Make an effing wish

June 25th, 2009 · 93 comments

Rachel spotted this on a frat house fridge in Champaign, Illinois, adding: “Said fridge was indeed revolting.”

I wish Babler would clean the f*cking fridge!

Meanwhile, Helen swiped this from an equally revolting frat house in Vancouver. Adds Helen: “The reason why it is so ripped up is because a frat boy saw me steal the note and we fought for it for a while.”

NO DUDES ON THE POLE - You will break it and hurt and embarrass yourself

related: How hazing rituals are born

FILED UNDER: Canada · cleaning · college life · fratboys · fridge · roommates · Vancouver


93 responses so far ↓

  • #1   eve

    that star is delicious.

    Jun 25, 2009 at 2:30 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   Joe bang

      I wish I could shove that pointy thing down your throat.

      Jun 25, 2009 at 3:30 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   claw71 bang

    I wish Rachel would stop fooling around inthe kitchen and pull the fringgin’ train already. Come on, candy pants, your house lost the greek games and you drew the short straw. Face down ass up, don’t stop ’til the last passenger climbs aboard. WOOO WOOOO>

    Jun 25, 2009 at 2:36 pm   rating: 21  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   mh

      What the fuck, Claw. Not funny.

      Jun 25, 2009 at 2:57 pm   rating: 21  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.2   Saysh bang

      claw is ALWAYS funny.

      You must be new, right?

      Jun 25, 2009 at 3:17 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.3   Sirius¤ bang

      Sigh — always an engineer, never a brakeman….

      Jun 25, 2009 at 3:22 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.4   se

      Well, I don’t think that was very nice of Claw.
      He should have at least offered her a pillow to bite on..

      Jun 25, 2009 at 3:27 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.5   GhostWriter bang

      What a perfect opportunity to remind claw71 that he sometimes goes over-the-top.

      …like when he steals from AIDS patients. What the fuck claw???

      Jun 25, 2009 at 3:33 pm   rating: 20  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.6   racerx2233

      ………. join in start a love train, love train.

      Jun 25, 2009 at 9:57 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.7   RunBarbara bang

      claw only steals from AIDS patients to support his addiction to young girls and hostess fruit pies. he would never steal unless it was a good cause (except from cripples, cause he hates cripples).

      Jun 25, 2009 at 11:53 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.8   TheOldSchool

      What I don’t understand is this: when a crippled teenaged girl says “No,” it unequivocably means “No.”

      Yet, when a crippled teenaged girl says she’s 18, it suddenly becomes the gentleman’s responsibilty to ascertain the veracity of her statement.

      My sensible message to crippled teenaged girls: you can’t have it both ways.

      Jun 26, 2009 at 12:06 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.9   RunBarbara bang

      sure they can, they just have to bring some lube and cough a few times. it’ll slide right in the step-daddy hole.

      Jun 26, 2009 at 12:21 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.10   TheOldSchool

      Thanks, for the reasoned advice, RB. If only wheelchair manufacturers were as visionary as you, life would become a whole lot easier for all concerned.

      For instance, why can’t these chairs be turned into cots with a simple push of a button. Some of these girls are heavy (most likely due to lack of exercise) and it’s hard to lift them up onto the bed. (Must the butterballs always have to settle for oral? Where’s the humanity?)

      Jun 26, 2009 at 1:02 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #3   Sirius¤ bang

    Make-A-Wish glitter star on the fridge? I’m thinking Rachel is only in the house as a platonic fashion consultant.

    Jun 25, 2009 at 2:46 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   mamason bang

      What does platonic fashion look like?

      Jun 25, 2009 at 3:47 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.2   Sirius¤ bang

      That’s when you’re friends tell you that you look fabulous, but nobody will fuck you.

      Jun 25, 2009 at 4:33 pm   rating: 19  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.3   mamason bang

      I need to change my clothes.

      Jun 25, 2009 at 4:38 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.4   TheOldSchool

      Sirius,

      Minor quibble: if a man tells a woman that she looks “fabulous,” but he shows no interest in fucking her, I’ll bet the reason for that has nothing whatsoever to do with her (or any other woman’s) attire.

