The parable of the lost keys

July 6th, 2009 · 137 comments

Sydney spotted this bizarrely self-satisfied bit of scripture in a friend’s downtown Berkeley apartment building.

Says Sydney: “I personally think the Bible verse adds a nice touch of guilt, but it’s the emoticon smileys that really put the whole thing over the top for me.”

What was once lost is now found!

(Also…what exactly has the note-writer been doing while holding those keys ransom for the past month? Formatting footnotes?)

related: What would Jesus do for a Klondike bar?

FILED UNDER: Berkeley · Jesus · smiley


137 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Susannie

    I would certainly change the lock on my door if I saw that note! Unless I’m busy rejoicing with my neighbours, of course.

    Jul 6, 2009 at 9:11 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   T imo® bang

      And they rejoiced by feasting on fruit bats, armadillo and other small furry woodland creatures.

      Jul 6, 2009 at 11:31 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.2   MAMARILLA2 bang

      yay

      Jul 6, 2009 at 11:48 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.3   Saysh bang

      And they ate Robin’s minstrels..

      and there was much rejoicing..

      *yay*

      Jul 6, 2009 at 6:05 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.4   park rose

      Sorry to break into the python thread (is it?) You can excommunicate me later…

      In response to Susannie
      Unless I’m busy rejoicing with my neighbours
      under the covets? Right? and to spite the covenants.

      Jul 6, 2009 at 9:43 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.5   Susannie

      Hihi, if only to reiceive a 10 commandments PAN. Thouh shalt not covet thy neighbours ass :D

      Jul 7, 2009 at 2:47 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.6   T imo® bang

      My neighbor has a pretty sweet ass though. Just saying.

      Jul 7, 2009 at 6:00 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.7   Snippy

      Governor Sanford, please get some help.

      Jul 7, 2009 at 6:23 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.8   eric

      i love that their is a pa note in a pa note on this one with the “necessary” added by someone else.

      Jul 8, 2009 at 1:49 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   amy d bang

    Zealots always find a way to bring the conversation back to religion so they can attempt to convert you. That’s why I refuse to talk to them.

    Jul 6, 2009 at 9:19 am   rating: 19  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   claw71 bang

      So you take a vow of silence? how pius of you! Jesus loves you, amy d, Jesus loves you and he wants your money.

      Jul 6, 2009 at 10:55 am   rating: 22  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.2   AuntyBron

      …and your soul

      Jul 7, 2009 at 1:14 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.3   Saysh bang

      I always thought it was the Dread Pirate Roberts who wanted your soul.

      My bad…

      Jul 7, 2009 at 4:50 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.4   scribbles the monkey

      I like the BoaSaS take on it: heaven “must not be that great if you have to scare people into going.”

      Jul 7, 2009 at 10:24 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.5   AuntyBron

      The Dread Pirate Roberts didn’t want your soul. He wanted you to take his place so he could retire, vanquish evil PRince Humperdinck, marry Princess Buttercup and raise Rodents of Unusual Size.

      Jul 8, 2009 at 12:18 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.6   Saysh bang

      No, no, no Aunty Bron,

      When Fezzik is dressed in the Holocaust cloak and is on the wheelbarrow going toward the gate guarded by the 60 men.. He SAYS he was out for your soul. You know.. to scare the crap out of the 60 men..

      Jeez.. come on we gotta be all literal and stuff you know. This isn’t a FUN website or anything…

      *grin*

      Jul 8, 2009 at 4:14 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #3   anglophile bang

    Seriously, girlfriends, if you call me up to tell me you found a quarter in your couch cushions, I am not going to rejoice with you.

    Jul 6, 2009 at 9:25 am   rating: 32  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   T imo® bang

      Anglo guess what? I found a five in my boxers. Let’s party! W00t w00t!

      Jul 6, 2009 at 12:09 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.2   Jim

      I think that’s a roll of dimes.

