There’s a guilt trip…
And then there’s a guilt trip.
related: Your hamster died? Well, I can top that.
FILED UNDER: guilt trip · New York · nice stationery · Oakland · odor · thanks (but not really)
No barbecuing because of 9-11?
It looks like the terrorists have won.
We can’t have the 4th of July cookout anymore.
May 28, 2009 at 9:52 pm rating: 137
the suburban barbecuer is the NEW face of terror.
May 28, 2009 at 10:10 pm rating: 32
After invoking 9/11 I’m surprised the writer chose FDNY. Sounds to me like a case for Homeland Security.
May 29, 2009 at 12:54 am rating: 23
The firefighters aren’t breathing? Are these zombie firefighters? It might work for getting into burning buildings, as they wouldn’t feel it, but the whole trying to eat your brains after saving you would be a pain in the rear.
May 29, 2009 at 9:48 am rating: 35
I’m thinking that the pain you feel would not be in the rear in this case.
May 29, 2009 at 6:34 pm rating: 7
Has anyone else noticed, when you’re at a party, how NOBODY ever wants to discuss nasal fungus infections?
Nobody cares. Life is meaningless.
May 30, 2009 at 4:07 pm rating: 15
Yeah … well, don’t come blubbering to me … all desperate to learn about which antihistamines I’d recommend for your NFI.
You had your chance to tap into my expertise, but, no, you “had” to flit away like a baby hummingbird with poor eyesight chasing after a fairly large-sized bumblebee.
The truth stings, doesn’t it?
Go ask your snot-nosed questions to your pharmacist, fungus-nose!
You reek of neediness, shame, and out of control sinus infections.
May 30, 2009 at 4:23 pm rating: 6
They just need a neti pot, TOS.
May 30, 2009 at 10:07 pm rating: 3
I once wrote an ode to my neti pot…
May 30, 2009 at 11:01 pm rating: 2
wow. once you mention 9/11 it’s all over. If anyone BBQs after that note, they’re a huge douchebag.
May 28, 2009 at 9:56 pm rating: 32
Pssshhh I turn that sacred cow into tasty steaks and yummy burgers all cooked on my Weber Grill.
May 28, 2009 at 9:59 pm rating: 33
Not that I would ever grill any sacred cows, but I can’t help thinking the dedicated craftster could take some of those beeping flashing things and make a festive string of lights with them.
May 28, 2009 at 10:08 pm rating: 6
People always talk about preventing another 9-11.
I just checked the calendar. There’s another one coming in three and a half months.
May 29, 2009 at 1:41 am rating: 84
I would have held another BBQ they day after the note went up. Bring your own beer and turban party..
If they’re going to call the Fire Department the least you can do is try to make the news.
May 29, 2009 at 2:25 pm rating: 24
Is a mention of 9/11 the new Godwin’s Law? Do we need a corollary?
Jun 1, 2009 at 3:13 pm rating: 9
Yes. Yes we indeedy do. Rose? Rose, do you have the list for who is in charge of corollaries this quarter? is it Claw? I forget who survived the purges….
Jun 1, 2009 at 6:28 pm rating: 1
Clumber, you’re intriguing me.
Corollary at the OK Canal? Or is it Coronary at the OK Corral?
ToS is in charge of the tangential s (that’s not genitals, ToS).
Wade in charge of deductive reasoning and disposing of bodies.
Claw is in charge of providing Wade with enough bodies to dispose of.
That’s the limit of my knowledge.
Jun 1, 2009 at 6:54 pm rating: 5
I got sucked into tangentials while skirting the periphery of an unrelated discussion concerning the wearing of condoms while laying nude on tanning beds — always a sticky topic, but more so if you snooze.
The lesson I learned is baked into the cake, so to speak.
Now, where ever I go, I’m constantly ribbed.
When I shit the showers at the gym.
And for her pleasure.
Jun 1, 2009 at 7:21 pm rating: 3
Well, as far as I am aware, Cb has no need to use such artificial means for enhancement, and it seems he’d be a whole lot cleaner.
And as an aside, you know how to whistle, don’t you Steve? You just put your lips together and blow… and that’s Lauren Bacall, so don’t you even go there!
But, I brought us back on topic, perhaps.
Jun 1, 2009 at 7:52 pm rating: 2
I tan easily naturally. The sunbed was for the sake of propriety while proving my tan genitals case. There would have been no purpose served by my walking city streets naked (other than to agitate the squirrels).
Now, most unbiased rib-ticklers say it looks Sheik.
Jun 1, 2009 at 8:23 pm rating: 3
Ummm What is the FDNY going to do? Probably nothing … Grilling is not generally illegal … even in NYC.
May 28, 2009 at 9:57 pm rating: 17
Fire-fighters throw the best cookouts!!
May 28, 2009 at 10:00 pm rating: 32
Time go out and buy a new smoker .
May 28, 2009 at 10:45 pm rating: 6
Cigarettes are so expensive that smokers are selling themselves to support their habits now?!
May 28, 2009 at 10:56 pm rating: 25
Ummm What is the FDNY going to do? Probably nothing … since they evidently can’t breathe either.
May 29, 2009 at 1:09 am rating: 12
May 29, 2009 at 8:33 am rating: 3
“except where buildings, balconies and decks are protected by an
approved automatic sprinkler system”
May 29, 2009 at 8:44 am rating: 3
And when was the last time you saw a balcony with an automatic sprinkler system? I don’t live in NYC, but I’ve never seen one.
May 29, 2009 at 8:48 am rating: 1
I don’t live in NYC either but… My balcony in L.A. had one, my S-I-L’s balcony in Orlando has one, several of the balconies of apartments my husband and I looked at in Indy had them … so I guess I would say the last time I saw a balcony with an automatic sprinkler system was in March when I was visiting my S-I-L.
May 29, 2009 at 8:54 am rating: 6
Fair enough. I’ll concede that they exist.
May 29, 2009 at 9:06 am rating: 2
Oh yeah. It’s Friday alright.
Joe, you evidently have no idea how lavish some NYC apartment buildings are.
Some of those “balconies” are the size of a small apartment!
May 29, 2009 at 9:19 am rating: 2
It also only applies to combustible balconies. In other words, if your apartment balcony and building aren’t made of wood, it doesn’t apply to you.
May 29, 2009 at 12:07 pm rating: 2
That doesn’t mean that the entire balcony must be constructed out of a combustible material.
For example, you may have a balcony with a concrete floor, but the underside of the balcony above yours (the ceiling of your balcony) is covered with some type of combustible material.
Perhaps even wood.
May 29, 2009 at 11:22 pm rating: 1
To be fair to the note-writer, I’ve lived in New York for a long time, and I can see how it could be annoying to have people BBQ right under your apt. Last summer the people in the building next to mine were BBQ’ing in the backyard, and OUR smoke alarms went off. The FDNY did show up, and they were pretty pissed to have wasted their time, because some dudes didn’t think to move the grill away from apartments.
Jun 2, 2009 at 10:34 am rating: 1
Yep, cooking over coals produces carcinogenic smoke.
That’s what killed the cavemen off!
May 28, 2009 at 9:58 pm rating: 12
I thought it was being eaten by all the dinosaurs.
May 28, 2009 at 10:12 pm rating: 10
Or even more ridiculous… they evolved into us
crazy I know
May 28, 2009 at 10:20 pm rating: 18
Actually, cooking over self-starting charcoal briquettes IS carcinogenic. Those things have all kinds of crazy chemicals in them. Cooking over coals made of actual hunks of wood? Probably not giving you cancer.
May 28, 2009 at 10:22 pm rating: 7
Maybe not, but standing out in the sun is.
I live for the day they report that there is a substance used in sun-block that causes liver cancer!
