“We’ve had trouble with our downstairs neighbors since we moved in,” says Sara in Madison. “Well, really just one of them, a woman in her fifties.” This neighbor’s most recent dose of crazy appeared in the mailbox Sara shares with her roommate (“Little Buddy,” in crazy lady-speak).
I kinda prefer this note without any explanation whatsoever, but if you’re still craving more, Sara explains…sort of. “I had, in fact, bought and put a nozzle on the outside hose so I could spray down an animal cage. We do not, needless to say, have parties in the laundry room. In fact, we’ve never had a party, ever, because we’re too afraid of her.”
related: sheena is a paintballer
128 responses so far ↓
#1
T imo®
It uses fabric softener or it gets the hose!
Jul 20, 2009 at 10:00 pm rating: +35
#2
Prof
Gilligan is her roommate???
Jul 20, 2009 at 10:00 pm rating: +43
#3
anglophile
It always amazes me how differing people’s outlooks can be. If it had been my hose, I’d be thinking, all right, new nozzle!
Jul 20, 2009 at 10:10 pm rating: +111
#4
Girl Friday
I’m confused. Maybe bullet points would have helped get the varying messages across.
Jul 20, 2009 at 10:20 pm rating: +13
#5
Woman on the Verge
Hey, a new nozzle and potty parties? I think I’m jealous…
Jul 20, 2009 at 10:29 pm rating: +11
#6
elijah
its not enough to just underline to emphasize a point. highlighting the underline is also needed.
Jul 20, 2009 at 10:30 pm rating: +3
#7
RunBarbara
If you imagine that “Little Buddy” is crazy old lady speak for a “vibrator” then this note takes on a whole new twist….
Jul 20, 2009 at 10:31 pm rating: +31
#8
sir_wolf
okay, I sugggest that you remove the nozzel and then barring finding a MORE appropriate place to put it , hold a HUGE party in the laundry/bath with it as the centerpiece
Jul 20, 2009 at 10:35 pm rating: +4
#9
The Grammarphile
Bitches and hose, bitches and hose…
Jul 20, 2009 at 10:49 pm rating: +48
#10
Tobias
Apparently these parties make her sick, which tells me she needs to quit sneaking into the laundry to drink.
Jul 20, 2009 at 11:12 pm rating: +7
#11
Comment
It’s so bitchy you can’t even be mad at her for it. I love it. If Sara was afraid of her before hand I wouldn’t be now. It’s like the day my dad got mad at me and told me if I didn’t do what I was told (at 25) then he’d call the cops and have my car towed due to a week late registration. That’s all you got? Seriously?
Jul 20, 2009 at 11:13 pm rating: +9
#12
Meh
Crazy cat lady downstairs, & lack of any buddies whatsoever,
Get that note of MY door. As if capitalizing, underlining, and highlighting the word my wasn’t enough, I’ll add more redundancies. It’s MY door. The door is MINE. I own MY door.
NO MORE CAT DRESS UP/SACRIFICE PARTIES in the laundry room during the witching hour/the equinox.
Sick is what I become from them and they. I promise forced exorcism and ensuing psychotherapy!!!
Jul 20, 2009 at 11:14 pm rating: +11
#13
fluffy8u
My sister and I often hold parties in the laundry room. We grab all of our laundry, wash it, throw it carlessly on the table and then the Good Ol’ Fashion Folding Party begins!!! Wooo! For the ocassion, I even break out my folding board! It makes all the shirts folded in the same tight little square! Watch out! This party happens every Saturday afternoon!! WOOO!!
Jul 20, 2009 at 11:42 pm rating: +22
#14
Cupcake Murphy
How have I lived this long without finding this blog? Ok I have to read the whole thing now. Found you from a link to a link and after reading just this first post I am hooked and reminded of a landlord I had in the late 80s who harangued my sister and I for putting 2 strands of spaghetti down the drain saying we caused the pipes to burst. Now I live in fear of pasta.
Jul 20, 2009 at 11:51 pm rating: +17
#15
bonz
Wondering what how the charges for the lawsuit would be outlined? hmmmm….
Jul 21, 2009 at 12:15 am rating: +3
#16
annaliesa
If it were me I would buy my own hose to use with my own nozzle and take hers off when she ‘forgets’ it on the common-use not hers water spout and roll it up neatly on her doorstep with a note that says; “you left YOUR hose on the spout that is NOT YOURS. Please remember to clean up after yourself so others can use the spout as well.”
being anal retentive and sardonic has worked out quite nicely for me in my life so far.
Jul 21, 2009 at 12:25 am rating: +22
#17
Lindarama
Michelle, will you be stealing the avocado from one of your co-workers?
Jul 21, 2009 at 12:57 am rating: +2
#18
I promise a lolsuit!
Oh man. Look, she even busted out a semicolon. I’m just straight amazed. The no more parties bit reminds me of “no more little monkeys jumping on the bed.” Someone should theme this into a children’s book.
Three little buddies nozzling the hose
one fell off and oh gosh I can’t stop laughing at the “sarah and little buddy” part.
