a lunch thief with serious balls

July 19th, 2009 · 124 comments

kim in canberra says this a3-sized missive was posted in numerous locations on all four floors of her building. of this numbered list, i’d say #3 is what puts it over the top.

on a related note: did you know the word “avocado” comes from the aztec word for testicle? (thanks, wikipedia!)

related: who moved my cheese?

extra credit: someone is stealing avocados, and guac cops are on the case [nytimes.com]

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FILED UNDER: australia · canberra · martyr complex · stealing · university

124 responses so far ↓

#1 oi

I invite you to grow up and shut your fucking mouth.

Jul 19, 2009 at 10:33 pm rating: +12

reply to this comment
- #1.1 t imo®
  
  Instead of this long ass note they really should have opted for the short version.
  1. Quit stealing my food you fucking douche!
  
  Suck it.
  
  Jul 20, 2009 at 9:29 am rating: +29
- #1.2 Car RamRod
  
  I can’t fathom the kind of person who would take the time to write a fucking novel about a missing avocado. If it really bothers you that much, just poison another avocado and leave it in the same place and the situation will resolve itself. Damn hippie college kids, get practical, stop whining.
  
  Jul 20, 2009 at 3:50 pm rating: +15
- #1.3 UViolet
  
  It doesn’t matter if it’s JUST an avocado. The fat bastard needs to get his own.
  
  He needs to setup up a surveilance cam and then leave an avocado in the fridge for +_+ BAM BAM time
  
  If the word “avocado” comes from the aztec word for testicle, the Aztec must have been very well hung. Here in America the word is NUTS. See the diffence in size
  
  Jul 21, 2009 at 12:31 am rating: +3
- #1.4 e.m.o.
  
  here in america, we pump our avocados full of hormones.
  
  Jul 21, 2009 at 7:38 pm rating: +1
- #1.5 JetJackson
  
  I can understand this persons pain. Being from Australia and having grandparents that own an Avocado farm I think I can comment.
  
  Firstly Avocado’s here are not cheap, we have a Dupoloy with supermarkets, it is Coles or Woolworths and that is it. They never stock ripe Avocados (Called Avo’s in Oz… you know how we just love to shorten words) because they don’t want to lose money due to stock going bad on the shelf. They can cost anything from $2-4 each depending on what the supermarkets think they can get away with. Furthermore they can take up to a week to ripen in a warm climate. Canberra is not warm, it’s cold and it is a geological basin (sh*t hole) which also explains the disposition of our avo eating passive aggressive. They most likely go to ANU (Australian National University) which means they are likely the loveless child of some liberal conservative career politican (Don’t believe me, check out comment 1 and 2, the belief that they work hard for their money and also the contrived idea that ‘plenty of charities’ exist in Canberra, not to mention the implicit belief in private property that the note is based on).
  
  Since it is so cold you are looking at about 1-2 weeks for the Avo to ripen. Put simply, you don’t ‘purchase’ an Avocado in Canberra, you ‘invest’ in one in the hope for a return 2 weeks later at which point you can paste that mofo onto some toast with cracked pepper and lime.
  
  This was not the mere theft of an Avocado. This was the worst of white collar crime, the robbery of a neo-con’s investment in their future consumption. It cuts to the core of this young student’s belief in private property and return on investment. I bet they claimed a capital loss on their tax return!
  
  Jul 21, 2009 at 11:33 pm rating: +32
- #1.6 Car RamRod
  
  Are these all your lunches?
  You mean you eat other people’s lunches?
  STOP IT!
  
  But I hope you leave enough room for my fist because I’m going to ram it into your stomach and break your goddamn spine!
  
  All problems in life can be solved by Arnold Schwarzenegger.
  
  Jul 22, 2009 at 1:01 pm rating: +1
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#2 Party in my Pants

That avocado was my baby’s guacamole for the day.

Jul 19, 2009 at 10:39 pm rating: +92

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- #2.1 leftfoot
  
  No.. no.. It’s MY unborn baby’s guac for the day.
  
  Jul 20, 2009 at 1:52 am rating: +5
- #2.2 Canthz_B
  
  No…no…It was my unborn baby’s guacamole for the day.
  
