This (long-overdue) all-staff e-mail is like a fetus-sized version of one of my favorite self-righteous masterpieces. (How this one got buried in my inbox for so long, I have no idea.)
It comes to us courtesy of Jennifer in Chapel Hill, N.C., who notes: “In this instance, ‘local users,’ is everyone in our corporate HQ — including the president, vice presidents, directors, legal counsel, etc., who don’t typically utilize the refrigerator in the staff break room.”
related: it must have been a pretty big bite
extra credit: stfu, parents
90 responses so far ↓
#1
Beth
I’m now picturing a Cheeto in my uterus and how it might have gotten there.
*shudder*
Jun 26, 2009 at 9:42 am rating: 3
#2
Julie
Won’t somebody PLEASE think of the children!?
Jun 26, 2009 at 9:42 am rating: 17
#3
amy d
I guess LaTonya’s punctuation was in that bag as well.
Jun 26, 2009 at 9:44 am rating: 32
#4
CS harmonikah
Pregnant woman are so self important.
From now on, I’m only eating food that i steal from pregnant women. Take that fetuses.
Jun 26, 2009 at 9:50 am rating: 63
#5
Yonkers
… and that beer was my baby’s hops and barley for the day!
Jun 26, 2009 at 10:00 am rating: 49
#6
Joe
Why are we all assuming she’s pregnant? Maybe her “baby” is really 20 years old and still living with her, unable to cut the cord.
Or maybe she regurgitates it for him, like a bird.
Jun 26, 2009 at 10:10 am rating: 54
#7
Eccentric_Lady
Eeew Joe!
Jun 26, 2009 at 10:17 am rating: 1
#8
Colleen in MA
Those exclamation marks were my baby’s punctuation for the day!
Jun 26, 2009 at 10:19 am rating: 33
#9
zenvelo
maybe the food lion ate it!
lion cubs need calcium too.
Jun 26, 2009 at 10:39 am rating: 12
#10
aaa
If we’re going to get into your fetus’ nutrition, is that also its daily dose of high fructose corn syrup? ;D
Jun 26, 2009 at 10:42 am rating: 10
#11
Quite Contrary
is it just my experience or all AP clerks this self-righteous?
Jun 26, 2009 at 10:43 am rating: 3
#12
Devika
I wish we had Food Lion in Brooklyn. I look forward to a trip there whenever I visit my grandparents in Tennessee.
Jun 26, 2009 at 10:47 am rating: 1
#13
crackjob
That was my baby’s acidophilus and bifidus for the day, you monsters!
Jun 26, 2009 at 11:01 am rating: 6
#14
claw71
LaTonya, generally speaking the typical container of yogurt only has about 20% of the calcium you need for the day. Unless somebody swiped a six pack of those things, I suggest you schedule an appointment with your OB/GYN and ask for the lecture on the importance of prenatal vitamins.
Jun 26, 2009 at 11:08 am rating: 54
#15
Ross
You tell ‘em, TheTonya!
Jun 26, 2009 at 11:13 am rating: 17
#16
oi!
oh please do not breath. Don’t you know I am pregnant? Do you know how much amount of CO2 you exhale you big fat chubby non pregnant (totally worthless) thing(yes guys too)? You are making this world living hell for future generations you selfish dummy!!
and if any GUY dares to say anything to me, well first walk in my shoes alright?
Yeah that’s what I thought.
Jun 26, 2009 at 11:48 am rating: 12
#17
JoelWhy
Strawberry cheesecake yogurt? Sounds less like your baby’s ‘calcium’, and more like your baby’s introduction to adolescent-onset diabetes.
Jun 26, 2009 at 11:55 am rating: 47
#18
GhostWriter
She was right to include the President in her email rant. Obama is a huge Strawberry Cheesecake yogurt fan.
Jun 26, 2009 at 12:02 pm rating: 26
#19
xs
How can LaTonya write this and expect her baby shower to be any good?! There goes your $900 Orbit Baby Infant System out the window You are Welcome!
Jun 26, 2009 at 12:28 pm rating: 10
#20
Mark
That girl needs a new name. She gonna name the kid LaCalcium? Or maybe, The Yoghurt?
Jun 26, 2009 at 12:46 pm rating: 4
#21
V-
Nm… I type too slow today
Jun 26, 2009 at 1:07 pm rating: 1
#22
Girl Friday
It looks as if she wanted to say more but decided against it.
That was your baby’s calcium…and???
Next time go big or go home.
