A text from the big guy upstairs (or downstairs)

June 15th, 2009 · 131 comments

As far as he can tell, Chris in Portland thinks this anonymous text was sent by his downstairs neighbor after a morning of hitting the snooze button one too many times. “Needless to say,” Chris admits, “this was not the first time I had ignored the alarm  clock.”

What’s strange, Chris says, is that he has no idea how the neighbor got a hold of his cell phone number. “My only thought is that about a month prior to receiving this text, I left my phone number on a post-it on the front door of the building so the UPS delivery guy could get a hold of me. They must have held onto that number the whole time, just waiting for the absolute breaking point.”

Turn your motherfucking alarm off.

Creepy…but kind of genius, right?

related: Recipe for roommate discord

FILED UNDER: cell phone · neighbors · noise · Portland · text message


131 responses so far ↓

  • #1   zombieBlanco bang

    Perhaps the downstairs neighbor should have gone with a different pen name – after all Chris did turn off the mombanging alarm after a while, (anon) just wanted it done immediately.

    Jun 15, 2009 at 9:39 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

     
  • #2   No kidding

    I had a next door neighbour last year who would leave their alarm on when they went out. It would go off for four hours at a time two to four days a week, and it was just loud enough to be unable to block the sound out in any way. The landlord wouldn’t do anything about it. This note is pretty polite compared to what I’d say and do if I’d have had his phone number.

    Jun 15, 2009 at 9:40 pm   rating: 52  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   Pishposh

      Man, I would have kicked in their door and shut off their alarm. If anything came of it, I would use the Good Samaritan doctrine, and claim that I was afraid the tenant was inside and severely injured, enough so to render them physically unable to turn off the alarm themselves.

      Jun 16, 2009 at 12:56 am   rating: 55  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.2   fluffy8u

      Ah, I would have done simular. “You mean that’s not the fire alarm?!”

      Jun 16, 2009 at 1:24 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.3   Bradley

      Hey, that’s a pretty good idea Pishposh!

      Jun 16, 2009 at 9:41 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.4   you suck at craigslist

      In college I lived on a dorm floor with two girls who thought it was hilarious to go away for the weekend and leave their stereo on blaringly loud. They did this a LOT, and did it deliberately. They’d come back and laugh about it.

      I was amazed that neither the RA or the housing office thought that having a stereo deliberately left on all weekend long, turned up to eleventy, warranted opening their door to turn it off.

      I only spent one year in the dorms; why do you ask?

      Jun 16, 2009 at 11:33 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.5   Beanster bang

      so,e guys on my floor in my first year of university thought it would be hysterical (at least as hysterical as those girls) to hide the guy-with-the weird-sleeping-pattern (every floor has one)’s alarm clock in his ceiling. this backfired when, after his alarm went off for 20 minutes, he was high as a kite and went back to sleep for 18 hours and the rest of us suffered.

      Jun 16, 2009 at 11:07 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.6   famine

      Had similar issues with alarm clocks going off in the dorms and apartments. . .went and found the circuit breaker, flipped it off then back on – noise is taken care of, yet the fridge (or whatever) is still on. Worked every time!

      Jun 17, 2009 at 8:46 am   rating: 18  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.7   BurstingAtTheSeams

      genuis, famine; pure genius.

      Jun 17, 2009 at 10:54 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #3   emily

    hahaha. genius

    Jun 15, 2009 at 9:40 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #4   Beanster bang

    i cannot imagine a more appropriate response.

    Jun 15, 2009 at 9:42 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   aaa

      Well, I think Mr. Neighbor could’ve added a threat like “If you don’t turn your motherfucking alarm off, I’m gonna strangle you with your own intestines.”, but that might just be a wee bit illegal. Maybe.

      Jun 15, 2009 at 9:49 pm   rating: 28  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.2   zombieBlanco bang

      I would have gone upstairs and pounded on the door. Chris would finally be forced to drag his ass out of bed to answer it and I would give him my best wide-eyed, innocent zombie look and say, “I kept hearing your alarm go off and I was worried that you were dead.

      Jun 15, 2009 at 10:30 pm   rating: 96  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.3   aaa

      Y’know, zombie, I think that might actually be etiquettely correct. Which makes it all the more fucking awesome. :D

      Jun 15, 2009 at 10:46 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.4   AJ

      Team Zombie!

      Jun 15, 2009 at 11:29 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.5   Mike

      I wish I could come up with such great solutions.