      Jul 6, 2009 at 12:20 pm   rating: 21  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.3   MAMARILLA2 bang

      Only five,, I was kinda hoping for at least 8, maybe 10.

      Jul 6, 2009 at 12:28 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.4   anglophile bang

      I’d get more excited, T imo®, if I hadn’t put that five in there myself last night.

      You really should limit yourself to five mojitos, by the way.

      Jul 6, 2009 at 12:28 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.5   T imo® bang

      I woke up this morning and thought whose lime green thong is this and why is it on my head?

      Jul 6, 2009 at 2:39 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.6   MAMARILLA2 bang

      (hands T imo an ice bag and a strong cup of coffee with) Here baby, I think you could use this..I’ve bot a nice bowl of menudo for you when you’re ready.

      Jul 6, 2009 at 2:45 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.7   T imo® bang

      *nods head slooowly*
      Mmmmm that is just the ticket to get over this hangover. Thanks mi amor.

      Jul 6, 2009 at 2:50 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   anglophile bang

    And, now I’m going to be singing Amazing Grace all day.

    Great, that’s fucking great.

    Jul 6, 2009 at 9:26 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   MAMARILLA2 bang

      ‘Amazing Glo , how sweet you are.
      To tell the truth as it be….
      The trolls would be wise-
      To run away and hide.
      And hat should cower in fear.’

      Jul 6, 2009 at 10:42 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.2   T imo® bang

      I am singing it to the gilligan’s island theme…

      Jul 6, 2009 at 11:32 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.3   MAMARILLA2 bang

      oooh,,Now try the words from the Spiderman theme to the tune of Jesus Christ Superstar….soooo cool.

      Jul 6, 2009 at 11:50 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.4   T imo® bang

      Wow :shock: I never knew that. How cool! ♥

      Jul 6, 2009 at 12:10 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.5   jadefirefly

      Oh, god. Now it’s in my head. Despite the fact that I’ve got Metallica blaring out of my headphones, all I can fucking hear is Spiderman Superstar.

      I hate you all.

      Jul 6, 2009 at 3:12 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.6   MAMARILLA2 bang

      Thank you, I am now free of the curse…and there will be much rejoicing. Yay.

      Jul 7, 2009 at 2:53 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   A

    For those who don’t want to blow this up to see the footnote, it reads:

    Luke 15.8 Greek ten drachmas each worth about a day’s wages.

    Personally, I would have expected it to be linked with the consumer price index. “A day’s wages” is just plain lazy.

    Jul 6, 2009 at 9:27 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   amy d bang

      I’d blow this note up if I could get my hands on it.

      Jul 6, 2009 at 9:36 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   Sesquipedalian

    Never mind the DaVinci code, now we know the real truth the Vatican has been hiding: St. Peter, the heavenly key master, lives in Berkeley!

    I’m moving there and setting up a nice pilgrimage shrine where the faithful can buy trinkets and indulgences!

    Jul 6, 2009 at 9:49 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   Mishee™ bang

      Or perhaps its Louis, just looking for the Gatekeeper?

      Jul 6, 2009 at 10:12 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.2   MAMARILLA2 bang

      Are you the keymaster?

      Jul 6, 2009 at 10:44 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.3   KatieMB

      Who ya gonna call?

      Jul 6, 2009 at 2:09 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.4   MAMARILLA2 bang

      I make it a rule never to get involved with possesed people

      Jul 6, 2009 at 2:53 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.5   T imo® bang

      When I say she sleeps on top of the bed I mean like floating over it.

      Jul 6, 2009 at 2:55 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.6   MAMARILLA2 bang

      I think we can get her a guest shot on Wild Kingdom.

      Jul 6, 2009 at 2:59 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.7   KatieMB

      So, she’s a dog…

      Jul 6, 2009 at 3:16 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.8   T imo® bang

      Seem likes it doggy style… atomic dog style.

