The Kronic—what?—kles of Keith

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July 30th, 2009 · 151 comments

One lazy Sunday, when our anonymous submitter in Minneapolis spotted this bit of graphity on a wooden bridge at a park, “At first I thought it was sweet in a sad kind of way,” he says. But then he kept finding more — “on benches, picnic tables, even trees, and they got progressively more insane.”

And yet, as many questions as these notes raise, I’m sure we can all agree that whatever Keith’s wife did, IT HAD TO BE DONE.

Here, Keith’s wife really shows off her flair for language (which we got a brief glimpse of in her earlier “hot dog” opus.)

Then, evidently quite pleased with herself, Keith’s wife gives herself an encore on another bench.

related: to have and to hold

FILED UNDER: blitzkrieg approach · drugs · ex drama · heart · Minneapolis/St. Paul · money · WTF?

151 responses so far ↓

#1 Kelly

How could you have forgotten to post the last note?:

PS In case you couldn’t tell from my subtle hints, “she” was born with a penis.

Jul 30, 2009 at 10:23 pm rating: 12

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#2 kissmyfanny

I like hookers @hot dog stands. They make the world go ’round… =)

She’s crazy!

Jul 30, 2009 at 10:34 pm rating: 3

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- #2.1 TheOldSchool
  
  kmf,
  
  I could be wrong about this, but I suspect that he message writer is a former working girl who knows a good deal about “the game.”
  
  The high-income-earning prostitutes (escorts) learn early on in their careers that the best places to find rich men to “date” are always the local hog dog stands.
  
  It stands to reason. After all, it doesn’t take a a mathematician to realize that those who can afford to regularly frequent hot dog stands are usually: sophisticated, wealthy, and gentlemen of leisure who, more often than not, are beyond reproach.
  
  While these fellows are quite willing to spend any amount of money in order to satiate their most primal urges, they are also discriminating connoisseurs in matters such as the selection of their paramours.
  
  You have to view it from the gentleman’s perspective. You see, his aim is, undoubtedly, to turn an ordinary, common debauchery into something that will be viewed as a most pleasurable and delightful experience for both himself and his partner.
  
  He would like the occasion to be as memorable and as cherished as well-loved melody.
  
  Given his goals, you can be certain that he will certainly insist that the partner he selects possess, at the very least, the body of one of Botticelli’s more voluptuous nymphs.
  
  And, given the fact that the fellow has enough dash and refinement to have become well-known to those who are habitues of the “hot dog scene,” he’ll no doubt require that the young lady also possess that enigmatic, yet still recognizable gleam in her eye that, when caught just right in the light of a flicjkering neon hot dog sign, resembles nothing so much as a whimsical whirl of a starburst against velvety night sky.
  
  One glance in one another’s direction, and they instinctively know that they are destined for a rendezvous with enchantment.
  
  So, anyway, kmf. I certain the message lady’s been off game for a time.
  
  I’m fairly certain that hookers like guys who hang out at hotdog stands, but maybe she was referencing the similarity in shape between the phallus and the ballpark frank. (I hope not, as that does strike me as being a bit ribald. There’s no need for that kind of talk, no matter how upset you are with Keith. )
  
  Anyway, I hope the two kids work things out. They seem like a nice couple.
  
  Jul 30, 2009 at 11:43 pm rating: 61
- #2.2 robyn
  
  Shit! My town doesn’t even have a hot dog stand.
  
  Jul 31, 2009 at 12:25 pm rating: 8
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#3 TheOldSchool

I think this is part of the new Match.com campaign.

Jul 30, 2009 at 10:34 pm rating: 57

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- #3.1 TheOldSchool
  
  Match.com: It’s OK to look.
  
  Match.com: It’s OK to loom.
  
  Match.com: It’s OK to loiter.
  
  Match.com: It’s OK to lose it.
  
  Match.com: If he wanders, make him pay.
  
  Match.com: Start a new fire. Burn his ass.
  
  Jul 31, 2009 at 9:27 pm rating: 24
- #3.2 TheOldSchool
  
  Match.com: Because he is just that into you. Whether he knows it or not.
  
  Jul 31, 2009 at 9:30 pm rating: 25
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#4 Canaduck

Maybe this is part of some goofy avant-garde student project.

…does that angle make it any less irritating and stupid…or moreso?

Jul 30, 2009 at 10:39 pm rating: 15

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#5 Lisa

Why all the “quotes” around “she” & “her”? ‘

‘Spose Keith’s shacked up with a tranny?

Jul 30, 2009 at 10:43 pm rating: 16

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- #5.1 TheOldSchool
  
  Or maybe a woman with a low voice and an unfeasibly large clit.
  
  (Some women I’ve been “seeing” have clits that are six or seven, or even eight inches long.) Anyone who tells you that women’s bodies aren’t RAPIDLY changing is a definitely a nutter.
  