      Jun 25, 2009 at 5:06 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.5   racerx2233

      Normally it’s an odor issue…… if the guy is sober.

      Jun 25, 2009 at 10:00 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   Woman on the Verge bang

    I’ve never seen a fucking fridge before… how do you use it? Doesn’t the cold inhibit performance?

    Jun 25, 2009 at 2:52 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   mamason bang

      Shrinkage could be a problem.

      Jun 25, 2009 at 3:30 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.2   TheOldSchool

      There is a somewhat frigid air that surrounds these appliances.

      I prefer the warm soft buns of my sexy little toaster oven, “GEna.”

      Jun 25, 2009 at 4:52 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.3   Horny Robot

      Thump! Thump! Thunk! Thump! Thunk! Thunk! Thump! Thump! Thump! Thunk! Thump! Thunk! Thunk! Thunk!

      Jun 25, 2009 at 5:00 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.4   Sirius¤ bang

      We lost another one to L. Ron Hoover, at the First Church of Appliantology.

      Jun 25, 2009 at 5:02 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.5   jackie31337 bang

      Where do you think those little mini fridges come from?

      Jun 26, 2009 at 6:23 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.6   TheOldSchool

      Has anyone else here tried “safe sex?”

      Once you know the combination, they’re easy.

      Jun 26, 2009 at 3:58 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   Black Kristos

    I’d like to know what other bits of important business the rest of that note paper is up to.

    Jun 25, 2009 at 3:09 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #6   SuperMe

    Would have been funnier if the note said:

    “I’m DYING for Babler to clean the FUCKING fridge.”

    Or maybe that would just make it more tasteless.
    Ah well, either way…

    Jun 25, 2009 at 3:18 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   Saysh bang

      *applauds*

      What? I was amused…

      Jun 25, 2009 at 3:26 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.2   Clumber

      Winner!

      Jun 30, 2009 at 8:18 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #7   oi!

    I wish Babler was a fucking human and not a fish !

    Jun 25, 2009 at 3:31 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   oi!

      wow! that can be interpreted in more than one way if I were to miss articles.

      Jun 25, 2009 at 3:33 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.2   ryanmalloy

      Yeah, it could be interpreted differently if it said something different. Language never ceases to amaze me.

      Jun 25, 2009 at 3:41 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.3   park rose bang

      Hi oi! I kind of tested your theory, and thanks for the articles, they are always appreciated.

      I babelfished your comment into Japanese and then from Japanese back into English, and it came up with this:
      I desire the fact that Babler is very the human and the fish which is not.

      The intent behind the original article usage was definitely lost in translation ;)

      Jun 25, 2009 at 11:03 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.4   oi bang

      hee hee hee.
      inside joke also gets lost in translation, ryanmalloy.

      Jun 25, 2009 at 11:05 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #8   GhostWriter bang

    Unfortunately, half the note was ripped away during a round of grabass in the frat kitchen.

    Otherwise, Babler the the Austrian maid would have read the whole thing: “I wish Babler would clean the fucking bathroom and keep her fat sausage-like fingers out of our fridge!”

    The bathroom’s still filthy, but the fridge has been emptied, and Babler’s so full that she’s taking a nap on the couch.

    Jun 25, 2009 at 3:40 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

     
  • #9   Heather

    Ugh, lately these have been lame. They’re not passive at all and aggressive/direct all the way.

    This isn’t “notes complaining about how much you suck at life.”

    Jun 25, 2009 at 3:41 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   mamason bang

      Do you smell that? Don’t worry, I just set Heather’s hair on fire because I hate her and I deem her too stupid to live.

      Jun 25, 2009 at 3:53 pm   rating: 22  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.2   Sirius¤ bang

      Mmmmmm, I love the smell of burning stupid in the morning!

      Jun 25, 2009 at 4:37 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.3   TheOldSchool

      Heather, you have just caused a major PANic at the PAN Headquarters.

      Please … before people lose their jobs, could you find it within your heart to outline exactly what types of notes meet your specifications?