      Jul 6, 2009 at 4:20 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #7   umlaut

    There are about three keys on your keychain.

    I can’t quite count them all but, you know, about three keys.

    There or thereabouts…

    Jul 6, 2009 at 10:00 am   rating: 55  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   G

      Maybe two of them were squat little half keys, making the two together count as one whole key. About.

      Jul 6, 2009 at 10:12 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.2   T imo® bang

      The keys to the kingdom!

      Jul 6, 2009 at 12:11 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.3   Sirius¤ bang

      and/or chastity belt. Wait, that’s redundant.

      Jul 6, 2009 at 12:30 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.4   KatieMB

      I’d count the keys but, well, you see, I lost those keys in my apartment about a month ago. Won’t you come in and help me find them? Then we can rejoice.

      Jul 6, 2009 at 2:11 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.5   wannabjd

      I was going to count all the keys, but I lost interest in the project.

      Jul 6, 2009 at 2:24 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.6   T imo® bang

      I would love to help….being all helpful you know.

      Jul 6, 2009 at 2:41 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.7   KatieMB

      I know why you wanna help…

      Jul 6, 2009 at 2:45 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.8   T imo® bang

      I think i see them under the couch there….

      Jul 6, 2009 at 2:51 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.9   KatieMB

      It’s rejoicing time!!

      Jul 6, 2009 at 3:17 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.10   park rose

      Squat little half keys never get the repestect they deserve.

      Jul 6, 2009 at 3:30 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.11   Maas

      Doesn’t the “~” character indicate “not” (or more generally, a negation)?

      So isn’t the note really saying, that there are not three keys and a chain?

      the use of parenthesis further indicate that the symbol should be interpreted in the context of formal symbolic logic. Notice how the note’s creator went to the trouble of showing that he or she found (~3 keys and key chain) rather than that she found ~( 3 keys and a key chain).

      Jul 6, 2009 at 6:00 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.12   Dave

      Typically, the etilde (~) is used to represent “approximately”, at least in usage I’ve seen… Whereas “not” could be “” or “!=”.

      Jul 7, 2009 at 11:37 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.13   Maas

      “!=” is generally used for “not” in programing languages, whereas “~” symbolizes a negation in a number of systems of formal logic.

      Apparently “~” is used for dozens of purposes (approximations, equality, negation, equal or greater than, and so on…), but it only seems logical to use the meaning associated with logic.

      I’m not saying the note is wrong in its usage, just pointing out that the symbol has too many interpretations.

      Jul 7, 2009 at 5:33 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.14   Wade bang

      “~” means their computer had a tilde key, and they were too lazy to encode “≈”.

      ;)

      Jul 7, 2009 at 6:16 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #8   Mishee™ bang

    I think this person wasn’t planning to give the keys back, but once they saw their neighbors sinning like the devil, they knew they needed an excuse to post scripture in the halls, so just used the keys to open the door… so to speak…

    Jul 6, 2009 at 10:14 am   rating: 19  small thumbs up

     
  • #9   Wade bang

    Like cutting off one’s feet or drinking violence
    is the sending of a message by the hand of a fool.

    –Proverbs 26:6 (no footnote necessary)

    Jul 6, 2009 at 10:21 am   rating: 26  small thumbs up

     
  • #10   farcical aquatic ceremony involving 'taking care of' Caroline...

    I like how the “necessary?” seems to be pointing only to the bolded section of text, as if the preceding text and footnote weren’t batshit crazy/totally uncalled for, too.

    Jul 6, 2009 at 10:33 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   anglophile bang

      I was going even more specific and wondering if they meant the closing quotation mark, and thinking to myself, well, yeah, I think that quotation mark is necessary.

      Jul 6, 2009 at 11:19 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.2   BrookeDiz

      The close quote is necessary because there’s an open quote at the beginning. However, the damn selection is too long to put in quotes in the first place. It should be indented and stand on its own.

