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Can you hear me now, biotch?

July 22nd, 2009 · 161 comments

Our anonymous submitter — a college student in Michigan — “borrowed” this note under the pretense of reading it to empathize with the recipient. “While the note itself is straight up aggressive,” she says, “I do know that it has followed months of passive-aggressiveness.” And most of these complaints, she says, are totally legit. “I’ve been in the adjoining room while she’s in the bathroom and it’s pretty offensive.”

I can hear everything.

related: Your new best friend

FILED UNDER: college life · hygiene · Michigan · noise · roommates · that's disgusting

161 responses so far ↓

  • #1   mamason bang


    Jul 22, 2009 at 12:11 am   rating: 28  [  ]     

    • #1.1   Canthz_B bang

      Bob Dole? Take your chair and towels and leave the loft!

      Jul 22, 2009 at 1:33 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #1.2   Megan

      Wow, I’ve been reading PAN and the associated comments forever, but this comment finally inspired me to reply. Did NO ONE else catch that hilarious reference?! Canthz, oh, my God! “…everybody huuuurts…”

      Jul 22, 2009 at 3:17 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #1.3   Canthz_B bang

      Thanks. I’ll be here all week.
      Don’t forget to try the veal!

      Shalom. ;-)

      Jul 22, 2009 at 8:40 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #1.4   Laura

      I don’t get it! I want in on the joooooke!

      Jul 22, 2009 at 12:05 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #1.5   Schuyler

      Canthz/Megan: “Who ate Bob Dole’s peanut butter?”


      Jul 22, 2009 at 12:16 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #1.6   eeyore19

      “You wanna chip in, that’s a different story. Otherwise, keep your grubby hands out of Bob Dole’s peanut butter!”

      Jul 22, 2009 at 4:34 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #1.7   Margo

      “And it’s not even his chair! It’s, like, MTV’s.”

      Aug 5, 2009 at 4:15 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #2   fluffy8u

    Hmm… this sounds like my house. Are we sure that this note is from Michigan?

    Jul 22, 2009 at 12:20 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #3   oi

    so your point is???

    Jul 22, 2009 at 12:22 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

  • #4   fluffy8u

    God knows what your doing in that bathroom too!

    Jul 22, 2009 at 12:22 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   mamason bang

      I can see you pee!

      Jul 22, 2009 at 1:50 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #4.2   Snippy

      Thank you, Gov. Palin.

      Jul 22, 2009 at 12:59 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #4.3   fluffy8u

      She ain’t gov. no more

      Jul 22, 2009 at 4:26 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #5   fluffy8u

    There are 12 I’s/my’s in that note.
    Self-centered much?

    Jul 22, 2009 at 12:24 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   Rowdy bang

      That is because she started this masterpiece with a very beautiful cinquain stanza. Probably inspired by Japanese haiku. Unfortunately, the beauty then descended into complete fucking insanity.

      Jul 22, 2009 at 5:37 am   rating: 22  small thumbs up

    • #5.2   Kelly

      My therapist says I should always use “I” statements when I criticize. For example: “I have never met anyone so stupid.” “I think you fucking suck.” “I noticed that you are incredibly unattractive.” Softens the blow, doesn’t it?

      Jul 22, 2009 at 12:58 pm   rating: 42  [  ]     

    • #5.3   Snippy

      She can still hear you blow.

      Jul 22, 2009 at 1:00 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #5.4   KatieMB

      3 times a day.

      Jul 26, 2009 at 9:26 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #6   Me

    I can conclude that you need to leave your room more often.

    Jul 22, 2009 at 12:25 am   rating: 65  [  ]     

    • #6.1   synergy

      haha! I was thinking the same thing!

      Aug 3, 2009 at 4:56 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #7   oi

    Great! but I never thought you were deaf.

    Jul 22, 2009 at 12:25 am   rating: 12  [  ]     

    • #7.1   mamason bang

      “I can hear everything.

      Bragger! Exaggerater! Exbraggerater!

      Jul 22, 2009 at 2:00 am   rating: 23  [  ]     

    • #7.2   Canthz_B bang

      Anti-exfoliater (assuming she can hear that as well)!

      Jul 22, 2009 at 2:26 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #8   M.E.

    I was unaware you could hear someone shaving.

    Jul 22, 2009 at 12:28 am   rating: 25  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   mert

      It depends on how bad the stubble is, and how dull the razor is. OR maybe her roommate was using the lid from a tuna can… I guess we will never know. :(

      Jul 22, 2009 at 12:37 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #8.2   Canthz_B bang

      Maybe she has cartoon hairs and they make a guitar-string-breaking sound when stretched to about two feet and cut.

