Yours truly? Yours goddamn truly?

July 1st, 2009 · 126 comments

Writes our anonymous submitter: “I work in a flower shop, and this guy came in today to have us deliver flowers to his girlfriend. After he wrote the card, he asked us to check to make sure the spelling of ‘anniversary’ was right…even though it was right there on the card!”

Now, as for the message…”but it’s a joke!” you say? Well, to quote Scott Wetzler, a clinical psychologist and author of Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man: “A joke can be the most skillful passive-aggressive act there is.”

Dearest Caroline, Happy Anniversary! I don't want to hear another damn word about flowers. Yours truly, Zach

related: Really though — carnations?

FILED UNDER: flowers, trees, houseplants & gardens · love & marriage


126 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Brainsmmm...nevermind

    Zach-don’t you realize you won’t get any poon with a note like that?

    Although she was probably leaving 1800 flowers ads around the house. So passive-agressively do unto others as you would have others passive-agressively do unto you.

    Jul 2, 2009 at 12:21 am   rating: 38  small thumbs up

     
  • #2   zenvelo

    not another word about flavors? I guess he didn’t like the mint flavored lube….

    Jul 2, 2009 at 12:31 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   pry

      dear zach,

      i don’t want to hear another word about blow jobs.

      Jul 2, 2009 at 10:49 am   rating: 115  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #3   fluffy8u

    Okay, how about if she mentions Rosa x odorata?

    Jul 2, 2009 at 12:37 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #4   The Grammarphile

    That little note should’ve read something like:

    “Roses are red,
    Violets are blue,
    You deserve flowers,
    And I’m still a douche.”

    (OK, so “blue” and “douche” don’t *exactly* rhyme, but I can’t think of a more accurate word to use here than “douche”…)

    Also: Who the hell signs a romantic card with “Yours truly”? Whatever happened to “Love” or “XO”?

    Jul 2, 2009 at 12:39 am   rating: 44  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   AuntyBron

      Given what he really wrote, he would probably think your verse was Shakespeare.

      Jul 2, 2009 at 12:47 am   rating: 17  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.2   fluffy8u

      No, he’d think that that was the guy who wrote “Star Wars.”

      Jul 2, 2009 at 12:49 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.3   CS harmonikah

      I’ve never understood “yours truly” either.
      Is it like the opposite of “yours completely lying my ass off” or does it mean “it’s truly me- not someone impersonating me”?

      And would either make it “myself truly” or “I truly”?

      Jul 2, 2009 at 9:16 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.4   octavius

      Yes, “yours truly” instead of “love” suggests this relationship has flatlined.

      How about some Francais romance;

      Violets are blue
      Roses are rouge
      Here are some flowers
      From a big douche.

      Jul 2, 2009 at 12:08 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.5   missjessicabunny bang

      Roses are red
      Violets are blue
      Dumping you, Douchebag
      Is long overdue

      Jul 2, 2009 at 2:14 pm   rating: 50  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.6   aaa

      Zach’s just trying to keep it nice and formal. Which once again reminds me of King of the Hill, in a scene where Hank waxes poetic about when he first fell in love with Peggy.

      HANK: I’ll never forget that first handshake.

      Jul 2, 2009 at 2:16 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   fluffy8u

    A flower, sometimes known as a bloom or blossom, is the reproductive structure found in flowering plants (plants of the division Magnoliophyta, also called angiosperms). The biological function of a flower is to mediate the union of male sperm with female ovum in order to produce seeds. The process begins with pollination, is followed by fertilization, leading to the formation and dispersal of the seeds. For the higher plants, seeds are the next generation, and serve as the primary means by which individuals of a species are dispersed across the landscape. The grouping of flowers on a plant are called the inflorescence.

    That’s more than “another d*** word!”

    Jul 2, 2009 at 12:40 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   AuntyBron

      I’m thinking Caroline ain’t gonna be “flowering” for Zach any time soon.

      Jul 2, 2009 at 12:48 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.2   ryanmalloy

      “Defloration” is derived from “flora” (=flower), too, right?

      Your loss, Zach!

      Jul 2, 2009 at 1:10 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   gina

    Lucky girl.

    Jul 2, 2009 at 12:41 am   rating: 17  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   fluffy8u

      I know, she’s got a real winner.

      Jul 2, 2009 at 12:45 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.2   AuntyBron

      Who signs an anniversary card with “yours truly” ?

