Failed strategies in bicycle theft deterrence:
1. Assuming the thief who stole your bike is schooled in Italian neorealism; appealing to said thief’s desire to be one of the cool kids.
2. Feigning empathy for said thief.
![Dear bike thief, I am very sorry that circumstances in your life led you to need to steal my bike. I hope that taking it had helped you to get your life back on track. Good luck. Love, a friend [response] Thanks, chap! Don't worry - doing fine, the bike is terrific, hello from me mates. Later, bicycle thief](https://farm4.static.flickr.com/3366/3505619619_3e21959d51.jpg "Dear bike thief, I am very sorry that circumstances in your life led you to need to steal my bike. I hope that taking it had helped you to get your life back on track. Good luck. Love, a friend [response] Thanks, chap! Don't worry - doing fine, the bike is terrific, hello from me mates. Later, bicycle thief")
3. Chiding said thief for his stupidity via a barely legible run-on sentence without double-checking “you’re” grammar first.
![STUPID BIKE THIEF YOUR [sic] RUBBISH NOW NOW ONE CAN USE THE BIKE SHAME ON YOU TRYING TO STEAL](https://farm3.static.flickr.com/2286/2262130254_abd811689e.jpg "STUPID BIKE THIEF YOUR [sic] RUBBISH NOW NOW ONE CAN USE THE BIKE SHAME ON YOU TRYING TO STEAL")
(Grazie mille to Nadia in Melbourne, Chris in Amsterdam, and Tom in London for submitting!)
related: No, Daddy, I asked for a Wii!
194 responses so far ↓
#1
jen
May 11, 2009 at 3:13 am rating: 90
#2
lizard
ohhh because i was a film major, mad props for referencing bicycle thieves/the bicycle thief! i don’t care if the thief knows it or not, he wants to be one of the cool kids: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/16/fashion/16CODES.html?_r=2&adxnnl=1&ref=fashion&adxnnlx=1242026654-rpykvPSdtSeL1JpQeumddg
http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2009/04/15/style/20090416-dutchbike-feature.html
…sooo pretentious…
May 11, 2009 at 3:25 am rating: 90
#3
Curmudgeon
Why do people steal bikes? Do they really need them or are they selling them for crack money? I can’t keep up with what the kids do these days. Bah!
May 11, 2009 at 4:32 am rating: 90
#4
ian in hamburg
Bike thieves are the worst form of scum. Around here they either ship them whole for re-sale in Eastern Europe or strip them from parts and throw the frame in the river.
If you could buy and off-the-shelf pipe bomb to stuff into the frame and set off by remote control should the bike ever be stolen, I’d buy it.
May 11, 2009 at 6:08 am rating: 90
#5
Wade
“Now no one can ride the bike.”
I wonder if the ladies bike in question belonged to Alotta Fagina.
May 11, 2009 at 6:40 am rating: 90
#6
Woman on the Verge
What exactly would you like me to do with my rubbish?
May 11, 2009 at 8:08 am rating: 90
#7
Phalange
Apparently I wasn’t segmenting the first one like the author wanted. I read:
Att: Bike – This is war, Italy! Bikes is thief. Not post stealing? Not cool.
Which leads me to believe that someone is declaring war on Italy because some dude named Bikes is a thief. And apparently you are only cool if you go around stealing fence posts.
May 11, 2009 at 8:14 am rating: 90
#8
anglophile
I just can’t believe no one has tried to steal the post-war Italian sofa.
May 11, 2009 at 8:44 am rating: 90
#9
QuarterRoy00
So did the bike theif in the 2nd submission steal a computer to type up his response?
These are the questions we need answered!
May 11, 2009 at 9:09 am rating: 90
#10
T to the O
♫ I want to ride my bicycle. I want to ride my bike. I want to ride my bicycle. I want to ride it where I like. ♫
May 11, 2009 at 9:42 am rating: 90
#11
park rose
By my reckoning, the third note was written by a school marm (whose specialty is not English), and whose only mode of transport was stolen on her way to work. Who else carries blue chalk in the pockets of their ankle length skirts? (hell on the spokes).
I am also confused as to whether the stupid bike thief stole a lady’s style-bike, or a bike belonging to a lady. I’m not sure which way the shame is being angled.
