analog version of a facebook wall post

June 1st, 2009 · 160 comments

this note appeared on the whiteboard in whitney’s dorm room the day after she got in a fight with her roommate, ashley, and accused her of using her friends. the note was written by ashley’s cousin, angela, and while addressed to “ash,” seems more directed at the room’s other resident.

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FILED UNDER: austin · mean girls · roommates · signed with love · university · whiteboard

160 responses so far ↓

#1 JoelWhy

Sorry, but the “no matter what anybody says” seems to be a passive aggressive swipe at Ash. This poster manage to simultaneously attack both the roommate and Ash in one passive swoop. Brilliant!

Jun 1, 2009 at 7:58 pm rating: +9

reply to this comment
- #1.1 tahall62
  
  I agree, although the swipe is probably unintentional. Kinda like ‘Everyone else thinks you’re a jerk, but I like you.”
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 2:15 pm rating: +3
add to this thread
#2 park rose

Which comes first? The chicken or the egg? I believe that ‘glo knows.

Jun 1, 2009 at 8:01 pm rating: +2

reply to this comment
- #2.1 TheOldSchool
  
  Usually, it’s the rooster (at least it is, according to the studies I’ve … read).
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 2:13 am rating: +11
- #2.2 Mark
  
  I ate the chicken, and then I ate his leg.
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 10:45 am rating: +6
- #2.3 mamason
  
  Why did the chicken cross the road?
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 12:49 pm rating: 0
- #2.4 fluffy8u
  
  Chicken? What’s all this talk about chicken? Why, I had an uncle who thought he was a chicken. My aunt almost divorced him, but we needed the eggs.
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 2:07 pm rating: +4
- #2.5 tahall62
  
  Thanks Annie.
  
  How about lobster for dinner?
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 2:14 pm rating: +1
- #2.6 Sarcastraphe
  
  One of my favorite movies ever… nice one tahall and fluffy
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 8:21 pm rating: 0
add to this thread
#3 anglophile

I expect that the Ashley/Whitney roommate name combination is a popular one, perhaps third on the list behind Brittany/Jessica and Taylor/Amanda.

Jun 1, 2009 at 8:06 pm rating: +18

reply to this comment
- #3.1 Mishee™
  
  Ashley & Whitney?
  
  What is this, A Different World?
  
  Where’s Dwayne Wayne??
  
  Jun 1, 2009 at 9:40 pm rating: +15
- #3.2 unfortunate names
  
  hey hey hey! oh wait that’s a different Dwayne
  
  Jun 1, 2009 at 11:17 pm rating: +1
- #3.3 Canthz_B
  
  I think A Different World was a “Whitley”.
  
  Jun 1, 2009 at 11:54 pm rating: +3
- #3.4 MissMelony
  
  It was Whitley, however i think there was a similar friends issue but i think it was solved by dancing or some other art form
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 1:19 am rating: +5
- #3.5 Sarcastraphe
  
  *dons his round flip up sunglasses*
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 1:51 am rating: +5
- #3.6 Canthz_B
  
  Yeah MissMelony, those black people always dance and sing their troubles away.
  I so admire that about them.
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 2:17 am rating: +9
- #3.7 mamason
  
  “i think it was solved by dancing or some other art form”
  
  That was “Fame.”
  
  ♫ … baby remember my name…
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 2:22 am rating: +7
- #3.8 Sarcastraphe
  
  All I remember from Fame is Irene Cara’s shame at having to take her shirt off for that opportunistic videographer… baby, I do remember your name and your A cup size.
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 2:24 am rating: +3
- #3.9 mamason
  
  Yeah. I’m surprised that we allow women with small breasts to live. We should at least have them sterilized so that they quit fucking up the gene pool. Maybe we could begin lobbying for government subsidized breast augmentation for those mammary challenged individuals. There are just so many options I’m surprised this is still a problem.
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 2:35 am rating: +19
- #3.10 Sarcastraphe
  
  What the hell is this taste in my mouth? It’s metallic and kind of gritty… oh yeah, i recognize this taste… it is shame
  
  Mamason… Angela says that, no matter what anyone else says, I love the small breasts that love me back
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 2:37 am rating: +7
- #3.11 Canthz_B
  
  You sure don’t know mamason very well.
  She has nothing to be ashamed about in that department.
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 2:42 am rating: +1
- #3.12 Sarcastraphe
  
  I have reread my post 35 times and i don’t remember suggesting she did. The shame was mine at the type-lashing
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 2:44 am rating: +8
- #3.13 Sarcastraphe
  
  and… if it is any condolence to anyone out there, my breasts are small too
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 2:45 am rating: +4
- #3.14 Canthz_B
  
  “Mamason… Angela says that, no matter what anyone else says, I love the small breasts that love me back ”
  
  “my breasts are small too “
  
  Sound familiar?
  
  Hers are not itty-bitty-titties.
  Be content to console yourself.
  She’s doing just fine.
  