Joking aside though, I read an interesting report that vitamin D deficiency is way up. Has to do with people spending less time outdoors getting sun, and with the ubiquitous use of sun screening products.
May 28, 2009 at 10:42 pm rating: 12
a non-eMuss, I think you misunderstand the theory just a tad.
Besides, it makes much better sense that an invisible spirit scooped up some mud and blew life into it.
I know I always feel livelier after being blown.
May 28, 2009 at 10:50 pm rating: 16
Boooooooo, actually it’s the polyaromatic hydrocarbons that form mostly when fat drips onto hot coals. Match-light or wood hunks, either one will form PAH’s when fat drips on it. It’s a matter of lots of heat plus fat. The matchlights aren’t worse for carcinogenicity.
Of course, I agree that wood hunks make the food taste better than matchlights.
Not that I particularly care about the carcinogenicity either. Everyone’s gonna die sometime anyway, might as well enjoy life. Although, paraphrased Steven Wright: “I plan on living forever. So far, so good.”
May 28, 2009 at 11:12 pm rating: 23
My motto is:
Live fast, die young, leave a good-looking corpse.
Oh – and that sacred cow…. well, you know the rest.
May 28, 2009 at 11:22 pm rating: 5
Taste the meat, not the heat. Thank you for choosing Strickland Propane.
May 29, 2009 at 12:54 am rating: 42
Propane = profane!
Team grill with burning coals, Baby!!
May 29, 2009 at 1:37 am rating: 11
Oh Mark, talk geek to me baby. I’ll talk Simpsons for you.
Homer: Are you saying you’re never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal.
Homer: Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.
May 29, 2009 at 9:21 am rating: 23
Meesh, I gotcher Simpsons covered too. Another cooking reference:
Moe: Oh, boy! The deep fryer’s here. Heh heh, I got it used from the navy. You can flash-fry a buffalo in forty seconds.
Homer: Forty seconds? But I want it now!
May 29, 2009 at 10:35 am rating: 18
Heheh… I can’t pass this up:
Chief Wiggum: Afternoon, Homer. Care for some chili? I’ve added an extra ingredient just for you.
Chief Wiggum: The merciless peppers of Quetzlzacatenango! Grown deep in the jungle primeval by the inmates of a Guatemalan insane asylum.
Homer Simpson: Uh, Wiggy? My chili’s getting cold.
May 29, 2009 at 10:45 am rating: 15
I’m not not licking toads!
May 29, 2009 at 10:49 am rating: 6
Shopkeeper: I must warn you the doll is cursed.
Homer Simpson: That’s bad.
Shopkeeper: But it comes with a free frogurt!
Homer Simpson: That’s good.
Shopkeeper: The frogurt is also cursed.
Homer Simpson: That’s bad!
Shopkeeper: But it comes with a free choice of toppings!
Homer Simpson: That’s good!
Shopkeeper: The toppings contain sodium benzoate.
Shopkeeper: That’s bad.
Homer Simpson: Can I go now?
May 29, 2009 at 11:09 am rating: 15
Mmmm… Hog Fat!
(just one of Homer’s many Mmmm…s)
May 29, 2009 at 11:13 am rating: 2
Oh God, I could keep going all day…
[Homer and Mr. Burns are playing golf; Homer is in a sand trap]
Mr. Burns: For god sakes, man. Use an open-faced club! The sand wedge!
Homer: Mmmmm… open-faced club sandwich…
May 29, 2009 at 11:21 am rating: 13
much to my chagrin
“Pig is a filthy animal, and I don’t eat filthy animals.” Not The Simpsons, but still.
May 29, 2009 at 11:57 am rating: 2
He’d have to be 10 times more charming than that Arnold on Green Acres…
May 29, 2009 at 11:59 am rating: 5
I wouldn’t go so far as to call a dog filthy, but they’re definitely dirty. But a dog’s got personality. And personality goes a long way.
May 29, 2009 at 12:09 pm rating: 3
Are you a friend of Marcellis Wallace?
May 29, 2009 at 12:20 pm rating: 2
Rufus T. Firefly
Mmmmmmmm Kahuna burgers…
May 29, 2009 at 8:14 pm rating: 3
much to my chagrin
I don’t eat dog, either.
May 30, 2009 at 12:48 pm rating: 1
smokey the bear
Well sewer rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I wouldn’t know because I’d never eat the filthy motherfucker.
May 30, 2009 at 12:56 pm rating: 5
This is a tasty milkshate. I don’t know if it’s worth $5.
May 30, 2009 at 1:25 pm rating: 1
Smokey, just because you wouldn’t, doesn’t mean you haven’t.
Face it: we ALL eat rat feces. (Yes, even Kerry.)
May 30, 2009 at 1:47 pm rating: 2
Potatoes are filthy too. They grow under ground filth and it all becomes a part of them.
Tell you what, you wash your potatoes…and I’ll cook my meat.
May 30, 2009 at 4:01 pm rating: 4
And eggs, we all know where they come from…
May 30, 2009 at 4:42 pm rating: 4
Oh, ‘Rilla…with you my meat is always well done!
You’re a rare find!!
May 30, 2009 at 5:28 pm rating: 2
Learned this in Biology: Yeast is a living organism. Therefore when you make beer, guess where all that bubbly comes from? Yup. You guess it, it’s flatulence from the yeast.
Yeast is also gassy in bread (that’s what makes it rise). So you are literally eating little pockets of… flatulence from yeast.
May 30, 2009 at 7:02 pm rating: 4
But warm bread smells good. I guess that means that yeasts can say that their shit really doesn’t stink!
May 30, 2009 at 7:20 pm rating: 6
much to my chagrin
But lean a little closer and roses really smell like pooo…
May 30, 2009 at 9:58 pm rating: 1
You eat roses?!
May 30, 2009 at 10:31 pm rating: 0
Baklava (the Lebanese version of these Middle Eastern pastries uses pistachio nuts and rose-water syrup).
Drinks flavoured with rose are lush as well.
However, I most definitely do not recommended the consumption of rose. I might look all sweet on the outside, but I’m pure oleander within
May 31, 2009 at 3:12 am rating: 4
Rose! You spoke Florist!! Mwah, Mwah, Mwah!! ♥
May 31, 2009 at 8:56 am rating: 1
Rose-flavored Turkish Delight is one of my favorites.
May 31, 2009 at 9:47 am rating: 1
Glo, How do you like the Lily-flavored Turkish Delight?
May 31, 2009 at 11:13 pm rating: 0
The best part about that top note is the Hello Kitty stationary. It says “I’m really a nice, sweet person. Really. Even though I just accused you of giving me cancer!”
May 28, 2009 at 10:02 pm rating: 45
Resident Grammarian esq
The first thing I tought when I saw that stationery was that Hello Kitty was going to get cancer too, and what a tragic loss that would be.
May 28, 2009 at 10:45 pm rating: 22
Um. I always think of sociopaths when I see Hello Kitty.
At least it’s not just me: Hellish Kitty
May 28, 2009 at 11:33 pm rating: 4
You have to admit though, Hello Kitty + Balzac = fucking awesome.
I’ve got a cell phone dangly version of that.
May 29, 2009 at 12:56 am rating: 2
They’ve made the Hello Kitty vibrator already, but when is Sanrio going to come out with the Hello Kitty fleshlight?
It’s sexism, plain and simple. And once again, it’s the men who suffer.
Does anyone else feel … tense? Maybe I should curl up with a couple of jazz magazines and an 20.3 oz. (600 ml) size container of Vaseline daily skin shield protective body lotion with SPF15, green tea & anti-oxidants.
(That is, if such a product exists.)
Or maybe I’ll just think about that gorgeous woman who I made eye-contact with the other night. Talk about bedroom eyes! Without uttering a word, she, for all intents and purposes was practically BEGGING me for it.
