If you’re looking for a few “free tips” about online dating, our anonymous submitter could give you a few.
related: Really though — carnations?
Not a match
May 27th, 2009 · 246 comments
FILED UNDER: just not that into you · most popular notes of 2009 · online dating
246 responses so far ↓
#1
Spike Nesmith
“a free tip”? The inference being that, after the meet, all further tips will be charged?
Wow – he’s one needy douchebag.
May 27, 2009 at 11:48 pm rating: 90
#2
Canthz_B
Reply: Are you looking for a match, or a bonfire, My Dear?
May 27, 2009 at 11:57 pm rating: 90
#3
Woody Wizzwell
He’s got a pissy attitude!
May 27, 2009 at 11:59 pm rating: 90
#4
foreverSunset
This screams, “Someone please talk to me.” Guy must think he’s some catch if he expects everyone who visits his profile to write him an email. King of online dating I’m sure…
And the guy doesn’t seem to take a hint either. There’s this nice passive thing called ignoring you. I guess there’s always time for passive aggressiveness.
May 28, 2009 at 12:01 am rating: 90
#5
ClearlyDemented
Here’s a tip for you…
She’s just not that into you.
May 28, 2009 at 12:02 am rating: 90
#6
Canthz_B
WTF do you mean you had a nice time, goodnight?
I took you to a nice restaurant for this first date, and now you don’t want to put out?!
May 28, 2009 at 12:04 am rating: 90
#7
BurstingAtTheSeams
I love the “hey there” opening of the second email.
It sounds so warm and friendly, and then, bang!
May 28, 2009 at 12:11 am rating: 90
#8
ClearlyDemented
I don’t know if you know this, but I don’t start conversations with narcissistic pricks.
DO NOT CONTACT ME AGAIN!!!!!!!!
May 28, 2009 at 12:11 am rating: 90
#9
Canthz_B
Here’s a free tip: Be a crazed stalker after you meet, not before you meet.
May 28, 2009 at 12:12 am rating: 90
#10
tee9zee
Jeez , I wish there was a photo and an email. This guy sounds perfect for me.
May 28, 2009 at 12:16 am rating: 90
#11
Canthz_B
Why is he sending messages to these women?
Match.com is supposed to match you up with people who are a lot like you.
Why would he want to date an asshole?
Or, maybe he just wants to talk shop with the best in the biz!
May 28, 2009 at 12:19 am rating: 90
#12
Nathan
While I’m sure this guy is an actual asshole, there is something to be said for being a bit of a jerk to attract women.
May 28, 2009 at 12:24 am rating: 90
#13
leftfoot
I’d be scared of him if I ran into him at a bar. He seems like the “no doesn’t mean no” type.
Terrifying.
May 28, 2009 at 12:26 am rating: 90
#14
Meredith
Paging John Page Fitzgerald…
May 28, 2009 at 12:29 am rating: 90
#15
Canthz_B
These are just notes to women who viewed him and didn’t write him.
Imagine the creepy missives he’s sending out the women he’s viewing during his proactive search!
WOW! Great tits!! I’d like to spend the night with the three of you!
If you have any, could you send me some nude pix?
Maybe we can have coffee some time.
I look forward to your immediate reply.
May 28, 2009 at 12:31 am rating: 90
#16
racerx2233
This is just too sad to even comment on…………
May 28, 2009 at 12:31 am rating: 90
#17
TheOldSchool
Ebay has paypal.
Match.com needs an easy-to-use Restraining Order service.
May 28, 2009 at 12:32 am rating: 90
#18
Luxe
Dad?
May 28, 2009 at 12:37 am rating: 90
#19
krewe
Actually playing hard to get with this guy would be like soaking yourself in kerosene and sitting in the woods during forest fire season.
May 28, 2009 at 12:40 am rating: 90
#20
Freddie
Ooh, this one’s a keeper.
May 28, 2009 at 12:41 am rating: 90
#21
TheOldSchool
Clearly, the problem with this guy’s replies is that he isn’t using ALL CAPS and lots of exclamation points.