      Jul 2, 2009 at 12:49 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.3   AuntyBron

      Oops! Sorry Grammy, I was so taken by your poetry I didn’t finish reading your post.

      Jul 2, 2009 at 12:51 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.4   KatieMB

      She doesn’t seem like much of a prize if she was bugging the crap out of him for flowers. Esp if she thinks flowers are proof of his love.

      Actually, sounds like they’re perfect for each other! ;)

      Jul 2, 2009 at 6:23 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.5   Snippy

      KMB, if Caroline had ESP, she would have already known he didn’t want to buy her any flowers.

      Jul 2, 2009 at 2:00 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.6   KatieMB

      Snippy if you have ESP you’d know what I’m thinking right now…

      Jul 2, 2009 at 5:44 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.7   Snippy

      Yes… yessssss… I’m getting those two words clearly… but I cannot oblige you, as I’m not a cannibal.

      Jul 2, 2009 at 5:54 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.8   KatieMB

      Ok well then just send me flowers.

      Jul 2, 2009 at 5:57 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.9   Snippy

      What, and have everyone think I’m posey-whipped?!?

      Jul 2, 2009 at 6:03 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.10   KatieMB

      You know I like tulips.

      Jul 2, 2009 at 7:56 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.11   Snippy

      …working nimbly.

      Jul 2, 2009 at 8:10 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.12   KatieMB

      I think you missed a spot.

      Jul 2, 2009 at 8:49 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #7   oi bang

    Dearest Zach,
    Rest in peace!
    I do not want to hear another damn word about being a victim in our relationship.
    yours truly,
    Caroline

    Jul 2, 2009 at 12:51 am   rating: 36  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   KatieMB

      …and she gently places the flowers Zach her on his grave…

      Jul 5, 2009 at 8:40 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #8   tikijeff

    So the anonymous submitter had time to snap a photo of this card while Zach was waiting for him/her to do an unneeded spell check? Something smells fishy here…

    Jul 2, 2009 at 1:07 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   Will

      the post says they were to be delivered. so presumably after he chose the flowers and wrote the note he, you know, left?

      Jul 2, 2009 at 1:10 am   rating: 22  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.2   park rose

      Was it unneeded? Is it ‘anniversary’ or ‘anniversory’ or annivesory (sorry?) that he’s written. Personally, I think he was aiming for adversary or Adversary.

      After re-doing the card, she might have kept the misspelt card for submission.

      Jul 2, 2009 at 1:13 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #9   Sue Do Nim

    Something smells fishy, alright. I think maybe that’s one of Caroline’s flavors Zach was trying to cover up.

    Jul 2, 2009 at 1:26 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

     
  • #10   Jsmoke bang

    My nomination for the new poet laureate of the United States goes to Zach.

    Jul 2, 2009 at 1:40 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   Snippy

      You can send him all the nominations you want, but don’t expect him to give you any damn flowers.

      Jul 2, 2009 at 2:03 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.2   missjessicabunny bang

      Or if he does, he won’t let you mention it again…

      Jul 2, 2009 at 2:15 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #11   RunBarbara bang

    Dear Zach,

    I was going to finally give in and invite my two twin stripper girlfriends for a threesome but I realized that you are fucking gay and wouldn’t appreciate it, so I got you this Richard Simmons DVD instead. I don’t want to hear another damn word about it.

    Sportingly,

    Caroline

    Jul 2, 2009 at 1:52 am   rating: 61  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   Saysh bang

      Wouldn’t that be a foursome? Or would Caroline or Zach not be included as well?

      Jul 2, 2009 at 6:34 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.2   Local Honey

      RunBarbara is a genius @ making me laugh!

      Jul 2, 2009 at 1:19 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.3   AuntyBron

      If Zach was gay he probably would need to be reminded to get flowers.

      Jul 3, 2009 at 1:13 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #12   saffronlee

    As Dan Savage would advise also:

    dump the motherfucker’s ass!

    Jul 2, 2009 at 2:00 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   Kelly

      DMTA = dump the motherfucker already.

      Jul 2, 2009 at 7:54 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.2   Kelly

      And, wow, I’m being pedantic about a Dan Savage neologism. It’s going to be a rough day, I think.

      Jul 2, 2009 at 7:55 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.3   Kelly

      And EVEN MORE WOW, I now see that I typo’d… that should be DTMA.