Jun 26, 2009 at 1:17 pm rating: 9
#23
situational lefty
I’m going to become pregnant so I can use guilt trips to get my point across more effectively.
“Thanks for driving slow in the left lane, now it’s going to take my baby 10 extra minutes to get home.”
“Thanks for cancelling my flight, do you know how long my baby has waited to go to Florida?”
“Thanks for taking up two parking spots, now my baby is going to have to walk even farther to get to the store.”
God, being pregnant would be awesome…
Jun 26, 2009 at 2:52 pm rating: 37
#24
thirty six red
I’m feeling passive today – Meh. That is all.
Jun 26, 2009 at 2:52 pm rating: 2
#25
Thiago Borba
Hello,
I work for the brazilian magazine GLOSS (www.glossonline.com.br).
We would love to publish a note about Passive Aggressive Notes
For this purpose, could you please send me some high resolution images?
Thank you very much.
Kind regards,
Borba.
Photo
Gloss Magazine
Jun 26, 2009 at 4:50 pm rating: 2
#26
Feh
Has LaTonya ever stopped to consider that the lunch theft might just have something to do with her being a whiny attention whore with an over-inflated sense of entitlement?
I know that after getting an email like that, I would make a point of stealing her lunch as often as possible, and I’m not prone to theft of any kind. Her bitchiness isn’t going to help her lunch be any safer.
Jun 26, 2009 at 10:36 pm rating: 14
#27
Canthz_B
LaTonya, got milk?
Jun 26, 2009 at 11:02 pm rating: 6
#28
Canaduck
Um ew, like your kid needs freaking strawberry cheesecake yogurt. Way to start it off on the wrong foot.
Jun 26, 2009 at 11:04 pm rating: 5
#29
VagabondClown
I have to admit, I once left a passive-aggressive note on the work fridge when someone stole my lunch while I was pregnant.
Had a better reason, though – I had gestational diabetes, and therefore had to eat certain things. I couldn’t run out and grab a burger in lieu of what I had brought for lunch.
On top of being pregnant at the time, I also get VERY ILL when I don’t eat. That happens always, not just during those 40 weeks. So not eating is a big issue for me. Again, I couldn’t just go out and grab something. It had to be specific. I was left hungry and very ill that day.
I agree – that email about one yogurt is excessive, and her thinking that that one thing would cover all her necessary calcium in one day was moronic. But on the other hand, I can kind of sympathize with her anger at it.
*Shrug* Just sayin’.
Jun 27, 2009 at 11:31 am rating: 7
#30
AnastasiaBeaverhausen
@VagabondClown:
Waahhhh! *Shrug*
Jun 27, 2009 at 12:49 pm rating: 3
#31
Bonnie
I wonder if LaTonya made sure she didn’t ingest ANY MORE CALCIUM that day, just to prove her point.
Jun 27, 2009 at 12:51 pm rating: 9
#32
Sheila
hurp derp
Jun 27, 2009 at 4:40 pm rating: 2
#33
Canthz_B
Why did she send this to everyone?
She has to know it was Shaneequa. Laqueeta, Sha’qwanna and Takeesha are her girls, and Meagan wouldn’t dare!
Jun 27, 2009 at 6:37 pm rating: 6
#34
Canthz_B
Receiving strawberry cheesecake yogurt in utero is the main reason babies refuse to eat Gerber strained peas.
Looks like someone is just trying to do LaTonya a favor in the long-run.
Jun 27, 2009 at 9:48 pm rating: 4
#35
GK
“LaTonya”? Looks like one of those names that resulted from bad handwriting on the birth certificate.
Jun 29, 2009 at 8:15 am rating: 7
#36
Luxor
Oh Noooo! Teh Baybeeeeeeee!
Meh, preggo people are bad and only get worse once they pop it out.
Jun 29, 2009 at 3:49 pm rating: 0
#37
luna
…now her baby will have no bones. tragic, really.
Jun 30, 2009 at 1:35 pm rating: 2
#38
Sean
I shall counter her email with one of the most immortal passive-aggressive advertisements of late.
‘Wow, you don’t care what the kids eat huh? That has high-fructose corn syrup in it.’
Jul 5, 2009 at 11:11 pm rating: 2
#39
Sherry
Wow. Not to defend the food thief, because I’m as anti having my lunch stolen as the next person…
But am I to really believe that this woman only gets one serving of calcium per day? That she’s not going to get anymore calcium for the rest of the day? Mayhap she has other dietary issues that need to be dealt with.
Jul 10, 2009 at 1:20 pm rating: 1
Comments are Closed