Thanks for not asking

July 16th, 2009 · 140 comments

Let me stop you right there. Before you say anything else, have you consulted this sign, as spotted on the door of a souvenir shop by Angie in Seattle?

No, we do not have change for the meter. Thanks for not asking

Or this one, as seen by Meghann outside a bar in San Francisco?

NO, I DON'T HAVE AN EXTRA CIGARETTE!

Well, then your questions will certainly be answered by my personal favorite, spotted by Jessie at a sandwich shop in Charlottesville, Virginia:

YES, WE WASH OUR LEMONS!!! NO, THERE ARE NO PRESCRIPTION DRUGS IN OUR FILTERED WATER!!!

related: Listing in NOW Magazine’s adult classifieds? $70. Revenge?

FILED UNDER: "customer service" · Charlottesville · exclamation-point happy!!!! · San Francisco · Seattle · thanks (but not really) · Virginia


140 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Canthz_B bang

    No. There’s nothing in your crappy souvenir shop worth buying, thanks for not asking.

    Jul 16, 2009 at 9:04 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

     
  • #2   DearJane

    I might frequent that coffee shop more if there WERE prescription drugs in the water. Saves on buying them myself.

    Jul 16, 2009 at 9:11 am   rating: 33  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   Tennesee Robyn

      I might frequent that coffee shop more if there were non-prescription drugs in the water. Bottoms up!

      Jul 16, 2009 at 11:45 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #3   Canthz_B bang

    My response to the question “Do you have an extra cigarette?” has always been: “No, only twenty came in this pack.”

    Jul 16, 2009 at 9:12 am   rating: 61  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   Adam S

      When I smoked, my response used to be “Yes, I do. Thank you for checking in!” and continue walking.

      Jul 16, 2009 at 11:35 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.2   GhostWriter bang

      When I was smokin’, my response used to be “Begone you overexcited slot machine!” and continue easin’ on down the road.

      Jul 16, 2009 at 2:49 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.3   Sue Do Nim

      When I smoked, my response was, “No, I was planning on smoking them all.”

      Jul 16, 2009 at 5:53 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.4   michelle

      if someone asked for a ‘spare cigarette’, my response would be… “define ‘spare’”?

      Jul 18, 2009 at 12:50 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.5   oi bang

      somebody asks me for a spare cigarette my response would be, No. End of conversation.

      Jul 18, 2009 at 2:33 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   QuarterRoy00 bang

    So that implies that there ARE prescription drugs in their unfiltered water….sweet

    Jul 16, 2009 at 9:13 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   Joe bang

      I know you’re trying to be funny, but that actually was a big deal in the news last year in the DC area. They found trace amounts of various prescription medications in the drinking water. They suspect it might have been from people flushing unused pills, but I don’t know if that was the certified, official explanation.

      Pretty frightening.

      link: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/story/2008/03/09/ST2008030901877.html

      P.S. The lemon comment was also in response to a big news item about restaurants serving water with lemon wedges — and finding that the lemons were quite filthy with bacteria and even fecal matter.

      link: http://www.snopes.com/medical/toxins/lemon.asp

      Jul 16, 2009 at 9:35 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.2   Wade bang

      Oh, it’s better than that. Every time someone takes medication in any form, some of it is not metabolized and “passes through” into the sewage system, which is not set up to filter it out (and by the way, neither is the restaurant’s water filtering system).

      So maybe the hallucinogens in fecal mist are responsible for some of these crazy passive-aggressive notes.

      Jul 16, 2009 at 9:44 am   rating: 39  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.3   Joe bang

      Yeah, I figured that some of the drugs we take would be passed by our bodies as well. So, we get drugs from the water and from the fecal mist on the lemons. Yummy!

      Jul 16, 2009 at 9:47 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.4   Junebug

      True, no need to put Prozac in the water to cheer up the masses because it is already there. That and female hormone replacements…

      Jul 16, 2009 at 10:05 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.5   Phalange

      Who else thinks that Viagra water is an awesome idea? Boners for everyone!!!!

      Jul 16, 2009 at 11:17 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.6   oi!

      damn it! I know how filthy fastfood/ out side food is. no need to spell that!