      Jun 25, 2009 at 5:24 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.4   Chinchillazilla

      Heather, I would really appreciate it if you could try to learn about the websites you visit in the future. You’re embarrassing us all.

      Thanks! :)

      (How was that?)

      Jun 25, 2009 at 9:23 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #10   Flaboy2425

    You want the fridge cleaned? Do it yourself. It looks like most of the junk in it is yours anyway.

    Jun 25, 2009 at 4:06 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #11   stickman

    Clean the fridge? Just buy a new one!

    Jun 25, 2009 at 4:39 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #12   DearJane

    Does anyone know what the fridge was revolting against? Was it a vegan fridge stuffed with meat? A non-condimentalist overfilled with mustard and 7 bottles of ranch?

    Jun 25, 2009 at 4:47 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   jackie31337 bang

      There’s a joke to be made about the fridge being stuffed with meat, but I can’t seem to make it. Where’s Claw when you need him?

      Jun 26, 2009 at 6:26 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #13   CS harmonikah

    Every time you wish upon a “fucking” star.
    An angel gets…..

    well, you’d rather not know.

    Jun 25, 2009 at 4:51 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   marx

      … it in the pooper?

      Jun 25, 2009 at 8:09 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.2   TheOldSchool

      Angels don’t use the word: “pooper.”

      They call it: “the back pussy.”

      Jun 25, 2009 at 8:58 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #14   Sirius¤ bang

    Glitter stars on the fridge, dudes on the pole — these frat guys are so deep in the closet they can see Narnia!

    Jun 25, 2009 at 5:56 pm   rating: 43  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   Sirius¤ bang

      I’d be lion if I said there is anything witch is wrong with that.

      Jun 25, 2009 at 6:46 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.2   mamason bang

      I hope they remember their platonic wardrobe.

      Jun 25, 2009 at 8:13 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.3   park rose bang

      Her Imperial Majesty Jadis, Queen of Narnia, Chatelaine of Cair Paravel, Empress of the Lone Islands, aka Tilda Swinton, the White Witch or the Ice Queen, always struck me as the clean type. The message on the fridge is bewildering.

      Jun 25, 2009 at 10:17 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #15   peonia

    i see they’ve taken down devra’s “passive-aggressive” note from yesterday. interesting…

    Jun 25, 2009 at 6:58 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   Sirius¤ bang

      There were too many people wining about it.

      Jun 25, 2009 at 7:06 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.2   TheOldSchool

      No, really. Why is it gone?

      Jun 25, 2009 at 7:22 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.3   oi!

      I think because there were too much of personal information on the note.
      And I don’t think submitter actually took the permission to post it on the internet from the winery or whoever.

      Jun 25, 2009 at 8:12 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.4   mamason bang

      It’s back and edited.

      Jun 25, 2009 at 8:15 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.5   TheOldSchool

      Just rub my magic lump, make a wish, and it will come true.

      (Within reason.)

      Jun 25, 2009 at 8:37 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.6   racerx2233

      (I wish) I was 6′ 2″ tall

      Jun 25, 2009 at 10:05 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.7   racerx2233

      I rubbed that nasty fucking thing and I’ still only 5′ 7&3/4″ tall. What a gyp.

      Jun 25, 2009 at 10:07 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.8   park rose bang

      ToS is more engorged elongated now, though ;)

      Jun 25, 2009 at 10:20 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.9   TheOldSchool

      Racerx,

      Sorry, I should have been more specific. Rub the the magic lump and MY wish comes true.

      Jun 25, 2009 at 10:40 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #16   Eccentric_Lady bang

    The comments are greater then the post… :)

    Jun 25, 2009 at 7:49 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   mamason bang

      Of course.

      Jun 25, 2009 at 8:16 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.2   TheOldSchool

      Mamason,

      I know how your naughty mind operates. You’re just saying that because you love the thumb action.

      Jun 25, 2009 at 8:42 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.3   mamason bang

      It’s a dirty job, butt thumbody’s got to do it.

      Jun 26, 2009 at 5:15 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.4   park rose

      @ eccentric lady, thumb-parts are greater than the hole. not that there’s anything wrong with that.
      it’s why we post so much.