I would have chatted her up, but it was late, and we were both in a hurry.
Isn’t that always the way?
As it happened, we were on the freeway. Heading in opposite directions. In the pouring rain.
I was zipping along at 70 mph. She appeared to be going even faster,
Still … I could tell … she wanted some. Yearning for it. For a fleeting moment, I thought I even heard her whimpering, but it turns out I need knew wiper blades.
Sorry, baby cakes, this ship has sailed.
Who needs jazz peridicals when you’ve got real life escapades to fondly look back upon?
She was in a dark appearing car or van (possibly made in America, Japan, Germany or Korea),
if any of you think you might know who she is. Telling her how to reach me could be viewed as being your early Christmas present to her.
May 29, 2009 at 2:18 am rating: 8
I new I needed a knew something … but, what?
May 29, 2009 at 2:40 am rating: 2
A Hello Kitty vibrator? But Summer said Hello Kitty was stationary?!
May 29, 2009 at 8:36 am rating: 15
TOS, she was just playing hard to get. Send her an email via her match.com account.
May 29, 2009 at 11:16 am rating: 9
Damn. Now I have an urge to take up smoking. Right under the neighbor’s bedroom window.
May 28, 2009 at 10:09 pm rating: 3
Summer (A Different Summer)
Yes, the Hello Kitty paper is *fabulous*.
I like how the second note insults the barbequer – “this is the BIG city”, not some small town where cooking outside is ok…
May 28, 2009 at 10:17 pm rating: 16
I have heard on the various local news bits here & there that grilling inside is a rather poor idea. Perhaps HelloKitty should try it first. With all the windows closed. And they should eat the burgers as high up in the air as possible… like on bar stools… or ladders…. Then HK can report back via vibrating or stationary media.
Suggestions – just RIFE with them.
Jun 1, 2009 at 6:48 pm rating: 2
I’ll bet that before 9-11, the note writer happily grilled summer evenings away without a care in the world about the old guy on the block with emphysema, or the kids with asthma.
Now, flush with cash from our Patriotic Pity-Party Payment Plan, he wants us all to accommodate him for life.
May 28, 2009 at 10:35 pm rating: 27
SUCKS to your ass-mar, Piggy!
May 28, 2009 at 11:14 pm rating: 20
Before 9/11 it was war vets… they didn’t use sharpies though. They just PAN’d in their own blood just to show you that they’ll shed it again if the call comes in. I’d listen to those PAN’s though, you don’t wanna see that guy’s AK-47 collection, and the ears… forget it!
May 29, 2009 at 4:55 pm rating: 3
well.. at least they aren’t complaining about cooking deal animals… I guess.
May 28, 2009 at 10:38 pm rating: 5
Hey, maybe it was a vegan barbecue like the one I was at last week.
Shish-ka-bobs, grilled corn, veggie burgers/dogs, pineapple rings sprinkled with cinnamon, portabello mushrooms, some kind of sweet potato thing that I can’t quite describe…
…and perhaps best of all, no passive-aggressive neighbors. (As far as I know.)
May 28, 2009 at 10:56 pm rating: 5
Okay so put some teriyaki steak in between those portabello mushrooms and wrap it in a flour tortilla…………..never mind
May 28, 2009 at 11:10 pm rating: 2
that sounds delicious and i hate vegans (too lean) and their food.
May 28, 2009 at 11:14 pm rating: 3
When it comes to humans, you have to ensure that they’re both well-fed and free of toxins. I’ve found that finding a fit person and forcing them to gorge on fatty food (I suggest cheese, ice cream, and pork rinds) in order to gain a large amount of fat very quickly. I found that regular deep tissue massage gets the marbling well integrated into the meat. During the gorging period, it’s important to restrict movement and keep them in a comfortable environment complete with appropriate entertainment (TV, video games [not Wii], internet) to keep them satisfied with staying in one place for long periods of time. After all, happy meat is tasty meat.
May 29, 2009 at 1:00 am rating: 10
aaa, are those humans you are talking about or Japanese kobe beef?
May 29, 2009 at 1:11 am rating: 1
They’re close enough, aren’t they? ;D
May 29, 2009 at 1:17 am rating: 3
Sounds marvelous canaduck, kinda drooling here now Love me some grilled veggies and tofu.
May 29, 2009 at 8:23 am rating: 2
“Happy meat is tasty meat”
That’s what my husband says to me all.the.time.
May 29, 2009 at 11:32 am rating: 10
My hubby says that it is the cure for everything that ails ya.
May 29, 2009 at 11:37 am rating: 4
@Bunnee and Mamarilla2:
You sure that your husbands are not talking about the happiness of their man meat?
May 30, 2009 at 3:53 am rating: 1
Well, that would explain the smile on his face.
May 30, 2009 at 11:07 am rating: 2
Neither one would have bitched if you offered them to partake in the food.
Just curious is there a smoking ban in New York like there is in Illinois?
May 28, 2009 at 10:43 pm rating: 3
You mean bars and restaurants?
May 28, 2009 at 10:47 pm rating: 1
May 28, 2009 at 10:50 pm rating: 1
…one of the few states that still allows smoking in bars and restaurants. It’s really odd to me to walk into a bar elsewhere without seeing the general haziness of second-hand smoke.
May 30, 2009 at 4:48 pm rating: 0
From: the barbecuer
To: my dear neighbors
No, you were NOT invited. Get over it.
P.S. it was yummy
May 28, 2009 at 10:45 pm rating: 26
“Yummy”? Don’t you mean…
Argh, I can’t do it.
May 28, 2009 at 11:18 pm rating: 20
LOL Mark… I saw this and WANTED to do it.. but I just can’t either..
May 29, 2009 at 2:32 am rating: 7
It was F-…Doh!!…Can’t bring myself to litter the gutter that way!!!
May 29, 2009 at 3:01 am rating: 8
Why worry when the F.D. N. Y. have done it for you already?
May 29, 2009 at 8:16 am rating: 31
P.S.S. The firemen thought my brisket was amazing. They are coming back next week for ribs.
P.S.S.S. No, you are STILL not invited.
May 29, 2009 at 11:02 am rating: 6
They all said it had a nice “smokey” flavor.
May 29, 2009 at 4:14 pm rating: 1
The word “yummy” makes me want to vomit.
Jun 5, 2009 at 4:50 am rating: 0
The FDNY will be contacted.
Hah! Passive voice in PAN. It’s almost like orgasm.
May 28, 2009 at 10:54 pm rating: 16
they will be contacted, but we will not take ownership, either literally or grammatically, for this event occurring. that, of course, would be to up-front. we will allow the hazy question to forever linger in your mind. “who dialed the numbers?”
you will never know.
May 28, 2009 at 11:16 pm rating: 7
And, irony of ironies, just what are those numbers?
May 29, 2009 at 2:20 am rating: 8
Get this: FDNY can’t breathe either. hmm never knew that. Ah! wisdom of PAN
May 28, 2009 at 10:56 pm rating: 6
It would have been nice if they’d have misspelled “either” as “ether”!
May 28, 2009 at 11:02 pm rating: 8
Yes, but you can’t always get what you want.
(♪But if you try sometimes you might find, that you get what you need!♪)
May 29, 2009 at 5:50 pm rating: 2
May 28, 2009 at 11:01 pm rating: 1
WWFDNYD? They probably would throw a couple of steaks on the grill. Firefighters love fire!
What is WWHKD??
May 28, 2009 at 11:08 pm rating: 1
I was thinking Henry Kissinger as mediator, but I’m probably way off in left field with that guess.
May 28, 2009 at 11:13 pm rating: 3
what would hello kitty do?
throw up a peace sign and inhale inhale inhale.
May 28, 2009 at 11:18 pm rating: 4
When in doubt, smoke out!
May 28, 2009 at 11:21 pm rating: 2
Put that in your peace-pipe and smoke it!!
