One can only hope you won’t be giving the wedding toast

June 28th, 2009 · 85 comments

At a recent wedding that Allison in Ealeigh, N.C. attended, the bride asked that, instead of signing a guestbook, wedding guests write their wishes for the couple on fabric squares that would later be made into a memory quilt. When Allison saw this one sitting on top, she couldn’t resist snapping a photo.

One can only hope you saved yourself for your wedding night

related: Taboo, the game of unsolicited douchebaggery

FILED UNDER: love & marriage · North Carolina · sex sex sex · unsolicited feedback


85 responses so far ↓

  • #1   C

    “Technically, yes…but my anus has taken quite the beating!”

    Jun 28, 2009 at 9:15 pm   rating: 208  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   eddy

      Thread over, you win good sir (or madam).

      Jun 28, 2009 at 9:21 pm   rating: 26  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.2   SuperMe

      and i’m done reading the comments for this one. it couldn’t possibly get better. top notch C, top notch.

      Jun 29, 2009 at 2:26 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.3   missjessicabunny bang

      Not to mention her throat… though what more could a good husband want? A virginal wife with a penchant for deepthroat. Win I say!

      Jun 29, 2009 at 10:24 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.4   Snippy

      Yep, “saddlebacking” FTW!

      Jun 29, 2009 at 5:16 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.5   TheOldSchool

      C, There are few things more heart-warming than glimpsing the reddened cheeks of a blushing virgin bride.

      At first I gasped when I read your comment. Something in me seized up and tightened, but then completely relaxed and accepted the brunt of your message thoroughly and without reservation. I can’t thank you enough.

      Jun 29, 2009 at 5:59 pm   rating: 22  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.6   Sirius¤ bang

      Instead of her garter, the bachelor will be throwing his bride’s donut pillow.

      Jun 29, 2009 at 7:28 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.7   NewMoon

      Not that there is anything wrong with that.

      Jun 29, 2009 at 8:56 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.8   Car RamRod

      They deserved this just for having something as gay as a wedding quilt in the first place.

      When I first read it I thought perhaps it was a tasteless joke by an inebriated couple. Then I saw it was in Raleigh, where I unfortunately am living these days. These southerners take their religion shit way too seriously, so it’s quite possible that was a serious hope for the sake of their souls.

      Jul 20, 2009 at 7:49 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   Listy

    OMG amazing

    Jun 28, 2009 at 9:15 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   Listy

      and by “OMG amazing” I meant “Wow, they actually signed their names. Well I guess *technically* that is a wish, but I don’t think that’s what they had in mind when the whole memory quilt idea was conceived.”

      Jun 28, 2009 at 9:18 pm   rating: 25  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.2   Listy

      and when I say “conceived” I do mean to suggest they were having blisteringly hot sex when they thought of it.

      Jun 28, 2009 at 9:20 pm   rating: 21  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.3   notListy

      and when I say blisteringly hot sex, I don’t mean anything performed by two virgins underneath a quilt of wedding day wishes.

      Jun 28, 2009 at 10:46 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.4   G

      How can it have been blisteringly hot sex if there was brainspace for…well, ANYthing else?

      Jun 28, 2009 at 11:02 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.5   A

      The fabric does look a bit thin, but if they make the quilt with enough batting, things could get rather warm, especially if it’s a summer wedding.

      Jun 29, 2009 at 6:49 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.6   Snippy

      Batter up!

      Jun 29, 2009 at 6:10 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.7   fluffy8u

      Oh, and it’s a strike!

      Jun 29, 2009 at 6:47 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.8   NewMoon

      Batter up?
      Butter up!

      Jun 29, 2009 at 9:04 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #3   mamason bang

    Hope springs eternal!

    Jun 28, 2009 at 9:16 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   fluffy8u

      Hope is for sissies.

      Jun 29, 2009 at 5:42 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.2   Canthz_B bang

      Hope was all up in Pandora’s box. :twisted:

      Jun 29, 2009 at 8:25 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   Spike Nesmith

    Is it possible that this is some sort of private joke between the couples that the poster’s not privvy to?

    Jun 28, 2009 at 9:17 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   Beanster bang

      possible, but not that funny.

      Jun 28, 2009 at 9:19 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.2   Wade bang

      Not private any more.