  Jul 30, 2009 at 11:53 pm rating: 16
- #5.2 Mishee
  
  I hate to tell you TOS, but no matter what they say, if it’s 6-8 inches long, those aren’t women!
  
  They probably just haven’t finished their surgeries yet…
  
  Jul 31, 2009 at 12:01 am rating: 19
- #5.3 jethro1138
  
  I took those at a park that’s commonly used for walking dogs, so I assumed Keith got a dog and neglected the wife. Or something. Then I found the other notes.
  
  Jul 31, 2009 at 12:23 am rating: 10
- #5.4 Canthz_B
  
  Do we have to explain “anonymous”?
  
  Jul 31, 2009 at 12:28 am rating: 8
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#6 COURTNEY

Haha wwwoah, and I thought I was a headcase with my ex.

Jul 30, 2009 at 10:47 pm rating: 6

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- #6.1 Kelly
  
  You were. I still have nightmares.
  
  Jul 30, 2009 at 11:33 pm rating: 21
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#7 Meh

You think hookers would avoid food that looks like a dick. “Don’t bring your work home with you.” – the hooker’s motto.

Jul 30, 2009 at 10:51 pm rating: 26

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#8 Meh

Ahh straight out of one of Shakespeare’s lesser-known works.

What we see here is a tragic case of middle school love gone wrong. Kieth finally got under her training bra by having her snort pixie stick and getting that sugar high. Once Kieth’s “wife” (that would be a proper use of quotes missy!) had her hooked on the stuff, she snorted them so much she developed a mild case of diabetes, but as long as she kept off of the stuff she would be fine. The withdrawls made her tired, and her libido fell so much that the hanky panky with Kieth became very scarce. Keith’s budding body was then spiraling out of control in a frenzy of hormones, that was until he met “her”. “She” was a older “girl” who had a thing for thirteen year old boys. They didn’t want to climb in “her” man-made vagina, they just wanted to feel “her” man-made brests, thus making her feel less of a slut. So, Kieth left his “wife” for “her”. The “wife’s” emotions/irrationality got the better of her, so she then felt the need to write these notes for the rest of mindkind to take pity on her, make a gilded statue in her image, and possibly to lynch the hearless bastard that didn’t take an adolescent relationship seriously.

Jul 30, 2009 at 11:03 pm rating: 9

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#9 Elchuy

Did anyone else read the end of the first post as “you are the half that makes me whale?”

It took two or three readings to figure what she actually meant…. o.0

Jul 30, 2009 at 11:13 pm rating: 71

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- #9.1 TastyPrawn
  
  I read it that way, too. I sat here staring quite awhile going “What does she mean by ‘makes me whale’? Does she mean ‘wail’? That still doesn’t make sense…”
  
  Jul 30, 2009 at 11:21 pm rating: 3
- #9.2 park rose
  
  That’d be either the sperm whale or the killer whale.
  
  Jul 30, 2009 at 11:25 pm rating: 6
- #9.3 situational lefty
  
  Call me Ishmael, bitches.
  
  Jul 31, 2009 at 12:25 am rating: 44
- #9.4 dorkahontas
  
  Me too, also.
  
  We should call her Ishmael.
  
  Jul 31, 2009 at 12:26 am rating: 4
- #9.5 dorkahontas
  
  Oh goody. My first post here and it’s a dupe.
  
  Um, hi, y’all!
  
  Jul 31, 2009 at 12:41 am rating: 5
- #9.6 Canthz_B
  
  Me too, also, as well, too.
  
  Sorry, I was channeling Sarah Palin also, too!
  
  Jul 31, 2009 at 12:57 am rating: 9
- #9.7 dorkahontas
  
  In addition to, too! Also.
  
  Jul 31, 2009 at 1:01 am rating: 17
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#10 drybamboo

“You are the half that makes me whale your wife”

Punctuation is important. (So is making sure your letters aren’t smudged.)

Jul 30, 2009 at 11:16 pm rating: 6

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#11 park rose

Prince’s real name is Keith, isn’t it?

Jul 30, 2009 at 11:26 pm rating: 2

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- #11.1 TheOldSchool
  
  No, Rose. It’s Charles. He’s recently married. A lovely woman. Camilla. I’m so happy for them both. After what that dreadful Fergie put him through. Dangling his babies off the balcony. Sucking that businessman’s penis on the Jerry Lewis Show. Where are the parents? Out partying, I suppose. Meanwhile, it’s McKenna’s 18th birthday and her mother’s got her out shoveling snow in July and that means that she’s dealing coke and wants McKenna to cut it up some more because those summer school kids on campus don’t know Dr. Dre from Draino. Let’s have a moment of silence now for the nostrils of Stevie Nicks. Time’s up.
  
  Jul 31, 2009 at 12:06 am rating: 30
- #11.2 Mishee
  
  I can put up with alot of shit from you TOS, sometimes I even enjoy your ramblings…
  
  But you leave Stevie Nicks out of this before I punch you in the solar plexus!
  
