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Know sweat

July 7th, 2009 · 92 comments

Writes Jaime in Austin: “My husband and I lift weights at Gold’s Gym and we love it (no, really!) — except for their new signage reminding people to mop up their sweat.”

Know you can wipe off the machine when you're done. (No, really you can.)

Meanwhile, next door…

(Well, sort of.) Kathryn spotted this similarly understated/backhanded message in an upscale Orlando, Florida boutique.

NOTICE WELCOME  Dear ladies,  Please, ladies if you just worked out next door and not showered we ask for your consideration, please do not try any clothing.   Thank you, Management

related: Like a rotten sponge

FILED UNDER: Austin · gym · hygiene · Orlando · retail hell

92 responses so far ↓

  • #1   facek

    You know, at first I didn’t think I could wipe down my sweat, but then I kept reading.

    Jul 7, 2009 at 8:46 am   rating: 38  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   Neeners

      Is this a standard sign that Gold’s makes for all it’s locations or is it just for that location? Maybe this specific Gold’s Gym has some of the sweatiest patrons.

      Jul 7, 2009 at 10:32 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #1.2   dragon bang

      It does get very hot and humid in Tex ASS in the summer time.

      Jul 7, 2009 at 11:30 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #1.3   T imo® bang

      That’s swamp-ass weather there!

      Jul 7, 2009 at 4:18 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #1.4   Kelly

      See, at first I thought I COULD wipe my sweat, and then I remembered that I got my hands blown off protecting your freedoms in ‘Nam!

      Rat bastards.

      Jul 7, 2009 at 9:50 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

  • #2   N/A

    Team Management. I hate it when I see gross people trying on clothes. I’ve walked out of stores before after seeing someone come out of the changing room with a dirty faced and snot nosed child and a armful of clothes to return. Obviously I wash the stuff before I wear it anyway but still, eww!

    Jul 7, 2009 at 8:52 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   MAMARILLA2 bang

      Then you have been to our local Wal-mart.

      Jul 7, 2009 at 4:12 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #2.2   Car RamRod

      I can understand the clothing store not wanting sweaty people trying stuff on and leaving behind an olfactory experience that might cost them a sale later on. I know it might keep me from buying a pair of jeans if they smelled like a mix of grundle juice and a zoo on fire.

      However, one thing that harshes my mellow are whiny people in the gym always being such nazis about sweat on the equipment. Everyone sweats in the gym, at least everyone who actually works out and doesn’t stand around gawking at women on the treadmill like a sexual predator. What’s the big deal if someone else’s sweat gets on your already sweaty body? Presumably you intend to take a shower after the whole thing is over anyway I hope. And if not, you’re a nasty motherfucker anyway so it shouldn’t bother you. And I’m sure some of you are thinking ‘well what about ringworm and staph?’ If you think that wiping a seat with a towel is going to kill germs and parasites, you need to take a biology class. Furthermore, if the reason you can’t take the sweat isn’t based on some irrational fear of infection, but is instead cause you can’t stand the idea of someone else’s sweat coming in contact with you, I wonder how you ever fuck. Do you use a plastic sheet version of orthodox jewish sex? A king size dental dam with a whole poked in it? Granted a good argument would be you wouldn’t fuck most of the other people in the gym, so their sweat is different. But again, you can always take a shower. A shower cures that icky feeling that comes from either the contact of sweat from a hairy gym-rat gorilla or even sex with a filthy prostitute. It truly works wonders. I suggest you try it.

      Team RamRod!

      Jul 20, 2009 at 2:27 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

  • #3   claw71 bang

    Ah yes, Gold’s Gym: where feeling the burn might mean that you have a staph infection.

    Jul 7, 2009 at 8:53 am   rating: 50  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   Kelly

      No pain, no gain. In other words, if you have to have your leg amputated because of virulent staph, that’s an easy 9 to 10 percent of your body weight right there!

      (And yes, I did just google “how much does a human leg weigh,” in case you were wondering.)

