recession incentive plan

July 9th, 2009 · 159 comments

Writes Katrina in Illinois: “I work in furniture, and due to the economy/the real estate crash, the company has been struggling and a lot of employees have been making a lot less money. This little morale booster was found on the break room bulletin board — right beside the letter notifying us that the company was no longer matching 401(k) contributions.”

related: “that’s what she said”

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FILED UNDER: fired · highlighter · illinois · now that's management

159 responses so far ↓

#1 RP

So was the boss always a raging asshole or did the recession do that?

Jul 9, 2009 at 9:02 am rating: +38

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- #1.1 number15
  
  sounds more like sound logic/common sense than asshole-ishness to me
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 12:47 pm rating: +5
- #1.2 Maas
  
  Not sure I’d call that logic, seems to me that if someone doesn’t work there, they can’t really fire him or her.
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 5:30 pm rating: +9
- #1.3 number15
  
  @maas
  
  your analysis of the note is rather sophomoric and lacks the proper attention to detail. the note is not directed at anyone who is not an employee [see: "to all employees"]. if you are not an employee, you need not heed the warning, nor are you expected to read beyond the very first line of the note. that said, employment is synonymous with work. work itself is the cornerstone of the employee’s functionality, so it would be quite a sensible assertion to note that employees who fail to meet this most basic guideline would henceforth cease to be useful and subsequently be terminated. this is logic.
  
  Jul 10, 2009 at 11:42 am rating: +7
- #1.4 Maas
  
  My apologies if my meaning was, to you, arcane.
  The intent was equivocation, a pun, if you will, on the word “work”.
  
  If you want to bring logic into it, it’s more than worthwhile to note that such disjunctions are, by default, inclusive.
  
  Jul 11, 2009 at 1:10 am rating: +4
- #1.5 Canthz_B
  
  Number15, have you ever been to this website before? Have you ever laughed at a joke, or are you doing that well in your studies on Vulcan?
  
  Jul 11, 2009 at 4:53 am rating: +17
- #1.6 T imo®
  
  Live long and get to work!
  
  Jul 11, 2009 at 1:06 pm rating: +3
- #1.7 MAMARILLA2
  
  Infinate assholery in infinate diveristy.
  
  Jul 11, 2009 at 1:15 pm rating: 0
- #1.8 Car RamRod
  
  I think that’s fucking awesome. What a cold and heartless bastard. That’s why he’s the boss.
  
  Jul 20, 2009 at 2:08 pm rating: 0
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#2 Zan

Actually, that is kind of how I felt when I managed a coffee shop and all the part-time 18 year olds thought they should be paid $10 an hour.

Jul 9, 2009 at 9:10 am rating: +18

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- #2.1 T imo®
  
  I do completely understand wanting to slap that false sense of entitlement right the fuck out of their gaped mouth blanked face heads. But this bulletin board morale booster is nothing more than a big “fuck you everyman for himself” from the HQ. This new crop of CEO robber barons needs to have a carefully selected kaizen stick broken off in their ass.
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 9:28 am rating: +29
- #2.2 Wordtinker doesnt smith
  
  Makes you want to send their parents out in to the yard to pick a switch, doesn’t it?
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 10:10 am rating: +3
- #2.3 Snippy
  
  @2 – Since when is being 18 years old a part-time job?
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 1:22 pm rating: +26
- #2.4 Kelly
  
  I don’t know, but if I remember correctly, being 21 was a full-time job.
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 5:13 pm rating: +12
- #2.5 Zan
  
  @ Snipper: Mwah—good point Grammar expert, I am not.
  
  @ T imo: I also agree with you. This is totally inappropriate. I hate how, in this recession, we are all supposed to be just happy worker drones with no complaints.
  
  I was just laughing to myself when I saw this, because the 18 year-old workers were always demanding high pay and health insurance and all sorts of benefits that you usually don’t get with a part-time coffee shop job.
  
  Basically, this sign would have been appropriate.
  
  Jul 10, 2009 at 2:19 pm rating: +2
- #2.6 MAMARILLA2
  
  And the retirement package for waiting table is so magnificent, right up there with line cook at the Denny’s.
  
  Jul 11, 2009 at 10:27 am rating: 0
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#3 QuarterRoy00

I wasn’t going to work, but the pink and blue highlighter highlights convinced me. Especially the exclamation point at the end. Apparently the sign maker was to busy “working” to type one out…

Jul 9, 2009 at 9:19 am rating: +19

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- #3.1 park rose
  
  I think the sign-writer has a strange form of OCD, being that they can’t stand to see an outlined space uncoloured.
  
  I can imagine the conundrum they must have faced when it came to the exclamation mark. Should they colour it blue to match the fullstop, or pink to continue with the alternating colour scheme?
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 9:23 am rating: +26
- #3.2 Wordtinker doesnt smith
  
  PK – you think it could be one of those
  uber blonde,
  chunky in all the wrong places,
  bad suit wearing ,
  chained to the cubicle women in HR
  who is under the delusion that pregnancy is a disease, not a condition and making everyone else suffer for her 12 seconds of playtime?
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 10:15 am rating: +6
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#4 T imo®

“Your job is your benefits package!”
This was an actual statement from my HR representative. Of course she was married to one of the execs so it was her version of let them eat cake.