May 28, 2009 at 12:47 am rating: 90
#22
Canthz_B
This is a clear example of a woman who got an A in ” A Woman’s Intuition 101″.
May 28, 2009 at 1:02 am rating: 90
#23
mike
Hahahaha. Long time reader, first time poster.
This is the funniest one yet.
May 28, 2009 at 1:53 am rating: 90
#24
Mary
I just had a guy pull this at plentyoffish.com. “You added me as a favorite but didn’t write to me!” I did not reply, but seriously, “favorite” is like a bookmark to say “this one seems to still have his teeth and didn’t mention Nascar in his profile.” It’s just a way to find people I’ve deemed probably dateable…
May 28, 2009 at 2:06 am rating: 90
#25
eep
Wow, that’s creepy.
May 28, 2009 at 2:08 am rating: 90
#26
BrookeDiz
What’s with the “Active Within 24 hours” bit? I thought Viagra started working much faster than that.
May 28, 2009 at 2:59 am rating: 90
#27
marx
Free tip because after paying like a sucka for online dating that’s the best he could afford. Expect origami roses at best and a mysterious “bathroom break” at dinner from which he never returns.
May 28, 2009 at 5:07 am rating: 90
#28
thrall38
Here’s a free tip for you: Run, don’t walk, to the nearest police station.
May 28, 2009 at 6:04 am rating: 90
#29
aaa
I wanna see this guy’s profile; he has the perfect combination of entitled dick and lonely loser that makes Why women Hate Men- so fun, so I’m hoping his profile’s the same. Although there’s always the possibility that this dude appears normal at first but then turns to monkey when he attempts communication his mouth…
May 28, 2009 at 7:20 am rating: 90
#30
Woman on the Verge
hey,
I received your two emails. Here’s a free tip: If a woman checks out your profile and finds that you are an asshat and leaves no message she doesn’t want to hear from you. If she is then accosted by you via 2 emails and still doesn’t respond she REALLY doesn’t want to hear from you. If you continue to contact her she will post your picture on the known sex offender web sites.
Have a great day!
May 28, 2009 at 8:11 am rating: 90
#31
KatieMB
Whaaaaaaaat???? She hasn’t already replied with a wedding date, reception site and baby names? What is she waiting for??!!
May 28, 2009 at 8:21 am rating: 90
#32
Gunderson105
I always give a lady a free tip at the end of the first date. Its like a tease for when I go balls-deep after the second one.
May 28, 2009 at 8:39 am rating: 90
#33
claw71
I’d love to see if this guy’s list of hobbies includes clubbing homeless people, brushing up against school girls and setting cats on fire, you know, because I’m always looking to start up another bromance.
May 28, 2009 at 8:43 am rating: 90
#34
Mishee™
This looks like the preamble of a submission from http://www.psychoticlettersfrommen.com.
May 28, 2009 at 8:45 am rating: 90
#35
Consultant Calamities
Desperate, anyone?
May 28, 2009 at 8:46 am rating: 90
#36
cheeky
“You should play hard to get after we meet”
Yeah, ’cause all those women who actually agreed to meet this freak and never got back in touch with him afterwards are just playing hard to get…
May 28, 2009 at 8:47 am rating: 90
#37
Brunogirl
Imagine the PAN’s he must send the staff.
hey,
I noticed that you have allowed me to view the people who have been checking me out. While this is a useful feature, I’ve noticed that the numbers don’t correlate to that actual emails I’ve received. Since most girls I meet are just playing hard to get, this means that I need to put on a better chase to show my interest.
I find it really distressing that Match.com doesn’t automatically include phone number/address information for those people who are checking me out. This way, I can show them my interest more directly. After all, isn’t this site about my happiness? Why else would you have this feature? I’m seriously considering ending my membership over this.
Here’s a tip: don’t offer a feature unless it truly benefits your subscribers.
God’s gift to women
May 28, 2009 at 9:02 am rating: 90
#38
QuarterRoy00
That’s a deal breaker ladies!