  Jul 31, 2009 at 12:11 am rating: 5
- #11.3 The Commish
  
  Thanks for answering Rose, TOS. For a second I thought she was blaspheming the name of His Purple Majesty.
  
  Jul 31, 2009 at 1:36 pm rating: 2
- #11.4 park rose
  
  never mind.
  
  Aug 2, 2009 at 6:04 am rating: 0
- #11.5 oi
  
  but I do mind.
  
  Aug 2, 2009 at 11:24 am rating: 0
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#12 Canthz_B

–This soap opera has been brought to you by Ivory Snow…

*cue organ and violins*

Jul 30, 2009 at 11:27 pm rating: 2

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- #12.1 Julia
  
  As the park bench turns?
  
  Jul 31, 2009 at 12:18 pm rating: 13
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#13 Belinda

What’s up with the multiple pens? More likely an art project or more likely she broke the pens by pressing so hard to write these missives on non-standard media?

Jul 30, 2009 at 11:33 pm rating: 1

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- #13.1 Canthz_B
  
  Or she wrote them on different days, with different pens.
  Otherwise, this is better documentation of a swift descent into madness than any psychologist has ever compiled!
  
  Jul 30, 2009 at 11:51 pm rating: 9
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#14 anglophile

Doesn’t this girl have a cell phone to send these texts? Is she Amish or what?

Jul 30, 2009 at 11:49 pm rating: 40

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- #14.1 Mishee
  
  Or possibly she is a shiftless Mennonite?
  
  Jul 31, 2009 at 12:13 am rating: 9
- #14.2 jethro1138
  
  If she texted the guy, nobody else would see it.
  
  There was one message where she actually wrote his full name!
  
  Jul 31, 2009 at 12:26 am rating: 4
- #14.3 unbalanced
  
  And will he be at the park to read them????
  
  Jul 31, 2009 at 1:03 am rating: 2
- #14.4 Canthz_B
  
  Keith Jacob Jingleheimer-Schmitt?
  
  His name is my name too!
  
  Jul 31, 2009 at 1:16 am rating: 28
- #14.5 anglophile
  
  Huh. Whenever I go out, the people always shout. I never know why though.
  
  Jul 31, 2009 at 10:01 am rating: 18
- #14.6 Bunnee
  
  Unbalanced, of course he will be at the park to read them. Don’t you know all meth heads do their drug deals at the park?
  
  Jul 31, 2009 at 10:12 am rating: 2
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#15 BrookeDiz

I think the handwriting is different from note to note.

– CSI Minneapolis

Jul 31, 2009 at 12:01 am rating: 4

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- #15.1 leftfoot
  
  The capitalized A’s are the same in notes 3 and 4 and the handwriting is quite similar in 1 and 2. 3 and 4 could be a second personality emerging.
  
  Jul 31, 2009 at 12:28 am rating: 9
- #15.2 Squirrely
  
  It’s the y’s that really give away the game. They’re completely different in notes 1, 2, and 3. Chalk the similar handwriting up to the D’Nealian writing system.
  
  Jul 31, 2009 at 9:53 am rating: 3
- #15.3 Xenobiologista
  
  How old do you have to be to have been taught to write that way?!?
  
  Jul 31, 2009 at 10:39 am rating: 2
- #15.4 Michelle S.
  
  The y’s don’t necessarily give anything away, considering they vary widely within the same notes on nearly all the photos. For instance, there are at least 3 different y’s in the third note alone. Swoops and strokes vary in most people’s handwriting depending on the speed, pen, surface and emotional state.
  
  I think the more interesting features to compare are things like the capitalization/underscore of words to emphasize, the way the upper case T’s and J’s umbrella the next letter. The curled tails on her upper case A’s, R’s, and K’s and the small a’s and u’s. All the notes share similar and unusual features to one or more other notes.
  
  I don’t claim to be an expert, but it looks to me like they were all written by the same person in different moods. The note that alludes to suicide is the most interesting to me in that there’s a dramatic flair to the hand, but it’s controlled – resigned – lacking the anger in the other notes.
  
  Aug 1, 2009 at 1:13 am rating: 10
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#16 Mishee

I’m wondering why she thinks she has “paid for what she did” when he is the one who has been seeing “her”?

Jul 31, 2009 at 12:07 am rating: 3

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- #16.1 Canthz_B
  
  Hey, you steal a guy’s drugs, and introduce him to the crack whore he leaves you for, you feel a little responsible.
  
  Jul 31, 2009 at 12:11 am rating: 19
- #16.2 Mishee
  
  Er, well, either way, men are pigs.
  
  Jul 31, 2009 at 12:13 am rating: 3
- #16.3 TheOldSchool
  
  Hey! C’mon, Mishee.
  
  Let’s not drag pigs into this mud.
  