Jul 9, 2009 at 9:20 am rating: +39

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- #4.1 park rose
  
  HR reps, they’re a special breed unto themselves.
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 9:24 am rating: +6
- #4.2 T imo®
  
  Oh there are some of them I would like to get in the office supply closet. then there are others I would like to see pushed off the top of the engineering building.
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 9:29 am rating: +7
- #4.3 Phalange
  
  Hey, HR reps have it tough. Between passing over well qualified candidates for butt buddies of management, asking the most retarded questions possible in interviews, and ignoring any sensible requests that might improve employee morale they barely have time to polish the frame that holds their Associates degree in Communications from the local community college.
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 1:34 pm rating: +29
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#5 green mamba

That’s an incentive plan? I could have sworn it was a basic principle of capitalism.

Jul 9, 2009 at 9:38 am rating: +9

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- #5.1 Wordtinker doesnt smith
  
  no workee, no eatee
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 11:08 am rating: +12
- #5.2 Dman
  
  It was until unions determined you should get paid for doing nothing.
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 12:03 pm rating: +13
- #5.3 Dman
  
  It was until unions determined you should get paid for doing nothing.
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 12:03 pm rating: +3
- #5.4 Dman
  
  It was until unions determined you should get paid for doing nothing.
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 12:03 pm rating: +4
- #5.5 Mark
  
  It was until unions determined you should get paid for doing nothing.
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 12:13 pm rating: +44
- #5.6 T imo®
  
  It was until onion unions determined you should get paid for doing nothing.
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 12:44 pm rating: +11
- #5.7 mamason
  
  What was it like before unions determined you should get paid for doing nothing, grandpa?
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 1:04 pm rating: +14
- #5.8 Grandpa Amos
  
  Back before unions determined that you should get paid for doing nothing we would go down to Mr Slate’s Quarry climb up into the cab of our Dino-digger. we wouldn’t slide down again until after the going home whistle blew.
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 1:15 pm rating: +25
- #5.9 mamason
  
  Yabba-dabba-do!
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 1:18 pm rating: +2
- #5.10 T imo®
  
  Back before unions determined that you should get paid for doing nothing we would sing this song. And it went a little like this…
  
  Flintstones. Meet the Flintstones.
  They’re the modern stone age family.
  From the town of Bedrock,
  They’re a page right out of history.
  
  Let’s ride with the family down the street.
  Through the courtesy of Fred’s two feet.
  
  When you’re with the Flintstones
  you’ll have a yabba dabba doo time.
  A dabba doo time.
  You’ll have a gay old time. ♬ ♪
  
  I always suspected Fred and Barney were up to something.
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 1:22 pm rating: +8
- #5.11 mamason
  
  Yeah. Like, up to their balls in each others butts.
  
  *Not that there’s anything wrong with that*
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 2:57 pm rating: +5
- #5.12 GhostWriter
  
  I wish we’d stop calling them a Modern Stone Age family. The only thing modern about that show was Gazoo, and he totally jumped the shark.
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 4:52 pm rating: +7
- #5.13 fluffy8u
  
  Meanwhile in Topsy Turvie Town, the shark jumped Gazoo.
  
  dumb-dumb
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 6:52 pm rating: +1
- #5.14 oi
  
  so is it a cue to dead gay horse to come in mama?
  
  Jul 10, 2009 at 9:31 am rating: 0
- #5.15 B. Rubble
  
  Those brontoribs will flip your fuckin ride over!
  
  Jul 12, 2009 at 12:58 am rating: +2
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#6 stickman

This is not an incentive plan… it is basic work ethic. Young people today have such sense of entitlement. You are not entitled to anything… work for it.

Jul 9, 2009 at 9:49 am rating: +5

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- #6.1 park rose
  
  I think PAN has turned into GRAN.
  
  In my day…
  
  I’ll just let the Monty Pythoneers finish it all off…
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 10:13 am rating: +16
- #6.2 GK
  
  We could do make a team-effort one.
  
  In my day, if we wanted to get paid…
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 10:16 am rating: +6
- #6.3 T imo®
  
  I my day we started working at age 3 and if we got blinded in one eye we were happy about it because we would only have to buy a monocle when our eyesight failed from the poor lighting.
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 10:24 am rating: +35
- #6.4 claw71
  
  In my day bitches would hold out on you. Telling you that they only gave that fat guy a $20 blow job instead of $75 for an around the world. You think I don’t know? Then they try and play like the guy pulled out and didn’t pay the extra $25 to cum inside. Nigga, please. Don’t even front. What’s that dripping on the curb then? Mayonnaise packet you stole from Arby’s?
  