      Jul 22, 2009 at 12:56 am   rating: 52  [  ]     

    • #8.3   mamason bang

      That’s only when she’s shaving her bikini area, CB.

      Jul 22, 2009 at 1:06 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #8.4   Canthz_B bang

      Her mouth organ?

      Jul 22, 2009 at 1:13 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #8.5   Seanette

      They do make electric shavers for women, and they can be kind of noisy (at least mine is). OTOH, that could also be an electric toothbrush or something even more personal the writer is hearing.

      Jul 22, 2009 at 4:01 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #8.6   crackjob

      …or maybe she uses a bee in a clam shell, like Fred Flintstone.

      Jul 22, 2009 at 11:37 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #8.7   *splish splash*

      Maybe the neighbour can hear the water swish when she rinses the razor.

      Jul 22, 2009 at 11:43 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #8.8   claw71 bang

      Speaking of the Flintstones, what do you suppose Betty and Wilma used to keep their giners silky smooth?

      Jul 22, 2009 at 11:50 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #8.9   crackjob

      A bee in a clam shell. Pay attention.

      (no ‘clam’ pun intended…)

      Jul 22, 2009 at 1:43 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #8.10   MAMARILLA2 bang

      I sell these Clam shells with mustaches and goatees glued on them…You have got to get one, people are snatching them up.

      Jul 22, 2009 at 2:01 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #8.11   mert

      OR maybe she heard this:

      Jul 22, 2009 at 4:44 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #9   Canthz_B bang


    I can hear you doing all of the above, except shaving your legs (when did you buy the Miracle Ear™?), even as I listen to you waste potable water in a futile attempt to mask your bodily functions.

    My advice? Save up and move to a place with thicker walls.
    In the meantime, eat more fiber…it’ll tighten up your bowel movements and cut down on the noise. You sound like you’re practicing the trombone in there!

    Jul 22, 2009 at 12:42 am   rating: 43  [  ]     

    • #9.1   cTo

      I agree. Yeah, ok, if she did use the dish sponge in the bathroom, ew, and she can clean up her hair. But she didnt BUILD the bathroom, why is it HER fault that she is using it for its intended purpose? Why doesn’t the roommate TURN ON MUSIC instead of wasting water?

      Seriously. Don’t waste water like that. Its really fucked up.

      Also, i ASSUME its female because of the leg-shave bit, but i could just as easily be wrong, and if so i apologize.

      Jul 22, 2009 at 1:25 am   rating: 37  [  ]     

    • #9.2   MAMARILLA2 bang

      Do they put the sponge back in the kitchen after using it to clean the bathroom….How long has this been going on..*retch*

      Jul 22, 2009 at 10:53 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #9.3   THX SANDRA bang

      IT puts the sponge back in the kitchen.

      Jul 22, 2009 at 3:34 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #9.4   Snippy

      People always seem to expect the IT Dept. to handle every damn problem.

      Jul 22, 2009 at 6:36 pm   rating: 40  small thumbs up

    • #9.5   clumber

      Snip – my only regret is that I can’t thumb you about 100 times more. Error : already voted!

      Jul 23, 2009 at 11:17 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #10   Zoe Right

    It’s called a bathroom- don’t listen- play the radio, go for a walk, get a life….

    Jul 22, 2009 at 12:44 am   rating: 28  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   Nihilady

      Um… it’s more than likely this is a dorm issue.. you really can’t get too far away from the bathroom, when it’s shoved between two suites. Not far you can go if you’re working/studying/writing a paper and have to leave your 10X12 room everytime your suitmate goes into shared bathroom.

      Jul 23, 2009 at 11:20 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

  • #11   lolsuz

    My bf is hypersensitive about anyone overhearing him do his business, but he knows that’s HIS deal and doesn’t expect me or anyone else to be the same way. There are times, though, when even I want to have a “cover sound” in the bathroom.

    It really pissed me OFF to hear water running for however long it takes for him to use the bathroom, though. It’s such a horrible waste of water… it was bothering me more to hear it than it would bother him to not run it. He actually agreed that it’s wasteful and we put a small radio in the bathroom. Turn it to static and viola- white noise.

    I wish every bathroom had a second switch installed in switchplate, for a white noise generator.

    Jul 22, 2009 at 12:48 am   rating: 28  [  ]     

    • #11.1   mamason bang

      I wonder if she can hear the hairs hit the floor every time one drops?

      Jul 22, 2009 at 1:57 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #11.2   GK bang

      She probably hears the whistling noise eeeeee of descent as each individual hair tumbles down through the air, finishing in a titanic BOOM as it crashes to the tiles, sending dust particles slamming into each other and tossing everywhere bang smash crumple and dust mites chittering with fear as the colossal meteor invades their fragile world squeak eek chee and scampering for cover pitter patter pitter patter.