  Jul 31, 2009 at 8:25 pm rating: 4
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#17 Meh

Kieth,

You are the half that makes me whole… I be as happay as a hooker at a hot dog stand- one big dumb smile at all times… for introducing me to that… world of drugs… You did… me…- NICE JOB!

Jul 31, 2009 at 12:11 am rating: 0

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- #17.1 park rose
  
  Mhe, you certianly have some trouble with lettre order.
  
  Jul 31, 2009 at 1:48 am rating: 4
- #17.2 Meh
  
  I’m just reading between the lines to find the true message. Sorry if the typos came out in my persuit of truth. By the way, I do know how to spell Keith.
  
  Jul 31, 2009 at 12:39 pm rating: 0
- #17.3 Bunnee
  
  But not pursuit?
  
  Jul 31, 2009 at 2:52 pm rating: 4
- #17.4 Meh
  
  Whoops. You got me. Where’s the spellcheck on these things anyway?
  
  Jul 31, 2009 at 11:53 pm rating: 0
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#18 Wade

I always wondered where Keith Richards found his inspiration.

Jul 31, 2009 at 12:14 am rating: 15

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- #18.1 Mishee
  
  Maybe he didn’t leave her, but just forgot her after the head injury that was a result of his little spill out of the coconut tree in Figi?
  
  Jul 31, 2009 at 12:16 am rating: 5
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#19 JetJackson

It’s the Kubler-Ross model, five stages of grief…

Denial – How can you act as if I don’t exist…

Anger – Money can only buy you happiness if…

Bargaining – I will be leaving soon… at least you will be able to say one of us made it out alive…

Depression – I pay for what I did every day…

Acceptance – I am guessing she finally left the park hence no more messages.

Jul 31, 2009 at 12:22 am rating: 41

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- #19.1 Canthz_B
  
  Or her sponsor picked her up and took her to a nearby meeting.
  
  Jul 31, 2009 at 12:25 am rating: 24
- #19.2 jethro1138
  
  Actually there were a few more messages. PAN only lets you upload five (; Hopefully more will get posted soon.
  
  Also I found more after those.
  
  And then more a week or two later (must take camera to park again).
  
  Jul 31, 2009 at 12:30 am rating: 11
- #19.3 Mishee™
  
  I think this park needs to be included in Minneapolis’ Travel Guides.
  
  Jul 31, 2009 at 12:34 am rating: 18
- #19.4 Kelly
  
  Should I feel guilty that I’m making light of someone’s descent in to madness, as written on park benches?
  
  Jul 31, 2009 at 1:25 am rating: 5
- #19.5 Canthz_B
  
  Nope. This is a purely guilt-free zone!
  
  Jul 31, 2009 at 1:34 am rating: 9
- #19.6 park rose
  
  Kelly, you’ve not read my emails to beloveds. They follow a similar tract/track.
  
  I’m siding with the Kubler-Ross comments above, and you probably should be glad you don’t know me better
  
  Hold on, some more have gone up! I have to admit I don’t know anything about hot dog stands, or whales or J.H., but I can work up a pretty good rhyming scheme.
  
  Despite all that is said and done, my love is everlasting, too…
  
  Jul 31, 2009 at 1:56 am rating: 2
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#20 leftfoot

what? no billboards?

Jul 31, 2009 at 12:23 am rating: 4

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- #20.1 JetJackson
  
  Billboards… would be cool to see a pan on a billboard. The best spot I have seen one was at the start of the year at a music festival. Prodigy were playing and they must have been trying to film the act from somewhere as they had these massive projection screens everywhere and all of a sudden this message comes up on the screen with something along the lines of “Security guard at front of house move! You are blocking the camera” It stayed up for about 5 minutes but in my inebriated state I forgot to take a photo for pan.
  
  Jul 31, 2009 at 1:42 am rating: 2
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#21 srsly

This is actually horrendously sad to me. Maybe it’s because of my personal perspective, but I’m reading ‘she’ as heroin. And that wifey may have introduced Keith to some other (“softer”) drug, and he introduced her to “HER”, but she’s gotten clean, and he has not, and she’s reaching out in places he may frequent.
Just my 2 cents.

Jul 31, 2009 at 12:31 am rating: 19

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- #21.1 Meh
  
  http://tbn0.google.com/images?q=tbn:ClUQ-yFbcTtLzM:http://www.catalogs.com/info/bestof/wp-content/uploads/2009/01/debbie_downer.jpg
  
  Jul 31, 2009 at 12:34 am rating: 10
- #21.2 srsly
  
  ‘kay, didn’t realize differing perspectives aren’t kosher here.
  
  Jul 31, 2009 at 12:37 am rating: 7
- #21.3 Mishee™
  
  I’ve had a drug problem in the past, and speaking from personal experience, this does NOT sound like the rantings and ravings of a sober mind…
  
  Jul 31, 2009 at 12:38 am rating: 10
- #21.4 techimpaired
  
  Hard to say. It also looks like the not quite organized thinking of a borderline psychotic too.
  