May 29, 2009 at 12:36 am rating: 1
Hey…and pass it around!
May 29, 2009 at 2:48 am rating: 1
That’s some good shit….
May 29, 2009 at 5:59 am rating: 1
I was going for What Would Helen Keller Do.
May 29, 2009 at 6:32 am rating: 7
I said shush girl
Shut your lips
Do the Helen Keller and talk with your hips
May 29, 2009 at 7:21 am rating: 2
I wondered how long it would take for the 30h!3 reference .
May 29, 2009 at 8:53 am rating: 2
Ugh, and I wish it hadn’t.
*imagines Hellen Keller “speaking” on someone’s hand…with her hips*
May 29, 2009 at 12:11 pm rating: 3
What would… Hong Kong do?
May 29, 2009 at 6:03 pm rating: 1
No wait, I know! What would Harvey Keitel do? Right?
May 29, 2009 at 6:07 pm rating: 2
What would Heckler & Koch do?
Make trillions supplying the elite military & police forces around the globe!
May 29, 2009 at 8:15 pm rating: 3
What would Harold and Kumar do?
Smoke on the bong. And eat burgers.
May 30, 2009 at 6:05 pm rating: 3
Hello Kitty would use a toaster oven, that’s what:
May 31, 2009 at 1:50 am rating: 2
The second note writer makes first note writer look like a saint.
May 28, 2009 at 11:36 pm rating: 9
The second note is power note: guilt trip, condescension, direct order and threat all in a single note that too in a third person and passive voice. I believe to write a perfect PAN is true form of an art.
May 28, 2009 at 11:40 pm rating: 11
Hey neighbors, how about you close your windows, get air conditioning, and mind your own damn business? Thanks!
May 29, 2009 at 12:23 am rating: 5
My neighbors called the fire department when I fired up the grill one beautiful late spring evening. It was on my patio and apparently against one fire code or another. 3 big, strapping, young firemen knocked on my door and said they had received a complaint and would have to extinguish the fire because I was in fact, breaking the law. With as much southern sugar as I could muster, I very innocently asked them what the penalty was. Would they all need to hose me down or what? I will never forget the looks on their faces. I didn’t get a ticket.
May 29, 2009 at 12:44 am rating: 39
You never get a ticket when you offer something even better than pulled pork, mammason!
May 29, 2009 at 1:46 am rating: 5
I have music playing in head reading that… sounds like *Bow chicka wow-wow*
May 29, 2009 at 9:18 am rating: 6
Mama… you make me blush…
May 29, 2009 at 6:18 pm rating: 2
Well, did they or not….. hose you down? That would make a great steamy novel!
Jun 1, 2009 at 12:07 am rating: 0
My neighbor starts with phlegmy hacking as soon as my dad lights up his pipe in our backyard or starts up the grill. We live in a residential neighborhood.
He also smashed our taillight one time because he’s a psycho.
May 29, 2009 at 1:17 am rating: 7
What a talented neighbor! Manufacturing phlegm upon demand is no small feat!
He should be in the circus or something…maybe as “Mucus the Magnificent!!”
May 29, 2009 at 1:53 am rating: 6
No. He smashed your tail light one time because the voices in his head told him there were angels trapped inside of it.
May 29, 2009 at 8:43 am rating: 12
Oh, well if he did it to free the angels, I guess that’s okay.
“Hank! Do you have any idea how many baby angels you just killed by saying that??”
May 29, 2009 at 1:46 pm rating: 1
BBQing isn’t allowed on the balconies of my condo building at all, I thought that was a common thing?
May 29, 2009 at 1:20 am rating: 3
That’s why I have my BBQ in my bedroom.
May 29, 2009 at 6:01 am rating: 20
We can’t do it here either. I just do it out the front of my house on my path instead.
May 29, 2009 at 8:25 am rating: 1
KatieMB… smokin’ sausage in the bedroom!
*cue the music*
You’re right, Brunogirl. It adds something to the mood!
May 29, 2009 at 7:06 pm rating: 3
I see you caught my not-so-subtle double entendre mamason, but then… “I knew that you would…”
*wonders when the FDNY boys will be arriving*
May 29, 2009 at 9:47 pm rating: 2
The T is silent
Is there room for another bratwurst on the barbie?
May 29, 2009 at 9:59 pm rating: 3
As if you needed to ask…. get ovah here…
May 29, 2009 at 10:17 pm rating: 2
The T is silent
Did you make potato salad or was Mishee™ ‘s mom here?
May 29, 2009 at 10:38 pm rating: 1
T, I think Katie’s asking for egg salad.
May 30, 2009 at 4:35 pm rating: 1
You bringing it, CB?
May 31, 2009 at 3:29 pm rating: 0
No, I always bring fried chicken and watermelon to these get-togethers!
May 31, 2009 at 9:23 pm rating: 0
The folks who received the first note should send the note writer a barbecued Hello Kitty doll, along with a side of STFU salad.
May 29, 2009 at 1:46 am rating: 14
Mmm… STFU salad… hadn’t had that in a while. I love it when it has a nice portion of Screw You Salad Dressing on top.
May 29, 2009 at 6:21 pm rating: 3
Don’t bother getting the “Eat Shit And Die Bits.” They don’t taste anything like the real fake bacon bits.
May 31, 2009 at 1:06 am rating: 4
godDAMN y’all are making me hungry….
Jun 1, 2009 at 7:14 pm rating: 0
Ha ha, I’m a volunteer firefighter with a rural department. ALL FREAKIN’ MEMORIAL DAY we got call after call for “smoke in the area”. Gee, I wonder what people could possibly be doing on a patriotic holiday that would produce smoke?!
Fortunately, all of the cookouts we ended up crashing (we do have to investigate every complaint to make sure it’s not a real fire) were willing to share.
May 29, 2009 at 2:36 am rating: 27
First guilt trip ever printed on Hello Kitty paper too! Wow….I love BBQ!
May 29, 2009 at 2:47 am rating: 3
May 29, 2009 at 5:42 am rating: 8
May 29, 2009 at 8:19 am rating: 5
I can’t believe you guys waited until comment 25 to get here. I truly expected to see OMGWTFBBQ in the top 5.
I think you guys are slipping.
May 29, 2009 at 8:25 am rating: 2
Ah, along with the illustrious isuck, I was just driving by, and popped my head out the window. I think I ruined the joke, anyway. I never really know what I’m doing. What’s your excuse, numinous? Why didn’t you post it in the top 5? We’ve got these brand new reply buttons now… you could have even got it in the top one.
May 29, 2009 at 11:39 am rating: 4
Is it sad that I had to do an Urban Dictionary search on that?
May 29, 2009 at 6:28 pm rating: 2
I hope not, fluffy because I’m next!
May 29, 2009 at 7:08 pm rating: 3
*Does Urban Dictionary search to see what everyone is talking about*
*Is not much wiser*
May 30, 2009 at 1:49 am rating: 2
Well, you know me, Numinous. You can always count on me to say the obvious, and say it long after everyone’s already thought of it.
May 30, 2009 at 9:30 am rating: 2
Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more. Mark Twain
only thing here irrelevant is: It’s not a mistake and he is not an authority.
May 30, 2009 at 1:31 pm rating: 3
Hello Kitty stationery, 9/11 invocations, and cancer hyperbole aside, I’m with the notewriters. Here in Maryland, it’s illegal to barbecue within 10 feet of a building. I don’t know where the first note is from, but I checked NY, and the law is the same. (PDF link)
But even aside from the law, it’s unsafe. And it’s unbelievably rude to fill your neighbors’ apartments with smoke just so you can wrap your mouth around a good, thick bratwurst. (Really, you should just come over to my place instead.) Granted, I imagine the barbecuers were unaware, but that’s what the notes are for.