      Really, it’s a miracle she didn’t snap sooner.

      Jul 22, 2009 at 2:19 am   rating: 86  [  ]     

    • #11.3   Bunnee

      Lolsuz, a lot of bathrooms have exactly what you’re referring to. It’s called a fan. (Even though they generally don’t work very well at removing smell, they make great instruments of subterfuge) ;)

      Jul 22, 2009 at 10:19 am   rating: 22  [  ]     

    • #11.4   much to my chagrin bang

      If a hair falls on the bathroom floor and your hypersensitive roommate isn’t around to hear it, does it make a sound?

      Jul 22, 2009 at 1:04 pm   rating: 21  small thumbs up

    • #11.5   Stupid Sexy Flanders

      GK, that was brilliant, made me recall the Polanski masterpiece Repulsion. (arino)

      Jul 24, 2009 at 8:08 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #12   orcagirl bang

    Peering through the little hole I drilled in the wall, I can see everything that happens in your apartment.
    Do not touch the towels. They are precisely placed, within the seven-inch by 11-inch space evident by the dotted line on the shelf.

    Jul 22, 2009 at 12:54 am   rating: 38  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   T imo® bang

      Bad Ronald?!? :shock:

      Jul 22, 2009 at 10:45 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #12.2   fluffy8u

      Dirty Sanchez?

      Jul 22, 2009 at 4:40 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #13   zenvelo

    finally, a note that’s pissed off for someone cleaning the bathroom! next time ASK to clean the bathroom!

    Jul 22, 2009 at 12:58 am   rating: 8  [  ]     

    • #13.1   mamason bang

      I don’t know… I’m pretty sure the pissededness stems from the usage of the dish sponge and not the actual cleaning of the bathroom itself. I’ve got visions of cross-contamination dancing in my head. Fecal mist with a touch of salmonella, anyone?

      Jul 22, 2009 at 1:04 am   rating: 10  [  ]     

    • #13.2   Canthz_B bang

      Definitely on team Sponge Segregation.

      Bathroom is bathroom, and kitchen is kitchen and never shall their germs meet.

      Jul 22, 2009 at 1:10 am   rating: 20  small thumbs up

    • #13.3   mamason bang

      And I don’t think she was sponge worthy, anyhow.

      Jul 22, 2009 at 1:10 am   rating: 31  small thumbs up

    • #13.4   Car RamRod

      Some people just aren’t cut out to have a roommate. I suppose they just belong in a padded cell in the OCD wing of a psych ward somewhere. I think just to break this person’s spirit I would go in the bathroom and masturbate feverishly and moan loudly at least twice a day until they moved out or had to be committed where they belong.

      Jul 22, 2009 at 1:16 am   rating: 38  [  ]     

    • #13.5   Canthz_B bang

      You’d be willing to cut down to twice a day?
      What a trooper! ;-)

      Jul 22, 2009 at 1:24 am   rating: 27  small thumbs up

    • #13.6   GK bang

      Canthz_B, do you have lemons in your kitchen? Because if so, the fecal mist particles could be flying down to the kitchen to land on them anyway!

      Jul 22, 2009 at 2:21 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #13.7   Canthz_B bang

      I do, but I also have a large “Yes, I Wash My Lemons” sign posted in the kitchen.
      There’s a different sign about my lemons in the bedroom. :-P

      Jul 22, 2009 at 2:33 am   rating: 17  small thumbs up

    • #13.8   Wade bang

      “And My Avocados”

      Jul 22, 2009 at 7:17 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #13.9   oi bang

      what you don’t know mama is: the note writer put dish sponge in the bathroom in first place.

      Jul 22, 2009 at 11:57 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #13.10   jaywalke

      I’d consider the Dive-Bomber for this roommate: drop a few canteloupe into the toity from a height of about six feet, all the while gasping and screaming in pain and relief.

      You know . . . just in the interest of experimenting on crazy people.

      Jul 22, 2009 at 12:46 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

  • #14   Lea

    At least she cleans the bathroom, and I doubt your world crumbles when your towel is moved a few inches. You keep the water running because you are considerate? Way to go green!

    You need to get:
    out of the room
    a life

    Jul 22, 2009 at 1:19 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   THX SANDRA bang

      It’s MY bathroom, I OWN IT.
      Take that soap and that sponge out of here or I’m calling the cops.

      Jul 22, 2009 at 11:45 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #15   Canthz_B bang

    This note is making me paranoid!