      Jul 2, 2009 at 9:34 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.4   anglophile bang

      I had the same urge to correct, Kelly, but got interrupted before I could do so, if it makes you feel any better.

      Jul 2, 2009 at 2:31 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.5   Kelly

      It’s possible that we read way too much Dan Savage, anglophile. It’s my substitute for an actual sex life.

      Jul 2, 2009 at 3:22 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.6   anglophile bang

      Is there such a thing as too much Savage? Not sure, and, being a single childless lady of advanced age who knits and owns multiple cats, you can pretty much guess at my sex life.

      Jul 2, 2009 at 4:50 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.7   Snippy

      I’ll bet you’d get lots of propositions if more people knew that you can knit multiple cats!

      Jul 2, 2009 at 5:56 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.8   anglophile bang

      You’d think so, Snippy, wouldn’t you? But the last man I showed my collection to couldn’t get out of the house fast enough. And I have a few made with hand-spun yarn besides. I’ll just have to hold out for a man who can appreciate a woman of my talents.

      Jul 2, 2009 at 6:04 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.9   RunBarbara bang

      a woman of your talents is typically shown appreciation in crisp dollar bills and “featured entertainer” titles, glo.

      Jul 2, 2009 at 6:09 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.10   anglophile bang

      I know, RB, but puppet shows are a terrible way to meet men, and the pay is shit, too.

      Jul 2, 2009 at 6:16 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.11   RunBarbara bang

      i thought all men loved a women who could stick her hand up a wizard, a princess and a goat at the same time.

      Jul 2, 2009 at 6:17 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.12   Snippy

      Great, RB, now you’ve gone and perpetuated the notion that women are manipulative.

      Jul 2, 2009 at 6:47 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.13   Snippy

      Also, that’s a different description of the “Shocker” than I’ve heard before.

      Jul 2, 2009 at 6:48 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.14   AuntyBron

      Well, I’m in awe. You sure set the bar high for the rest of us, Anglo.

      Jul 3, 2009 at 1:16 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.15   DearJane

      easy solution: knit yourself a man. Put him in any position you want, you have full control of the remote, and you don’t hear him whining about his team losing! As you can squirt him with liquid soap and wash dishes with him.

      Jul 3, 2009 at 7:21 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #13   Sarah

    I can never imagine what would happen if I was the one at the receiving end. That was one hell message to his girlfriend.

    Jul 2, 2009 at 2:45 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   Susannie

      I thought it was rather funny :)

      But I am beginning to doubt the honesty of people who work in flower shops…

      Jul 2, 2009 at 2:59 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.2   CS harmonikah

      Yeah….I think it’s one thing to have a good sense of humor and be able to make jokes like that with a girlfriend (i generally try, to varying degrees of success) but on the card seems kinda messed up.
      Let her enjoy the flowers for a second before you bring her down with a snarky remark. Especially for an anniversary, it’s not like this clown is getting them just to be generous.

      Jul 2, 2009 at 8:49 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.3   CS harmonikah

      The card could as easily said:
      Fuck you Caroline, I’m putting in the minimal effort in this relationship and resenting every bit of it. Deal with it.
      Zach

      Jul 2, 2009 at 8:51 am   rating: 55  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.4   Saysh bang

      Wow CS.. I think you just captured the pure essence of my current relationship.

      Maybe Zach really is MY guy? Hmmm…. Thing to think about.

      Jul 2, 2009 at 2:30 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #14   TheOldSchool

    This was a very revealing note.

    A cursory analyses of this gentleman’s handwriting style (particularly the way he writes the letter: r) indicates to me that, when it comes to his interactions with others, Zach isn’t the “eager to please” type.

    Furthermore, the way he crosses his t tells me that Zach is the kind of individual who has, what we experts in analytical graphology formally refer to as, “self-imposed limitations about doing shit.”

    The boldness of the I is in marked contrast to some of the more tentative strokes on the words that contain more than a single letter. This is indicative of someone who is insecure about his own mastery of spelling.

    It is fascinating what your handwriting reveals to me about you. (I.E., your most intimate desires and revealingly lurid secrets.)

    Well, I still like you all, anyway. It takes all kinds. Nobody’s even close to perfect. There’s plenty of time to repent (for most of you).

    Jul 2, 2009 at 4:39 am   rating: 19  small thumbs up

     
  • #15   anglophile bang

    I don’t know why everyone is picking on Zach. I mean, he went through a lot of work. It’s not like you can just walk into any florist in town (there’s probably only four or five in a square-mile radius of his home or work), tell the floral people your address and have them deliver flowers right to your door!