  Jul 31, 2009 at 12:44 am rating: 5
- #21.5 Canthz_B
  
  Mishee™’s only drug problem is when her supplier is out of town!
  
  Jul 31, 2009 at 12:48 am rating: 1
- #21.6 Mishee™
  
  LOL CB, right you are!
  
  ok, let me rephrase the first part of my comment..
  
  “I’ve had a meth problem in the past…”
  
  Jul 31, 2009 at 12:55 am rating: 0
- #21.7 Canthz_B
  
  I told you to pay more attention in chemistry class…but nooo!!
  
  Jul 31, 2009 at 1:02 am rating: 4
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#22 techimpaired

You gotta wonder, did the mysterious “she” make Keith abandon this poster child for Sanity Fair? I refuse to believe anyone can actually break someone else’s brain this entirely just by cheating and leaving. And unless he held a gun to her head and shoved shrooms down her throat, nobody forced Miss Whackjob 2009 to take drugs. She must’ve been just a tad warped before he left. I’m betting the crazy factor pushed him out the door. If someone left notes like this for me I’d skip town. Fast. Permanently. Leaving skidmarks and a tiny yellow puddle in my wake.

Jul 31, 2009 at 12:33 am rating: 8

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- #22.1 Mishee™
  
  It just depends on how she rates on Barney Stinson’s Crazy/Hot Scale…
  
  Jul 31, 2009 at 12:35 am rating: 16
- #22.2 bikermomrt
  
  I like that name “Sanity Fair” . There would be the emotional roller coaster.
  
  Jul 31, 2009 at 12:54 pm rating: 7
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#23 Mishee™

Poem #2 would’ve ended better with

“I wonder who’ll hammer her as you’re getting hammered in jail…”

Jul 31, 2009 at 12:37 am rating: 12

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#24 situational lefty

Haiku time!

Despite your relish
The hookers at hot dog stands
Are never happy.

Jul 31, 2009 at 12:43 am rating: 27

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- #24.1 mamason
  
  Damned indigestion
  hot dog induced, bathroom cries
  don’t ketchup, must-terd
  
  Jul 31, 2009 at 1:06 am rating: 16
- #24.2 anglophile
  
  Despite the hookers,
  I never really relish
  Happy hot dog stands.
  
  Jul 31, 2009 at 2:11 pm rating: 6
- #24.3 Bretagnelaw
  
  Love you forever,
  Sorry I wronged you, darling,
  Die Miserable.
  
  Jul 31, 2009 at 6:15 pm rating: 5
- #24.4 dorkahontas
  
  Keith will enjoy “her”
  sleazy money; “she”his dick.
  Big dumb smile? Hot dog!
  
  Aug 1, 2009 at 6:41 pm rating: 2
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#25 Delurker

Keith, you are a prick
May you rot alone in jail,
I truly love you.

Jul 31, 2009 at 12:54 am rating: 24

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#26 Bunnee

She forgot to sign off with, “Call me!”

Jul 31, 2009 at 10:09 am rating: 7

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#27 park rose

Remember how easy JH ___ ___ ____?
Remember you did her while holding a fork?
And remember how easy she ____ ___ ____?
While you’re in jail he’ll be doing you too.
Remember how easy she _____ ____ ____?
Even though her face is like the back of a truck.
Remember how easy JH ____ _____ _____?
Austin Powers and you always have to brag.

Jul 31, 2009 at 10:52 am rating: 2

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#28 Allie

I loved the title reference to The Lonley Island.

And this woman is batshit crazy.

Jul 31, 2009 at 10:56 am rating: 1

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- #28.1 aaa
  
  If she were really that crazy, she would’ve referenced The Catcher in the Rye. Keith does seem to be rather phony, after all…
  
  Aug 1, 2009 at 10:37 am rating: 3
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#29 Woman on the Verge

All I can say is: It’s a damn good thing she still loves him. Imagine what kind of crazy she’d unleash if she hated him!

Jul 31, 2009 at 11:25 am rating: 27

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#30 T.U.M.

“You are the half that makes me whole…” “…after all we’ve shared…” OMG, Keith and his wife are former conjoined twins!

Now Keith’s preference for transsexuals makes perfect sense.

Jul 31, 2009 at 11:26 am rating: 5

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#31 Jen

Jethro – What park is this?? I am in Minneapolis as well!

Jul 31, 2009 at 11:26 am rating: 1

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- #31.1 Hot-ta-Mahli
  
  Same here…..would love to know which park this is from. Perhaps Loring??
  
  Jul 31, 2009 at 12:19 pm rating: 1
- #31.2 jethro1138
  
  It’s Lochness Park in Blaine. Saying “Minneapolis” was just easier (:
  
  Jul 31, 2009 at 3:18 pm rating: 3
- #31.3 Jen
  
  Ahhh Blaine…that explains it!
  
