Kim in Canberra says this A3-sized missive was posted in numerous locations on all four floors of her building. Of this numbered list, I’d say #3 is what puts it over the top.
On a related note: Did you know the word “avocado” comes from the Aztec word for testicle? (Thanks, Wikipedia!)
related: Who moved my cheese?
extra credit: Someone is stealing avocados, and guac cops are on the case [nytimes.com]
124 responses so far ↓
#1
oi
I invite you to grow up and shut your fucking mouth.
Jul 19, 2009 at 10:33 pm rating: 90
#2
Party in my Pants
That avocado was my baby’s guacamole for the day.
Jul 19, 2009 at 10:39 pm rating: 90
#3
Izalebeth
YUM YUM +_+
Jul 19, 2009 at 10:46 pm rating: 90
#4
kp
She’ll regret point #5 when it gets returned as a pile of flaming poo.
Jul 19, 2009 at 10:48 pm rating: 90
#5
MJWalrus
nom nom +_+
Jul 19, 2009 at 11:19 pm rating: 90
#6
aaa
Translation:
I’m really pissed that somebody stole my avocado, but I think I’m too smart to use swears or threats or to appreciate the magic of concision.
Jul 19, 2009 at 11:23 pm rating: 90
#7
Thanks
Hello? Avacodo lover?
I was just rummaging through the refrigerator, and your lunch looks really good. Your number was tucked inside, so I thought I’d ask if I could have lunch with you……NO? You said you’d share…but……. what charity?
Nevermind, I just ate it. Could you pack something more filling tomorrow?
Jul 19, 2009 at 11:24 pm rating: 90
#8
C.S. Harmonikah
I hope they do leave a phone number with their lunch. It will be great when they get a dozen calls everyday of people telling them what a dumbass prick they are.
Jul 19, 2009 at 11:32 pm rating: 90
#9
Fresca
I have sympathies for the victim of any lunch theft, no matter how histrionic their notes may be. You do have to be a complete asshole to steal someone’s lunch at work– there is no excuse for it, unless their lunch is so similar to yours that you happened to grab their lunch by mistake, in which case they will probably be happy to eat your lunch as compensation. If for any reason they’re not happy to do so, or even if they are, then own up and offer to buy them a new fucking lunch. This is not something that adults should have to be concerned about.
Jul 19, 2009 at 11:39 pm rating: 90
#10
fluffy8u
Avocado Lover,
I did enjoy that avocado, thank you for asking! In response to your letter, I’d like to say:
1. I work hard to find my lunch. I put in effort to select it from co-workers’ lunch.
2. Why is “poor” in quotations? Do I need an explanation for the word? Australia’s food charities are for those in need. While I’m not above accepting the kindness of charities, I don’t need it (I get free lunch from the co-workers), I choose to leave it for those who have no co-workers to thieve from. Do you want me to use up the limited supplies meant for those who really need it?
3. I did ask you, last week, remember? I said “Hey Avocado, I don’t have money for lunch, would you mind sharing?” and you said: “Well, you would have money if you didn’t spend it all on those hideous clothes.” Not only did you hurt my feelings about my clothes, you made me go hungry. That was the start of taking lunches. ARE YOU HAPPY?!
4. Ask yourself whatever you want, it’s still talking to yourself, and we, the “sanies” don’t want to hear it.
5. I’d return what was stolen, but now it’s past the toilet, and into the ocean (much like Nemo). So, it’s irretrievable. I’m sorry.
Thanks for the lunch, I look forward to thieving from you again!
Mr. Guacamole
Jul 19, 2009 at 11:47 pm rating: 90
#11
Byatch
Ring Ring…
G’day mate! Can I eat half your lunch? I’m a ‘”poor” student, with no money’. Sharing is caring!
Jul 19, 2009 at 11:48 pm rating: 90
#12
zenvelo
next time could you stuff the avocado with some shrimp or fresh crab meat? mmmmm….