May 11, 2009 at 9:51 am rating: 90
#12
park rose
The town bike’s encounter with the bike thief was so traumatic that she declared, ‘Your [sic] rubbish! I’m never letting anyone ride me again.’
Thus it was spoke.
May 11, 2009 at 10:00 am rating: 90
#13
Mishee™
You notice none of these notes hail from the Good Ol’ USA?
That’s cause when someone steals our bike over here, we just turn around and steal someone else’s in turn…
We play musical bikes!
May 11, 2009 at 10:15 am rating: 90
#14
Phalange
I bet all these stolen bikes wind up in the basement of the Alamo.
May 11, 2009 at 10:25 am rating: 90
#15
Bernd das Brot
Bicycle owners of all lands, unite!
May 11, 2009 at 10:28 am rating: 90
#16
TheOldSchool
Carpe bicycle!
May 11, 2009 at 11:12 am rating: 90
#17
park rose
nevermind
May 11, 2009 at 12:37 pm rating: 90
#18
Ti to the O
Does your bicycling Monkey bite?
May 11, 2009 at 12:40 pm rating: 90
#19
TheOldSchool
I think the thieves are the heroes in the story.
Bicyclists pretend to be environmentalists, but they rarely consider all the energy and natural resources that are expended in the manufacturing of their bikes.
And they NEVER consider all the consider all the petroleum that gets wasted when cars have to swerve around them, rather than proceeding in a straight line.
Bikers want to love the earth, but the earth just wants to be friends.
Mother Nature’s just not that into them.
May 11, 2009 at 12:48 pm rating: 90
#20
Daisychain
*Written in pink chalk with a lovely chalk flower/penis adornment/cheeky emoticon*
“Dear, blue chalk and ex-ladies bike owner.
So if it was a man’s bike that would have been okay then? Okay thanks, I’ll know for next time.
Yours now educated on the etiquette of bike theft,
Rubbish bike theif x x x”
May 11, 2009 at 12:52 pm rating: 90
#21
Bunnee
Boy, talk about dedication to your PANs! The writer of the second note went to such lengths as to place the note in a sheet protector!
May 11, 2009 at 1:10 pm rating: 90
#22
oi!
In the first note why it says it is not post war? Were there any responses from bike thief? I want to see them!
May 11, 2009 at 2:21 pm rating: 90
#23
oi!
Per poster # 1, It was cool to steal the bike in post-war Italy but not now. I need to know exactly what is cool to steal? I will make sure I will steal that stuff only. Does it also depend on the country or time of the day etc? If yes I need exact details.
May 11, 2009 at 4:35 pm rating: 90
#24
park rose
I’m thinking that if the owner of the bike in picture one had the foresight to use that masking tape to secure his/her bike to the wrought iron posts, there wouldn’t have been any need for the post war post modern cut up dissertation. Though that could be all an allusion on my part.
May 11, 2009 at 8:24 pm rating: 90
#25
beachpeach
wouldn’t it be… I Ladri? …. but i believe there is only one, so then should it not be ladro, regardless of whether or not you decided to include the article?
just sayin.
May 11, 2009 at 9:37 pm rating: 90
#26
hey now
Apparently the sign writer isn’t schooled in italian neorealism either. Stealing a bike in postwar Italy was decidedly UNcool.
May 11, 2009 at 10:39 pm rating: 90
#27
nick
May 12, 2009 at 7:08 am rating: 90
#28
oi!
well internet is not ouija board so I ‘ll do you a favor and let you know that I am howling from hell.
*dark, ominous music plays*
this one fits rightly on, I am late thread.
May 20, 2009 at 8:06 pm rating: 90
#29 The mystery of the bum-scratching bike thief | PassiveAggressiveNotes.com — funny (if not necessarily "passive-aggressive") notes from pissed-off people
[...] Failed strategies in bicycle theft deterrence [...]
May 4, 2010 at 7:01 pm rating: 90
#30 Sorry for the re-stealing | PassiveAggressiveNotes.com
[...] Dear Bike Thief, I am very sorry [...]
Oct 14, 2010 at 10:34 pm rating: 90
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