      Jun 16, 2009 at 1:02 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.6   fluffy8u

      Team Zombie, because it’s what Miss Manners would have done.

      Jun 16, 2009 at 1:25 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.7   racerx2233

      just turn the power off to his unit

      “Team Breaker Box”

      Jun 16, 2009 at 2:00 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.8   T imo® bang

      A lot of alarms have back up batteries and are not affected when the power goes out. He could have one of those. I do like the idea of cutting his power say like when he is in the bathroom or in the middle of cooking.

      Jun 16, 2009 at 12:09 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.9   Snippy

      @4.7 – Whoa, you can deactivate a guy’s unit? :shock:

      Jun 16, 2009 at 12:53 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.10   Seanette

      @Skippy, yet another new piece of info: I’d previously had no idea Lorena Bobbitt comments here.

      Jun 16, 2009 at 12:58 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.11   Snippy

      Just an occasional cutting remark.

      And although smooth and tasty, I am not a brand of peanut butter.

      Jun 16, 2009 at 1:08 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   Bunnee

    The use of “motherfucking” is nice, but there are no exclamation points! However, the fact that it is an anonymous text adds extra credit points. Overall, I give it a B+.

    Jun 15, 2009 at 9:42 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

     
  • #6   aaa

    Well, if Chris in Portland wanted to be really PA, he could always just pretend that whoever texted him has the wrong number. Just don’t have your phone on whenever downstairs neighbor is around, lest they call your phone to see if it really is you.

    P.S. -1,000 points for leaving your alarm on. Douchey and annoying. >:c

    Jun 15, 2009 at 9:45 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

     
  • #7   Seanette

    I wasn’t aware you could send anonymous text messages. Amazing how educational this site can be.

    Jun 15, 2009 at 10:00 pm   rating: 26  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   Jane Que

      I’d like to know how to do it.

      Jun 15, 2009 at 10:09 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.2   aaa

      Evidently you can with AnonTxt.com.

      EDIT: Or maybe not. Evidently it’s down because people were being dicks and harassing people anonymously. Not surprising.

      Jun 15, 2009 at 10:17 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.3   Nick

      Here in New Zealand, every text is anonymous

      Jun 15, 2009 at 10:35 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.4   R.M.

      You could send it through google text.

      Jun 16, 2009 at 1:22 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #8   Eric Lee

    Well said

    Jun 15, 2009 at 10:00 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #9   Canthz_B bang

    Succinct.

    Jun 15, 2009 at 10:05 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #10   Jane Que

    Holding on to the the number is kind of PA, but the message, I don’t think so. How deep of a sleeper can he be? He should be more considerate and have an alarm that doesn’t wake up the neighbors. Not everyone keeps the standard 9-5, some people (like me) work at night, and when I get home in the morning the last thing I want to hear as I’m trying to sleep is the neighbors’ alarm, or the neighbors moving their furniture at 8 in the morning.

    Jun 15, 2009 at 10:08 pm   rating: 21  small thumbs up

     
  • #11   leftfoot

    I love the fact that the neighbors probably saved the number premeditated the necessity for a PA test.

    Not only that, but the lack of words leaves the door open to all kinds of nasty things that could happen – like a strangling with intestines.. or a fire.

    It’s genius.

    Jun 15, 2009 at 10:11 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   A

      I think it’s good, but I’m not sure it is genius. I think something more on the aggressive and less on the passive side would be more effective. It’s slightly unnerving to think that someone knows your cellphone number and has been saving it, but it’s much too mild an intrusion to make chris change his ways.

      The neighbor should have taken advantage of the fact that chris is a heavy sleeper to break in to the apartment. The next step would be to steal the alarm clock, destroy it, and place the pieces throughout the apartment, all while chris sleeps.

      With any luck, it’ll take chris some time to replace his alarm clock, because he’ll be too busy looking for a new place to live.

      Jun 16, 2009 at 4:48 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.2   aaa

      Or, he could do like the Godfather and put all the pieces of the alarm clock in his bed. Or just turn off the alarm clock and leave a threatening note sitting on the sleeping Chris’ chest.

      Jun 16, 2009 at 8:12 am   rating: 22  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.3   T imo® bang

      set the snooze and leave a steaming turd on top of the alarm.

      Jun 16, 2009 at 1:13 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.4   Snippy

      “What’s brown and sounds (the alarm) like a bell?”