  And “condolence”?
  Isn’t “consolation” still a word?
  What are they teaching these kids today?!
  Do they still have vocabulary tests every Friday?
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 2:48 am rating: +2
- #3.15 mamason
  
  Sarcastraphe,
  I’d like to be the judge of that…
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 2:49 am rating: +3
- #3.16 Sarcastraphe
  
  That can be arranged Mamason… visiting hours in The Bates Asylum where I take my residence are Thursdays and Sundays from 6-8 pm est.
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 2:55 am rating: +3
- #3.17 mamason
  
  Play nice, CB. The comparison was with Irene, not with me.
  
  *CB always defends my cleavage* They should make a tv show called leave it to cleavage.
  
  I miss Irene Cara, although I do remember hating the blunt cut bangs she sported at one time in the ’80’s. I thought it was most unattractive. And what ever happened to Rae Dawn Chong?
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 2:59 am rating: +3
- #3.18 Sarcastraphe
  
  Hey CB…
  
  http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/condolence
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 3:00 am rating: +2
- #3.19 Sarcastraphe
  
  Hey CB…
  
  I was homeschooled in a Branch Davidian compound take it easy
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 3:01 am rating: +5
- #3.20 Canthz_B
  
  Okay, you know how protective I am of you, mamason.
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 3:01 am rating: +1
- #3.21 Canthz_B
  
  So you were trying to say “If it’s any expression of sympathy…”?
  Or were you trying to “alleviate the grief”, which console means?
  Words…use them appropriately.
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 3:08 am rating: +2
- #3.22 Sarcastraphe
  
  You are absolutely right CB. I am terribly sorry to have offended you with a poorly chosen word when the word consolation would have been so much more appropriate. My shame at sullying the internet’s good reputation with such poor grammar could not be greater.
  
  I would like to apologize to everyone here who had to experience this atrocious malapropism and would like to thank Canthz for his very kind spirited correction.
  
  I think the job of forum grammar officer isn’t appreciated enough. It takes a very special person to take on such a difficult and overwhelming task. It is sort of like the conscientious person who takes his Swiffer duster to the landfill everyday just to keep things tidy.
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 3:14 am rating: +51
- #3.23 Canthz_B
  
  de nada
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 3:26 am rating: +2
- #3.24 TheOldSchool
  
  sarcastrophe,
  
  Just so you know: I, unlike those in the cobbling community, DO accept apologies in the form of cc and debit cards. (Paypal, too.)
  
  Keep in mind, I was emotionally distraught by your word choice, so don’t hold back when it’s time to make your amends.
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 3:29 am rating: +12
- #3.25 Sarcastraphe
  
  I am putting together a website for a class action lawsuit for those who suffered terribly due to this infraction on my part… i will forward on the site to you when it is ready OldSchool. I am sorry for your emotional distress and the loss of your joi de vivre.
  
  (oh no, I didn’t capitalize that second I… crap)
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 3:36 am rating: +18
- #3.26 mamason
  
  Hey! I… crap too!
  
  *assumes the ellipsis is for emphasis on pausing to push*
  
  There’s something wrong with me.
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 3:42 am rating: +10
- #3.27 Sarcastraphe
  
  The ellipsis was me holding down the period while I suffered through some temporary epilepsy
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 3:45 am rating: +5
- #3.28 mamason
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 3:46 am rating: +3
- #3.29 anglophile
  
  Getting back to boobs….
  
  Sarcastraphe, I have been informed again and again that anything more than a handful is a waste.
  
  He seems to be sincere about it.
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 8:15 am rating: +2
- #3.30 Canthz_B
  
  Hmm, a back-edit after I went to bed involving a landfill and a Swiffer. And after I’d left it so nicely too.
  How quaint.
  I’m not usually bothered by word choices.
  But your attempt to pull up a definition to justify the use of a wrong word just got under my skin a bit.
  You see, I know what the word condolence means, that’s how I knew you chose the wrong word.
  Sometimes just being contrite when one is in the wrong is better than to continue on as if one is mistake-free.
  You’ve proved that you are not as dumb as a stump, also that you are a drama queen.
  Apologizing while insulting isn’t much of an apology.
  My joke here is…well, there is no joke.
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 8:27 am rating: +3
- #3.31 fantasy
  
  ‘Glo, I am most definately in the waste not, want not category.
  
  I always heard it as “anything more than a mouthfull.”
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 9:08 am rating: +2
- #3.32 fantasy
  
  oh, crap, I meant mouthful.
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 9:39 am rating: +1
- #3.33 Sarcastraphe
  
  Wow CB, you are like a terrier with a soup bone.
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 10:16 am rating: +7
- #3.34 oi!
  
  oh god, do not start CB bashing session this early pleaaaaase!Nobody then pays attention to actual note comments. I learned from experience that’s inevitable but I am only asking for some time!
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 10:49 am rating: +2
- #3.35 Sarcastraphe
  
  Mamasan,
  Rae Dawn Chong!? Man, that brings back memories… i used to have the biggest crush on her and her HUGE hair! What did happen to her?
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 11:01 am rating: +3
- #3.36 oi!
  
  ok I am totally confused about Sarcastraphe’s gender now.
  ohhhhhhhhhhh I see now.
  sorry my bad.
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 12:03 pm rating: +1
- #3.37 mamason
  
  That’s ok, oi! We all tend to be a bit gender confused or at least bi-curious, here.
  