    Oh, wait, you can? And they’ll put it in a vase for you and everything? Somebody I know has some ‘splaining to do….

    Jul 2, 2009 at 6:20 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

     
  • #16   damon8r

    That reminds me of the new De Beers slogan: “Diamonds… that’ll shut her up.”

    Jul 2, 2009 at 6:30 am   rating: 49  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   Mark bang

      Diamonds — she’ll pretty much have to.

      Family Guy FTW!

      Jul 2, 2009 at 10:48 am   rating: 27  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #17   orangetiki

    File under #Alabamalove

    Jul 2, 2009 at 6:45 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #18   CS harmonikah

    Thats a deal breaker ladies!

    Jul 2, 2009 at 8:35 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

     
  • #19   Shadow Lurker

    I hope Zach was as dumb as this card indicates, and ordered her roses…lots of roses…with lots of thorns.

    That way, when she throws them at him, he may actually learn something.

    Jul 2, 2009 at 8:56 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #20   farcical aquatic ceremony involving drowning Zach's ass...

    …but since I agree that Caroline must be a real prize herself, I’m on Team Flowers: the poor, innocent blossoms didn’t deserve the fate of ending up with this toxic twosome.

    Jul 2, 2009 at 9:36 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #20.1   missjessicabunny bang

      Giving flowers really is a mixed message anyway, giving someone you love a present that will only weep and die. Women used to hold flowers to as they walked down the aisle to cover the smell as women only bathed once a year, rather than to look pretty, so maybe what Zach is really saying is,

      Dear Caroline,

      You stink. I’m giving you flowers because you stink. Don’t mention it again, or I’ll bring up your unfortunate lack of personal hygiene, and don’t worry about the blow job, I don’t like the smell you leave around my knob anyway.

      Yours truly, (cos I don’t fkn love you)
      Ryan

      Jul 2, 2009 at 2:19 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.2   missjessicabunny bang

      Or rather Zach… where did I get Ryan from? Anyone know an angsty Ryan?

      Jul 2, 2009 at 2:20 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.3   Snippy

      Jessica, please have a little sympathy. The poor dysfunctional bastard just buried Farrah.

      Jul 2, 2009 at 2:30 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.4   anglophile bang

      I know an angsty Ben Ryan, missjessica.

      Jul 2, 2009 at 2:35 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.5   missjessicabunny bang

      Wow… firstly, damn, that’s some arse. Secondly, that guy has issues. Serious issues… I mean well done for all the err… muscles… and… blonde hair, I really did enjoy the gratuitous arse shots, some great shooting skills there, but yeah, farm boy needs help.

      Maybe we should send a message to Loren to stop being such a bitch and just send the poor fucked up boy an email.

      Jul 2, 2009 at 2:45 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.6   AuntyBron

      The flowers are not dying, MissJess – They’re already dead. Cut down in the prime of life. It’s sad, really.

      Jul 3, 2009 at 1:21 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.7   park rose

      True that, Aunty Bron. If only those roses had listened more closely to the poets of the past, and if only they had learnt from past mistakes. I think Owen said it best:

      If you could hear, at every jolt, the blood
      Come gargling from the froth-corrupted buds,
      Obscene as cancer, bitter as the cud
      Of vile, incurable sores on innocent petal-tongues,—
      My friend, you would not tell with such high zest
      To stems ardent for some desperate love story,
      The old Lie: Dulce et decorum est Pro patria mori

      Jul 3, 2009 at 3:17 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.8   JuxtaPoser bang

      Wow, the video guy needs to move on. I wonder exactly how long it’s been since he’s gotten any- did you see what he was doing to his 4Wheeler?

      Jul 4, 2009 at 12:13 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #21   claw71 bang

    If by some miracle these two kids stay together I have a sneaking suspicion that Zach’s going to be playing daddy to a couple of kids that aren’t biologoically related to him.

    Caroline, if you’re reading this…call me.

    Jul 2, 2009 at 9:40 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

     
  • #22   cam

    It makes me cringe when professionals submit customer content. I know that florists don’t have to swear to the hippocratic oath, but still!

    Jul 2, 2009 at 9:42 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #22.1   CS harmonikah

      It makes me afraid of a world where the public could see a card from a set of flowers.