      Jul 16, 2009 at 11:34 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.7   aaa

      Supposedly the thing is that people pee out the remnants of prescription drugs that their bodies don’t use. This goes into the water supply and people unknowingly drink the traces of drugs. Supposedly sperm counts are dropping all over because of all the unused birth control women are peeing out. Supposedly.

      Jul 16, 2009 at 12:34 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.8   oi!

      And male fish are turning into female ones.

      Jul 16, 2009 at 12:40 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.9   aaa

      Dichogamy would be more exciting if it weren’t part of their natural reproductive strategy. Although some fish do the protogyny thing, too. But then again, I always found wrasses to be far more exciting than those protoandrous clownfish.

      Jul 16, 2009 at 12:53 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.10   anglophile bang

      Darn. No boner for me. I always miss out on the good stuff. :|

      Jul 16, 2009 at 12:57 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.11   T imo® bang

      even lady boners?

      Jul 16, 2009 at 2:18 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.12   anglophile bang

      Pure as the driven snow.

      More’s the pity.

      Jul 16, 2009 at 2:53 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.13   Canthz_B bang

      Really, Honey! We don’t need condoms any longer. I had a huge glass of tap water today!

      Jul 16, 2009 at 8:22 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.14   GK bang

      If you flush with the lid up, fecal mist flies out of the toilet through the house, looking for a toothbrush to land on. If it can’t find one, it instead homes in on the nearest lemon.

      Researchers are currently attempting to determine what a fecal mist particle will do if it can’t find either a toothbrush or a lemon. It’s an exciting time for the field of dynamical poop mechanics.

      Jul 17, 2009 at 5:25 am   rating: 31  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.15   unbalancedlibran

      How does the sewerage end up in your filtered drinking water?????

      Jul 17, 2009 at 7:00 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.16   GK bang

      …Do you understand anything about how water utilities function? Did you think used water just gets stored in huge tanks somewhere and never used ever again? It gets cleaned and re-pumped.

      Jul 17, 2009 at 7:48 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.17   Canthz_B bang

      This is a job for Super Mark!!

      Yes, Super Mark, strange being involved in waste management…

      Jul 17, 2009 at 8:39 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.18   GK bang

      turns on a searchlight, flashing the Poop-Signal across the clouds

      Jul 17, 2009 at 8:48 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.19   GhostWriter bang

      Hold on, I wanna go back to the accusation, “…Do you understand anything about how water utilities function?

      Answer: No, but I do know that picking up the Orange and Red properties will beat your utilities (and railroads) every time.

      Jul 17, 2009 at 9:03 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.20   tbunnyacox

      yeah, as stephen colbert put it, you’re all drinking lady pee

      Jul 17, 2009 at 10:07 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.21   Saysh bang

      Actually Ghost Writer – that’d be the green and blue properties…

      Jul 18, 2009 at 4:37 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.22   MAMARILLA2 bang

      Just leave the purple ones alone.

      Jul 18, 2009 at 9:48 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.23   Canthz_B bang

      I love snagging Baltic and Mediterranean and popping hotels on them (only $500).
      Nothing like collecting someone else’s $200 each time they pass go!

      Jul 18, 2009 at 7:22 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   bullwinkle

    The sandwich shop might want to reconsider their plan of mentally ill homeless and senile old people as their core clientele.

    Jul 16, 2009 at 9:22 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #6   HorribleLicensePlates

    Prescription drugs? That one came out of no where.

    Jul 16, 2009 at 9:29 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #7   Andy

    If only the cigarette denial was written as ornately as “The Alembic”… There would be hall of fame talk going on right now.

    Jul 16, 2009 at 9:43 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   park rose

      Talk of Hall of Shame Cigarette denial going on though.
      The characters:
      *Monica Lewinsky,
      *Bill “I did not have sexual relations with that woman” Clinton, and
      *Crocodile Dundee (all rolled into one – boom-boom).

      Monica: Bill, that’s not a cigarette…

      Bill: Close, but no cigar…

      Dundee (looks disdainfully at Clinton’s Gurkha Grand Reserve Cigar) : Cigar, call that a cigar?

      Monica: I’d call it a cigar…

      Bill: It’s a cigarette…and there’s more where that came from, baby.

      Dundee (pulls out a Cuaba Diademas Cigar which is a monster in size and strength ): That’s a cigar…

      Bill: Who is this woman?

