the person who sat down and smashed them?
May 5, 2009 at 8:15 am rating: 32
Woman on the Verge
Ah, but you have to pay for them before you put them under the seat… The person who smashed them has to clean up. Job-sharing at its PA best.
May 5, 2009 at 8:43 am rating: 5
Girl Friday may think that her toilet seat shenanigans are amusing right now, but you can bet her little smirk will quickly disappear when one of her “victims” inadvertently gets splashed in the hoo haw and winds up missing her menstrual cycle ride due to GF’s reckless actions.
Q: “Mother, May I?”
A: “Father Mayo.”
Maybe GF will atone for her actions by agreeing to share the expenses of raising this little albino baby?
If she doesn’t, there’s gonna be Hellmans to pay.
May 6, 2009 at 5:21 am rating: 9
The key is to just throw them around and hope other people smash them.
There is always a loophole.
May 5, 2009 at 8:27 am rating: 14
Ah! Thar be another loophole! (Sorry, the word “loophole” always sounds a little pirate-y to me) The key word in this note is “expected,” not “made.” Boy will they be disappointed when I show up, smash mayo packets, and walk away! Someone shouldn’t get their expectation so high.
Aww.. I just noticed that a couple comments down, the whole “expected” thing was noticed. Oh well, I’M POSTIN’ ANYWAYS!!!! Mwahahaha!
May 5, 2009 at 7:18 pm rating: 2
*fluffy’s been drinking again*
May 5, 2009 at 8:30 pm rating: 3
Are you playing with fluffy again, mama?
May 5, 2009 at 10:48 pm rating: 2
As a part of her community service.
May 6, 2009 at 2:20 pm rating: 2
Aw… Fluffy need a friend. And a refill on this Tequila!
May 6, 2009 at 7:31 pm rating: 0
I would hate to work in the kind of establishment where notes like this are necessary.
But then….I say that about a lot of the notes that show up here.
May 5, 2009 at 8:36 am rating: 3
I recommend against working in a convenience store. When I was working in a 7-11, there were jerks who thought it was oh so clever to make huge messes with all the condiments.
May 5, 2009 at 11:05 am rating: 3
Charged for mayo packets?
Um, yeah. I think I’ve got that covered.
FIRE IN THE HOLE!!!
May 5, 2009 at 8:42 am rating: 2
I wonder what they charge per packet? Have they already planned the price or are they going to improvise it?
And do they have a backup plan if i refuse to wash the sidewalk?
Don’t post a PA note with threats unless you have it thought out.
May 5, 2009 at 8:49 am rating: 16
damn you and posting the same theme as me without me noticing.
* plusses comment in act of good will *
May 5, 2009 at 9:20 am rating: 6
Apologies, i guess.
*does the same*
May 5, 2009 at 9:49 am rating: 5
For fire in the hole, there is preparation H in aisle 3 next to the calamine lotion….
May 5, 2009 at 1:55 pm rating: 13
damn gigglebraxing..failing me again
May 5, 2009 at 1:56 pm rating: 2
Plusses Beans and CS for good citizenship.
May 5, 2009 at 2:35 pm rating: 4
There is an ointment for that, as well.
“Now I’d like to know where you got the lotion…”
May 5, 2009 at 2:57 pm rating: 2
Don’t rock the boat, baby!
May 5, 2009 at 2:58 pm rating: 3
It’s okay to rock the boat, as long as you don’t tip the boat over.
May 5, 2009 at 3:05 pm rating: 1
It’s also considered good form to always tip the little man in the boat.
May 5, 2009 at 3:28 pm rating: 3
Unless it’s the Tide-E-Bowl Man
May 5, 2009 at 3:51 pm rating: 1
Well what do you expect me to do? Go throw rocks in the lake?
This is Minnesota for cripes sake! I’m bored!
May 5, 2009 at 8:48 am rating: 13
You could watch re-runs of The Mary Tyler Moore Show, MN’s claim to fame.
May 5, 2009 at 9:15 am rating: 1
I have no interest whatsoever in watching a woman who wastes hats.
May 5, 2009 at 9:21 am rating: 21
Prince I think still lives in St.Paul and there is the Mall of America, the headwaters of the Mighty Mississippi, and 10,000 lakes!
May 5, 2009 at 9:43 am rating: 3
I’ve read about that stuff on the internet.
Sounds interesting, but I sure wouldn’t want to live with it!
May 5, 2009 at 9:52 am rating: 5
Well, there’s always cow tippin’. The key is to throw your whole body against the cow.
May 5, 2009 at 7:25 pm rating: 3
Never known as the kid
I bet it’s not even real mayo, it’s probably that Miracle Whip shit………..