      Jun 16, 2009 at 1:20 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.5   T imo® bang

      A singing pooping UPS guy? :lol:

      Jun 16, 2009 at 1:30 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.6   A

      How about arranging the pieces so as to spell out the message which was sent by sms? The threat would be redundant then.

      Jun 16, 2009 at 5:15 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #12   Crastulim

    Lovely. A work of art.

    Jun 15, 2009 at 10:24 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #13   heidi

    My freshman roommate had a possessed alarm clock, in that it would not be plugged in/have batteries in it and randomly sound an alarm during the day. We had a whiteboard outside our door in the dorms, and got a similar message one day after classes.

    This, though, trumps such a small, slightly chagrining experience.

    Jun 15, 2009 at 10:34 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   lilmegz

      I had a roommate that I came home to one day with his alarm clock blasting while he just slept right through it. It must have been going off for at least 2 hrs. He was a meth head though and I believe he must have been coming down after a long binge. Thankfully no PA notes where left by the neighbors.

      Also living with a meth head I found that was the least of my worries.

      Jun 15, 2009 at 11:33 pm   rating: 27  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.2   Mike

      I had a neighbor who fell asleep with a pot cooking on the stove. We discovered this when we heard his smoke alarm going off. We grabbed a few valuables and our passports and got out, then called the fire department because we could see some smoke through the upper window.

      Said neighbor slept through the fire department knocking on his front door, AND putting up a ladder to climb in through the dining room window (which is upstairs in our complex) to turn off the stove.

      Jun 16, 2009 at 1:07 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.3   Meesh

      My husband has a similar story (sleeping through a tornado). So we got him the alarm clock that has a little disk that goes under your pillow that vibrates when your alarm goes off. So basically you wake up with your head violently shaking. But even that didn’t work. I woke up to the sound of the buzzing before it even phased him. So now I wake him up (usually. Sometimes I let him oversleep out of spite. MUAHAHAH)

      Jun 16, 2009 at 1:15 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.4   Snippy

      Your husband was just going through a phase where very little could faze him.

      Jun 16, 2009 at 1:17 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.5   T imo® bang

      It hertz to say this but I think the vibration of the alarm was out of phase with his bio-rhythms.

      Jun 16, 2009 at 2:13 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.6   NewMoon

      Ohm my, do we get to talk about twats yet again?

      Jun 16, 2009 at 2:32 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.7   oi!

      My family had similar experience. My parents went to some party. I was home alone. It was 11 pm and they had not returned yet, so I locked the main door with inside lock(can’t be open from outside. keys or no keys) and decided to take a nap in my room. They come at like 2 am and opened the latched lock but of course could not open the door so started knocking, knocking turned into pounding but I slept right through it. our neighbors woke up though. Finally my brother made some adventurous moves(jumping in to our balcony through neighbor’s window.) and let my parents in. :D .
      No it’s not over yet, my brother pulled the same shit a year later. only difference was that my parents had to sleep at our neighbors. yeah it goes w/o saying that my dad broke free that lock. It was kinda hard to uninstall but my dad was determined.

      Jun 16, 2009 at 5:48 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.8   MJWalrus

      @Meesh:
      I live in Louisiana, and slept through a hurricane.

      Jun 16, 2009 at 8:15 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.9   Laura

      which one?! lol

      Jun 16, 2009 at 11:05 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.10   Meesh

      Correcting people’s spelling on an anonymous comment board is so passiv–

      oh wait

      Jun 17, 2009 at 12:34 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #14   Quite Contrary

    I think anon has the patience of Job. To wait until 10:21 a.m. to send this text is pretty amazing.

    Jun 15, 2009 at 10:39 pm   rating: 19  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   Snippy

      In today’s economy, he could lose his Job at any time. Of course, then he might miss the opportunity to punch the clock every day.

      Jun 16, 2009 at 12:18 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.2   FlameAdder

      That’s not funny. Why am I laughing?

      Jun 16, 2009 at 10:07 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #15   TheOldSchool

    Both of them should simply buy houses surrounded by wooded acreage.

    Jun 15, 2009 at 10:50 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   Snippy

      Indeed, TOS, that way, one is guaranteed to wake up with wood.

      Jun 16, 2009 at 12:10 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.2   TheOldSchool

      City dwellers: relax. You too can wake up each morning with wood … glorious …wood.

      The simple and dorky way to do it is to sleep with one of your golf clubs or a “presto-log.”

      The men who do that make me sick.

