spotted by our anonymous (and uninvolved) submitter on the office bulletin board at a “super mega corp” in columbus, ohio…where apparently a vegan “safe space” is, um, kind of in order. (sob)
related: p.s. bacon is life
extra credit: passive-aggressive vegan grocery cashier, a day in the life [mcsweeneys]
358 responses so far ↓
#1
fluffy8u
According to this, I’m awesome! And I will keep being awesome, thank you Mr. Dino!
Jun 22, 2009 at 3:55 pm rating: +53
#2
G
Ah, memories.
In college, after a nasty vegetarian/omnivore flamewar, some of us formed the “Carnivore Club.” Our club’s sole mission was to go out and eat steak. Lots of steak.
Jun 22, 2009 at 4:05 pm rating: +50
#3
Kathleen
I don’t think I’ve ever laughed this hard at a PA note before. Team T-Rex! vs. Team Tree! to the death.
Jun 22, 2009 at 4:07 pm rating: +45
#4
John F.
Haha, amazing.
Jun 22, 2009 at 4:09 pm rating: +2
#5
MAMARILLA2
I’m given to believe that the poor soul that posted these notes on the board was dissed mightly by a vegan office mate. Self worth is everything.
Jun 22, 2009 at 4:10 pm rating: +16
#6
mamason
Hi. My name is Kelly and I’m a vegan.
Hi, Kelly.
Jun 22, 2009 at 4:12 pm rating: +12
#7
Anon
I’m with Team T-Rex, awesome!
Jun 22, 2009 at 4:12 pm rating: +16
#8
T imo®
Mike Hawke: Have you seen my steak?
Cindy Lutz: Why did you misplace it?
Mike Hawke: No, because it is AWESOME I wanted you to see it!
edit: Yeah it is a play on this.
Jun 22, 2009 at 4:16 pm rating: +5
#9
jadefirefly
In high school, a friend and I hung out at a coffee shop frequented by a lot of the other seniors and community college kids in the area. TONS of them were vegan, and boy did they want to tell you about it. Especially because my friend just sort of gave off that vibe of being eco-hippy for some reason. (She wasn’t.)
Every now and then we’d hike down to the nearest Jack in the Box, and each bring back a huge, disgustingly greasy Ultimate Cheeseburger and eat it, there on the patio outside the coffeeshop. We called it Carnivore Food.
It pissed off the vegan-recruitment crowd something awful. I miss that friend.
Jun 22, 2009 at 4:32 pm rating: +45
#10
oi!
I am awesome but vegetarian kind.
And I love leather boots.Jun 22, 2009 at 4:36 pm rating: +7
#11
Woman on the Verge
Omnivore?
Yeah, we eat everything so shut the hell up!
Jun 22, 2009 at 4:40 pm rating: +6
#12
Gustav J Gustav
Bunnies and mice are accidentally slaughtered by the billions each year during mechanized harvesting of wheat and vegetables.
Animals are dying either way. Eat what you like and don’t feel guilty about it.
Jun 22, 2009 at 4:43 pm rating: +48
#13
awesome
http://beingacarnivore.isfuckingaweso.me/
Jun 22, 2009 at 4:46 pm rating: +7
#14
T imo®
nevermind
Jun 22, 2009 at 4:53 pm rating: +2
#15
Lauren
I’ve been a vegetarian forevz, and I do get a lot of flack for it, but I don’t shove it in people’s faces, nor do I condone those who do. The carnivore thing is hilarious. I love that they copied the style of the other flier.
Jun 22, 2009 at 5:17 pm rating: +24
#16
TheOldSchool
What about us meat-eaters who just like to vegetate? What are we called?
(Besides: “brain-dead-slobs,” “lazy gits,” “husbands,” “toad-witted-fucks,” “dud-heads,” and “mamason’s soon-to-be-ex-son-in-law.”)
