And those Cheetos were my baby’s yellow dye #6

June 26th, 2009 · 90 comments

This all-staff e-mail is like a fetus-sized version of one of my favorite self-righteous masterpieces. (How this one got buried in my inbox for so long, I have no idea.)

It comes to us courtesy of Jennifer in Chapel Hill, N.C., who notes: “In this instance, ‘local users,’ is everyone in our corporate HQ — including the president, vice presidents, directors, legal counsel, etc., who don’t typically utilize the refrigerator in the staff break room.”

You are welcome!

related: It must have been a pretty big bite

extra credit: STFU, Parents

 

FILED UNDER: all-staff e-mail · Moms & Dads · North Carolina · office · office fridge · preggers · runaway run-on sentences · stealing · yogurt


90 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Beth

    I’m now picturing a Cheeto in my uterus and how it might have gotten there.

    *shudder*

    Jun 26, 2009 at 9:42 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   CS harmonikah

      mmmm…..foreplay.

      Jun 26, 2009 at 9:47 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.2   amy d bang

      Beth’s comment + the PregnanSee ad right above it= hurl factor #9.

      Jun 26, 2009 at 9:48 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.3   TheOldSchool

      Beth, you’re in luck. I happen to own and operate an in-utero-cheeto removal service.

      “Vag-a-matic: Your Downstairs Valet”

      (Franchises available soon.)

      Jun 26, 2009 at 4:31 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.4   TheOldSchool

      Actual dialogue overheard at the pool:

      Teen Girl A: “I like Beth, but what’s the deal with the fluorescent orange stain that is seemingly emanating from her tight little hoo-hah?”

      Teen Girl B: “I don’t even WANT to know. It’s just plain gross. Let’s stop being her friend.”

      Announcer: “Vag-a-matic: Wouldn’t YOU like to bend over and spread ‘em, without people jeering or shrieking in horror?”

      Jun 26, 2009 at 4:44 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.5   TheOldSchool

      In the introduction to this note, Kerry demurely confesses: “how this one got buried in my inbox for so long, i have no idea.”

      Kerry, listen. It took guts to admit that you’ve lost track of all the gunk festering in your inbox.

      Now that you’ve come clean on a confessional level to your associates at PAN, why not come clean on a more physical level with the new “top ‘n’ tail-torn-asunder-even-down-under-toe-curler-pube-unfurler” service that is on special this weekend from Vag-a-matic?

      I’m not suggesting it because I’m the owner/operator. Really.

      (That would be such a crass thing to even think, let alone, suggest.)

      I just want you and the rest of world’s women to be able to take advantage of this weekend’s extraordinary savings.

      Do it now, and then, on the Fourth of July, you can watch the fireworks from the privacy of your own boudoir.

      If anyone has doubts, I’m more than happy to provide you with a list of women’s first names and the abbreviations of their states, along with the assorted upbeat adjectives that they used to describe V-a-M.

      Jun 26, 2009 at 10:01 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.6   Dr. Feelgood

      “That cheeto was NOT delicious.”

      Jun 30, 2009 at 2:23 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   Julie

    Won’t somebody PLEASE think of the children!?

    Jun 26, 2009 at 9:42 am   rating: 17  small thumbs up

     
  • #3   amy d bang

    I guess LaTonya’s punctuation was in that bag as well.

    Jun 26, 2009 at 9:44 am   rating: 32  small thumbs up

     
  • #4   CS harmonikah

    Pregnant woman are so self important.
    From now on, I’m only eating food that i steal from pregnant women. Take that fetuses.

    Jun 26, 2009 at 9:50 am   rating: 63  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   Dr. H. L.

      Perhaps you could take it a step further and only eat fetuses?

      Jun 26, 2009 at 9:56 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.2   CS harmonikah

      Only if it gave me super powers like Christopher Reeve.

      Jun 26, 2009 at 10:44 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.3   oi!

      @4. claw does not like sharing his food.

      Jun 26, 2009 at 11:37 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.4   fluffy8u

      @4, I often find that
      Pregnant women are smug.

      Jun 26, 2009 at 5:00 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.5   marx

      @4.1. claw does not like sharing his food.

      Jun 26, 2009 at 5:11 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.6   Geek Goddess

      Take that fetus.

