Sydney spotted this bizarrely self-satisfied bit of scripture in a friend’s downtown Berkeley apartment building.
Says Sydney: “I personally think the Bible verse adds a nice touch of guilt, but it’s the emoticon smileys that really put the whole thing over the top for me.”
(Also…what exactly has the note-writer been doing while holding those keys ransom for the past month? Formatting footnotes?)
related: What would Jesus do for a Klondike bar?
137 responses so far ↓
#1
Susannie
I would certainly change the lock on my door if I saw that note! Unless I’m busy rejoicing with my neighbours, of course.
Jul 6, 2009 at 9:11 am rating: 90
#2
amy d
Zealots always find a way to bring the conversation back to religion so they can attempt to convert you. That’s why I refuse to talk to them.
Jul 6, 2009 at 9:19 am rating: 90
#3
anglophile
Seriously, girlfriends, if you call me up to tell me you found a quarter in your couch cushions, I am not going to rejoice with you.
Jul 6, 2009 at 9:25 am rating: 90
#4
anglophile
And, now I’m going to be singing Amazing Grace all day.
Great, that’s fucking great.
Jul 6, 2009 at 9:26 am rating: 90
#5
A
For those who don’t want to blow this up to see the footnote, it reads:
Luke 15.8 Greek ten drachmas each worth about a day’s wages.
Personally, I would have expected it to be linked with the consumer price index. “A day’s wages” is just plain lazy.
Jul 6, 2009 at 9:27 am rating: 90
#6
Sesquipedalian
Never mind the DaVinci code, now we know the real truth the Vatican has been hiding: St. Peter, the heavenly key master, lives in Berkeley!
I’m moving there and setting up a nice pilgrimage shrine where the faithful can buy trinkets and indulgences!
Jul 6, 2009 at 9:49 am rating: 90
#7
umlaut
There are about three keys on your keychain.
I can’t quite count them all but, you know, about three keys.
There or thereabouts…
Jul 6, 2009 at 10:00 am rating: 90
#8
Mishee™
I think this person wasn’t planning to give the keys back, but once they saw their neighbors sinning like the devil, they knew they needed an excuse to post scripture in the halls, so just used the keys to open the door… so to speak…
Jul 6, 2009 at 10:14 am rating: 90
#9
Wade
Like cutting off one’s feet or drinking violence
is the sending of a message by the hand of a fool.
–Proverbs 26:6 (no footnote necessary)
Jul 6, 2009 at 10:21 am rating: 90
#10
farcical aquatic ceremony involving 'taking care of' Caroline...
I like how the “necessary?” seems to be pointing only to the bolded section of text, as if the preceding text and footnote weren’t batshit crazy/totally uncalled for, too.
Jul 6, 2009 at 10:33 am rating: 90
#11
trish
I think I’d just make new keys in favor of this person having my email address.
Jul 6, 2009 at 10:34 am rating: 90
#12
mipsy
I still have a set of keys I found 2 years ago.
Jul 6, 2009 at 10:48 am rating: 90
#13
claw71
amy d is right, religiots are always looking for opportunities to stuff religion down your throat. They are neither skilled nor subtle in their approach:
claw71: Man, that Eva Mendez has one fine ass.
Religiot Cousin: I suppose, but you know who else had a really nice ass? JESUS-uh!
The best is when they try to relate scripture to everyday life, but since most religiots rarely read the bible, they piece together different stories:
claw71: Fuck, man, I never thought I was going to get out of the office today. It was just one problem after the other.
Religiot cousin: That reminds me of the story of Jonah. God turned his family into pillars of salt because he used to swear all the time.
claw71: Jonah was inside the whale.
Religiot cousin: No, Abraham was in the whale because he ate the forbidden fruit.
claw71: Abraham was supposed to sacrifice his son, Adam ate the forbidden fruit.
Religiot cousin: No, no, no…Judas sacrificed his son so he could part the Red Sea.
claw71: That was Moses, and he didn’t have to sacrifice his son.
Religiot cousin: No, Moses built the ark. Man, claw71, you really need to get to church. Jesus loves you.
Jul 6, 2009 at 10:53 am rating: 90
#14
Woman on the Verge
Apparently the sign writer has spent the last month combing the bible for an appropriate verse that not only reflects their status as the angel of lost keys, but instills a fear of raving-bible-thumping lunatics into the rest of the tenants.
Jul 6, 2009 at 10:54 am rating: 90
#15
Woman on the Verge
Is the “necessary?” questioning the need to repent if we want to rejoice? The necessity of a bible verse to highlight the return of lost keys? The veracity of religious belief?
This theology shit is really exhausting.
Jul 6, 2009 at 10:59 am rating: 90
#16
RunBarbara
Yet another reason Oakland is better than Berkeley. Passive-aggression doesn’t exist here.
In Oakland, you don’t get smiley faces on notes. People come correct. Notes are stabbed through your door with a pocket knife and set on fire, so you’d better read quickly before someone has to send you a “second reminder”.
Jul 6, 2009 at 11:03 am rating: 90
#17
Sirius¤
The Parable of the Lost Coin was always a pretty weak lesson anyway. You lose 10% of your money, and then find it, and then your neighbors will rejoice? I would just say “that 10% was my tithing to the Lord; let Him find it”.