  That’s why I kept the pimp hand strong. I always came correct. If a bitch didn’t have my money I’d punch her in the eye, I didn’t care if it cost me a little bidness, bitch had to learn before she could earn. I called that an investment.
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 10:34 am rating: +28
- #6.5 Mark
  
  My bitch better have my money
  Through rain, sleet, or snow
  My whore better have my money
  Not half, not some, but all my cash
  ‘Cause if she don’t,
  I’m gonna put my foot in her ass.
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 10:38 am rating: +5
- #6.6 green mamba
  
  okay PK, I’ll try to channel Monty Python. I’ve always had trouble imitating family, but here goes…
  
  In my day, we wished we had the choice “work or get fired.” My parents sold me to the Jack in a Box factory when I was six hours old. I worked 28 hours a day for the privilege of receiving a cracker and a sweaty sock as my week’s wages. We wished we could quit so we could get a job at the hula hoop factory where you only had to work 26 hours a day and received a slice of salami and a teaspoon of curdled milk each week. “Work or get fired!” Luxury, I tell ya. You kids have it easy these days.
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 10:43 am rating: +14
- #6.7 park rose
  
  What’s with all this PK all of a sudden? Rose, rose, rose, rose. A rose by any other name, and that name, too
  
  Good job, btw, green mamba. I can’t quote Monty Python at all. That’s why I waited for the fans to hijack the thread.
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 11:06 am rating: +3
- #6.8 oi!
  
  yeah I was like too who the hell is this pk?
  pk reminds me of drunkards making commotion in the narrow ally.
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 11:49 am rating: +1
- #6.9 Wordtinker doesnt smith
  
  My fault!
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 11:50 am rating: +1
- #6.10 Andreas
  
  Oh, shut your flabbers, you whippersnappers…
  
  In MY day…
  …my parents rented me to a carpet manufacture in Pakistan from age 3-6 (little fingers, you know). I paid for the return ticket myself by donating a kidney. After that I worked 22 hours a day at a thistle factory while running my mustard mine business on the side. The other two hours I spent as a test subject for new miracle drugs (they would let me sit down while I got the shots, an immense luxury).
  
  So don’t talk to me about work ethics. If people don’t have the money to buy furniture, it’s always the salespersons fault.
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 12:26 pm rating: +14
- #6.11 green mamba
  
  re: 6.6 and 6.7. Sorry Park Rose! Realized it after my tail hit submit. Hard to type without fingers (and hands and arms)
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 12:55 pm rating: +5
- #6.12 fluffy8u
  
  Please, In my day…
  
  My mother was a hooker who died giving birth to me, so I had to grow up in a baby farm with other orphans. When I was nine, I was moved to a workhouse. They gave us little food and a lot of beatings. Me and the other boys drew sticks to see who had to ask the workhouse master a question. I drew the shortest stick, so I went up to him and timidly asked, “Please, sir, I want some more.” He… hit…me something…
  
  y’know, that wasn’t me. that was Oliver Twist… huh… what happened in my day?
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 7:51 pm rating: +2
- #6.13 MAMARILLA2
  
  Sounds to me like you are channeling Peter Griffen. Help is available on request.
  
  Jul 11, 2009 at 10:17 am rating: +1
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#7 situational lefty

With a pep talk like that, I would definitely be motivated to sell me some furniture. Bring it on recession, nothing can stop me now!

Jul 9, 2009 at 9:53 am rating: +7

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#8 GK

Alternatively, we could just troll MMORPGs, pretend it’s “for science”, and get paid for it.

PS: Guys we have edit buttons again!! I can live again! Oh, sweet scent of editing… I had almost forgotten your darling face.

Jul 9, 2009 at 10:00 am rating: +9

reply to this comment
- #8.1 someone
  
  Wow, jealous much? Did Twixt get you, too?
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 12:34 pm rating: 0
- #8.2 fluffy8u
  
  I saw the edit button was back, too. Yay!
  
  THANK YOU KERRY!!!
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 11:41 pm rating: +1
- #8.3 GK
  
  Our passive-aggressive commenting about how much we missed editing obviously paid off!
  
  (Also, I don’t even play that kind of game. What’s to be jealous of?)
  
  Jul 10, 2009 at 2:18 am rating: +4
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#9 claw71

“I work in furniture…” As if being vague makes it more glamorous. Just be honest: you’re one of those vultures who swoops on us when we walk in to price a new couch.

“Can I help you,you eagerly blurt out as you shove your coworkers aside to claim us as your customers, stopping just short of stuffing your business cards in our pockets.

“No”, we reply, “We’re just looking.”

A look of grief and hatred simultaneously rush over your face, but you choke back the rage and despair. “My name is Kristi”, you say through teeth clenched so tight in that forced smile they might shatter. “Just let me know if you need assistance!”

As we wander around the store, you follow us. Smiling brightly every time we look back. When we stop to look at an item, you remind us that you’re there, ready to answer any questions we might have.

“That’s a lovely piece,” you interject as we check the price on a leather love seat, wondering if it would fit our decor.

Finally, we decide to leave and order something online. It doesn’t matter if it’s cheap garbage that will require assembly, we just want out of there. As we leave you follow us, quickly closing the distance. You ask us if we’d like to register for your newsletter, we decline and make a break for the door. You dart in front of us and refuse to let us leave until we take several brochures and a dozen of your business cards. “I’m Kristi, you remind us, “Be sure to ask for me when you come back, ok? OK?? OH-KAY!?!?”

We finally say ok and reach for the door, but your hand is extended, waiting for a handshake. I reluctantly accommodate the silent request. You squeeze it tightly, holding on much longer than custom dictates. I look in your eyes and see the insanity swirling bend them. I pull my hand away and rush through the door.

As we walk away I look back and you’re still there. Still smiling. Watching me. Watching us. I think that I might never sleep through the night again.