  I loved RDC. She was so hot! The last I remember seeing of her, was in a movie with the now governor of CA. Maybe he crushed her up and added her to his morning protein drink when they finished filming.
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 12:58 pm rating: +2
- #3.38 oi!
  
  huh! That adds third alternative about him/her.
  I had just two scenes: manboob or girl on girl.
  sheesh! I can’t keep up with today’s generation!
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 1:23 pm rating: 0
- #3.39 Sarcastraphe
  
  Mamason… that was Commando I think. Maybe he did crush her up into a protein shake. As I hear it Rae rage beats roid rage 10 to 1.
  
  Oi… my husband says to quit trying to guess my gender
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 1:38 pm rating: +4
- #3.40 fluffy8u
  
  Sarcastraphe, does your husband want the guessing to stop because he is also trying to guess your gender?
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 2:30 pm rating: +3
- #3.41 Sarcastraphe
  
  Yeah Fluff, our relationship is a lot like an episode of It’s Pat. He is always asking me leading questions to try and figure out the mystery. Last night he asked me, “Hon, which do you think is your greatest asset; your adams apple or your uterus?”
  
  And I said, “An apple sounds so good right now.”
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 2:38 pm rating: +7
- #3.42 Sarcastraphe
  
  Truth be told I have been coming here for a while and laughing at you guys and June 1st I decided I wanted to play to. But Canthz started gunning for me from the get go with niceties like, “Timing is everything, asshole!”
  
  At that point I didn’t want to let on that I was a girl cause I was a bit shocked… but what the hell.
  
  I guess I am a drama queen
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 6:49 pm rating: +5
- #3.43 TheOldSchool
  
  A friendly tip of the party hat to GLO for writing the best lead sentence to a PAN comment that I’ve ever read. (3.29)
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 8:39 pm rating: +1
- #3.44 Beanster
  
  @ missmelony 3.4 I love how “Fame” and “A Different World” were confused. Do you live in Canada and watch Much Music? because those shows are on back to back every day at 12:30.
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 9:44 pm rating: 0
- #3.45 MissMelony
  
  No I was actually referring to a specific episode of A different world where there was a similar squabble as this note. I references song and other art forms and for some reason we got on FAME and boobs… not that i mind… i enjoy films about song and dance and I think boobs are awesome and mine are fantastic… and i do feel sorry for itty bitty titty club members… but getting back to your point, I’m American and African American for that matter, but I do like the line up on Canadian tv
  
  also i enjoyed the boob discussion more than the gender identification one…
  
  Jun 3, 2009 at 1:27 am rating: 0
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#4 park rose

Ash’s checklist for friends. Why do you love me? Because of my:

a/ legs
b/ brains
c/ back
d/ personality.

Please circle one. Only the Cs qualify of course. In PAN land everyone knows that you is a synonym for your and you’re.

How do you love me? is another question for another time.

Jun 1, 2009 at 8:07 pm rating: +3

reply to this comment
- #4.1 park rose
  
  Oh well, and maybe I will answer that question.
  
  How do you love me? Let me count the ways. . .
  
  1. on my back
  
  2. behind my back
  
  3. talking back
  
  4.
  
  PANister’s I challenge you to take up the gauntlet.
  
  Jun 1, 2009 at 8:10 pm rating: +3
- #4.2 Woman on the Verge
  
  4. ass-backwards?
  
  Jun 1, 2009 at 8:16 pm rating: +2
- #4.3 park rose
  
  5. ass-panda backwards?
  She’s into furries.
  
  Jun 1, 2009 at 8:47 pm rating: +3
- #4.4 mamason
  
  Bass-ackwards?
  
  Jun 1, 2009 at 9:21 pm rating: +3
- #4.5 mamason
  
  Back & forth?
  
  Jun 1, 2009 at 9:22 pm rating: +2
- #4.6 TheOldSchool
  
  6. on or under Whitney’s desk.
  7. on Whitney’s bed with Whitney’s pillow getting the money shot.
  8. in my bedroom in my mom’s basement (don’t worry, she hardly ever comes down here, once a month, tops, to peel dried cum-socks off the floor, and to open the little window).
  
  Jun 1, 2009 at 9:23 pm rating: +2
- #4.7 TheOldSchool
  
  to and fro?
  
  hither and dither?
  
  favoring the back nine?
  
  tethered and feathered?
  
  in stocks and bondage?
  
  while dripping like a fucked-up fridge?
  
  after you give your regards to the downstairs staff?
  
  when tired of jackin’ the beanstalk?
  
  tootily and fruitily?
  
  grudgingly and disinterestedly?
  
  after you let the twins out?
  
  like Pop-eye wolfing down Olive’s spinach pie?
  
  Jun 1, 2009 at 9:42 pm rating: +5
- #4.8 TheOldSchool
  
  like a tractor through the corn?
  
  like Auntie Em’s and Uncle Henry’s screen door?
  
  like when boo was fucking hoo?
  
  with crowd pleasing gusto?
  