      Jun 28, 2009 at 9:26 pm   rating: 26  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.3   Canthz_B bang

      Is it even appropriate to be thinking about their privates during their nuptials?
      But then “nuptial” is so evocative of “genital”…

      Jun 29, 2009 at 2:25 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.4   Sirius¤ bang

      Nice set o’ nuptials ya got there

      Jun 29, 2009 at 11:05 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.5   Lorelie

      Right, like you’re not constantly trying to get a peek up the bride’s dress, Canthz.

      Jun 30, 2009 at 9:43 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   zombieBlanco bang

    Dear Newlyweds,

    Only one of us can hope you saved yourself for your wedding night, the other hopes you used protection.

    love,
    Jennifer and John

    Jun 28, 2009 at 9:44 pm   rating: 32  small thumbs up

     
  • #6   Woman on the Verge bang

    Dear Newlyweds,

    One can only hope you saved yourself for your wedding night… because the other one of us knows you didn’t.

    love,

    Jennifer and John

    Jun 28, 2009 at 9:50 pm   rating: 73  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   Canthz_B bang

      Dear Newlyweds,

      One can only hope you saved yourself for your wedding night…because the other one of us is about to sue one of you for child support.

      love,

      Jennifer and John

      Jun 29, 2009 at 2:31 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.2   Sigh

      Wow. Not funny AND a rip-off. Quel surprise. Wait, let’s consider the “source”…

      Jun 30, 2009 at 9:28 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #7   xs

    can i get the Hallmark card version of this?

    Jun 28, 2009 at 10:01 pm   rating: 26  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   Bunnee

      I’d like to think a card would read something like this:

      Congrats to you on your wedding day
      Hot, newlywed sex is on its way
      If you “saved” yourself, your spouse will be
      eternally grateful for no VD.

      ;)

      Jun 29, 2009 at 2:10 pm   rating: 21  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.2   Sirius¤ bang

      To the Beautiful Bride from her Dear Friends

      On this special day, we join you two
      As you take your vows, and hold them true.
      You float down the aisle, a vision of grace
      With beauty and love shining from your face.
      You pledge yourself to be a wife
      To be faithful and loving throughout your life.
      And as sure as the stars shine above
      This life will bring you endless love.
      A house and a home; a family dear
      To share with your husband for many years.
      But listen please, to the advice of a friend:
      Someday, sadly, your journey shall end.
      And if you’ve had any sex before,
      You’ll burn in hell, you filthy whore!

      Love, J & J

      Jun 29, 2009 at 5:21 pm   rating: 42  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.3   Bunnee

      Thanks a lot, Sirius. Way to steal my thunder and get more thumbs than me!! ;)

      Jul 1, 2009 at 3:00 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.4   Sirius¤ bang

      Imitation is the sincerest form of me-stealing-your-idea.

      Jul 1, 2009 at 3:34 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #8   Sue Do Nim

    Dear John and Jennifer,

    Thanks for adding a square to our wedding night toilet paper. We saved the proof of my virginity on it. What a memory.

    The Blushing Bride

    Jun 28, 2009 at 10:29 pm   rating: 53  small thumbs up

     
  • #9   G

    Jennifer and John,

    One can only hope you’re not saying that because you’re envious of the potential marital purity. We were particularly shocked to hear about John’s previous work as a for-hire transvestite. We understand why you would hope no one else had to experience that.

    Jun 28, 2009 at 11:28 pm   rating: 28  small thumbs up

     
  • #10   Canaduck

    Wow.

    Some people never miss a chance to proselytize, do they?

    I can imagine John & Jennifer at the grocery store.

    Cashier: Did find everything okay?

    John: Well, I didn’t find condoms–but that’s good, because birth control is against the will of God.

    Cashier: Um, okay. Have a nice day.

    Jennifer: We WILL, because WE saved ourselves for marriage. Have you?

    Cashier: …please leave.

    Jun 28, 2009 at 11:41 pm   rating: 58  small thumbs up

     
  • #11   AuntyBron

    Dear John and Jennifer,
    Don’t be shy – tell us what you really think.

    Jun 28, 2009 at 11:44 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   fluffy8u

      Well in that case, I think Jennifer is a slut who stole my boyfriend… even though I’m in a happy relationship with John.

      <3 Jennifer

      P.S. John has been cheating on you for the past three months with some girl named Ash.