      Here’s how those sophisticated apartment aficionados, who just happen to be “in the know,” do it.

      1. Climb a few trees in your neighborhood looking for empty bird nests.

      1.5. (Birds often build nests using small, beak-sized pieces of wood.)

      2. When you find a nest, use your pocket tweezers to carefully remove the bits of wood from it.

      3. Put the wood bits into a zip lock bag.

      4. Put the bag into the pocket of your safari jacket.

      5. Climb down the tree.

      5.5. Careful!

      6. Avert your eyes to avoid arousing suspicions.

      7. Establish an alibi by popping ’round to the local shops and gabbing a bit with other shoppers. Make frequent mention of the time and remark very loudly that you’ve been in this particular shop for at least two hours.

      8. Skitter home. Quickly! Lock the door. And then get ready for bed. You’re feeling all giddy inside. It’s natural.

      Just like wood.

      Jun 16, 2009 at 11:02 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #16   damon8r

    I wonder if the neighbor had Verizon also so they could take advantage of the Mobile-to-Mobile Text, or did Chris have to pay for the privilege of being told to shut the f- up?

    Jun 15, 2009 at 11:15 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   rahmalzee

      Sadly, I’m also a member of Team Non-Unlimited Texts, and that would be the salt in the wound for me should I be awesome enough to receive a PAN like this one.

      Jun 15, 2009 at 11:35 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.2   GK bang

      “Mobile-to-Mobile Text”? Ehm, I was given to understand that was the normal way it works, yes…

      Jun 16, 2009 at 4:14 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #17   Ross

    My wife and I are awful about turning our alarms off when we go away for a long weekend or vacation. But our neighbors have never been aggressive (passive or otherwise) about it.

    Jun 16, 2009 at 12:08 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   cTo

      You’re lucky, I would be at your door with a sledgehammer after the first hour.

      Jun 16, 2009 at 1:10 am   rating: 25  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #18   Old ass text

    Wow, this text is from December 2007. Chris is quite the procrastinator.

    Jun 16, 2009 at 12:33 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   fluffy8u

      You know, I borrowed a DVD from my friend a couple months back about procrastination. I think I’ll watch it tomorrow… you know… if I feel like it. Might just sign onto PAN instead.

      Jun 16, 2009 at 1:45 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #19   gretal

    I can’t believe that none of my neighbors has ever done something like this to me. Although I did stay with a family when I was a teenager, and one morning the woman living in the basement came to my bedroom on the second floor and asked me to turn it off…

    Jun 16, 2009 at 12:59 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #20   cTo

    Words cannot describe the vile hatred I have for unending alarm clocks. When I rule the world, I will make it illegal to make, sell, or own an alarm that does not shut off by itself after 15 minutes.

    And if theres anything I hate more than an alarm going off for hours, it’s an alarm that keeps getting snoozed. The alarm goes off, echoing through paper-thin sheetrock in my shoddy apartment, waking me up just as easily as if it was in my room. I’m irritated. Then the noise ends, and I think everything is fine, and I can go back to sleep, BUT NO!! Just as I’m starting to drift back into blessed, sweet sleep, I will be woken up unexpectedly YET AGAIN to CONTINUE MY SISYPHEAN TORTURE!!!

    Jun 16, 2009 at 1:15 am   rating: 32  small thumbs up

    • #20.1   Andy

      Sissy.

      Jun 16, 2009 at 9:34 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.2   Wade bang

      Then again, hopefully the ruler of the world wouldn’t have to live in a shoddy apartment with paper-thin sheetrock.

      Jun 16, 2009 at 11:43 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.3   MAMARILLA2 bang

      Well I know that the Ruler of the Universe (MrRilla) does not hear such mundane things like alarms..He relies on me to shut them off and wake him up.

      Jun 16, 2009 at 11:56 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.4   oi bang

      I used to think if I rule the world I would ban honking. actually I would strip the horns off the every damned vehicle in the world.
      In Asia honking is not equivalent to cursing so people would honk just about anything. Somebody is jay walking, HONK! Bike in front of you too slow, HONK!, street vendor has something good, HONK!, feeling bored, HONK! accident on side of the road, HONK, saw cop coming? it’s your divine duty to alert others, how? HONK my dear HONK away! somebody waering too flamboyant outfit, HONK HONK, how to show the world that you are road side romeo? of course blare your motorcycle horn in the ear of passing by girl! sure that will make her sleep with you.

      damn I am hearing those horns again!
      *runs away in terror*

      Jun 16, 2009 at 12:11 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.5   MAMARILLA2 bang

      And two boiled eggs.