      Jun 26, 2009 at 6:12 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.7   Car RamRod

      Fetuses are kind of small though. Better to wait for it to be born. Then you can just eat the baby.

      What’s the difference between a dead baby and a thanksgiving turkey? I don’t fuck the turkey before I eat it.

      Jul 20, 2009 at 7:54 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   Yonkers

    … and that beer was my baby’s hops and barley for the day!

    Jun 26, 2009 at 10:00 am   rating: 49  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   MAMARILLA2 bang

      …That vodka was my baby’s potatoes for the day!

      Jun 26, 2009 at 11:43 am   rating: 18  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.2   fluffy8u

      …that weed was my baby’s vegetable for the day!

      Jun 26, 2009 at 4:01 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.3   Dani

      That crystal meth was my baby’s crystal meth for the day!

      Jul 17, 2009 at 3:24 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   Joe bang

    Why are we all assuming she’s pregnant? Maybe her “baby” is really 20 years old and still living with her, unable to cut the cord.

    Or maybe she regurgitates it for him, like a bird.

    Jun 26, 2009 at 10:10 am   rating: 54  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   DearJane

      starring in their low-budget movie “Two people – one yogurt”

      Jun 26, 2009 at 11:58 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.2   fluffy8u

      Why did I hear that in Will Truman’s voice?

      Jun 26, 2009 at 5:16 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.3   mamason bang

      No one knows.

      Jun 26, 2009 at 6:23 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #7   Eccentric_Lady bang

    Eeew Joe!

    Jun 26, 2009 at 10:17 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #8   Colleen in MA

    Those exclamation marks were my baby’s punctuation for the day!

    Jun 26, 2009 at 10:19 am   rating: 33  small thumbs up

     
  • #9   zenvelo

    maybe the food lion ate it!

    lion cubs need calcium too.

    Jun 26, 2009 at 10:39 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

     
  • #10   aaa

    If we’re going to get into your fetus’ nutrition, is that also its daily dose of high fructose corn syrup? ;D

    Jun 26, 2009 at 10:42 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   fluffy8u

      Hey! High fructose corn syrup is a natural sweetener, made from corn, and like sugar, is fine in moderation!

      Jun 26, 2009 at 4:14 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #11   Quite Contrary

    is it just my experience or all AP clerks this self-righteous?

    Jun 26, 2009 at 10:43 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #12   Devika

    I wish we had Food Lion in Brooklyn. I look forward to a trip there whenever I visit my grandparents in Tennessee.

    Jun 26, 2009 at 10:47 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   mamason bang

      Food Lion backwards is noiL dooF!

      Jun 26, 2009 at 5:59 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.2   TheOldSchool

      Mama,

      What is A&P backwards? I’d dearly love to know, but it’ll take me too long to figure it out on my own.

      7-11, too, but only if your time isn’t pressing.

      Jun 27, 2009 at 2:19 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #13   crackjob

    That was my baby’s acidophilus and bifidus for the day, you monsters!

    Jun 26, 2009 at 11:01 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #14   claw71 bang

    LaTonya, generally speaking the typical container of yogurt only has about 20% of the calcium you need for the day. Unless somebody swiped a six pack of those things, I suggest you schedule an appointment with your OB/GYN and ask for the lecture on the importance of prenatal vitamins.

    Jun 26, 2009 at 11:08 am   rating: 54  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   GhostWriter bang

      The Food Lion bag contained not just a yogurt, but also a strawberry and a cheesecake.

      Even a single slice of White Chocolate Raspberry Truffle Cheesecake from The Cheesecake Factory contains all the calcium you’ll need for yourself and twins. I’m surprised more pregnant ladies don’t pack it for lunch.

      Jun 26, 2009 at 11:56 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.2   ryanmalloy

      @claw:
      LaTonya should look for an OB/GYN who knows that calcium is no vitamin. Not even a prenatal one.

      Jun 26, 2009 at 1:46 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.3   Maas

      It’s worth noting that the bag contained not only the food, but at one time, the person who ate the food.

      I, for one, am appalled that people go about eating food which is not theirs while in plastic bags.

      On deeper reflection, it occurs to me that the note does not accuse anyone of actually eating the food, simply of deciding to. Is there less calcium in the food if several people decide to eat it?

      Jun 26, 2009 at 2:30 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.4   TheOldSchool

      Heads up for LaTonya: Don’t let a stolen container of yogurt blow your day.