  Jul 20, 2009 at 2:06 am rating: +8
- #2.3 Party in my Pants
  
  Thanks for the ups!
  
  Jul 20, 2009 at 8:57 am rating: +1
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#3 Izalebeth

YUM YUM +_+

Jul 19, 2009 at 10:46 pm rating: +19

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- #3.1 pope suburban
  
  It was fucking delicious.
  
  No regrets. None.
  
  Jul 20, 2009 at 4:36 pm rating: +3
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#4 kp

She’ll regret point #5 when it gets returned as a pile of flaming poo.

Jul 19, 2009 at 10:48 pm rating: +42

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- #4.1 jackie31337
  
  I was thinking the same thing: chances are, you don’t want it back if they’ve already eaten it.
  
  Jul 20, 2009 at 7:10 am rating: +2
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#5 MJWalrus

nom nom +_+

Jul 19, 2009 at 11:19 pm rating: +5

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#6 aaa

Translation:

I’m really pissed that somebody stole my avocado, but I think I’m too smart to use swears or threats or to appreciate the magic of concision.

Jul 19, 2009 at 11:23 pm rating: +20

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- #6.1 Byatch
  
  concision?
  
  Jul 19, 2009 at 11:45 pm rating: +1
- #6.2 fluffy8u
  
  Concussion?
  
  Jul 19, 2009 at 11:50 pm rating: +2
- #6.3 aaa
  
  Karma chameleon?
  
  Jul 20, 2009 at 12:05 am rating: +16
- #6.4 leftfoot
  
  Dance magic, dance.
  
  Jul 20, 2009 at 1:51 am rating: +11
- #6.5 t imo®
  
  S-A-F-E-T-Y Safety Dance.
  You can dance if you want to.
  
  Jul 20, 2009 at 9:31 am rating: +5
- #6.6 T imo®
  
  Concision
  –noun
  1. concise quality; brevity; terseness.
  2. Archaic. a cutting up or off; mutilation.
  Origin:
  1350–1400; ME (< MF) < L concīsiōn- (s. of concīsiō), equiv. to concīs(us) concise + -iōn- -ion
  
  Jul 20, 2009 at 11:43 am rating: +9
- #6.7 farcical aquatic ceremony involving 'taking care of' Caroline...
  
  BAM!
  
  the magic of concision, indeed, aaa.
  
  Jul 20, 2009 at 12:04 pm rating: +1
- #6.8 Clumber
  
  Wait… CRAP, I just learned something! I come here for the vitriol. Not the edmacation.
  
  dammit.
  
  (thanks T imo. I like the 2nd usage best.)
  
  Jul 20, 2009 at 1:30 pm rating: +4
- #6.9 fluffy8u
  
  I just thought that concussion would be a better way to go. C’mon, after a blow to the head, would you go on stealing that avocado?
  
  Jul 20, 2009 at 2:56 pm rating: +2
- #6.10 T imo®
  
  Considering the title I like the second usage better too.
  That should act as some deterrence.
  
  Jul 20, 2009 at 3:11 pm rating: +1
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#7 Thanks

Hello? Avacodo lover?

I was just rummaging through the refrigerator, and your lunch looks really good. Your number was tucked inside, so I thought I’d ask if I could have lunch with you……NO? You said you’d share…but……. what charity?

Nevermind, I just ate it. Could you pack something more filling tomorrow?

Jul 19, 2009 at 11:24 pm rating: +33

reply to this comment
- #7.1 Cordelia
  
  People should start calling him/her with lunch orders.
  
  And what is the deal with that weird emoticon? is it a dead avocado – because of the X’ed out eyes??
  
  Jul 23, 2009 at 10:53 pm rating: +1
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#8 C.S. Harmonikah

I hope they do leave a phone number with their lunch. It will be great when they get a dozen calls everyday of people telling them what a dumbass prick they are.

Jul 19, 2009 at 11:32 pm rating: +10

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#9 Fresca

I have sympathies for the victim of any lunch theft, no matter how histrionic their notes may be. You do have to be a complete asshole to steal someone’s lunch at work– there is no excuse for it, unless their lunch is so similar to yours that you happened to grab their lunch by mistake, in which case they will probably be happy to eat your lunch as compensation. If for any reason they’re not happy to do so, or even if they are, then own up and offer to buy them a new fucking lunch. This is not something that adults should have to be concerned about.