  Aug 1, 2009 at 3:24 pm rating: 1
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#32 Miss Silver

That is crazy. Seriously. How many places can you graffiti with that bleeding heart crap?!

Jul 31, 2009 at 11:27 am rating: 2

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- #32.1 Geek Goddess
  
  Is this a contest? How do we keep score? Do we need independent certification that we actually did the graffiti ourselves? Is there a prize for the person who graffitis the most places? Maybe we could have a special prize for the person who graffitis the most original place. And for the person who takes the biggest risk in graffitiing.
  
  I love a PAN contest!
  
  Jul 31, 2009 at 4:46 pm rating: 6
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#33 Amanda

whoah, nelly – call the graffiti police. she’s taggin the place up with her emo baggage…

boo hoo, see a therapist!

Jul 31, 2009 at 11:36 am rating: 2

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- #33.1 aaa
  
  ‘Cuz K’s an emo kid, nonconforming as can be. You’d be nonconforming too if you were just like K.
  
  Aug 2, 2009 at 7:32 am rating: 1
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#34 Sirius¤

I’m with Keith on this one — borderline personality psycho-girl sex is usually worth it.

Team Whatever-Identity-Keith-Eventually-Assumes-To-Get-Away-From-Ms-Crazypants

What, you don’t think my name’s really Sirius¤, do you?

Jul 31, 2009 at 12:24 pm rating: 8

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#35 crackjob

The “I still love you…” squished in at the very end of the last note there really did it for me. Truly a “I FUCKING HATE YOU. Text me later” moment.

But back to the more important issue – the unbridled scribbling on public property. Makes you wonder if this city abides the Law of Graphity…

Jul 31, 2009 at 12:43 pm rating: 4

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#36 Joe 2

Honey, save yourself the writer’s cramp. Rent the giant video screen at Times Square and be done with it!

Jul 31, 2009 at 12:51 pm rating: 1

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#37 yomama

K,

Yes, I am an arrogant whale of a hot dog. At least JH doesn’t kick me out and force me to sleep on park benches. At least “She” gives me sleazy money so I can enjoy the comfort of a mattress.

Keith.

Jul 31, 2009 at 1:11 pm rating: 5

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#38 lebass

do you think that maybe one message was real and then other pranksters decided to write the other ones and make it even more dramatic?

Jul 31, 2009 at 1:20 pm rating: 4

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#39 bskelactica

I’d really like to know what park this is in so I can go see for myself… I’ve been looking for an excuse to visit Minneapolis and just wander around with my camera and this would be fun to go find.

Jul 31, 2009 at 1:31 pm rating: 2

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#40 oi

omg! This is truly the piece to be savored time and again.

Jul 31, 2009 at 2:44 pm rating: 0

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#41 Natasha

Hey, at least she spelled “every day” right!

Jul 31, 2009 at 2:49 pm rating: 0

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#42 marlo

My dad’s name is Keith. oy.

Jul 31, 2009 at 2:50 pm rating: 0

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- #42.1 Mishee™
  
  *gasp*
  
  My nephew’s Aunt on his mother’s side’s ex boyfriend’s name is Keith!
  
  Jul 31, 2009 at 3:08 pm rating: 5
- #42.2 oi
  
  *double gasp*
  *short of breath*
  My neighbor’s sister in law’s brother’s girlfriend’s neighbor’s brother’s mother in law’s name starts with K too.
  
  Jul 31, 2009 at 3:12 pm rating: 6
- #42.3 Mark
  
  I am your father’s brother’s nephew’s cousin’s former roommate.
  
  Jul 31, 2009 at 4:10 pm rating: 7
- #42.4 Mishee™
  
  Spaceballs FTW!
  
  Jul 31, 2009 at 4:55 pm rating: 0
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#43 billicatons

Hmm. Pretty low-down to take the piss out of this, I’d say. Pretty low.

Laughing at people when they’ve gone a bit mad. HAHAHA. LOL. ROFL. So cool.

This site is normally better.

Jul 31, 2009 at 3:33 pm rating: 2

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- #43.1 oi!
  
  Hmm. Pretty pretentious to scoff at others on humor site for making jokes, I would say pretty tasteless.
  
  Mock people because you lack sense of humor. It’s cool, awesome, totally senile, absolutely praiseworthy.
  
  Normal people learn from the past.
  
  Jul 31, 2009 at 4:06 pm rating: 21
- #43.2 Phalange
  
  Wait, we’re not allowed to laugh at the fact that instead of being a rational person and getting over Keith this woman decides to be a pyscho hose beast and write love messages all over a park?
  
  I’m pretty sure I’m not taking the piss out of anything, I’m not really into golden showers, but I’m sure you are.
  