    Jul 22, 2009 at 1:20 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   mamason bang

      OMG! How dare you gargle and blow your nose and go poop in the potty and shave your legs and talk! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh! You’re still breathing? Is that a hair? Did you touch my towels? 8-O

      Jul 22, 2009 at 1:55 am   rating: 53  small thumbs up

    • #15.2   Canthz_B bang

      Not anymore. I’m doing all that shit at work from now on! Apparently, using the bathroom at home for personal hygiene is bad form.

      Jul 22, 2009 at 2:15 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #15.3   MAMARILLA2 bang

      Don’t forget to spray.

      Jul 22, 2009 at 10:57 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

  • #16   C.S. Harmonikah

    Seems a little oversensitive. Thats how apartments usually are. There are thin walls and you have no privacy. Complaining about someone blowing their nose feels petty. Turn a tv on in the background and chill.

    I used to have to hear my roommate bang bar-skanks 2-3 nights a week. I’m pretty sure at this point someone blowing their nose or pooping wont bother me.

    Jul 22, 2009 at 1:27 am   rating: 18  small thumbs up

  • #17   Canthz_B bang

    She should really be happy it was the kitchen sponge. The offending roomie could have misread spermicide as germicide…now that’s a note I’d like to see!

    Jul 22, 2009 at 1:28 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #18   Flippy

    Her “g”s are giving me a boner.

    Jul 22, 2009 at 1:33 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   Canthz_B bang

      Those G’s hit the spot, don’t they?

      Jul 22, 2009 at 1:37 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #18.2   Flippy

      Mais oui. I think it’s the sexy hook on the bottom. Perfect for what you suggest. Especially in the word “gagging”. Oh baby! Gag on this and then I’ll hit the spot for you…

      Jul 22, 2009 at 2:00 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #18.3   Flaboy2425

      I wonder if the note writer likes to fish? The tails on her Gs look like fish hooks. Hmmmmmm, fishing for men?

      Jul 22, 2009 at 12:04 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #18.4   much to my chagrin bang

      When I first read the note I thought the slash was an “l” and the word was gagginglargling.

      Jul 22, 2009 at 1:10 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #18.5   park rose

      Great galumphing gaggin glargling gargoyles, Batman!

      Jul 22, 2009 at 7:15 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #19   ShanBus

    This is exactly what two people in my former apartment did: yelling into the phone or to people in the next room whenever they were in the bathroom which shared a very thin wall with my room.

    But even though it made me want to punch a hole through the wall and grab the phone or eyelash curler or whatever out of the person’s hand and smack them with it, when I couldn’t take it anymore I would actually open the door, interrupt the screaming and ask them politely, in so many words, to STFU.

    Jul 22, 2009 at 1:38 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

  • #20   Susannie

    …I can hear undead people….

    Jul 22, 2009 at 2:35 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #20.1   Canthz_B bang

      Looks like the note writer can hear the soon to be dead!

      Jul 22, 2009 at 2:38 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #20.2   T.U.M.

      Hey, zombies need smooth gams, too.

      Jul 22, 2009 at 4:18 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

  • #21   Canthz_B bang

    I know you can always hear me, so why are you always here?

    Jul 22, 2009 at 2:47 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #22   Canthz_B bang

    See, this is why I do not support Big Brothers and Big Sisters of America!

    What’s that? That’s not who Orwell was talking about?

    Never mind.

    Jul 22, 2009 at 2:58 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

  • #23   Michelle S.

    I can hear it too… it’s the beating of her hideous heart!

    Jul 22, 2009 at 3:02 am   rating: 34  small thumbs up

    • #23.1   Geek Goddess

      Or is it the wizard’s hairy heart, developing savage tastes?

      Jul 22, 2009 at 4:09 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #23.2   Athena


      Jul 22, 2009 at 7:17 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #23.3   Athena

      Greek Goddess:

      If that really was a beedle the bard reference…. you rock my world.

      Jul 22, 2009 at 7:18 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #23.4   Raven

      “Villains!” I shrieked, “dissemble no more! I admit the deed!–tear up the planks! here, here! –It is the beating of his hideous heart!”

      Jul 22, 2009 at 9:26 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #23.5   T imo®

      Two hearts in the hand is not better than one in the fair maiden.

      Jul 22, 2009 at 9:28 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #23.6   Bwah

      I read that as “developing savage testes”.

      This made me picture hairy balls in a caveman outfit.

      I think I need to go to bed.

      Jul 22, 2009 at 11:49 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #23.7   MAMARILLA2 bang

      So. Old woman walks in to the bathroom where her husband is bent over, cleaning the tub naked. She hollers out to the main room, “Alright, who let this goat in the house.”

      Jul 22, 2009 at 12:16 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #23.8   Geek Goddess

      Athena, I have read all the books more times than I care to admit. How do you think I got my name?