May 28, 2009 at 9:03 am rating: 90
#39
claw71
It’s a shame that we can’t see this guy’s picture. I’d love to confirm my suspicions that this guy has a mullet an is wearing a T-shirt informing us that mustache rides are, as we had hoped, free
May 28, 2009 at 9:03 am rating: 90
#40
nerdy
Danger Will Robinson! Danger! Danger!
May 28, 2009 at 9:11 am rating: 90
#41
J0sie
I’m playing extremely hard to get by not having a match.com account and just reading about him on PAN instead. I must be driving him nuts!
May 28, 2009 at 9:12 am rating: 90
#42
Kimberly
This guy perhaps? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=acERZQIAjUk
May 28, 2009 at 9:28 am rating: 90
#43
amy d
Browsing someone’s profile, deciding they are not for you and subsequently ignoring their emails is not playing hard to get, it’s not playing at all.
May 28, 2009 at 10:36 am rating: 90
#44
Commentator
I did not say “hi” because in browsing your profile, I found that you are a 30 year old man living in your mom’s garage, and you and your friends have a disgusting habit of peeing on the fence instead of walking all that distance to the bathroom.
Have a good search for a suitable mate. She’s out there (gag).
May 28, 2009 at 11:08 am rating: 90
#45
aloria
This is precisely why I gave up on online dating long ago, and why I want to slap all my married friends* who insist it’s the holy grail of meeting people.
*that all met their spouses in HS or College, of course.
May 28, 2009 at 11:09 am rating: 90
#46
claw71
Dating is complicated enough and when you combine it with the obfuscating powers of the internet it’s a wonder people connect at all. The games people play…
That’s why I don’t play games. I don’t waste time with the computer. Not when it comes to love. I do things the old fashioned way. When I’m attracted to a woman I follow her, study her habits and become familiar with her routines. I take note of the people she talks to and determine important things about her, like when she’s most likely to be alone and how long it would take her friends and family to raise the alarm if she disappeared.
After careful consideration I arrive at a decision. Is this the one? If so, I move forward and arrange for a meeting. I know where she’ll be and when she’ll be there and I’m certain that she won’t think twice about the panel van parked on the street next to that boarded up storefront.
Ether is so cumbersome and the initial struggle can draw attention. I prefer a taser. I just have to get close enough ensure a clean connection between the terminals and her body, but over the weeks I will have practiced this to test her awareness. She’s not perceptive.
It happens fast. A quick zapping sound and perhaps a startled yip from her. She falls to the ground, dazed and temporarily paralyzed. Grabbing her up and forcing her into the van is easy. Another healthy 35,000 volts ensures that she won’t be kicking and screaming for a few minutes. Plenty of time to pull into a dark alley and tie her up.
Over the next several days, I will woo her. She will realize that I am in control and she will do as she is told. I will earn her trust by removing the sutures that hold her lips together. Maybe she’ll be hungry and I’ll feed her a hearty stew. A hearty stew made from her precious cat. That way she will know that her love and affection must never be divided. Then she will call her friends and family to tell them she is happy, healthy and in love. She’ll convince them of this or they will be eliminated. Nobody will stand between us. Ever.
That’s love. Perhaps it won’t last. Like the others before her she might force me to hurt her. And then she’ll be gone. Perhaps tied to a concrete block at the bottom of Sandusky Bay, a few holes punched into her torso to vent gasses as her body slowly decays in the murky waters of Lake Erie. Maybe pieces of her will be scattered throughout Cuyahoga National Park, gnawed beyond recognition by coyotes and opportunistic raccoons. It seems that lasting love always eludes me, but I’m a romantic. I’ll keep trying.
May 28, 2009 at 11:13 am rating: 90
#47
Nikki
OMG. Wonder why you’re single?
Try this, creeper, I looked at your profile, found it creepy and decided that I didn’t want any contact with you. Then you contacted me and confirmed my theory that you are, indeed, an obnoxious freak. Here’s a free tip for you: stop being a freak.
May 28, 2009 at 11:39 am rating: 90
#48
Kristin
Pushy and needy – just the kind of guy I’m looking to meet!
