Writes our anonymous submitter: “I work in a flower shop, and this guy came in today to have us deliver flowers to his girlfriend. After he wrote the card, he asked us to check to make sure the spelling of ‘anniversary’ was right…even though it was right there on the card!”
Now, as for the message…”but it’s a joke!” you say? Well, to quote Scott Wetzler, a clinical psychologist and author of Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man: “A joke can be the most skillful passive-aggressive act there is.”
related: Really though — carnations?
125 responses so far ↓
#1
Brainsmmm...nevermind
Zach-don’t you realize you won’t get any poon with a note like that?
Although she was probably leaving 1800 flowers ads around the house. So passive-agressively do unto others as you would have others passive-agressively do unto you.
Jul 2, 2009 at 12:21 am rating: +29
#2
zenvelo
not another word about flavors? I guess he didn’t like the mint flavored lube….
Jul 2, 2009 at 12:31 am rating: +7
#3
fluffy8u
Okay, how about if she mentions Rosa x odorata?
Jul 2, 2009 at 12:37 am rating: +1
#4
The Grammarphile
That little note should’ve read something like:
“Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You deserve flowers,
And I’m still a douche.”
(OK, so “blue” and “douche” don’t *exactly* rhyme, but I can’t think of a more accurate word to use here than “douche”…)
Also: Who the hell signs a romantic card with “Yours truly”? Whatever happened to “Love” or “XO”?
Jul 2, 2009 at 12:39 am rating: +30
#5
fluffy8u
A flower, sometimes known as a bloom or blossom, is the reproductive structure found in flowering plants (plants of the division Magnoliophyta, also called angiosperms). The biological function of a flower is to mediate the union of male sperm with female ovum in order to produce seeds. The process begins with pollination, is followed by fertilization, leading to the formation and dispersal of the seeds. For the higher plants, seeds are the next generation, and serve as the primary means by which individuals of a species are dispersed across the landscape. The grouping of flowers on a plant are called the inflorescence.
That’s more than “another d*** word!”
Jul 2, 2009 at 12:40 am rating: +10
#6
gina
Lucky girl.
Jul 2, 2009 at 12:41 am rating: +14
#7
oi
Dearest Zach,
Rest in peace!
I do not want to hear another damn word about being a victim in our relationship.
yours truly,
Caroline
Jul 2, 2009 at 12:51 am rating: +30
#8
tikijeff
So the anonymous submitter had time to snap a photo of this card while Zach was waiting for him/her to do an unneeded spell check? Something smells fishy here…
Jul 2, 2009 at 1:07 am rating: +2
#9
Sue Do Nim
Something smells fishy, alright. I think maybe that’s one of Caroline’s flavors Zach was trying to cover up.
Jul 2, 2009 at 1:26 am rating: +10
#10
Jsmoke
My nomination for the new poet laureate of the United States goes to Zach.
Jul 2, 2009 at 1:40 am rating: +2
#11
RunBarbara
Dear Zach,
I was going to finally give in and invite my two twin stripper girlfriends for a threesome but I realized that you are fucking gay and wouldn’t appreciate it, so I got you this Richard Simmons DVD instead. I don’t want to hear another damn word about it.
Sportingly,
Caroline
Jul 2, 2009 at 1:52 am rating: +53
#12
saffronlee
As Dan Savage would advise also:
dump the motherfucker’s ass!
Jul 2, 2009 at 2:00 am rating: +1
#13
Sarah
I can never imagine what would happen if I was the one at the receiving end. That was one hell message to his girlfriend.
Jul 2, 2009 at 2:45 am rating: +1
#14
TheOldSchool
This was a very revealing note.
A cursory analyses of this gentleman’s handwriting style (particularly the way he writes the letter: r) indicates to me that, when it comes to his interactions with others, Zach isn’t the “eager to please” type.
Furthermore, the way he crosses his t tells me that Zach is the kind of individual who has, what we experts in analytical graphology formally refer to as, “self-imposed limitations about doing shit.”
The boldness of the I is in marked contrast to some of the more tentative strokes on the words that contain more than a single letter. This is indicative of someone who is insecure about his own mastery of spelling.
It is fascinating what your handwriting reveals to me about you. (I.E., your most intimate desires and revealingly lurid secrets.)
Well, I still like you all, anyway. It takes all kinds. Nobody’s even close to perfect. There’s plenty of time to repent (for most of you).