May 5, 2009 at 9:13 am rating: 11
Or even if it is real mayo, it’s probably that cheap off-brand crap. Like when restaurants try to pass off Hunts ketchup for Heinz.
May 5, 2009 at 9:58 am rating: 5
You mean Hunts catsup (if you live east of the Mississippi)?
May 5, 2009 at 11:07 am rating: 1
I do live east of the Mississippi and only wankers call it catsup.
May 5, 2009 at 1:01 pm rating: 4
Really? I presumed that it was the wankers who call it mayonnaise.
May 5, 2009 at 4:00 pm rating: 5
1. I thought only wankers used the word “wanker.”
2. Mark, that is more than I ever needed to know about ketchup.
May 5, 2009 at 7:35 pm rating: 3
Paul Hogan is the most pretentious wanker-user of the word wanker I’ve ever come across. Of course I can’t expect everyone to know how popular rugby league is in some parts of Australia, but it’s at Rabbitoh games where the hoity toit, such as Russell Crowe, hang out and dulcetly harangue the referee with such pretensious eulogies as ‘Are you blind you fucking wanker?’ The correct spectator follow-up protocol is to then delicately throw a phone at the hapless ref. By the way, he probably is blind, considering what he does in his free time.
May 5, 2009 at 10:36 pm rating: 6
Im interested in the system the proprietor of this establishment proposes to put in place to exact monetary and sanitary payment from offending customers.
Does reception of mayo only occur after a thorough interview, after which the receiver’s motives are sieved out from amongst the lies and ruses?
Will the receiver have free access to the mayo at first, but then be chased down by fore mentioned proprietor onto said sidewalk?
Will the proprietor charge the mayo to the credit card the customer used and then use the information to track said customer to his or her respective home with cleaning supplies, intending to drag said customer back to the establishment for forced labour?
Is the proprietor aware that forced labour is generally frowned upon?
So many unanswered questions!
May 5, 2009 at 9:18 am rating: 14
you suck at craigslist
What if I wish to wear them like earrings? Or to balance one on my nose while singing “Hungry Like the Wolf”? It seems to me they haven’t thought through all the possibilities.
May 5, 2009 at 9:22 am rating: 6
Dammit! Why did you have to mention that song!
Earworm of the day!
May 5, 2009 at 9:53 am rating: 5
Or at least put them on other foods. I guess putting mayonnaise on fries is out of the question, too. Unless, I suppose, the fries are on a sandwich.
May 5, 2009 at 9:53 am rating: 7
Woman on the Verge
When I first read this, I thought you wrote “putting mayonnaise on friends is out of the question”… I was about to call Mishee and ask her!
May 5, 2009 at 10:10 am rating: 3
That’s not mayonnaise honey….
May 5, 2009 at 10:15 am rating: 4
Yes! Mayo makes an excellent facial mask or a great hair conditioner, or…..wait a minute. That’s not what you’re talking about, is it?
May 5, 2009 at 12:50 pm rating: 3
Either way Bunnee, I still somehow end up having it all over my face and in my hair…
May 5, 2009 at 12:59 pm rating: 4
So that’s the secret to your luxurious hair and a smooth complexion! Mayonnaise! (We are still talking about mayo and not man-juice, right?)
May 5, 2009 at 1:27 pm rating: 1
May 5, 2009 at 1:36 pm rating: 3
Will it also make a good hair gel, nice and stiff?
May 6, 2009 at 2:26 pm rating: 1
But the mayo squirting out of the packets adds panache to my Mexican Hat Dance. How will I earn money for my beer today?
May 5, 2009 at 9:40 am rating: 3
Around a Mexican hat
And that’s the end of that
Or is it I guess I’ll keep singing
my cellphone appears to be ringing………..
May 5, 2009 at 9:55 am rating: 15
Aw… I liked that episode of the Simpsons.
May 5, 2009 at 7:37 pm rating: 2
The urge to smash the packets is probably strong enough to overcome my innnate cheapness, but not my innate laziness. Damn it! They’ve checkmated me!
May 5, 2009 at 9:45 am rating: 16
I’m one of the really cheap people that put a handful of mayo and ketchup packets in my pocket to save a couple dollars, so i actually am cheap enough to see this as an outrage.
May 5, 2009 at 9:52 am rating: 4
But on the other hand, i do enjoy costing restaurants/hotels/etc. as much money as possible because of my passive aggressive resentment toward having to pay money for things.
May 5, 2009 at 9:54 am rating: 12
i have a tin in my purse with packets of all kinds of condiments. ketchup, vinegar, peanut butter, you name it.
but then, i’m dutch. what’s your excuse?