      Next, they’ll be using my Customer Survey cards from Burger King….

      *shivers*

      Jul 2, 2009 at 10:07 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.2   claw71 bang

      cam, somebody making $8.15 an hour working part time in a flower shop is not a professional. Neither is the cashier you chewed out at Walgreens. Check out http://www.notalwaysright.com

      Jul 2, 2009 at 10:40 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.3   susannie

      I agree. But I think the submitter is one passive aggressive duck her self. Who makes a point out of a costumer asking for spelling tips?

      She should be flattered that someone thinks a part time worker who earns $8.15 an hour would even know how to spell :D (ops)

      Jul 2, 2009 at 10:52 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.4   Snippy

      Good spelling skills are not a requirement for designing costumes.

      Jul 2, 2009 at 2:09 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.5   DearJane

      Then cam, you should never NEVER take your cell phone into any store / repair center with ANY incriminating photos or text. Trust me, I used to work in one.

      Jul 3, 2009 at 7:26 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #23   Neeners

    Now in Zach’s defense, we don’t know the whole story on Caroline. She could very well be a high maintenance woman with issues. Zach could be the consummate boyfriend who rubs feet and backs without being asked, cooks and cleans up after himself like a big boy, and also does toilets and litter boxes. He might bend over backwards (which could be fun too) for Caroline while she bitches and whines about how nothing is ever good enough. I’ve seen it before! Zach may have made a romantic dinner and set the mood for the anniversary but forgot one little detail, …the flowers.

    If not Caroline should shove the thorny roses up Zach’s bum and make him drink the water.

    Jul 2, 2009 at 9:53 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #23.1   claw71 bang

      Caroline could be a high maintenance bitch who takes, takes and takes again without ever showing a bit of appreciation. I wouldn’t doubt that for a second, especially with a name like Caroline. What sort of pompous parents name their daughter Caroline? The sort of overfed high society types who groom their daughter for debutant balls, I’d imagine.

      But Zach’s in this relationship by choice. Maybe he’s in it to get a piece of her family’s fortune, perhaps she’s just too damned pretty to resist but he’s subjecting himself to it.

      Strapping on a pair for the split second it takes to purchase a dozen roses doesn’t make you a man and it certainly won’t change a damned thing about Caroline. In fact, she’ll just get a better grip on his tiny little ball sack, give it a quick twist and a tug and snap those huevos right off, tucking them in he Gucci clutch for safekeeping. After a few years of groveling she might take them out and let Zach scratch them, but only if he buys her diamonds with the money her rich daddy is paying him.

      Jul 2, 2009 at 10:36 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #24   xs

    Zach is sooo gangsta.
    *swoon*
    this is just foreplay!

    Jul 2, 2009 at 10:01 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #25   T imo® bang

    Sweet Caroline… Ba ba ba! I hope the delivery man gives you swine flu.

    Jul 2, 2009 at 10:19 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #26   Mishee™ bang

    Poor Zach was never seen or heard from again, yet Caroline’s new rose bush in the backyard was thriving!

    It must be the compost.

    Jul 2, 2009 at 10:38 am   rating: 21  small thumbs up

    • #26.1   xs

      Wait!
      What’s your rush? What’s your hurry?
      You gave me such a –
      Fright, I thought you was a ghost!
      Half a minute, can’tcher sit!
      Sit you down, sit!
      All I meant is that I haven’t seen a customer for weeks!
      Did you come here for a iris, sir?

      Jul 2, 2009 at 1:19 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.2   Snippy

      You need to be tested for Sondheimer’s Disease.

      Jul 2, 2009 at 2:12 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #27   Woman on the Verge bang

    The first card said:

    Dear Caroline,

    Here’s the damn flowers you asked for. Thanks for reminding me repeatedly that you wanted them – they cost a helluva lot less than that diamond I was going to buy.

    Yours untruly,

    Zach

    Jul 2, 2009 at 11:31 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #28   xs

    the sad truth is, Zach just had the card delivered, not any damn flowers.

    Jul 2, 2009 at 12:06 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

     
  • #29   farcical aquatic ceremony involving 'taking care of' Caroline...

    I just can’t get my head around Zach laying down so much green to basically say “Happy Anniversary! Please fuck off and die.” Hiring a hit man* with that money would have sent the message a lot more clearly.