  Jun 1, 2009 at 9:49 pm rating: +2
- #4.9 tahall62
  
  In a boat.
  With a goat…
  
  And I will love Ash in the rain.
  In the dark. And on a train.
  And in a car. And in a tree.
  She is so hot, so hot, you see!
  
  So I will love Ash in a box.
  And I will love Ash with a fox.
  And I will love Ash in a house.
  And I will love Ash with a mouse.
  And I will love Ash here and there.
  Say! I will love her ANYWHERE!
  
  I do so like
  Ashley and ham!
  But Angela digs Sam-I-am!
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 2:38 pm rating: +5
add to this thread
#5 racerx2233

P.S. can I borrow your pink sweater
?

Jun 1, 2009 at 8:10 pm rating: +6

reply to this comment
- #5.1 ClearlyDemented
  
  Show of hands, how many people just know Ash is the same size as Angela and has great clothes?
  
  Jun 1, 2009 at 9:21 pm rating: +10
- #5.2 fluffy8u
  
  Hand!
  
  Jun 1, 2009 at 10:09 pm rating: +2
- #5.3 TheOldSchool
  
  P.S. can I borrow your hand?
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 1:51 am rating: +3
- #5.4 anglophile
  
  ☚ ☛ ☜ ☝ ☞ ☟
  
  I’m a one-trick pony.
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 8:18 am rating: +4
- #5.5 fantasy
  
  that looks like ASL, is that a sign language PAN?
  
  That last finger should be “The Nasty Finger”. The universal love note.
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 9:27 am rating: +2
- #5.6 TheOldSchool
  
  glo,
  
  A long time ago, I got bucked off of a shetland pony named “Daisy.”
  
  Even though I didn’t cry, I still get teased about it.
  
  C’mon, people! Let bygones be bygones. Life’s too short to waste time obsessing over farm mishaps.
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 12:01 pm rating: +2
- #5.7 anglophile
  
  Ponies are notoriously picky, TOS. They don’t give just anybody a ride.
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 12:08 pm rating: +6
- #5.8 TheOldSchool
  
  Hmmm. I guess it’s not a good thing when a farm animal is more discretionary than I am.
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 12:36 pm rating: +2
add to this thread
#6 Woman on the Verge

Ash is very loving towards the friends that love her back. All of her other friends can go to hell.

Jun 1, 2009 at 8:15 pm rating: +19

reply to this comment
- #6.1 Beanster
  
  to the friends that don’t love her back she gives all the dead skin she sloughed off of it.
  
  Jun 1, 2009 at 10:24 pm rating: +10
- #6.2 park rose
  
  How’d she do that? Particularly flexible, or a very long scrapey flannely thingy, or loofah?
  
  The sloughing, not the giving.
  
  Jun 1, 2009 at 11:51 pm rating: +3
- #6.3 TheOldSchool
  
  They’re all getting off with falafels, these days.
  
  Kinky little tarts. They love having their little chickpeas kneded, flicked, rolled, and then soaked in its own oily juices. Cumin? You bet!
  
  If you’re good, they’ll reward you by coating your balls and giving you a little hummus action.
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 12:28 am rating: +8
- #6.4 mamason
  
  Rose, they tape a yardstick to a ped-egg and, voila!
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 2:25 am rating: +2
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#7 Joe in Eugene

I can just imagine the conversation:

Ash: She thinks I use my friends. (wimper)
Ang: She’s a bitch!
Ash: I know, but I love her.
Ang: She clearly is not returning the love.
Ash: Someone needs to let her know I am a good person.
Ang: I know, I’ll put a note on your door to you.
Ash: Oh, would you! Yippie! I love you.
Ang: I know. (Sheesh, let me go already!)

Thus the double swipe with white board PAness!

Gotta love the endless amount of material the girl-girl roommate situation has given this site over the years!

Team Whitney.

Jun 1, 2009 at 8:31 pm rating: +5

reply to this comment
#8 ClearlyDemented

Third-person passive-aggressiveness is the best! This is equivalent to when my mom used to have me walk around the house saying things like, ‘Well, I guess we can’t have dinner tonight since SOMEBODY left the milk out this morning.’ I’ve transferred this to my current home life by training the dog to plop a steamer on any clothes left on the floor.

Team I-can’t-keep-track-of-all-these-names.

Jun 1, 2009 at 8:38 pm rating: +25

reply to this comment
- #8.1 racerx2233
  
  just turned the dog’s loose in my daughters rooms:)
  
  Jun 1, 2009 at 9:16 pm rating: +3
- #8.2 fluffy8u
  
  I’m alot like CD’s mom, aparently. I use my 6 year old cousin. But she’ll turn on me and rat me out, so one has to be careful.
  
  Member of Team I-can’t-keep-track-of-all-these-names.
  
  Jun 1, 2009 at 10:17 pm rating: +3
- #8.3 Resident Grammarian esq
  
  It’s easy to keep track of the names. You just gotta catchem all!
  