May 28, 2009 at 12:03 pm rating: 90
#49
Charlene
Wow. this makes me wish I’d saved an interchange from this one guy on OKCUPID. I was going through a phase where I said, “thanks but no” to guys who wrote me I wasn’t interested in. Most took it graciously, but one guy thought, because i had taken the time to write him back, that i WAS interested. Yup. She says no but she means yes. when I stupidly wrote back to clarify that indeed I did mean NO he took that extra bit of attention as a sign that in fact I was saying I didn’t want a relationship, but A FUCK BUDDY AFFAIR. wow.
May 28, 2009 at 12:23 pm rating: 90
#50
mew
This totally reminds me of some dude that was trying to get me to talk to him on MySpace…he was Italian and I guess that made him think he had a lock on the romance department? He sent me a message, telling me I was “bella” and he’d really like to meet me, etc. I ignored him, and get a message the next day saying” I know you read my message, I can see it was opened, so why didn’t you write me back? I think you’re bella!” yeah, whatev dude, feeling’s not mutual, take a hint!
May 28, 2009 at 12:29 pm rating: 90
#51
oi!
I don’t understand, why women do not like me! They say women love intelligent, sensitive man but who also takes charge. I am complete package baby! I know how match.com works (smart, right?), I am offended if somebody does not contact me(sensitive, ain’t I?) and I give them free tips about how to date a man(I am always in control, sweety!). What more can women possibly wish for in a guy?
I know they are bunch of hypocrites. They pretend they want a nice guy but actually they love assholes only. I hate them, I hate them all!
oooh this one is howt! I bet she would not be crazy like others and will be grateful to have perfect guy like me.
May 28, 2009 at 12:40 pm rating: 90
#52
Susan
Is it just me, or is everyone else tempted to sign up to match.com just to get more of this kind of thing? Hilarious! I too would love to see his profile.
May 28, 2009 at 1:51 pm rating: 90
#53
Tamara
Have you guys seen this?
http://www.torontorealmen.com
May 28, 2009 at 4:36 pm rating: 90
#54
Joeygirl
psycho.
May 28, 2009 at 9:18 pm rating: 90
#55
ctw1966
That is WAY creepy.
May 29, 2009 at 2:00 am rating: 90
#56
CanadianDot
I’m assuming he’s the guy that then decides that you two are going to get married, and he’ll be allowed to chain you to the stove when he goes to work, to make sure you never leave him.
May 29, 2009 at 12:17 pm rating: 90
#57
Army of DOuche-ness
yeah, I wouldnt do online dating cuz I’d be a neurotic freak like this. Gotta keep things in person where I can see em.
May 29, 2009 at 12:53 pm rating: 90
#58
Livvie
Wow. That’s just hugely special and self absorbed. I wonder if he even understands how the internet works.
May 29, 2009 at 10:36 pm rating: 90
#59
katie
Creeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepy.
May 30, 2009 at 9:52 pm rating: 90
#60
The Commish
He doesn’t come off as much “needy” as he does “creepy” with mother issues. Sounds like a typical woman hater who ends up beating his mate.
Jun 1, 2009 at 3:58 pm rating: 90
#61
Anonymous Public
@ mamarilla-
Nice LCD humour. You should probably take my lead as an example…
Jun 4, 2009 at 1:30 pm rating: 90
#62
princess norrain
this guy sounds like the bunch of losers i encountered on the plenty of fish website; they all think they’re god’s gift to women.
plenty of fish should change it’s name to plenty of freaks, btw…
Jun 5, 2009 at 12:04 am rating: 90
#63
calyx
Wow, ANOTHER male with entitlement issues towards women! Not a big step towards thinking no means yes for sex as well as dating!
They learn it in the cradle. Women don’t think and exist independently of men in their world view.
Jun 5, 2009 at 12:40 am rating: 90
#64
turtlesarefancy
I’m about 99.9% sure I dated this guy for a while. Total needy psycho. Doesn’t take breakups well either. Sad, sad dude.
Jun 5, 2009 at 3:44 pm rating: 90
#65 textbook dmitri
[...] related: not a match [...]
Aug 12, 2009 at 10:19 pm rating: 90
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