      Jul 7, 2009 at 9:52 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

  • #4   Phalange

    But what fun would the gym be if I didn’t get to frolic in the taint sweat everyone leaves behind on the leg press machine? I love the pseudo-inspirational tone though. I think they need to make these signs to regulate all sorts of other douchey gym behavior as well. “Know that you don’t have to make homoerotic grunting noises when you lift (No really, you don’t)”

    Jul 7, 2009 at 8:53 am   rating: 59  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   claw71 bang

      You also don’t have break wind every time you return to the forward position on the rowing machine (but keep on thinking that we can’t hear you).

      Jul 7, 2009 at 9:10 am   rating: 21  small thumbs up

    • #4.2   Phalange

      It’s a proven fact that farting on the rowing machine makes you go faster. It’s true, I read it on the Internet.

      Jul 8, 2009 at 7:44 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

  • #5   Rowdy bang

    “Can I try this on?”

    “Know you can’t!”

    Jul 7, 2009 at 8:54 am   rating: 45  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   park rose

      Oops. Never mind. Just read the title of this whole thing. :oops:

      Jul 7, 2009 at 9:02 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #6   Black Kristos

    I am not quite sure I’ve trained enough to wipe off the machines. Maybe in a few months I will have the confidence…

    Jul 7, 2009 at 9:00 am   rating: 16  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   Snippy

      …and sufficient training.

      Jul 7, 2009 at 1:30 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #6.2   KatieMB

      *hoping Gold’s will be scheduling another “Know You Can Do It: How to Wipe Sweaty Workout Equipment” class soon*

      Jul 7, 2009 at 2:14 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

  • #7   park rose

    No fair trial in a chichi orlando, florida boutique; the clothing is hung out to dry.

    Or hung out to be tried on by dry people.

    Jul 7, 2009 at 9:02 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   T imo® bang

      Dried to be tried by hung people? :shock:

      Jul 7, 2009 at 9:34 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #7.2   park rose bang

      Well Claw was directly below your comment until I posted ;)

      Jul 7, 2009 at 9:40 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #8   claw71 bang

    I can appreciate the boutique (why don’t us guys have those, by the way?) not wanting sweaty ladies trying on their wares, but why limit it to the gym? What about the 220 pound 59 year-old Jewess snowbird from Jersey who insists on squeezing into a size 16? Isn’t the sludge that oozes out of her folds more offensive than a little circuit sweat? And how about that skinny little hottie who stinks of Tequila shooters and the unprotected sex she had with the tour bus drivers who were sucking them out of her belly button until the wee hours of the morning?

    If you’re going to put up a sign, let’s cover all the bases.

    Jul 7, 2009 at 9:07 am   rating: 24  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   T imo® bang

      “Dear sorority hoes please don’t try on our clothes. We don’t want your snaily skank trail left in them. Thank you. :grin:

      Jul 7, 2009 at 9:42 am   rating: 21  small thumbs up

  • #9   stickman

    Our gym provides towels, but after I saw someone blowing their nose on one… I bring my own.

    Jul 7, 2009 at 9:07 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

  • #10   park rose

    For the ladies who just worked out next door, I’ll save you the brain power, this is the boutique next to it.

    Jul 7, 2009 at 9:11 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   Olivia

      But what if I worked out at the gym two blocks away? Does that preclude me from trying?

      Jul 7, 2009 at 10:06 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #10.2   Snippy

      If at first you don’t exude, try, try again.

      Jul 7, 2009 at 1:32 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #10.3   MAMARILLA2 bang

      I believe that if your whiff preceeds you into the boutique, you should be banned from trying on clothes…

      Jul 7, 2009 at 3:06 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #11   Thanks!

    Because knowing is half the battle! ;)

    Team take a shower before trying on clothes next door!

    Jul 7, 2009 at 9:23 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   T imo® bang

      The more you know the more you grow!!! :wink:

      Jul 7, 2009 at 9:39 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #11.2   MAMARILLA2 bang

      YO JOE!