  Jun 1, 2009 at 10:30 pm rating: +5
- #8.4 leftfoot
  
  My mom tried the “somebody” stuff, so I left the poem “Nobody” by Shel Silverstein on the fridge in a lovely display of counter-PA-ness.
  
  “Nobody loves me,
  Nobody cares,
  Nobody picks me peaches and pears.
  Nobody offers me candy and Cokes,
  Nobody listens and laughs at me jokes.
  Nobody helps when I get in a fight,
  Nobody does all my homework at night.
  Nobody misses me,
  Nobody cries,
  Nobody thinks I’m a wonderful guy.
  So if you ask me who’s my best friend, in a whiz,
  I’ll stand up and tell you that Nobody is.
  But yesterday night I got quite a scare,
  I woke up and Nobody just wasn’t there.
  I called out and reached out for Nobody’s hand,
  In the darkness where Nobody usually stands.
  Then I poked through the house, in each cranny and nook,
  But I found somebody each place that I looked.
  I searched till I’m tired, and now with the dawn,
  There’s no doubt about it-
  Nobody’s gone!”
  
  Jun 1, 2009 at 11:43 pm rating: +10
- #8.5 Holiday Djinn
  
  Clearly Demented,
  
  From Cleveland eh?
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 9:51 am rating: +2
- #8.6 Sarcastraphe
  
  Okay ClearlyDemented… I laughed out loud at your post. Third person passive-aggressiveness is the best.
  
  I can hear Bob Dole bitching at Libby, “Now Bob Dole’s best mug is broken in the dishwasher cause SOMEONE didn’t load it properly. That’s why Bob Dole can’t have nice things!”
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 11:10 am rating: +14
- #8.7 ClearlyDemented
  
  Yes, Holiday Djinn, I’m from Cleveland. Unfortunately, I already have my room booked for when I go up for my brother’s wedding. I’ll keep you in mind for next time, though. I’ll ask him if he’s still looking for a DJ, too.
  
  Thanks, Sarcastraphe, I will now be saying ‘That’s why Bob Dole can’t have nice things!’ every chance I get.
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 1:12 pm rating: +2
add to this thread
#9 aaa

I wanna be the very best that no one ever was!

Oh, sorry man, got caught in an LSD-induced Pokemon flashback.

(Yeah, yeah, I know, I’m an unfunny loser.)

Jun 1, 2009 at 8:56 pm rating: +8

reply to this comment
- #9.1 racerx2233
  
  WE don’t think your a loser……..
  
  Tying Ash in with the Pokemon comment was very clever though. I am sure TOS will be by soon to give you your reward.
  
  Jun 1, 2009 at 9:11 pm rating: +1
- #9.2 fluffy8u
  
  I had the same flash back.
  
  Well, it could be because my cousin is watching Pokemon right now, so… But I’ll let you know something, LSD and Pokemon don’t mix (monsters and drugs? Worst trip ever).
  
  Jun 1, 2009 at 10:14 pm rating: +2
- #9.3 aaa
  
  Dude, I still have all my Pokemon games and cards from when I was ten. XD
  
  But Pokemon these days is lame. We all know that shows and stuff suck once they start adding characters, and how many hundreds of the little bastards have they added? Sheeze.
  
  Jun 1, 2009 at 11:35 pm rating: +7
- #9.4 Canthz_B
  
  Good God!! You’ve made me feel old in no time flat.
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 12:10 am rating: +3
- #9.5 TheOldSchool
  
  If you kids promise to be good, I’ll tell you the story of how Miss CamelToe and Mr. MooseKnuckle bumped into one another one night and then decided to get married and have a baby.
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 2:08 am rating: +4
- #9.6 racerx2233
  
  Oh fuck yeah! Wife’s liver hurts from laughing at this one.
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 9:23 pm rating: 0
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#10 fluffy8u

Nobody should love Ash’s back. It’s has a mole the size of Mount Whitney on it.

Jun 1, 2009 at 10:11 pm rating: +5

reply to this comment
- #10.1 ClearlyDemented
  
  Now, now, Fluffy. This is 2009; there’s a black man in the White House. We can’t progress as a civilization with ignorant people spewing their mole-ist views all over the interwebs.
  
  Jun 1, 2009 at 10:49 pm rating: +3
- #10.2 Bunnee
  
  What?!? Wait a minute, CD. Since when is it not OK to use our God-given right of free speech on the interwebs to discuss our views on moles? Next thing you know, you’ll be telling us we can’t spew our views on freckles. Then, you’ll prohibit discourse on skin tags and spider veins. From there, it’s a slippery slope to banning all talk of beauty marks and pimples. I, for one, say NO! The only way we can progress as a civilization is to allow all talk of skin imperfections on the interwebs. Enough of CD’s twaddle! If we can’t talk about these serious issues with absolute freedom, then the terrorists win!
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 4:11 pm rating: +3
- #10.3 ClearlyDemented
  
  You’re right, Bunnee, censorship is not the answer. I’m afraid I can be overzealous at times in my quest to prevent another incident like the Spider Vein Riots of 1967. I’ll never get the images of all those pregnant women out of my head.
  My grandfather was shot in the ass during that event, and had to carry an inflatable doughnut around with him until the day he died. On that day, he made me promise him that I would not tolerate skin-ism of any type. I’m afraid I let my personal feeling get the better of me. Please, accept my apologies, Fluffy.
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 5:23 pm rating: +3
- #10.4 fluffy8u
  
  Moles tend to appear during childhood and gradually disappear after middle age. People with white skin have an average of 30 moles, with some having up to 400 moles. Having more than 50 ordinary moles increases the risk of developing melanoma.
  