Jul 9, 2009 at 10:23 am rating: +44

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- #9.1 T imo®
  
  “I work in furniture” is like a whore saying “I work in bedding”.
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 10:38 am rating: +22
- #9.2 Beth
  
  Last time I was in Nebraska Furniture Mart, I had seven different sales people ask if we needed help, all within a 20′x20′ space of couches.
  
  They should really give you a sticker that says, “I’ve been helped by ____. Thank you, though.”
  
  A big sticker. In a really obnoxious color. And the salesperson should give you a weapon in case other sales people approach you, in the guise of trying to help you keep your sanity, but really as a ploy to keep other hawks from stealing his/her prey.
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 10:44 am rating: +21
- #9.3 Ellehcor
  
  The Mart is the worst! At least you no longer have to fear getting run over by Mrs. B on her scooter.
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 2:51 pm rating: +2
- #9.4 KatieMB
  
  At least she was working, Claw.
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 3:44 pm rating: +4
- #9.5 fluffy8u
  
  I hate the NFM. When I took my mom to visit my sister in Kansas, we went to the Furniture Mart (my mom worked in furniture for nearly 20 years, completely into that stuff).
  
  “Wait till you see this!” My sister boasted to us. “It’s the size of two football fields! And the one in Nebraska is bigger! They have everything a coffee shop, TVs, CDs, kids’ beds, teen decor, EVERYTHING!! Mom, you’re going to love it! And it’s right across the street from the Barns & Noble, Fluffy! I know how much you like books!” I thought she was going to pee her pants just thinking about the stupid store.
  
  So we went in. Yes, it was big. We had a lot of things to cover and to save time “we” decided to bypass the beautiful electronics and head straight for the couches, the armoires, the oak finished four poster beds….
  
  Every two minuets someone came up to us and asked if we needed help (for the record I really wanted to say, “why, yes! I do need help. I seem to have a lamp up my butt. Can you get it out?” But my mother thought that was “too grotesque”. My sister said she’d lock me in a closet for the rest of the week if I embarrassed her). My mother would always answer some polite crap like “No, thank you!” and comment just how big the store was. “We don’t have anything like it in California!” And then she’d be off talking about how long she sold furniture, who she sold for, how big/expensive her employers were. If my mother wasn’t so painful to listen to, I would have taken solace in the fact that the sales rep. had a pained smile plastered on his/her face, then realizing she wasn’t going to buy anything (she never does).
  
  Two hours, we spent in that stupid store looking at wood and leather. They didn’t even take me to Barns & Noble afterward.
  So, yeah… I hate NFM.
  
  Jul 10, 2009 at 12:07 am rating: +4
- #9.6 GK
  
  “Every two minuets”? They had their own orchestra in the shop as well?
  
  Jul 10, 2009 at 2:21 am rating: +6
- #9.7 mamason
  
  Gee whiz fluffy, I kinda hate your mom and sister after that story.
  
  Jul 10, 2009 at 2:31 am rating: +2
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#10 T imo®

nothing to see here … move along.

Jul 9, 2009 at 10:35 am rating: +4

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- #10.1 fluffy8u
  
  Nothing to see here, show’s over, show’s… Oh my gosh! A horrible plane crash! Hey everybody, get a load of this flaming wreckage! Come on, crowd around, crowd around!
  
  Jul 10, 2009 at 12:19 am rating: +2
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#11 xs

By NOT making this note, they could have saved 75 cents in supplies and 3 cents in the creative department.

Jul 9, 2009 at 10:41 am rating: +12

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- #11.1 Geek Goddess
  
  If that is what their creative department comes up with, I can think of a way that they can save a whole lot more than 78 cents.
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 12:03 pm rating: +18
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#12 Beth

We used to get these sorts of “pep-talks” in the last (the *last!!!*) restaurant I worked in. There’d also usually be comments like, “If you don’t like the way we operate around here, go ahead and try to find a job at one of the other restaurants on this street” – the main restaurant strip in town – “they’re all going to be the same!”

If you put that in terms of a dating relationship, it would be classified as one of the classic signs of an abuser. In work terms, it was just asshole management.

There were also frequent complaints that two people couldn’t do the work of four people in the same amount of time. And if all but one of the back crew called in sick, the one person dumb enough to come in would get the joy of a ten hour shift with no breaks and no help from anybody else on duty, with the managers leaving before the dumb-bunny that came in.

I’m happy to note the company that owned the restaurant eventually lost their franchise contract and it got taken over by corporate.

Jul 9, 2009 at 10:53 am rating: +21

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#13 Bob Loblaw

Your 401k was delicious.

Thank you

Jul 9, 2009 at 10:53 am rating: +5

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- #13.1 Wordtinker doesnt smith
  
  They used real butter!
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 11:10 am rating: +5
- #13.2 ryanmalloy
  
  I can’t believe it’s not better.
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 3:10 pm rating: +6
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#14 what now

I’m thinking this sign wasn’t management’s doing at all, but one of Katrina’s clever, clever co-workers.

“Take away my 401k match, will you?!? Why that reminds me a hilarious poster I saw back at the sweatshop …”

Jul 9, 2009 at 10:58 am rating: +6

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- #14.1 someone
  
  I agree!
  
  But, it IS pretty funny to see the way people have reacted thinking it is real!!
  