Jul 19, 2009 at 11:39 pm rating: +56

reply to this comment
- #9.1 Canthz_B
  
  You’re just pissed because claw ate your lunch, aren’t you?
  
  Jul 20, 2009 at 1:05 am rating: +9
- #9.2 t imo®
  
  Your lunch was fabulously delightful.
  
  Jul 20, 2009 at 9:34 am rating: +8
- #9.3 aaa
  
  Lunch, eh? Is that what they’re calling it these days?
  
  Jul 20, 2009 at 9:43 am rating: +7
- #9.4 Eila
  
  I agree, I work at a grocery store and we have a break room with a shared fridge. I had food in there with my name written on it twice and someone stole it. They steal other people’s bitten sandwiches, juices, yogurt, lunch from home, anything; it’s pretty pathetic. Sorry, nobody working there is THAT hard up where they need to steal coworkers food. Besides, we have food at demo daily, often have employee tastings at the store and once again…it’s a GROCERY STORE. There is plenty of food around for you to eat/steal that doesn’t belong to employees if you really insist on stealing. When I make laxative filled brownies, put them in the fridge and someone steals them, maybe the runs they end up getting will make them stop stealing food.
  
  Jul 20, 2009 at 9:48 am rating: +11
- #9.5 Craniac
  
  I once worked for a company where the company president was the one who stole lunches, sometimes more than one! What could anyone do? He was the effin’ president!
  
  Jul 20, 2009 at 3:59 pm rating: +4
- #9.6 MAMARILLA2
  
  Make a lizard sandwich and exlax covered peanuts for lunch.
  
  Jul 20, 2009 at 4:13 pm rating: +5
- #9.7 Jesse and the Rippers
  
  Has PAN ever posted a note that responds to such a note with something like, “I am so sorry I took your lunch. I have seen the error of my ways and shall go forth and counsel other lunch stealers.”?
  
  I work in a big office building. From time to time, someone takes my lunch. I am thoroughly annoyed when it happens. Yet, in my state of irritability, I am still not idiot enough to sit at my computer and write an anonymous note to an anonymous person about a long gone avocado.
  
  Also? Avocados are very portable. There is no need to leave them lying about in public places. They can fit in your drawer, in your pocket or in your sock. Or, you can simply sit it on top of something in your general area. The avocado eating public knows this and will take care to keep their avocados to themselves. Thus, any avocado left out in the open is a signal that it is a PUBLIC avocado.
  
  You lose again, note writer.
  
  Jul 20, 2009 at 4:40 pm rating: +7
- #9.8 unholyghost2003
  
  Plus, any avocados stored in socks are guacamole seasoned with your own spices by lunchtime. Thwart thieves and get a tasty treat!
  
  Jul 20, 2009 at 4:51 pm rating: +1
- #9.9 BurstingAtTheSeams
  
  You can also store avocados in your whitie tighties.
  
  There’s more than one reason why the avocado was named after the testicle.
  
  Jul 20, 2009 at 5:22 pm rating: +3
- #9.10 anglophile
  
  I have decided to become a fully-functioning member of the avocado eating public.
  
  Jul 20, 2009 at 5:43 pm rating: +3
- #9.11 milo
  
  I had a coworker who was always giving the excuse that his lunch was sooo similar to the one he found and ate…. so he would eat both !!!
  
  terrible
  
  Aug 6, 2009 at 5:58 pm rating: 0
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#10 fluffy8u

Avocado Lover,

I did enjoy that avocado, thank you for asking! In response to your letter, I’d like to say:

1. I work hard to find my lunch. I put in effort to select it from co-workers’ lunch.

2. Why is “poor” in quotations? Do I need an explanation for the word? Australia’s food charities are for those in need. While I’m not above accepting the kindness of charities, I don’t need it (I get free lunch from the co-workers), I choose to leave it for those who have no co-workers to thieve from. Do you want me to use up the limited supplies meant for those who really need it?

3. I did ask you, last week, remember? I said “Hey Avocado, I don’t have money for lunch, would you mind sharing?” and you said: “Well, you would have money if you didn’t spend it all on those hideous clothes.” Not only did you hurt my feelings about my clothes, you made me go hungry. That was the start of taking lunches. ARE YOU HAPPY?!