      Jul 7, 2009 at 11:08 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #11.3   T imo® bang

      Team Cobra!

      Jul 7, 2009 at 2:22 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #11.4   MAMARILLA2 bang

      Kowabunga dude.

      Jul 7, 2009 at 4:10 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #12   stickman

    If I work out somewhere else (not next door) can I try on clothes without showering???

    Jul 7, 2009 at 9:29 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   Olivia

      Ach, you beat me to it, stickman.

      Jul 7, 2009 at 10:07 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #12.2   stickman

      Sorry, Olivia. I guess great minds think alike. I just type faster.

      Jul 7, 2009 at 1:11 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #13   Bob Loblaw

    Ok, I’ll wipe off yer fucking machine.

    Put I’m still going to take a whizz in the shower.

    Jul 7, 2009 at 9:30 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   Mishee™ bang

      I would rather they took a whizz than leave a steaming pile of shit for me to find…

      Bob – how’s your Law Blog going? I’ve always loved to keep up with Bob Loblaw’s Law Blog

      Jul 7, 2009 at 10:21 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #13.2   Beanster bang

      *plusses comment without reading it due to name*

      Jul 7, 2009 at 5:21 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #13.3   T imo® bang

      It’s all about the Mishee™ ! :grin:

      Jul 7, 2009 at 5:40 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #14   J0sie

    What if I showered but didn’t towel off? Can I come into your store soaking wet and start trying on your clothes?

    Jul 7, 2009 at 9:31 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   claw71 bang

      That depends. What sizes will you be trying on?

      Jul 7, 2009 at 10:02 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #14.2   Olivia

      Know you can wipe off the machine, Josie.

      Jul 7, 2009 at 10:08 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #15   oi!

    The first larger than life sign confirms my belief that physical workout is only for mentally challenged people. Know you have to compensate somehow. [Not really]

    Jul 7, 2009 at 9:36 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

  • #16   park rose bang

    I’m not really sure why, but note one and note two are like toilet humour versus dry wit/deapan –

    Know your own strength is a non-subtle reference to body odour; the sign is huge and as in your face as the puddles of sweat left behind by the grunting, farting, perspiring patrons. The writing is in gold, because of course it is Gold’s gym, but is also indicative of an inflated sense of importance. The sign is very blue too, suggestive of water. Gold’s gym doesn’t really want people to mop up their sweat. They want people to produce more of it, to revel in it, to make bodily function jokes about it on a passive aggressive website.

    Sign two, austere in comparison, starts with an all encompassing greeting. Doesn’t use exclamation marks, nor smileys – gets straight to the point in a barbed polite manner, and is signed off with thanks. It uses black type on a plain orange/nectarine A4 piece of paper easily bought from anywhere, tastefully colour co-ordinated to the warm dry autumn tones of the change rooms.

    Benny Hill versus Bill Hicks.

    Jul 7, 2009 at 10:04 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   oi bang

      Can I love you too rose? hope you too don’t mind love from a guy. ;)
      yeah I too notice that. I like that how second sign changes it tone from instruction to greeting to instruction to greetings again. You read “notice” and you know instantly chiding is in the store. but then there is a greeting to make you little comfortable and bam! comes don’t do that tone but then again “thank you” like ice on whip marks or like smiley after scolding somebody.

      Jul 7, 2009 at 10:17 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #16.2   park rose bang

      As long as you bring that whip with you ;)

      Jul 7, 2009 at 10:20 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #17   green mamba

    If my gym posted this sign, someone would have to tape a note to it saying “Know you can provide full bottles of disinfectant and dry towels. No really, you can.”

    I don’t see why the gym is complaining. There’s nothing like a burning, itching staph infection to make you feel alive and to give your immune system a nice workout. Why should your legs and abs be the only part of your body being exercised at the gym? I know I feel stronger from having survived the MRSA I got at the gym.