      Jun 27, 2009 at 7:40 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #17   TheOldSchool

    The star on the fridge reminds me of “the stars in my eyes” that I had regarding Michael Jackson.

    With the news of his death, I’m learning that he wasn’t quite the “Average Joe – Typical Suburban Dad” that I’d long believed him to be.

    Jun 25, 2009 at 8:52 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   park rose bang

      From the second note, this:
      the reason why it is so ripped up is because a frat boy saw me steal the note and we fought for it for a while
      brings to mind the choreography from one of his many film clips.

      Additionally, the girl on the left in a green circle holding a pole is a representation of Michael in his wearing-a-burka- while- living- in -Bahrain phase. Why he is hiking the Il Camino, though, I’ll never know.

      Jun 25, 2009 at 11:11 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.2   TheOldSchool

      Rose, that’s a good question.

      From what I’ve managed to glean over the past six hours of nonstop coverage, I’ve discovered that Michael Jackson was a bit of an odd duck.

      Hopefully, he’s reading PAN in heaven and will somehow manage to communicate the answer.

      (Then again, there are probably so many beautiful 50 year old women up there that he’s going to be busy doing you know what.)

      Jun 25, 2009 at 11:38 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.3   RunBarbara bang

      and by women of course you mean “ten year old boys with rosy cheeks and strong knees”…

      Jun 26, 2009 at 12:18 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.4   TheOldSchool

      RB, let me clarify this for you. Pardon my language if what I’m about to say is “ribald.”

      Up in heaven, MJ won’t care about his young fans’ abilities to jump up and down and “moonwalk” at his performances.

      Michael’s going to be just as into S.E.X. with middle-aged women, as he was before, but at an even more frenetic pace.

      (Farrah is first on his list. Just you watch.)

      Jun 26, 2009 at 12:47 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #18   oi bang

    I don’t understand second note at all. Is it about pole dancing? If so then it is discriminating against guys.

    Jun 25, 2009 at 11:19 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   oi bang

      or girls.

      Jun 25, 2009 at 11:49 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.2   TheOldSchool

      oi!,

      After six hours of nonstop scrutiny, I’m prepared to say the following:

      “The second note pertains to university policy regarding appropriate uses for any and all equipment belonging to the ladies’ pole vaulting team.”

      Jun 26, 2009 at 12:33 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.3   park rose

      I agree. It is all a bit confusing. I mean, the Big Lebowski is a Pole, right? And he’s also the dude… I can’t figure it out either, oi!

      Jun 26, 2009 at 1:28 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.4   TheOldSchool

      Rose,

      I thought we discussed this. What I name the various parts of my anatomy is a private matter.

      Jun 26, 2009 at 2:46 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.5   park rose

      You’re constantly educating me, ToS. I didn’t realise that ‘Big Lebowski’ and ‘Pee Wee’ were synonyms. ;)

      Either way, the dudes are to stay away, right? You wouldn’t want to be up for litigation in the case of embarrassment or harm.

      Jun 26, 2009 at 4:07 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.6   ryanmalloy

      No dudes on the pole?
      Why, Amundsen and Scott surely were dudes, …?!

      Jun 26, 2009 at 10:46 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.7   park rose

      and Santa.

      Jun 26, 2009 at 7:40 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.8   TheOldSchool

      I’m beginning to think the line between Santa and Michael Jackson is becoming eerily blurred.

      That kids on lap thing. The creepy chuckle. Naughty? Nice? Bad?

      Before anybody starts whispering, I’m going to say it clearly: THE EASTER BUNNY IS NOT INVOLVED WITH THIS CRIME RING.

      Jun 26, 2009 at 9:30 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.9   park rose bang

      Prince Albert of Monaco might be involved, though. Not that I’d want to cast aspersions, and not that he’s even a Pole. I’m all for decorating the pole, actually. With dudes, or dudettes, or various trinkets, though one has to be careful to avoid harm and embarrassment. The importance of the latter two points cannot be stressed enough.