      Ok, I confess, I can’t admit how many times I have read them because I lost track a long time ago.

      Jul 22, 2009 at 4:56 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #23.9   park rose

      To forget the number of times you read the books is not very geekly now, is it? You might have to go to the lower echelons of the heavens for a spell (just which one, I’ll let you decide) ;)

      Jul 22, 2009 at 7:20 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #23.10   Geek Goddess

      *hangs head and scuffs foot back and forth*

      Jul 22, 2009 at 8:49 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #23.11   notolaf

      See, I know that’s fiction. Why is the husband cleaning the bathtub? Where does that happen?

      Jul 23, 2009 at 1:42 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #24   marx

    Hey Peter man, check out channel 9, check out this chick!

    Jul 22, 2009 at 3:08 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #24.1   Canthz_B bang


      Jul 22, 2009 at 3:13 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #25   Carol

    Gosh! You and your friend are sooo PWESSIOUS!

    Jul 22, 2009 at 5:59 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #26   pegolas

    I can hear you tense up every time I make a sound.
    I can hear you sitting there, waiting for me to shave my legs and gargle.
    I can hear you waiting, waiting, waiting for the phone to ring.
    I can hear you staring aimlessly out the window
    I can hear you never, ever once, getting laid.
    I can hear every sound of your pathetic little life.

    Jul 22, 2009 at 7:03 am   rating: 36  small thumbs up

  • #27   Wade bang

    I wonder if the note writer is a fan of Theodore Geisel.

    I kept waiting for a line about Thing 1 and Thing 2.

    Jul 22, 2009 at 7:19 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #27.1   Canthz_B bang

      Gad Seuss?!

      Jul 22, 2009 at 8:31 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #27.2   Canthz_B bang

      I can hear everything.
      I can hear the forming bathtub ring.
      I can hear you use the toilet.
      You touched my towel,
      Now I must boil it.
      I hear your nose blown in the shower,
      Even at this ungodly hour.
      I hear your legs shaved in the sink,
      This note should carry penii in pink.
      Your garggle-arrrgggling’s Shatner ham,
      I do not like it, pissed-off I am!

      Jul 22, 2009 at 8:48 am   rating: 29  small thumbs up

  • #28   aaa

    Is this what prompted Sting to write “Every Breath You Take”?

    Jul 22, 2009 at 8:28 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #28.1   Canthz_B bang

      Beats me, but from now on I’ll be watching you! :-D

      Can you imagine taking a dump while Frazier Crane intones “I’m listening” over the radio?

      Jul 22, 2009 at 9:04 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #28.2   T imo® bang

      Every poop you take
      Every call you make
      Every egg you break, every step you take
      I ‘ll be hearing you.

      Oh can’t you see
      How you annoy me
      How my poor head aches
      With every sound you make

      Jul 22, 2009 at 9:52 am   rating: 21  small thumbs up

  • #29   jenny h

    This note inspired the Dashboard Confessional song, “Your hair is everywhere/screaming infidelities (which I can hear over my running water).”

    Jul 22, 2009 at 9:30 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #29.1   T imo® bang

      Chris reads PAN. :grin:

      Jul 22, 2009 at 9:43 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #29.2   MAMARILLA2 bang

      Can they hear the Rocket Pubes?

      Jul 22, 2009 at 10:26 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #30   Dave

    It might be time to move, because if blowing her nose is offensive even mildly noisey sex is just going to put her over the edge.

    Jul 22, 2009 at 9:34 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #31   GhostWriter bang

    College Dorm chummery always pulls me back to the days of Roxy Music (but let’s give the revamped 10,000 Maniacs their due; this is an ethereal cover for the singalong link…)

    I can hear ev’rything
    That you do in the shower
    Shaving legs in the sink
    That is why I run water
    I hear when you sneeze
    … hopefully gagging
    When you sit on the pot
    I notice the gurgling
    More of this – can’t stand any
    more of this – taken plenty
    more of this – shampoo’s empty…

    It was odd that you thought
    there was no way of hearing
    your voice through the walls
    Who can say what’s the reason?
    Your hair’s ev’rywhere
    Maybe you’ll clean up
    with a sponge for a dish
    Hey- not without asking!
    More of this – towels are moving
    more of this – you’ll keep doing
    more of this – I’m assuming…

    Jul 22, 2009 at 10:03 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

  • #32   claw71 bang

    Yes, but can you smell everything?

    Jul 22, 2009 at 10:05 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #33   Plain_Speaking bang

    Wow, hearing someone shave. Just make sure you put the glass back in the kitchen once you remove it from the wall.