  Jul 31, 2009 at 4:10 pm rating: 9
- #43.3 anglophile
  
  *shakes head sadly at the carcass of yet another sacred cow slain by the denizens of PAN*
  
  Jul 31, 2009 at 4:37 pm rating: 4
- #43.4 amy d
  
  We have no shame.
  
  Jul 31, 2009 at 4:44 pm rating: 3
- #43.5 Geek Goddess
  
  *Brings barbecue out and hands ‘glo the BBQ sauce.*
  
  Jul 31, 2009 at 4:51 pm rating: 4
- #43.6 Mishee™
  
  *decides against declaring that this woman has the script of a serial killer*
  
  Jul 31, 2009 at 4:57 pm rating: 3
- #43.7 aaa
  
  Since when did liking golden showers become a bad thing, Phalange? D:
  
  Aug 1, 2009 at 10:42 am rating: 0
- #43.8 DC
  
  Ya know, when you scribble your rantings all over a public park, I think you’re pretty much inviting people to say what they will. Don’t do the crime if you can’t stand the…rhyme. Wait, if the glove fits, you must….oh, nevermind.
  
  Aug 2, 2009 at 5:32 am rating: 2
- #43.9 MAMARILLA2
  
  Sacred cow tastes so much better with no sauce..Just slowly roasted on a spit.
  
  Aug 22, 2009 at 1:37 pm rating: 0
- #43.10 oi
  
  i am offended rilla. cows? cows! how could you?
  They are holy. they give you milk all their life, give you leather after death and and you kill and eat them? how could you?
  chicken on the other hand are filthy and stupid and do not have feeling.
  They are born to be killed and be eaten. So that’s perfectly alright ok?
  and pigs? you can’t eat them they are too filthy to be eaten.
  ok so what’s the moral? Hindus/Muslims/Jews can slain,kill and eat one kind of animal but not the other.
  what?!! that’s totally logical.
  
  Aug 22, 2009 at 3:19 pm rating: 1
- #43.11 MAMARILLA2
  
  I am sorry to offend you, oi..But I have never heard of a sacred chicken or I would have cooked and eathen it as well.
  
  Aug 22, 2009 at 3:42 pm rating: 1
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#44 Emmy

I would venture out to Blaine to see this for myself, but I’m a little afraid of any of the three people described in this note.

Jul 31, 2009 at 3:52 pm rating: 5

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#45 Brat

Man, this is just SAD.

I hope she comes to her senses and realizes she is better off without this loser.

*sigh*

Jul 31, 2009 at 4:18 pm rating: 1

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- #45.1 aaa
  
  Sounds like Keith is better off without her. :O
  
  Aug 1, 2009 at 10:44 am rating: 1
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#46 Geek Goddess

gigglebrax fail

Jul 31, 2009 at 4:49 pm rating: 0

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#47 Callista

This is by far my favorite PAN yet! Amazing. I love reading everyone’s speculation about what happened. Very curious.

Jul 31, 2009 at 5:06 pm rating: 0

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- #47.1 MAMARILLA2
  
  Sociology 101.
  
  Aug 1, 2009 at 11:01 am rating: 2
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#48 blergaroo

I don’t know. I call bogus on this one…who could possibly write that consistently and neatly on so many different woodgrains? Given how sad these are, I don’t know if I hope I’m right or wrong.

Jul 31, 2009 at 5:20 pm rating: 1

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- #48.1 Geek Goddess
  
  These could very well be the real thing. The ones that are going to show up in parks in my town, just as soon as I buy a new package of pens, not so much.
  
  Jul 31, 2009 at 5:44 pm rating: 8
- #48.2 Josie
  
  It *could* be fake, I suppose, but if this person’s crazy enough to graffiti their personal baggage all over a park, I get the feeling that they’d be the type to take their time and make sure EVERY SINGLE LETTER is legible. I mean, how’s Keith gonna know how sorry he’ll be if the messages are unreadable?
  
  Also, a lot of these pieces of wood look pretty old and worn smooth, which would make it easier to write legibly on them. Just sayin’.
  
  Jul 31, 2009 at 6:59 pm rating: 1
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#49 Cordelia

Kudos to Hallmark on their new park bench line -it really has that personal touch. Especially the scribbled out letter in pic #3.