      Jun 26, 2009 at 10:15 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.10   oi bang

      No seriously what is about?

      Jun 27, 2009 at 3:40 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #19   Michael Jackson

    Sorry, The Old School, but I’m in Hell. Pervert Hell is right next to Passive-Aggressive Hell. And as for note #2, I see nothing wrong with dudes on the pole (if you know what I mean, wink wink. I’m Bad!). Gotta go, Satan wants to dangle me out the window over a pit of enraged chimpanzees.

    Jun 25, 2009 at 11:52 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #19.1   Canthz_B bang

      So, Mike…what do you look like in the afterlife? 1975 Michael or a character from Tim Burton’s The Nightmare Before Christmas?

      Not that there’s anything wrong with that…

      Anyway, everyone knows Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t go to Hell…I’ve told them to repeatedly, but they just keep coming back to my door.

      Jun 26, 2009 at 12:16 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.2   mamason bang

      Didn’t MJ convert to Islam?

      Jun 26, 2009 at 5:20 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #20   Canthz_B bang

    “No guys on the pole, you will break it and hurt/embarrass yourself.” was the working title of the “Defense of Marriage Act”.

    Jun 26, 2009 at 12:10 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

     
  • #21   RunBarbara bang

    im responsible for the first note, sort of….

    i lived in a frat house for a while. well…”lived” is really generous since i mostly just slept in the bathtub and ate mashed potatoes in the cafeteria until the guys left for class. i just sort of hid out until the statute expired on my warrants.
    as soon as the frat would leave, i would rifle through their underwear drawers and place josh’s boxer briefs in brian’s dresser, then i’d exchange kevin and tyler’s tighty-whiteys and hide a few handfuls of the chubby guy’s superhero shorts under the anorexic dude’s bed. as soon as i’d hear the rustle of visors and the jangling of keychain collections, i’d hide under a pile of star wars comics (the chubby guy had a thing for them) and watch as the passive-aggressive madness ensued.

    babler was the chubby guy and he had a rare type of somnambulism where he would zombie walk to the kitchen, eat everything he could grasp with his pudgy hands and then shit all over the fridge when he couldn’t make it to the toilet. this happened mostly due to the stress of having his underwear stolen a few times a week. the other guys tolerated it because babler did all of their physics homework (and occasionally let them jack off into his mouth when they were drunk….dude, if you don’t look me in the eyes it isnt gay…).

    babler was usually pretty good about wiping down the batched fridge but since he found all of his family guy undies under the anorexic guy’s bed, covered in lukewarm mashed potatoes and sprinkled with hair, he just couldn’t deal with it anymore. so after a particularly rough night of eating uncooked pasta, two boxes of brownie mix and a bowl of captain crunch out of the sink, he really turned his backdoor hose loose on the fridge. it looked like someone had shot cookie dough out of a cannon and smelled like a beached whale in the noon sun. he left for a day of rune reading in the park while his room mates had to deal with the drying stains of his midnight binge.

    after a week, they couldn’t take it anymore. they tried to be nice and ignore it since babler was the only reason they were still passing. i kept hiding out and re-arranging their personal belongings and babler stayed at his mom’s house and stopped returning their calls. the anorexic guy snapped and started leaving these notes all over the frat house. i guess that’s when rachel came in and found it. with a shit-caked fridge and a bunch of failing frat guys, its pretty fortunate that this was as bad as it got.

    Jun 26, 2009 at 12:14 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #21.1   Commentator

      1. Steal underwear
      2. ???
      3. PROFIT !!!

      Jun 26, 2009 at 5:00 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #22   jackie31337 bang

    Way to go Helen for beating up a frat boy and stealing his sign!

    Jun 26, 2009 at 6:17 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #22.1   lauren

      The fact they had a sign fight is the single best thing about this post. It makes me so happy :-)

      Jun 27, 2009 at 8:56 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #23   Ralph

    I wish there was video of Helen and the frat boy fighting. Chivalry surely is dead.

    Jun 27, 2009 at 2:25 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #24   puppy

    Geez, Helen, you could have just taken a picture.

    Jun 28, 2009 at 4:03 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     

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