      Semen contains calcium.

      http://answers.google.com/answers/threadview?id=602887

      Jun 26, 2009 at 3:48 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.5   mamason bang

      Luckily, calicium filled semen is absorbable via the epidermis. TOS told me that the face is the best application site with the buttocks a close number 2.

      *I still think the twice daily applications are excessive*

      Jun 26, 2009 at 6:05 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.6   fluffy8u

      And according to Love Line, when applied to the face, it helps greatly with acne. Remember that, horny teenagers!

      Jun 26, 2009 at 6:25 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.7   Canthz_B bang

      ryan, prenatal supplements consist of a variety of vitamins and minerals.
      Among the minerals included in OTC and Rx “prenatal vitamin” products, you will find calcium.

      Jun 26, 2009 at 10:54 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #15   Ross

    You tell ‘em, TheTonya!

    Jun 26, 2009 at 11:13 am   rating: 17  small thumbs up

     
  • #16   oi!

    oh please do not breath. Don’t you know I am pregnant? Do you know how much amount of CO2 you exhale you big fat chubby non pregnant (totally worthless) thing(yes guys too)? You are making this world living hell for future generations you selfish dummy!!
    and if any GUY dares to say anything to me, well first walk in my shoes alright?

    Yeah that’s what I thought.

    Jun 26, 2009 at 11:48 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   aaa

      I’ve got 25 pounds of tapeworm in my gut that I have to keep fed. You try walking in my shoes! Douchebag.

      Jun 26, 2009 at 12:41 pm   rating: 20  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.2   Joe bang

      to, two, too
      your, you’re
      there, their, they’re
      affect, effect

      Why do these words get all the attention? When will we finally teach people that breath != breathe?

      Jun 26, 2009 at 12:41 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.3   oi bang

      I do not proof-read my comments so you are welcome to do it. err.. thanks for doing it? whatever.
      and if you look closely you will find some more.

      aaa do you realize I was being sarcastic? May be they should define sarcastic face smiley. any help?

      Jun 26, 2009 at 1:11 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.4   Eric bang

      My tapeworm tells me what to do
      My tapeworm tells me where to go
      Pull the tapeworm outta your ass, HEY!
      Pull the tapeworm outta your ass, HEY!
      Pull the tapeworm outta your ass, HEY!
      Pull the tapeworm outta your ass

      HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY!

      Jun 26, 2009 at 1:25 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #17   JoelWhy

    Strawberry cheesecake yogurt? Sounds less like your baby’s ‘calcium’, and more like your baby’s introduction to adolescent-onset diabetes.

    Jun 26, 2009 at 11:55 am   rating: 47  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   aaa

      Adolescent-onset? Try fetal-onset!

      Jun 26, 2009 at 12:42 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.2   agenthousewife

      um… yeah. Gestational diabetes is real, and it makes BIIIIIG babies. That come out with HUGE heads. So really, losing that bit of calcium served with the healthy dose of corn syrup can only HELP the baby at this stage, geez.

      Jun 27, 2009 at 12:42 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.3   MAMARILLA2 bang

      Perhaps she is offsetting this with cigarette smoking to reduce the birth weight.

      Jun 27, 2009 at 12:48 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #18   GhostWriter bang

    She was right to include the President in her email rant. Obama is a huge Strawberry Cheesecake yogurt fan.

    Jun 26, 2009 at 12:02 pm   rating: 26  small thumbs up

     
  • #19   xs

    How can LaTonya write this and expect her baby shower to be any good?! There goes your $900 Orbit Baby Infant System out the window You are Welcome!

    Jun 26, 2009 at 12:28 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

     
  • #20   Mark

    That girl needs a new name. She gonna name the kid LaCalcium? Or maybe, The Yoghurt?

    Jun 26, 2009 at 12:46 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #21   V-

    Nm… I type too slow today

    Jun 26, 2009 at 1:07 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #22   Girl Friday

    It looks as if she wanted to say more but decided against it.

    That was your baby’s calcium…and???

    Next time go big or go home.

    Jun 26, 2009 at 1:17 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

     
  • #23   situational lefty bang

    I’m going to become pregnant so I can use guilt trips to get my point across more effectively.

    “Thanks for driving slow in the left lane, now it’s going to take my baby 10 extra minutes to get home.”