    *note: sure, your pro hit men might expect at least a c-note, but his $60 bucks would’ve gotten him at least an apprentice hit man or some hit man summer intern…

    Jul 2, 2009 at 1:05 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #30   aaa

    Is it just me, or does anyone else think Zach’s trying to get Caroline to dump him so the inevitable breakup won’t be “his fault”?

    Jul 2, 2009 at 2:19 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #30.1   Saysh bang

      I agree. is a typical male ploy. They like to pretend that they are never the bad guy.. but, Caroline will likely keep this little note and copy it to all his future girlfriends, so Zach won’t be able to pull this shit for long…

      Jul 2, 2009 at 2:48 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #30.2   aaa

      Maybe it’ll get sent in with a long missive of Zach-ish douchebaggery to Psychotic Letters from Men someday. *sigh* One can only hope…

      Jul 2, 2009 at 3:36 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #31   Snippy

    What’s that old saying? “Love means never having to say you’re sick and tired of hearing about flowers.”

    Jul 2, 2009 at 2:26 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #32   GhostWriter bang

    Direct from Vulgaria, it’s Jeremy and Jemima Potts!

    Truly Zach,
    It’s Truly, Truly Zach.
    ‘zachtly as you’d surely think he’d be.
    When he bitches,
    He’s truly viscous,
    So unruly, he’ll destroy their Annivers’ry

    Truly Zach
    Yours Truly, Truly Zach
    Never, never, never could relate
    His Caroline answers cooly,
    “Your rudeness doesn’t fool me;
    Now then- bake me a cake!”

    Jul 2, 2009 at 3:22 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #33   fluffy8u

    Bang, zoom, straight to the moon, Caroline!

    Jul 2, 2009 at 6:42 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #34   Duncan

    Dear Caroline,

    I’m buying you flowers in light of your repeated and insistent demands that I do so, but I wish you to know that I thoroughly resent the fact you have bought into this frankly reprehensible custom of modern life. I find it both frustrating and deeply hurtful that you would wish me to expend our limited financial resources, which could otherwise go towards shared experiences we might have together or be invested so as to pay for our retirement or for the education of our future children (just to let you know babes, in passing, as it were, I’m in this for the long haul), on a token of cropped greenery which has been robbed of its vitality only that it might serve as some wilting and decaying macabre monument to our conspicious consumption; a celebration of all the darker impulses of our consumptive race and which I would not, were the choice my own, choose to associate with the purity of the bond we share. There is not brass enough in all the tongues of men and angels for me to rend in word or deed the great affection that I bear you, and it is a wound upon my very soul that you would imagine this low and ubiquitous sort social currency could stand symbol for my love for you, my Caroline.

    P.S. – Plus the florist is a good mile out of my way home from work. Be /reasonable/ woman!

    Jul 2, 2009 at 9:56 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #34.1   Saysh bang

      *clapclapclapclapclap*

      Jul 3, 2009 at 4:54 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #34.2   fluffy8u

      Saysh, stop clapping, you’re making my Clap-On lamp go haywire!

      Jul 3, 2009 at 5:21 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #35   Madison

    I was just about to make a comment that was from my heart and somewhat insightful- and then I realized what website I was on.
    So I will revise my comment to say-

    Zach, thanks for the flowers and you will not get any pussy from me tonight.
    Yours truly,
    Caroline

    Jul 2, 2009 at 10:06 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #36   green mamba

    You all forgot the distinct possibility that Caroline is the dom and Zach is the sub. Mistress Caroline will receive these dead tokens of passive-aggressive affection at her office (which is, of course, on the 43rd floor of a downtown building), delivered directly to her by some minion hoping not to incur her wrath. She’ll read the card, smile at his audacity, become aroused, and beat the holy hell out of him with the flowers when she gets home. This is, of course, what Zach planned and hoped would happen. Both Zach and Caroline spend the rest of the afternoon at work fantasizing about the glorious beating he will receive that night for his insolence.

    I find it all terribly romantic.

    Jul 3, 2009 at 10:59 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #37   LLnL

    How romantic?

    Jul 3, 2009 at 12:39 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #37.1   MAMARILLA2 bang

      Then it is well to assume that the flowers are to be roses. with lots of nice sharp thorns. Not some whimpy daisy or easily broken iris.

      Jul 3, 2009 at 2:53 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #37.2   fluffy8u

      At least their not carnations or Water Hemlock. Did you know that if you swallow the root it can kill you in five hours?! The best part is that it can be added to anything (soups, salads, meatloaf) and achieve the same affect!