  If people get all riled up about a passive-aggressive note then comment about it ANONYMOUSLY, what does that make them?
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 12:31 pm rating: 0
- #14.2 mamason
  
  Really awesome, that’s what!
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 1:12 pm rating: +12
- #14.3 T imo®
  
  They must be carnivores then.
  Hi Mamason! ##
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 1:18 pm rating: +5
- #14.4 anglophile
  
  If someone feels all superior to people getting all riled up about a passive-aggressive note then commenting about it ANONYMOUSLY, and then comments about it ANONYMOUSLY, what does that make them?
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 2:28 pm rating: +12
- #14.5 T imo®
  
  *raises hand*
  A chinless twat waddle?
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 2:48 pm rating: +11
- #14.6 mamason
  
  How do you make a chinless twat waddle?
  
  Hi Timo! *did you just pound me?… twice? sweeeet*
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 3:06 pm rating: +7
- #14.7 T imo®
  
  Happiness is a warm gun!
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 3:16 pm rating: +6
- #14.8 Beanster
  
  that song has been stuck in my head all the day long
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 10:17 pm rating: +2
- #14.9 T imo®
  
  Sorry!
  bang bang shoot shoot…when I hold you in my arms and put my finger on your trigger… ♫ ♪
  
  Jul 10, 2009 at 10:04 am rating: +2
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#15 Lose That Girl

Harsh, but true. So many people have been let go from their long-time jobs — just having a job is a bonus. Time to get back to work.

Jul 9, 2009 at 11:16 am rating: +2

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- #15.1 Phalange
  
  Wow, thanks for that bit of social commentary. Apparently you don’t follow your own damn advice since you’re posting in the middle of the fucking day. A job really isn’t a bonus since you usually need one to live.
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 1:41 pm rating: +19
- #15.2 thirty six red
  
  So jobless people just die? That must really suck!
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 4:03 pm rating: +8
- #15.3 Phalange
  
  Well, not instantaneously. I would imagine that eventually the starvation will do ya in though.
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 4:24 pm rating: +8
- #15.4 GK
  
  Hi Phalange! I’d like to introduce you to my little friend. His name is TIMEZONES.
  
  Jul 10, 2009 at 2:26 am rating: +7
- #15.5 gamergf
  
  And something called first, second, third, and graveyard shifts.
  
  Jul 10, 2009 at 9:25 am rating: +3
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#16 Kelly

This makes me appreciate my job’s incentive plan, where I do very little work and don’t get fired.

Jul 9, 2009 at 11:38 am rating: +8

reply to this comment
- #16.1 green mamba
  
  yeah, I love working for the state
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 4:03 pm rating: +4
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#17 claw71

If Katrina would show a little more skin, and perhaps help a few of her male customers test the structural integrity of the furniture from time to time she might generate enough revenue to keep management happy.

Jul 9, 2009 at 11:42 am rating: +4

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- #17.1 Kelly
  
  That was the plotline of the last Number 1 Ladies’ Detective Agency novel.
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 8:58 pm rating: 0
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#18 K

I wish my boss would hang that up at work. There are a few people that would benefit from seeing that!

Jul 9, 2009 at 12:33 pm rating: +2

reply to this comment
- #18.1 Wordtinker doesnt smith
  
  My boss wouldn’t – she doesn’t comprehend the definition of ‘work’
  
  then again – if she worked, I’d have to as well…
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 12:37 pm rating: +12
- #18.2 ryanmalloy
  
  Why would she need to know the definition of “work”?
  She is your boss after all.
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 2:59 pm rating: +1
- #18.3 Snippy
  
  A lot of us wish our bosses would “hang it up.”
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 5:08 pm rating: +1
- #18.4 fluffy8u
  
  Hang what up? The sign or a noose?
  
  Jul 10, 2009 at 12:48 am rating: +1
- #18.5 GK
  
  Maybe… maybe we could have both? Is that an option?
  
  Jul 10, 2009 at 2:29 am rating: +4
add to this thread
#19 Plinth

Another reason Americans are fat lazy wan lumps. They spend more time fretting over “what colour is my parachute?” than doing any actual work.
Put down the greasy fry up Katrina and cadge some punters into a hideous new bedroom suite. You might be surprised what doing actual work might do for your career.

Jul 9, 2009 at 1:03 pm rating: +2

reply to this comment
- #19.1 mamason
  
  You talk funny.
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 1:14 pm rating: +24
- #19.2 claw71
  
  You didn’t mention the primary reason American’s are “fat lazy wan lumps” (would it kill you to throw in a comma or two?) : We WON! What did we win? Well basically just about everything we’ve ever wanted.
  
  WWI? You’re welcome, everybody. Had it not been for the involvement of the USA You’d be eating German potato salad with your bangers instead of mash. Then, when you wimpy European couldn’t keep Germany from rising back into belligerent form, we bailed you out again in WW2.
  
  Who kept the Soviet Union from turning the balance of Europe into part of its republic? Oh yeah, the USA.
  
  Yes, we Americans are rude when we travel. We don’t respect customs and cultures. We take up 2 seats on the tram. We like big portions, relaxed fit pants and figure we’re all entitled to bypasses when we turn 40. We don’t always wipe thoroughly and even if we figure out how to work the bidet, we won’t use it because it’s just a wee bit intimate.
  