Jun 22, 2009 at 5:29 pm rating: +7
#17
Shirley
I am vegetarian, but I really try to not throw it up in people’s faces. I accept that not all people are going to agree with my viewpoints, and I can only do so much. I will gladly answer questions regarding my choices, but but the only time it really comes up at work is if there is a potluck. Biggest thing that kills me is those people that think ‘oh you can eat fish right?’. There are a lot of misconceptions out there, and it’s amazing how much misinformation gets around.
Jun 22, 2009 at 5:45 pm rating: +11
#18
Sean
Funny, last I heard, no humans are truly carnivores…
Jun 22, 2009 at 7:17 pm rating: +3
#19
fluffy8u
Seriously? 73 comments and no jokes from the Simpsons? I know you guys know they have a plethora of vegan jokes.
Jun 22, 2009 at 7:20 pm rating: +1
#20
lixx
you don’t make friends with salad
Jun 22, 2009 at 7:53 pm rating: +6
#21
lixx
toss toss toss toss toss toss toss toss toss toss toss toss toss toss toss toss toss toss toss toss toss toss toss toss toss toss toss
Jun 22, 2009 at 8:03 pm rating: +3
#22
No One
vegan is ok.. but i find allot of them get over worked up when a talk about meat eating comes up, it makes me wonder.. is there a chemical in meat that is only found in meat that makes us humans less aggressive.. after all, our primal urges want to kill and eat what we kill as more of a survival. eating meat from the store is as close as we get, and maybe the meat has something in it that satisfies this urge.. but maybe not.. i asked a vegan why he doesnt eat meat, he replied “because animals are living breathing things to” wich i said “so are plants, they are alive.. and they do breath” to wich the vegan said “but they dont think” wich i properly responded to with “oh, so your only into eating things that are stupid?” some vegans are religious. well, if we werent suppose to eat meat, then why did the “all mighty maker/s” make some animal’s edible? and give us teeth to wich to CUT, SHRED, and PULVERIZE meat so we can digest it? and what do you people do about the vitamins you miss out on by not eating meat? pop vitamin pills every day? well im sorry, but i would prefer to eat a full day’s of meat with veggies on the side, and not have to take extra meds because i have some silly notion that we shouldnt eat the meat that was put on this planet to be eaten.. after all, if we arent going to eat it, some other animal will anyways.. it may be a warm blooded mammal, or maybe insects.. there is also fungus that will in a way eat meat.
Jun 22, 2009 at 8:41 pm rating: +5
#23
kibbles
I’m dissapointed at all the vegan bashing, can’t you guys grow up? If someone put a vegan flier next to a flyer for a BBQ what would you people do? Flame the vegans, still. Grow up and go eat your damn vegetables.
Jun 22, 2009 at 8:52 pm rating: +10
#24
Lara
Screw you, you suck.
Jun 22, 2009 at 9:19 pm rating: +1
#25
Bunnee
“That soup I had must have had beef broth in it.” Your system’s kickin back broth? You’re a manly man, aren’t you?”
Ron White …
Jun 22, 2009 at 9:46 pm rating: +2
#26
Beelzebunnee
Vegans are weird. You know why they seem to be such judgemental and weird people?
No ice cream.
Note: That soy crap does not count as ice cream.
Jun 22, 2009 at 9:53 pm rating: +15
#27
K
I was vegetarian/vegan for about ten years so I know all the rhetoric, why they feel the way they feel, etc. I still think it is incredibly irritating how they go about trying to “convert” everyone to their way of life like being a vegan is the new fashionable religion. While I was a vegan I would never have dreamed of trying to force my views on other people or shove those God awful PETA pamphlets under their noses.
Jun 22, 2009 at 9:55 pm rating: +9
#28
Beanster
I don’t push my beliefs on other people, but lord knows I am not just going to sit back and not let my voice be heard when our president goes on a murdering rampage against innocent creatures. That is just crossing the line.
(do vegans kill mosquitos? i mean, they are straight up eating you. if that’s not justification i dont know what is.)
Jun 22, 2009 at 10:32 pm rating: +4
#29
K. Praslowicz
This made my day in more ways than one.
Jun 22, 2009 at 10:46 pm rating: +1
#30
Kim
You think vegans are annoying, spend some time with raw foodists. Downright cult-ish these folks. They like to talk about how their poo doesn’t smell.