      Jun 29, 2009 at 6:04 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.2   Lorelie

      You stole your own boyfriend? That’s talent.

      Jun 30, 2009 at 9:45 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #12   Cordelia

    Dear Jennifer and John,

    Thanks for proving my father right when he said an open bar would only lead to embarrassing memories of my wedding day.

    -The Blushing Bride

    Jun 28, 2009 at 11:53 pm   rating: 35  small thumbs up

     
  • #13   trish

    I only hope that’s some kind of an inside joke. That’s just beyond PA, and into rude! Who wants to see that on their wedding quilt?

    Jun 29, 2009 at 12:09 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   fluffy8u

      Jennifer and John?

      Jun 29, 2009 at 6:06 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.2   NewMoon

      They saved the inside joke for after the wedding. Surprise! Surprise!

      Jun 29, 2009 at 8:58 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.3   Lorelie

      That square will go on the underside of the quilt, where the backing normally is. The better to wipe up the wet spot.

      Jun 30, 2009 at 9:45 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #14   Vlad the impaler

    One can only hope that God doesn’t punish John and Kate for being insufferable twat wizards.

    Jun 29, 2009 at 12:52 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   Brooser

      I like the phrase “twat wizard”. =)

      Jun 29, 2009 at 2:14 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.2   Canthz_B bang

      That’s too bad. :-(

      Jun 29, 2009 at 2:33 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #15   oi bang

    This is fake.

    Jun 29, 2009 at 1:19 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   fluffy8u

      Too good to be true?

      Jun 29, 2009 at 6:08 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #16   Jocelyn

    My first time here, and how right it feels to finally have found a spot where all of my mom’s emails belong.

    I’m tending to think this quilt square message is some deep sh** giving amongst friends. I was knocked up when I got married, and everyone knew it…and I could totally have seen some of my pals writing this.

    Jun 29, 2009 at 1:20 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   Canthz_B bang

      Yeah, but at least you saved your “self” for marriage! ;-)

      Jun 29, 2009 at 2:35 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.2   Harpdevil

      you could also try http://www.postcardsfromyomomma.com/

      Jun 29, 2009 at 3:24 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.3   Dani

      Jocelyn, you obviously haven’t spent much time around fundamentalists. Their PA-ness in the name of Jesus knows no bounds, and it’s always deadly serious. Praise Christ.

      Jul 17, 2009 at 3:20 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #17   stringyhair

    This honesty is only found when the bride’s father springs for an open bar.

    Jun 29, 2009 at 2:32 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

     
  • #18   Canthz_B bang

    That’s just silly…who gets Baptized on their wedding night?

    Jun 29, 2009 at 2:39 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   Saysh bang

      CB.. you told me that was what the mamba was doing to me last night…

      *Baptizing me*

      Jun 29, 2009 at 3:58 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.2   Canthz_B bang

      Well, you did say you felt born again afterwards! :-P

      Jun 29, 2009 at 4:16 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #19   leftfoot

    Why yes, we have! But the amount of semen in my stomach began to worried my doctor.. Isn’t my hair just gorgeous?

    Jun 29, 2009 at 5:08 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #20   Hawkeye

    One can only hope that John was an ex-boyfriend that never got laid by Allison.

    Jun 29, 2009 at 8:49 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #21   ClearlyDemented

    Knowing that it would be too uncomfortable for the bride and groom to bring up in conversation, the desperate best man planted a silent wedge between the couple and their best friends in which to slide himself in and prevent his inevitable lonliness.

    Jun 29, 2009 at 9:23 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #22   claw71 bang

    Save what for the wedding night? 20 years worth of sexual insecurity and a pesky little hymen that will likely result in blood-stained sheets? No thanks. Give me a dirty little slut who knows what she likes and will do what she doesn’t just because it’s easier to play along.

    Jun 29, 2009 at 9:37 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #22.1   Weaselbaby

      Yeah, I can’t begin to tell you how romantic it is to have to tell the nice lady at the charming little Bahamian bed-&-breakfast that you’re gonna need some new sheets ASAP.

      Cold water is great for removing bloodstains, but still…OVERRATED.

      Jun 30, 2009 at 10:38 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #23   HorribleLicensePlates

    I think some people lose all control of themselves when it comes to weddings. Especially in the manners department.