4. Ask yourself whatever you want, it’s still talking to yourself, and we, the “sanies” don’t want to hear it.

5. I’d return what was stolen, but now it’s past the toilet, and into the ocean (much like Nemo). So, it’s irretrievable. I’m sorry.

Thanks for the lunch, I look forward to thieving from you again!
Mr. Guacamole

Jul 19, 2009 at 11:47 pm rating: +43

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- #10.1 blue-eyes
  
  That was beautiful. The Nemo analogy took it to the next level.
  
  Jul 20, 2009 at 9:24 am rating: +3
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#11 Byatch

Ring Ring…

G’day mate! Can I eat half your lunch? I’m a ‘”poor” student, with no money’. Sharing is caring!

Jul 19, 2009 at 11:48 pm rating: +5

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- #11.1 fluffy8u
  
  Eh, I gotta go see a man ’bout a wallaby. Ate a nasty avocado, I did.
  
  Jul 19, 2009 at 11:52 pm rating: +10
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#12 zenvelo

next time could you stuff the avocado with some shrimp or fresh crab meat? mmmmm….

Jul 20, 2009 at 12:24 am rating: +3

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#13 fantasy!

I’ll ask to share your lunch with you, when you start packing enough for the both of us.

Jul 20, 2009 at 12:34 am rating: +5

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#14 pr1982

that avocado was fucking delicious

Jul 20, 2009 at 12:35 am rating: +16

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- #14.1 Vivitop
  
  That’s the quote I was looking for!
  
  Jul 20, 2009 at 12:27 pm rating: +3
- #14.2 Kainenchen
  
  Team Fucking Delicious vs. Team Yum Yum +_+ cage match ftw.
  
  Jul 20, 2009 at 2:29 pm rating: +2
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#15 Sheila

A3 size? lmao

Jul 20, 2009 at 12:40 am rating: +4

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#16 Canthz_B

I have to ask myself what sort of place they are working (in)? One in which the best lunch available for the taking is a fucking avocado?

Jul 20, 2009 at 1:10 am rating: +17

reply to this comment
- #16.1 aaa
  
  Avocados are magical. Anyone should be surprised if their avocado isn’t stolen.
  
  Jul 20, 2009 at 9:45 am rating: +9
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#17 Canthz_B

Dear Avocado Lover,

Although I’d love to return what was stolen,
It has already passed through my colon.
Your careful selection, by me disgraced,
Cannot possibly by me be replaced.
Next time bring something less unique,
I’ll still take it,
But I’ll replace it…if you don’t peek.

Jul 20, 2009 at 1:17 am rating: +15

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#18 foreverSunset

Enclosed here in this brown bag is what was left of the avocado. Sorry if it’s a bit smelly.

Next time, I’ll be sure to light it on fire and leave it on your desk.

Have a nice day!

Jul 20, 2009 at 1:19 am rating: +3

reply to this comment
- #18.1 Canthz_B
  
  See #4.
  
  Jul 20, 2009 at 1:22 am rating: +7
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#19 Canthz_B

How was anyone supposed to know that a random avocado sitting around up on the 4th floor was spoken for?
Was there a Robinson Crusoe-like message carved into it as if were a coconut cast upon the seas, or what?

Jul 20, 2009 at 1:28 am rating: +1

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#20 leftfoot

Avocados aren’t cheap. I don’t blame the note-writer. I would have been pissed, too.

(and hey.. it wasn’t a mass email.. surprisingly)

Jul 20, 2009 at 1:48 am rating: +12

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#21 Susannie

Hehe, I just love the reply. The simplicity, the evil zombie smile…just perfection! Yum yum +_+

Jul 20, 2009 at 2:22 am rating: +6

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#22 Geek Goddess

I invite you to join me in attending a Gilbert & Sullivan performance.

Three little maids from school are we,
Pert as a school-girl well can be,
Filled to the brim with girlish glee,
Three little maids from school!

Everything is a source of fun.
Nobody’s safe, for we care for none!
Life is a joke that’s just begun!
Three little maids from school!

Three little maids who, all unwary,
Come from a ladies’ seminary,
Freed from its genius tutelary
Three little maids from school!
Three little maids from school!