      (to be continued)

      Jul 16, 2009 at 10:45 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.2   se

      define “is”

      Jul 16, 2009 at 11:02 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.3   GK bang

      is, v. /iz/: 3rd person singular present indicative form of BE. Latin: est

      Jul 17, 2009 at 5:30 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #8   Meghan

    I do appreciate the sign about the lemons. The slice/wedge restaurants serve in water glasses and iced teas are allegedly one of the dirtiest things you can eat. I never ask about it, but apparently there are some very concerned citizens in Charlottesville!

    http://www.chickenmonkeydog.com

    Jul 16, 2009 at 9:51 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   claw71 bang

      Most people don’t eat the lemon wedge, but even if they did I have to challenge your assertion that it’s one of the dirtiest things you can eat. Especially if your sandwich artist spent the five minutes prior to you walking in scrachting his butthole, which was itching badly because he didn’t wipe so well after his 10:45 movement.

      Jul 16, 2009 at 10:05 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.2   blue-eyes

      Maybe it was all the prescription meds that made his ass so itchy. It’s a vicious cycle.

      Jul 16, 2009 at 10:28 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.3   Meghan

      http://www.thefreelibrary.com/Microbial+flora+on+restaurant+beverage+lemon+slices.(FEATURES)(Author…-a0172839589

      Here’s a study on lemons in restaurants.

      Jul 16, 2009 at 10:42 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #9   T imo® bang

    Yes we have no bananas.

    Jul 16, 2009 at 9:53 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   KatieMB

      Liar.

      Jul 16, 2009 at 1:36 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.2   T imo® bang

      I have always been partial to your melons.

      Jul 16, 2009 at 2:20 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.3   KatieMB

      I’ve always been partial to what you do to them.

      Jul 16, 2009 at 6:43 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.4   Snippy

      “Attention, shoppers, we’re having a special today on melon ballers…”

      Jul 16, 2009 at 7:36 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.5   KatieMB

      Oh Snippy-dew….

      Jul 16, 2009 at 9:14 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.6   jackie31337 bang

      I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts.

      Jul 17, 2009 at 6:07 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.7   MAMARILLA2 bang

      Meat and 2 veg., Twig and berries?

      Jul 18, 2009 at 9:51 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.8   Canthz_B bang

      DAAAAY-O!!!

      Jul 18, 2009 at 7:25 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #10   claw71 bang

    Say, do you happen to have any change for the, um, vending machine–yeah, that’s the ticket; the vending machine–do you have change for that?

    Jul 16, 2009 at 9:58 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

     
  • #11   Holiday Djinn

    Given the price of cigarettes in California, I cannot imagine anybody bumming a cigarette to another person. Seriously, it is one thing to give a fellow a cigarette when the price of a pack is 2-4 bucks, it is another thing when you have to sign a loan documents to buy a pack.

    They wash the lemons. However, their technique leaves much to be desired. One employee sticks it between their butt cheecks, while another uses their tongue to “scrub” them. Also they squeeze them until the juice runs down their leg.

    Jul 16, 2009 at 10:02 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   NewMoon bang

      Squeeze me, babe, ’till the juice runs down my leg
      Do, squeeze, squeeze me, baby, until the juice runs down my leg
      The wayyou squeeze my lemon-a
      I’m gonna fall right outta bed, ‘ed, ‘ed, bed, yeah

      Jul 16, 2009 at 11:55 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.2   BrookeDiz

      Cigarettes are cheaper in CA than they are in Michigan. My first stop after leaving SFO is the nearby Costco.

      Jul 18, 2009 at 9:46 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.3   Car RamRod

      Dont complain about cigarette prices if you’re paying less than 10 dollars a pack like in Brooklyn.

      Jul 22, 2009 at 1:05 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #12   park rose

    Kind of off-topic, but this restaurant and sign is just a little further down from The Alembic:

    The Bulimic:
    No, now that you bring it up, there are no calories, in our lunches.
    Yes, we have extra servings.

    Jul 16, 2009 at 10:11 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

     
  • #13   Beth

    The problem with signs like that in places of business is that the only people who comprehend them are the people the signs don’t apply to. The people who the signs do apply to are going to read the signs (maybe), then ask anyhow, just to be sure.