      Jul 3, 2009 at 9:56 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #37.3   AuntyBron

      Gosh, Fluffy – you’re channeling the Galloping Gourmet!

      Jul 3, 2009 at 11:41 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #37.4   fluffy8u

      Madame, you could go outside and get run over by a bus and just think what you would have missed!

      Yes, let’s just hope that dearest Zach doesn’t know the secret (but amazing!) killing power of the water hemlock or poor Caroline will… you know… bite the dust, shuffle off this mortal coil, be a hearse pit-stop, meet her maker, put on a pair of concrete galoshes, what have you.

      Jul 4, 2009 at 12:56 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #37.5   MAMARILLA2 bang

      Kick the bucket?
      Sleep with the fishes?

      Jul 4, 2009 at 10:41 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #37.6   T imo® bang

      Take a dirt nap?

      Feed the worms?

      Jul 4, 2009 at 12:55 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #37.7   MAMARILLA2 bang

      Push up some daisys?
      Take a heavenly vacation?

      Jul 4, 2009 at 1:27 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #37.8   KatieMB

      Bought the farm?

      Cashed in your chips?

      Jul 4, 2009 at 1:59 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #37.9   RunBarbara bang

      another one bites the dust…
      popped his clogs….
      promoted to subterranean truffle inspector…
      went tits up…

      (i went tits up once, to a bar in union square. i got kicked out faster than you can say “two olives, please”)

      Jul 4, 2009 at 2:07 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #37.10   MAMARILLA2 bang

      Bit the big one? *snicker*

      Gonna walk those golden streets? *snicker louder*

      Jul 4, 2009 at 2:25 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #37.11   KatieMB

      Got knocked off?

      Got your halo?

      Stopped in at the Last Gasp Saloon?

      You’ve become no longer eligible for the census?

      Jul 4, 2009 at 3:11 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #38   Zach

    So, this is weird. I’m Zach and my girlfriend Caroline and I just celebrated our 2nd anniversary yesterday and my friend came across this today.

    I mean, bizarre, right?

    Jul 3, 2009 at 11:13 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #38.1   JuxtaPoser bang

      That depends- did you remember to buy her flowers?

      Jul 4, 2009 at 12:19 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #38.2   Zach

      I mean, I got her some good stuff. I didn’t get her flowers. Is it possible that there is a bizarro-Zach having a bizarro-relationship with bizarro-Caroline, except this Zach is slightly more of an asshole than me?

      Jul 4, 2009 at 12:22 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #38.3   TheOldSchool

      It is possible Zach. At least you didn’t have a layover in Atlanta that arrived late, so you missed your connection, and you’re spending the night at the Marriott Residence Inn Courtyard North like someone else I know.

      Jul 4, 2009 at 12:51 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #38.4   KatieMB

      Zach @ #38.2 I wonder if there’s a bizarro Jerry, George, Elaine and Kramer in bizarro-Zach’s world…

      Jul 4, 2009 at 12:25 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #39   Breccia

    Mmm. I suspect the whole “check my spelling” thing was another sort of passive-aggressive way to get the florist to comment on his note.

    Because, frankly, if he was worried about the word Anniversary, he shouldn’t have been. Since it’s written right on the card itself, about half an inch or so above where he wrote it.

    He just wanted a reaction from the submitter. I don’t think I like him very much. This, alone, shows he’s a bit of a jerk. I feel sorry for Caroline.

    Jul 4, 2009 at 2:33 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #40   TheOldSchool

    SAFETY ADVICE FOR WOMEN ON THE FOURTH:

    Ladies, when you’re undressing in your bedrooms tonight, remember to leave the drapes open. This way, should you suffer a heart attack or stroke, there’s a good chance that some safety-conscious gentleman will be observing you through binoculars, and he’ll be able to summon the appropriate rescuing agency.

    SAVE A LIFE — LEAVE ‘EM OPEN! (SALLEO)

    Jul 4, 2009 at 2:55 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #41   heavensburden

    Sadly – If my husband sent me this note with cards. I’d laugh. Then again we both have a twisted sense of humor…

    Jul 22, 2009 at 1:51 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #42   This Christmas, give the gift of honesty | PassiveAggressiveNotes.com

    [...]  I don’t want to hear another damn word about flowers. [...]

    Nov 30, 2010 at 6:02 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     

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