One little maid is a bride, Yum-Yum
Two little maids in attendance come
Three little maids is the total sum.
Three little maids from school!

Jul 20, 2009 at 3:23 am rating: +5

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#23 snee

i hope she washed that avocado.

Jul 20, 2009 at 3:43 am rating: +4

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- #23.1 fluffy8u
  
  Just to clarify, are you referring to the fruit or the testicles?
  
  Jul 20, 2009 at 5:53 am rating: +2
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#24 Gunderson105

Dear avocado master.

You took a poor, indigenous fruit out of its natural surroundings and forced it to live in a sterile, unfeeling environment. Have you no consideration for the avocado’s silent weep???

I took the avocado and liberated it in the outback, where it could prance and dance around the maypole.

Yours truly,

First officer Gundy of the Avocado Freedom Brigade.

Jul 20, 2009 at 7:17 am rating: +20

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- #24.1 t imo®
  
  Dear F.O. Grundy of the AFB
  We followed you and saw you abandon the avocado in a non native environment. After you left we rescued said avocado from crying in the wilderness and laid it gently on a nice bed of lettuce tomatoes and thickly sliced bacon.
  
  Commander X of the Peoples Avocado Liberation Army.
  
  Jul 20, 2009 at 9:43 am rating: +17
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#25 Meesh

I think the PAN writer should bring in a pineapple next and find out how big this thief’s balls really are.

Jul 20, 2009 at 8:46 am rating: +9

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#26 Ghostbuck

“I invite you to return what was stolen, because even though I said I’d happily give it to you, I was actually lying about being generous. I suppose we still have a lot to learn and teach about telling lies too.”

Jul 20, 2009 at 9:25 am rating: +7

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#27 claw71

*A few days later the author’s lunch was stolen again, and even though she made good on her promise and left her phone number in there, the theif didn’t call, at least not right away.*

Phone rings. It’s 3:06AM.

Author: hullo?

Caller: Hey, it’s me.

Author, blinking slowly: huh?

Caller: The guy who took your lunch. First it was an avocado and today I snagged a nectarine and some string cheese.

Author: huh? Wha? It’s 3 in the morning.

Caller: Yeah, I know. I woke up and I was really hungry. I started thinking about your lunch and wondered what you were bringing today.

Author: huh?

Caller: For lunch. Man, I don’t know about you but I’d choke a ho for some fucking cold pizza, ya know?

Author: Huh?

Caller: Yeah. And would it kill you to pack pudding cup? I like butterscotch.

Author: Wha? Wait, you took my lunch?

Caller: Yeah. I appreciate the whole sharing thing you proposed. I figured I’d put in a request.

Author, alert at last: I’m not going to pack your lunch!

Caller: Did I say that? No. Pack yours and I’ll share it with you.

Author: No. That’s not how it works.

Caller, angry now: That’s what you said. You said I should give you the chance to share. You said you would love it. LOVE IT!

Author: Well I don’t and I don’t want you calling me.

Caller, screaming: BUT YOU LEFT YOUR NUMBER!!! YOU SAID YOU WOULD SHARE!!! ARE YOU A LIAR? DID YOU LIE TO ME? BITCH!!!!

Author: FUCK YOU! I’m not packing food for you. I’ll stop packing my lunch and I’ll get a sandwich from the deli across the street.

Caller: You will?

Author: Yes! I will never pack my lunch again. I’ll spend five dollars every day on lunch at the deli across the street. And you won’t be able to steal my lunch. How do you like that?

Caller: Well. If that’s what you have to do…

Author: Yes. That’s exactly what I have to do.

Caller: OK.

Author: Great. Now Can I go to sleep? Or is there anything else?

Caller: Well…

Author : What is it? What the FUCK do you want now?

Caller: Would you like to put your order in now? I can have it ready by 11:00. We’re having a special on pastrami.

Jul 20, 2009 at 9:36 am rating: +58

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- #27.1 oi!
  
  You duly receive thumbs up!
  
  Jul 20, 2009 at 11:02 am rating: +1
- #27.2 bikermomrt
  
  OMG, you made me laugh so hard I cried. This is the funniest reply I have ever read
  
  Jul 20, 2009 at 11:22 am rating: +1
- #27.3 anglophile
  
  While I did find claw’s story chuckle-worthy, I think you need to get out a little more, bikermomrt.
  