    Jul 22, 2009 at 10:30 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

  • #34   claw71 bang

    When I’m in the bathroom I like to perform a mock sports cast of the events in my best Marv Albert voice:

    He leans forward, sphincter relaxed and YES! The first shit is good. Is that corn? When did he have corn?

    (clark kellog): Yeah Marv, it’s corn. I think he had some black bean and corn salsa on Monday.

    And he’s back in position. OH! This one seems to be hanging up a bit. Three second violation! That’s gonna cost him.

    (clark): You’ve got to get those shits off quick in this league, Marv.

    It looks like he’s finished. Not quite what he expected but still a remarkable effort. OH NO! Somebody didn’t replace the Toilet paper roll. This is not good.

    (clark): He should have checked before he went in. You’ve got to have toilet paper in this league, Marv.

    Wait! What’s he doing? YES! He’s fashioned a squeegie out of the cardboard roll. Amazing. He seems to be getting a pretty good wipe.

    (clark): But he’s only going to get two passes out of that Marv, that’s not going to be enough. Not in this league, Marv.

    It looks like he’s going to settle for a mild case of mud butt today. YES! he’s pulling up his pants. He’s flsuhing!

    (clark): But he’s flushing that cardboard from the roll! That’s going to back up the plumbing…

    And the toilet is backing up. He’s reaching for the plunger…YES! It went down. Slowly, but it’s going down. What an Amazing turn of events we’ve seen here.

    (clark) I wouldn’t be surprised to see a floater at this point Marv. Or at least a few kernels of corn.

    RE-jected! The toilet just blocked his second shit!

    (clark): He should have thrown that cardboard in the wastebasket. You can’t be flushing cardboard in this league, Marv.

    This is Un-BEEE-lievable! It looks like he’s not washing his hands. YES! He’s walked right past the sink. Somebody’s going to get e coli poisoning! That’s not going to make the commissioner happy.

    (clark): *BARF*

    Jul 22, 2009 at 10:32 am   rating: 38  small thumbs up

  • #35   Kellye

    This obsessive snipe hears her roommate shaving? What is she, a fucking cocker spaniel?

    And in related news, a running faucet uses about 2.2 gallons of water a minute, so if she runs the faucet for a hypothetical fifteen minutes while she’s in the bathroom (long enough to shit, shave, and gargle) she just wasted approximately 33 gallons of potable water.

    Congratulations, you unsustainable asshat.

    Jul 22, 2009 at 10:34 am   rating: 17  small thumbs up

    • #35.1   snayl

      that should be “cocker fucking spaniel”….

      Jul 22, 2009 at 3:01 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #35.2   T.U.M.

      Well, Notewriter doesn’t gargle, apparently, since she seems baffled as to why anyone else would do so. But that gives her extra shitting time.

      Jul 22, 2009 at 4:23 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #35.3   Geek Goddess

      She couldn’t be a cocker spaniel. They only hear sounds connected with food, like the sound of a spoon dipping into an avocado. They would totally sleep through any hygiene sounds. Cocker spaniels are just like that.

      Jul 22, 2009 at 5:01 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #35.4   Snippy

      “Meat The Cockers”

      Jul 22, 2009 at 6:45 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #36   Party in my Pants

    The writer is obviously standing with his ear to the wall. Pretty creepy!

    Jul 22, 2009 at 10:34 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #37   scattywah

    Yo, note writer: you live with someone. WAHHHHH. get over it.

    The dish sponge thing is definitely out of line, but i hate it when people take out their bitterness about having a roommate on the roommate.

    Jul 22, 2009 at 11:23 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #38   Booster

    There’s a nice cadence to this note. It reminds me of a linkin park song.

    Jul 22, 2009 at 12:20 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #38.1   Phalange

      But would these lyrics be rapped or screamed?

      Can “rapped” even be used like that? I’m so goddamn white.

      Jul 22, 2009 at 1:21 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #38.2   much to my chagrin bang

      Replies White People Leave

      Jul 22, 2009 at 1:28 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

  • #39   ryanmalloy

    I can hear you take a dump in the shower.

    Jul 22, 2009 at 1:32 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

  • #40   Gerald Ford

    So to sum up. *ahem
    Die you shedding wolverine harpie!
    Die a horrible electrocution death.
    Die and be cast into a flaming pit of constant mumblers.

    Jul 22, 2009 at 1:41 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

  • #41   T.U.M.

    I hear the cottonwoods whispering low,
    Tammy, Tammy’s blowing her nose.

    The ole hootie owl hootie-hoos to me, too.
    Tammy, Tammy’s using the loo!