      Jun 16, 2009 at 12:19 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.6   Meesh

      cTo, I agree with you. My version of hell will be me in bed surrounded by ringing alarm clocks. I will get up to turn them off, and just as I’m falling asleep more will begin to ring… for eternity.

      *shudder*

      Jun 16, 2009 at 1:23 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.7   Canthz_B bang

      Oh, Oi, I could kiss you!

      When are people going to learn that automobile horns are warning devices, not freaking doorbells?

      Jun 16, 2009 at 7:34 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.8   oi!

      @ CB: muuuvaah!
      thumb is enough though. ^-^ ;)

      Jun 16, 2009 at 7:48 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.9   T imo® bang

      * Puts horn away. * :lol:

      Jun 17, 2009 at 9:56 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #21   AJ

    That’s nothin’! In grad school the guy living in the apt above mine would leave for days on end, but the alarm clock was still set to 5am. I’d get up and go turn off the fuse box to the whole apartment above me. The landlord, lived in that apartment, but wouldn’t do anything about his roommate…so every time it happened, HIS clock would shut off and he’d oversleep.

    Jun 16, 2009 at 1:28 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #21.1   fluffy8u

      Wow… I would have kicked you out if I were in the landlord’s place. Nothing personal. I just don’t let anyone touch my fusebox.

      enter CB and his disgusting joke born from boredom.

      Jun 16, 2009 at 1:53 am   rating: 17  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.2   MAMARILLA2 bang

      Don’t they have to pay to touch your fuse box?
      (Cb is not the only bored one.)

      Jun 16, 2009 at 10:49 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.3   T imo® bang

      * Waiting for the “Mama’s got a fuse box daddy never sleeps at night” homage. *

      Jun 17, 2009 at 10:01 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #22   A

    At the place where I was living last year, the people had an alarm clock tuned to a radio station and would generally leave it on about 15 minutes. They’d leave it on weekends when they were gone, and then it would persist for an hour or so. The alarm generally went off at about 6; I had to get up at 6:30 so I was systematically robbed of half an hour daily. They kept their windows open, so at one point I had someone from another apartment building knocking on my sliding glass door (I was on the ground floor) trying to find the source of the noise. Of course I let him into the main apartment building. Unfortunately he wasn’t the violent type, as the noise continued. After about two weeks I complained to the manager, and this issue was resolved…but the volume gradually increased and in another month I was reporting it again.

    I say chris was lucky to get off so lightly.

    Jun 16, 2009 at 4:39 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

     
  • #23   lauren

    Good for anon! I had a neighbor across the hallway in my apartment who used to have an alarm so loud it woke a few babies in other apartments. And it would go off for about an hour every morning. Eventually I knocked on their door and told them to shut it because it’s waking us all up. The neighbor denied it was her alarm, but I never heard it again after that.

    If I’d had their cell phone I would have called them too.

    Jun 16, 2009 at 7:04 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #23.1   Snippy

      But if you’d had their phone, they would not even have known you were calling them. Beginner criminals planning a caper so often fail to think it through. :roll:

      Jun 16, 2009 at 12:59 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #24   Woman on the Verge bang

    I am amazed at the appropriate capitalization and punctuation. Finally someone uses text messaging for something other than saying, “LOL, i h8 u!”

    Jun 16, 2009 at 7:49 am   rating: 20  small thumbs up

    • #24.1   aaa

      I seem to be one of the few humans that uses proper spelling, grammar, and capitalization when I send text messages. There was actually a study that showed that while chatspeak is quicker for the sender to crap out, it was harder and took longer for the recipient to understand. It made me feel vindicated. X3

      Jun 16, 2009 at 8:09 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.2   Seanette

      I use correct spelling and punctuation, too. Can’t stand chatspeak, can’t make myself type it.

      Jun 16, 2009 at 8:44 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.3   you suck at craigslist

      My husband and I always use proper spelling, grammar and capitalization when we text. It was one of the things that made us fall in love with each other.