  Jul 20, 2009 at 11:44 am rating: +27
- #27.4 park rose
  
  Who’s Julie?
  
  Jul 20, 2009 at 8:18 pm rating: +2
- #27.5 bikermomrt
  
  Anglophile – maybe you need a sense of humor. Maybe you are just upset that someone ate your stupid avocado and stuck the pit up your bum. I can tell you have a bug up your butt if you have to judge others for thinking something is funny and you don’t. All I can say now is “bite me”.
  
  Jul 20, 2009 at 10:01 pm rating: +4
- #27.6 anglophile
  
  Thank you for your kind reply, bikermomrt. You make several excellent points. I will take it under advisement, and if, at the end of extensive study, I do in fact come to believe that Comment #27 was undeniably the funniest comment I have ever read, you will be the first to know.
  
  Jul 20, 2009 at 10:14 pm rating: +11
- #27.7 GK
  
  I’m still creased up over the concept of “biker mom”, myself.
  
  Jul 21, 2009 at 3:07 am rating: +2
- #27.8 claw71
  
  Hell, this isn’t even the funniest comment I’ve written. But somehow I’m really turned on at the thought of anglophile taking an avocado pit up the butt.
  
  Jul 21, 2009 at 9:43 am rating: +4
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#28 Booster

I’m now going to start my own blog, “awkward, random, and unnecessary bolding of words”

oh life.

Jul 20, 2009 at 9:40 am rating: +3

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#29 Pants go brown

Real Aussies spell favorable with a ‘u.’

So now I’m suspicious that all of this is really just made up

Jul 20, 2009 at 9:47 am rating: 0

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- #29.1 aaa
  
  Well, we all know that people who don’t favor the u spellings never go to places that do. :O
  
  Jul 20, 2009 at 9:52 am rating: +4
- #29.2 claw71
  
  Real Aussies also eat Vegemite, poop standing up and make sweet love to kangaroos under the pale moonlight. Team fake Aussies, OY!
  
  Jul 20, 2009 at 10:19 am rating: +5
- #29.3 Kate
  
  and they spell it “behaviour.”
  
  Real Aussies are all living in England working behind bars!
  
  I also have to say that I would be decidedly dischuffed if someone nicked my lunch.
  
  Jul 20, 2009 at 10:29 am rating: +2
- #29.4 T imo®
  
  Real Aussies like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain.
  
  Jul 20, 2009 at 10:32 am rating: +7
- #29.5 Clumber
  
  perhaps… but they only like half a brain. Dieting Zombies?
  
  ~Clumber, 25% Aussie and DAMN PROUD OF IT!
  
  Jul 20, 2009 at 1:36 pm rating: +1
- #29.6 fluffy8u
  
  Don’t dis the Aussie outback, or it’ll be the boot for you!
  
  Jul 20, 2009 at 3:21 pm rating: +1
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#30 Kellye

Dear Snivelling Wage Slave,

Could you please pack some beef next time Sheila? This pretentious vegetarian fare just isn’t getting me through to quitting time.

Anyway, we’re all the descendants of criminals, so don’t take a tone.

Kthnx.

Signed,
That Butter Pear Was Fucking Delicious.

Yum yum biatch. X)

Jul 20, 2009 at 11:20 am rating: +10

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- #30.1 T imo®
  
  Last time I saw a delicious buttered pair was at my lunch with RB.
  
  Jul 20, 2009 at 11:47 am rating: +4
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#31 wayangtimes

hi, chanced upon ur nice blog on facebook networked blogs. if by any chance u’d like a link exchange, drop me a note at my site yah

Jul 20, 2009 at 12:08 pm rating: 0

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- #31.1 GK
  
  If it was “Wang Times” we might consider it.
  
  Jul 21, 2009 at 3:09 am rating: +2
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#32 Meh

Dear Avacado lover,

I normally wouldn’t have taken your lunch, but I had noticed that you were on the cross and didn’t think you would be needing it. Sorry for the confusion.

Yours truly,
Yum Yum +_+

Jul 20, 2009 at 1:04 pm rating: +8

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- #32.1 park rose
  
  Kings? or the martyrs’?
  