      Note-writer, repent! Thou art not perfect in the eyes of the formatting gods!

      Jul 6, 2009 at 5:50 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.3   tinkerbell2

      @farcical aquatic ceremony involving ‘taking care of’ Caroline…

      talk us through how you arrived at your username..

      Jul 8, 2009 at 8:24 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #11   trish

    I think I’d just make new keys in favor of this person having my email address.

    Jul 6, 2009 at 10:34 am   rating: 26  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   T imo® bang

      What you don’t want to receive an unending amount of zealous punditry until the end of time in your inbox?

      Jul 6, 2009 at 12:13 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.2   trish

      I get enough of that from the mother in law!!!

      Jul 6, 2009 at 2:26 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.3   MAMARILLA2 bang

      She puts it in your inbox?

      Jul 6, 2009 at 2:37 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.4   mamason bang

      I wouldn’t mind a little zealous punditry in my inbox. :-|

      Jul 6, 2009 at 5:26 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.5   trish

      You wouldn’t BELIEVE how many God emails I get from her in an average week. I finally had to set up a filter to filter all of her stuff to her own folder!

      Jul 6, 2009 at 8:13 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #12   mipsy

    I still have a set of keys I found 2 years ago.

    Jul 6, 2009 at 10:48 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #13   claw71 bang

    amy d is right, religiots are always looking for opportunities to stuff religion down your throat. They are neither skilled nor subtle in their approach:

    claw71: Man, that Eva Mendez has one fine ass.

    Religiot Cousin: I suppose, but you know who else had a really nice ass? JESUS-uh!

    The best is when they try to relate scripture to everyday life, but since most religiots rarely read the bible, they piece together different stories:

    claw71: Fuck, man, I never thought I was going to get out of the office today. It was just one problem after the other.

    Religiot cousin: That reminds me of the story of Jonah. God turned his family into pillars of salt because he used to swear all the time.

    claw71: Jonah was inside the whale.

    Religiot cousin: No, Abraham was in the whale because he ate the forbidden fruit.

    claw71: Abraham was supposed to sacrifice his son, Adam ate the forbidden fruit.

    Religiot cousin: No, no, no…Judas sacrificed his son so he could part the Red Sea.

    claw71: That was Moses, and he didn’t have to sacrifice his son.

    Religiot cousin: No, Moses built the ark. Man, claw71, you really need to get to church. Jesus loves you.

    Jul 6, 2009 at 10:53 am   rating: 29  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   Woman on the Verge bang

      He really is a religiot, claw. We all know that Jesus doesn’t love you…. he fears you.

      Jul 6, 2009 at 10:56 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.2   oi!

      yo! man! Claw! you are a Gddmned* confused mann!
      In dark times like this you should think what the fcuk* would Jesus do?
      why!? I know!
      He would BBQ and smoke the pot man!*
      ~Leo
      (* If It’s misspelled it’s not cursing alright? HE knows.)

      Jul 6, 2009 at 12:37 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.3   mamason bang

      Claw is always looking for opportunities to stuff his weiner down your throat. He is neither skilled nor subtle in his approach.

      Jul 6, 2009 at 5:29 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.4   park rose

      mama’s reproach.

      Jul 6, 2009 at 5:40 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #14   Woman on the Verge bang

    Apparently the sign writer has spent the last month combing the bible for an appropriate verse that not only reflects their status as the angel of lost keys, but instills a fear of raving-bible-thumping lunatics into the rest of the tenants.

    Jul 6, 2009 at 10:54 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   KatieMB

      It worked, coz I’m scared. And I don’t want my keys back.

      Jul 6, 2009 at 2:14 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.2   park rose

      I agree, WotV. He was finding the appropriate tenet for the tennants.

      Jul 6, 2009 at 9:51 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #15   Woman on the Verge bang

    Is the “necessary?” questioning the need to repent if we want to rejoice? The necessity of a bible verse to highlight the return of lost keys? The veracity of religious belief?