  Thank you Wikipedia (and interweb site that informs one of the dangers of moles and white people)!
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 5:24 pm rating: +4
- #10.5 fluffy8u
  
  No prob. CD. I knew you had good intentions. My grandfather was in that roit, too. Never said what he lost, but rarely did we find him sitting.
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 5:56 pm rating: +2
- #10.6 Bunnee
  
  I regret that I have but one thumb to give CD! (and Fluffy, too!)
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 6:07 pm rating: +3
- #10.7 fantasy
  
  are you sure about that mole thing? My Mr. has got rather moley in his later years.
  
  I thought it went along with all the ear hair.
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 6:36 pm rating: 0
- #10.8 Sarcastraphe
  
  Ick… I dig out my husband’s moles with a grapefruit spoon while he is in a roofie induced sleep.
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 7:16 pm rating: +1
add to this thread
#11 aaa

Ash, Angela, and Whitney,

You’re college students and therefore suck as people. Wait another ten years before assessing your loveability as a human. Until then, please choke and die.

Loff,
aaa

Jun 1, 2009 at 11:39 pm rating: +15

reply to this comment
- #11.1 spx
  
  “Listen up everybody, you’re all fired from school! Now go home and your homework is to eat bleach and die.”
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 4:33 am rating: +3
- #11.2 fluffy8u
  
  When is this assignment due? Can we eat ammonia instead?
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 2:34 pm rating: 0
add to this thread
#12 leftfoot

That’s sort of like a boyfriend saying “I like you even though you’re fat”..

Jun 1, 2009 at 11:40 pm rating: +5

reply to this comment
- #12.1 Sarcastraphe
  
  No, it is more like your boyfriend saying, “I don’t think your fat… even though everyone else does.”
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 11:05 am rating: +10
- #12.2 TheOldSchool
  
  L and S, it sounds to me like the two of you are masking your very real pain by employing humorous, seemingly off-hand remarks in an effort to give others the impression that those hurtful comments from people, who you thought were your friends, had no lasting impact on your self-esteem.
  
  It’s OK to cry. Let it out. Tell us EVERYTHING.
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 12:58 pm rating: +3
- #12.3 Sarcastraphe
  
  I will for a Chunky bar
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 1:39 pm rating: +3
- #12.4 Mark
  
  “Yeah, that’s what kids want in their candy. Fruit. Why don’t you put sunflower seeds in the Ding Dongs while you’re at it?”
  
  Or did you mean a Klondike bar?
  
  Klon-dyke bar maybe?
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 1:58 pm rating: +2
- #12.5 fluffy8u
  
  Tell you everything?
  
  OK! I’ll talk! In third grade, I cheated on my history exam. In fourth grade, I stole my uncle Max’s toupee and I glued it on my face when I was Moses in my Hebrew School play. In fifth grade, I knocked my sister Edie down the stairs and I blamed it on the dog… When my mom sent me to the summer camp for fat kids and then they served lunch I got nuts and I pigged out and they kicked me out…
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 2:38 pm rating: +3
- #12.6 Mark
  
  LOL!!!! Goonies FTW! Chunk RULEZ!
  
  RUTH! Baby… RUTH!
  
  And Sarcastraphe below me, Wil Wheaton FTW!
  
  *has a nerdgasm*
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 2:50 pm rating: +3
- #12.7 Sarcastraphe
  
  I was twelve going on thirteen the first time I saw a dead human being. It happened in the summer of 1959—a long time ago. But only if you measure in terms of years. I was living in a small town in Oregon called Castle Rock. There were only 1281 people, but to me it was the whole world.
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 2:52 pm rating: +2
- #12.8 oi
  
  Is Ruth old woman’s name?
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 2:53 pm rating: 0
- #12.9 Mishee™
  
  *waits for someone to start doing the Truffle Shuffle*
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 4:00 pm rating: 0
- #12.10 fluffy8u
  
  I don’t think Mark has ever been this excited…
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 7:09 pm rating: 0
- #12.11 Meesh
  
  Brian: “Is that part of your act?”
  Stewie: “Why, do you like it?”
  Brian: “I wouldn’t open with it.”
  
  Jun 3, 2009 at 9:03 am rating: 0
add to this thread
#13 Canthz_B

I really want to know what “anybody” has been saying.
I’ll bet it’s juicier than what Angela has given us!