      Jun 16, 2009 at 11:36 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.4   fluffy8u

      With my job, I was once asked to speak to students about the importance of grammer. (I don’t know why. My editor handles all of that. I’m just a writer, I don’t know nothing about no periods). One of the examples I gave was this:

      Dear Aunt Agatha,
      Sorry it has taken me so long to write telling you how much I liked your Christmas present this year, only I didn’t have the time. To take it back and get another would be out of the question! I suppose for you to be so kind shouldn’t come as a surprise after what you bought me last year. It was splendid! News about Uncle Brian? Dying to see you again in the New Year. Would be awful to lose touch.
      Mark

      Or…

      Dear Aunt Agatha,
      Sorry it has taken me so long to write telling you how much I liked your Christmas present this year, only I didn’t. Have the time to take it back and get another? Would be out of the question, I suppose, for you to be so kind. Shouldn’t come as a surprise after what you bought me last year. It was splendid news about Uncle Brian dying. To see you again in the New Year would be awful.
      To lose touch,
      Mark

      Use punctuation wisely or it will change youre meaning!!

      Jun 16, 2009 at 11:58 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.5   Scubasteve

      I kinda wish everyone used t9, its a lot faster and usually people spell out whole words then. Its basically a spell checker too.

      Jun 17, 2009 at 9:53 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #25   aaa

    Honoes, it’s time for another relevant story about my douchey ex-roommates! Ahhhhh!

    One of my douchey ex-roommates had the habit of letting her alarm go off for an hour or two at a time. Sometimes she’d have her cell phone alarm set to go off at 5 am (of course the alarm was some godawful song) and would not wake the fuck off even after being told to turn her fucking alarm off. Of course, this would happen every fucking weekday. Or her alarm clock would start going off right as I was leaving for class and would still be going off when I got back home three hours later with her sleeping right on through it.

    Douche-fucker.

    Jun 16, 2009 at 8:05 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

     
  • #26   claw71 bang

    I enjoy sleep as much as anybody and I’ve been known to indulge the snooze button more than I should. I’ve put a number of tactics to use that were intended to get me out of bed early enough to do things I normally don’t have the time to do: going to the gym; having a decent breakfast; brewing a nice cup of coffee so I don’t have to spend four bucks at Cup o’ Joe; reading the news at home instead of doing it at work; jerking off to that lingering dream of Jessica Alba; showering the semen off my hair belly rather than letting my undershirt sop it up on the morning commute…you know, things we take for granted.

    Nothing works. If I move the alarm across the room I simply program myself to tune it out and eventually my brain just works that sound into a dream. Not to long I ago I was dreaming that I was at an Air Supply concert (I fell asleep to VH1 Classic) and found it aggravating that there was a dump truck of some sort backing up near the stage. I eventually woke up when Air Supply finished their set and Nia Blackwood grabbed the mic and started jabbering. Vee Jays never die, they just get old and fat and lose all sense of dignity.

    One thing that I haven’t tried is purchasing an alarm (or setting the one on my phone) to a volume loud enough to disturb my neighbors. I know that in some places (like New York apartment buildings) the walls are thing and sounds travel but I’ve been tent camping in Yellowstone where the spaces are so close together you can share tent pegs with the people next to you and my alarm doesn’t disturb them. Unless they’re so grateful that the snoring will be over that they don’t say anything. That’s a distinct possibility but even if the snoring is too loud I’m sure that the farts eventually knock them out.

    I blame the lack of war on our penchant for heavy slumber. I know we’ve had a couple of skirmishes in the Middle East but it’s not the same. Chasing a few rag heads around some sand dunes isn’t a war. Not really. We need another World War that puts everybody on edge. We need this country to sleep with one eye open again, then little Princesses like Chris will have some perspective. You wake up because some Jap might be fixing to stab you in the gut with a bayonet.

    Jun 16, 2009 at 9:06 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #26.1   Snippy

      ……zzzzzz, huh, whaa–? *yawn*
      Damn, I guess I dozed off there. Oh well, no cause for alarm.

      Jun 16, 2009 at 1:03 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.2   Phalange

      Speaking of the Middle East, they totally have us beat on alarm clocks. They have that dude that gets on top of the minaret and yells out “ALLAHHHHHHHHH AKBARRRRRR” every morning. Try hitting the snooze button on that shit.

      Jun 17, 2009 at 9:01 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #27   Bradley

    When I was deployed to Kuwait I lived in an open-bay barracks building that held an average of 50 to 55 guys at a time.

    Everyone in the building was in the same battalion, but we weren’t in the same unit, so people had different work shifts. We were running 24 hour ops on a defense system.

    This one particular asshole that slept across from me would set his alarm to go off at 4am and he would lay there with it going off for about half an hour every morning. After about a month, the alarm would go off and it would wake up everyone in the building but this guy and people started screaming at him and threatening everything from non-administrative punishment to straight up ass beatings.