    This theology shit is really exhausting.

    Jul 6, 2009 at 10:59 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

     
  • #16   RunBarbara bang

    Yet another reason Oakland is better than Berkeley. Passive-aggression doesn’t exist here.

    In Oakland, you don’t get smiley faces on notes. People come correct. Notes are stabbed through your door with a pocket knife and set on fire, so you’d better read quickly before someone has to send you a “second reminder”.

    Jul 6, 2009 at 11:03 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   Sirius¤ bang

      No kidding. I put my feet on the seat on the BART in front of a transit cop — next thing I know, I regain consciousness on the platform with a citation stapled to my forehead. He didn’t set it on fire though; first offense, I guess.

      Jul 6, 2009 at 11:16 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.2   RunBarbara bang

      Hopefully this wasn’t at the Fruitvale station. They don’t take kindly to law breakers down east….

      Jul 6, 2009 at 11:23 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.3   Mishee™ bang

      Hey now, give the poor rookie a break! He thought it was his taser!

      *coughyeahrightcough*

      Jul 6, 2009 at 11:49 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #17   Sirius¤ bang

    The Parable of the Lost Coin was always a pretty weak lesson anyway. You lose 10% of your money, and then find it, and then your neighbors will rejoice? I would just say “that 10% was my tithing to the Lord; let Him find it”.

    I prefer the Parable of the Children Eaten by a Bear. My kid brings me a beer when I tell him to, is all I’m sayin’.

    Jul 6, 2009 at 11:12 am   rating: 36  small thumbs up

     
  • #18   you suck at craigslist

    If you want to be called a saint for finding and returning the keys, just say so.

    Jul 6, 2009 at 11:25 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   Sirius¤ bang

      That’s Saint Anthony, right? My Catholicism’s a little rusty.

      (quit going to Mass after I discovered Father Flanagan in the vestry with little Rusty)

      Jul 6, 2009 at 11:44 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.2   MAMARILLA2 bang

      Yes, but what we need here is Saint Jude, patron saint of lost causes.

      Jul 6, 2009 at 12:12 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #19   Wade bang

    LONDON (July 6) – The surviving parts of the world’s oldest Bible were reunited online Monday, generating excitement among scholars striving to unlock its mysteries.

    Remarkably, the text contains no mention of lost keys.

    Jul 6, 2009 at 12:02 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #19.1   MAMARILLA2 bang

      Was there any mention of the holy handgrenade of Antioch?

      Jul 6, 2009 at 12:13 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.2   T imo® bang

      Yesss let’s see…And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, “O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.” And the Lord did grin. And the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths, and carp and anchovies, and orangutans and breakfast cereals, and fruit-bats and large churros.

      Jul 6, 2009 at 12:20 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.3   Wade bang

      Five is right out.

      Jul 6, 2009 at 12:26 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.4   Sirius¤ bang

      O Lord, Thou art SO big! I mean, just amazingly huge; gosh, we’re all really impressed down here, I can assure you!

      Jul 6, 2009 at 12:34 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.5   MAMARILLA2 bang

      Everytime I try to talk to someone its “sorry this” and “forgive me that” and “I’m not worthy”.

      Jul 6, 2009 at 1:52 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.6   KatieMB

      Sorry.

      Jul 6, 2009 at 2:16 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.7   T imo® bang

      I am adverting my eyes lord!

      Jul 6, 2009 at 2:44 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.8   KatieMB

      No you’re not, now say 5 Hail Mary’s!!

      Jul 6, 2009 at 2:47 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.9   T imo® bang

      Someone needs spanking.

      Jul 6, 2009 at 2:48 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.10   Mark bang

      Oooh yes, and then after the spanking, the oral sex!

      Jul 6, 2009 at 2:50 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.11   jadefirefly

      Can’t I stay for just a little bit of the peril?