Jun 2, 2009 at 12:17 am rating: +2

reply to this comment
- #13.1 mamason
  
  I don’t know… Angela was pretty juicy.
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 2:29 am rating: +2
- #13.2 Sarcastraphe
  
  *shudders*
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 2:30 am rating: +1
- #13.3 Canthz_B
  
  That’s why they call it “sloppy seconds”, mama!
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 2:45 am rating: +1
- #13.4 fluffy8u
  
  I’ve always wondered… what do they call thirds?
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 7:09 pm rating: 0
- #13.5 ClickClack
  
  I dunno…. Hey, let’s ask Madonna!
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 7:19 pm rating: 0
- #13.6 Sarcastraphe
  
  33.3% of a girl?
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 7:19 pm rating: 0
add to this thread
#14 Sarcastraphe

There is nothing i love more than a “no matter what anyone says” sentiment. I mean seriously, you need to listen to me because the rest of the world might totally think you are a complete ass but I am here to tell you your not… of course you need to remember that I am bucking the trend here, everyone else really does hate you. Aren’t I awesome!?

Jun 2, 2009 at 1:55 am rating: +12

reply to this comment
#15 claw71

I’ll be honest with everybody: I didn’t read the note. I pictured Whitney and Ashley wrestling each other in their underwear. Whitney won and forced Ashley to…do things. Sexy things. And when Whitney was finished using her, Angela swooped, offering consolation so that she could take advantage of Ashley’s vulnerability. So hot.

I have to go now.

Jun 2, 2009 at 8:30 am rating: +3

reply to this comment
- #15.1 TheOldSchool
  
  Darn it, Claw! I was planning on getting SOME work done today.
  
  Kerry didn’t mention that this dorm is operated by Victoria’s Secret for its “Panty Models College.”
  
  Angela’s majoring in pouting.
  Whitney: pillow fighting.
  Ashley is going for the most difficult degree: looking like she’s so grateful you’ve given her a cheap nightie, she’s going to fuck you into next week.
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 11:03 am rating: +3
- #15.2 Sarcastraphe
  
  I don’t know… I don’t think I am buying it guys. I went back up and reread the note and the I’s are not dotted with little hearts which I think is mandatory at Victoria Secret University.
  
  I think this might have been written in the cafeteria at NBC’s Biggest Loser dorm. But… don’t let that affect your fantasies! Fap away.
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 11:21 am rating: +3
- #15.3 TheOldSchool
  
  Back to work!
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 11:42 am rating: +1
- #15.4 claw71
  
  Biggest Loser, eh? Well it’s a lot better since they got rid of Caroline Rea. It’s pretty sad when the contestants start to look better than the host halfway through the season. I’d break something off for Alison though. You betcha.
  
  I wish I could have been at the Biggest Loser camp this year. I didn’t realize it at the time but those two model chicks actually were kind of hot. I thought they were lying about being models but it turns out they were.
  
  Best to get after them early before they regain their self confidence and turn into complete snobby bitches.
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 12:35 pm rating: +3
- #15.5 TheOldSchool
  
  CLAW!
  
  Please!
  
  I paid you good money to acquire your techniques, and, now that my check has cleared, here you are giving them away for free.
  
  That’s kinda weirdly ironic, wouldn’t you agree?
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 12:45 pm rating: +2
- #15.6 claw71
  
  You can lead a horse to the cafeteria but you can’t make him lace a girl’s drink with GHB and…oops
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 1:20 pm rating: +2
add to this thread
#16 oi!

Dear Ash,
I just wanted to tell you that this is not a back stabbing or confusing passive aggressive note towards you. I am on your side no matter what anybody says.
Love,
angela

Jun 2, 2009 at 9:49 am rating: +5

reply to this comment
#17 oi!

I am pretty sure Angela has something to do with Ashly and Whitney’s fight. Somehow she fueled this fight and now to be on Ashly’s good side she put this note.

Jun 2, 2009 at 10:13 am rating: +5

reply to this comment
#18 GhostWriter

Dear Ashley,

I just wanted to tell you that you are a very sweet person, but I am in love with Rhett.

- love,
Scarlett

Jun 2, 2009 at 12:07 pm rating: +7

reply to this comment
- #18.1 claw71
  
  Dear Scarlette:
  
  I just wanted to tell you that I am in love with Rhett.
  
  -love,
  
  Rhett
  
  PS: Please don’t bother responding because frankly, my dear I really, really, really, don’t care. I don’t care so much that I don’t even know how to say it.
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 12:43 pm rating: +6
- #18.2 GhostWriter
  
  Dear Rhett,
  
  In spite of your request that I not respond, I feel I must suggest to you that the words you are looking for are, “..my lack of care is fucking delicious.”
  
  -love,
  
  Scarlett
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 1:01 pm rating: +9
- #18.3 claw71
  
  This seems like a cunning trick to force me into the unitard, but I won’t fall for it. It’s an historic moment you won’t be able to tell your grandchildren about, how you watched Old Rhett fall one night.
  
  -Rhett
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 1:25 pm rating: +5
- #18.4 Sarcastraphe
  
  Okay, let me just say to Ghostwriter, “KUDOS!” The Gone With The Wind reference is the best thing here!
  
