Let me stop you right there. Before you say anything else, have you consulted this sign, as spotted on the door of a souvenir shop by Angie in Seattle?
Or this one, as seen by Meghann outside a bar in San Francisco?
Well, then your questions will certainly be answered by my personal favorite, spotted by Jessie at a sandwich shop in Charlottesville, Virginia:
related: listing in now magazine’s adult classifieds? $70. revenge?
140 responses so far ↓
#1
Canthz_B
No. There’s nothing in your crappy souvenir shop worth buying, thanks for not asking.
Jul 16, 2009 at 9:04 am rating: +13
#2
DearJane
I might frequent that coffee shop more if there WERE prescription drugs in the water. Saves on buying them myself.
Jul 16, 2009 at 9:11 am rating: +31
#3
Canthz_B
My response to the question “Do you have an extra cigarette?” has always been: “No, only twenty came in this pack.”
Jul 16, 2009 at 9:12 am rating: +57
#4
QuarterRoy00
So that implies that there ARE prescription drugs in their unfiltered water….sweet
Jul 16, 2009 at 9:13 am rating: +5
#5
bullwinkle
The sandwich shop might want to reconsider their plan of mentally ill homeless and senile old people as their core clientele.
Jul 16, 2009 at 9:22 am rating: +3
#6
HorribleLicensePlates
Prescription drugs? That one came out of no where.
Jul 16, 2009 at 9:29 am rating: +1
#7
Andy
If only the cigarette denial was written as ornately as “The Alembic”… There would be hall of fame talk going on right now.
Jul 16, 2009 at 9:43 am rating: +4
#8
Meghan
I do appreciate the sign about the lemons. The slice/wedge restaurants serve in water glasses and iced teas are allegedly one of the dirtiest things you can eat. I never ask about it, but apparently there are some very concerned citizens in Charlottesville!
http://www.chickenmonkeydog.com
Jul 16, 2009 at 9:51 am rating: 0
#9
T imo®
Yes we have no bananas.
Jul 16, 2009 at 9:53 am rating: +13
#10
claw71
Say, do you happen to have any change for the, um, vending machine–yeah, that’s the ticket; the vending machine–do you have change for that?
Jul 16, 2009 at 9:58 am rating: +12
#11
Holiday Djinn
Given the price of cigarettes in California, I cannot imagine anybody bumming a cigarette to another person. Seriously, it is one thing to give a fellow a cigarette when the price of a pack is 2-4 bucks, it is another thing when you have to sign a loan documents to buy a pack.
They wash the lemons. However, their technique leaves much to be desired. One employee sticks it between their butt cheecks, while another uses their tongue to “scrub” them. Also they squeeze them until the juice runs down their leg.
Jul 16, 2009 at 10:02 am rating: +6
#12
park rose
Kind of off-topic, but this restaurant and sign is just a little further down from The Alembic:
Jul 16, 2009 at 10:11 am rating: +12
#13
Beth
The problem with signs like that in places of business is that the only people who comprehend them are the people the signs don’t apply to. The people who the signs do apply to are going to read the signs (maybe), then ask anyhow, just to be sure.
Jul 16, 2009 at 10:11 am rating: +10
#14
jenny h
What about over-the-counter drugs? I always like to cut my filtered water with a little Robitussin.
Jul 16, 2009 at 10:49 am rating: +4
#15
DearJane
Perhaps the prescription drugs could counteract any illnesses you might pick up from the lemons! Drink up, my friends!
Jul 16, 2009 at 11:09 am rating: +7
#16
claw71
Back when I used to smoke I was amazed at how many people felt OK about bumming a cigarette. Coworkers who claimed that they weren’t smokers were the worst, especially at those post-work happy hour gatherings.
Honestly, I felt better about handing a cigarette or two to the bums downtown. They couldn’t afford it and it got me off the hook for actually money. Back then I was spending about a buck a pack and sometimes less when I stocked up on cartons in Kentucky or West Virginia, one cigaratee wasn’t going to break me, but I hated handing cigarettes to people who looked down one me when they didn’t have three drinks int them.