Jun 22, 2009 at 10:54 pm rating: +10
#31
leftfoot
Vegans have the nastiest smelling poop and gas I’ve ever had the displeasure to walk into a bathroom second hand on.
I’ll take tequila hang over shit smell over regular vegan crap any day.
Jun 22, 2009 at 11:50 pm rating: +9
#32
bean
HAHAHAHHAHAHHA
Jun 23, 2009 at 12:41 am rating: +2
#33
Computer Man
Wow, I love it. It that lettuce eaters!
Jun 23, 2009 at 12:45 am rating: +1
#34
Craigslist Search
Arrrgghhhhh! Absolutelly hilarious !
It looks like you made it to top 3 Diggs for today !
Jun 23, 2009 at 12:45 am rating: 0
#35
Sesquipedalian
If God didn’t want us to eat animals, he wouldn’t have made them of meat.
Jun 23, 2009 at 12:48 am rating: +10
#36
mmmmmm bacon!
So I have decided that mamason and TheOldSchool are my two most favorite internet ppl of all time!
Jun 23, 2009 at 1:05 am rating: +5
#37
Jeff`
what i don’t get about veganism is them not eating the non meat animal products… You don’t have to kill a Cow for milk , cheese or butter… So why not just be a veg if you care about animals so much… After all we all drank milk as a child and vegans should technically be against that!!!
That’s makes for an interesting point!!!
Are all human babies inherently evil because they drink their mothers milk???
whats the difference then between drinking human milk and cows milk… No one or thing has to die!!!
Plus my cornflakes would taste shit with soya milk!! and my fry up wouldn’t be nearly as nice without eggs to go along with my bacon and sausages!!!
MEAT MEAT MEAT!!!
Jun 23, 2009 at 1:08 am rating: +4
#38
mipsy
I’m on the vegetarian side. Meat eaters attack vegetarians way too much. You guys come across as douchebags.
Jun 23, 2009 at 1:11 am rating: +12
#39
Jill
You know what, eat whatever you want, and don’t be a jack@ss if someone’s eating something different than you. You don’t have to eat it, so hush! Also, instead of complaining about other people eating, donate so starving people who don’t have the luxury of FOOD, let alone choosing a particular diet, can survive.
Jun 23, 2009 at 1:14 am rating: +12
#40
oi!
I am vegetarian and I don’t care what you eat neither should you.
why do you care? if somebody wants eat meat they will eat if not they won’t. Leave people alone.
do you think you come here being all smug making jokes about vegan make them eat meat?
No.
So stfu.
Jun 23, 2009 at 1:37 am rating: +6
#41
oi!
war! fight! flaming! chaos! yay!
My work is done here.
Jun 23, 2009 at 1:44 am rating: +2
#42
Agent Cooper
Hey vegans, your whole family is made out of meat, tasty, tasty meat.
Jun 23, 2009 at 2:52 am rating: +3
#43
thrall38
Is that a butterfly on the poster? If that’s on the menu, then I smell an insectivore, not a vegan.
Jun 23, 2009 at 3:31 am rating: +3
#44
stickman
My favorite thing to do every morning is to see the PAN of the day and read the comments….
Go Team Carnivore!
Jun 23, 2009 at 8:35 am rating: +1
#45
Uncle B
Me and my buddies are waiting for that special nightfall, when Anarchy breaks out in America! We have turbo-bio-diesel SUV’s with portable renderers in tow, at the ready, and will capture and render fat-assed folk in the lane ways and dark corners, for the fuel we need to plunder and rape the land! The Chinese commies will also have portable renderers attached to their diesel tanks, which will over-run our fair, fat-assed country, and reap the immense supplies of the oil stored in the human factor! Large camps will be initiated for the skinny, and we will force-feed them McBurgers and the like, ’til they are a renderable product! If our methods are successful, we may be able to ship oil to China and the world for a profit! America! The Final Chapter!