    Jul 7, 2009 at 10:21 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   KatieMB

      *makes mental note to not join green mamba’s gym*

      Jul 7, 2009 at 2:20 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

  • #18   Neeners

    Check out the super sweaty guy in the background of the Gold’s picture. I think the sign refers specifically to him.

    Jul 7, 2009 at 10:24 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   claw71 bang

      Why? Because he’s a BLACK MAN ? You racist people make me sick.

      Jul 7, 2009 at 11:02 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #18.2   AnonEMouse

      *blinks* (knows I can clean off my monitor and does)
      Hrm…he still looks white to me…

      Jul 7, 2009 at 12:17 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #18.3   mamason bang


      Jul 7, 2009 at 12:22 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #18.4   T imo® bang

      That guy needs a tarp.

      Jul 7, 2009 at 12:32 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #18.5   stickman

      Claw needs to get some glasses…

      Jul 7, 2009 at 1:14 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #18.6   Snippy

      T imo @18.4, he’s so sweaty that he would need a tarp bailout — but where will we get the funds?

      Jul 7, 2009 at 1:37 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #18.7   Neeners

      I think he’s white too, but who cares anyway. I had no intention of playing a race card it is unimportant to me. By the way so am I.

      Jul 7, 2009 at 4:38 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #18.8   mamason bang

      Where the hell is the thumb fairy?

      Jul 9, 2009 at 1:33 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #18.9   GK bang

      Thumb delivery for mamason! *dumps box* Sign here please, ma’am.

      Jul 9, 2009 at 3:19 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #19   Peonia

    In the second note, only the words you should read are in bold.


    Please, please do not try on any clothing.”

    The rest is clearly bullshit.

    Jul 7, 2009 at 10:35 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #20   Bob Loblaw

    ‘ladies, if you work out next door and no shower, no try clothes’

    instead, ask for the manager so i can smell yer sweaty lady bits

    Jul 7, 2009 at 12:03 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #21   Andy

    This is why it should be spelled “knowtice”.

    Jul 7, 2009 at 12:18 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #22   T imo® bang

    No sweat, know Jesus but you can try on the frocks!

    Jul 7, 2009 at 12:22 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #23   Howie Feltersnatch

    I like to leave my sweat splashed about. People can smell it and know I was there.

    Jul 7, 2009 at 3:38 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #23.1   Neeners

      Granted one should wash their ass before ever trying on clothes, that should be a given. Who can sell stinky clothes after all? Let them try it on sweaty I say. The store can hire a professional sniff tester to determine if the offender should purchase it by rating its odoriferousness afterward . Use a sort of you stink it up, you buy it rule.

      Jul 7, 2009 at 4:56 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #23.2   Snippy

      Dude, you got a grant for washing your own ass? Sweet.

      Or are you a magical elf granting wishes (that others would wash their asses)?

      Either way: enchanting.

      Jul 7, 2009 at 5:03 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #23.3   Neeners

      Yes a free ass washing for you and your family if you can find the pot o gold at the end of the rainbow. Wait, that’s a leprechaun… sorry no deal.

      Jul 7, 2009 at 5:21 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #24   Matt

    You know you’re a big franchise if you can afford to be passive aggressive. The boutique is just being snobby.

    Jul 7, 2009 at 3:59 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #25   Snippy

    What’s all the commotion about? In the second note, the Orlando boutique is simply making the helpful suggestion that women who have just finished working out will feel cooler and dry off faster if they dispense with wearing any clothing.

    I think that this boutique deserves our support. What’s the address again, so I can thank them in person?

    Jul 7, 2009 at 4:35 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #26   Neeners

    Obvious disdain by both business owners for the people who make it possible for them to make a living in the first place.

    Excessive use of ladies in the second note leads some thinking that the boutique owner is really calling them dirty. “Dear ladies… Please ladies…”

    The love hate relationship is what makes it a fun read. The notes are like “we greatly appreciate your patronage you ignorant sweaty sloppy disgusting people, but please don’t touch anything. No really.”