    “Thanks for cancelling my flight, do you know how long my baby has waited to go to Florida?”

    “Thanks for taking up two parking spots, now my baby is going to have to walk even farther to get to the store.”

    God, being pregnant would be awesome…

    Jun 26, 2009 at 2:52 pm   rating: 37  small thumbs up

    • #23.1   Cordelia

      ROFLOL -the Florida one is priceless!

      Jun 26, 2009 at 11:59 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.2   TheOldSchool

      SL,

      You’ve convinced me. Tomorrow I’m shopping for a dress, a wig, and a throw pillow.

      (I’ll save money and gain sympathy by going barefoot.)

      Jun 27, 2009 at 1:01 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.3   park rose

      Who are you trying to kid? What do you mean go shopping? ;)

      Jun 28, 2009 at 7:16 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.4   Tria

      23.2 – make sure you take a decent belt so it doesn’t fall out from under whatever you’re wearing.

      Jul 14, 2009 at 8:21 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #24   thirty six red

    I’m feeling passive today – Meh. That is all.

    Jun 26, 2009 at 2:52 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #25   Thiago Borba

    Hello,

    I work for the brazilian magazine GLOSS (www.glossonline.com.br).

    We would love to publish a note about Passive Aggressive Notes

    For this purpose, could you please send me some high resolution images?

    Thank you very much.
    Kind regards,

    Borba.
    Photo
    Gloss Magazine

    Jun 26, 2009 at 4:50 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #25.1   Sirius¤ bang

      I believe Claw has just the images you’re looking for. I forget, does Brazil have an extradition treaty?

      Jun 26, 2009 at 5:51 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.2   TheOldSchool

      Yes.

      http://www.oas.org/juridico/mla/en/traites/en_traites-ext-usa-bra.pdf

      Jun 26, 2009 at 10:27 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.3   Sirius¤ bang

      *suspects TOS has several extradition links bookmarked in his favorites, “just in case”*

      Jun 27, 2009 at 12:59 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.4   TheOldSchool

      Reminds me those Sondheim lyrics from West Side Story:

      “There’s a place for us.”

      Bhutan
      Botswana
      Brunei
      Burkina Faso
      Burundi
      Cambodia
      Cameroon
      Cape Verde
      Central African Republic
      Chad
      China
      Comoros
      Congo (Dem. Republic of)
      Djibouti
      Equatorial Guinea
      Ethiopia
      Gabon
      Guinea
      Guinea Bissau
      Indonesia
      Iran
      Ivory Coast
      Jordan
      Kuwait
      Laos
      Lebanon
      Libya
      Madagascar
      Mali
      Maldives
      Mauritania
      Mongolia
      Morocco
      Mozambique
      Nepal
      Niger
      Oman
      Philippines
      Qatar
      Rwanda
      Samoa
      Sao Tome e Principe
      Saudi Arabia
      Senegal
      Somalia
      Sudan
      Syria
      Togo
      Tunisia
      Uganda
      Russia
      United Arab Emirates
      Vanuatu
      Vietnam
      Yemen

      Jun 27, 2009 at 1:53 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.5   Sirius¤ bang

      What, no Vatican City?

      Jun 27, 2009 at 2:39 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #26   Feh

    Has LaTonya ever stopped to consider that the lunch theft might just have something to do with her being a whiny attention whore with an over-inflated sense of entitlement?

    I know that after getting an email like that, I would make a point of stealing her lunch as often as possible, and I’m not prone to theft of any kind. Her bitchiness isn’t going to help her lunch be any safer.

    Jun 26, 2009 at 10:36 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

     
  • #27   Canthz_B bang

    LaTonya, got milk?

    Jun 26, 2009 at 11:02 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #27.1   Canaduck

      Or kale, or chard, or broccoli, or tahini or beans!

      Come ON, LaTonya, MAKE SOME EFFORT HERE.

      Jun 26, 2009 at 11:10 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #28   Canaduck

    Um ew, like your kid needs freaking strawberry cheesecake yogurt. Way to start it off on the wrong foot.

    Jun 26, 2009 at 11:04 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #28.1   susannie

      Hehe, indeed. I didn’t even know they made strawberry cheeseCAKE yoghurts. What’s next? Tiramisu yoghurt? Three layer wedding cake yoghurt?