    Jul 16, 2009 at 10:11 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   park rose

      Life is demanding,
      Without understanding

      Jul 16, 2009 at 10:14 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #14   jenny h

    What about over-the-counter drugs? I always like to cut my filtered water with a little Robitussin.

    Jul 16, 2009 at 10:49 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   Canthz_B bang

      I’ll have a ‘Tussin-tini please barkeep!

      Jul 16, 2009 at 8:15 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.2   agatha christie

      With a Sudafed chaser, of course.

      Jul 16, 2009 at 11:55 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.3   Mark bang

      One “Flaming Moe” coming right up!

      Jul 20, 2009 at 6:35 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #15   DearJane

    Perhaps the prescription drugs could counteract any illnesses you might pick up from the lemons! Drink up, my friends!

    Jul 16, 2009 at 11:09 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   unbalancedlibran

      see, there’s balance in everything

      Jul 17, 2009 at 7:02 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #16   claw71 bang

    Back when I used to smoke I was amazed at how many people felt OK about bumming a cigarette. Coworkers who claimed that they weren’t smokers were the worst, especially at those post-work happy hour gatherings.

    Honestly, I felt better about handing a cigarette or two to the bums downtown. They couldn’t afford it and it got me off the hook for actually money. Back then I was spending about a buck a pack and sometimes less when I stocked up on cartons in Kentucky or West Virginia, one cigaratee wasn’t going to break me, but I hated handing cigarettes to people who looked down one me when they didn’t have three drinks int them.

    My coworkers made enough money to afford their own smokes, they just didn’t want to buy a pack for fear of smoking it after they removed themselves from the social event that made it OK for them to puff away.

    One day I got really angry and gouged out Ben’s eyes with a bottle I broke on thye edge of the bar. Debra screamed at me and told me I was overreacting so I smashed in her face with a stool. Then Tyler and Gary grabbed me and started dragging me outside. I pulled free and snapped Tyler’s arm like a twing. Then I drove the heel of my palm into Gary’s nose driving his septum into his frontal lobe. Then I grabbed a cue and ran Tyler through. I felt the tip break on his spine.

    Peggy made a run for the pay phone by the restrooms and I ran after her, shoving the bartender aside. Before she could dial the third “1″ I was on her and I choked the life out of her with the metal encased phone cord. The bartender grabbed a shotgun from under the bar and took aim, but just as he did Sarah from customer service walked out of the restroom and I used her as a shield. One of the pellets grazed my shoulder but otherwise I was fine. I dropped Sarah to the floor and ran after the bartender who was fumbling with shells. I grabbed the double barrel just as he was about to snap it back together and beat him to a pulp with the stock.

    Dave and Erica were still at our table, stunned. I pointed the shotgun at them but I didn’t pull the strigger. Dave and Erica were fellow smokers who brought their own cigarettes. We nodded at each other knowingly and killed everybody else at the bar.

    To this day nobody knows what happened at Houlihans that night, 12 years ago. And if you fuckers know what’s good for you, nobody ever will.

    Jul 16, 2009 at 11:25 am   rating: 41  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   T imo® bang

      Flare this motherfuckers!!!

      Jul 16, 2009 at 2:23 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.2   oi!

      here you go…….

      ♩ kill the fucking enemy
      Burn, burn, burn the mother fucker to the ground ♩

      Jul 16, 2009 at 2:37 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.3   Canthz_B bang

      The roof! The roof! The roof is on fire! We don’t need no water, let the muthafucka burn!

      Jul 16, 2009 at 8:12 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.4   snee

      point to CB. muthafucka trumps mother fucker.

      Jul 16, 2009 at 10:49 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.5   GK bang

      B

      Good concept, but a little more insight into the protagonist’s state of mind would help it flow better. Also, you need to remember to check your spelling; we’ve discussed this previously in class.

