I’m having a hard time deciding who in this group of geniuses most deserves a smack in the head first. To make it easier, I’m going to tell myself that Krystal is using some new kind of ironic dialect of homophone-swapping slang. And Jennalyn…well, her name is Jennalyn, and therefore I think it’s safe to assume she’s gotten the short end of the stick so far in life, so she gets a pass. But the other three?
P.S. Notice the date! (tear)
related: reason #784 why you should never list your relationship status in your facebook profile
204 responses so far ↓
#1
Listy
I’m thinking Daniel deserves the smack in the head from Alicia, but maybe they should just stand in a circle and smack each other’s heads, just to be fair. And I guess Jennalyn can sit out, so she can “jus chill.”
May 14, 2009 at 9:00 am rating: +7
#2
park rose
Don’t worry Alicia, Humpty Dumpty had a similar problem. Krystal knows the score.
And no matter the efforts of all the kings’ horses and all the king’s men nothing could ever be put back together again.
Life isn’t fair. Sometimes it sucks being an egg sitting on a wall. You never know what’s going to happen next. The masochists kind of like it, though.
May 14, 2009 at 9:03 am rating: +8
#3
unholyghost2003
I meen U guys are great 2gether b4 now that ur knot 2gether. U no? I wish their waz a way 2 sey stuff is b4.
May 14, 2009 at 9:10 am rating: +41
#4
Mishee™
Ugh, Facebook day.
I hate Facebook day almost as much as I hate it when RunBarbara grabs the “Board of Education” and decides to “teach me a lesson” – all because I couldn’t get the cursive Z right on the blackboard… all the while Claw looks on with a tub of popcorn…
May 14, 2009 at 9:10 am rating: +8
#5
park rose
You think they’re older or younger than that chick from high school?
May 14, 2009 at 9:12 am rating: +49
#6
park rose
i no U2 were perfect for each other, but Blink 182 have a somewhat dysfunctional relationship.
May 14, 2009 at 9:33 am rating: +19
#7
claw71
Alicia, Krystal and Rachel don’t know who Daniel is boinking because they’re in their late 20’s and working their way up the corporate ladder. Daniel is the hot young stud who was coaching Alicia’s son’s soccer team at the rec center. When Daniel said he was a senior, Alicia thought he meant college but by the time she found out he was an honor student at James Madison High School who worked at the rec center for a humanities credit it was too late. She was addicted to love.
What they don’t know is that Jennalyn, who sometimes babysits Alicia’s son, is actually the girl Daniel is planning to take to the prom. What none of them realize is that Daniel is actually gay. He seeks out doomed physical relationships because his father is a relentless homophobe.
I’m glad I could clear this up.
May 14, 2009 at 9:33 am rating: +32
#8
MeToo
I hear Daniel saying, “That’s what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age.”
May 14, 2009 at 9:37 am rating: +31
#9
CS harmonikah
I have no joke only a rant.
Every one of these people deserves to get an ice-pick to the face, repeatedly.
This is our education system failing. “no-know” “two-too” etc is horrible.
And i admit i abbreviate in text messages because it seems time consuming and tedious (and i have the same phone as Zach Morris, so it’s heavy) but there is no excuse for not typing out “you” or “just”.
*deep breath* It felt good to let that out.
Oh yeah, It’s Rachels fault for bringing it up, and being glib.
Team-Mind-your-own-goddamn-business.
May 14, 2009 at 9:45 am rating: +13
#10
Fraulein N
All I know is that Rachel deserves a smack in the head the least (even though she did get the ball rolling). She’s the only one actually familiar with proper sentence structure. I know it’s Facebook but hot damn.
May 14, 2009 at 9:49 am rating: +3
#11
CS harmonikah
Attention high school, suburban white kids:
You are not Lil Wayne.
Speaking in ebonics does not make you cool.
Neither does writing like you are illiterate.
Thank you that is all.
May 14, 2009 at 9:51 am rating: +22
#12
amy d
Daniel and Alicia are lolcats. That chick is a fluffly young chicken from down the street. The sad thing is that Daniel will end up being henpecked.
May 14, 2009 at 9:52 am rating: +4
#13
Joe
I’m not sure why Jennalyn decided to bring Kant into all of this, unless she’s postulating that the Categorical Imperative is better stated as “jus chill.”
May 14, 2009 at 9:58 am rating: +15
#14
Grimfool_Reluctant
Some fatherly advice to all you young gentlemen out there . . . whenever you become
“the man I love more than anything that has broken my heart”
. . . and, important note, it really doesn’t matter if you’re screwing her over for a high school chick, or if you’re just crawling for freedom . . . whenever you become that guy, if, one day later, the girl is publicly saying
“duh, its sad shit”
you KNOW you made the right decision
May 14, 2009 at 10:04 am rating: +38
#15
Rob T Firefly
Now I want to join Facebook, just so I can go around posting “You guys are great together” on every ended relationship announcement.