Jun 23, 2009 at 9:39 am rating: +2
#46
I Eat Mammals Hearts
haha! my name is ironic because I don’t eat mammals! or whatever.
you really don’t even have to make fun of vegans. they’re all living in a hell where everything is serious and the food they eat generally sucks (unless you’re like the one out of a thousand vegans that can actually cook decent tasting food.)
anyone who makes a support group for their picky eating habits should be mocked, roundly.
It is kind of interesting though, because when someone decides to not do something (like own a TV, eat meat, not drink, go commando all the time – which is AWESOME, etc) people immediately demand you give them an explanation! you’re different, why? non-stop! I mean, it’s enough that you suck now and are boring, but to have to add to that the constant social pressure of having to tell everyone WHY all the time… well damn, it’s no wonder they go nuts and make little clubs.
Jun 23, 2009 at 9:46 am rating: +3
#47
Lisa
I’ve never known a vegetarian who will actually state why they won’t eat meat, when asked outright. They always mumble something about “not liking the way it tastes”.
Do I just know a bunch of coy, evasive vegetarians, or is this a common answer?
Jun 23, 2009 at 9:49 am rating: +2
#48
aaa
I’m vegetarian. I don’t understand why the fuck anyone would need a support group for their diet. Maybe I’m just not cool enough since I still eat animal products and wear leather. :/
Jun 23, 2009 at 10:33 am rating: +9
#49
Melissa
HILLSHIRE FARMS!! GO MEAT!!!
Yeah…eating meat is part of nature for humans. We’ve been doing it forever – it’s called the circle of life. That’s why we have different kinds of teeth.
can’t stand vegans.
Jun 23, 2009 at 11:07 am rating: +3
#50
GhostWriter
Sign One:
Smoke-Free?
Non-smoker or trying to quit?
Nonjudgmental support and opportunities to connect. Join Now!
Sign Two:
Smoker?
Full-on Tobacco User and Lovin’ It??
You’ve got no need to connect with ANYBODY!
KEEP BEIN’ AWESOME!!
General PAN Consensus:
“I HATE those Smoke-Free Bastards! Don’t they realize how not-awesome they are?”
Jun 23, 2009 at 11:22 am rating: +8
#51
Jen
SO much meat-pride. Let me tell you this, though…one day the human race will look back on your barbaric eating practices with shame the way we look back at the holocaust now, not just because of the egotistical ways in which we treat animals, but for how STUPID we were for killing ourselves and our children with our forks even though modern nutritional science has proven that we shouldn’t be eating animal products. But long before that happens your mother or your sister or your best friend will die of breast cancer or liver cancer or heart disease and it will be because of the animal “foods” they eat. When you’re looking at their dying face and trying to hold back tears remember your attitude towards people who tried to share the knowledge about plant-based foods with you and how you chided them. Will you be a smart ass then, too? Your views on food are very unevolved, people.
Jun 23, 2009 at 11:25 am rating: +3
#52
androidny
Ummm… *ahem* Shouldn’t the carnivores’ mascot not be represented by an extinct species? Seems a little ironic, don’tcha think?…
Jun 23, 2009 at 11:35 am rating: +18
#53
Hungry
Part of our nature to eat meat? I don’t have the slicy pointy teeth. Does that mean I shouldn’t eat meat? Because when it’s cooked it doesn’t generally need to be “ripped” by my teeth.
Anyway, I know some nice vegans who can cook really well and aren’t humourless. But I know some who are self-righteous morons too. But I couldn’t do without cheese. What kind of life is that?
Jun 23, 2009 at 11:55 am rating: +4
#54
SickBastard
You know what the only part of a vegetable you can’t eat is?
The chair.
Jun 23, 2009 at 11:57 am rating: +3
#55
Lisa
Sorry, Bernd das Brot– didn’t realize that dietary philosophy is a super-secret, super-sensitive subject, inappropriate for casual conversation.
Tell me, why is the subject so taboo? (Or, is that too nobody’s business?)
Jun 23, 2009 at 12:15 pm rating: +2
#56
Bill
I don’t know about the rest of you, but I have front teeth that rip and tear and seem to be meant to chew more than just asparagus and peaches. I find they often need to be sharpened on some kind of bone, usually one from an animal larger than a chipmunk or cute bunny. Besides, what would I do with all this gravy I’ve made?