    Somehow the message never got through to him, so one day I walked over there while he was still asleep, with the alarm going off, picked up his clock, walked outside and pitched it as hard as I could into the dessert. Unfortunately that wasn’t very far, so it landed in the road and a HET (Heavy Equipment Transport) ran it over. Our barracks was also right across from a maintenance garage.

    Jun 16, 2009 at 9:46 am   rating: 28  small thumbs up

    • #27.1   AnonEMouse

      What kind of dessert was it? And was it fucking delicious?

      Jun 16, 2009 at 10:20 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.2   Bradley

      It was crunchy, found its way into our mouths after every meal, or really anytime we were outside, and yes, it was fucking delicious. Especially when you got a face full of it from a strong gust of wind as you passed the portapotties.

      Jun 16, 2009 at 10:36 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.3   MAMARILLA2 bang

      Just think of the high protien value.

      Jun 16, 2009 at 11:35 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.4   Bradley

      Now that’s just gross! Ha ha ha!

      Jun 16, 2009 at 12:15 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.5   Wade bang

      I’m surprised by two things, Bradley.

      That it was over a month before someone in the barracks took matters into their own hands.

      And that you heaved the alarm clock into the desert… and not the alarm owner! ;)

      Jun 16, 2009 at 12:31 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.6   Paisley bang

      That alarm was motherfucking delicious.

      Jun 17, 2009 at 1:29 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #28   Lauren

    Um, I wish I could sleep til 10:30am… snoozing alarm upstairs or not!

    Jun 16, 2009 at 10:44 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #29   thirty six red

    Ricki don’t lose that number-
    its the only one you got
    You might have to text the mother fucker -
    I don’t know
    I though our little wild time had just begun…

    Jun 16, 2009 at 12:25 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #30   SeaD

    I had a roommate who occasionally left his alarm going for a while, or forgot to turn it off when he was gone. One day his alarm went off and kept going, and going, and going. Finally I knocked on the door repeatedly and yelled his name. When he didn’t reply I figured he wasn’t home, so I opened the door to go in and unplug the damn thing. Instead, I caught him in the most embarrassing act of pleasuring his “friend”. Uggh! I still can’t get that picture outta my head!

    Jun 16, 2009 at 1:12 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #31   GhostWriter bang

    …no idea how he got your number?

    …photo with, “Don’t Believe His Lies” written on it??

    …beaten-up guy in the closet???

    You set the alarm, Leonard, you did it! You don’t want the truth; you make up your own truth! You lie to yourself to be happy!!

    Jun 16, 2009 at 1:33 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #31.1   oi bang

      Oh, I’m chasing this guy

      ….No… he’s chasing me.

      Jun 16, 2009 at 2:58 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #32   Zhopka

    That’s a 10:20 am text message. I mean… How long was the damn alarm thing ringing?…

    Jun 16, 2009 at 3:26 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #32.1   Bunnee bang

      At least every 9 minutes…..

      Jun 16, 2009 at 3:30 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #33   maisoumenos bang

    priceles..

    Jun 16, 2009 at 8:32 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #34   candace

    I THINK I have the answer. Take a battery operated alarm and set a bullhorn in front of it and Presto…. You have an automatic fire truck alarm. The other neighbors might not appreciate it but then again, they may help buy the equipment

    Jun 16, 2009 at 8:51 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #35   TheOldSchool

    I’m a little disturbed.

    Jun 16, 2009 at 10:49 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #35.1   mamason bang

      A little? :-?

      Jun 17, 2009 at 1:43 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #36   Laura

    My roommate sets her alarm for 2 hours before she needs to get up and presses the snooze button for 2 hours. Sorry guy, I’m siding with your downstairs neighbor. You live with/around people, you’re not the only one who can hear your loud alarm go off.

    Jun 16, 2009 at 11:01 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #37   TP

    Team downstairs neighbor – that shit is annoying! I would never have been that polite. I’d probably have found a way to break in and leave a horse’s head in Chris’ bed or something. BTW, is this Portland OR or Portland ME? This makes a difference – Maine’s full of some pretty whacked people, ayup!

    Jun 17, 2009 at 2:02 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #38   fluffy8u

    I’m still at a loss as to why the UPS man needed his cell phone number. And why post it on the building’s door where Joe Blow can see it? Didn’t Chris think while posting it, “hey, there’s a chance I’ll get some pervy calls in the middle of the night…?”