May 14, 2009 at 10:11 am rating: +26
#16
Bunnee
I must be old, at least by text-speak standards, because in reading the post and the comments, I have to stop and think about what each word translates to in the real world. I now have a headache.
*needs pain medication
May 14, 2009 at 10:49 am rating: +5
#17
anglophile
Do Jennalyn and Alicia think sadistic is just a fancier way to say sad?
Fax is to facsimile as sad is to ?
May 14, 2009 at 10:56 am rating: +14
#18
kt
yo is greater than ???
way to leave us hanging
May 14, 2009 at 10:57 am rating: +6
#19
leftfoot
As if ever I needed any more reasons to avoid Facebook like the bird-swine-bubonic plague…
May 14, 2009 at 10:58 am rating: +2
#20
CS harmonikah
Re: 18.1
Yo is greater than a lot of slang words that once were.
Yo > ………
Yo > Fresh, Homey, Dope, Wack
It becomes never-ending
Yo > Fresh > Wack > Fo Shizzle
*sigh. Nesting fail*
May 14, 2009 at 12:07 pm rating: +3
#21
TheOldSchool
Does anyone here remember, way back two days ago, when Diane paid us a visit?
Well, maybe it’s just the roofies I put in my coffee talking, but I do hope that Krystal, Rachel, Alicia, and Jennalyn follow her lead.
I have a feeling that Daniel and Alicia were perfect for one another … at the time.
Alicia and her lovely, articulate friends should view Daniel’s rejection of Alicia as an opportunity to vent their collective frustrations via sex with strangers.
If they don’t, I’m afraid they’ll spend the rest of their lives speculating upon what might have been.
Daniel was a fool to dump you, Alicia. I know that. But, frankly, there are some skeptics here.
Show them what Daniel is missing.
(Alicia: while you’re doing that, Krystal, Jennalyn, Rachel and I will be playing leap frog in the rumpus room.)
May 14, 2009 at 12:36 pm rating: +3
#22
Licensed To Post
Someday, somewhere a child is going to google search “douchebags” and those facebook posts will be the 7th thing listed.
May 14, 2009 at 1:04 pm rating: +6
#23
I suck
Rachel = TheOldSchool
Alicia = Mamason
Krystal = Anglophile
and of course
Jennalyn = Misshe
And poor Claw is the center of this impressive display of internet retardedness.
May 14, 2009 at 1:23 pm rating: +3
#24
oi!
Despite her name and outrageoususe of text speech (kant, kant?? when I read that word, I instantaneously assumed it’s euphemism for other word ) , Jannalyn sounds most rational than others. Who says, “you guys are great together” after some one breaks up?
No, I am thinking it was just hell of coincidence that she used the word sadistic. The use of kant has its dues.
May 14, 2009 at 1:30 pm rating: +6
#25
Woman on the Verge
I have very limited Facebook knowledge, but I’m assuming that one of the sign up requirements is proof of illiteracy?
May 14, 2009 at 2:22 pm rating: +2
#26
aaa
Ah, the internet! Nothing like social networking to fool you into thinking other humans actually give a shit about your existence! X3
May 14, 2009 at 2:23 pm rating: +7
#27
aaa
Surely I’m not the only person wanting somebody to “like” that status update…
May 14, 2009 at 2:42 pm rating: +4
#28
TP
Has anyone commented yet on Jennalyn’s use of the word “sadistic”? I wonder if she realizes she is insulting her friends by saying that their woes and lamentations are “sadistic”.
May 14, 2009 at 11:37 pm rating: 0
#29
ryanmalloy
Anyone notice that jennalyn’s comments are timed in the early morning (or late, late night)?
Maybe extensive partying (or the nights with Daniel, for all we know) have exhausted her so much that all she wants is “jus chill wtf”…
May 15, 2009 at 5:30 am rating: +1
#30
cheeky
What if (cue twilight zone music) Jennalyn is that chick in highschool?
Being forced to witness her friend Rachel’s (well ex-friend now, I suppose) heartbreak and agony is sending her on one hell of a guilt-trip. You know, when she could be having all kinds of fun with her new man Daniel.
Thus, sadistic.
Yeah, I’m pretty sure I’m onto something.
All hail Cheeky the Detective.
I don’t see anyone hailing!
HAIL ME, I COMMAND YOU.
but for reals kant we all just hail me wtf?
May 15, 2009 at 8:46 am rating: +3
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