      Jul 17, 2009 at 5:58 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.6   Canthz_B bang

      The spelling is G-hetto perfect. Trust a Brotha on this! ;-)

      Jul 17, 2009 at 8:43 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.7   Firefly

      Aaah, the joys of “social smokers”.Quite happy to berate you for poisoning your lungs (no longer able to accuse you of poisoning THEIR lungs as us antisocial smokers have to huddle outside) until they have a couple of pints and suddenly want you to ‘tap us a fag’. I’m tempted to become a “social begger” and demand money from people once I’ve had a few drinks. Or sweeties. “I only do it when I drink, so there’s no point in buying my OWN sweets/getting my OWN money”.
      I might emply Claw’s method next time…

      Jul 17, 2009 at 12:17 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.8   Jinx

      Tapping a fag sounds like something that invovles more health risks than smoking, drinking the water, and eating the lemon slice combined.

      Jul 17, 2009 at 5:46 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.9   Canthz_B bang

      So, you have a smoke after you tap a fag, right?

      Jul 18, 2009 at 3:41 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.10   MAMARILLA2 bang

      *Lights a dog end and glances around*

      Jul 19, 2009 at 10:28 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.11   Car RamRod

      I never had a problem giving my buddies cigarettes, assuming they actually were my friends. I can relate to both sides here as I have been a full time smoker for many years, but now I’m in the army and a full-time smoking habit is not conducive to physical fitness. However, on rare, drunken occasions I am known to request a smoke from a friend at the bar, but I feel fucking justified considering the cartons worth I have bummed out in the past. I never was one to give a bum a cigarette though, or anything for that matter other than some hateful speech to make him feel even worse about his situation or perhaps a swift kick in the ass in front of a passing bus to end his misery. I’ll sooner give my first born to someone I’m actually friends with than to give a lousy penny to some degenerate wino who feels I owe him something because he failed at life. The only exception to this rule is the occasional bum who happens to be more of a street performer, with a joke or song or even a clever sign. Then they cease to be a parasitic bottom feeder and become a source of entertainment and therefore gainfully self-employed, though in an unorthodox manner. The notable examples I can recall are a man who goes by the ‘poet of the upper west side’, a man requesting donations for the united negro pizza fund, and a man with a sign reading “Ninjas killed my family, need money for Kung Fu lessons.” All men well deserving of my hard earned dollar.

      Jul 22, 2009 at 1:17 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #17   Party in my Pants

    I want to Party with claw. I will bring my own cigs.

    Jul 16, 2009 at 11:37 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

     
  • #18   Pants Go Brown

    ‘no we dont have change for the meter, thanks for not asking.’

    two negatives make a positive right? so really, these fuckers DO have change for the meter and they DO want you to have it.

    Ha, caught!

    Jul 16, 2009 at 11:55 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   Fresca

      Fail at comprehending double negatives.

      Jul 16, 2009 at 2:03 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.2   jackie31337 bang

      Actually, what they’re guilty of is a comma splice. If they had just made it two separate sentences, the meaning would have been clear.

      Jul 17, 2009 at 6:10 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #19   Asha

    I used to work in a head shop and people would constantly come in to ask for change for the meter and to use our washroom. People get really snarky about it when you say no. It isn’t as if they were ever going to buy anything.

    Jul 16, 2009 at 12:12 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #19.1   Canthz_B bang

      I was at Blockbuster Video some 8 or 9 years ago and asked to use a restroom.
      They said they didn’t have one, so I asked if the employees had to hold it for 8 hours.
      They still didn’t let me use their restroom, so I put my movies on the counter along with my Blockbuster card.
      They haven’t seen a dime of mine since.

      I wonder if the piss stain is still on their back door?

      Jul 16, 2009 at 8:06 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.2   snee

      i tried to make a piss stain on a back door once.

      when i jumped up and thrusted, i lost my balance. caught my knees on my knickers and rolled down the alley, a ball of bare-ass, elbows, and wet sneakers.

      Jul 16, 2009 at 10:43 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.3   Canthz_B bang

      Nice try, snee. But it takes a man to stand and deliver!

      Jul 17, 2009 at 8:46 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.4   MAMARILLA2 bang

      Darlin, you got to prop your leg up on the wall, Just like doin’ a alleyway business transaction.

      Jul 19, 2009 at 1:17 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #20   aaa

    So, does that mean it would be okay if there were over the counter or illegal drugs in the water?

    Jul 16, 2009 at 12:19 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #21   aaa

    No. None of the cigarettes are extra. I do intend to smoke them all.