My coworkers made enough money to afford their own smokes, they just didn’t want to buy a pack for fear of smoking it after they removed themselves from the social event that made it OK for them to puff away.
One day I got really angry and gouged out Ben’s eyes with a bottle I broke on thye edge of the bar. Debra screamed at me and told me I was overreacting so I smashed in her face with a stool. Then Tyler and Gary grabbed me and started dragging me outside. I pulled free and snapped Tyler’s arm like a twing. Then I drove the heel of my palm into Gary’s nose driving his septum into his frontal lobe. Then I grabbed a cue and ran Tyler through. I felt the tip break on his spine.
Peggy made a run for the pay phone by the restrooms and I ran after her, shoving the bartender aside. Before she could dial the third “1″ I was on her and I choked the life out of her with the metal encased phone cord. The bartender grabbed a shotgun from under the bar and took aim, but just as he did Sarah from customer service walked out of the restroom and I used her as a shield. One of the pellets grazed my shoulder but otherwise I was fine. I dropped Sarah to the floor and ran after the bartender who was fumbling with shells. I grabbed the double barrel just as he was about to snap it back together and beat him to a pulp with the stock.
Dave and Erica were still at our table, stunned. I pointed the shotgun at them but I didn’t pull the strigger. Dave and Erica were fellow smokers who brought their own cigarettes. We nodded at each other knowingly and killed everybody else at the bar.
To this day nobody knows what happened at Houlihans that night, 12 years ago. And if you fuckers know what’s good for you, nobody ever will.
Jul 16, 2009 at 11:25 am rating: +38
#17
Party in my Pants
I want to Party with claw. I will bring my own cigs.
Jul 16, 2009 at 11:37 am rating: +8
#18
Pants Go Brown
‘no we dont have change for the meter, thanks for not asking.’
two negatives make a positive right? so really, these fuckers DO have change for the meter and they DO want you to have it.
Ha, caught!
Jul 16, 2009 at 11:55 am rating: +1
#19
Asha
I used to work in a head shop and people would constantly come in to ask for change for the meter and to use our washroom. People get really snarky about it when you say no. It isn’t as if they were ever going to buy anything.
Jul 16, 2009 at 12:12 pm rating: +1
#20
aaa
So, does that mean it would be okay if there were over the counter or illegal drugs in the water?
Jul 16, 2009 at 12:19 pm rating: +3
#21
aaa
No. None of the cigarettes are extra. I do intend to smoke them all.
Jul 16, 2009 at 12:22 pm rating: +6
#22
TheWordWire
The last sign didn’t address whether or not they wash their hands after they squeeze their lemons, so I guess that question is fair game.
Jul 16, 2009 at 12:47 pm rating: +1
#23
Guy Smiley
Signs I will wear around my neck:
“No, I do not have money to spend in your trinket store. Well, OK, I do have money but no I won’t spend it here.”
Jul 16, 2009 at 1:39 pm rating: +1
#24
DearJane
you just know in the store with the anti-meter change post also has their store crammed with witty signs like “you break it, you buy it!” and “lovely to see, beautiful to behold, but if you break it, consider it sold!” Asshats.
Jul 16, 2009 at 2:05 pm rating: +5
#25
brentlyjoebob
if by” lemons”, you mean nostril hair and by “wash”, you mean dip them in your tea, then yes we do.
Jul 16, 2009 at 2:11 pm rating: +4
#26
GhostWriter
Extra Cigarettes?
..are those the ones that last an extra, Extra, EXTRA- LONG TIME?
Jul 16, 2009 at 2:36 pm rating: +2
#27
Supergringo
The Alembic is on Haight Street in SF, so I’m not surprised. I live in the N’hood and get hit up for cigarettes constantly… and I don’t smoke. I can share their frustration.
Jul 16, 2009 at 2:38 pm rating: 0
#28
GhostWriter
“Thanks for not asking.”
Why didn’t we ask? Well, because we needed the change to park the car, so instead we just drove by.
Jul 16, 2009 at 2:40 pm rating: +4
#29
Lindarama
Don’t waste those morning erections! Use them to juice lemons!