  Americans whine a lot. We expect more for less and believe inconvenience is a four letter word. Our actors are too lazy to be troubled with learning regional accents in our own country, which is why British actors have careers. You’re welcome for Cold Mountain too.
  
  Americans can’t even be troubled with the task of wrapping our minds around British humor so we recast and rewrite your shows to suit our audience. Then we DVR the episodes and skip through the commercials and the slow parts.
  
  All of this is because we are winners. Winners get to eat at the buffet and jerk off into satin top sheets. Losers live in Europe and bitch about it.
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 1:28 pm rating: +32
- #19.3 aaa
  
  Twenty bucks this dude is actually an American.
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 1:28 pm rating: +7
- #19.4 claw71
  
  I agree but it gave me a reason to go all Wal-Mart shopper on his ass.
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 1:41 pm rating: +21
- #19.5 Phalange
  
  Seriously, “cadge some punters”? Since you people invented the English language, you would think you’d be able to fucking speak it.
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 1:46 pm rating: +7
- #19.6 T imo®
  
  I have no idea what they are talking about. Hmmm and I don’t care.
  
  Claw ftw.
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 2:12 pm rating: +5
- #19.7 anglophile
  
  Day-um! How come now one ever told me I din’t have to work ’cause I’z ‘Merican? I feel like a real nincompoop now!
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 2:32 pm rating: +7
- #19.8 T imo®
  
  Hay Anglophile bring some of yer critters over and we can git ta swimmin in the ceeement pond!
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 2:47 pm rating: +5
- #19.9 ryanmalloy
  
  @19.2: Don’t mention the War!
  
  (especially not the one in Vietnam. Or Iraq.)
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 3:03 pm rating: +4
- #19.10 ryanmalloy
  
  @19.3: $20 American or Canadian?
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 3:44 pm rating: +2
- #19.11 Snippy
  
  @19 – Who’s been making our Wide Area Network lumpy?
  
  ["I don't know anything about networks -- and quit calling me "Lumpy"! My name is Clarence Rutherford!"]
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 5:13 pm rating: +4
- #19.12 noah
  
  But I love German potato salad.
  
  Jul 10, 2009 at 1:34 am rating: +2
- #19.13 mamason
  
  In Soviet Russia, German potato salad loves you!
  
  *I need sleep*
  
  Jul 10, 2009 at 2:36 am rating: +3
- #19.14 Canaduck
  
  Oooo, Americans scare me! The thought of people spelling “colour” or “favourite” without a “u” makes me wake up in the night and weep!
  
  Get over yourself, Plinth. I bet most of the people who voted claw71’s comment up were doing it just to piss you off.
  
  Jul 10, 2009 at 2:05 pm rating: +3
- #19.15 Canthz_B
  
  Oh my. Did someone compare WWI and WWII to Vietnam and Iraq in importance?
  
  Anyway, didn’t I read something about there being British troops in Iraq and Afghanistan?
  Canadian troops in Afghanistan?
  
  And, members of Canada’s top secret commando unit, Joint Task Force 2, had been in Iraq working in tandem with British troops.
  
  In short…if your troops are deployed abroad, don’t worry about our boys and girls, pray for your own to return home safely.
  
  Jul 11, 2009 at 5:33 am rating: +2
- #19.16 park rose
  
  Who knows what craziness has people in Afghanistan, Cb.
  
  I think the “If you’re not with us, you’re against us” argument put incredible pressure on the countries which do not possess the U.S.’s military or trade power, as seen by the demonization of both France and Germany when they protested joining the war effort. I am sure that they probably had trade reasons, or other reasons that were maybe hidden, or perhaps they thought the proposal to invade was unjust. Whoever knows a country’s true motives for invading another? Whatever, they were cast into the ‘enemy’ camp for protesting.
  
  I think it is a bit ~~disingeneus~~ disingenuous to say that all countries have equal political independence on the global playing field when it comes to involvement in Iraq and Afghanistan, particularly at the beginning of these incursions.
  
  Welcome back, by the way.
  
  Jul 11, 2009 at 7:18 am rating: +3
- #19.17 Canthz_B
  
  Crap. You’re basically saying that the US has the power to force other countries into a war they don’t want to be in.
  You may as well say that they are not sovereign states and don’t have the capacity to make their own decisions.
  Some, believe it or not, made a cold, hard policy choice to try to curry American favor (Poland, for example…nothing like helping out to get that coveted NATO acceptance) and didn’t need arm-twisting.
  God, I’m sick of the USA being cast as some sort of all-powerful puppet-master. Give other countries credit for making their own mistakes rather than blaming the US for them, will ya?
  Governments do what they think is in their national interest.
  
  BTW, not ALL Americans disagreed with the French and Germans or Hans Blix.
  
  Anyway, my point was, rose…pots should not call kettles black.
  
  Jul 11, 2009 at 12:23 pm rating: +1
- #19.18 MAMARILLA2
  
  If it hadn’t been for Afganistan, My oldest son would have never had the opportunity to taste such delacacies as rat and dog. He also had many opporunities to aquire the need to take Paxil and other similar anxiety relievers. Thank God he was regular Army, or he could have ended up where the real shooting was.
  