      Jul 6, 2009 at 3:17 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.12   KatieMB

      It’s the peril that makes you cum…

      Jul 6, 2009 at 3:22 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.13   Sirius¤ bang

      Suddenly I want to watch movies at KatieMB’s house!

      Jul 6, 2009 at 3:31 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.14   KatieMB

      Watch movies? Um, ok we can do that too. ;)

      Jul 6, 2009 at 3:34 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.15   T imo® bang

      Look, it’s my duty to sample as much peril as I can.

      Jul 6, 2009 at 4:24 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.16   Saysh bang

      Bet you’re gay.

      Jul 6, 2009 at 6:17 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.17   KatieMB

      I’m not one to keep a man from his duty.

      Jul 6, 2009 at 6:39 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.18   Woman on the Verge bang

      Um… not to go back to Wade’s comment, but how can they unlock the mysteries without their keys?

      Jul 6, 2009 at 9:15 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #20   aaa

    Of course it’s necessary! If people didn’t preach at other people, how would anybody know what to believe? :O

    Jul 6, 2009 at 12:23 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #20.1   Saysh bang

      aaa, I am not sure how this pearl has been overlooked by the commentors. This is beautiful. Simple. Direct. Stunning.

      Jul 7, 2009 at 5:14 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #21   situational lefty bang

    Jesus loves you but I’m his favorite! Because I find people’s keys and return them! And I preach the gospel while doing my good deeds! Yay for me!

    Jul 6, 2009 at 1:44 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

     
  • #22   stickman

    Jesus loves keys, this I know,
    For the Bible tells me so.
    Lost some keys, well them I found,
    Email me soon Bible verses will abound.
    Yes, Jesus loves me
    Yes, Jesus loves keys
    Yes, Jesus loves me
    Your email tells me so!

    Jul 6, 2009 at 1:58 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

     
  • #23   Neeners

    The keys actually belong to Jesus and he’s a bit pissed that the note writer waited almost a month to post the note that they were found.
    The email will read:
    Dear Keyfinder,
    Keep the keys I have several sets, and please no more amateur hour with the spiritual parables (I saw what you were doing last night.)
    Signed, righthandman@yahoo.com

    Jul 6, 2009 at 3:27 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #24   fluffy8u

    Rejoice! For the prodigal key shall be returned!

    Jul 6, 2009 at 3:40 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #25   fluffy8u

    The Key-Loser should change her locks, because now that the Finder has the keys, he will let himself in and leave little notes all over the place like “Jesus Loves YOU (unless you’re gay)” on the mirror and “Save yourself for marriage, for the Lord commands it!” on the bed.

    Jul 6, 2009 at 3:44 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #26   Lola

    I grew up Baptist,* but people like this are part of the reason I’m Episcopalian now. (Being allowed to dance, drink, play cards, and believe in evolution aren’t bad either.)

    *Largely unexamined font of mayjah holier-than-thou passive agressiveness, IME.

    Jul 6, 2009 at 3:57 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #27   T imo® bang

    You email this person and then you’re going to have to face the bloody Spanish inquisition to get your keys back.

    Jul 6, 2009 at 4:26 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #27.1   MAMARILLA2 bang

      No one expects the Spanish inquisition.

      Jul 6, 2009 at 4:33 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.2   Mark bang

      Our chief weapon is fear. Fear and surprise. Surprise and fear. Our two weapons are fear and surprise. And a ruthless efficiency!

      Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear. surprise. a ruthless efficiency. an almost fanatical devotion to the pope. nice red uniforms.

      I’ll come in again.

      Jul 6, 2009 at 4:38 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.3   T imo® bang

      Cardinal Fang bring out the pointy cushions!

      Jul 6, 2009 at 4:42 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.4   T imo® bang

      you are accused of heresy on three counts — heresy by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed, and heresy by action — *four* counts. Do you confess?