    Jul 16, 2009 at 12:22 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #22   TheWordWire

    The last sign didn’t address whether or not they wash their hands after they squeeze their lemons, so I guess that question is fair game.

    Jul 16, 2009 at 12:47 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #23   Guy Smiley

    Signs I will wear around my neck:

    “No, I do not have money to spend in your trinket store. Well, OK, I do have money but no I won’t spend it here.”

    Jul 16, 2009 at 1:39 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #23.1   jackie31337 bang

      I think “No. Fuck off!” would cover just about anything.

      Jul 17, 2009 at 6:12 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #24   DearJane

    you just know in the store with the anti-meter change post also has their store crammed with witty signs like “you break it, you buy it!” and “lovely to see, beautiful to behold, but if you break it, consider it sold!” Asshats.

    Jul 16, 2009 at 2:05 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #24.1   snee

      bought an asshat once at disneyland.

      Jul 16, 2009 at 10:44 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.2   agatha christie

      Did you get it embroidered with your name?

      Jul 16, 2009 at 11:58 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #25   brentlyjoebob bang

    if by” lemons”, you mean nostril hair and by “wash”, you mean dip them in your tea, then yes we do.

    Jul 16, 2009 at 2:11 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #26   GhostWriter bang

    Extra Cigarettes?
    ..are those the ones that last an extra, Extra, EXTRA- LONG TIME?

    Jul 16, 2009 at 2:36 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #27   Supergringo

    The Alembic is on Haight Street in SF, so I’m not surprised. I live in the N’hood and get hit up for cigarettes constantly… and I don’t smoke. I can share their frustration.

    Jul 16, 2009 at 2:38 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #27.1   KatieMB

      So.. .ah…. you’re saying you can’t spare a smoke?

      *dang*

      Jul 16, 2009 at 6:48 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.2   secondsout bang

      Exactly! Haight Street draws the tourists in with the visions of “Summer of Love” hippie imagery. But really, the weed and free love left a long time ago, to be replaced by the gutter punks, trustafarians and tweakers. The sort of young punks who panhandle, and actually yell at you if you don’t give them money. I saw a guy once say, “sorry,” and the girl shouted at him, “Sorry! Sorry is a game by Milton Bradley!”

      Not surprising that the patrons at Alembic get panhandled for smokes all the time.

      Jul 17, 2009 at 12:39 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.3   anglophile bang

      I also can’t spare a pre-natal vitamin, sorry hippie girl I saw on Haight last month. Maybe you should, like, go to Planned Parenthood or something.

      Jul 17, 2009 at 2:09 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.4   Canthz_B bang

      Yo, watchu need, baby? I got dat Prenate. Got dat Natafort…you ain’t 5-Oh, is ya?

      Jul 18, 2009 at 3:54 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.5   TP

      The joke is on the panhandling wench, for it would have taken a game geek such as myself to spit back, “It’s Parker Brothers, you twit, and hey did they ever get that embedded piece of coat hanger out of your skull?”

      Jul 24, 2009 at 5:37 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #28   GhostWriter bang

    “Thanks for not asking.”

    Why didn’t we ask? Well, because we needed the change to park the car, so instead we just drove by.

    Jul 16, 2009 at 2:40 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #29   Lindarama

    Don’t waste those morning erections! Use them to juice lemons!

    Jul 16, 2009 at 6:53 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #29.1   T imo® bang

      That is all well and good until you hit a seed then no one’s laughing!

      Jul 17, 2009 at 9:51 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #30   Angelsfan09

    I have a coworker who always trys and bum a smoke from everyone to the point we all hide our packs when we see her. We always say “this is my last one”. One day she asked for a ride into work. I had two smokes in my pack and she asked if she can have one. I told her I only had two. She said “I have some at the office”. So, I said okay. I gave her my last one. When I had my first break I went to ask her for one. She looked at her pack and said “I ony have 7 which will last me for the day”. I was hella pissed and stood there and said you smoked my last one. She finally said “FINE”. The nerve of some people!

    From this day forward I now tell her “oh, I just got this pack. It’s enough to last me for the day”

    She still is a moocher. She also is the one that invites herself to Happy Hours and use this line when it’s time to pay : “I only have a credit card. Can you put it on your card and I’ll go to the ATM to give you cash?”