  Jul 11, 2009 at 12:36 pm rating: +2
- #19.19 Canthz_B
  
  Who you shitting, Mamarilla2?
  Dog maybe, but we know they can work with some rat in an Arkansas kitchen!
  
  Right you are, claw. Name the other country willing or able to pull off the Berlin Airlift. Anybody?
  Face it folks, we do the hard things, and when we are successful you praise us. If we fail, you deride us.
  
  But when you get in trouble, are you going to call Costa Rica, or the USA?
  
  “To whom much is given, much is expected.”
  
  Jul 11, 2009 at 12:59 pm rating: +4
- #19.20 MAMARILLA2
  
  Shhhh. Then every one will be here to eat.
  
  Jul 11, 2009 at 1:04 pm rating: +1
- #19.21 T imo®
  
  From JFK “We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard, because that goal will serve to organize and measure the best of our energies and skills, because that challenge is one that we are willing to accept, one we are unwilling to postpone, and one which we intend to win, and the others, too. ” -an oldie but a goodie!
  
  Jul 11, 2009 at 1:19 pm rating: +3
- #19.22 Canthz_B
  
  That it is T imo®, that it is.
  
  Jul 11, 2009 at 5:20 pm rating: +1
- #19.23 mamason
  
  For an atheist, you sure do quote the Bible a lot, CB.
  
  Jul 25, 2009 at 10:25 pm rating: 0
- #19.24 Canthz_B
  
  I’m a Secular Humanist, not an Atheist. I’m not against God, I don’t believe in a superior being to be against in the first place, quite frankly. But that doesn’t mean I have no schooling in religion.
  
  I love the lessons, I just don’t go in much for the mythology.
  
  Jul 25, 2009 at 10:39 pm rating: 0
add to this thread
#20 Sarah McDee

Must be pretty cramped working conditions working in furniture.

Jul 9, 2009 at 1:41 pm rating: +8

reply to this comment
- #20.1 Shadow Lurker
  
  The only thing that I’ve been trying to figure out is what kind of furniture she’s working in. A king size bed? In that case, I don’t want to hear her whining.
  
  Now, if she’s working in one of those little itty-bitty decorative tables – she has a complaint.
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 1:54 pm rating: +2
- #20.2 T imo®
  
  She was working in Fardmann Dresser’s. They are quite roomy.
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 2:08 pm rating: +3
- #20.3 Snippy
  
  @20.1 – Right. If she’s working in a king size bed, you want to hear her moaning — or at least faking it.
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 5:15 pm rating: +1
add to this thread
#21 Snayl

I guess a set of steak knives is out of the question?

Jul 9, 2009 at 2:21 pm rating: +4

reply to this comment
- #21.1 Snippy
  
  “Coffee is for clothiers!“
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 6:32 pm rating: +2
add to this thread
#22 Wordtinker doesnt smith

This JOB is a test, it is only a test.

Had it been an actual job, you would have recieved Raises, Bonuses, and Promotions.

“Did you ever expect a corporation to have a conscience, when it has no body to be kicked and no soul to be damned?”
Edmund Thurlow

Jul 9, 2009 at 2:35 pm rating: +10

reply to this comment
#23 fetchfox

Why does anyone feel as though they are _entitled_ to be given anything by a company?

Regardless of whether this note is genuine or not it raises the following questions for me.

I don’t understand why anyone would expect that a company should kiss your ass just for coming in and doing the job that you were hired to do?

Wouldn’t it be better if everyone made sacrifices so that more people could keep their jobs at a company than to make no sacrifices and play the layoff lottery?

Jul 9, 2009 at 3:03 pm rating: +1

reply to this comment
- #23.1 Phalange
  
  I don’t know if you’re naive or just gullible, but when a corporation tells you they need to cut 401k matching in order to avoid layoffs, what they really mean is they need to cut 401k matching so the CEO still gets his bonus.
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 3:10 pm rating: +30
- #23.2 GhostWriter
  
  …and they will still have layoffs, because they tried everything they could.
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 4:49 pm rating: +14
- #23.3 marx
  
  @23, yeah, I can see that being “better” if you’re the barony.
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 5:11 pm rating: +6
- #23.4 Canthz_B
  
  The Layoff Lottery? Has Michigan finally given up all pretense and stopped saying “MegaBucks”?
  
  Jul 11, 2009 at 5:32 pm rating: +1
add to this thread
#24 fetchfox

I’ve worked since I was sixteen and saved everything. I’ve lived on little more than $6000 a year and saved everything else. I own my home and pay cash for everything and I’m only thirty-five. I still save almost everything I earn.

Jul 9, 2009 at 3:31 pm rating: 0

reply to this comment
- #24.1 Mike Hawke
  
  blah blah blah I am a fatal bore!
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 3:45 pm rating: +17
- #24.2 KatieMB
  
  But can you sell furniture?
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 3:53 pm rating: +7
- #24.3 T imo®
  
  Can I interest you in this lovely Tempurpedicmagicfingerpostureffic Mattress ma’am?
  
  bouncy bouncy?
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 4:46 pm rating: +5
- #24.4 mamason
  
  Well, I have been working since I was 14 and I never saved a penny and I own my own home and eat three square meals every single day with snacks at 10:00 am and 4:00 pm even when vacationing at the shore while staying in a 5 star hotel that I pay for with my credit card which I pay off the entire balance every month so I have no money left over ever.
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 5:50 pm rating: +17
- #24.5 KatieMB
  
  @ #24.3 Why yes, sir. I am especially interested in the magic fingers feature. Can you demonstrate?
  