Jul 2, 2009 at 4:39 am rating: +18
#15
anglophile
I don’t know why everyone is picking on Zach. I mean, he went through a lot of work. It’s not like you can just walk into any florist in town (there’s probably only four or five in a square-mile radius of his home or work), tell the floral people your address and have them deliver flowers right to your door!
Oh, wait, you can? And they’ll put it in a vase for you and everything? Somebody I know has some ’splaining to do….
Jul 2, 2009 at 6:20 am rating: +9
#16
damon8r
That reminds me of the new De Beers slogan: “Diamonds… that’ll shut her up.”
Jul 2, 2009 at 6:30 am rating: +42
#17
orangetiki
File under #Alabamalove
Jul 2, 2009 at 6:45 am rating: +1
#18
CS harmonikah
Thats a deal breaker ladies!
Jul 2, 2009 at 8:35 am rating: +8
#19
Shadow Lurker
I hope Zach was as dumb as this card indicates, and ordered her roses…lots of roses…with lots of thorns.
That way, when she throws them at him, he may actually learn something.
Jul 2, 2009 at 8:56 am rating: +5
#20
farcical aquatic ceremony involving drowning Zach's ass...
…but since I agree that Caroline must be a real prize herself, I’m on Team Flowers: the poor, innocent blossoms didn’t deserve the fate of ending up with this toxic twosome.
Jul 2, 2009 at 9:36 am rating: +4
#21
claw71
If by some miracle these two kids stay together I have a sneaking suspicion that Zach’s going to be playing daddy to a couple of kids that aren’t biologoically related to him.
Caroline, if you’re reading this…call me.
Jul 2, 2009 at 9:40 am rating: +8
#22
cam
It makes me cringe when professionals submit customer content. I know that florists don’t have to swear to the hippocratic oath, but still!
Jul 2, 2009 at 9:42 am rating: +5
#23
Neeners
Now in Zach’s defense, we don’t know the whole story on Caroline. She could very well be a high maintenance woman with issues. Zach could be the consummate boyfriend who rubs feet and backs without being asked, cooks and cleans up after himself like a big boy, and also does toilets and litter boxes. He might bend over backwards (which could be fun too) for Caroline while she bitches and whines about how nothing is ever good enough. I’ve seen it before! Zach may have made a romantic dinner and set the mood for the anniversary but forgot one little detail, …the flowers.
If not Caroline should shove the thorny roses up Zach’s bum and make him drink the water.
Jul 2, 2009 at 9:53 am rating: +3
#24
xs
Zach is sooo gangsta.
*swoon*
this is just foreplay!
Jul 2, 2009 at 10:01 am rating: 0
#25
T imo®
♪ Sweet Caroline… Ba ba ba! I hope the delivery man gives you swine flu. ♬
Jul 2, 2009 at 10:19 am rating: +6
#26
Mishee™
Poor Zach was never seen or heard from again, yet Caroline’s new rose bush in the backyard was thriving!
It must be the compost.
Jul 2, 2009 at 10:38 am rating: +20
#27
Woman on the Verge
The first card said:
Dear Caroline,
Here’s the damn flowers you asked for. Thanks for reminding me repeatedly that you wanted them – they cost a helluva lot less than that diamond I was going to buy.
Yours untruly,
Zach
Jul 2, 2009 at 11:31 am rating: +4
#28
xs
the sad truth is, Zach just had the card delivered, not any damn flowers.
Jul 2, 2009 at 12:06 pm rating: +10
#29
farcical aquatic ceremony involving 'taking care of' Caroline...
I just can’t get my head around Zach laying down so much green to basically say “Happy Anniversary! Please fuck off and die.” Hiring a hit man* with that money would have sent the message a lot more clearly.
*note: sure, your pro hit men might expect at least a c-note, but his $60 bucks would’ve gotten him at least an apprentice hit man or some hit man summer intern…
Jul 2, 2009 at 1:05 pm rating: +3
#30
aaa
Is it just me, or does anyone else think Zach’s trying to get Caroline to dump him so the inevitable breakup won’t be “his fault”?
Jul 2, 2009 at 2:19 pm rating: +10
#31
Snippy
What’s that old saying? “Love means never having to say you’re sick and tired of hearing about flowers.”