  Jul 20, 2009 at 8:20 pm rating: +1
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#33 jenny h

“A dingo ate your avocado!” in Elane’s most brilliant Australian accent.

Jul 20, 2009 at 1:08 pm rating: +8

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#34 Liz

Here is what you should do: make a crappy lunch. Make it look appetizing, but feel free to spit in it and mess with it. This is for the lunch stealer. Bring money with you to go out and buy a lunch for yourself. Now, you got your pay back.

Jul 20, 2009 at 1:10 pm rating: +1

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- #34.1 aaa
  
  That’s why they make anti-theft lunch bags, complete with fake mold spots.
  
  Jul 20, 2009 at 1:56 pm rating: +5
- #34.2 fluffy8u
  
  ohmygoshthat’samazingiloveit!!!
  
  Jul 20, 2009 at 3:31 pm rating: +1
- #34.3 Julia
  
  Spacebar broken?
  
  Jul 20, 2009 at 4:11 pm rating: 0
- #34.4 anglophile
  
  The only problem with those, aaa, is that Kathy with a K will feel compelled to throw your lunch out so it doesn’t contaminate her lunch, not waiting until the designated fridge clean-out time of three p.m. Friday.
  
  Jul 20, 2009 at 5:19 pm rating: +3
- #34.5 fluffy8u
  
  No, my space bar isn’t broken, but my enter key is. I’ve been trying to fix it for about a month now. Have you ever tried replacing an enter key on a laptop?! It’s hard.
  
  Jul 20, 2009 at 5:40 pm rating: 0
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#35 aaa

Fuck not gigglebraxing. D:

Jul 20, 2009 at 1:54 pm rating: +1

reply to this comment
#36 anglophile

I kinda sympathize with the lunch-stealer.

Avocados are pretty damn tempting. Bring a baloney sandwich next time.

Jul 20, 2009 at 1:56 pm rating: +3

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#37 TEACHING or LEARNING

I learned my avocado thieving techniques from the workplace and now I’m spreading it around, on toast. nom nom nom nom nom

Jul 20, 2009 at 1:59 pm rating: +3

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#38 Canaduck

Good grief, all that for one avocado? How long did it take him/her to write that ridiculous diatribe?

I mean, look, you steal someone else’s lunch–true, you’re an asshole. But this is ridiculous.

Jul 20, 2009 at 2:16 pm rating: +1

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#39 jenny h

Maybe the avocado lover is the poor student since his whole lunch comprises of a single avocado.

Jul 20, 2009 at 2:47 pm rating: +4

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#40 oi!

I am disappointed in note whiner writer. He did not provide enough information He seems to be anal kind but even he did half assed job being anal too. He covered time and place of his lunch being at. Not a single word about was avocado in container or not? if it was did thief steal that too? what kind of container was that? or it was in a coach bag? how am I suppose to know which lunch is he talking about?

Jul 20, 2009 at 2:51 pm rating: +3

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#41 oi!

My belief that submittar is a quitter is supported by one more evidence.
He covered guilt(point # 1), self righteousness (#2 as far as he knows you know), condescension (# 3)
holier than thou, self inspection(# 4).
What about Jesus, bible and sin? what? waht?
and last but not least what about pink penises and lovely colors?
Sir I regret to inform you that you received only B- meticulous whimpering.

Jul 20, 2009 at 3:01 pm rating: +1

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#42 raiseyourglass

Thou shall not loot someone elses lunch!

(I think I posted this before but I think it’s time again!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lh_yeIdE1OA

Jul 20, 2009 at 3:31 pm rating: +1

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#43 Guy Smiley

In what sort of place are we working? What sort of world is this? Nay, what kind of people have we become?

Q: ARE WE NOT MEN?

A: WE ARE DEVO!

Jul 20, 2009 at 4:24 pm rating: +5

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- #43.1 fluffy8u
  
  WE ARE DEVO!!
  
  Jul 20, 2009 at 5:46 pm rating: 0
- #43.2 park rose
  
  Whip it real good.
  
  Jul 20, 2009 at 8:23 pm rating: +1
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#44 Guy Smiley

I love the conclusion that the incident is somehow indicative of the entire scope of human existance.