      Jun 27, 2009 at 5:46 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #28.2   park rose bang

      @ Canaduck: Commonly called a breech birth.

      Jun 28, 2009 at 9:22 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #29   VagabondClown

    I have to admit, I once left a passive-aggressive note on the work fridge when someone stole my lunch while I was pregnant.

    Had a better reason, though – I had gestational diabetes, and therefore had to eat certain things. I couldn’t run out and grab a burger in lieu of what I had brought for lunch.

    On top of being pregnant at the time, I also get VERY ILL when I don’t eat. That happens always, not just during those 40 weeks. So not eating is a big issue for me. Again, I couldn’t just go out and grab something. It had to be specific. I was left hungry and very ill that day.

    I agree – that email about one yogurt is excessive, and her thinking that that one thing would cover all her necessary calcium in one day was moronic. But on the other hand, I can kind of sympathize with her anger at it.

    *Shrug* Just sayin’.

    Jun 27, 2009 at 11:31 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #29.1   Mango

      Hmm, you have a point there – however, the email gives the impression that the calcium was for her baby, and not herself (as gestational diabetes affects the mother i believe?).
      If she did have diabetes though, she could have amped up the guilt factor in the email…”Would you like extra guilt with that?”
      I know I would have :D

      Jun 28, 2009 at 6:32 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.2   VagabondClown

      Well yeah. It doesn’t sound like it was for any particular nutritional reason, other than the calcium thing. I think if she *had* said something about a particular dietary requirement, it wouldn’t have ended up with her being the one getting bashed. At least, not as much.

      As an aside, gestational diabetes does affect the baby, as well. It gets too much sugar into them, which can affect their size (make them much bigger – my daughter was 8 lb 9 oz) and can up their chances of being obese and diabetic later in life. I had to also take pills, which dropped her sugar to bad levels and caused her to be on an IV drip when she was born (blood sugar was supposed to be 40 at birth – hers was 20). So it *can* affect them, but if it’s caught early and monitored and fought well it shouldn’t be too bad. :)

      Jul 3, 2009 at 7:07 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #30   AnastasiaBeaverhausen

    @VagabondClown:

    Waahhhh! *Shrug*

    Jun 27, 2009 at 12:49 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #31   Bonnie

    I wonder if LaTonya made sure she didn’t ingest ANY MORE CALCIUM that day, just to prove her point.

    Jun 27, 2009 at 12:51 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #31.1   MAMARILLA2 bang

      Hey, you got to give her credit for even knowing that dairy has calcium….Round these part, calcium is the stuff that builds up on your faucets and fixtures and you don’t want no part of that.

      Jun 27, 2009 at 2:19 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #32   Sheila

    hurp derp

    Jun 27, 2009 at 4:40 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #33   Canthz_B bang

    Why did she send this to everyone?
    She has to know it was Shaneequa. Laqueeta, Sha’qwanna and Takeesha are her girls, and Meagan wouldn’t dare!

    Jun 27, 2009 at 6:37 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #34   Canthz_B bang

    Receiving strawberry cheesecake yogurt in utero is the main reason babies refuse to eat Gerber strained peas.
    Looks like someone is just trying to do LaTonya a favor in the long-run.

    Jun 27, 2009 at 9:48 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #35   GK bang

    “LaTonya”? Looks like one of those names that resulted from bad handwriting on the birth certificate.

    Jun 29, 2009 at 8:15 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

     
  • #36   Luxor

    Oh Noooo! Teh Baybeeeeeeee!
    Meh, preggo people are bad and only get worse once they pop it out.

    Jun 29, 2009 at 3:49 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #37   luna

    …now her baby will have no bones. tragic, really.

    Jun 30, 2009 at 1:35 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #38   Sean

    I shall counter her email with one of the most immortal passive-aggressive advertisements of late.

    ‘Wow, you don’t care what the kids eat huh? That has high-fructose corn syrup in it.’

    Jul 5, 2009 at 11:11 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #39   Sherry

    Wow. Not to defend the food thief, because I’m as anti having my lunch stolen as the next person…

    But am I to really believe that this woman only gets one serving of calcium per day? That she’s not going to get anymore calcium for the rest of the day? Mayhap she has other dietary issues that need to be dealt with.

    Jul 10, 2009 at 1:20 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     

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