  It is my favorite book of all time, I read it every year. Scarlet O’Hara is, in my opinion, one of the best written characters of all time.
  
  Alrighty… as you were
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 1:43 pm rating: +3
- #18.5 fluffy8u
  
  Also acceptable would have been “Wuthering Heights.”
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 4:40 pm rating: +2
- #18.6 amy d
  
  Using this note as a guide, I think it more apt to call it “Withering Spite”.
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 4:47 pm rating: +3
- #18.7 Sarcastraphe
  
  fluff… are you a Wuthering Heights fan? I have tried to read that a million times and just can’t get through it… is it worth slogging it out?
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 7:13 pm rating: 0
- #18.8 fluffy8u
  
  Yes it is. One of my favorite novels. I will give you that it is so darn hard to figure out Joesph says.
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 10:44 pm rating: 0
add to this thread
#19 bobby

Sounds like Ashley used Angela to make it look like she has friends. “I don’t use people do I?” “No, certainly not!” “Then write me a message telling me that.” “OK!”

Jun 2, 2009 at 1:16 pm rating: +2

reply to this comment
- #19.1 Sarcastraphe
  
  Hmmmm Bobby you might be on to something there… perhaps we should come up with a business model and spin this idea into gold!
  
  How much do you think the friendless would pay for us to “appear” friendly to them?
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 1:46 pm rating: +1
- #19.2 tahall62
  
  Alas, such a business model already exists.
  
  GM to the US Government: “Our cars don’t suck, do they?”
  
  US Government: “Oh, no! Those 8,000 lb Hummers that get 2 MPG are great! Everyone in American should have one!”
  
  GM: “Then can you go out and get the President to pimp our crappy cars for us, as we’re kinda busy right now collapsing and taking the entire American economy with us?”
  
  US Government: “You betcha!”
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 2:47 pm rating: +5
- #19.3 Sparky
  
  That entirely depends on how friendly you plan on being.
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 2:48 pm rating: +1
- #19.4 Sarcastraphe
  
  I am planning far short of escort friendly… but I don’t want to speak for Bobby.
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 2:49 pm rating: +1
- #19.5 Snippy
  
  Offering me a hummer is always a friendly gesture.
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 8:17 pm rating: 0
- #19.6 Sarcastraphe
  
  And you will pay handsomely… the check can be written out to me, the hummer will probably come from Bobby
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 8:23 pm rating: 0
add to this thread
#20 Neeners

This note is annoying. I volunteer to bitch slap Angela for getting involved in an argument that does not involve her and Ashley for dragging her damn family into her dorm room soap opera.

Jun 2, 2009 at 3:06 pm rating: +1

reply to this comment
- #20.1 claw71
  
  I already called dibs on these bitches and nobody slaps my hos around but me. I keeps the pimp hand strong, yo. If you try to step to my bitches I’ll shoot you in the eye with a glock 9. Homey don’t play, yo, but if it’s rough sex you want–huh–that’s bidness, baby. Money talks. If you gots the duckets, I’ll let you fuck it.
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 4:41 pm rating: +1
- #20.2 Sarcastraphe
  
  “The answer is Anonymous Misogyny.”
  
  “Why did Al Gore create the internet Alex?”
  
  “Correct and your wager was…”
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 4:59 pm rating: +3
- #20.3 Neeners
  
  No thanks Mr. Claw or Pimp Daddy.
  
  I don’t think I could stomach it and oh wait, yes I just remembered I’m straight to boot. I would much rather waste my money on something worthwhile if I can think of it.
  
  Wasn’t Homey a maladjusted party clown on In Living Color who hit people with his clown club for being annoying and stupid? Maybe you could hit those two and knock a little common sense their way.
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 5:39 pm rating: 0
add to this thread
#21 Sarcastraphe

Hey, wait a sec… I have been assuming that Ash was a girl. It just might be Bruce Campbell’s Evil Dead character… in which case Angela is right; he and his boomstick are pretty hardcore to those that don’t love him back. Oh, and those that are undead too.

Jun 2, 2009 at 7:53 pm rating: +1

reply to this comment
- #21.1 racerx2233
  
  I think it was, “Just pillow talk baby.”
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 9:34 pm rating: 0
add to this thread
#22 MusLopil

What interesting article, but where took information?

Jun 2, 2009 at 7:57 pm rating: 0

reply to this comment
- #22.1 Snippy
  
  This rag, like ether you think it smells?
  
  Jun 2, 2009 at 8:16 pm rating: +3
add to this thread

jerk-o-lanterns (156)
- mallory: OMG I LIVE AN HOUR FROM VALDOSTA, GA
waiting for the rapture (and/or a thank you note) (143)
- Palomon: The kid’s name is “Lincoln,” for Chrissakes. “Lincoln!” Kid’s doomed....
- Alii: Well, great aunt’s a bitch.
granny doesn’t mess around (75)
- ace: This is a fun place to be!
thanks for the geography lesson, dad! (146)
- Acx]: What a fun place to be tonight!

painfully polite and hilariously hostile writings from shared spaces the world over

analog version of a facebook wall post

June 1st, 2009 · 160 comments

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