Jul 16, 2009 at 6:53 pm rating: 0
#30
Angelsfan09
I have a coworker who always trys and bum a smoke from everyone to the point we all hide our packs when we see her. We always say “this is my last one”. One day she asked for a ride into work. I had two smokes in my pack and she asked if she can have one. I told her I only had two. She said “I have some at the office”. So, I said okay. I gave her my last one. When I had my first break I went to ask her for one. She looked at her pack and said “I ony have 7 which will last me for the day”. I was hella pissed and stood there and said you smoked my last one. She finally said “FINE”. The nerve of some people!
From this day forward I now tell her “oh, I just got this pack. It’s enough to last me for the day”
She still is a moocher. She also is the one that invites herself to Happy Hours and use this line when it’s time to pay : “I only have a credit card. Can you put it on your card and I’ll go to the ATM to give you cash?”
I have yet to see the money and she has the nerves to invite herself again to happy hours. Everyone at work will not show up to happy hour when she is going so we have to lie to her.
Oh, and another thing is when she asks me for a ride imto work, she will ask me to drop her off after work to some place not even on my way home. Now I learned to say “I will drop you off where I picked you up. I’m not a Taxi”
Arrrgghhh!!!!
Okay I’m just too nice or just a sucker. I’m done venting. I’m off my soap box.
Jul 16, 2009 at 7:04 pm rating: +8
#31
chrys
For once I fount the extra exclamations appropriate.
Jul 16, 2009 at 9:47 pm rating: 0
#32
Chris
“Yes we wash our lemons!” would make a great T-shirt.
Jul 16, 2009 at 10:14 pm rating: +1
#33
Angelsfan09
What makes me laugh are the signs that the beggers on the streets have. They get creative.
I saw a guys who had a sign that said “Please help. My wife cheated on me and took the house and the dog. Need money for food and a good Lawyer”
Jul 17, 2009 at 12:59 am rating: +1
#34
someyoungguy
Also, if you stand up imn, …. oh gosh too drink to fuck,….. i only jave a couple minutes to edit this, what should I do? hello. May has well see if the clock, wait, theres no clock. Oh man never should have bought thay pink caddy, even though it was in her mother’s name, now im fucked
Jul 17, 2009 at 5:50 am rating: 0
#35
CanCan Kant
When it comes to cig bumming, cloves HAVE to be the worst. You light one up, and every kid who listened to The Cure in high school wants to revisit their “alternative” days. At $10 a pack, I don’t share them anymore. I used to not care that much, but it’s like you have a sign that says “cigarette dispenser” on your forehead. Enoughs enough. I even hate when people offer to pay for them. It just means I run out more quickly. If you LOVE them so much, go buy yer ass a pack!
Oh, and as far as the “don’t ask for change for the meter” thing goes. Well…I reserve the right to NOT shop in your shitty store or come to your shitty town. Some places have shit tons of meters and when I arrive by car, I rarely have $10 in change in my pockets/purse. You want to bitch slap them for being snippish about giving change (sometimes even when you buy something, for God’s sake). It’s like they’re saying that they can’t be bothered to help people who are shopping in their area find a place to park and oh yeah, spend money there. Duh.
Jul 17, 2009 at 9:50 am rating: +3
#36
jenny h
I’m about to write a passive-aggressive note about why there is not a new passive-aggressive note for the day. What method should I employ?
Jul 17, 2009 at 4:17 pm rating: 0
#37
flying fish
ok, eewwww. I am never drinking water or eating any food, ever again.
Jul 17, 2009 at 5:06 pm rating: 0
#38
carrepossesseion
I wish getting over a broken heart can be so easy as following a few steps.. but its not…
Sep 9, 2009 at 1:42 pm rating: 0
#39
carrepossesseion
I don’t usually reply to posts but I will in this case.
Sep 11, 2009 at 9:31 pm rating: 0
#40
usedcarauction
good good…this post deserves nothing
…hahaha just joking 
…nice post 
Sep 12, 2009 at 9:03 am rating: 0
#41
TrofDieroit
Thank you for great post!
Sep 27, 2009 at 9:44 am rating: 0
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