Thx Sandra
Jul 21, 2009 at 1:16 am rating: +5
#19
Geek Goddess
She is obviously in the habit of drinking out of the hose, but being elderly and having poor sight, didn’t notice the nozzle until she was in mid drink, being blasted into the next yard by the water pressure. Her arthritis prevented her from removing the nozzle, or even adjusting the spray. When she went to take her soaked clothes into the laundry room, she discovered a pair of panties forgotten in the corner. The only possible explanation for this was a drunken party the night before, with women removing their undergarments and forgetting where they had left them. The only people who would have behaved in such a licentious manner were the new people upstairs (the hussy!), partying hard.
The little incident with the hose caused her to inhale some water as well as saturating her clothes in icy water, and with her emphysema, caused by years of cigarette smoking, she is at great risk of pneumonia. Her job as a waitress doesn’t provide her with medical coverage, and the tips aren’t enough for a decent financial cushion, so if she is off work (rather than coughing and spitting into the customers’ food) the only way she can survive is to sue.
(no avocados were harmed in the writing of this explanation, although a few lapin cherries were eaten)
Jul 21, 2009 at 1:23 am rating: +30
#20
Canthz_B
Laundry room/bath?
I sure hope that washer is a top-loader!
Jul 21, 2009 at 2:31 am rating: +2
#21
notolaf
Old Lady Downstairs (and imaginary “husband”),
GET YOUR HOSE OFF THE PUBLIC FAUCET! And stop cooking sauerkraut and fish! If I get sick from this, I promise a lawsuit.
Jul 21, 2009 at 2:32 am rating: +3
#22
Julia
What’s up with the semicolon? This is probably the first PAN I’ve seen that’s used one. It seems to be used correctly, but I feel as though it should be a comma and that the word “if” should precede the first sentence.
How does she get sick from these imaginary laundry parties anyway? Is she allergic to fabric softener?
Notes like these are why I hate people in general. All of them are psychotic.
Jul 21, 2009 at 4:23 am rating: +1
#23
Julia
The underlining of MY reminds me of the bike pump saga. MY BIKE PUMP, NOT YOURS. MY HOSE, NOT YOURS. MINE.
NO SERIOUSLY, MINE.
You getting this? MINE, I TELL YOU.
Jul 21, 2009 at 4:26 am rating: +1
#24
Party in my Pants
I love laundry room / bath parties! Please invite me!
Jul 21, 2009 at 7:44 am rating: 0
#25
thrall38
Our dorm had a party in the laundry room/basement – a bigger space than you might think. It was called VBTB (vaseline, black lights, twinkies & beer). Only have it every third year because it takes that long to clean up despite its being in the laundry room… Maybe the lady is channeling that kind of fun!
Jul 21, 2009 at 8:06 am rating: +1
#26
claw71
What’s a cranky neighbor lady supposed to think when the nozzle on the end of her hose is a purple 14 inch silicone dildo and the laundry room smells like Snuggle, sex and pierogi?
Jul 21, 2009 at 9:37 am rating: +4
#27
Kellye
Um, water bottle hose prank say what?
If it were me, I would just start inserting randomness into the hose. Carrots. Vibrators. Anal beads. etc…the possibilities are endless!
And in somewhat-related news, that semicolon is epic. So saith the English major.
Jul 21, 2009 at 10:41 am rating: +3
#28
NoExit
The Noozle! On the Hoose!
10 Internet Points if you can identify…
Jul 21, 2009 at 1:21 pm rating: +3
#29
Craniac
Notice the old lady put her note in the victim’s mailbox. In the U.S., at least, that’s a federal offense. So call the postal inspectors, have her taken away. If she likes lawsuits, let her try to defend herself against a criminal charge.
Jul 21, 2009 at 4:09 pm rating: +2
#30
Woman on the Verge
Dear old lady downstairs,
How long has it been since your nozzle was hosed?
Come to our next water party!
You own it!
Sara and the Little Buddy
Jul 21, 2009 at 4:27 pm rating: +4
#31
mamason
To the tune of
http://www.seeklyrics.com/lyrics/Brooklyn-Tabernacle-Choir/This-Is-Your-House.html
This is Your hose
May I come and spray
This is Your hose
A hose without a sprayer
Where the lost and the lonely
Bring their nozzles and their cares
This is Your hose
This is Your hose
Come and spray
Jul 21, 2009 at 11:24 pm rating: +1
#32
RoxyBlue
“Party? That’s not a party. I’ll show you a party, old woman!”
Then I’d invite over everyone I’d every met and have one hell of a house warming party! If she is going to complain she at least should have a legitimate reason.
Jul 22, 2009 at 10:28 am rating: 0
#33
eli
It’s illegal to threaten legal action if you don’t actually intend to do it. Idiot!
Jul 23, 2009 at 7:17 pm rating: 0
#34
Stupid Sexy Flanders
What an angry old ladyarino. diddly
Jul 24, 2009 at 3:46 am rating: 0
#35
Porgy Tirebiter
Not one person has yet mention what for me is the most curious thing, the use of parentheses around “buddy.” I mean, not one (person) has mentioned it.
Jul 24, 2009 at 1:40 pm rating: 0
#36
Shayner
I personally think that laundry room parties are a total bore. Now public restrooms, that’s different. Ahhh yeahhhh….
Jul 24, 2009 at 5:24 pm rating: 0
#37 buy curtains. please.
[...] related: get your “nozzle” off my “hose” [...]
Oct 5, 2009 at 7:00 pm rating: 0
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