May 29, 2009 at 8:30 am rating: 3
Nothing like wrapping your lips around a good, thick bratwurst….
May 29, 2009 at 8:36 am rating: 11
Good plan. Everything that could possibly irritate, offend or annoy anyone else should be made illegal and strictly enforced.
May 29, 2009 at 9:53 am rating: 21
Boy, I’m screwed.
May 29, 2009 at 11:27 am rating: 8
In my building, we have 2 large community bbqs that they installed directly in front of 2 apartments…one of them being mine. While it can be a little annoying if someone gets it good n smokey, I would never friggin’ complain. I think it’s a lot ruder to try and take away someone’s good time. And I also live by the theory that if people doing normal, social, peoplish things bother you…go live in the middle of nowhere by yourself, instead of trying to make everyone else as miserable as you must be.
May 29, 2009 at 12:40 pm rating: 17
And that would be why I live where I live…I hate people.
May 29, 2009 at 12:50 pm rating: 3
It wasn’t necessarily within 10 feet of the building though. None of my neighbors BBQs are within 10 feet of my house and they can still stink my dining room up quite effectively .
May 29, 2009 at 12:56 pm rating: 2
As soon as the rest of the world wises up and does what I tell them they should do, we’re all going to be a lot better off, people.
And I say: grill! And be sure to make a steak for me. Tenderloin, medium rare.
May 29, 2009 at 1:03 pm rating: 4
What are we doing tonight Brain.?
May 29, 2009 at 1:08 pm rating: 3
Same thing we do every night, Pinky…
May 29, 2009 at 1:10 pm rating: 3
May 29, 2009 at 1:13 pm rating: 1
BBQ – if there’s enough smoke to choke, you’re doing it wrong.
May 29, 2009 at 4:22 pm rating: 2
May 29, 2009 at 4:55 pm rating: 1
Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
May 29, 2009 at 7:11 pm rating: 1
@26.6: The phrase “right under the bedroom window” seems to suggest (with a subtle 2×4 to the face) that the grill was within 10 feet of the building in the first note.
Sorry. Back to the thread. Fran!
May 30, 2009 at 7:47 am rating: 1
I think so, Brain. But if they seal the casket, how is the corpse supposed to get out again?
May 30, 2009 at 1:59 pm rating: 1
And nobody would ever exaggerate in a PAN, not at all. Sending that clue by four right back to you Joe.
May 31, 2009 at 4:36 pm rating: 1
That’s funny, I never figured Dick Cheney would be opposed to a little ‘cue.
May 29, 2009 at 8:41 am rating: 1
That second note makes me wonder if New Yorkers are secretly grateful that the terrorists picked New York as a target. It’s the ultimate trump card in the game of oneupsmanship New Yorkers have always loved to play.
Yeah, traffic in LA is pretty bad but not as bad as traffic in Midtown was on 9-11. Fuhgetaboudit.
I remember that big earthquake. During the World Series, right? That must have been scary. Hey! You know what else was scary? 9-11! Now give me my fucking pity party.
May 29, 2009 at 9:15 am rating: 31
So we’re making 9-11 jokes now? Shame on you. You’re not funny at all.
May 29, 2009 at 11:06 am rating: 2
Appalled, you’ve got the wrong number! This is… 9-1…2….
May 29, 2009 at 11:11 am rating: 10
I agree. Get up and get get down. 911 [shouldn't be] a joke in yo town. Shame that the PAN writer used it as his/her trump card, comparing a bbq to a terrorist attack. And that you chose to single out Claw’s joke over the other 27 or so jokes prior to it? Did it take a while to work your way up to high dudgeon? I ‘fess up to not being funny, though. You hit the nail on the head, there.
May 29, 2009 at 11:15 am rating: 6
I got yer funny right ‘ere!
I don’t, however, have an extra “p”…sorry.
May 29, 2009 at 11:22 am rating: 4
…but seriously, though: Did you hear the one about United’s new curbside service?
May 29, 2009 at 11:24 am rating: 3
Yeah- and WTF with the Hogan’s Heroes TV show? Nazi POW camps were never funny!
May 29, 2009 at 11:25 am rating: 3
They would have been if Richard Dawson was there.
May 29, 2009 at 11:34 am rating: 4
I certainly take offense to the surgeons on M*A*S*H making jokes about the Korean War.
Men died over there for cripes sake!
May 29, 2009 at 11:37 am rating: 7
And the Crusades! Except that was for Christ’s sake.
What did Monty Python think they were doing? (Well, what’s a bit of mixed history between friends?).
Are there any baby jokes? They’re not funny at all, for gripe’s sake!
May 29, 2009 at 11:44 am rating: 9
I always liked it when Eddie Izzard was talking about collecting babies on spikes…
Apparently they taste of chicken…
May 29, 2009 at 11:50 am rating: 4
Ever been to EATBABIES.COM?
May 29, 2009 at 12:08 pm rating: 1
$10 says “Appalled” has a “NEVER FORGET 9-11-2001″ bumper sticker on the back of his/her/its car. Every time I see one of those, I think, “I almost forgot about one of the most tragic events in American history, but thanks to your plastic decal, I remembered!!!!”
May 29, 2009 at 1:55 pm rating: 12
Mishee @ 28.10, that one’s for spikes’ sake, for spikes’ sake!
And Phalange, they do say money talks. Now you’ve just proven it
May 29, 2009 at 3:30 pm rating: 4
In PAN We Trust
May 29, 2009 at 5:10 pm rating: 2
“Apalled”, here’s a ladder. Now get down off your high horse.
The jokes aren’t about 9-11, rather, they are about the response to 9-11.
Nearly 8 years is a long time to be in mourning.
Move forward already.
This from someone who lived close enough to see the Twin Towers go up, and watch them come down.
I had Sunday Brunch at Windows on the World on my first honeymoon, and interviewed for a job on the 76th floor once (a great opportunity that I’m now glad I didn’t get).
So don’t act like you’re the only one who understands the tragedy.
May 29, 2009 at 9:50 pm rating: 17
Wow, CB. You’re nice, providing a ladder and all that. I would have just kicked “Apalled” off the horse.
And did you know that most people make jokes as a way of dealing with an incident. Ever heard of “laughter is the best medicine?” Yeah, that’s what they’re talking about. What ever get’s you through.
Also, out of curiosity, Apalled, do you live in New York?
May 31, 2009 at 7:07 pm rating: 2
Every time I try to kick someone in here I stub my toe!
I figured I’d just explain it this time.
May 31, 2009 at 8:51 pm rating: 0
Ah, so that’s why…. so many of your posts now make scene now.
May 31, 2009 at 11:17 pm rating: 0
Bah. Stupid internet. I didn’t mean to put the second “now” there. I tried to hit the stop button when I realized, but alas it was too late, and the edit link wouldn’t show up. Sorry!
May 31, 2009 at 11:22 pm rating: 0
My posts always make “sense”.
Not my fault if others may not be up to speed.
You need to slow your roll, fluffy.
You don’t know me very well yet, so don’t judge.
Jun 1, 2009 at 2:14 am rating: 0
At work, EVERY FUCKING admin password is somehow related to 9/11. EVERY DAY on multiple occasions we all have to use them. Yeah, I couldn’t forget fucking 9/11 if I slammed my head repeatedly on a spike. Yep, tried.
And we are almost as far from NY as one can get and still be contiguous North America. I expect and invite the slams, but I for one am FUCKING SICK of remembering 9/11.
oh and don’t bother getting sanctimonious on me. at the time of the attack I worked at Boeing and MY PLANES were the 57 & 67, and those airlines were my customers. My location then had trained several of the flight & cabin crews who died. Why don’t I work at Boeing anymore? Well thanks for asking – the downturn in airline travel post-attack caused more than 75% of my dept to be layoffs. I avoided the first 4 layoff rounds in 18 months, but not the 5th. I am quite aware enough without your pissy made in china bumper stickers and magnets. Now please move the fuck on or get the FUCK out of my way.