“The Avacado That Destroyed Civilization”

Jul 20, 2009 at 4:26 pm rating: +4

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#45 MillieMonster

You would have shared? Really. A precious, rare and delicious avocado. The whole day spent with part of your bliss, swallowed by another. Are we being honest here? Creamy, fat-tongued Lover, sliding down the throat of another. You didn’t sleep, admit it. Blame the fruity nature of your desire. Who can resist the… Avocado?!

Jul 20, 2009 at 5:51 pm rating: +2

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#46 demonstrative behaviour

re: meh, guy smiley, etc

At the very least, the one thing this note could’ve taught you was how to spell avocado. Too many mutha’uckas, ‘uckin with my shiiiiiii.

Jul 20, 2009 at 5:51 pm rating: +2

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- #46.1 GK
  
  Let me guess, Tourette’s?
  
  Jul 21, 2009 at 3:12 am rating: +1
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#47 Howie Feltersnatch

“Avacado-stealer”? I guess the word ‘thief’ slipped her raging mind at that moment.

Jul 20, 2009 at 6:37 pm rating: +2

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- #47.1 SoSo
  
  she was trying to find another word for avocado-taker while not sounding childish. thesaurus fail.
  
  Jul 21, 2009 at 4:52 pm rating: +1
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#48 DaveOnBass

Totally unrelated to the note, but related to the point that “‘avocado’ comes from the Aztec word for testicle”….

So does “abogado”, the Spanish word for lawyer. And, come to think of it, “advocate”, the British-English word for the same.

=0)
Dave

Jul 20, 2009 at 8:22 pm rating: +2

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- #48.1 GK
  
  No, “advocate” comes from the Latin “advocatus”, and the Spanish presumably likewise. I don’t know what you’re talking about.
  
  Jul 21, 2009 at 3:14 am rating: +1
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#49 Lauren

I would be pretty fucking pissed actually. Avocados are like 1.25 a piece here.

Jul 20, 2009 at 8:38 pm rating: +1

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- #49.1 GK
  
  Pounds? USD? Euros? Rupees? Flanian pobble beads? Throw me a bone here.
  
  Jul 21, 2009 at 3:16 am rating: +3
- #49.2 raiseyourglass
  
  I agree with you Lauren! I just bought 2 for $4.50 here, usd.
  
  Jul 21, 2009 at 9:20 pm rating: 0
- #49.3 fluffy8u
  
  I just glanced at your comment, glassy, and I thought that you bought those avocados used.
  
  Jul 21, 2009 at 9:36 pm rating: 0
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#50 Beth

I didn’t eat your avocado, I threw it in the trash. It was green, wrinkled, and tasted weird – I thought it was a pear that had gone bad. … Why did I taste it? Well, if I hadn’t done you that favor, you could be dead from food poisoning right now.

Ingrate.

Jul 21, 2009 at 4:19 pm rating: +2

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#51 ew

“I invite you to return what was stolen.”

In what format?

Aug 10, 2009 at 3:05 pm rating: 0

reply to this comment
- #51.1 MAMARILLA2
  
  JPEG or IFF?
  
  Aug 10, 2009 at 4:04 pm rating: 0
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#52 Anon

This is just one of at least 10 notes posted around the building (where I was working at the time). Most of the notes were nowhere near the kitchen in question.

Many of them were thoroughly ridiculed through graffiti.

Aug 26, 2009 at 10:00 pm rating: +1

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all that’s missing is a smiley face and an xoxo (69)
- Palomon: Wasn’t there a PAN posted a while ago where the sender had stolen the note-writer’s stuff? Kinda...
- Critical Grass: Dirty slut bag by Gunner and the Futton Whore feat. K – That’s what she said. Big hit in...
- Critical Grass: Oh, you wish! What’s that? Oh… You don’t. Aw… Ok, then. Nevermind. Moving...
- RoxyBlue: I suspect Gunnar is a cat or dog. Additionally, I suspect that Nate and the note writer did “dirty...
- MM: I think you are all thinking WAY to hard about the edits. I don’t doodle, I edit stuff. And I never thought...

painfully polite and hilariously hostile writings from shared spaces the world over

a lunch thief with serious balls

July 19th, 2009 · 124 comments

124 responses so far ↓

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