May 5, 2009 at 10:09 am rating: 4
There’s only two things I hate in this world. People who are intolerant of other people’s cultures and the Dutch.
May 5, 2009 at 10:16 am rating: 18
It says only mayonnaise packets will be charged. That means that all other packets of mustard, ketchup, honey, and those artificial flavored creamers are fair game for free smashing on the sidewalk. This sounds like an artistic opportunity, something like a Jackson Pollock painting on the sidewalk. Maybe after it is done admission to see the “art” could be charged to help divert the cost of the mayo packets.
May 5, 2009 at 10:35 am rating: 6
And what will the mayo packets be charged with, indecent exposure ?
May 5, 2009 at 10:51 am rating: 5
Hey that could be a draw too! Nude sidewalk packet smashing. It speaks to me. One persons artistic packet smashing outlet can be another’s indecent perversion and yet even the disgusted can’t stand not watching. I wonder if Pollock ever painted sans clothes?
May 5, 2009 at 10:57 am rating: 4
So Kerry, how long were you waiting to make this joke? ;D
May 5, 2009 at 9:50 am rating: 7
Must say, I was wondering the same thing :-]
May 5, 2009 at 8:16 pm rating: 1
Don’t all Jewish weddings culminate with a ceremonial smashing of Mayo packets on the sidewalk? I’m pretty sure that the ones held in the Deli district do.
I’m sick of Arby’s anti-semitic ways!
Psst! Psst! Psst! Ya you!!!
I know where you can get some free mayo packets man. It’s good chit man! All the free mayo packets you want! Chik Fil A is my supplier, they got the best!
May 5, 2009 at 10:41 am rating: 5
Great, now I’m craving Chik Fil A, and there aren’t any in my area!
*in my area
May 5, 2009 at 12:37 pm rating: 4
Chik-Fil-A is the best.
May 5, 2009 at 1:22 pm rating: 1
Especially when in your, ahem, area.
May 5, 2009 at 1:26 pm rating: 4
I had Chik-fil-A for lunch. It was delicious.
May 5, 2009 at 6:01 pm rating: 2
But was it fucking delicious?
May 5, 2009 at 6:45 pm rating: 1
Unitard, party of two!
May 5, 2009 at 6:49 pm rating: 2
They take the act of smashing packets of mayo very seriously in Minnesota. There’s even a clinic for it.
May 5, 2009 at 10:54 am rating: 45
I was thinking of that joke at work today, hoping against hope that no one got there so I could post it when I got home!
Well done, Sir!!
May 5, 2009 at 8:02 pm rating: 2
Yeah, um, you know those greasy white globs out there on the sidewalk? Not mayo. Sorry. I’d apologize and tell you that it won’t happen again, but I hate lying.
May 5, 2009 at 11:15 am rating: 9
Funny you say that claw… RB’s remote comment (via text message) about today’s note was:
“I bet its not really mayo on the sidewalk. That note was probably written under claw’s apt”
Of course, she probably knows that since she is the one who spit it out your window last night…
May 5, 2009 at 11:24 am rating: 8
No. She prefers to snowball me.
May 5, 2009 at 12:23 pm rating: 3
Claw @ 16.2:
I think she just threw up in your mouth a little.
May 5, 2009 at 1:12 pm rating: 4
May 5, 2009 at 1:16 pm rating: 1
mamason, I think you should Google it. Preferably, do a Google image search with the Safe Search turned off.
May 5, 2009 at 1:18 pm rating: 2
Thanks, aaa. *gag*
May 5, 2009 at 1:33 pm rating: 1
No problem! X3
May 5, 2009 at 1:43 pm rating: 2
I’ve heard of smashing pumkins, but smashing packets of mayo, nope.
May 5, 2009 at 11:46 am rating: 4
Maybe it’s just my aversion to authority figures, empty threats and smiley exclamation points, but I feel I’m too weak to fight the urge to…ah, fuck it, Travelocity, how soon can I be in Minnesota?
May 5, 2009 at 12:02 pm rating: 9
Well, there goes my Friday night plans…
May 5, 2009 at 12:34 pm rating: 2
Is that mayo on the sidewalk or are you just pleased to see me?
May 5, 2009 at 12:52 pm rating: 10
Yay! Isuck had some comments on here for all of 45 minutes or so before Kerry got rid of them. She really IS magical!
May 5, 2009 at 1:32 pm rating: 5
All hail the Goddess!
May 5, 2009 at 1:35 pm rating: 3
and i missed them?
*prostrates before the goddess*
May 5, 2009 at 3:11 pm rating: 3
*gives Beans a prostrate exam*
May 5, 2009 at 3:15 pm rating: 2
Oh, so that’s why he’s shuddering.