~Clumber, who already had an idiot users-induced headache
Jun 1, 2009 at 7:34 pm rating: 6
*gets Clumber a nice cup of chamomile tea*
Other things we do not need bumper stickers to remind us of: (1) That a large portion of the world believes Jesus died for our sins. (2) That owners of Chevys think Calvin pees on Fords and owners of Fords think Calvin pees on Chevys. (3) That little twat driving the red convertible is 51% angel and 49% bitch. (4) That your kid is an honor student. I just don’t care.
Jun 1, 2009 at 7:53 pm rating: 6
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz (chamomile tea puts me directly to sleep…. Glo, you may be my new BFF for the day!)
Jun 1, 2009 at 11:30 pm rating: 1
One reason I don’t live anywhere near the city. I cook outside 4-5 times a week and the only thing I hear from my neighbor 1/4 mile away is “it sure smelt great last night”. We are also use to having fires by the pool on cooler New England summer nights. Saturday is planked Salmon and Shrimp cooked by the fire.I am wondering if the Hello Kity note paper is frightening to any one else here.
Team Burn Baby Burn
May 29, 2009 at 9:25 am rating: 9
And the price you pay for that is having to live in New England.
May 29, 2009 at 9:32 am rating: 8
I didn’t know you could bbq smelt.
May 29, 2009 at 9:40 am rating: 12
Gdad, can I come live with you?
May 29, 2009 at 9:57 am rating: 3
I’ve tried, Wade, and those little suckers keep slipping through the grates into the coals!
May 29, 2009 at 10:05 am rating: 5
I saw Alton Brown do it on Good Eats he puts the smelt right on the coals! That nigga is crazy, yo!
May 29, 2009 at 11:12 am rating: 3
Nothing wrong with smelt; it’s how I learnt to write it in school, or perhaps I dreamt it.
May 29, 2009 at 11:20 am rating: 4
Won’t let me edit, so, in addition: That was when I dreamt a little dream of me. This stream of consciousness (not really) is being streamt to you live. Via the smelt. Who live in said stream.
May 29, 2009 at 11:23 am rating: 5
Got to use a basket, if not it is a burnt smelt…
May 29, 2009 at 11:23 am rating: 3
Yes, but he who smelt it, dealt it!
May 29, 2009 at 11:27 am rating: 5
He who smelt it, dealt it.
DAMN YOU BUNNEE!!!
May 29, 2009 at 11:28 am rating: 4
*gives Mark a thumb for being part of a gmta exchange*
May 29, 2009 at 11:39 am rating: 1
Um Bunnee? He who articulated it, particulated it.
May 29, 2009 at 6:52 pm rating: 4
Hello Kitty is meant to be the mediator between the guy’s Ned Flandersesque persona and his really evil murderous bbq hating alter ego. The handwriting is so male and yet the stationary so …well not male. So many contradictions, what the note is saying is “Your ass better move that bbq or else!”
Jun 1, 2009 at 12:23 am rating: 0
I like to smoke people out too.
Then we usually eat BBQ….
And ice cream…
And a Snickers bar…
May 29, 2009 at 9:31 am rating: 15
…and Jethro-sized bowls of Lucky Charms, and…
May 29, 2009 at 9:59 am rating: 4
…don’t forget Bagel Bites….
and Pop Tarts….
May 29, 2009 at 10:12 am rating: 3
Just popped the last bite of a cherry Pop Tart in my mouth as part of a “nutritious” breakfast. Mmmm, Pop Tarts……
May 29, 2009 at 10:16 am rating: 1
You mean out-smoke people, don’t you, Chimney?
May 29, 2009 at 11:43 am rating: 8
May 29, 2009 at 12:05 pm rating: 3
May 29, 2009 at 5:49 pm rating: 1
Smoke seeps through walls and closed windows? So do you think my mom knew I was smoking pot in my room, even though I exhaled through the paper towel roll stuffed with dryer sheets?
May 29, 2009 at 9:43 am rating: 5
That depends. Were you standing on the closed toilet, blowing it into the exhaust fan?
*makes mental note: must buy more dryer sheets*
May 29, 2009 at 9:58 am rating: 3
Yes she knew, if she didn’t bust you then she just didn’t care. Maybe she was sneaking from your stash.
May 29, 2009 at 12:51 pm rating: 3
Hmmm… dryer sheets you say? Uh, I mean… Weed is for Whackers…. yes… whackers…
May 29, 2009 at 7:06 pm rating: 2
team bbq. the city is filled with people doing things you may not like, get used to it.
May 29, 2009 at 9:55 am rating: 11
I’m just amused by the PAN-writer’s logic that smoke is something allowable exclusively in the suburbs. People move here to the big city for the clean air, obviously.
May 29, 2009 at 10:05 am rating: 45
you, sir, are my hero.
May 29, 2009 at 10:37 am rating: 8
Lordy, don’t you know we burn everything out here in the sticks..It’s not just the BBQ, but leaves and yard trash, garbage,old furniture and appliances, you name it. The smell of the smoke lets us know what our nieghbor down the road is up to.
May 29, 2009 at 11:28 am rating: 8
T – Thank you! Ratings are updated every 15 minutes, dontcha’ know!
Jun 1, 2009 at 11:35 pm rating: 1
That BBQ’d Hello Kitty was fucking delicious!
May 29, 2009 at 10:29 am rating: 2
May 31, 2009 at 3:47 pm rating: 2
Yep. I know it’s tired. I know they danced around the phrase earlier. But it is most appropriate for this topic.
Had I been the one to receive either note, this would have been my exact reply:
“Thanks for your concern; the barbecue was fucking delicious!”
Jun 3, 2009 at 2:37 pm rating: 0
I will stop barbequing when:
• Apartment 9 buys a baby diaper sealer machine, so the hallway doesn’t reek of babyshit,
• Apartment 11 stops cooking with curry,
• Apartment 13 gets rid of at least three of those feral cats that rule the fire escape,
• Apartment 15 replaces that soggy, wretched doormat,
• Apartment 17 quits cooking microwave popcorn,
• Apartment 19 throws out those skater sneakers left by the front door…
…in short, I live with your stench, now- live with mine.
May 29, 2009 at 10:51 am rating: 31
Wow, it sounds like you live in a really odiferous place. I’d take BBQ smoke over those smells any day!
May 29, 2009 at 11:06 am rating: 5
Apartment 11 only cooks with curry because without it, everything takes on the taste and odor of babyshit and feral cat. The feral cats are also responsible for the soggy, wretched doormat at Apartment 15. That only leaves 2 problem apartments. Team toilet or litter train.
May 30, 2009 at 1:55 am rating: 4
Good tenants always live in even-numbered apartments. I wonder why that is?
May 30, 2009 at 2:21 pm rating: 2
Because they are not odd? (babump bump)
May 30, 2009 at 2:48 pm rating: 3
You’d make a good running-back, ‘Rilla!
You know how to take a hand-off!!
May 30, 2009 at 3:00 pm rating: 1
All those years of barrio living, homes…Got to grab what you can…
May 30, 2009 at 3:30 pm rating: 1
You can grab my can…and not take the hand off!
Oops…is this where the Prude Patrol steps in?
May 30, 2009 at 4:54 pm rating: 1
I’m actually pretty good at giving hand jobs..(prude patrol can bite me)
May 30, 2009 at 5:03 pm rating: 1
Can I bite you, too?
May 31, 2009 at 2:10 pm rating: 2
Mama, the things you ask…yeah sure. The prude pa-troll must be at church so we had better be quick.