    Jul 22, 2009 at 4:28 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

  • #42   claw71 bang

    Did you ever take a shit and one of the turds clings to an ass hair? It’s swinging around back there like Tarzan…Turdzan!. You shake your ass and flex your cheeks but that turd won’t let go. Before you know it you’re grunting and stomping around. The toilet’s shaking back and forth but that turd just keeps swinging. Smacking into your butt cheeks leaving poopy footprints all over your ass, smearing up on the seat and everything. Man I hate those swinging turds. Oh yeah, go ahead and try to make a toilet paper glove and pull it off. Just as you reach for it the TP falls off and you grab that turd with your bare hands. Shit all up under your nails.

    Jul 22, 2009 at 4:38 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #42.1   mert

      When it swings back and hits you in the taint… isn’t that called the Lumber Jack?

      Jul 22, 2009 at 4:50 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #42.2   Snippy

      ♫ “When turds swing to and fro
      … and refuse to let go…
      That’s amoré …” ♫

      Jul 22, 2009 at 6:42 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #42.3   much to my chagrin bang

      Claw, everything you write makes me laugh till bodily fluids are seeping from my every orifice.

      Jul 22, 2009 at 11:02 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #43   Kate

    So here is the thing.

    I have this medical condition which means that food and liquid I eat and drink become urine and faeces.
    This means that at a number of time through out the day I need to use something called a toilet to rid myself of the urine and faeces. I understand that this can cause noises that can be disgusting.

    Please understand that this is a rare condition that I cannot help. I understand that people who do not find the need to expel waste matter, like yourself, can find this difficult to live with. I can only apologise for this situation.

    Jul 22, 2009 at 4:52 pm   rating: 28  small thumbs up

    • #43.1   Mark bang

      Apologise? Faeces? What language are you speaking?

      Jul 22, 2009 at 5:39 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #43.2   park rose


      My language can be hell to spell sometimes, but it sure makes blood and poo look pretty. Extra thumbs up for anyone who can run the ae together. I know it’s not too difficult (but I can’t do it). I’ll wait for Wade.

      Don’t worry, Mark ♥. The spell-check I ran on those words doesn’t like any of them, so it will homogenise soon.
      However, it did suggest I change ‘poo’ to ‘pooh’. :)

      I lost this whole post while editing it. Had to look all those damn words up again!

      Jul 22, 2009 at 7:04 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #43.3   Canthz_B bang

      If what I ate turned into faeces, I’d disguise it all by drawing on little mustaches.

      Jul 22, 2009 at 8:15 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #43.4   Bunnee

      Rose, don’t you mean you’d wait for Waed? :)

      Jul 22, 2009 at 11:27 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #43.5   anglophile bang

      Oh, that rose. She’s like a walking encyclopaedia.

      And don’t you mean moustache, CB?

      Jul 23, 2009 at 12:01 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #43.6   park rose

      Of course, Bunnee. Thaenks for the correction ;)

      Moustache is such a cute word!

      Jul 23, 2009 at 12:14 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #43.7   GK bang

      Pærk rose: You can do an ae ligature by typing æ into the comment box. amusing and edumacational!

      Jul 23, 2009 at 5:19 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #43.8   park rose bang


      Jul 23, 2009 at 9:55 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #43.9   Kate

      Oh sorry, fæces.

      Silly me what was I thinking?

      (on a mac you type alt + ‘ )

      Jul 23, 2009 at 4:32 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #43.10   Canthz_B bang


      August 31, 1999


      S.C. Dixon wrote:

      I have always been curious about the origin of the word “moustache,” which I understand is singular, the correct plural form being “moustaches.” Any input?

      First, that the standard spelling in America is now mustache, though moustache remains the usual form in Britain.

      The word mustache usually refers to the hair growing on the upper lip of a human, and especially to such hair deliberately cultivated by men, often trimmed in any of various styles. The transferred senses are relatively straightforward, and include ‘hairs or bristles growing near the mouth of an animal’ and ‘a stripe of color, or elongated feathers, on the side of the head of a bird’.

      Mustache, first recorded in the sixteenth century, is most immediately a borrowing from Middle French moustache. The standard British spelling preserves the unaltered French form, though some of the early British dictionaries (such as Dr. Johnson’s) preferred the Anglicized form mustache. Pronunciationwise, “MOO-stash” is occasionally heard, and in British English the stress is usually muh-STASH.

      The French word was borrowed from Italian mostaccio, which, together with Spanish mostacho, gave us the English word mustachio, which refers to a usually large mustache. Ultimately the word is from Greek mystax ‘the upper lip; mustache’.

      The word’s plural is indeed mustaches (or moustaches), if you want to use it in a sentence such as “Many of the men had mustaches.” But I assume you may be asking about the use of the plural in reference to an individual man’s lip hair. Occasionally mustache is used to mean ‘the hair on either side of a man’s upper lip’, with the entire upper-lip-hair being called mustaches or a pair of mustaches. This is not very common, but should you choose to use it, the spelling is the same as the normal plural.