    Jun 17, 2009 at 2:50 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #38.1   mamason bang

      Hope springs eternal…

      Jun 17, 2009 at 3:05 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #38.2   fluffy8u

      Ah, Alexander Pope. Nice. However:

      Hope is for sissies.

      Jun 17, 2009 at 3:37 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #39   mamason bang

    “…motherfucking alarm...”

    Is this the 21st century’s chastity belt? :-?

    *wonders what it sounds like when you’re backin’ it up*

    Jun 17, 2009 at 3:59 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #40   Annette

    My boyfriend’s flatmate leaves his alarm on all the time. And he’s on business trips a lot. One day, I’ll drown his alarm clock in the toilet. He told me that once the upstairs neighbor turned off the power for his apartment when he was on vacation and had forgotten to turn the alarm off. It did turn off the alarm. And the fridge. That’s what I call passive-aggressive.

    Jun 17, 2009 at 5:33 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #41   Chloe

    My junior year I lived in a dorm where a lot of the rooms had windows that opened out to this inner alley courtyard. There was this horrible inconsiderate guy who lived on one of the upper floors who thought it was totally appropriate to blast Spice Girls and other shit music at 3 in the morning and yell out the window to his friends on a different floor rather than, say call them on the phone. I suffered through that bastard for months.

    One morning after his in dorm dance club kept me up until 5 am, I just couldn’t bring myself to get out of bed in the morning and kept hitting the snooze button rather than getting up or turning off the alarm. After a few cycles, I hear someone yelling “Wake Up… Dick!” I felt really bad for about 3 seconds until I recognized the voice of the person I’d annoyed as the above-mentioned jerk.

    Jun 17, 2009 at 7:46 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #42   shirley

    Wow! way to piss the neighbors off!

    Jun 18, 2009 at 4:04 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #43   AnastasiaBeaverhausen

    Also on Team Neighbor.

    Jun 18, 2009 at 7:57 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #44   Jinx

    I love how Chris admited his guilty, but still posted this as a PAN. I’m actually thinking Chris’ behavior and reaction is more PA than this note is. It’s actually a pretty straight forward note imo. If not a tad aggressive. No offense Chris, if you’re half the PA pussy I think you are who leaves an alarm on, I’d shove that up your ass. Unless you’re into that type of thing. ;)

    Jun 19, 2009 at 12:22 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #45   Jinx

    On a second glance, that phone looks accient or realllllllllly cheap. Also, douches tend to use Verizon.

    Jun 19, 2009 at 12:24 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #45.1   GK bang

      Clearly not keeping up-to-date with the latest fashions in phones makes one a bad person.

      Personally, I’m holding out until they put a built-in toaster on one. It’s only a matter of time.

      Jun 19, 2009 at 2:44 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #45.2   Jinx

      Oh no, there’s other things he’s done that makes him a huge douche and lucky his neighbor only wrote a “PAN” which isn’t so PA, if you ask me. However, my worst boyfriend had Verizon and left me for a girl who works(ed?) (Fuck if I know if they’re still together) at dum dum dum VERIZON! So, I naturally connect it with douches.

      Why not a toaster oven? I mean since you’re waiting anyway.

      I’m not usually a techie person, but I love my blackberry.

      Jun 19, 2009 at 5:19 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #45.3   GK bang

      I tried making jam out of a blackberry once. It was a bit crunchy though, and the plastic kept getting stuck in my teeth.

      Jun 19, 2009 at 9:47 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #45.4   Jinx

      If sharp shards of plastic are getting stuck in them, you have really good teeth or really bad teeth.

      Jun 19, 2009 at 2:46 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #46   bobby

    But what would the appropriate mode of action been? Coming up and knocking on your door to ask you to turn it off? It is creepy that they had your number, but seriously, turn off your alarm.

    Jun 19, 2009 at 2:20 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #47   Joan

    Oh, dear. I compulsively press the snooze button, as well. I hope my neighbors aren’t angry and passive-aggressive.

    Jun 20, 2009 at 3:08 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #48   Big D

    http://www.marriedtothesea.com/061809/dear-william.gif

    passive aggressive notes is catching.

    Jun 20, 2009 at 5:17 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #49   David

    at 10:21am, shouldn’t both lazy bastards be out of bed anyway?

    Jul 1, 2009 at 5:35 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     

Comments are Closed