May 31, 2009 at 2:20 pm rating: 1
STOP BARBECUING YOUR KILLING ANTHONY GROSSO
THANK YOU TERRY
May 29, 2009 at 11:15 am rating: 14
I give you a thumb for sheer nostalgia.
May 29, 2009 at 1:12 pm rating: 2
Be careful Glo, if you thumb him too much, he could cry “Rape”!
May 29, 2009 at 1:19 pm rating: 4
Isn’t Anthony dead yet?
Jun 3, 2009 at 2:39 pm rating: 0
This is not the suburbs but a block of apt blogs in the big city. Oh, it’s all getting so meta.
May 29, 2009 at 11:29 am rating: 4
Good article, the advertisment is sold?
May 29, 2009 at 11:47 am rating: 1
Good barbeque, the apartment is sold?
May 29, 2009 at 11:54 am rating: 3
I just noticed the tags which states the Hello Kitty note is from Oakland.
Doesn’t this note writer realize the dangers of trying to separate an Oakland resident from his BBQ?
They should be expecting gunshots at their door any day now…
May 29, 2009 at 11:58 am rating: 3
They may as well have told them that the Raiders play like old ladies (don’t say it)…
May 29, 2009 at 12:07 pm rating: 3
I think that if you live in Oakland you expect gunshots at your door every day.
May 29, 2009 at 12:13 pm rating: 4
Word, yo. Gunshots in Oak-town be like crickets out in the country.
May 29, 2009 at 12:47 pm rating: 4
Or like garbage dumps in New Jersey?
May 29, 2009 at 11:02 pm rating: 1
Wait..You mean to say that they did not go out on the balcony and scream down to the offenders in stereotypical NY fashion.
May 29, 2009 at 12:04 pm rating: 2
Obviously the BBQing offenders were black and if there’s one thing New Yorkers know it’s that you don’t yell at black people unless your Italian and you have them outnumbered.
May 29, 2009 at 12:45 pm rating: 14
But my Italian and I are only two people. We can only yell at one Black person at a time?
May 29, 2009 at 1:54 pm rating: 15
Snippy points out the huge difference between “your” and “you’re”
Too bad he had to do it to claw.
*doesn’t want to stick around for the aftermath*
May 29, 2009 at 1:59 pm rating: 7
Either way it works and it’s still funny. Sort of.
May 29, 2009 at 2:03 pm rating: 5
Seriously? The barbeque? One freaking day? Maybe a few hours here and there – right?
I hope that a chain smoker moves in next door to these whiners. I lived next to a couple who chain smoked inside for a year and it was hellish. All my clothes smelled like smoke, not to mention my apartment! I also got pneumonia twice so that was cool too!
May 29, 2009 at 12:55 pm rating: 0
When I lived in New York my place was next to Kelsey Grammer’s. This was back in 96 when he was still drinking. He was also dating his current wife, Camille who is best known for having Irritable Bowel Syndrome.
It was terrible. Kelsey would come home drunk, often parking his Jag right on top of my scooter. He’d puke in the hallway before stomping into his apartment and firing up his gas fireplace. Then he’d start buring his fan mail and stray plastic bottles out of his trash. Dark, acrid smoke would fill the air.
Then he’d start calling Camille “Lilith” and they’d have sex. Rough sex. Sex that rattled Cammille’s senstive bowels.
His master suite was up against our living room and we could hear every sound. Him grunting in that special way only the most dedicated drunks can muster and Camille squealing.
Then she’d shit herself.
At first you’d hear the squishing and the squirting. Then the smell. That horrible stench that comes from feces that hasn’t been processed by the enzymes in the large instestine.
The smell of colostomy and sex mingled with aroma of puke and the vector of charred plastic carried it throughout the neighboring units. Permeating everything. You couldn’t get the smell out. The fumes from the burnt plastic formed a molecular bond with anything they came in contact with.
That was the most excruciating year of my life.
May 29, 2009 at 1:51 pm rating: 14
Yeah, good times.
May 29, 2009 at 1:55 pm rating: 1
That’s bullshit claw.
We all know coke heads can’t get it up.
May 29, 2009 at 1:57 pm rating: 6
I’m not sure what’s a more disturbing image, the rampant shitting or Kelsey Grammer having sex.
Although Kelsey Grammer having sex did at some point produce his smoking hot daughter, so at least that’s a good point.
May 29, 2009 at 2:01 pm rating: 0
fecal mist? ewww now I have to go wash my hands and face and brain…………….
No I better take shower.
May 29, 2009 at 2:14 pm rating: 3
Oi, just make sure you don’t flush the toilet, then. Because fecal mist gets EVERYWHERE. Even on your TOOTHBRUSH. And probably on the shower head too. You should be showering in fecal mist!
May 29, 2009 at 2:17 pm rating: 6
I hate you!
May 29, 2009 at 2:19 pm rating: 5
I’m still trying to get the image of Kelsey Grammer having sex *shudder* out of my head.
May 29, 2009 at 2:44 pm rating: 3
coke sex = crazy all-night and into morning sex
(or, more accurately)
coke sex = crazy until you run out of coke sex
May 29, 2009 at 6:21 pm rating: 4
Claw ≠ scooter in my own crazy myopic impression… Somehow I was imaging more like a MadMaxed vehicle tearing down the roads, woe be to idiots with “SmartCar”s….
Clearly, I simply don’t know shit. Or Claw. (Though I still tremble with fear….)
It was only due to my raging user-induced headache that I was able to avoid stopping on my way home to buy a cheapo grill, some Kingsford, and the biggest hunk of dead cow, marbled to perfection, and hopefully from that yummy-looking Angus ranch just 2 exits down the freeway from me… So many new baby steaks out there! Aww shit.. anyone know anywhere I can buy a cheapo grill at 9pm??
Just for fuck’s sake, PLEASE, not at 9:11.
Jun 1, 2009 at 11:43 pm rating: 0
I just loved the 9/11 references.
“You’re either with us, or you’re with the barbequers.”
May 29, 2009 at 1:04 pm rating: 10
Ooh! I call being with the barbequers!! They have food…
May 29, 2009 at 10:44 pm rating: 4
Dear Self-Appointed Hero,
No one told you to run into a smoke-filled burning building with no protection over your face. Your stupidity will not affect my lifestyle. Please read your lease.
Neighbor Who Can Breathe
May 29, 2009 at 1:41 pm rating: 4
Nope, no one had to tell them to do their jobs in a brave and valorous manner.
They just put their heads down and got on with saving the lives of thousands of nameless, faceless people.
May 29, 2009 at 10:06 pm rating: 4
Barbequers hate Freedom(TM).
May 29, 2009 at 1:54 pm rating: 4
No, BBQers hate mosquitoes.
May 29, 2009 at 10:34 pm rating: 5
Yes, but they love mesquite!
May 29, 2009 at 10:57 pm rating: 5
The barbecuers should put an oxygen mask in a big Omaha Steak box and leave it in front of the note writer’s door.
May 29, 2009 at 3:55 pm rating: 1
Mask but no O2 concentrator? No tubing?
What’s it for? Halloween?
May 29, 2009 at 11:02 pm rating: 0
LOL – forgot about all that! I thought it all came together as a package deal.
May 30, 2009 at 7:21 pm rating: 1
Is 9-11 the new Goodwin’s Law?
May 29, 2009 at 5:32 pm rating: 6
reductio ad 911um
Jun 3, 2009 at 10:19 am rating: 0
The note writers are right, but for a different reason: BBQ smells are annoying if you’re sitting on the couch with a frozen dinner watching old “I Love Lucy” reruns while the smell of ribs, pulled pork, and barbecue chicken wafts up to your window… and your stomach longs for a plate of all that and baked beans, burnt ends, and creamy potato salad, to sit outside and chat with friends, letting the nice cool breeze rush past you as you reach for another corn-on-the-cob and perhaps some of that deep red watermelon you have been eyein’…. oh… I loathe BBQers…
May 29, 2009 at 7:19 pm rating: 11
Fluffs? I’ll get a grill tomorrow and some hunks of various cuts of critters from the farm, and you’re totally invited and can then leave a note on PowderPuffGirls Stationery to anyone you want to inform of their not-invited state.