Jul 20, 2009 at 12:24 am rating: 90
#13
fantasy!
I’ll ask to share your lunch with you, when you start packing enough for the both of us.
Jul 20, 2009 at 12:34 am rating: 90
#14
pr1982
that avocado was fucking delicious
Jul 20, 2009 at 12:35 am rating: 90
#15
Sheila
A3 size? lmao
Jul 20, 2009 at 12:40 am rating: 90
#16
Canthz_B
I have to ask myself what sort of place they are working (in)? One in which the best lunch available for the taking is a fucking avocado?
Jul 20, 2009 at 1:10 am rating: 90
#17
Canthz_B
Dear Avocado Lover,
Although I’d love to return what was stolen,
It has already passed through my colon.
Your careful selection, by me disgraced,
Cannot possibly by me be replaced.
Next time bring something less unique,
I’ll still take it,
But I’ll replace it…if you don’t peek.
Jul 20, 2009 at 1:17 am rating: 90
#18
foreverSunset
Enclosed here in this brown bag is what was left of the avocado. Sorry if it’s a bit smelly.
Next time, I’ll be sure to light it on fire and leave it on your desk.
Have a nice day!
Jul 20, 2009 at 1:19 am rating: 90
#19
Canthz_B
How was anyone supposed to know that a random avocado sitting around up on the 4th floor was spoken for?
Was there a Robinson Crusoe-like message carved into it as if were a coconut cast upon the seas, or what?
Jul 20, 2009 at 1:28 am rating: 90
#20
leftfoot
Avocados aren’t cheap. I don’t blame the note-writer. I would have been pissed, too.
(and hey.. it wasn’t a mass email.. surprisingly)
Jul 20, 2009 at 1:48 am rating: 90
#21
Susannie
Hehe, I just love the reply. The simplicity, the evil zombie smile…just perfection! Yum yum +_+
Jul 20, 2009 at 2:22 am rating: 90
#22
Geek Goddess
I invite you to join me in attending a Gilbert & Sullivan performance.
Three little maids from school are we,
Pert as a school-girl well can be,
Filled to the brim with girlish glee,
Three little maids from school!
Everything is a source of fun.
Nobody’s safe, for we care for none!
Life is a joke that’s just begun!
Three little maids from school!
Three little maids who, all unwary,
Come from a ladies’ seminary,
Freed from its genius tutelary
Three little maids from school!
Three little maids from school!
One little maid is a bride, Yum-Yum
Two little maids in attendance come
Three little maids is the total sum.
Three little maids from school!
Jul 20, 2009 at 3:23 am rating: 90
#23
snee
i hope she washed that avocado.
Jul 20, 2009 at 3:43 am rating: 90
#24
Gunderson105
Dear avocado master.
You took a poor, indigenous fruit out of its natural surroundings and forced it to live in a sterile, unfeeling environment. Have you no consideration for the avocado’s silent weep???
I took the avocado and liberated it in the outback, where it could prance and dance around the maypole.
Yours truly,
First officer Gundy of the Avocado Freedom Brigade.
Jul 20, 2009 at 7:17 am rating: 90
#25
Meesh
I think the PAN writer should bring in a pineapple next and find out how big this thief’s balls really are.
Jul 20, 2009 at 8:46 am rating: 90
#26
Ghostbuck
“I invite you to return what was stolen, because even though I said I’d happily give it to you, I was actually lying about being generous. I suppose we still have a lot to learn and teach about telling lies too.”
Jul 20, 2009 at 9:25 am rating: 90
#27
claw71
*A few days later the author’s lunch was stolen again, and even though she made good on her promise and left her phone number in there, the theif didn’t call, at least not right away.*
Phone rings. It’s 3:06AM.
Author: hullo?
Caller: Hey, it’s me.
Author, blinking slowly: huh?
Caller: The guy who took your lunch. First it was an avocado and today I snagged a nectarine and some string cheese.
Author: huh? Wha? It’s 3 in the morning.