May 5, 2009 at 3:34 pm rating: 1
“…she stuck in her thumb, and pulled out a plum…”
May 5, 2009 at 3:40 pm rating: 2
Perhaps, Tastelessandless, but Beans is a girl shudderer.
May 5, 2009 at 3:52 pm rating: 1
It was the Franks that confused me.
Oh, and in France, they call that shuddering “le petit mort.”
May 5, 2009 at 4:02 pm rating: 2
♬ i just died in your arms tonight
*carries along her merry way, not caring what gender she is perceived as (results may vary but they all work for her).*
May 5, 2009 at 4:30 pm rating: 5
Tommy: “Mommy, our, new next door neighbor, Mr. Smith, said he has a magic puppet that lives in his pants.
“He said he’s a one-eyed, bald man, who cries real mayonnaise tears! I asked to see him, but Mr. Smith said his puppet only talks to women, ages 18 and older. You’re 28. He might show you!”
Mother: “Not now, Tommy. I need to rest. I’m worn-out from yesterday’s show. That puppet is such a crybaby…. just cries and cries and cries.”
May 5, 2009 at 1:52 pm rating: 4
* shudder *
May 5, 2009 at 3:18 pm rating: 3
When you’re done shuddering, please clean up your mayonnaise tears, “Mr. Smith.”
May 5, 2009 at 3:32 pm rating: 3
I love this blog! Thanks for being…
and mayo is most disgusting
May 5, 2009 at 3:41 pm rating: 0
Jerry Lundegaard: [answering the phone] Jerry Lundegaard.
Carl Showalter: Alright, Jerry, you got the phone to yourself?
Jerry Lundegaard: Well, yeah.
Carl Showalter: You know who this is?
Jerry Lundegaard: Well, yeah, I got an idea. How’s that Hellman’s working out for ya?
Carl Showalter: Circumstances have changed, Jerry.
Jerry Lundegaard: Well, what do ya mean?
Carl Showalter: Thing have changed, circumstances, Jerry, beyond the… uh, acts of god.
Jerry Lundegaard: How’s the Miracle Whip?
Carl Showalter: [puzzled] What’s Miracle Whip?
Jerry Lundegaard: SALAD DRESSING! What the-?
Carl Showalter: Oh, it’sshe’s alright, but there’s a few packets in Brainerd that aren’t so okay, I’ll tell you that.
Jerry Lundegaard: What the heck are ya talking about? Let’s just finish this sandwich here.
Carl Showalter: Mayo has been shed, Jerry.
Jerry Lundegaard: What the heck do ya mean?
Carl Showalter: Three packets, in Brainerd.
Jerry Lundegaard: Oh, jeez.
Carl Showalter: That’s right, we need more mayo.
Jerry Lundegaard: What the heck are ya talking about? What do you fellas have yourself mixed up in?
Carl Showalter: We need more mayo…
Jerry Lundegaard: [interrupting] This was supposed to be a no rough stuff type deal!
Carl Showalter: [angry] DON’T EVER INTERRUPT ME, JERRY, JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!
Jerry Lundegaard: Well, I’m sorry, but I just- I don’t…
Carl Showalter: I’m not gonna debate you, Jerry! I’m not gonna debate! We now want the entire case of condiments!
Jerry Lundegaard: Oh, for chris’sake here
May 5, 2009 at 4:39 pm rating: 10
~ Ya got Arby’s all over me.~
May 5, 2009 at 4:48 pm rating: 2
That’s your Abry-Q in the woodchipper then?
May 6, 2009 at 2:31 pm rating: 1
May 5, 2009 at 4:48 pm rating: 0
What’s on the sidewalk?
The white stuff
May 5, 2009 at 5:21 pm rating: 5
A parody of Weird Al doing a parody of NKOTB:
May 5, 2009 at 5:37 pm rating: 2
Just introducing a new earworm for The Mishee™…
May 5, 2009 at 6:45 pm rating: 3
Prefer the original parody actually…
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh, oh, oreo,
what’s in the middle?
the white stuff…
DAMMIT! Now I’ve got teh earworm!
Thanks Mark, for mentioning my name!
You shall be punished at a later date.
May 6, 2009 at 9:42 am rating: 3
what if i use the mayo to dip my fries in? do i get charged for it then? i don’t see why it should be sandwiches only.
May 6, 2009 at 4:42 am rating: 1
She could have scored higher with her note had she just used a heart instead of a smiley face.
May 6, 2009 at 3:29 pm rating: 1
2011: The Top Notes of the Year
2010: The Funniest Notes of the Year
2009: The Best Notes of the Year
2008: Your Favorite Notes of the Year
Carnivores: keep being awesome!
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signed with love
spelling and grammar police
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You call that punctuation?