      So my answer is: No. I meant what I wrote. :mrgreen:

      Jul 25, 2009 at 4:24 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #44   MRG

    Did anyone else think that the way the submitter got the note was passive-aggressive? I mean, pretending to be sympathetic just so she could get her hands on the note and show the world. I think that’s the definition of passive-aggressive!

    Jul 22, 2009 at 6:12 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #44.1   T.U.M.

      Yeah, that was kind of metaPA.

      Jul 22, 2009 at 10:56 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #45   park rose

    gigglebrax fail

    Jul 22, 2009 at 7:03 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #46   gamergf

    God? God’s your roommate? What a stalker, that God dude.

    Jul 22, 2009 at 7:21 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #47   Michelle S.

    In a way, I felt some sympathy for the note-writer. The note was obnoxious, but I get the feeling she has SPD, which is something I suffer from as well. Imagine how it feels to sit with someone eating, for instance, and the delicate smacking/crunching noises they make while enjoying their food are like a jackhammer on your skull – you just want to scream “STOP CHEWING ASSHOLE!!” at people. Anyway. Yeah, I know. ;D

    Jul 23, 2009 at 10:29 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #47.1   mamason bang

      SPD? :-?

      Seriously pissy douche? :lol:

      Jul 24, 2009 at 2:29 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #47.2   Michelle S.

      Exactly. Also known as sensory processing disorder. ;)

      Jul 24, 2009 at 4:18 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #48   Juliet

    Obviously running water doesn’t help if she can hear her blowing her nose in the shower!

    Jul 23, 2009 at 4:04 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #49   bobby

    That is some CRAZY right there. However I still maintain that a note cannot be aggressive because it is a note. The fact that it is a note is what makes the aggression passive. Instead of confronting you aggressively, she is skirting around confronting you and using a note.

    I had a roommate once who we told, “Just tell us what you want us to do, we will understand, you don’t need to write a note,” and she responded something to the effect of, “I write a note so I can control what I’m saying without screaming in your face over how angry you make me.” Crazy.

    Jul 24, 2009 at 1:57 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #49.1   Seanette

      Actually, communicating by note CAN work. Writing (at least for me) forces me to THINK about what’s being said, which in turn forces me to state my POV more clearly and rationally and usually keeps me from dragging in all the other irritations and old stuff I probably would face-to-face.

      Jul 24, 2009 at 2:06 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #50   DC

    This was sort of poetic, actually. It could work on Poetry Slam Open Mike Nite at the local coffee house. I’ve actually lived on the other side of a bathroom in a place with thin walls and no amount of water-running would have helped THAT situation.

    Jul 27, 2009 at 6:05 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #51   Beth

    I’m going to print this note off and put it in our bathroom. Because nothing ruins “the mood” like hearing your roommates peeing.

    Also will add a line about flushing used tampons instead of letting them sit in the bowl. And about flushing bowel movements.

    I have nasty roommates.

    Aug 6, 2009 at 8:28 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #51.1   Seanette

      Actually, I’m told tampons are not good for the plumbing and should not be flushed (check the box or instruction leaflet).

      Aug 6, 2009 at 8:49 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #51.2   Beth

      It depends on the plumbing. Most city plumbing can handle them. And the packages of tampons I buy say they’re flushable. The only times I’ve had trouble are when the plumbing is old (more than 10 or 15 years). And of course if you’re living in the country on a septic system, flushing is a definite no-no.

      However, since rooomie is leaving her tampons in the toilet anyhow, she may as well flush them, since I can’t think of a single person in the house who’d be willing to reach in and grab it.

      Aug 6, 2009 at 8:58 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #52   Sdanektir

    Woohoo! Hope they heal quickly! Aside from the fact that they haven’t healed yet, how do you feel about the job this go around?

    Aug 6, 2009 at 2:09 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #53   blondinkaya

    This is an excellent review.

    Sep 25, 2009 at 10:47 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #54   p.s. you’re not invited to my birthday party, either!

    [...] related: i can hear everything [...]

    Oct 16, 2009 at 12:13 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #55   pony girl bang

    I think Santa needs a vacation.

    Oct 16, 2009 at 7:51 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #56   Brett Bretterson

    Hm, I wonder if she goes to the same college I do. We have a rather annoying suite system in the dorms where neighbors share a bathroom. The bathroom has two doors, neither of which can be locked and neither of which muffles any noise whatsoever. Always great when the neighbors drink themselves sick and spend an hour puking in there…

    Apr 7, 2010 at 12:38 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up


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