Caller: Yeah, I know. I woke up and I was really hungry. I started thinking about your lunch and wondered what you were bringing today.
Author: huh?
Caller: For lunch. Man, I don’t know about you but I’d choke a ho for some fucking cold pizza, ya know?
Author: Huh?
Caller: Yeah. And would it kill you to pack pudding cup? I like butterscotch.
Author: Wha? Wait, you took my lunch?
Caller: Yeah. I appreciate the whole sharing thing you proposed. I figured I’d put in a request.
Author, alert at last: I’m not going to pack your lunch!
Caller: Did I say that? No. Pack yours and I’ll share it with you.
Author: No. That’s not how it works.
Caller, angry now: That’s what you said. You said I should give you the chance to share. You said you would love it. LOVE IT!
Author: Well I don’t and I don’t want you calling me.
Caller, screaming: BUT YOU LEFT YOUR NUMBER!!! YOU SAID YOU WOULD SHARE!!! ARE YOU A LIAR? DID YOU LIE TO ME? BITCH!!!!
Author: FUCK YOU! I’m not packing food for you. I’ll stop packing my lunch and I’ll get a sandwich from the deli across the street.
Caller: You will?
Author: Yes! I will never pack my lunch again. I’ll spend five dollars every day on lunch at the deli across the street. And you won’t be able to steal my lunch. How do you like that?
Caller: Well. If that’s what you have to do…
Author: Yes. That’s exactly what I have to do.
Caller: OK.
Author: Great. Now Can I go to sleep? Or is there anything else?
Caller: Well…
Author : What is it? What the FUCK do you want now?
Caller: Would you like to put your order in now? I can have it ready by 11:00. We’re having a special on pastrami.
Jul 20, 2009 at 9:36 am rating: 90
#28
Booster
I’m now going to start my own blog, “awkward, random, and unnecessary bolding of words”
oh life.
Jul 20, 2009 at 9:40 am rating: 90
#29
Pants go brown
Real Aussies spell favorable with a ‘u.’
So now I’m suspicious that all of this is really just made up
Jul 20, 2009 at 9:47 am rating: 90
#30
Kellye
Dear Snivelling Wage Slave,
Could you please pack some beef next time Sheila? This pretentious vegetarian fare just isn’t getting me through to quitting time.
Anyway, we’re all the descendants of criminals, so don’t take a tone.
Kthnx.
Signed,
That Butter Pear Was Fucking Delicious.
Yum yum biatch. X)
Jul 20, 2009 at 11:20 am rating: 90
#31
wayangtimes
hi, chanced upon ur nice blog on facebook networked blogs. if by any chance u’d like a link exchange, drop me a note at my site yah
Jul 20, 2009 at 12:08 pm rating: 90
#32
Meh
Dear Avacado lover,
I normally wouldn’t have taken your lunch, but I had noticed that you were on the cross and didn’t think you would be needing it. Sorry for the confusion.
Yours truly,
Yum Yum +_+
Jul 20, 2009 at 1:04 pm rating: 90
#33
jenny h
“A dingo ate your avocado!” in Elane’s most brilliant Australian accent.
Jul 20, 2009 at 1:08 pm rating: 90
#34
Liz
Here is what you should do: make a crappy lunch. Make it look appetizing, but feel free to spit in it and mess with it. This is for the lunch stealer. Bring money with you to go out and buy a lunch for yourself. Now, you got your pay back.
Jul 20, 2009 at 1:10 pm rating: 90
#35
aaa
Fuck not gigglebraxing. D:
Jul 20, 2009 at 1:54 pm rating: 90
#36
anglophile
I kinda sympathize with the lunch-stealer.
Avocados are pretty damn tempting. Bring a baloney sandwich next time.
Jul 20, 2009 at 1:56 pm rating: 90
#37
TEACHING or LEARNING
I learned my avocado thieving techniques from the workplace and now I’m spreading it around, on toast. nom nom nom nom nom
Jul 20, 2009 at 1:59 pm rating: 90
#38
Canaduck
Good grief, all that for one avocado? How long did it take him/her to write that ridiculous diatribe?