I prefer the Parable of the Children Eaten by a Bear. My kid brings me a beer when I tell him to, is all I’m sayin’.
Jul 6, 2009 at 11:12 am rating: 90
#18
you suck at craigslist
If you want to be called a saint for finding and returning the keys, just say so.
Jul 6, 2009 at 11:25 am rating: 90
#19
Wade
LONDON (July 6) – The surviving parts of the world’s oldest Bible were reunited online Monday, generating excitement among scholars striving to unlock its mysteries.
Remarkably, the text contains no mention of lost keys.
Jul 6, 2009 at 12:02 pm rating: 90
#20
aaa
Of course it’s necessary! If people didn’t preach at other people, how would anybody know what to believe? :O
Jul 6, 2009 at 12:23 pm rating: 90
#21
situational lefty
Jesus loves you but I’m his favorite! Because I find people’s keys and return them! And I preach the gospel while doing my good deeds! Yay for me!
Jul 6, 2009 at 1:44 pm rating: 90
#22
stickman
Jesus loves keys, this I know,
For the Bible tells me so.
Lost some keys, well them I found,
Email me soon Bible verses will abound.
Yes, Jesus loves me
Yes, Jesus loves keys
Yes, Jesus loves me
Your email tells me so!
Jul 6, 2009 at 1:58 pm rating: 90
#23
Neeners
The keys actually belong to Jesus and he’s a bit pissed that the note writer waited almost a month to post the note that they were found.
The email will read:
Dear Keyfinder,
Keep the keys I have several sets, and please no more amateur hour with the spiritual parables (I saw what you were doing last night.)
Signed, righthandman@yahoo.com
Jul 6, 2009 at 3:27 pm rating: 90
#24
fluffy8u
Rejoice! For the prodigal key shall be returned!
Jul 6, 2009 at 3:40 pm rating: 90
#25
fluffy8u
The Key-Loser should change her locks, because now that the Finder has the keys, he will let himself in and leave little notes all over the place like “Jesus Loves YOU (unless you’re gay)” on the mirror and “Save yourself for marriage, for the Lord commands it!” on the bed.
Jul 6, 2009 at 3:44 pm rating: 90
#26
Lola
I grew up Baptist,* but people like this are part of the reason I’m Episcopalian now. (Being allowed to dance, drink, play cards, and believe in evolution aren’t bad either.)
*Largely unexamined font of mayjah holier-than-thou passive agressiveness, IME.
Jul 6, 2009 at 3:57 pm rating: 90
#27
T imo®
You email this person and then you’re going to have to face the bloody Spanish inquisition to get your keys back.
Jul 6, 2009 at 4:26 pm rating: 90
#28
T imo®
Our two weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency.
Arrggg! …
Jul 6, 2009 at 4:38 pm rating: 90
#29
oi!
so he held on to the keys for a month, right? what, he tried every apartment on the street but keys did not work so the note?
nahiice!
That bible verse totally needs in that case.
Jul 6, 2009 at 8:37 pm rating: 90
#30
Woman on the Verge
Perhaps someone could follow up with the Parable of the Crazed Zealot. You know the one… The nutjob tries to convert the moneylenders and prostitutes by screaming the ten commandments at them until he is inexplicably crushed by a pillar of salt in the shape of Mary Magdalene…
Jul 6, 2009 at 9:21 pm rating: 90
#31
I call thief!
By putting that bible passage at the end, the key “finder” seem to imply that they had actually stolen the keys a month ago, felt guilty, and shouldn’t be punished because they’re trying to return them and even God is happy about that! Yee-haw!
Jul 7, 2009 at 12:30 am rating: 90
#32
AuntyBron
I am reminded of the Great Pencil Miracle which happened when I was in school. A religiot who frankly had some rather questionable religious habits (like telling the Lord to “sic ‘em” when she didn’t like what someone else had said) carried around a book bag as she trudged from class to class. And in this book bag she did carry books and also a box in which she stored her pencil. And it came to pass that in one of her classes the teacher did bring forth a test and instructed the students to mark upon the test with their pencils. And this overtly devout girl did reach into her bag to pull out her pencil. But the pencil was not forthcoming. And the girl did frantic search in her bookbag and did cry in anguist unto the heavens, “O Lord – help me find my pencil!” And the Lord did answer her prayer and did cause the pencil to be found. And the girl gave thanks unto the Lord – “Praise the Lord – I found my pencil!!”
And there was great rejoicing.
(Actually – I think there were pleas for divine intervention, but still…)
Jul 8, 2009 at 12:29 am rating: 90
#33
tinkerspell
How holy is she if she waited a month to post her snarky little diatribe – that Jesus would SO not approve of?
Jul 8, 2009 at 4:03 am rating: 90
#34
raiseyourglass
Now I lay me down to sleep.
I found some keys, but could not sleep.
Lord knows I tried them in all the locks.
In my 15 story, high rise block.
Jul 12, 2009 at 8:40 pm rating: 90
#35
Danielle
Haha, I lived in that building! My roommate and I were a little scared and that note stayed on the wall for months.
Aug 16, 2009 at 10:02 pm rating: 90
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