  Jul 9, 2009 at 6:09 pm rating: +5
- #24.6 fluffy8u
  
  I’ve been working since I, too, was fourteen and saved exactly half of my money. I blew my personal half on silly things like groceries, gas, electric. My mom fell into hardship so I spent my savings on our rent. Then I had no money. Then someone found out I was kinda brilliant. So they paid me lots of money to type all day long, get distracted, and procrastinate. Now someone’s offering me money to read books. Sure, I still live my mommy, have no boyfriend, get drunk before noon, and talk to the people in my head, but at least I have my money.
  
  What? I thought we were spilling our financial guts.
  
  Jul 10, 2009 at 1:12 am rating: +7
- #24.7 mamason
  
  How can I get a job like that? Would I have to move in with your mom, too? I’m willing.
  
  Jul 10, 2009 at 2:38 am rating: +3
- #24.8 Canthz_B
  
  fetchfox owns a home, but no mention of spouse or children…see what happens when you’re a cheap SOB?
  
  You can’t take it with you, fetchfox, may as well spend some of it while you’re here.
  Sounds like you can afford to get a life!
  
  Jul 11, 2009 at 5:36 pm rating: +2
add to this thread
#25 GhostWriter

You wanna take away my 401K? Ha!
(reaches into pocket to pull out three dollars)
Have It!

Jul 9, 2009 at 5:02 pm rating: +21

reply to this comment
#26 fluffy8u

Wait a minuet… you mean if we don’t actually work we’ll get fired?! So that’s why they fired me when I worked at the Hilton. Silly me, I thought it was because I was slandering Paris’ name at the hotel.

Jul 10, 2009 at 1:15 am rating: +1

reply to this comment
- #26.1 GK
  
  It’s not slander if it’s true!
  
  Jul 10, 2009 at 2:34 am rating: +8
- #26.2 nicky
  
  It is if she owns the hotel.
  
  Jul 10, 2009 at 3:19 am rating: +1
- #26.3 GK
  
  No, you’re an idiot. Furthermore, you’re ugly and you smell bad.
  
  Jul 10, 2009 at 4:50 am rating: +4
add to this thread
#27 conrad

True, she was only 18 at the time, but Liz Taylor thought I was all right. 18 year old Liz was all right, too. She Thought I smelled okay enough, and handsome enough to marry me, for a few years, anyway. She called me a cruel drunk later. Pot? Kettle? Now, that was slander. Or not really. Because I had the money and my family still had the hotels.

Jul 10, 2009 at 6:13 am rating: 0

reply to this comment
#28 thirty six red

Fired. You’re fired. I got fired. Yes very interesting background on the phrase…comes from early settlers in the american west. If you were dishonorable in your dealings and pissed off enough of those around you they would simply burn down your house to encourage you to live elsewhere. Much more than simply losing your job. Ahh the good old days…

Jul 10, 2009 at 9:27 am rating: 0

reply to this comment
#29 Party in my Pants

We need a new PAN… this one is beat to death!

Jul 10, 2009 at 9:36 am rating: 0

reply to this comment
#30 Guy Smiley

How about whoever wrote this grow a pair and tell the ones who are slacking off to their face instead of insulting the entire workforce in a blanket (and anonymous) statement, including the ones who may be working hard. Eff this jackass.

Jul 10, 2009 at 2:36 pm rating: +2

reply to this comment
#31 anon

Did someone say this is inappropriate already? Just making sure.

Seriously, how insensitive. Most people are on edge as it is. Way to show you’re dangling them on a string. I hope it was just some jack ass employee.

Jul 10, 2009 at 8:32 pm rating: +1

reply to this comment
#32 Jake

Well, at least they purtied the notice up a little…

Jul 11, 2009 at 12:39 am rating: 0

reply to this comment
#33 Tiara

My manager put this same note up (sans the stupid hi-lighter) and I wrote “or quit” underneath all of them. They were quitetly taken down the next day.

Jul 12, 2009 at 12:05 am rating: +2

reply to this comment
#34 Steve & Geraldine Patten

All our attitudes need to change as a result of this financial meltdown – people have to help themselves. We set up a completely free website to help anyone struggling right now.
http://www.hami2009.com it stands for (Help A Million people In 2009).
If we accept we need to be appropriately skilled to deal with this latest batch of challenges then maybe we can then all appreciate the joke.
I hope this is helpful.
Steve & Geraldine Patten

Jul 20, 2009 at 9:16 am rating: 0

reply to this comment

It’s all about communication. And toilet paper. (79)
- anglophile: “spin-off into only loosely-related tangent”
- Geek Goddess: “Nested comment”
- FeRD: [citation needed]
If you could summarize BYU culture in one note… (76)
- Lou Smith: Ah, passive aggressiveness… a staple of Mormon culture
- FeRD: Perhaps they don’t pay for drinks simply because they don’t want to be forced to interact with the...

painfully polite and hilariously hostile writings from shared spaces the world over

recession incentive plan

July 9th, 2009 · 159 comments

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