I mean, look, you steal someone else’s lunch–true, you’re an asshole. But this is ridiculous.
Jul 20, 2009 at 2:16 pm rating: 90
#39
jenny h
Maybe the avocado lover is the poor student since his whole lunch comprises of a single avocado.
Jul 20, 2009 at 2:47 pm rating: 90
#40
oi!
I am disappointed in note whiner writer. He did not provide enough information He seems to be anal kind but even he did half assed job being anal too. He covered time and place of his lunch being at. Not a single word about was avocado in container or not? if it was did thief steal that too? what kind of container was that? or it was in a coach bag? how am I suppose to know which lunch is he talking about?
Jul 20, 2009 at 2:51 pm rating: 90
#41
oi!
My belief that submittar is a quitter is supported by one more evidence.
He covered guilt(point # 1), self righteousness (#2 as far as he knows you know), condescension (# 3)
holier than thou, self inspection(# 4).
What about Jesus, bible and sin? what? waht?
and last but not least what about pink penises and lovely colors?
Sir I regret to inform you that you received only B- meticulous whimpering.
Jul 20, 2009 at 3:01 pm rating: 90
#42
raiseyourglass
Thou shall not loot someone elses lunch!
(I think I posted this before but I think it’s time again!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lh_yeIdE1OA
Jul 20, 2009 at 3:31 pm rating: 90
#43
Guy Smiley
In what sort of place are we working? What sort of world is this? Nay, what kind of people have we become?
Q: ARE WE NOT MEN?
A: WE ARE DEVO!
Jul 20, 2009 at 4:24 pm rating: 90
#44
Guy Smiley
I love the conclusion that the incident is somehow indicative of the entire scope of human existance.
“The Avacado That Destroyed Civilization”
Jul 20, 2009 at 4:26 pm rating: 90
#45
MillieMonster
You would have shared? Really. A precious, rare and delicious avocado. The whole day spent with part of your bliss, swallowed by another. Are we being honest here? Creamy, fat-tongued Lover, sliding down the throat of another. You didn’t sleep, admit it. Blame the fruity nature of your desire. Who can resist the… Avocado?!
Jul 20, 2009 at 5:51 pm rating: 90
#46
demonstrative behaviour
re: meh, guy smiley, etc
At the very least, the one thing this note could’ve taught you was how to spell avocado. Too many mutha’uckas, ‘uckin with my shiiiiiii.
Jul 20, 2009 at 5:51 pm rating: 90
#47
Howie Feltersnatch
“Avacado-stealer”? I guess the word ‘thief’ slipped her raging mind at that moment.
Jul 20, 2009 at 6:37 pm rating: 90
#48
DaveOnBass
Totally unrelated to the note, but related to the point that “‘avocado’ comes from the Aztec word for testicle”….
So does “abogado”, the Spanish word for lawyer. And, come to think of it, “advocate”, the British-English word for the same.
=0)
Dave
Jul 20, 2009 at 8:22 pm rating: 90
#49
Lauren
I would be pretty fucking pissed actually. Avocados are like 1.25 a piece here.
Jul 20, 2009 at 8:38 pm rating: 90
#50
Beth
I didn’t eat your avocado, I threw it in the trash. It was green, wrinkled, and tasted weird – I thought it was a pear that had gone bad. … Why did I taste it? Well, if I hadn’t done you that favor, you could be dead from food poisoning right now.
Ingrate.
Jul 21, 2009 at 4:19 pm rating: 90
#51
ew
“I invite you to return what was stolen.”
In what format?
Aug 10, 2009 at 3:05 pm rating: 90
#52
Anon
This is just one of at least 10 notes posted around the building (where I was working at the time). Most of the notes were nowhere near the kitchen in question.
Many of them were thoroughly ridiculed through graffiti.
Aug 26, 2009 at 10:00 pm rating: 90
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