Jun 23, 2009 at 12:42 pm rating: +6
#57
Danyell
I haven’t eaten meat in about 8 years. I didn’t need a support group. I just…stopped…eating…it.
Though I think being hateful towards anyone for what they eat (or don’t eat) is effing retarded. So everyone needs to dry their eyes and have some cool down time. Then maybe you can learn how to play nice with others.
Jun 23, 2009 at 12:53 pm rating: 0
#58
robb
this is epic win !!!
Jun 23, 2009 at 2:54 pm rating: +2
#59
Becky
The person who wrote the sign on the right is truly awesome.
Jun 23, 2009 at 2:59 pm rating: +2
#60
Jeff
According to my very reliable sources (wiki) a lot of vegans east Honey…But thats an animal product… Don’t they realise those bees work hard all day to make that>>>THOSE BASTARDS!!!
I fancy a nice bowl of honey nut cornflakes now with lots of full cream milk!!! Oh the inhumanity!!!
Jun 23, 2009 at 4:59 pm rating: +1
#61
iNck
We are all omnivores by nature and most of us are omnivores by habit, too. A carnivore is a type of animal, one that eats only meat. We meekly call ourselves carnivores as opposed to vegetarians when we really mean we are omnivores, not perverse faddy eaters who want to assert their peculiar habits on the rest of us.
Jun 23, 2009 at 6:34 pm rating: +1
#62
Jason
Well i must say I did get a veggy pocket for lunch and it was great but I can’t beat an afternoon in my tree stand.
Jun 23, 2009 at 8:40 pm rating: 0
#63
Bitty
#51 Jen.
You remind me of a crazed opinionated religious fiend. You’re one of those people no one wants to get stuck with at a party aren’t you?
I get the feeling you have evolved yourself out of many a relationship!
Jun 23, 2009 at 11:40 pm rating: +1
#64
Lisa
I’ve never made the grand, radical decision to never eat dog food– how presumptuous of you. If faced with hunger, I’d eat it.
My theory is that young people who experiment with Vegetarianism do so because A) it gives them a certain distinct ‘identity’ (such as it is), B) it’s a radical stand (and youngins love the notion of radicalism), and C) it’s non-bourgeois (thereby distinguishing themselves from their hateful middle class parents).
Voila– casual conversation about food and fashion.
Jun 24, 2009 at 12:41 am rating: +2
#65
Kaaaatttt
when i was younger i went to a sleep away camp and one of the boys cabins was filled with hard core meat eaters… their motto was the bloodier the better. well the catch is that there was one vegan kid in that cabin so at the end of the week there is a bon fire for all the cabins and each cabin makes a cheer, the bouys thought it would be fuuny to make pick on the vegan kid so their song was (and i dont know why i remember this)
“save a plant eat a cow
i want meat i want it now
im gonna eat it cuz its dead
im gonna eat it cuz its red
maybe i could eat it raw
let the blood drip down my jaw”
well thankfully the vegan kid had a good sense of humor.
Jun 24, 2009 at 3:48 am rating: 0
#66
Easectgreerse
Do add more stuff to this Blog man!
Jun 24, 2009 at 10:45 am rating: 0
#67
Rei
Why does everyone hate vegeterians and vegans so much?
I’ve been vegeterian for like two years and people will chat away with me for ages until they find out I’m veggie and freak out. Srsly. I don’t care wtf you eat so why should you care what I eat?
It’s very stupid.
Jun 24, 2009 at 12:07 pm rating: +5
#68
The Beautiful Kind
YAWN. Lame.
Humans are not carnivores. But they sure can be selfish greedy bastards with zero empathy!
Jun 24, 2009 at 3:32 pm rating: 0
#69
N.L.
My friend has recently jumped on the vegetarian bandwagon, and has been yapping about “clean food” like I’m supposed to be impressed that she has the same diet I feed to my rabbit or something.