Jul 31, 2009 at 10:55 pm rating: 3

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#50 park rose

It only tells part of the story

Sitting on a park bench, Sent away forever,
Never seeing no one nice again like you,
Lover. You, lover. You.
If you ever get out of here,
Have you thought of giving it all away?
To a registered charity.
narcs anon or a.a. (a.)
If you ever get out of here.
(IF YOU EVER GET OUT OF HERE)

Well, the rain exploded with a mighty crash across the hotdog stand,
And the first whore said to the second one, there, I hope you’re having fun.
Man on the run, man on the run.
And the jailer man and sailor “sam” were smirking for what had to be done

To the man on the run, man on the run, man on the run, man on the run

Well, the wife called ‘k’ drew a heavy sigh seeing Keith had not come,
And a bell was ringing inside her head for the rabbits in the sun.
Man on the run, Man on the run.
And he nailed her, man, and then some; whore lurching, adultery done

By the man on the run, man on the run, man on the run, man on the run

Well, the nightmare was forming as this hellish world began to settle down.
In the “town” they’re searching for ♥ kugs ♥ every where, but he never will be found.
Man on the run, man on the run

And the crazy judge, who held a grudge
will besmirch for evermore
the man on the run, man on the run, man on the run, man on the run

Aug 2, 2009 at 12:04 am rating: 3

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- #50.1 MAMARILLA2
  
  He was looking for a one-armed man and instead found a one-legged woman.
  
  Aug 2, 2009 at 3:56 pm rating: 1
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#51 Right and Wrong

I call shenanigans. Those are so obviously fake it’s not even funny, people. Look at the 4th one, whoever did the photoshopping didn’t even bother taking the angle into account. Think about it and you’ll realize there’s perspective on the table… but not on the letters. MAGIC.

As if it weren’t enough that those are supposed to be outside yet look pristine (but aren’t made with unerasable marker, because the ink would look different on the wood!).

Aug 3, 2009 at 5:48 pm rating: 0

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- #51.1 jethro1138
  
  Ahem.
  
  I took these photos. They are real. I may have changed contrast/brightness/etc to make them more readable.
  
  Most of them were taken with a really good camera, but some were taken with a really crappy POS, which could show a nice amount of distortion. The one you mentioned was taken with one of those, with me standing on the table and facing down. It was also quite fresh, so the ink had not had time to fade. By now most of these are VERY faded.
  
  Aug 3, 2009 at 6:02 pm rating: 5
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#52 cee

good lord.

couldn’t they keep it on facebook like normal crazy people?

Aug 3, 2009 at 10:35 pm rating: 2

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#53 bskelactica

Dude, this is in Blaine? I live there. Lochness Park actually isn’t far from my house… WTF. ROAD TRIP.

Aug 4, 2009 at 10:38 am rating: 0

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- #53.1 jethro1138
  
  *grins* Enjoy! The picnic table ones are in both the pavilions near the entrance. And there’s some on one of the TREES right by the parking area.
  
  Aug 4, 2009 at 10:57 am rating: 2
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#54 bskelactica

The TREES? Seriously? Oh man. And I thought *I* was crazy.

Aug 5, 2009 at 11:10 am rating: 1

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#55 Sherry

Oh. Oh dear. WTF.

You cheated on me. I love you. Call me.
You’re going to jail because you cheated on me with a hooker. I love you. Call me.
She may not really be a hooker, I’m just calling her a hooker cuz I think she gave you the crabs which means I go them from you. I love you. Call me.
Only hell, fire and brimstone will be found in your future. I love you. Call me.
I love you. Call me. CALL ME DAMMIT I LOVE YOU- WHAT KNIFE?!!! CALL ME!!!

My unprofessional diagnosis: a sad, desperate woman who doesn’t know how to stand up for herself. Suck it up, woman. Its over. You are better off (or will be with lots of therapy and mayhap some pillz).

Aug 5, 2009 at 1:38 pm rating: 1

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#56 Becky

I think Keith’s wife was a songwriter for the Pet Shop Boys. “She’s got the money / Lots of guys have got the dick”? Priceless.

Aug 7, 2009 at 9:34 am rating: 0

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#57 Edward

The subsequent messages were something of a relief, because after reading only the first one, I’d assumed she killed him.

Aug 8, 2009 at 7:13 pm rating: 1

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#58 Jelly

This is so so sad.

But if someone made it into a movie, I’d watch it.

Aug 8, 2009 at 8:50 pm rating: 1

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#59 Teleute

This strikes me as an art project – at least, I HOPE there isn’t really some sad crazy woman scrawling out her pain on park benches. But getting people to go searching around the park, looking for more messages to follow the drama… that totally sounds like an artistic experiment to me.

Aug 9, 2009 at 4:54 pm rating: 0

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#60 Asur

These notes reminded me of a crazy high school girlfriend, and I couldn’t help wondering if the mysterious author was in fact her…her name doesn’t start with K, so I’m clear…just multiple crazies in the world.

Aug 10, 2009 at 7:11 pm rating: 0

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#61 Vanessa

She has nice handwriting for a psycho.

Aug 10, 2009 at 9:41 pm rating: 1

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Comments are Closed

Presenting the new Mercedes-Benz No-Class (27)
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- redheadwglasses: Are you sure that’s what the note means? I took it to mean that someone complained about his...
- redheadwglasses: I don’t have a complaint about Mercedes drivers. Lexus SUV drivers, on the other hand, seem to...

funny (if not necessarily "passive-aggressive") notes from pissed-off people