      Jul 6, 2009 at 4:52 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.5   marx

      Give the rack… a turn…

      Jul 6, 2009 at 5:40 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #28   T imo® bang

    Our two weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency.
    Arrggg! …

    Jul 6, 2009 at 4:38 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #28.1   T imo® bang

      gigglebrax fail! :sad:

      Jul 6, 2009 at 4:40 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #28.2   Saysh bang

      You know what that means Timo… you must come here and get a spanking..

      :twisted:

      Jul 6, 2009 at 6:19 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #28.3   oi!

      @ 27.2,
      oi! ♥ Mark.

      Jul 6, 2009 at 6:27 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #28.4   Woman on the Verge bang

      But Saysh, I thought it meant Timo had to wear the unitard. Wouldn’t he look cute in it?

      Jul 6, 2009 at 9:18 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #28.5   AuntyBron

      NO, the unitard is for anyone who says “fucking delicious” in their….uh oh.

      Jul 7, 2009 at 1:27 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #28.6   Saysh bang

      WotV.. I was making an exception in Timo’s case.. cuz he’s such a cutie pie.. Like you are going to tell me that YOU wouldn’t have jumped right on that if I hadn’t said it first??

      Oh, AuntyBron… *sigh*

      Jul 7, 2009 at 5:18 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #29   oi!

    so he held on to the keys for a month, right? what, he tried every apartment on the street but keys did not work so the note?
    nahiice!
    That bible verse totally needs in that case.

    Jul 6, 2009 at 8:37 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #30   Woman on the Verge bang

    Perhaps someone could follow up with the Parable of the Crazed Zealot. You know the one… The nutjob tries to convert the moneylenders and prostitutes by screaming the ten commandments at them until he is inexplicably crushed by a pillar of salt in the shape of Mary Magdalene…

    Jul 6, 2009 at 9:21 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #30.1   KatieMB

      *sigh* I love that parable.

      Jul 8, 2009 at 6:21 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #31   I call thief!

    By putting that bible passage at the end, the key “finder” seem to imply that they had actually stolen the keys a month ago, felt guilty, and shouldn’t be punished because they’re trying to return them and even God is happy about that! Yee-haw!

    Jul 7, 2009 at 12:30 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #32   AuntyBron

    I am reminded of the Great Pencil Miracle which happened when I was in school. A religiot who frankly had some rather questionable religious habits (like telling the Lord to “sic ‘em” when she didn’t like what someone else had said) carried around a book bag as she trudged from class to class. And in this book bag she did carry books and also a box in which she stored her pencil. And it came to pass that in one of her classes the teacher did bring forth a test and instructed the students to mark upon the test with their pencils. And this overtly devout girl did reach into her bag to pull out her pencil. But the pencil was not forthcoming. And the girl did frantic search in her bookbag and did cry in anguist unto the heavens, “O Lord – help me find my pencil!” And the Lord did answer her prayer and did cause the pencil to be found. And the girl gave thanks unto the Lord – “Praise the Lord – I found my pencil!!”

    And there was great rejoicing.
    (Actually – I think there were pleas for divine intervention, but still…)

    Jul 8, 2009 at 12:29 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #32.1   KatieMB

      But… did she pass the test???

      Jul 8, 2009 at 6:20 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #33   tinkerspell

    How holy is she if she waited a month to post her snarky little diatribe – that Jesus would SO not approve of?

    Jul 8, 2009 at 4:03 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #33.1   tinkerbell2

      tinkerspell – liking your name. cup of tea? biscuit? holy wafer?

      Jul 8, 2009 at 8:36 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #34   raiseyourglass

    Now I lay me down to sleep.
    I found some keys, but could not sleep.
    Lord knows I tried them in all the locks.
    In my 15 story, high rise block.

    Jul 12, 2009 at 8:40 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #35   Danielle

    Haha, I lived in that building! My roommate and I were a little scared and that note stayed on the wall for months.

    Aug 16, 2009 at 10:02 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     

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