    I have yet to see the money and she has the nerves to invite herself again to happy hours. Everyone at work will not show up to happy hour when she is going so we have to lie to her.

    Oh, and another thing is when she asks me for a ride imto work, she will ask me to drop her off after work to some place not even on my way home. Now I learned to say “I will drop you off where I picked you up. I’m not a Taxi”

    Arrrgghhh!!!!

    Okay I’m just too nice or just a sucker. I’m done venting. I’m off my soap box.

    Jul 16, 2009 at 7:04 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #30.1   Eva

      A sucker. period.

      Jul 16, 2009 at 7:21 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #30.2   Canthz_B bang

      I hate to quote Nancy Reagan but…”Just say no!”

      Why lie about it? I buy cigarettes for my use. I’m not a charity, so I’m entitled to say no. Especially at over $60 a carton. Fuck ‘em. If they can’t buy their own it’s time they kicked the habit.

      Jul 16, 2009 at 7:57 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #30.3   Mike

      I don’t smoke, but I could see this getting really annoying fast.
      I mean, I don’t buy two hamburgers so that I can give one to somebody who forgot their lunch money…

      Jul 16, 2009 at 9:03 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #30.4   GK bang

      Right. You buy two hamburgers because you’re a fat blob.

      Jul 17, 2009 at 6:05 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #30.5   aaa

      (Honoes! It’s time for another Douchey Ex-Roommates story! *insert fanfare here*)

      Reminds me of the numerous times Douchey Ex-Roommates (I should really start abbreviating that or something.) would want to sample my expensive f0reign food (The times I said yes, they would keep “sampling” it…) and only offer me a swig out of their spit-laden tangerine juice (or nothing) in return.

      Douchebags.

      Jul 17, 2009 at 10:30 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #30.6   MAMARILLA2 bang

      Buy the bottom of the barrel, floor sweepings, $1.50 a pack cigs to keep just to give to the ones who always ask for the extra cig. They usually don’t ask more than a couple of times unless they are really bums and don’t care.

      Jul 19, 2009 at 1:22 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #31   chrys

    For once I fount the extra exclamations appropriate.

    Jul 16, 2009 at 9:47 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #32   Chris

    “Yes we wash our lemons!” would make a great T-shirt.

    Jul 16, 2009 at 10:14 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #32.1   snee bang

      I WANT ONE!

      it would complement my ‘But danger.’ tee nicely.

      Jul 16, 2009 at 11:05 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #33   Angelsfan09

    What makes me laugh are the signs that the beggers on the streets have. They get creative.

    I saw a guys who had a sign that said “Please help. My wife cheated on me and took the house and the dog. Need money for food and a good Lawyer”

    Jul 17, 2009 at 12:59 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #33.1   Wade bang

      There used to be a guy in DC whose sign read:

      “I’m not gonna lie. I need money for a beer.”

      Jul 17, 2009 at 9:05 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #33.2   Canthz_B bang

      Yeah, but I’m working now.

      Many thanks for your generous past contributions to the cause!

      Jul 17, 2009 at 9:12 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #33.3   GK bang

      I wonder if anybody ever upended a bottle of beer into his money-collecting hat?

      Jul 17, 2009 at 9:22 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #33.4   Eva

      My favorite sign ever for money is

      “Family Kidnapped By Ninjas
      Need $ 4 Karate Lessons”

      http://www.dirtybutton.com/media/db1349-family-kidnapped-by-ninjas.jpg

      Jul 17, 2009 at 9:23 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #33.5   Mishee™ bang

      anglophile, Mark, amy d, and myself got asked for $2 at Haight & Ashbury because… and I quote…

      “So I can buy a $40 sack instead of a $38 sack…”

      If I’d had the $2 I would’ve ponied up… darn hippies are just so cute sometimes…

      Jul 17, 2009 at 10:03 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #34   someyoungguy

    Also, if you stand up imn, …. oh gosh too drink to fuck,….. i only jave a couple minutes to edit this, what should I do? hello. May has well see if the clock, wait, theres no clock. Oh man never should have bought thay pink caddy, even though it was in her mother’s name, now im fucked

    Jul 17, 2009 at 5:50 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #34.1   GK bang

      Somebody drank the filtered water.