Jul 2, 2009 at 2:26 pm rating: +5
#32
GhostWriter
Direct from Vulgaria, it’s Jeremy and Jemima Potts!
Truly Zach,
It’s Truly, Truly Zach.
‘zachtly as you’d surely think he’d be.
When he bitches,
He’s truly viscous,
So unruly, he’ll destroy their Annivers’ry
Truly Zach
Yours Truly, Truly Zach
Never, never, never could relate
His Caroline answers cooly,
“Your rudeness doesn’t fool me;
Now then- bake me a cake!”
Jul 2, 2009 at 3:22 pm rating: +3
#33
fluffy8u
Bang, zoom, straight to the moon, Caroline!
Jul 2, 2009 at 6:42 pm rating: +1
#34
Duncan
Dear Caroline,
I’m buying you flowers in light of your repeated and insistent demands that I do so, but I wish you to know that I thoroughly resent the fact you have bought into this frankly reprehensible custom of modern life. I find it both frustrating and deeply hurtful that you would wish me to expend our limited financial resources, which could otherwise go towards shared experiences we might have together or be invested so as to pay for our retirement or for the education of our future children (just to let you know babes, in passing, as it were, I’m in this for the long haul), on a token of cropped greenery which has been robbed of its vitality only that it might serve as some wilting and decaying macabre monument to our conspicious consumption; a celebration of all the darker impulses of our consumptive race and which I would not, were the choice my own, choose to associate with the purity of the bond we share. There is not brass enough in all the tongues of men and angels for me to rend in word or deed the great affection that I bear you, and it is a wound upon my very soul that you would imagine this low and ubiquitous sort social currency could stand symbol for my love for you, my Caroline.
P.S. – Plus the florist is a good mile out of my way home from work. Be /reasonable/ woman!
Jul 2, 2009 at 9:56 pm rating: +8
#35
Madison
I was just about to make a comment that was from my heart and somewhat insightful- and then I realized what website I was on.
So I will revise my comment to say-
Zach, thanks for the flowers and you will not get any pussy from me tonight.
Yours truly,
Caroline
Jul 2, 2009 at 10:06 pm rating: +2
#36
green mamba
You all forgot the distinct possibility that Caroline is the dom and Zach is the sub. Mistress Caroline will receive these dead tokens of passive-aggressive affection at her office (which is, of course, on the 43rd floor of a downtown building), delivered directly to her by some minion hoping not to incur her wrath. She’ll read the card, smile at his audacity, become aroused, and beat the holy hell out of him with the flowers when she gets home. This is, of course, what Zach planned and hoped would happen. Both Zach and Caroline spend the rest of the afternoon at work fantasizing about the glorious beating he will receive that night for his insolence.
I find it all terribly romantic.
Jul 3, 2009 at 10:59 am rating: +4
#37
LLnL
How romantic?
Jul 3, 2009 at 12:39 pm rating: 0
#38
Zach
So, this is weird. I’m Zach and my girlfriend Caroline and I just celebrated our 2nd anniversary yesterday and my friend came across this today.
I mean, bizarre, right?
Jul 3, 2009 at 11:13 pm rating: +1
#39
Breccia
Mmm. I suspect the whole “check my spelling” thing was another sort of passive-aggressive way to get the florist to comment on his note.
Because, frankly, if he was worried about the word Anniversary, he shouldn’t have been. Since it’s written right on the card itself, about half an inch or so above where he wrote it.
He just wanted a reaction from the submitter. I don’t think I like him very much. This, alone, shows he’s a bit of a jerk. I feel sorry for Caroline.
Jul 4, 2009 at 2:33 pm rating: +1
#40
TheOldSchool
SAFETY ADVICE FOR WOMEN ON THE FOURTH:
Ladies, when you’re undressing in your bedrooms tonight, remember to leave the drapes open. This way, should you suffer a heart attack or stroke, there’s a good chance that some safety-conscious gentleman will be observing you through binoculars, and he’ll be able to summon the appropriate rescuing agency.
SAVE A LIFE — LEAVE ‘EM OPEN! (SALLEO)
Jul 4, 2009 at 2:55 pm rating: +1
#41
heavensburden
Sadly – If my husband sent me this note with cards. I’d laugh. Then again we both have a twisted sense of humor…
Jul 22, 2009 at 1:51 am rating: +1
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