I would love to send her this gem
Jun 24, 2009 at 4:44 pm rating: +1
#70
So anonymous in the Cbus
Holy cow. This excites the crap out of me because I live in Columbus (altho alas do not work for this particular mega corp) and have also been vegetarian for 13 years and am passingly aware of this group altho I only know one or two people in it.
And by the by, not all veggies are humorless hectoring wimps so suck on that carnies.
Jun 24, 2009 at 5:24 pm rating: +1
#71
Snippy
Nothing to see here but the sad remnants of a gigglebrax failure. Move along now.
Jun 24, 2009 at 5:26 pm rating: +1
#72
xs
the workmanship on that PAN is incredible… carnivores are so clever : )
Jun 24, 2009 at 6:12 pm rating: +1
#73
Robert
Thanks for sharing the funny. Reposted at http://iamhilarious.com/soyfckers-anonymous/
Jun 24, 2009 at 7:34 pm rating: 0
#74
ken
lot like a bunch of veggies frown togther an tossed about. Which sounds a lot like a sa lad And hat would make you rabbid food. Rabbits are not caravans even if they have hot bunny beans (so I’ve read). But they are carnival ivore foster. And that is about that
Jun 24, 2009 at 7:35 pm rating: 0
#75
kman
i just stumbled this and boy, did it make my day.
silly vegans.
Jun 24, 2009 at 9:12 pm rating: 0
#76
Sean
Aww, god love ya. Veganism is a fad and not the end to world hunger. Let’s figure out the whole issue with getting everyone in the world a meal, before we tell them what they CAN’T eat, ok? Veganism is somewhere between a religious rite and a middle class indulgence, but neither is a solution to anything other than “How can one piss off rich parents, make me vaguely edgy AND have vile flatuence at once?”
Jun 24, 2009 at 10:22 pm rating: +3
#77
momjob
I found it quite funny that at one point I was boning a vegan for awhile. She wouldn’t eat meat, but, she sure would eat my trouser meat… and it’s juices. Seems pretty hypocritical if you ask me.
Jun 25, 2009 at 4:02 am rating: 0
#78
Moogoo Gai Pan
I’m not sure why one has to choose sides here. I mean our TEETH show that we are omnivores, as are all other primates. No matter what stats you wish to fling at one another (hehe, fling) we do need the proteins of BOTH to maintain a proper diet. Balance is key in all things, especially food. One doesn’t have to go all extreme to one way or the other to enjoy a healthy and guiltless life. Anyone who thinks eating meat is bad, really doesn’t have all the info at hand. Or if they choose not to eat meat because of cruelty…well I say nature IS cruel.
That’s just how it is. If there were some other beings above us in the food chain, I’d doubt they’d be hesitating to eat us just because we could talk and think and stuff. lol
But really, why do we human beings have to over-complicate something simple like this? For something to do? lol I say if it tastes good, then eat it! If you want to put some thought into it, then make it a balanced meal. Just my two cents.
Jun 25, 2009 at 5:23 am rating: +1
#79
Cannibal
You know what else is funny? Starving children, brutal rapes, birth defects, and so-called tragedies. Yesterday I saw someone get killed in a car accident and I am still laughing today. And it doesn’t take a lot of work to enjoy the humor of suffering with other people with a similar sense of humor as me. I have loads of friends who enjoy jokes about suffering.
To make our non-sociopathic friends real mad we exhibit pictures of starvation, severed heads and what not. They get so upset. How judgmental to try to force “compassion” on those of us who just get a good laugh out of other people’s pain.
Hahahahahahahaha. Still thinking about the death I saw yesterday. So much blood.
Jun 25, 2009 at 4:09 pm rating: 0
#80
Cannibal
We need to all hang out and torture each others pets. That will show those silly vegans!
Jun 25, 2009 at 5:02 pm rating: 0
#81
Danyell
I was just wondering if the people who hate vegetarians would get just as outraged if someone said they didn’t eat bread.
Just curious if it’s a particular food group thing, or just anger at people who choose different lifestyles.
Jun 25, 2009 at 9:33 pm rating: +1