    Jun 29, 2009 at 9:50 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #23.1   Nix

      Weddings really can bring out the worst in people. I’m getting married in August and the drama and entitlement that I’ve encountered from the guests is pretty mind boggling.

      Jun 29, 2009 at 12:55 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.2   KatieMB

      So, you won’t be asking your guests to provide messages for your wedding memory quilt?

      Jun 29, 2009 at 7:20 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.3   Nix

      lol…no.

      Jun 30, 2009 at 1:59 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #24   N/A

    Most of the people I know didn’t even do the deed on their wedding night, including the one couple that actually did wait till they married. I know we didn’t, who has the energy after a long wedding day?

    Jun 29, 2009 at 12:52 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #24.1   apedant bang

      I know the only one of my close schoolfriends to have got married thus far (also the only one not to engage in premarital sex, no surprise he was first in line) was far too “tired and emotional” by the time he was carried out of the reception. His darling wife on the other hand was still chugging back the Jack at 5.30am.

      Jun 29, 2009 at 6:24 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.2   fluffy8u

      cough,sitzpinkler,cough

      Jun 29, 2009 at 6:46 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.3   Weaselbaby

      If your wedding is so stressful that you don’t have the patience to get busy afterwards, I think you got too caught up in the ceremony to remember the meaning.

      Signed,
      A Nasty Little Weasel Who Got Way Freaky in the Restroom at Her Own Reception (& Would’ve Gotten Freakier, Except Her Father-in-Law Unexpectedly Walked In)

      Jun 30, 2009 at 10:46 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #25   Nix

    Nope, your mom took care of that a while ago, but thanks for playing!

    Jun 29, 2009 at 12:53 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

     
  • #26   aaa

    One can only hope the happy couple’s sex life isn’t as crappy as your’s is, Jennifer and John. :c

    Jun 29, 2009 at 2:15 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #27   Tab

    I just have to jump in and tell a story; I have a friend that yes, technically had sex before marriage, but her husband was the only person she had ever been with. At their wedding, her dress was very non-traditional (cocktail length and covered in layers of white and off-white lace). She was in the receiving line when her brother in law’s girlfriend leaned in and said, “I can’t believe you had the nerve to wear white.”
    My friend’s husband refused to believe she said it, but then we discovered that you can HEAR her saying it on the wedding tape. The thing that shocked me was that the woman who said it is not exactly known for having a “reserved” nature.

    Jun 29, 2009 at 5:25 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #27.1   Snippy

      …Aaaaand we’ll be right back with more boring-but-true stories here on “Close Out My Tab!”

      Jun 29, 2009 at 6:15 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.2   Eva

      ….Aaaaand we’re back with a comment here on “Nobody cares what Snippy has to say!”

      Jun 29, 2009 at 7:56 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #28   the Librarian

    Wow. Regardless of Jennifer and John’s douchebaggery, that’s gonna be one fucking ugly quilt.

    Jun 29, 2009 at 10:38 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

    • #28.1   fluffy8u

      Yeah, and after the honeymoon, everyone who comes over will want to see the quilt. Next thing you know, they’re telling you “it’s so creative!” Which is code for “Well, this came out like crap didn’t it?”

      Jun 29, 2009 at 11:48 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #28.2   Susannie

      Hehe, I agree librarian. Good idea, not so good in rl

      Jun 30, 2009 at 7:10 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #28.3   apedant bang

      Damn you Librarian! Now you’ve said that I keep imagining the sheer social awkwardness of having to pretend I’m interested in their f-ing awful f-ing quilt. Just like their 240 holiday photos from last year! Arggghhhhh!!!!

      I may have drifted from the couple in question to some others I know there.

      Jun 30, 2009 at 1:19 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #29   me1st

    That wedding cake was fucking delicious!

    Jun 30, 2009 at 8:29 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #29.1   and the gimme gimmes

      That wedding fucking was cake delicious!

      Jun 30, 2009 at 9:30 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #30   jason

    Best thing to do now is make the quilt and include that square in it. Then display the quilt to everyone-send them pictures if you have to. The two losers will be shamed by your whole extended circle of friends, even if they don’t feel embarrassed or guilty. Plus, you’re throwing the righteousness back in their faces by publicly demonstrating that you don’t even give a goddamn if they judge you for having sex. They only win if you demonstrate shame.

    Jul 31, 2009 at 2:32 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     

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