Even me. Since I haven’t even tried to faceplant the entire threads and original posters about the difference between BBQ-ing and Grilling.
Jun 1, 2009 at 11:59 pm rating: 1
Aww. That’s just sad, that’s what that is.
You come on down here to Huntsville, AL, and I’ll BBQ for y’all. Bring some friends. Nobody complains about the smell of MY barbecue.
Jun 3, 2009 at 2:48 pm rating: 0
*complains about the smell of mastertwisted’s barbecue, while trying to hide mouth full of yummy pulled pork and baked beans*
Jun 3, 2009 at 2:59 pm rating: 0
so what movie is this from?
Jun 3, 2009 at 3:47 pm rating: 0
No, seriously. I live in the South. It’s kinda what we do when we aren’t shootin’ guns and drinking beer.
Damn. Now I’m hungry for some ribs.
Jun 3, 2009 at 5:15 pm rating: 0
Good article, Thanks. my name Philip.
May 29, 2009 at 7:22 pm rating: 0
A block of apartment buildings in one of the most air polluted cities of America and this person is complaining about BBQ smoke polluting the air around them ?
I’m guessing note writer wasn’t invited to the BBQ for a good reason…sheesh…
May 29, 2009 at 9:26 pm rating: 9
Thanks for sharing~
Summer time fun:)
And you can visit me if I can visit you:)
May 29, 2009 at 9:55 pm rating: 0
Barbecue smoke might cause cancer, but you are going to feel really stupid when you are in the hospital dying of nothing.
May 29, 2009 at 11:27 pm rating: 4
We’re all dying of something.
Our fatal diagnosis?
Chronic Alive Syndrome!!
May 29, 2009 at 11:35 pm rating: 7
My brother-in-law suffers greatly from Chronic Alive Syndrome (or CAS). He’s always trying to get me to go jogging, biking, or other life threatening activities.
Doctors say there’s no cure.
May 30, 2009 at 6:22 pm rating: 4
Sadly, no. No cure.
Life is a death sentence.
May 30, 2009 at 6:33 pm rating: 2
Just to see if the first note writer was right, I attached a weber grill to the side of my house.
The only way to do it is to put it perpendicular to the ground.
You then wrap the charcoal in wiremesh so that it fits snugly enough not to fall to the ground.
The meat is easily attached to the grill via wire, or nuts and bolts, or even powerful magnets.
The process worked, but the meat didn’t retain the barbecue sauce as well as I had hoped, resulting in a somewhat bland taste experience.
I would only use this method again, when some ingenius masterchef invents a super-sticky sauce, or when the normal laws of gravity are less stringent than they are at present.
For those who want to give it a shot — use tongs, not a spatula.
May 30, 2009 at 8:20 pm rating: 4
You have to use the North side of the house, TOS. Otherwise things tend to fall off!
May 30, 2009 at 10:19 pm rating: 3
CB, My nuts did the job.
May 31, 2009 at 12:59 am rating: 2
TOS, if I saw your nuts, I’d bolt out of here!!
May 31, 2009 at 9:08 am rating: 5
TOS, you must stop wearing those transparent pants, we can clearly see you’re nuts.
May 31, 2009 at 1:33 pm rating: 4
Killing me softly with your smoke.
May 31, 2009 at 12:13 am rating: 3
I won’t give you any Flack over this one!
May 31, 2009 at 12:54 am rating: 6
They burned down the condo building
It died with an awful sound
They just had to have a bbq
Our condo, the nasty smoke was bound
When it all was over
We had to find another place
But this time it’ll be our own house
Coz in the burbs, the smoke dissipates
Smoke on the water, fire in the sky
May 31, 2009 at 4:26 pm rating: 1
The T is silent
♪ The ribs, the ribs, the ribs are on fire.
We just want to BBQ let the motherfuckers burn.
burn motherfuckers burn! ♪
May 31, 2009 at 4:35 pm rating: 1
Meh, many BBQ’ers deserve PAN.
Like the ones who decided to start a BBQ right under the clean laundry I’d just hung out to dry.
May 31, 2009 at 4:22 am rating: 2
Wearing hickory scented clothes to work on Monday makes your coworkers think you had a fun weekend.
Just like when you show up with a suntan and they feel compelled to ask where you vacationed!
May 31, 2009 at 9:16 am rating: 3
But my tan is year-round..
May 31, 2009 at 11:13 am rating: 2
HA! You call that a tan?!
Check mine out!
May 31, 2009 at 11:49 am rating: 3
So where did you go…?
May 31, 2009 at 12:08 pm rating: 3
For my tan?
Worst cruise evar!!
May 31, 2009 at 12:39 pm rating: 2
Makes you look so healthy though.Well rested.
May 31, 2009 at 12:51 pm rating: 2
Naw. That’s just boredom.
May 31, 2009 at 1:01 pm rating: 2
Hear, hear! New Note!
May 31, 2009 at 6:45 pm rating: 0
Hickory scented maybe, burnt meat scented? Less so.
Jun 1, 2009 at 2:47 am rating: 0
Strike that, no reply is necessary.
Sorry about your laundry.
You were clearly upset about it.
Jun 1, 2009 at 3:03 am rating: 0
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May 31, 2009 at 1:51 pm rating: 0
May 31, 2009 at 2:14 pm rating: 2
Don’t go there, mama! I’m sure it’s a trap!
May 31, 2009 at 3:53 pm rating: 0
Whoa. I’m confused.
I can’t read anything on that page. But the mermaid’s pretty.
May 31, 2009 at 4:00 pm rating: 0
What exactly is a “kyivska” prostitute? Do you have to pay extra for that?
Jun 1, 2009 at 8:51 am rating: 0
i love the hello kitty paper and love the fact that they took the time to write the note instead of just having a passive aggressive conversation with the barbequers.
May 31, 2009 at 2:30 pm rating: 0
How can someone talk about carcinogenic stuff and still look cute? Do it in a hello kitty stationery.
Jun 3, 2009 at 5:49 pm rating: 0
While we’re at it, how can anyone still swim in the ocean after the tsunami in the esub-continent? Or live on land after the chinese earthquake?
BBQ’ing in NY after 9-11¨ is madness. This must end NOW!
Jun 5, 2009 at 5:01 am rating: 0
in other words…the butterflies are passive-aggressive
[...] related: hello kancer! [...]
Jun 17, 2009 at 11:31 am rating: 0
Team Deviated Septum on this one. Having allergies and breathing problems is a bitch.
Also some people do have serious lung ailments since 9/11.
I did LOL a bit at the Hello Kitty PAN, though. It’s just so cute and smiley.
Jun 29, 2009 at 10:03 am rating: 0
you’re very welcome!
[...] related: blowing smoke [...]
Oct 20, 2009 at 1:08 am rating: 0
a bitter pill to swallow | PassiveAggressiveNotes.com
[...] related: your BBQ = 9/11 [...]
Dec 17, 2009 at 1:01 am rating: 0
2011: The Top Notes of the Year
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2009: The Best Notes of the Year
2008: Your Favorite Notes of the Year
Carnivores: keep being awesome!
actually totally reasonable
a little patronizing
clip art catastrophe
flowers, trees, houseplants & gardens
landlords and property managers
Moms & Dads
more aggressive than passive
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now that's management
sex sex sex
signed with love
spelling and grammar police
thanks (but not really)
unnecessary "quotation marks"
You call that punctuation?