      Jul 17, 2009 at 6:06 am   rating: 17  small thumbs up

       
    • #34.2   Canthz_B bang

      I don’t think you’re fucked.
      In fact I doubt you’ve been fucked for quite some time…at least not in English!

      Jul 17, 2009 at 8:49 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #35   CanCan Kant

    When it comes to cig bumming, cloves HAVE to be the worst. You light one up, and every kid who listened to The Cure in high school wants to revisit their “alternative” days. At $10 a pack, I don’t share them anymore. I used to not care that much, but it’s like you have a sign that says “cigarette dispenser” on your forehead. Enoughs enough. I even hate when people offer to pay for them. It just means I run out more quickly. If you LOVE them so much, go buy yer ass a pack!

    Oh, and as far as the “don’t ask for change for the meter” thing goes. Well…I reserve the right to NOT shop in your shitty store or come to your shitty town. Some places have shit tons of meters and when I arrive by car, I rarely have $10 in change in my pockets/purse. You want to bitch slap them for being snippish about giving change (sometimes even when you buy something, for God’s sake). It’s like they’re saying that they can’t be bothered to help people who are shopping in their area find a place to park and oh yeah, spend money there. Duh.

    Jul 17, 2009 at 9:50 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #35.1   weeeasel

      Everyone I run into seems to HATE cloves, but I still love them. But even the rare IHOP or Waffle House that still has a smoking section occasionally asks me not to smoke them indoors because people have problems with them.
      Also, I’m fortunate enough to know of a couple of head shops where I can buy them for six bucks, but they’re still seven or eight on average.

      Jul 19, 2009 at 9:37 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #35.2   CanCan Kant

      And now they’re banned in the US, giving me absolutely no reason to smoke. I swear the BP gas station nearby raised their prices when the ban was announced. Ridiculous. They used to be $7.50 with tax, now nearly $10. When I was really smoking cloves, they were $5 a pack, but that was like 10 yrs ago.

      Jul 20, 2009 at 12:49 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #36   jenny h

    I’m about to write a passive-aggressive note about why there is not a new passive-aggressive note for the day. What method should I employ?

    Jul 17, 2009 at 4:17 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #36.1   bored

      Pink penises.

      Jul 17, 2009 at 6:45 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #37   flying fish

    ok, eewwww. I am never drinking water or eating any food, ever again.

    Jul 17, 2009 at 5:06 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #37.1   KatieMB

      *pencils in flying fish’s funeral*

      Jul 17, 2009 at 6:31 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #37.2   Snippy

      How many pencils were there in flying fish’s funeral? A few? A foursome?
      A fulsome flock? Did they fly in formation?
      Also, did they perform sketch comedy? Did they look sharp?
      Actually, I don’t get the point.

      Jul 17, 2009 at 7:32 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #37.3   KatieMB

      Oh Snippy, don’t lead me to think I’m just No. 2 with you; I thought you embraced my yellow encased graphite! Must I erase you from my life?

      Jul 17, 2009 at 7:53 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #37.4   park rose bang

      Let me whittle it down for you, Snip. It’s imperative that you don’t miss the point of an imperative, after all.
      If flying fish don’t eat, it is, after all, his funeral, and we will gather around saying ‘HB, or not HB, that is the question.’
      We’ll be graphite in our remembrances of his close shavings with food and all things liquid. Of course, there will be some who might think he was poisoned by having a bit of mercury poured into his ear, but we’ll all know it was lead.

      We’ll also discuss how you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink, but that has not much to do with anything, oh, except food and liquid again.

      Jul 17, 2009 at 7:53 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #37.5   MAMARILLA2 bang

      This conversation has become dull with time and use, perhaps we should sharpen out wits and trace out some new lines of thought.

      Jul 20, 2009 at 2:54 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #38   carrepossesseion

    I wish getting over a broken heart can be so easy as following a few steps.. but its not… :(

    Sep 9, 2009 at 1:42 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #39   carrepossesseion

    I don’t usually reply to posts but I will in this case. :)

    Sep 11, 2009 at 9:31 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #40   usedcarauction

    good good…this post deserves nothing :( …hahaha just joking :P …nice post :P

    Sep 12, 2009 at 9:03 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #41   TrofDieroit

    Thank you for great post!

    Sep 27, 2009 at 9:44 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     

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