    Jul 7, 2009 at 4:54 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

  • #27   Robert

    No, it makes sense… if a sweaty person tries on some clothes, decides they don’t want them, and puts them back on the rack, the next person won’t want to buy them either because they’ll be covered in some random person’s sweat. It would smell terrible.

    Jul 7, 2009 at 5:30 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #27.1   Snippy

      Really, Robert @27? :roll:
      Gosh, I’m still not sure I understand. Could you explain it more fully, maybe with some helpful diagrams? Be sure to keep it simple enough so that even you can figure it out.

      Jul 7, 2009 at 6:20 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #27.2   Thanks bang

      Let’s see a pie graph and I want statistics.

      Jul 7, 2009 at 6:44 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #27.3   oi!

      snippy@Passiveaggressivenotes/2009/7/7/ know sweat/ @27.1.
      I know you posted only once in this thread but I don’t like to create a confusion either. uhem.

      Jul 7, 2009 at 6:53 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #27.4   Snippy

      @27.3 – OK, oi, I am going to give you a straightforward explanation. There are two valid reasons why I usually identify the comment to which I am responding:
      (1) Sometimes, while you are typing your comment in response to another, the site is being updated with new comments from other people, and those new comments get posted before yours appears. If you composed your comment to directly follow the comment to which you were responding, it might not make any sense when other reply comments separate yours from the earlier one.
      (2) The edit function is no longer available, so there is no way to go back and revise your comment to clarify which comment you were responding to.

      Jul 7, 2009 at 7:28 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #27.5   zombieBlanco bang

      Snippy is snippy?

      Jul 7, 2009 at 7:39 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #27.6   oi!

      number of the comment does the trick
      snippy@ 27.4 but you missed the whole point. I too love redundundundancy.

      Jul 7, 2009 at 7:47 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #27.7   Snippy

      @27.5 – Truth in advertising, zB!

      @27.6 – Oh. Well, then… that’s different. Um… never mind. No harm, no foul — except for the equipment at Gold’s Gym and the clothes in the Orlando boutique.

      Jul 7, 2009 at 8:08 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #27.8   GK bang

      Whoa, hold on Robert, let’s slow down here! I didn’t even get time to make notes there. Is this going to be on the exam?

      Jul 9, 2009 at 3:17 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #28   T imo® bang

    …And the winner of the gold medal at the PAN Olympics is…

    Jul 7, 2009 at 5:58 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #28.1   aaa

      aaa, of course!

      What? Don’t give me that look!

      Jul 7, 2009 at 8:08 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

  • #29   aaa

    So, would it be okay for the men to try on their clothes right after working out? Or are they just assuming the cross-dressers are more conscious of their level of stank than the ladies are?

    Jul 7, 2009 at 7:58 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #30   grammer Nazi

    Dumbass yanks. Can’t spell for shit.

    Lern two spel!

    Jul 8, 2009 at 7:47 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #30.1   Neeners

      You mean we should spell color like colour?

      Jul 8, 2009 at 9:38 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #30.2   park rose bang

      grammer nazi is just invoaking gu:dwinz lour.

      Jul 8, 2009 at 9:43 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #30.3   GK bang

      I’m not going to take grammar tips from somebody who can’t spell “grammer”.

      Jul 9, 2009 at 9:43 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #31   tom

    The second sign is not passive aggressive at all. It’s just a request. A pretty good request too, since skanky sweat pigs trying on clothes is a real issue in a clothing store.

    Jul 9, 2009 at 5:42 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #32   shane

    Only some lazy b*tch who doesn’t wipe up her sweat at a gym would have a problem with a sign like that. Hmm – maybe she goes to mine.

    Jul 10, 2009 at 8:14 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #33   What does “fashion forward” mean to you? | — funny (if not necessarily "passive-aggressive") notes from pissed-off people

    [...] Yo, sweaty beasts! [...]

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